spEak You're bRanes

So the other shoe has dropped and The Times is to be the first of the News International papers to charge for its online content. It’ll be interesting to see what happens when the base of say-havers is limited to those who value their opinion enough to pay for it. The quality might go way up, but depressingly it could equally well go way, way down.

On the bright side, Barnardo Millionaire has discovered some promising evidence that it might just be the former:

As soon as the Times agree to the exciting proposition of paying me for my comments, I will start paying them for an online subscription.

Either the “exciting proposition” of paying works for all online content – their copyright newspaper material and my copyright commentary material – or we will have a tremendously unfair situation where businesses are allowed to exploit copyright but individuals are not.
hubert huzzah

But don’t you see, Hubert? The whole reason News International has to charge for access is to make enough money to pay for your valuable insight! Whereas a free site like us will just infringe your copyright, and call you a chozzler to boot.

Thanks to Steve for further destroying my faith in humanity.

Should the police scrap stop and search? The Equality Commission, bless them, has said that black and Asian men are being unfairly targeted, and that it doesn’t work to prevent crime anyway. What do the great British public think?

this ‘commission’ is talking out of its behind. because all Asians and black people have to do is call the race card police refuse to deal with them
Kaiskune

As a stinking forrin’ myself, I was wondering exactly what the race card was and how, exactly, it should be called upon. After failed experimentation with my half of the Power Sword and the cat, and after I inadvertently raised Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living with my ouija board, I decided to look into it using facts and shit. And some posts from HYS, because apparently they’re the same thing.

It’s for the common good, because these race cards sound handy – they appear to have the power to get the police to leave you alone, but apparently aren’t magic at all. Mysterious. Fortunately, No Victim No Crime is here to clear things up a bit:

I carry a card with this on it everywhere i go just in case..

STOP AND SEARCH CARD
I pledge to waste your time if you decide to waste mine
Let your legal representatives know your wishes and keep this card with you at all times
In the event of a stop and search being intrusive, unlawful or malicious I pledge to issue a formal complaint to the relevant Police Professional Standards Department.
As these complaints are investigated by fellow police officers redress is unlikely to be forthcoming. I therefore pledge to pursue the issue through the IPCC and if the situation permits to issue civil proceedings against the chief constable or commissioner of the relevant police force, seeking an admission of liability and damages.
Regardless of the outcome, you will have your time wasted for wasting mine.
No Victim No Crime

Ah, so it’s literally a card – like Monopoly, right? Get out of jail free? Community chest? Have I won £100 in a beauty contest? Please say it’s so! I want to be pretty and rich.

Unfortunately, the Monopoly idea was wishful thinking on my part, and I can’t actually buy fags with this green £20 note. On the bright side, I don’t smoke.

The equality watchdog creates more social tension than any amount of stop and searches could ever do. The police stop and search those that they deem fit to stop and search. Some races simply like to complain, blacks and asians are some of them. When are they going to stop playing the race card.
Wiggles Bottomley

Ohhhhhhh… we play the race card. Top Trumps, right? Black beats police. Funny that – I always thought it was the other way around.

And trust the blacks and the asians to take a perverse delight in complaining. You’re not supposed to fucking enjoy it. It’s the white man’s burden and you’re supposed to do it through clenched teeth, while ramming a toby jug full of angry (British) bees up your poop-flue.

I don’t think there should be arbitrary stop & search powers at all.

The racism card is just a red herring. The whole concept of just being able to randomly stop & search someone without a good cause just looks like a police state.
Paul

Ah, shit. Now it’s a fish.

You know, Paul, I somehow don’t think that they’re randomly stopping people – not even the card-carrying racists, or whoever the fuck carries the race card (fishmongers presumably?). I think, right – and just go with me for a second here – I’m guessing, right, that the stops aren’t random at all. The stops are, in fact, targeting those people most likely to enjoy a nice game of Top Trumps – the coloureds.

I say coloureds. I mean criminals. Right, Luke?

Statistically, young, black or Asian males are more likely to commit crime, stopping and searching them due to the statistical probability that they are more likely to be in possession of illegal items is not racism, it’s common sense.
Luke

Right.

The BBC has asked “What sequel would you like to write?” and, as usual when books are mentioned, the gnomes have largely misheard this as “What’s that book you heard of on here once that you think might be all about how New Labour are radical socialists and about how that’s, like, really, really bad? Something by Orwell? Nineteen-eighty-farm was it?“.

It’s not all bad though. Thanks to Tony and Stephen for finding some proper intellectuals on there.

My sequel would be 2084 the sequel to Orwell’s 1984. In 2084 The party would be replaced by The Council of Imams – for England is now an Islamic state and its government is a tyrannical theocracy. Orwell’s proles are replaced by us infidels, and the hero of the original would be replaced by Gemma Smith a women in her early 30s who tries to rebel against the suffocating life imposed on her by the Councils strict application of Sharia law.
I might even have a stab at really writing this.
Chazz Trinder

It’s such a great idea that I’m surprised nobody thought of it 25 years ago, wrote the book, and then won loads of awards. But why “Gemma”? I reckon, if you’re going to use her as a transparent space where you can put a “Vote BNP” sticker, you should call her:
Ofsomedickwhoshouldmaybereadacouplemorebooksbeforeattemptingtowriteone.

Not so much a sequel, but a spiritual successor to Martin Amis’s ‘Time’s Arrow’. It was a World War II story told in reverse. If he was up for it, I’d love to see him attempt it once more.
BulletMonkey

It could start off with everyone saying “Yeah, it’s not very good is it?”. Then he could slowly erase everything he’s written, word by word, until he only has good books left and everyone notices he’s stopped being a racist.

A great big dose of Thankceptin to Kathryn for finding surgeon-professor Doctor Douglas Grenfell Ph.D (fellow of the Tit Doctors Institute) in one of TimesOnline’s ongoing series of misapplications of niche oncological research results. Apparently, today pregnancy causes prevents cancer.

This all sounds fine, as long as the females concerned take precautions, ie do allow their breasts to develop milk, not take a pill to stop the milk developing. Also the biggest cause of breast cancer is the males who are too aggresive when handling a female breast, squeezing too hard and also pulling on the tissue, all cause damage to the insides of the breast which does develop into cancer. Thye huge amount of toxins ingested by everybody every day in food encourages cancers and should be reduced, also excessive slimming does not help either. It is about time Cancer UK etc openly promoted prevention rather than spend all the money they raise solely on cures.
Douglas Grenfell

I have a few suggestions for ways Cancer UK etc can promote prevention:

The “Gentle Gauntlet” is a steel glove which the man wears during any contact with the bristol. Small actuators in the knuckle joints detect when the amount of pressure being applied to the boozoomier borders on the dangerous cancer-causing range (or the “death squeeze” as we nork researchers prefer to call it) and won’t allow the fingers to grasp the Daily Mail Gossip Columnist any tighter, thereby protecting the precious puppy’s nose.

The “Milkcebo” is a pill designed to mimic the many, many lactation prevention products on the market. Obviously in such a crowded marketplace the Milkcebo will need heavy promotion to compete with the many other milk suppression products which do exist. However the difference is, the Milkcebo actually doubles the amount of milk production in the pink trifle, producing enough for accredited funbag expert Douglas Grenfell to have a lovely dairy shower in.

Finally the “GP” is a service to which women can go for actual health advice based on evidential studies and up-to-date research, rather than relying on knocker-obsessed weirdoes who regurgitate tabloid cancer scares filtered through their own ignorant, top-bollock-focused lens.

It’s Budget time, when pubs and offices throughout the land are filled with people loudly coughing half-chewed lumps of Robert Peston’s opinions in each other’s faces.

How about a tax linked to ones job TYPE regardless of the income but related to benefit to the UK. If it’s a wealth creating job the tax should be less. If it’s a parasitic pseudojob then the tax should be more.

This way in the first category:

surgeons, street sweepers farm workers and drivers (except the driver described below) would pay LESS % tax

and

in the second category:

drug dealers, investment bankers, pirates, minicab lobbyists (as distinct from proper drivers described in the low tax section above), property speculators and loan sharks, would pay MORE % tax on their incomes.
jjs

Thanks to Peter for finding this one. But why stop at drug dealers, loan sharks and pirates? Contract killers, terrorists and highwaymen should also be taxed to the eyeballs. What do they actually contribute to this country? Eh? Mind you, I bet they’d just find ways round it, wouldn’t they?

As for the minicab lobby, they’ve had far too much influence in Westminster for far too long. I was disgusted last year when the Racial and Religious Hatred Act 2006 was amended to exempt taxi drivers. These twats give proper drivers (party bus, monster truck, etc) a bad name.

Yet again the average man in the street has been hit with rises in booze,cigerattes and fuel increases, they work had for ther money all to get it return is it all taken away in tax. We should reduce fuel tax that would cut the average persons cost of living, tax the luxeries such as gambling, bingo, MP’s expenses, Union funds and increase tax on all those earning over £25 per week. Reduce the number of MP’s and local Councillors that would save a fortune. Living abroad is more and more appealing. Trouble is who ever wins the next election will hammer us again and again, why don’t MP’s listen and stick to there agenda of punishing MR AVERAGE
Keith

You can almost see the bitterness dripping, green and viscous, from Keith’s words. For years he’s been watching with mounting resentment as his flash cunt neighbour swans around town, frittering away his £25/wk+ salary on bingo and union meetings, while Keith can barely scrape together the cash for necessities such as booze and fags. Where’s the fucking justice?

Haven’t had time to listen to any of it yet, I have been to work & finished 10pm… so will read it in the papers tomorrow.
EBAYTKMAX

Cheers, mate! Be sure to pop in again and let us know what you thought.

Lardies and Gentlemongs, please give a massive SYB welcome to Dizzy. He’s joined the staff here and will be helping us meet your insatiable demand for awful, depressing bollocks.
- Nelson

How can we reduce reoffending?

Well, aside from the predictable suggestions of hanging, lethal injection or putting criminals in giant versions of Pontins where they’re forced to sing about being Ovaltineys at the end of every fun-packed day being raped in the shower, infinity has taken time out from providing expert opinion on climate change and fish, and comes up with a couple of novel suggestions:

What we need is some sort of island or perhaps an abandoned city to put all the criminals in and then the law authorities can just defend the border to stop them getting out.

Also we need an actual law of the jungle.
infinity

I agree with you on the actual law of the jungle, because I know for a fact that George had severe trouble adapting to civilised society, so clearly some kind of codification is required if we’re going to have this kind of migration as government policy. But a big island full of criminals just wouldn’t work. Kurt Russell would just help everyone escape again, and last time that happened, they made Escape From L.A.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have Ovaltine and rape.

Mr. Thompson, Ms. Tranter, nice to see you both again. Now I know Susman: Epidemiologist hasn’t had exactly the figures you were hoping for, but frankly I think it’s done better than any other programme in the 4:55am slot on BBC Cymru. Apart from the ones in Welsh.

But yes, I completely agree we need to kick things up a notch for the second series. So I’ve been working up some ideas for the new series with my writing partner Ed. Now, think about it: where would Morse be without his Lewis? Bodie without his Doyle? Tosh Lynes without his bottle of whisky in a brown paper bag? Taggart without his coffin? So I propose to give susman a crime-fighting partner all of his own. Let me show you a sample scene:

DAY. EXT. The courtyard of a large church.

Andy Kadir-Buxton: Yes! Using the Buxton Handclap Method! Now, I've filled my super soaker with lemonade. Bags I deal with the nuns!

Now, I know you haven’t greenlit the second series yet, but I think with such a powerful format reboot we could easily be looking at viewing figures on a par with Horne & Corden. I know four insomniacs in Swansea who are very excited at the prospect.

Thanks to Lucas.

Girish Krishnan wrote:
I believe priests must allow to be married. I may not be an expert on this subject as I don’t belong to the religion. However, I can say one thing for sure. There are some scientific techniques for remaining celibate. It is impossible to remain celibate unless you follow these rules
1) Wake up at 3 am in the morning
2) Avoiding meat, fast food (very important)
3) Physical exercises and constant occupation of the mind

If these are not followed, one must have a will of steel to remain celibate. I anyway doubt the celibacy of 90% of catholic priests

I’m not sure why, but I can’t help imagining that one day, after sleeping in until four, missing a couple of stretches and letting his mind wander, Girish Krishnan experienced some highly distressing feelings while eating a hot-dog.

Thanks to Justin for finding “chelsea” reviewing a film on the HMV site.

Rubbish
This film was rubbish as it was in french and i am english!!!!!!
chelsea

Tell me about it. Just last night, I saw a film that was 104 minutes long whereas I’m 6’2″.

My top tip for coping with this kind of shit is to get yourself at least 498 friends on Facebook then join the group “I Love Xmas!”. Puts it all in perspective.

About something called mephedrone or some such. Never heard of it myself, of course. I don’t move in such circles.

I was under the impression that Ministers where supposed to govern the country and not rely on advisers. It is quite simple a Minister stands up and says its banned until such time the awaited report is produced when a further decision will be taken. Those that want to embroil children into the shady world of drugs and supply plant food to them can then have the option of going to court and ask for a Judical Review of the Minister’s decision. I’ve got a pound that says they wont go to court. I’ve got another pound that says there isn’t a minister in this government that’s brave enough to take the decision.
Phil Davies

Fuck it, why not just ban everything in the world until someone can present a watertight case for it not being illegal? Just to be on the safe side.

The case against shouting at squirrels:

• Noise pollution
• Squirrel distress
• Sore throat

The case for shouting at squirrels:

• Erm

Based on the evidence put before the court, shouting at squirrels shall remain an offence. Now we’ll hear the Crown versus Lightly Tickling The Inside Of One’s Own Forearm.