Permanently Bewildered and Plain Weird10 Feb 2010 11:04 am

Related Obsession (Other Men and Their Cocks)

By Alex

Thanks to Steve for finding KRGH, who I like to imagine pounding the wall with his fists, eyes streaming with tears as he desperately tries to convince himself that Manowar are 100% purest Saxon-metal man-beef and not, not, NOT gay.

KGRH
I don’t believe Gareth is gay as I don’t believe the gay bandwidth as it stands is wide enough to cover his situation.
The term gay is presumably meant to capture the general demeanor of this group which would appear to disqualify him
My guess is that Gareth has probably got some kind of related obsession associated with the furthest spectrum of homosexuality
Or maybe we need a new collective word to include him in

It’s a fair point. The little tubes that carry the broadband into your internet aren’t designed to accomodate any gays larger than Stephen Fry, and would probably split if you tried to get a full-size rugby player down them. In fact, to avoid reduced download speeds, I’d probably stick to high-camp, slimline deviants like Kenneth Williams.

66 Responses to “Related Obsession (Other Men and Their Cocks)”

  1. on 10 Feb 2010 at 11:09 am   Petpete

    I wish somebody had pointed this out to me earlier, Elton John has just bust my router.

  2. on 10 Feb 2010 at 11:13 am   ally

    Shouldn’t he be pleased?

    After all he is in with a chance now to experiment with Gareth and their special (in no way GAY) feelings together.

  3. on 10 Feb 2010 at 11:18 am   That Bloke in the Corner

    If I tried to download a Stephen Fry and a Kenneth Williams at the same time, would I breech my ISP’s fair usage policy?

  4. on 10 Feb 2010 at 11:28 am   Ceannair

    on 10 Feb 2010 at 11:09 am Petpete

    I wish somebody had pointed this out to me earlier, Elton John has just bust my router.

    Did you not consider a lubricant ????

  5. on 10 Feb 2010 at 11:39 am   Petpete

    Elton goes in dry or not at all.

  6. on 10 Feb 2010 at 11:43 am   Jones

    KRGH is more likely to be pounding a fella’s posterior than the wall. My directors at work are all rugby types and I’ve had to listen to them debate whether being a giver (not a taker) makes you gay or not.

  7. on 10 Feb 2010 at 11:51 am   underscore

    Bandwidth (or any other kind of width) aside, I don’t get what the problem is with sportsmen being gay. There were loads of them around when I was a lad, has no one heard of Knob-Jockeys?

    Looks quite warm out, I think I’ll leave it on the rack, thanks.

  8. on 10 Feb 2010 at 12:07 pm   Rumpleforeskin

    I think he meant “bandgirth”…

  9. on 10 Feb 2010 at 12:41 pm   Massive Propagating Bee Extinction

    Jones

    …I’ve had to listen to them debate whether being a giver (not a taker) makes you gay or not.

    It’s only gay if the balls touch.

    FACT.

  10. on 10 Feb 2010 at 12:48 pm   radiatorlizard

    on 10 Feb 2010 at 11:39 am Petpete

    Elton goes in dry or not at all.

    This made me laugh until I got hiccups. High praise indeed, considering that my life has so far failed to yield a single incidence of the apocryphal convergence of beverage and monitor.

  11. on 10 Feb 2010 at 1:10 pm   Neo

    I always thought Blake had an odd relationship with Avon, mind.

  12. on 10 Feb 2010 at 1:10 pm   Not Waving But Drinking

    Petpete – at least you can try for Elton John

    I’m still on dial up – I can only get H from Steps

  13. on 10 Feb 2010 at 1:17 pm   Petpete

    The bottom of the barrel is receiving Russ Abbott by fax.

  14. on 10 Feb 2010 at 1:21 pm   Massive Propagating Bee Extinction

    And just under that, Nick Griffin by courier.

  15. on 10 Feb 2010 at 1:26 pm   Not Waving But Drinking

    Does receiving make you gay, or is it the sender too?

    ps You said bottom (sniggers)

  16. on 10 Feb 2010 at 1:45 pm   Jaded hack

    From the HYS about the Robin Hood Tax. So much stupidity to choose from, but this one caught my eye for the sheer number of boxes it ticks:

    Robin Hood one of England’s greatest heroes fought above all for England.

    The money raised here is going to straight abroad with the £8billion or so that’s already being syphoned off abroad in “aid” (does not include the £££’s syphoned off to the EU).

    So yeah lets tax the banks – but we need the money here. Lets have the money raised spent proportionately on England, Wales, Scotland an NI.

    Freeborn Englander, Birmingham, England

    If he was so English, how come he had an American accent in that film then eh?!? Are you implying Kevin Costner is a crap actor? Well? Are you?!?

  17. on 10 Feb 2010 at 1:46 pm   Atom Antsy

    Elton goes in dry or not at all.

    I read this, had to go and get some tea, drink some of it and then read it again so that I could get the full satisfaction of tea/monitor interfacing.

    Right, back to lurking.

  18. on 10 Feb 2010 at 1:46 pm   Atom Antsy

    Bollocks, blockquote fail.

  19. on 10 Feb 2010 at 2:02 pm   Atom Antsy

    Elton goes in dry or not at all.

    Testing…

  20. on 10 Feb 2010 at 2:03 pm   Atom Antsy

    Cock. Should never have un-lurked!

  21. on 10 Feb 2010 at 2:35 pm   Limni

    Atom Ant was great as well. Have you no respect for my childhood? Will I have to watch as all my heroes are humbled?

  22. on 10 Feb 2010 at 3:03 pm   Petpete

    Never before in the history of the internets has the phrase “Elton goes in dry or not at all” been published so frequently.
    I am pleased to have brought it to the fore.

  23. on 10 Feb 2010 at 3:14 pm   Atom Antsy

    @Petpete:

    I shall be delighted to act as your publisher and general marketing guru. Once, of course, I have mastered teh interwebs and restored Limni’s faith in his/her miniscule but superbly strong hero.

    (I’m currently awaiting another giant fail at said interwebs, as the first time I posted this it disappeared and, no doubt, as soon as I hit “Submit Comment” it will reappear in its former glory and there will be two of these!)

  24. on 10 Feb 2010 at 3:24 pm   Lurker in a Burka

    My guess is that Gareth has probably got some kind of related obsession associated with the furthest spectrum of homosexuality

    There’s a joke to be made about rainbows here but I can’t find my coat. Anyone?

  25. on 10 Feb 2010 at 3:27 pm   Petpete

    Thanks to the wonders of SEO, I am fairly confident that within the week SYB will appear on page one of a Google search for the phrase “Elton goes in dry or not at all”.
    Can Nelson please change the html meta tags to include this phrase? Thanks.

  26. on 10 Feb 2010 at 3:33 pm   Ed aka Ghost of Cuger-Jaggar, PhD

    @Atom Antsy

    My eyes! The beer-goggles, they do nothing!

    I’m too hard to need a coat.

  27. on 10 Feb 2010 at 3:54 pm   Miss Velocipede

    No results found for “elton goes in dry or not at all”.

    It’s just a matter of time…

  28. on 10 Feb 2010 at 4:01 pm   mypartner,davidfurnish

    You’re all very quick to assume I’m the vase and not the bouquet – how so?

  29. on 10 Feb 2010 at 4:20 pm   col

    http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=Elton+goes+in+dry+or+not+at+all

    Yay! Number one!

  30. on 10 Feb 2010 at 4:20 pm   Don't, just don't

    In all seriousness, what the fuck is KGRH even trying to say?

    Oh yes, and… Elton goes in dry or not at all. Just doing my bit.

  31. on 10 Feb 2010 at 4:26 pm   Atom Antsy

    Gosh, I seem to have started something! Now I’m all a-flutter…

    Anyways, back on topic. Does anyone care to come up with a “new collective word” that KGRH is desperate to find in order to describe his hero?

  32. on 10 Feb 2010 at 4:40 pm   Theodore

    I think KGRH is just trying to justify to himself that he is not gay even though he was the sponge at a Heaven all-nighter in the early 90s.

  33. on 10 Feb 2010 at 4:41 pm   Theodore

    Oh and Elton goes in dry or not at all.

  34. on 10 Feb 2010 at 4:44 pm   Cab Grunter

    Elton goes in dry or not at all. Fantastic.

    Tim Rice: It’s all about bums on seats, Elton.

    Elton: Bums on seats? Bums on seats?! Bums on my my face!

  35. on 10 Feb 2010 at 4:45 pm   Cab Grunter

    Elton: Bums on seats? Bums on seats?! Bums on my face!

    Oops.

  36. on 10 Feb 2010 at 4:50 pm   Cab Grunter

    If someone can get “Elton goes in dry or not at all” on Wikipedia and references SYB as source, I’ll buy you a pint.

  37. on 10 Feb 2010 at 4:53 pm   Philbert

    If someone can get “Elton goes in dry or not at all” on Wikipedia and references SYB as source, I’ll buy you a pint.

    Surely anyone can do that, it being wikipedia and all.

  38. on 10 Feb 2010 at 4:55 pm   teh

    I always thought Elton’s marriage to David was a bit of sham. They are both into ladies really, they did it to conform with society. Probably something to do with the gay mafia running the media and everything. Or something.

  39. on 10 Feb 2010 at 5:09 pm   Cab Grunter

    Philbert:

    Surely anyone can do that, it being wikipedia and all.

    Ok, to clarify, get it on there without it being removed immediately as vandalism. It’ll probably require a good turn of phrase…

  40. on 10 Feb 2010 at 5:21 pm   Doc Wrong

    I’ve met Gareth Thomas, and trust me, if he says he’s he’s gay, he’s gay, and you don’t argue with him as he’s hard as nails (no pun intended) and will beat the shit out of you if you do take umbrage!

  41. on 10 Feb 2010 at 5:45 pm   jlmb

    He’s also a pretty inconsiderate driver.

    If it’s not bad enough that Manowar count one of them gays as a member, it’s an extremely little known fact that they released music (possibly just a single or EP, I forget) through Games Workshop’s Warhammer Records.

  42. on 10 Feb 2010 at 5:49 pm   Gareth Thomas

    Coincidentally, “Warhammer” is my pet name for my todger.

  43. on 10 Feb 2010 at 5:52 pm   Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Elton goes in dry or not at all.

    Pete, I genuinely laughed so loud and for so long at this that my neighbour banged on the ceiling (their floor). Oopsies.

    I want a t-shirt emblazoned with ‘Elton goes in dry or not at all’. Can we not make it so? Pleasepleaseplease?

    And am I the only tragic eidetic who recalls a crappy BBC documentary from the 80s that said Manowar in concert were louder than Concorde taking off? It’s being unable to forget absolute shite like this that started me off as a misanthrope. And party bore.

  44. on 10 Feb 2010 at 5:53 pm   Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    I blockquoted that fucker all proper-like. Pissflaps.

  45. on 10 Feb 2010 at 6:03 pm   Petpete

    I own all copyright and subsidiary rights for the phrase in question. I am happy to launch a merchandising range. Lord knows I need the money.

  46. on 10 Feb 2010 at 6:05 pm   Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Ooooh, Ooooh, I also want an ‘Elton goes in dry or not at all’ pencil case’! And I don’t even use pencils!

  47. on 10 Feb 2010 at 8:24 pm   That Bloke in the corner

    Perhaps Manowar could write a new album and call it ‘Elton goes in dry or not at all’ and even release a 12″ of the title track, oo er missuss.

  48. on 10 Feb 2010 at 8:39 pm   Linda

    Just googled. SYB reigns supreme. My husband can’t understand why I’m giggling…

  49. on 10 Feb 2010 at 9:38 pm   Alex

    In all seriousness, what the fuck is KGRH even trying to say?

    I think what he/she’s getting at is that rugby players are big, muscly and into sports, which makes them way too manly for any kind of homosexual urges. Those are reserved for pink-pansy-camp sissy-queen-fairies. It’s ok to be gay if you’re really girly and limp-wristed, you’re just homosexual and we’re all cool with that in 2010. But if you’re masculine and also like men, that makes you a pervert, not a gay. QED.

    Hey, you lot haven’t said “”Bank”.” for ages. What gives?

  50. on 10 Feb 2010 at 9:42 pm   SYB MERCHANDISING

    Elton goes in dry or not at all lunchboxes.

    TM

  51. on 10 Feb 2010 at 9:53 pm   Big Fat Trucker

    Elton goes in dry or not at all.

    Memesplash!

  52. on 10 Feb 2010 at 9:56 pm   Massive Propagating Bee Extinction

    Lurker in a Burka

    There’s a joke to be made about rainbows here but I can’t find my coat. Anyone?

    Or something about a Commodore 64. Or ”Bank”.

  53. on 10 Feb 2010 at 10:01 pm   Ceannair

    I’m so glad I mentioned lubricant earlier, I am currently beaming with pride and what has followed!

    First “La Spesh” and this. God I love being alive!!!!

  54. on 10 Feb 2010 at 10:15 pm   Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    @Ceannair – livin’ the dream, eh? Livin’ the dream.

    I would return the favour if I knew how to pronounce your moniker or what it means [shameface] Is it summat like ‘Shunnare’?

    PS BFT – I heart ‘memesplash’ :)

  55. on 10 Feb 2010 at 10:16 pm   St Pancreas

    Since we’re tossing (o-eer) around ideas for SYB merchandise: what about a line of unlubricated condoms*? “Elton – goes in dry or not at all”.

    (*Which would be impractical and uncomfortable, but hey, who said they had to be useful?)

  56. on 10 Feb 2010 at 10:42 pm   Every time you blah

    If someone can get “Elton goes in dry or not at all” on Wikipedia and references SYB as source, I’ll buy you a pint.

    It’s a semi-protected article. I have to make 10 changes and wait 4 whole days before I can use my newly created account to change it. :(

  57. on 11 Feb 2010 at 1:05 am   Hootie

    Hey, you lot haven’t said “”Bank”.” for ages. What gives?

    Everyone is far too busy in a daisychain of mutual congratulation, I would imagine.

  58. on 11 Feb 2010 at 2:11 am   Logical conclusion

    Cuger goes in dry or not at all.

  59. on 11 Feb 2010 at 3:06 am   Sir Alf Ramsey's Porn Dungeon

    @ St Pancreas

    It appears that Elton all ready has glow in the dark condoms:

    http://www.smileyyoutube.com/vid.aspx?id=567641

    Not sure exactly what they’re doing in the video as am work and have to have the sound off … however it looks like it stops just before it gets interesting

  60. on 11 Feb 2010 at 9:22 am   radiatorlizard

    @ La Spesh
    If I still had a pencil case, I would write “Elton goes in dry or not at all” on it with Tippex (better than drawing a wonky adidas logo, as was de rigueur at my school, but still nowhere near as cool as using a promotional Tampax-branded applicator tampon case, as one oblivious boy did.)

    @ Hootie
    I would say it was more of a circlejerk of mutual congratulation than a daisychain, and yay for that!

  61. on 11 Feb 2010 at 9:46 am   That Bloke in the Corner

    I don’t mind all this circle jerking and daisychaining but if Elton is around he can use lubricant or piss off.

  62. on 11 Feb 2010 at 6:49 pm   Pirate Pete,

    Re daisychaining, that’s not what it’s called – and don’t look up mantrain on google…

    On the wikipedia thing, why not have a go at David Furnish’s page instead? I’m sure it’s easier to get into than Elton’s (probably because he uses lube)

  63. on 11 Feb 2010 at 8:50 pm   Cora

    Cuger goes in dry or not at all.

    There I was, flicking down the page, innocently enjoying the good feeling in the room, and Logical conclusion had to push things just that bit too far…aaargh!!!

  64. on 12 Feb 2010 at 12:01 pm   Ed aka Ghost of Cuger-Jaggar, PhD

    Petpete’s humour goes in dry or not at all.

    I THANK YOU!

  65. on 13 Feb 2010 at 1:33 pm   Front

    Going in dry is far more pleasureable than using shampoo…it hurts like a bitch, Vosene should come with arsepuckering internal injury warnings in large bold writing on its label.

    I have a friend who told me this.

  66. on 14 Feb 2010 at 11:49 pm   Steve

    Graham Norton is stuck half way through my firewall.