Mr. Thompson, Ms. Tranter, nice to see you both again. Now I know Susman: Epidemiologist hasn’t had exactly the figures you were hoping for, but frankly I think it’s done better than any other programme in the 4:55am slot on BBC Cymru. Apart from the ones in Welsh.
But yes, I completely agree we need to kick things up a notch for the second series. So I’ve been working up some ideas for the new series with my writing partner Ed. Now, think about it: where would Morse be without his Lewis? Bodie without his Doyle? Tosh Lynes without his bottle of whisky in a brown paper bag? Taggart without his coffin? So I propose to give susman a crime-fighting partner all of his own. Let me show you a sample scene:
DAY. EXT. The courtyard of a large church.
susman: So here we are. My old nemesis, The Catholic Church. I've tried to reason with them, but they have bats... in the belfry. If I'm right.
Andy Kadir-Buxton: The last time the Catholic Church gave us a statstic, it was that 50,000 priests were pedophiles. If the ratio is the same in monks and nuns then there are four pedophiles per Church, and I would not send my child in with those odds. I informed INTERPOL that the Catholic Church hid it's pedophiles from the law by giving them a good written reference and dumped them on other Denomination Churches, as a result 40 pedophiles were brought to justice. The official Catholic Church response in the news headlines was: "We have been betrayed." And I thought that they would thank me for saving so many choir boys from a living Hell.
As the Pope has now endorsed the vow of celibacy he has effectively admitted that he is not bothered by pedophiles.
susman: You know, when those stuffed-shirt bootlickers upstairs at Epidemiology Squad said I needed a partner because I was too much of a loose cannon even though dammit I get results, I almost told them to take my badge and very small gun (for viruses). But you've shown me the error of my ways, Andy. Now I know we can beat the scourge of paedophilia... together.
Andy Kadir-Buxton: Yes! Using the Buxton Handclap Method! Now, I've filled my super soaker with lemonade. Bags I deal with the nuns!
Now, I know you haven’t greenlit the second series yet, but I think with such a powerful format reboot we could easily be looking at viewing figures on a par with Horne & Corden. I know four insomniacs in Swansea who are very excited at the prospect.
34 Responses to “The Difficult Second Series”
Ok, ok, how about this. Child dons electrically insulating neoprene suit, then chainmail. Chainmail attached to mains by wire. Child sent in to run a few laps of the church, clinking and fizzing as he goes. As paedos reach out to grab him on the way past, they are shocked and fall convulsing to the floor for collection at a later date.
Once the four paedos have succumbed to the bait, child can be stripped of electro-mail and returned to the boot of the car.
Copyrighted, trademarked and patented, 2010 Rimsbwane
I like your plan, Rimsbwane, but using the Kadir-Buxton resistance calculation method I have deduced that the length of electrical cable required to lap the perimeter of the average church several times would breach the Kadir-Buxton Electromagnetic Threshold. Once this happens the unexpected magnetic effects could lead to untold trouble – spontaneous generation of more paedophiles, spontaneous childbirth by pregnant mothers (without need of recourse to the Buxton Handclap Method) and suddenly you have newborns being launched vaginally into a paedo-rich environment. That’s the Kadir-Buxton Recipe For Disaster in my book.
However, if we were to surround the church with a head-height electrified grid similar to the ones used on a common fairground Dodgem Cars ride and connect the child to that… let’s just say you and me have a meeting at Interpol this Thursday.
Nice little insight into the Kadir-Buxster here. I imagine the whole process went like this:
1. Andy Kadir-Buxton reads about story in news.
2. Andy Kadir-Buxton is concerned.
3. Andy Kadir-Buxton informs Interpol.
4. Interpol now know about story.
5. Interpol act on their knowledge of story.
6. Andy Kadir-Buxton feels smug.
After the Haiti earthquake hit, he’d rung up the DEC to tell them within just hours of it making the news.
Get 4 treadmills, adapted to be generators.
Place priest on treadmill and small child tantalisingly just out of reach.
Priest runs towards child but stays in place while generating electricity.
The electricity can either be used to feed the National Grid, as a source of “green” power, or to electrocute the Pope.
Andy’s got a kid?
I think we can adapt Alex’s line of reasoning here.
1. Andy Kadir-Buxton touches a lady in the private area.
2. Andy Kadir-Buxton is excited.
3. Andy Kadir-Buxton’s super-intelligent genetic material could not fail to get the lady pregnant.
4. The now-obviously-pregnant Lady, knowing she has done her part for the advancement of the human race concentrates all her energies on the child growing within her, which explains why she never contacts Andy Kadir-Buxton again.
5. Lady gives birth to child, who is now well on the way to graduating top of the class in Big Science at Cambridge, after which he will be a great scientist-statesman and solve all the world’s problems using Kadir-Buxton methodology.
6. Andy Kadir-Buxton feels smug.
Make that five insomniacs in Swansea.
Kelvin
Your plan may indeed work, however I fear that in doing so you may inadvertently open the path for AKB to claim that he’s beaten CERN & the LHC to discovering the existence of the Higgs Bosun via his patented Kadir-Buxton method.
I think pretty much all of Andy’s actions can be generalised as
1. Andy Kadir-Buxton handclaps.
…
N. Andy Kadir-Buxton feels smug.
That’s the beauty of the Kadir-Buxton handclap.
Facebook would suggest that the now-obviously-pregnant woman did not leave our Andy and is a strong supporter of the Kadir-Buxton methods…
Shit. If there is a woman out there on whom the chat up line “hey baby let me shove my fist up your badangawanga and tickle your cervix till it dilates” actually works, then I owe Nelson a tenner.
But of course. I think you’ll find that the big bang was the result of the very first Kadir-Buxton Handclap.
Reminds me of that Christian group “Tools For Jesus” I encountered a few years back
From extensive reading of the Kadir-Buxon website, it hasn’t escaped my attention that Andy is a modern day Prometheus. He has stolen the secrets of the Gods and it attempting to bestow this knowledge upon humankind for our benefit. Unfortunately, the secrets he stole were of the fairly useless and ridiculous variety. If only he had stolen the recipie for cheese and pineapple on a cocktail stick (before Judith Hann did) or something remotely useful or believeable, he would be viewed as a saviour rather than a twat.
Does anybody know if AKB has managed to find his way to this site yet? I’d completely forgotten about his website until a couple of weeks ago, had a quick reminder peek and lo and behold, self obsessed raw-lunacy ready and waiting. I would love it if he stumbled across this site and the assocaited spot-on commentary for his ‘fallopian hand-clap’, or whatever the hell he calls it. This of course would be purely for my own selfish car-crash entertainment. (Much in the way I used to feel about the latest TB craziness from goodaftermorning…)
@Kelvin – Badangawanga? I hope you’re going to shell out to get my laptop screen fixed now you’ve made me splurt* peppermint tea all over it.
*From my mouth, sadly – I haven’t been Kadir-Buxtonned yet.
Back when I were a schoolboy, the Catholic Church that adjoined our school just had one priest working there, no-one else. Does that mean he was some sort of super-quadruple paedophile?
Quadruples are quite rare. He was probably just a triple.
It all averages out. A small parish church, sure, maybe there’s only one paedo there. But then you go to a monastery with 500 monks, there’s so many paedos in such a concentrated space that they exude a powerful molestation field that can destroy a child’s innocence at a range of 500 metres.
I deal with the subject extensively in S02E04 of Susman: Epidemiologist, The Field of Furtiveness. Guest starring Su Pollard as Sinister Sister Sarsons (you would not believe how cheap you can get her these days).
I hope Andy KB does discover us, because it will lend greater credibility to Nelson’s invitation to him and his delightful Thai bride to be the guests of honour at our first non-virtual SYB soiree – an event I’m eagerly awaiting.
I’ll take responsibility for bringing along the lemonade and the lesbians if that’s
alright with everyone else?
If you type Kadir-Buxton into Google it offers you “method” and “near-zero co2 plan” as autofinishes. He’s clearly more important than we know. Perhaps he really is with Interpol and that.
Do you think he knows about his Facebook appreciation society too?
I hope so, because then he might find all those awesome wall posts I’ve left about him, and send me a personal message inviting me into the innner circle of his ideas. I’ve already spent an entire lifetime sending my own ideas for things that no-one has ever thought of directly to the government – because the patent office would steal them – but don’t have any reply. I figure that they’re either not reaching the right person or someone in the civil service is stealing these highly original ideas. When you see the Patented Dizzy Egg Auto Robotic Anal Catheter – designed to cut down on time spent giving patients bedbaths – then you’ll know either I’ve made it or Alastair Darling has stolen my thunder. AGAIN.
Yes. Badangawanga. Now that’s a term you won’t find plastered up on ads all over the London Underground. But then as a working white GREAT BRITISH male I suppose it shouldn’t come as any surprise that my voice is silenced yet again. First HYS take away the recommend button, next thing you know your favourite euphemism for a lady’s honolulu is excluded from billboards for no adequately explainable reason.
@Kelvin – I have now visited loveyourvagina.com and entered ‘badangawanga’ as a term for a laydee’s noonoo, on the behalf of SYB. It might be my last chance to publicly share daft words for genitalia before Gormless Clown’s ZanuLiarBore introduce Sharia Law and have my hands chopped off for looking at a balloon or something. You couldn’t make it up!
Can we have a link to the AKB fan page on Facecrack? Cos I’ve searched for his name and it comes up with ‘no result’.
Google knows all: Andrew Kadir-Buxton Appreciation Society.
Shit, I had this line in my notes and I forgot to use it:
Priests love to pray… but children shouldn’t be preyed upon! If I’m right.
Ta Kelvin and I’ve just realised why my searches have come to naught – I’ve been searching for ADAM Kadir-Buxton. Too much watching of old Adam & Joe clips on youtube (methinks). Joey Deacon faces are on me!
Churches have massive organs… but the priests should put their organs away! If I’m right.
It’ll take a stronger man than I to make a one-liner about the Virgin Mary work though.
Priests learn their trade in seminaries… but they should learn not to put their semen in the kids! If I’m right.
Monks love to wear habits, but that doesn’t mean they should hab it with kids. Furthermore, Roman Catholicism dictates that its followers should offer prayers and devotions to the Virgin Mary and to the saints in addition to the members of the Holy Trinity, but that’s no reason to dick-taint the younger members of the community before their time.
Am I doing it right?
Well, if it helps, Mary would have been a virgin if she’d have been in the choir, because priests are exclusively pederasts or something.
I know I’m not doing it right.
Just to piss on your chips, everything on Radio Cymru is in Welsh. Hence the name. Radio Wales would be the English language one. Meh.
A radio adaptation. That’s not a bad idea. But let’s get the second series on people’s TV sets before we start thinking of spinoffs.