How far would you go to prevent a fuzzy outline of your genitals being one of hundreds seen every day by a bored security worker?
1 The Rapiscan is not an x-ray machine it uses “T” rays
2 No one scientifically or Medically qualified has done a study as to the effect of “T” rays on living human tissue.
3 Should I be refused permission to board my flight I will immediately strip totally naked in the security queue and show the staff and everyone that I am clean and have no impediments to boarding.
4) Having been seen naked and proved my innocence beyond doubt I will sue Manchester Airport and the British government for millions for denying me my absolute right to travel under admiralty law the highest law on the planet..john marsh
Funnily enough I know John Marsh. I was behind him in the queue at Tesco the other day. Turns out, there’s been no study by anyone scientifically or Medically qualified on the effect of typing in your pin number to the little credit card machine. I won’t go into the details of what happened next, but suffice to say John is about to become a very rich man and it will be a while before I can bring myself to eat sausages again.
Saw an email joke recently, but it made sense. rather than scanning, have each individual traveler step into a giant bomb detonation device. If they don’t blow up, they can properly board. If they do blow up, hey, happy virgin time and we are safe
Richard king
Jesus, Richard, don’t tell us you got a joke that made sense and then keep it from us. You could have used the space where you had your exploding muslim fantasy wank to tell it.
And thanks to Louis for spotting this slightly disappointed pervert:
“but they also afford clear outlines of passengers’ genitals.” What genitals? Some women have breasts, big deal; the rest is on the inside. It’s like looking out the window: there’s nothing to see.
Phil E. Drifter
Phil, take a deep breath. Now look up and look for a green sign saying “EXIT.” Once you go through that door, you will no longer be in a modern art exhibit consisting of mannequins and empty window frames, and the world will make a lot more sense.
85 Responses to “Cock Out, Innocence Proven”
Hang on. The machine at the airport is a ‘Rapiscan’? Is it modelled after our old friend Mr Rapisca?
I dread to think what would happen should john marsh exact his absolute right under admiralty law to spark up a tab in Manchester City Airport in front of this machine.
Mr Marsh is demanding his right to travel under admiralty law from Manchester Airport. Is he planning on hijacking the plane in order to get it nearer to the sea? I can see why that’d subject him to more intrusions of privacy than most fliers.
This just reminded me of this trufax: when my mother had her double masectomy, the NHS for space reasons bumped her into the nearby 5-star private hospital. The evening she was coming round from her operation, a nurse decided to offer her dinner, and hearing only grunts back, just got her what was on that evening’s menu anyway.
Duck breasts. In cranberry sauce.
What? Off topic? Oh…
Ummmm. Marsh. Cunt.
According to t’internets, “Islamic law also made major contributions to international admiralty law”. There’s fuck-all mention of a right to travel, though.
the ‘rest’ is on the inside? So Mr Drifter thinks breasts are part of our genitals. This disregard of basic biology explains why he talks out of his arse.
This one had 555 recommendations. Probably from blokes who thought they might be able to watch.
Do we get bonus points for spotting 1984 references or is it too easy?
I’m not a big fan of not being a big fan of something that I understand the value of, although I fully understand the value of not being a big fan of something that I understand the value of. Think I should share that with everyone then go off on one about the police state we live in.
Well let’s just remember that if you do get on a plane and a terrorist blows it up, you do bear 5 to 10 percent of the responsibility for choosing to get on the plane in the first place.
That “Rapey Scan” machine sounds worse than I thought.
Sorry, that last comment came out lamer than I thought.
@ Kelvin, for fuck sake, don’t start that shit again…
He stole the idea from his ex after she sued him for the distress caused by seeing him naked. He tried countersuing her but
Piracy and plunder is licensed under Admiralty Law isn’t it? In any case, until I’m made to look a fool of I’m off to buy a peg leg from a man with a Parrot.
Yaaaarrrr!
* but Phil E. Drifter successfully defended her with the “empty window” argument.
Damn laptop mouse thingy.
Schroduck, isn’t that a javascript thing? [/nerd]
Sadly I don’t know these crazy languages of witchery of which you speak, DC. Hell, since they invented .NET, I can’t even understand Visual Basic any more. I’d say I feel ashamed, but I really, really don’t. Well, except for the fact that I accidentally made a computer programming joke.
Exemplary damages in the UK are only awarded in rare circumstances that meet strict criteria predetermined in common law. It’s highly unlikely that John Marsh would be granted leave to sue for such an extravagant sum, especially when the caveats for having exemplary damages considered are first that you have to be, beyond all doubt, “not of the likeness or similarity to a non-human female animal genital part” and second have to be “blessed of a sense of humour that is raised above thinking the world wants to read wanky self-righteous pseudo wit based on throwing a paddy in the middle of the airport and then indecently exposing yourself in the check in queue to prove an ethereal point that only you and David Icke could ever hope to understand.”
I’m paraphrasing, of course, but I do believe in the case of McDonald’s Restaurants v Morris & Steel the presiding judge did actually refer to Richard Rampton, QC as “a hairy gannet’s gash” when deciding that the sums claimed for actual damages were excessive and awarding a lower amount.
Can we blow into you and inflate you like a marigold glove as well?
Ooh! Ooh! I know this one!
Errmmmm.
Is it GG Allin?
You might have noticed the headline reads ‘MUSLIM WOMAN REFUSES AIRPORT SCANNER’.
Typical, not only is she refusing security checks but she’s also a bloody Muslim! Damn these people.
Can’t they just obey the laws a little bit better then most so reactionary newspaper story writers wouldn’t feel the need to shoehorn ‘MUSLIM’ into storys where the person’s religion isn’t relevant?
Anyhow, Phil E. Drifter laid down some home truths on her ass:
HA! You told her! Except it isn’t, obviously.
I’ve never thought about it before, but on consideration there’s no evidence to suggest that more pre-flight deep anal fisting wouldn’t lead to safer flights.
Remember kids, always clear your paste buffer between posting on Craigslist’s casual encounters board and posting on TimesOnline.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1255658/Geert-Wilders-arrives-Britain-major-gains-Dutch-polls.html#comments
Every wondered what it sounds like when a bunch of repressed racists try and kiss the arse of Angelface from fight club?
Go to reader’s comments and select ‘most recommended’.
Yes. Le Pen will save us all.
For fuck’s sake. Sometimes I just want to have about the heads of some people with a small ball-peen hammer.
I know you’re eager for the anal probe, but you’re not expected to bring your own.
Why fuck around with a small ball-peen, when a 3 lb lump will do the job so much better? Remember, the right tool for the job.
Fortunately we’ve passed legislation so they can’t say so in public, thereby preserving the principle forever.
Someone give Kadir-Buxton a ring will they? We need his opinions on airport security.
@DC Pirate Pete’s your man there.
I think that Phil E. Drifter is getting mixed up with his dolphin fantasies again.
Well, it might surprise you to know that he doesn’t think the terror threat has the same source as everyone else thinks:
He’s not happy about the way we gather intelligence:
The way to be seen as a democracy and civilisation is to batter mental patients around the head and forcibly fist pregnant women, of course.
He doesn’t seem to have any opinion on the Rapiscan though, probably because he didn’t invent it. You can tell he didn’t invent it because it doesn’t involve brutalising the person being scanned.
Is Phil actually Smithers, with only an initmate knowledge of Malibu Stacey on which to base his comment?
Either that or I’m a complete freak.. hmm, you know…’down below’.
Perhaps Phil should have visited a gallery showing Mona Hatoum’s Corps étranger.
And err Customs go in dry or.. etc.
@Ugeine
Cock-it, forgot to end the block-quote
Also, from that fount of all things nasty, squirty and evil …
Unlike the author of the story then, as the article is simply credited to ‘Daily Mail Reporter’.
You’ve got to admire the Daily Mail’s ability to whip up a good old-fashioned war-time frenzy though.
QUESTIONS?! God damn it Oliver, what kind of fucking paki-lover are you? I’m going to click my mouse so hard you’re gonna feel it over there in West Sussex. Christ. Can’t you see we’re in an indignant rage over here? This is no time for questions!
As brilliantly pointed out here some years ago
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Bs7EqlLiSs
I do love the name of the scanning machine – you’d think someone would have given it a bit more consideration.
I wonder whether you can order an optional anal probe attachment and a breast-fondling mechanism?
And DC if there is *any* piracy to be perpetrated around here, I’m first in the queue. You wouldn’t want to be on the end of my plank, believe me…
All the HYSers who are against the airport scanners obviously have something to hide.
Small penises I’ll wager.
Coat on thanks, to the pub!
Does anybody else get a genuinely physical feeling of hopelessness and despair in the bottom of their stomach everytime they read comments from BNP supporters? Explain that with your so-called “evolution” Mr Darwin.
You might be Pirate Pete, but I’m Captain FuckingAveItYouAmphibiansCloaca!
By the power vested in me by Admiralty Law, nobody shall cease (or notice) my reign of terror.
To be honest though, would you really want to put your professional standing on the line for a “Muzzie Ape Horror” story as part of Dacre’s “Muzzie Horror” fetish line of stories?
Sorry, that’s the “MUSLIMS ARE TAKING OVER BUT DON’T VOTE BNP” fetish line of stories. Not that I’ve checked, but just from reading the shit there’s a strong correlation between the shit that Melanie Phillips and Richard Littlejohn spunk out on a weekly basis and the stuff that Nick Griffin spunks out on a weekly basis.
Either that or it’s AP or Reuters or someone, and the Mail have an agreement with them that all content they thieve can be attributed to “Daily Mail reporter” because no-one at AP in their right mind would want to appear in the Mail.
Wire agreements usually allow reattribution, yeah.
Unlike Massive Propagating Bee Extinction LLP, (whose detailed legal opinion was both freshingly delicious and free of charge), I am not up-to-date with admiralty law nor the laws covering international aviation, but I prepared to wager that overtly demonstrating to airport staff that your only hand luggage is a pulsating, cheesy erection almost certainly constitutes an infingement of said laws and is therefore an impediment to boarding and may be subject to various laws regarding decency and terrorism.
Futher statements of the pointlessly obvious may follow as warranted in accordance with SYB legal code, section 4b, 6 and 9f, charged at the standard rate.
And adding pictures of Geert Wilders and very angry related mobs from Getty to suggest, by means of juxtaposition, that the real world outcomes of the story described in the text is indeed chaos in the streets and that the only possible solution to the issues presented is violence and demonstrations returned in kind, making the reader think his salvation is not only in the democratic process (note Wilders voting, very nice touch) but also that the enemies of Wilders don’t agree with the democratic process. It doesn’t take much for the commenters on the Mail website to cotton on to the extremist Muslims at the bottom of the page angry with freedom, despite the framing belying the fact that the demonstrators pictured probably don’t extend outside the frame of the photograph.
In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked, considering the dimensions of the photograph, if it turned out it had been cropped.
I like the fact that a lot of reporting has framed Wilders’ poll victory as a win, when in fact it was a limited poll and by all accounts he managed to win one local government seat and didn’t actually have the money to compete in more than two seats. It’s part of a panic/reassurance model, where the left are supposed to panic and the right be reassured that things are going their way. Of course, panic is a bit strong – they’re supposed to rally to the cause of beating fascism or something, so the more liberal media reports it as terrible while the right wing media reports it in the same way. They’re looking for different effects, but they both end up doing the same job.
I’d like to see how much the Mail pay for their exclusive wire reports, or rewrites, considering I know how much our group pays for attributed straight sources.
I got my cock out for airport security once. Did you know they have big magnifying glasses there? News to me.
This post’s been Kelvinated™!
It’s a profit/loss thing. Sure, they probably have to pay the wire services more for the ability to chop up the stories and reorder them into any swivel-eyed form they prefer, but how many copies would The Daily Mail sell if it limited itself to reporting reality? Six copies, exclusively to the family members of Viscount Rothermere.
The Rothermeres probably wouldn’t read it if it reprorted reality, after all great gran pa pa was none to fond of them furrins & fuzzy wuzzies neither. Although he did have a penchant for blackshirts.
What, you think the Rothermeres don’t need to light the barbecue?
Well, all right, you think they don’t need the staff to light the barbecue for them?
Such a thing would probably closely resemble Metro, which they also publish, and which people actually seem to like reading (although maybe not to the point of actually being prepared to pay for it). I guess that means that there is some minimal level of hope for newspaper reading humanity (the swivel eyed loonies on the Letters page excepted).
What I don’t understand about the Mail is why anybody reads it at all. All it is is made up shit that supports its agenda. What use is that to anybody, even people who support that agenda? I mean, I can make up my own shit that supports my prejudices and grudges for free:
Exclusive: Paul Dacre was reportedly admitted to an unnamed exclusive private Swiss hospital yesterday having accidentally trapped his famously tiny knob in his trouser zip. Close friends described the 71 year old dissembler as “writhing in fucking agony” but declined to comment on the circumstances in which he sustained the injury. Commentators have suggested that he may have been “surprised” in an “embarrassing situation” possibly involving a soggy, rolled up newspaper.
Now making stuff up is all good fun but it is also perfectly futile because it doesn’t do anything to really hurt Dacre’s knob (or make him 10 years older than he really is for that matter). I certainly wouldn’t pay money to read that sort of stuff.
Largely because it tells people that their fears are perfectly valid, and that the world has already gone to a place in Indiana, in a handbasket. Most people don’t like to be told that their uninformed beliefs are wrong – take, for example, religion, ghosts and psychics as examples of particularly ludicrous beliefs that people will defend to the hilt – so if it comes to a choice between a newspaper where they report the news, directly attribute the largely neutral wire services for the stories and leave the rabid wankery for the comments, or a newspaper where an editorial decision has been made to turn every single possible story into rabid wankery, shock and sensationalism that plays to fears of immigrunts crossing the borders but which also proposes a mainstream, non radical solution, then people would go for the Screws and the Mail.
Nearly two hundred years ago, William Hazlitt wrote On the Pleasure of Hating – but it could almost have been written yesterday. Choice quote: Pure good soon grows insipid, wants variety and spirit. Pain is a bitter-sweet, which never surfeits. Love turns, with a little indulgence, to indifference or disgust: hatred alone is immortal. It’s always seemed to me that this is the Mail’s niche. People love to hate: it’s a kind of drug, and the Mail is their dealer. When its readers refer to Nineteen Eighty-Four, you can picture then shouting the loudest during the “two minutes hate”, then leaving with a spring in their step.
Ahh – Hate.
Trying to find something to support an observation I heard earlier on Radio Four – does it get any more exciting than that? – I happened across a Telegraph comments page from October 2006 which drew me in like a bewitched mariner following the haunting strains of the Sirens, and led to me being cast up on this island of Hate without even a hint of Kirsty Young to offer me succour.
http://tinyurl.com/ybhjuba
It was good to see Michael Mouse excoriating the motherland (04:27 on Oct 26) from his expatriate haven:
(what’s left of Nu Labour – see what he did there?) but the one which really caught my eye was from The Dear Leader himself. I hadn’t realised he was quite so old, and was surprised at how much his opinions have veered to the right since those heady days.
Plus ca change…..
and then other television companies came along. Damn.
The thread is a fun little ten-minute read for people of a certain age.
Can’t see it myself.
That’s because you have such a sunny disposition and always see the good side of people, Kelvin. Like her in that Mike Leigh film.
Interesting how the most stupid people – like myself – are the ones who most value their own opinions. Also the most hated newspapers (the Daily mail) are the ones I worship and believe every fantastical word of.
The recommend button on HYS has been removed, but all the most monumental pricks complained about it, it remains off anyway. Again, only the most self-absorbed and idiotic of HYS addicts fail to understand why this improves the situation. Like me. Don’t forget, I tried to demonstrate my immense intellect by claiming to be a squirrel.
Lets hope the most hated political party in the UK becomes the most voted for (a distinct possibility) then we might get the most hated policies (which everyone wants) put in place. See? That’s how logic “works” for me and my idiot brain. Everyone wants the most hated policies. That’s how democracy works: Everyone else hates a policy but I like it, so it happens.
We might even get rid of the smoking ban which everyone wants that leaves 90% of the typical public house population not getting cancer because some people who think their personal freedoms preclude any sense of social responsibility are forced to go and smoke somewhere else, boo-hoo, boo-hoo-hoo, the poor defenceless smokers.
Democracy is a strange creature. And so am I. And when you combine the two you get a weird squirrel-illogic-penis-shitpants omelette.
- Kelvinated™ for its own good -
You how Oscar Wilde would remove a comma from one of his poems in the morning only to put it back again in the afternoon? Here fantazamaraz provides us with a valuable glimpse into the poet’s workshop:
Tim, for all your whinging about HYS changing, I do notice you only have two posts there, and they’re the same regurgitated nu-liebore hur hur bullshit that you could read a thousand times in a thread before reaching your peculiar grammatical arrangement of the exact same words. Is the reason you’re so upset about the change that you have a much harder time working out which secondhand opinions you should be adopting now?
And no, before anyone asks, I’m not going to link to his profile because Tim is imaginative enough to have used his real name for it, and I still have this awful feeling that one of these days one of you nerds with too much access to Google and too weak a grasp of societal norms is going to be arrested in the bushes outside Catherine Oliver’s house.
Just for the record, I’ve posted an apology for that, on the original thread.
Kelvin – if you Kelvinate(TM) Tim’s posts, 1. you’re denying his right to free speech on a private blog, and 2. latecomers can’t appreciate your Kelvination(TM)(R) because we can’t see the original. Um? (And if you Kelvinate(TM)(R)(C) this, I’ll, um, go back to lurking. Now there’s a threat!!)
Just wanted to post using my hilarious new nickname.
Well that’s a very important point and I’d like to address it by laughing very hard at it. Check the actual formulation of the right of expression (hint: it’s covered by Article 10 of the European Convention on Human Rights) and come back when you understand why he doesn’t have any rights here.
Here’s a tip: If you want to read what Tim actually wrote, there are two options. First, assume that he wrote all the self-contradictory, idiot-brained, Cameron-rimming bits and I just added in the bits that point out what a swivel-eyed hypocrite he is. Second, go and pick a random comment from a recent HYS thread. Tim hasn’t had an original thought since 1993, and that was “hey, I’m popular and good at sex with ladies.”
Proof positive that he’s talking a load of billiards.
I was being ironic. Did my irony not come through? Genuinely curious.
It really didn’t. You should get that looked at.
Oh, come on that’s not fair – I still use Yahoo for that….
… which probably explains why I’ve not had much success as yet, oh, well the thrill is in the chase …
Pedantic admin issue – isn’t it time you changed this:
yet?
I’m sat up feeding my infant son and have nothing better to do (at least, nothing that doesn’t involve going back to sleep. So I thought I’d have a look at HYS to see if I could find any material for SYB.
I found the Oscars thread. Jesus fucking wept. “Who would you give an Oscar to?” asked the moderators, as if they didn’t know what was coming.
Sure enough…
And answers should relate to the question being asked. Is he like this at home, I wonder? “What would you like for tea tonight?” “Like? I’d LIKE Tony Blair to be strung up for war crimes! Not that this will get past the moderators!” “OK dear, are we going out tomorrow?” “Out? OUT? Gordon McClown should be the one going OUT – of number 10!!!!!”
Difficult to achieve – maybe one for your second term in office as Person In Charge Of Everything, Everywhere, Even Things That Aren’t The Responsibility Of Governments.
What’s the Dalai Lama done?
Yeah, bloody anti-Nazi propaganda. Christ, you begin ONE LITTLE PROGRAMME of systematically eradicating an ethnic group from the face of the planet, and what do you get?
…and…
Yawn.
Can a film belong to an ethnic group?
SHUT UP ABOUT EXPENSES SHUT UP ABOUT EXPENSES SHUT UP ABOUT EXPENSES SHUT UP ABOUT EXPENSES SHUT UP ABOUT EXPENSES SHUT UP ABOUT EXPENSES
Worth including because, when he was compiling his ‘jist list’, he couldn’t be bothered to find out Didier Drogba’s first name.
Shit. Brackets fail, in the first line. Bollocks.
Have Your Lurk, a JCB would be quicker, but sadly no less painful.
But to be fair, it does have the Garfield cartoon in it every day.
Maybe he thinks he’s one of them single name jobbies, like Ronaldo or Ronaldo or Ronaldo.
Foreign. Not Christian. Dresses funny. Pacifist. Consistently follows his own political and moral agenda which does not fall neatly into either the “pro western” or “anti western” camps and hence confuses and annoys simple minded twats on the internet. Declines to acknowledge incoherent abuse from twats on the internet. A harmless target for impotent abuse who is a long way away and not going to retaliate in any way.
Its a bit like picking on Quakers with a bit of added racism thrown in.
We were briefly on the subject of press impartiality, but no-one mentioned Media Lens.
So I did.
From Wikipedia:
Yeah, what a loser!
Believe.
Hang on. Is Lyndon Newton suggesting that the winner of the best picture Oscar is decided by the US Census Bureau?
Daily Mail in sensible article shocker!
Comments don’t seem to be on though. I am very confused – the world’s gone mad.
Kelvin: Done, and thanks. And on your advice I’ve put the cat o’ nine tails back in its velvet bag. I was sort of beginning to enjoy the flagellation, actually. Being flamed by people who can read and write and do joined-up thinking gives one a certain vrizzon.
- Kelvnote™: HYL is talking about some cleanup I did to one of his posts that was in the wrong thread, and some advice I gave him to STOP FUCKING APOLOGISING ALL THE TIME. -
If I wore a hat (of the tin foil variety or not) I would being doffing it to Webby for that find. Rather than hitting the screen, my carbonated beverage is slowly but steadily dripping from the corner of my mouth as it hangs agape.
You know who I think should have won an oscar? Eh? Eh? I know a person who’s really good at “acting” and should have won an oscar because of it. Always acting, this person is, always playing a part. Wanna know who it is?
Carey Mulligan. She was really good in that film and in my opinion better even than Sandra Bullock. But of course the Academy is entitled to its opinion.
Sorry for apologising all the time, folks.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/science/living/article7045765.ece
there’s some top class efforts in this one. gays, layabouts, students and actors after a fiver – everyone gets in the lifeboat before me. But thanks to Gertrude Steinem I can assert my right to be a giant pussy and trample on children on the way.
ffs – was there an upper IQ limit on those allowed to comment on that item – perhaps in the low 80s?
Not that many comments, but a fine gathering as you suggest, mr ed.
Anyone going to mass at a rock concert deserves what they get, IMHO.