Outsiders and Racists and Werthers Original Imperialists02 Mar 2010 11:29 am
By Kelvin

As a white male, I’ve often thought, “why isn’t there more stuff for me?” You just have to walk around town – well, admittedly you have to walk quite a long way from the bit where I live, where all the curry restaurant owners have the good grace not to go outdoors in the daylight hours – to see signs proclaiming “Diwali” and “Eid” with no consideration whatsoever for the western English speaker who might not know what they are and therefore be offended by them. Similarly, as soon as you go out and buy a digital radio, scroll through the 40-odd inoffensive housewife music and sports commentary stations, and find the BBC Asian Network there, you’re assaulted by “bang-rah” music and people discussing issues that I could only care about if I wasn’t white. For now, at least.

There has NEVER been a good reason for ever having an Asian Network paid for by the TV licence payer.

An ‘Anglo Saxon’ radio station would never be tolerated, neither would a ‘White British’ channel be tolerated by the powers that be. And for goodness sake, even England doesn’t merit a radio channel of its own although Wales, Scotland and NI do! So why on earth the Asian community should be so specially treated is a mystery.

Or is it?

- Alan, Bewdley, Worcs

And you know, as a White British (not in Wales, Scotland or NI) myself I find his logic hard to escape. I can’t have a channel tailored to my interests – I mean, what kind of channel would show endless repeats of Top Gear and QI – so no-one should get a channel tailored to their interests. The BBC should identify the Average Licence Payer – Middle-Aged, About 5′ 7″, No Non-White Genes At All, Lives In Bewdley, Worcs – and make only television and radio for that person. But you can’t say that without a bunch of PC drones accusing you of being some kind of selfish white imperialist bastard.

110 Responses to “Apart from Freeview channel 9. And 14. And 19. And most of the others.”

  1. on 02 Mar 2010 at 11:39 am Shackleton

    Can you imagine if there was a channel that just showed things like Andrew Marr’s History of Britain, Britain’s Best Boozer, <Britain From Above and Great Britons? Of course you can’t, because if you did you’d be banged up for thoughtcrime before you could say ‘Blighty‘.

  2. on 02 Mar 2010 at 11:40 am newliebour

    Alan putting “or is it?” at the end of his spittle flecked rant about “ashunz” reminds me of an episode from the last season of South Park where Cartman makes xenophobic, libellous rants then ends with “or is it??” in order to seem like he asking a question. Could it be that Alan has a thing against smurfs? albeit the brown ones?

  3. on 02 Mar 2010 at 11:54 am Bugrat

    Just for Alan of Bewdley (is this what he really wants?)…

    hwæt we gar-dena in geardagum,
    þeodcyninga þrym gefrunon,
    hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon.
    oft scyld scefing sceaþena þreatum,
    monegum mægþum meodosetla ofteah,
    egsode eorlas, syððan ærest wearð
    feasceaft funden; he þæs frofre gebad,
    weox under wolcnum, weorðmyndum þah,
    oðþæt him æghwylc þær ymbsittendra
    ofer hronrade hyran scolde,
    gomban gyldan. þæt wæs god cyning!

    (clipped, ironically, from the BBC’s website)

  4. on 02 Mar 2010 at 12:09 pm Petpete

    I’m admittedly a bit gutted about 6 Music, I really enjoyed it. Couldn’t give a flying shit about the Asian Network though.

  5. on 02 Mar 2010 at 12:15 pm Philbert

    And for goodness sake, even England doesn’t merit a radio channel of its own although Wales, Scotland and NI do!

    Alan is absolutely right – England doesn’t have a local radio station, it has forty local radio stations. Perhaps he’s just too stupid to tune a radio to BBC Hereford & Worcester.

  6. on 02 Mar 2010 at 12:33 pm funny peculiar

    Oooh… Kelvin’s link doesn’t work. Even the Gods are mortal! Surely the end is nigh.

  7. on 02 Mar 2010 at 12:38 pm David Howell

    Long-time lurker, first-time poster (I think).

    Anyone else think the 6Music closure has been made because closing down Asian Network *on its own* would look A Bit Racist, and thus very, very obviously pandering to the Tories?

  8. on 02 Mar 2010 at 12:55 pm Felna

    I don’t think Alan counts Dave as an Anglo Saxon channel though cos some of the shows have nig-nogs on it as well as Jeremy Clarkson, and they had a welsh night on yesterday!

  9. on 02 Mar 2010 at 1:01 pm Kelvin

    Oooh… Kelvin’s link doesn’t work. Even the Gods are mortal! Surely the end is nigh.

    Fucking WordPress. It must have gone missing when I was editing out the first half of the article that it randomly pasted into the middle of the article while I was still writing the article. Anyway, it’s fixed.

    Anyone else think the 6Music closure has been made because closing down Asian Network *on its own* would look A Bit Racist, and thus very, very obviously pandering to the Tories?

    I think it’s more likely a kind of rearguard action on the BBC’s part. If they give up a selection of high-profile youth-oriented services, they can claim to be reducing overlap between themselves and Channel 4, who are resurgent in that area right now. Sad to say, closing down the Asian Network makes reasonable financial sense. The figures have never been great for it (even compared to other DAB stations), probably because it’s not very well marketed to the people who it’s aimed at, and it’s aimed at a slice of the market that may not know about/care about/have the money to invest in DAB equipment. Plus there are regional commercial asian stations serving parts of the community in most of the large multicultural cities anyway, and with the tories incoming the BBC needs to look like it’s not in competition with commercial media. In the long term this will look like a terrible decision though.

  10. on 02 Mar 2010 at 1:05 pm Kelvin

    I don’t think Alan counts Dave as an Anglo Saxon channel though cos some of the shows have nig-nogs on it as well as Jeremy Clarkson, and they had a welsh night on yesterday!

    Alan used to quite enjoy QI until once, completely unannounced, they had Reginald D Hunter on, who is not only black but also an immigrant! I mean, I say unannounced, his name was in the Radio Times but it’s as though he DELIBERATELY chose an English-sounding name to TRICK non-racist White Britishes into not expecting a black man and so they haven’t put up their usual mental filters so they get hit with a wave of involuntary racism at the surprise of seeing a black man with a white man’s name! See, these blacks, they bring it upon themselves.

  11. on 02 Mar 2010 at 1:07 pm Cab Grunter

    What an utter cunt.

    Or is he?

    Yes, we checked – twice: utter cunt.

  12. on 02 Mar 2010 at 1:15 pm Cab Grunter

    I was shocked to see a man called Reginald a) be black and b) openly talking to a homosexual – all paid for by the BBC stealth tax! I also feared he was going to bust a cap in yo (my) ass.

    I once met some black people. Why can’t black people be content with being called Ha’penny and Chalky anymore? It’s political correctness gone mad.

  13. on 02 Mar 2010 at 1:16 pm Cab Grunter

    You knew where you were with a Denzel.

  14. on 02 Mar 2010 at 1:27 pm TrumpsCombOver

    Are they really definitely getting rid of radio 6, or is it just a possibility? I’d only just started tuning in again after they moved that aardvarks axewound george lamb to a graveyard slot. :-/

  15. on 02 Mar 2010 at 1:28 pm Shackleton

    Nick Jarvis has a new idea for dealing with those pesky browns and their wants:

    I agree that maybe BBC Asian Network should be cut, it isn’t that useful and could be put out overnight on one of the other channels. Same goes for 1Xtra.

    Nick Jarvis, London,

    You see? Once they’re done serving his curry and selling him his fags in the corner shop, they can go home, record the Asian Network and then listen to it the next day. They don’t deserve ‘live’ entertainment, and it “isn’t that useful” anyway.

  16. on 02 Mar 2010 at 1:30 pm fucko the clown

    Playstation network restored, life has meaning again. I’m far to busy playing Modern warfare and shooting forruns to care about some shit radio station i’ve never heard of.

    -our UAV is online-

  17. on 02 Mar 2010 at 1:35 pm Petpete

    Those brief few hours when I didn’t have Modern Warfare in my life were completely fucking horrible. In case you are unaware of its existence, this made me chuckle: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/ps3-owners-seek-urgent-news-from-asgharoth-201003022517/

  18. on 02 Mar 2010 at 1:39 pm Kelvin

    Are they really definitely getting rid of radio 6, or is it just a possibility? I’d only just started tuning in again after they moved that aardvarks axewound george lamb to a graveyard slot. :-/

    The official line is that both stations will definitely close by the end of 2011, but the spending review needs to be passed by the BBC Trust (which it will) and a Public Consultation (which it might not, but as with all public consultations it’ll be ignored if it doesn’t). It is possible that enough of a public uproar could convince them to keep one or both, especially since they’ll probably spunk a years’ worth of running costs for 6music into rebranding Radio 7 anyway.

  19. on 02 Mar 2010 at 1:44 pm My Pockets Hurt

    This guy commenting on the Heil’s story is great:

    “When can I start charging the BBC for my person being bombarded with mirowave signals that I didn`t ask for, but still have to pay a TAX for the beeb to throw at me.
    - Col P”

    I have an image of him stubbornly typing that via a dial-up connection, all wrapped up in nice big duvet and hiding in the wardrobe.

  20. on 02 Mar 2010 at 1:52 pm Kelvin

    Presumably Col P also has a huge unpaid invoice addressed to the Sun (the big hot thing in the sky, not the tit-obsessed bullshit rag that doesn’t pay any tax).

  21. on 02 Mar 2010 at 1:53 pm fucko the clown

    I felt like there was a giant whole in my day without playstation, it was horrible, horrible i tell you, I had to go outside and everything, there were people there, and the air was all different. thank god that when I woke up this morning it was all working again, yesterday was just like a bad dream. We need to make sure this doesn’t happen again in 4 years time when they make up another leap year that doesn’t exist.

  22. on 02 Mar 2010 at 2:06 pm Loumo

    I can’t do yer fancy linking, but halfway down the comments on here:

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2010/mar/01/bbc

    is another classic “I can make a poem by sticking -ly on the end of any word so it rhymes with BBC”. Poster’s name is bloodydoorsoff and I’m suspecting it’s been a while since he was last blown. I think he’s probably written a little tune to go with it too. There was a brief point I thought it was being satirical, but I’m pretty sure the polar bear’s parts meant it.

  23. on 02 Mar 2010 at 2:06 pm Loumo

    Ooooh, automatic linking. Blimey, I almost look skilful.

  24. on 02 Mar 2010 at 2:18 pm Fish

    Hmmm. How many of the dead guys on Radio 3 are of ethnicity?

    [The two hours they give to "world music" doesn't count for purposes of this question.]

  25. on 02 Mar 2010 at 2:19 pm Grumpy Fisherman

    That HYS topic is fantastic. Especially love some of the comments along the lines of “instead of cutting [insert their favourite bullshit dribble TV station here] why not save money by bringing back the old HYS site?”. I swear I even saw one asking for a debate on bringing back the old HYS format. Meta-HYS analysis? That could be a real gem.

  26. on 02 Mar 2010 at 2:20 pm Fish

    [If you're a R3 head - and I'm one, for my sins - you'll know of the existence of a Campaign For Real R3, for which even the small time they give to non-Europeans is derided, even though it's late at night when they've all gone to bed to dream of sucking Edward Elgar's cock.]

  27. on 02 Mar 2010 at 2:23 pm Kelvin

    why not save money by bringing back the old HYS site?

    Ah, they’re well clued in to the fact that replacing a web application with its predecessor means that all the money spent on the new version gets magically un-spent!

  28. on 02 Mar 2010 at 2:24 pm ugeine

    The cuts do not go far enough. Mark Thompson should be replaced. Broadcasting standards at the BBC have fallen to an all time low under his watch. He even dares to insult those of us who pay his salary by describing the most foul mouthed presenters as “talented”. It beggars belief that a director general could have such poor judgement and be so inarticulate and ineloquent.
    - R.F.York, Yorks UK, 2/3/2010 10:42

    Disagree with R.F. York from Yorkshire’s opinion on Johhnathon Ross? In which case, if you were a BBC employer, you should be sacked from the BBC, according to R.F. York from Yorkshire.

  29. on 02 Mar 2010 at 2:30 pm Kelvin

    Why doesn’t the BBC understand? I pay one 24-millionth of their income, that means they’re not allowed to make anything that I don’t like!

  30. on 02 Mar 2010 at 2:32 pm Mr Cat

    Top marks here for using the BBC as a microcosmic metaphor for society in general and sneaking it into a debate about funding cuts.

    1006. At 09:19am on 28 Feb 2010, Ax0l0tl wrote:
    Why should the BBC cut back on anything?

    There is more than enough wealth to keep the BBC as it is and expand. The problem is that the vast bulk of the wealth is concentrated in the hands of a relatively small few.This wealth needs to be expropriated so that it can be used for the good of the many.

  31. on 02 Mar 2010 at 3:03 pm Jones

    Alan’s so much of a dick that he can’t even be racist properly. Instead of saying there’s never been a good reason for Brown Folk FM he should be demanding that it’s kept, and all the darkies kept off the one he watches. Specifically, that’ll be Ultimate Force re-edited so that all the people in it are Grant Mitchell and then repeated 24hrs a day.

  32. on 02 Mar 2010 at 3:36 pm The Artful Licence Dodger

    There should be a channel for people like ME who don’t pay their licence fee but genuinely feel rage and offence at the BBC for wasting the licence fee on minority groups. We (ME) are (is) an important section of the community and are woefully under-represented by current scheduling. Its an OUTRAGE! They spend 200 million on a soap opera in Punjabi, probly, and don’t make a single piece of soft lesbo porn starring Katie Huq.

    Is that what my Grandad didn’t die in the war for?

  33. on 02 Mar 2010 at 4:09 pm funny peculiar

    and while they are about it, can they please go upmarket with the news programmes. I don’t call it news to hear what some so called celebrity had for his/her breakfast, I want to know what is happening in the world. This celebrity culture has got completely out of hand, as most of them are famous for being famous, and not for having achieved something momentous.
    - grannigrump, bolton,lancs,england.

    This is the most approved comment from the Daily Mail’s article about the BBC cuts. You certainly can’t accuse Mail readers of wallowing in self-deluded hypocrisy, oh no! There’s none of that ’sleb’ nonsense at The Mail, no sir! Strictly world events, high-brow culture and intellectual editorials.

  34. on 02 Mar 2010 at 5:02 pm Rager B Cunt

    I would like to see money invested into the BBC printing press.

  35. on 02 Mar 2010 at 5:04 pm Bung R Tracer

    I agree with Rager.

  36. on 02 Mar 2010 at 5:10 pm Great C Burn

    I could happily recommend a *published* author for the BBC’s Printing Press. Money well spent, if only they weren’t scared to allow certain authors getting their renegade theories on climate change out there, and bring down the house of cards they have made for themselves.

  37. on 02 Mar 2010 at 5:42 pm Shackleton

    From a thread about insulating your home, or some other lefty-liberal AGW propaganda nonsense.

    From the moment that we switch our radiators on half of the heat given off by them is lost as it goes into the wall behind them. We can, however, get around this problem with an invention from a then schoolboy that got onto the ‘Tommorow’s World’ program decades ago. He had learned from School that heat is given off by way of conduction, convection, and radiation, so when his Grandmother had problems meeting her heating bills the schoolboy reasoned that heat loss due to conduction and convection could be stopped by putting a lining of cardboard covered with silver cooking foil behind his Grandmother’s radiators. Heat loss through the wall is now slashed, and rooms heat up faster when the heating comes on. The Fire Brigade said at the time that the cardboard was not a fire hazard as behind the radiator is the least damaged part of a room in the event of a fire. And this saving cuts the CO2 emissions of your house. I have done this, why don’t you?

    Andy Kadir-Buxton

    God I love this guy. I hope he never ever stops.

  38. on 02 Mar 2010 at 6:00 pm Tim nice but dim

    – Kelvnote™: This comment is really pisspoor so to help things along I’ve hidden some secret messages in it. Have fun finding them! –

    The Squirrel and The Grasshopper

    REST OF THE WORLD/SANE PEOPLE VERSION
    The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

    Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
    THE END

    THE MADE UP SWIVEL-EYED NUTJOB/DAILY MAIL READER* VERSION
    The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter, when he can lie in bed dreaming about what it might be like to fellate Boris Johnson. The squirrel is me, by the way. The withering heat is NOT a result of anthropocentric global warming because the squirrel is not human so it stands to reason it would be sciuridacentric global warming if global warming existed, which it doesn’t. It was just a hot summer, OK?

    The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

    Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed, but insulated from the outside world, and develops a bizzare paranoid fantasy inside his head that goes a little something like this.
    A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. Social workers can and do, of course, call press conferences at the drop of a hat for every case they come across regardless of merit. It’s the only way they ever get anything done.

    The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. I mean, just stop and think of the number of times you’ve seen live footage of an immigrasshopper with a weeping social worker in the background on BBC News intercut with footage of squirrels. In fact I challenge you to think of a BBC News bulletin you HAVEN’T seen such an image on.

    The Daily Mail informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. No, really, it does that. The Daily Mail pleads the poor immigrasshopper’s plight rather than demonising it and blaming it for all the ills of “Broken Britain.” IT FUCKING DOES. STOP LAUGHING. STOP LAUGHING YOU CUNT BASTARDS AND LISTEN TO MY TRUE STORY.

    The Green Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Social Housing Commission demonstrate in front of the squirrel’s house. Strangely the squirrel can’t provide any evidence of any of this ever happening, even though it definitely does happen, it happens all the time and it’s not made up for the purposes of inflated rhetoric or anything.

    The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing ‘We Shall Overcome’. Notice the clever usage of “cultural” twice there as an implied insult. This occurred because I am a very clever squirrel. I mean, the squirrel is a very clever squirrel. I am the squirrel. I think. I forgot my point ages ago but I’m going to bang on regardless because my voice is by far the most interesting thing I ever hear.

    A socialist rants in an interview with Andrew Marr that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his ‘fair share’ and increases the charge for squirrels to enter the congestion zone in London. Of course the tax hikes are racially bound so a non-white squirrel earning as much as the poor hardworking squirrel who just wants to sleep all winter – I am the squirrel, don’t forget – doesn’t have to pay as much tax.

    In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel’s taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. Also the judge calls him a bit of a Walter Mitty character and has to keep reminding him that he has to answer the questions he gets asked, rather than the ones posed by the fairies buzzing around his head.

    The grasshopper is provided with a Social Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel’s food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society – in this case the grasshopper.

    Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. But because he’s comfortably middle-class, he gets Squirrel Kevin McCloud to film him while he does it. Squirrel Kevin McCloud seems very nice in person but the squirrel is very dissapointed that when the episode of Grand Squirrel Designs goes out, Squirrel Kevin McCloud has made comments that seem to indicate he thinks the squirrel’s architectural prowess is limited and pedestrian. The new house never really feels adequate to the squirrel after this and he spends much of his time in it suffering from a low grade ennui and sense of hollowness. I am the squirrel. Squirrel Kevin McCloud is Kevin McCloud.

    The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. Where the fuck cats came from in this metaphor I have no idea, but like I said the squirrel is a bit mental and I am the squirrel and at the bare minimum it means more exposure for my voice.

    On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of the British apparent love of dogs. Now stop for a second because so far I’ve been equating animals to various different stereotypes of segments of the British population. But now I’ve thrown a bit of a left hook in there and equated dogs to the nebulous concept of freedom. Stop for a minute and really think about that. Dogs. Freedom. It actually works quite well, doesn’t it. You’ve probably got an image of a springer spaniel happily catching a frisbee.

    The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Fortunately a band of vigilante Daily Mail reading squirrels is on hand to rip the cats limb from limb because that’s how squirrels do justice, bitch.

    Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. For those of you too thick to penetrate my brilliant metaphor here, what I’m implying is that asylum seekers are generally more powerful than the people they’re escaping from, because I know all about Rwanda and shit. You might like to take a few seconds here to consider what a collosal gaping cunt I am, or you can carry on and wait until the end to think that.

    The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people’s credit cards. Now we have people in this metaphor as well. So the squirrels aren’t people? Or the people are squirrels? Or I’m confused and not very good at this allegory thing.

    A Newsnight special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel’s food, though spring is still months away, while the Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs. Now you might find the continual media intrusion into the lives of these two animals, and the fact that squirrels and grasshoppers don’t even eat the same food, somewhat curious, but don’t worry about that. It all works inside my head. I am the squirrel.

    Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper’s drug ‘Illness’, but in reality the issue is that cost-cutting in the provision of social services by the Tories through the 1980s have resulted in them being woefully undermanned. As such they lack the time to adequately assess the grasshopper’s needs which has resulted in him being given entirely the wrong kind of assistance – I mean, he can’t fucking eat acorns, so why have they given him all the squirrel’s acorns? Look at them, they’re ten times the size of his little grasshopper head, his intestinal tract can’t process them and he’s surrounded by abundant grasshopper food, but to his credit he takes the overworked, under-qualified social worker at her word and tries to eat his way through this inappropriate food he’s been given. He’s probably eaten it so quickly because he’s not able to extract any nutrients from it, so he finds himself desperately weak and hungry no matter how much he eats. To try and hide from the resulting despair the grasshopper has sought refuge in unreality. What a bastard. That’s for squirrels to do.

    The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in Britain. I don’t really know against who. For a properly biting satire I should probably have worked that out. Realistically this bit looks like something of an afterthought now.

    The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drug habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him, when really he should be sectioned for his own safety until they can work out why he was trying to stab an intangible concept like freedom.

    Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. The guinea pig here represents the squirrel’s failing short-term memory, and his tragic inability to keep rack of which animal represents which made-up stereotype in this story. The squirrel is me though. I’m pretty good at remembering which bits of the story prick my self-interest.

    A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10 million and state the obvious, is set up. But what does beautiful Princess Diana get? NOTHING, THAT’S WHAT. The Daily Mail takes a brief respite from praising the immigrasshopper – STOP LAUGHING – to bemoan the lack of respect for THE PRINCESS OF OUR HEARTS GOD BLESS HER SOUL.

    Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers. Sadly no review of the care received by the grasshoppers is instigated so grasshoppers across the country continue to be given squirrel food when they could just eat grass. They mostly eat grasses for fuck’s sake. There’s no crossover whatsoever between a grasshopper’s diet and a squirrel’s diet. And why is the state ineptly trying to keep this grasshopper alive through the winter when he should have naturally died off beforehand as that’s how the grasshopper lifecycle works? I’ll tell you why, because there are fucking interfering conservative busybodies in this country who vociferously protest any sort of right-to-die legislation so the poor bloody grasshopper gets dragged through a sort of hellish half-life limbo while they pat themselves on the back for how merciful and loving they’re being.

    Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. Wait, no, shit that’s cats, isn’t it. Legal aid for lawyers representing cats is increased. The lawyers are badgers. That’s a lawyery kind of animal, isn’t it. Serious, very black and white. Respectable.

    The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain ’s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats. Just because the dogs have been racially abusing the cats. I mean, it’s a fuckin’ British tradition to call cats “meowing darkie bastards” and put their windows out, innit. The dogs have stopped being freedom and started being British People. I think I started out with British People being the squirrel, but now the squirrel is just me. I am the squirrel.

    The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. Or malnutrition. Or because grasshoppers die around this time of year. The blame gets heaped on his social worker, who is probably some sort of axlotl or maybe a shrew. Of course no-one wants to admit to the systematic failures that have led to the axlotl/shrew being overworked and under-resourced because that won’t play well in the Daily Mail, so nothing actually changes but everyone feels they’ve had their pound of flesh and who gives a fuck if the grasshopper died it was only a fucking immigrant, am I right?

    The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. No-one mentions the overbearing media attention driving the grasshopper into a state of panic and despair. The media is only allowed to kill people the squirrel likes, like Diana. The Squirrel is me. Diana is Diana. I can’t remember whether she’s a squirrel or not.

    They call for the resignation of a minister. A human minister, because I’ve run out of animals whose names I know. The squirrel is me. Wait, I just remembered the Rock Hyrax, colloquially known as the Dassie. Is it too late to go back and say the minister was a Rock Hyrax? It is? Shit.

    The cats are paid £1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Britain. – Kelvnote™: I can’t take the piss out of this bit because every time I try to work out who the mice are (remember, these are the mice the cats were seeking asylum from) I can’t even remotely work out how the government would be culpable for their presence here or how that could even lead to legal action. You win, Tim, this bit is too circular to lampoon. -

    The squirrel, the dogs (freedom and British People) and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds. The squirrel is ME! ME ME ME!

    THE END!!

    *Apologies for the tautology

    Vote Squirrel

  39. on 02 Mar 2010 at 6:32 pm ad ho

    @Shackleton
    I wonder whether this uncredited schoolboy used similar principles to make a device that prevents head-chills and repels BBC microwaves, thus saving the wearer the cost of the licence fee.

  40. on 02 Mar 2010 at 6:49 pm damon green

    Better still, fit the radiators on the outside of the wall, so that all of the `wasted’ heat is actually `lost’ into your home.

    Have some of that, Kadir-Buxton

  41. on 02 Mar 2010 at 6:50 pm Schroduck

    I read that “British Ant and the Grasshopper” story . The whole. Shitting. Thing. I could rant about the myriad flaws in it (I’m particularly confused that a country of talking animals still has Andrew Marr in it), but instead, I’ve decided to write my own story.

    Little Bo Peep had lost her sheep and didn’t know where to find them. Then a twat in the British People’s Party wrote a racist version of a children’s story and Little Bo Peep went and beat him over the head with her crook. Then the sheep ate him. The end… OR IS IT?

  42. on 02 Mar 2010 at 6:57 pm Shin00bie

    @tim nice but dim

    It sounds to me like that guy’s saving for a one way ticket to the beautiful undersea city of Rapture.

  43. on 02 Mar 2010 at 7:04 pm Middle Class Ponce

    It took a while to dawn on me that Tim not very nice and extremely dim wasn’t being ironic with that post. I therefore wasted several minutes reading halfway though the fucking thing.
    That’s a few minutes you owe me Tim.
    Cunt.

  44. on 02 Mar 2010 at 7:06 pm [NutterBrackets]

    The start of bloodydoorsoff’s poem:

    I want adverts on the BBC
    So we can end the stupid licence fee
    I’m fed up with Americans laughing at me
    because I need a licence to watch TV

    I want adverts on the BBC
    between repeats of ‘Porridge’ and ‘Dad’s Army’
    Is it 2010 or 1973?
    They’re filling the schedules with antiquity

    Now, excuse for going apeshit here, but what the fuck has this cunt got against Porridge and Dad’s Army? They are fucking classics! The beauty of the multi-channel environment is that there is space to repeat these wonderfully scripted and acted programmes for ever and ever, so I can watch them when I’m having my tea and everybody else is watchig X-factor.

    Anyway they are on Dave, not the BBC, which has adverts, so this cunt has got his wish.

  45. on 02 Mar 2010 at 7:24 pm Loumo

    You know what Dad’s Army and Porridge have in common (apparent from being funny)? No female characters. I reckon bloodydoorsoff likes Two Pints Of Lager because it’s got loads of well dirty birds in it. That’s why he likes adverts too. Specially Chatline ones.

    I may be overextrapolating from bad poetry to furious TV-based wanking, but it’s not that big a leap if you ask me. I bet William McGonnagal was just the same. And Pam Ayres.

    Sorry, that was unnecessary imagery, wasn’t it?

  46. on 02 Mar 2010 at 7:25 pm SoulBoy

    HYSer browned-off wrote, at 1224 on 22nd Feb,

    Couldn’t agree more with the posts pointing out that this “new and further deteriorated” HYS is already being taken over by multiple e-mail accounted electoral spammers. Wading through hundreds of political adverts to find a real comment is not on my agenda. I’ll be back when the HYS is not moderated by left-wing bigots, the “Recommend” button is replaced and my posts are displayed alongside those equally time-stamped as received. A post 24 hours after the topic has closed is not acceptable. Au revoir.

    You will be pleased to note that the left-wing bigots stopped moderating the posts on the 25th.

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/profile/?userid=14151907

    No so much goodbye as au revoir indeed.

    A couple of others making a rapid return -

    Alison http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/profile/?userid=14353932

    pandatank http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/profile/?userid=2589183

    And yes I did just scan through all 957 comments in the Changes To HYS thread looking for good bye messages in the final paragraph before cross referencing their posting histories. Work is that slow/I am that sad*

    *Delete as applicable.

  47. on 02 Mar 2010 at 7:35 pm Shackleton

    @Tim

    Is the moral of your story ‘kill all blacks and poor folk wot wot’ by any chance?

  48. on 02 Mar 2010 at 7:59 pm Tim nice but dim

    – Kelvnote™: I like you Tim, you’ve got a kind of lazy chutzpah that I admire. I think I’ll help you along in your antics by adding some humour to your posts when you post here. I think that way we all get something from the experience. –

    @Shackleton

    As much as I would like to take credit for that wonderful little story, I got it from the Guy Martin website. Now that the Beeb have ruined HYS by removing the voting mechanism, I am having to explore the internets for more interesting sites. I started out with a very interesting one where someone had photoshopped the heads of leading Tories onto the naked, oiled bodies of young men who I understand are known as “twinks” not that I understand such lingo, you realise. But after 6 minutes I was chozzled to the point of physical injury so I decided to come here and have a crack at mental masturbation instead. Please don’t make any comments about how quickly I shot my load, I’m new to the whole mental aspect.

    May Alex Gubbay rot in hell.

  49. on 02 Mar 2010 at 9:20 pm funny peculiar

    Once upon a time there was a confused white pigeon. He lived in a park in London and shared the park with lots of other birds and animals. The confused white pigeon was convinced all the other animals were stupid and bad because they didn’t eat what he ate or behave like he behaved. It made him agrier and agrier to watch the rabbits eating grass and flowers. He’d fly down to the rabbits and scream, “LEFTOVER HAMBURGER SCRAPS, CRISPS AND FAG ENDS, YOU STUPID FREAKS! YOU CAN’T EAT FUCKING GRASS!”

    Everyday the pigeon would splutter with rage to the other pigeons (who had nicknamed him Swivel-Eyed Dickhead behind his back) claiming that pigeons had the most right to the park and that sparrows were all evil because they were the wrong size. He’d strut up and down claiming all members of the crow family were lazy and all ducks were homosexual. The newly arrived green parakeets tended to make him rather incoherent.

    One day a fox was… yadda yadda argument about “white feathers not red fur” …Chaucer’s fox story… blah blah… Swivel Eyed Dickhead died horribly, screaming as the fox tore out his living entrails.

    And lo, there was great rejoicing and the other pigeons laughed like drains.
    The End.

  50. on 02 Mar 2010 at 9:21 pm Philbert

    I had no idea that Aesop was such a cunt.

  51. on 02 Mar 2010 at 9:22 pm Ugeine

    An ‘Anglo Saxon’ radio station would never be tolerated,

    He’s got a point, I can’t think of a single Anglo Saxon radio Station.

    After all, the Vikings have Viking FM:

    http://www.vikingfm.co.uk/

    and the Celts have Celtic FM:

    http://www.2000fm.com/irish/index.htm

    But I can’t find a single Anglo Saxon radio. The BBC don’t make a single broadcast in Old English, either.

    Bloody discrimination, that is.

  52. on 02 Mar 2010 at 9:52 pm Have Your Lurk

    @Tim nice but dim

    I object to your taking my slot as the thickest person on the forum.

  53. on 02 Mar 2010 at 10:00 pm Have Your Lurk

    @Shackleton

    Wait a minute, that trick about the foil behind your radiators actually works. Looks horrible, mind, but it does work. Hence, I believe that this is the first known recorded thing-that-makes-sense by Andy K-B. Methinks.

    …or is it?

  54. on 02 Mar 2010 at 10:10 pm Oliver Prest the 5th

    Ad Ho, In repsonse to your comment; Rest of World Version your a retard. lololololololololololol for ever. The End

    British Version;

    I say boy, why you strike me as a fucking retard. Wot Wot – For ever.

    The end

  55. on 02 Mar 2010 at 10:17 pm john Adair's Gerbil

    @Shackleton

    Andy K-B should have paid attention at skool.

    He’s not going to stop heat being lost via conduction and convection as those are the two not affected by silver foil.

    Your radiated heat gives you some direct good toastiness for your muffins, convection circulates warm air aroind and conduction makes the back of the wall a bit warmer.

    The foil would reflect the radiated heat back to the radiator, adding to the convected heat in the room and doing some small effects via conduction.

    Howver, as the thermostat is likeley to be in the hall, miles away from any radiator, I doubt it would make more than a pennysworth of difference.

    He could always trye smacking her aroung the head – that would add kinetic energy to the mix.

  56. on 02 Mar 2010 at 11:02 pm [NutterBrackets]

    I’ve clad my radiators with Pop-Tarts in order to improve the conduction or something. Now Ban Ki Moon won’t respond to my letters. Typical.

  57. on 03 Mar 2010 at 1:40 am Kelvin

    Oh dear, I accidentally did a naughty thing to Tim’s posts. I apologise to those of you who have already read them and now might need to read them all over again.

  58. on 03 Mar 2010 at 8:23 am Sam Rothstein

    Is this the new HYS page that everyone has been talking about?

    I’m not sure I like the new colours and where has the recommend button gone?

  59. on 03 Mar 2010 at 8:46 am Have Your Lurk

    @Kelvin

    Excellent work, sir! Congratulations on a job well done. Who was that masked man?

  60. on 03 Mar 2010 at 9:06 am Middle Class Ponce

    @Kelvin
    Thanks for your good work. I will go back to lurking, but in future I will wait until you’ve added a decent amount of humour before reading through the thread.
    Of course, now you’ve fixed Tim’s post, it makes my previous post look like I’m the twat. But I’m used to that anyway.

  61. on 03 Mar 2010 at 9:55 am Have Your Lurk

    @Middle Class Ponce

    Hey! I’M the twat around here! Oh, no, wait, I’m the thicko. Sorry. You can be the twat, then.

  62. on 03 Mar 2010 at 10:45 am Massive Propagating Bee Extinction

    This is what happens when you have a job. You miss out on all the red hot three year old chain emails pasted in places where something horrible happens every day.

    I’m never getting a job again.

  63. on 03 Mar 2010 at 10:45 am Massive Propagating Bee Extinction

    Also, something hilarious about furry sex and tim’s mum.

  64. on 03 Mar 2010 at 11:00 am Ed aka Ghost of Cuger-Jaggar, PhD

    IRONIC COMMENT ABOUT ANIMALS’ LADY-PARTS HERE.*

    * Kelvin, fix it would you?

    - Kelvnote™: Do it yourself, you Ropey Rock Hyrax’s Rear Entrance. -

  65. on 03 Mar 2010 at 11:08 am pigfrottage

    new thread please. Something about how “non dom” sounds a bit like condom.

  66. on 03 Mar 2010 at 11:19 am random punter

    @ Kelvin

    I’ve just re-read it, but can’t see where you’ve changed it. Could you highlight the amendment please?

    I feel sad for the guinea pig, who seems to be a victim of collateral damage in this sorry tale. However my sympathy is tempered by the fact that guinea pigs are in fact immigrunts, so he was probably due to be repatriated anyway, and the taxpayer will no longer have to foot the bill for that.

  67. on 03 Mar 2010 at 11:55 am Ed aka Ghost of Cuger-Jaggar, PhD

    new thread please. Something about how “non dom” sounds a bit like condom.

    Peter Brookes’s cartoon in The Times: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00691/TTM022101CC-copy-14_691467a.jpg

  68. on 03 Mar 2010 at 11:57 am SoulBoy

    Any mention of the ethnicity of this squirrel? I bet it is one of those immigrunt forrin grey fuckers, coming over here spreading its forrin diseases, taking over our beloved indiginus reds’ habitats.

    Methinks this is the real story here.

  69. on 03 Mar 2010 at 12:08 pm funny peculiar

    An ‘Anglo Saxon’ radio station – - Alan, Bewdley, Worcs

    …but Jeremy, there’s kids as young as nine hanging round outside our hearth-hall, drinking cheap imported mead and doing axe-crimes. I tell you, it’s another case of Awful Anglia and our chieftains seem more interested in cosying up to their Greaco-Romano pals in Constantinople instead of caring for their thegns. It’s just stealth-tithe after stealth-tithe.

    And as for these ‘so-called’ Christians coming over here with their holier-than-thou attitude and their bells ‘n’ smells… well may I remind them that this country is a PAGAN country and if they don’t want to celebrate Saturnalia then why don’t they go back to where-ever it is they came from and take their foreign Christmas with them. And another thi..”

    “Err, thank you. That was Hengist from Barrow-In-Furness… Are you a vassal? What do you think about proposals to increase the goose allowance? Let us know. On the line now we have Aldith from Oakhamstead. Aldith, are you there?…

  70. on 03 Mar 2010 at 12:15 pm Have Your Lurk

    Okay, I’ve been a right-on socialist poking fun at racist cunts for a while now. But, um, the fact is that I don’t actually know any non-white people. (Unless you count one guy of Asian extraction who is almost whiter than I am, both in appearance and behaviour.)

    I’m sort of feeling a little bad about this. Are any of you guys/gals non-white, just out of curiosity? Then I can say I kind of know you, in a very post-modern, Facebook-style I-don’t-actually-know-you-at-all sort of way.

    (It’s political correctness gone mad people! Methinks. Or is it…?)

  71. on 03 Mar 2010 at 12:35 pm andrew

    OMG the reworked squirrel story might be the funniest thing I’ve ever read on the internet. Obviously it’s a pretty narrow field, but thank you all the same Kelvin.

  72. on 03 Mar 2010 at 12:43 pm random punter

    @ Have Your Lurk

    Typical Aryan deviousness, trying to extract our genetic code from us by stealth.

    You have to be careful with what information you put out on the interwebs – people can work shit out about you.

    For instance:

    But, um, the fact is that I don’t actually know any non-white people.

    This tells me that you are not currently in prison. See how easy it is?

  73. on 03 Mar 2010 at 12:47 pm [NutterBrackets]

    I saw one of those “Squirrel Kevin McCloud” programmes on the Squirrel Discovery Channel the other day. It had adverts in it and everything, and I didn’t pay for it with a stealth acorn tax either, I paid for it with a good old fashioned subscription to Squirrel Rupert Murdoch. So that should keep Squirrelbloodydoorsoff happy, the squirreley cunt.

  74. on 03 Mar 2010 at 12:52 pm random punter

    I saw the squirrel episode of QI the other night (see OP regarding endless repeats on Dave), and according to Saint Stephen, grey sqirrels taste OK and can be made into Cinderella’s slippers. Fact.

  75. on 03 Mar 2010 at 12:53 pm funny peculiar

    Could be in that prison where they send Jeffrey Archer and Johnathan Aitken and other ‘decent’, ‘civilised’ perverters of justice and government, who don’t deserve proper prison. I’m guessing there’s no persons of colour there, (unless Kieth Vaz has been sent down when I wasn’t looking.) Upstanding white cunts only.

  76. on 03 Mar 2010 at 1:10 pm Have Your Lurk

    @funny peculiar

    “Upstanding white cunts.”

    That created a mental image which will keep a smile on my face for the rest of the hour. Thank you.

  77. on 03 Mar 2010 at 1:12 pm pigfrottage

    @Ed aka Ghost of Cuger-Jaggar, PhD

    Quite close to a coffee > screen interface moment there. Fortunately I can hold my coffee.

    @funny peculiar

    Brilliant, although I can’t help but think that you need to get out more. Maybe they could have been communicating via beacons … Now I need to get out more.

  78. on 03 Mar 2010 at 1:13 pm Have Your Lurk

    @random punter

    Oh, no, you’ve figured out that I’m not in prison! Can stealing my identity be far away?

    Incidentally, I never actually said I was white in my post, did I? HA! Bet you feel like a right judgemental twat now, eh? Took you hook, like and sinker, eh? Eh? Hit your guilt glands right where they live, mate!

    Um. Where’s everybody gone?

  79. on 03 Mar 2010 at 1:47 pm jpr

    “I’m sort of feeling a little bad about this. Are any of you guys/gals non-white, just out of curiosity?”

    I’m not, but my sister-in-law is. Is that close enough?

    I am an immigrant. But I did it the other way – I fled Broken Britain for Awful Australia. I came over here, took all their jobs, demanded free schooling for my kids and even sponged off their health system.

    I’m also a transvestite, which is almost as close as you can get to being gay whilst still being straight :-)

  80. on 03 Mar 2010 at 1:54 pm random punter

    @HYL
    It’s a fair point that you didn’t overtly claim to be white. So my assumption that you’re either white or adopted was indeed presumptuous. Or assumptious. Or something. I shall re-gild my glands immediately.

  81. on 03 Mar 2010 at 2:05 pm Kelvin

    I’ve just re-read it, but can’t see where you’ve changed it. Could you highlight the amendment please?

    I would but after so long staring at the immense amounts of bullshit in it, I can no longer tell where his bullshit ends and my bullshit starts. I mean, in his world the Daily Mail defends the plight of benefit scroungers. I’ve had dreams where people turned into Adobe Flash documents and I couldn’t come up something that twisted.

  82. on 03 Mar 2010 at 2:06 pm Have Your Lurk

    @random punter

    You mean I’m adopted?
    This comes as something of a shock.
    Do my parents know?

  83. on 03 Mar 2010 at 2:10 pm random punter

    Of course we do.

  84. on 03 Mar 2010 at 2:20 pm gone right off Topic suddenly

    I thought squirrel shit contained nuts;

    I didn’t know it could be actually written by them too.

    Vermin.

  85. on 03 Mar 2010 at 2:24 pm Mal

    Compare and contrast the fable of the Squirrel and the Grasshopper with that of the Ant and the Man (10 marks).

  86. on 03 Mar 2010 at 2:29 pm Lost HYS poster, fleeing the recommendation ban.

    Micheal’s Foot just kicked da bucket.

    Never heard of him.

  87. on 03 Mar 2010 at 2:48 pm Have Your Lurk

    Re: my earlier post above asking if anyone else in here is white (yes, random punter, I am as white as the driven snow, at least in terms of pigmentation), now I know why my subconscious forced me to post that. (Apart from my subconscious being utterly thick, I mean, which I’ve learned to accept; I hope all of you have, too.)

    Anyway, it’s this. I guess I’m wondering if all of us in here are white, right-on lefty pinko liberal types. If we are, then basically we’re a bunch of white people laughing at another bunch of white people. Which is okay, don’t get me wrong, and given the choice of which bunch of white people to be a member of, I’d choose this one every time.

    But I’d like to know what non-white persons think of what we’re doing. After all, we’re talking about them quite a lot… Sorry for referring to them (possibly you) as them, and for referring to us (possibly them) as we, by the way. Or you. Maybe that squirrel and grasshopper-as-metaphor idea wasn’t so bad, actually.

    It’s political correctness gone mad people! Methinks. …Or is it?

  88. on 03 Mar 2010 at 2:49 pm damon green

    Anglo Saxon radio station? Try Hereward FM.

    It is pretty terrible, of course

  89. on 03 Mar 2010 at 3:03 pm Bad Mammy

    I’m a sort of murky semi-chinesey colour. This site is funny cos it laughs at the stupids. That’s an equal-opportunity sport.

  90. on 03 Mar 2010 at 3:19 pm Petpete

    (Settles down for a quiet wank)
    I know many non-whites.

  91. on 03 Mar 2010 at 3:46 pm SoulBoy

    Nice of fishinmad to slip this little tribute to Michael Fish past the mods -

    Only the good die young!

    Alliteration fails me with this… this…. this cunt!

  92. on 03 Mar 2010 at 3:47 pm SoulBoy

    Ooops! Rest assured the nation’s favourite weather forecaster is alive and well.

    Michael Foot of course

  93. on 03 Mar 2010 at 4:05 pm Ed aka Ghost of Cuger-Jaggar, PhD

    @Have a Lurk

    This site is for the clever vaguely liberal to mock the stupid and often politically extreme. Or just extremely stupid. Don’t sweat it too much.

  94. on 03 Mar 2010 at 4:15 pm pigfrottage

    Michael Foot was an intellectual giant and left wing. However he was not slick with the press and not photogenic.

    According to this, Michael Foot was put into power to enable the SDP to form. I feel like I have been walking around with my eyes closed for 30 years. So Thatcher was actually David Owen’s fault. find him and slap him.

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2010/mar/03/michael-foot-dies

  95. on 03 Mar 2010 at 4:15 pm Shackleton

    I like to think of the site as having fully come to terms with the impossibility of satirising modern life, and instead choosing to simply point and laugh at real examples of lunacy.

    In a slightly unrelated note, with regards to HYS’ new format, has anyone else noted that now the moderators pop up every now and then to answer certain users’ questions? Although often fairly obliquely, and sometimes to just refer users to other news sites that are covering the story in question?

    I hope they all keep quiet about the site redesign though – I think the new HYS will be final straw for some of these racist camels and we’ll soon see them in the street shouting and dribbling about conspiracy theories and the failed multi-cultural experiment.

  96. on 03 Mar 2010 at 4:16 pm Meh

    A donkey jacket! A DONKEY JACKET! Disrespected OUR fallen super-heroes wearing a DONKEY jacket to the Cenotaph 30 years ago!!! Argrgrgrhrhrgrhrg!!! Burn Forever Communist Scum!!!

  97. on 03 Mar 2010 at 4:39 pm SoulBoy

    Found a nice little article on The Sun website about Maddie sitings. Check out the incredibly realistic artistic impressions – http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2875942/A-2000-page-file-provides-stark-evidence-of-shocking-Portuguese-failings-in-the-hunt-for-Madeleine-McCann.html

  98. on 03 Mar 2010 at 5:08 pm Philbert

    I had to look up wikipedia to find out what exactly a donkey jacket is , and I was SHOCKED to discover that it is a type of jacket with a doorhandle attached to the left sleeve:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donkey_jacket

    Hanging was too good for Michael so-called Foot.

  99. on 03 Mar 2010 at 5:08 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    @ jpr, Immigrunt and transvestite? you only needed to be of a different hue and you would have one first prize on the Daily Mail bingo (sister in laws don’t count unless you are trying to get them a British Passport, sorry).

  100. on 03 Mar 2010 at 5:11 pm Have Your Lurk

    @Soulboy

    Holy fuck, that is amazing. It looks like their “artist” was using PhotoShop in Second Life, played through a 1980s text adventure game over a 300 bps internet connection. I swear to fuck, that looks more like Princess Diana as a midget than Maddie in the last one.

    Those pics really put the “Impressionism” into “artist’s impression”.

    @all who replied to my whitey/honky query: Thanks.

  101. on 03 Mar 2010 at 5:12 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    @ Have Your Lurk

    I guess I’m wondering if all of us in here are white, right-on lefty pinko liberal types.

    And we are all Gay and work for the BBC and NuLiabore.

  102. on 03 Mar 2010 at 6:17 pm ligne

    And we are all Gay and work for the BBC and NuLiabore.

    nah, not any more. the illuminati pay much better, and i get 30 days holiday a year. BBC is for chumps.

  103. on 03 Mar 2010 at 6:55 pm I like it Heavy!

    I think this bloke has a point though, I would love a Radio station that plays nothing but Saxon

  104. on 03 Mar 2010 at 8:42 pm Sheepless

    @Kelvin:

    I would but after so long staring at the immense amounts of bullshit in it, I can no longer tell where his bullshit ends and my bullshit starts.

    The creatures outside looked from squirrel to grasshopper, and from grasshopper to squirrel, and from squirrel to grasshopper again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.

  105. on 03 Mar 2010 at 9:01 pm Mal

    It’s easy, squirrels are much bigger and have bushy tails.

  106. on 03 Mar 2010 at 11:00 pm jpr

    @ jpr, Immigrunt and transvestite? you only needed to be of a different hue and you would have one first prize on the Daily Mail bingo

    Well, I’ve picked up quite a tan since moving to Australia. It’s all the time I get to spend on glorious uncrowded beaches :-)

    (This has been a party political broadcast on behalf of the ‘Smug Because I’m Not Freezing To Death In Britain All Year Party’*)

    *(Allied to the ‘Skin Cancer Front’)

  107. on 03 Mar 2010 at 11:04 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bone

    I know this thread has been abandoned for new stories – but those artist’s impressions of on the Sun website are awe-inspiring. I am in awe.

  108. on 04 Mar 2010 at 6:18 am Massive Propagating Bee Extinction

    Ed aka Ghost of Cuger-Jaggar, PhD

    @Have a Lurk

    This site is for the clever vaguely liberal to mock the stupid and often politically extreme. Or just extremely stupid. Don’t sweat it too much.

    Or the mentally ill.

  109. on 04 Mar 2010 at 7:27 pm szaleniec1000

    “An ‘Anglo Saxon’ radio station would never be tolerated, neither would a ‘White British’ channel be tolerated by the powers that be.”

    The BBC already broadcasts several “White British” radio stations. You may have heard of some of them, like Radio 1, Radio 2, Radio 3, Radio 4 and Five Live.

  110. on 04 Mar 2010 at 7:28 pm Braines

    OMG the video’s on the Beeb website are so funny, Mr Humperdink should have gotten an oscar, and Ms Smelly Harridan should have gotten the duckling stool