Permanently Bewildered25 Mar 2010 09:12 am

It’s An Actual Jungle Out There

By Dizzy

Lardies and Gentlemongs, please give a massive SYB welcome to Dizzy. He’s joined the staff here and will be helping us meet your insatiable demand for awful, depressing bollocks.
- Nelson

How can we reduce reoffending?

Well, aside from the predictable suggestions of hanging, lethal injection or putting criminals in giant versions of Pontins where they’re forced to sing about being Ovaltineys at the end of every fun-packed day being raped in the shower, infinity has taken time out from providing expert opinion on climate change and fish, and comes up with a couple of novel suggestions:

What we need is some sort of island or perhaps an abandoned city to put all the criminals in and then the law authorities can just defend the border to stop them getting out.

Also we need an actual law of the jungle.
infinity

I agree with you on the actual law of the jungle, because I know for a fact that George had severe trouble adapting to civilised society, so clearly some kind of codification is required if we’re going to have this kind of migration as government policy. But a big island full of criminals just wouldn’t work. Kurt Russell would just help everyone escape again, and last time that happened, they made Escape From L.A.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have Ovaltine and rape.

63 Responses to “It’s An Actual Jungle Out There”

  1. on 25 Mar 2010 at 9:47 am   random punter

    I lke the island idea. We could get that nice Mr Mandela to come and preside at the official ribbon-tying ceremony when we re-designate the Isle of Wight.

    And all the sex offenders could be put on Love Island, and we could set up cctv everywhere and broadcast continually, like that Truman Show.

    The Amerriguns could use that Staten Island place, and not let anybody off until they’d tidied the place up.

    And the Africans could use Madagascar, and employ all those Somali Pirates to keep anyone from escaping until they’d finished eating the tortoises.

    And the Cambodians could use the lost city of Angkor, which has already got a built-in jungle.

    I’ll fuck off now – I need to copyright some of these ideas before infinity gets on the case.

  2. on 25 Mar 2010 at 9:49 am   Emily

    Sometimes I wonder how I keep from going under.

  3. on 25 Mar 2010 at 9:56 am   Theodore

    Infinity does have a point. The French penal colonies were a fantastic success. They would ship their criminals off to South America where they would enjoy the tropical climate and eye-watering amounts of sodomy. It must have been like a cross between the Mardi Gras and a Club 18-30 holiday (methinks).

  4. on 25 Mar 2010 at 10:01 am   Dizzy

    Hehe. Penal. Hehe.

  5. on 25 Mar 2010 at 10:15 am   Roeby

    What makes me grin/slap my forehead most is when cretins like this suggest ideas that have already been implemented (ahem, how about using Australia?), or better, made into films many, many times over.

    Blatantly, Infinity has watched Escape from New York, forgotten about it (lucky him), then had a mind blowing ‘original’ revelation which he feels he just HAS to share with the world. Lucky us.

  6. on 25 Mar 2010 at 10:18 am   Jones

    Perhaps we could designate an island for the HYS fraternity (those who haven’t emigrated already). It’s guaranteed that the place will end up like No Escape except there’ll be no Ray Liotta to shake things up. Maybe we can give them Sting?

  7. on 25 Mar 2010 at 10:19 am   Roeby

    And besides, doesn’t infinity realise that the law of the jungle is invariably ignored by criminals due to them all being cheetahs.

    The denim batwing please….

  8. on 25 Mar 2010 at 10:26 am   Dizzy

    Jones

    Perhaps we could designate an island for the HYS fraternity (those who haven’t emigrated already). It’s guaranteed that the place will end up like No Escape except there’ll be no Ray Liotta to shake things up. Maybe we can give them Sting?

    I’ve been eagerly monitoring the thread for someone to suggest a life-or-death gameshow where criminals are chased down like dogs in the ruins of the old city under London. No joy yet, but if you go to the thread and search for “games” or “cushy”, then you’ll get a good sample of the level of rabid wankery they descend to when they try and understand the penal system, and exactly why they can only talk in terms of pop culture and tossy anecdotes picked up from the Daily Cunting Mail.

  9. on 25 Mar 2010 at 10:40 am   Theodore

    I don’t suppose anyone from the HYS asylum replied to infinity with something along the lines of: “We have already put all of the criminals on an island – it’s called Britain” – with some reference to asylum seekers. That would be pure HYS gold.

  10. on 25 Mar 2010 at 10:47 am   Oaf

    I lke the island idea. We could get that nice Mr Mandela to come and preside at the official ribbon-tying ceremony when we re-designate the Isle of Wight.

    That’s where I live. What do you want to re-designate it as? It already has three prisons on it!

    Perhaps a fourth prison for immigrant leftist marxist communist nu-labour nazi extremist paedophile terrorists.

  11. on 25 Mar 2010 at 10:48 am   Oaf

    Sorry. Forgot to include asylum seekers.

  12. on 25 Mar 2010 at 10:56 am   SoulBoy

    Fortunately your average HYSer has the same attitude as chelsea when it comes to foreign films so hopefully there will be no call to stick feral youths on an island, give them a weapon each and inform them that only one of them is leaving alive…

    …until the *shudder* American remake of Battle Royale gets out of development.

  13. on 25 Mar 2010 at 10:58 am   Theodore

    All right…which one of you posted this – it was only 5 or 6 below the post by infinity.

    416. At 6:06pm on 10 Mar 2010, peter wrote:
    The birch has a nice feel about it methinks.

    It could not possibly be a genuine post.

  14. on 25 Mar 2010 at 10:58 am   Theodore

    Me-fucking-thinks.

  15. on 25 Mar 2010 at 11:03 am   Theodore

    A couple of minutes research has proved me wrong. Peter also has used QED at the end of one of his posts.
    He also has a fondness for exclamation marks.
    Cunt.

  16. on 25 Mar 2010 at 11:04 am   Bramswyine

    I’m a little uncertain about jungle law. Who enforces it? What happens to people who break it? How do you deal with guerillas? Perhaps you need a fenced-off area within the jungle where all the criminals go. Then the monkey policemen only need to defend the borders.

  17. on 25 Mar 2010 at 11:11 am   Cab Grunter

    Monkey fucking policemen? Now you’re just being shit.

  18. on 25 Mar 2010 at 11:12 am   Cab Grunter

    Hmm, you could read that in a variety of ways…

  19. on 25 Mar 2010 at 11:14 am   SoulBoy

    Isn’t Jungle a tad racist? Shouldn’t it be the Law of the Drum & Bass? I’d place enforcement in the hands of Goldie, he looks like he could look after himself

  20. on 25 Mar 2010 at 11:15 am   Rimsbwane

    Now you’re unjust, being shit.

  21. on 25 Mar 2010 at 11:17 am   Mooska

    I can see ‘infinity’ as the Jungle VIP.

    Also, rape jokes are pretty much the definition of awful, depressing bollocks.

  22. on 25 Mar 2010 at 11:36 am   R

    Simply remove the leading ‘r’ to form a topical and less-offensive alternative.

  23. on 25 Mar 2010 at 11:49 am   Cab Grunter

    I’d rather have Ovaltine and ape. I think that was a Boosh ep.

  24. on 25 Mar 2010 at 11:58 am   Kelvin

    I’d place enforcement in the hands of Goldie, he looks like he could look after himself

    True story: I once had a piss next to Goldie, and later he threatened to burn my office down.

  25. on 25 Mar 2010 at 12:26 pm   Roeby

    @ Kelvin

    Were these two acts in any way related?

  26. on 25 Mar 2010 at 12:26 pm   Emily

    Did you get some on his shoes?

  27. on 25 Mar 2010 at 12:28 pm   Roeby

    Or did a quick glance linger a little too long for his liking?

  28. on 25 Mar 2010 at 12:30 pm   christonabike

    Apologies for imminent offtopicry, but I think we need to keep an eye on Khalid here

    http://blogs.news.sky.com/cityblog/Post:efea30c7-4db8-4e59-ae65-efe43276ca1c

  29. on 25 Mar 2010 at 12:34 pm   Bob

    Dude, Escape From LA was great.

  30. on 25 Mar 2010 at 12:38 pm   Kelvin

    I’ve checked my legal advice and I can’t say any more about the Goldie incident, other than, he doesn’t like it when you ask him to do things.

  31. on 25 Mar 2010 at 12:38 pm   SoulBoy

    Is he leaving coded messages for the Chancellor of the Exchequer through the medium of early 21st century commercial dance?

  32. on 25 Mar 2010 at 12:49 pm   Bad Mammy

    actual law of the jungle

    Is it just me who is hearing this in Scott Mills’s voice?

  33. on 25 Mar 2010 at 12:50 pm   Dizzy

    Bob

    Dude, Escape From LA was great.

    Yes, that fifteen year wait to see Snake Plisskin surf John Carpenter into the shallow grave of mediocrity he currently resides in was well worth it.

    You’d almost think Steve Buscemi didn’t do that movie just to pay off his apartment. It’s that good.

  34. on 25 Mar 2010 at 1:16 pm   Oaf

    33. At 07:46am on 10 Mar 2010, ThoughtsRThings wrote:

    Bring back capital punishment, deportation and the stocks.

    There we go. It was just a matter of time.

  35. on 25 Mar 2010 at 1:49 pm   Cab Grunter

    Bring back capital punishment, deportation and the stocks.

    So what, we’re going to hang them, send them overseas in a box and then turn them into Bisto? What a coconut.

  36. on 25 Mar 2010 at 1:50 pm   Cab Grunter

    And by “coconut” I’d obviously just spelt cunt wrong.

  37. on 25 Mar 2010 at 2:06 pm   Ugeine

    I’ve been brainstorming infinity’s thesis and I think I’ve developed the idea a certain amount.

    The thing is, see, that a city or an island would be too easy to escape from, but I certainly like the idea of keeping criminals all cooped up in the same place, out of the way of society.

    How about, instead of an island, we build some kind of special building where they couldn’t escape from? It could be completely secure and we could pay these people to watch the criminals to make sure they don’t escape (some kind of ‘guard’ if you will).

    We could keep them all in there, and we could even say that the harsher a crime you commit the longer you’d spend in this building.

    Now all I need is a name. I was thinking about using the old french for ‘cage,’ I would name it a ‘gaiole’. Or, howabout, since we take the criminals from their homes to this building, we could name it after the old french verb for ‘to take’? We could maybe call it a ‘prisoun’?

    Aazingly, I contacted the UN about this idea back in 2004 and to my suprise they never got back to me.

  38. on 25 Mar 2010 at 2:16 pm   Roeby

    @ Ugeine

    I contacted the UN about this idea back in 2004 and to my suprise they never got back to me.

    That’s because Andy K-B will have suggested it in ’92. Duh.

  39. on 25 Mar 2010 at 2:16 pm   Roeby

    Woah, what the fuck happened there…?

  40. on 25 Mar 2010 at 2:19 pm   [NutterBrackets]

    Infinity on politics:

    25. At 12:24pm on 25 Mar 2010, infinity wrote:
    “but I wouldn’t expect you or your brethern to know what socialism means.”

    socialism means stealing money from people who work and giving it to people who cannot be bothered to work. imho

    What a pig ignorant cunt. imho

  41. on 25 Mar 2010 at 2:22 pm   MGJ

    Amazingly none of these tedious morons ever take a second to look at any of the stats in relation to crime. Take murder for example, highest punishment, biggest chance of getting caught (99%) and yet the only thing reducing the murder rate is good hospital care (turns it into attempted murder instead).

  42. on 25 Mar 2010 at 2:52 pm   Kelvin

    Well, that’s depressing. You make it sound like the average HYS poster does no research at all and bases their ideas off simple knee-jerk reactions inflamed by simplistic black-and-white morality of the tabloid press.

  43. on 25 Mar 2010 at 3:29 pm   Bimswrane

    I’m surprised that no-one’s mentioned this yet, but infinity has lifted his proposal almost directly from Johnny English.

  44. on 25 Mar 2010 at 3:42 pm   rtas

    thats a pretty stunning debut – fair play, ya cunt!!!

  45. on 25 Mar 2010 at 3:53 pm   Bob

    I still maintain Escape From LA was a great movie.

  46. on 25 Mar 2010 at 3:54 pm   Marx & Sparx

    Infinity lacks any real imagination, I mean come on what about cyrogenic freezing? However this too could be surpassed far more efectively by use of the patented Khadir Buxton method of suspended animation.

    Naturally this involves making a fist of both hands, and striking both ears of the prisoner at exactly the same time, thus rendering them unconscious & in a permenant state of suspended animation until such time as they are ready to be revived.

    Revival of the prisoner to full conciousness is achived by cupping the prisoners nads in the palm of ones hands, encircling them with fingers & administrating a sharp downwards tug

  47. on 25 Mar 2010 at 4:08 pm   Marx & Sparx

    Fuck!
    Achived, past tense, root achive: The process by which one adds green green shoot like herbs to salads, sauces & sandwiches. Eg: “Waiter could you please achive my cheese sandwich”.

  48. on 25 Mar 2010 at 5:15 pm   Shackleton

    I’d prefer ‘bechive’, e.g. “Waiter, is your watercress soup bechived?”

  49. on 25 Mar 2010 at 5:58 pm   Loumo

    If we have an actual law of the jungle, can we make it “no fat chicks” please?

  50. on 25 Mar 2010 at 5:59 pm   Kelvin

    I thought a bechive was a hairstyle involving green dye and lots of gel.

  51. on 25 Mar 2010 at 6:18 pm   Ed aka Lurkshire Bubble-Hunt

    I thought it was “you do not talk about the jungle”.

    Thanks, it’s the one with the large hood to cover my beehive.

  52. on 25 Mar 2010 at 6:32 pm   pigfrottage

    You couldn’t make it up. Someone has tried to claim that an increase in the rate of STDs is caused by Facebook. Quick, throw out your PC and hide under your tinfoil hat.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/facebook/7508945/Facebook-linked-to-rise-in-syphilis.html

    PWNED by Facebook.

  53. on 25 Mar 2010 at 6:49 pm   That Bloke in the corner

    From that spurious facebook twatness

    “Social networking sites are making it easier for people to meet up for casual sex.”

    Absolute cack, the only people I seem to get are Paedos and lorry drivers from Huddersfield with huge beards pretending to be Tiffany, the 22 yr old sex siren, still any port in a storm and all that….

  54. on 25 Mar 2010 at 7:20 pm   Dizzy

    pigfrottage

    You couldn’t make it up. Someone has tried to claim that an increase in the rate of STDs is caused by Facebook. Quick, throw out your PC and hide under your tinfoil hat.

    On the contrary, they did make it up. Not entirely, but 99% bullshit is still bullshit. I mean, I wouldn’t dare suggest that the largest media organisations in the world are making shit up on a regular basis to get people to go to their fucking website or buy their fucking newspapers, but the shocking reality is that the largest media organisations in the world are actually making shit up on a regular basis to get people to go to their fucking website or buy their fucking newspapers.

    I’m on Facebook all fucking day. Never got so much as a pubic louse.

  55. on 25 Mar 2010 at 7:24 pm   Any Rand will do

    Also we need an actual law of the jungle.
    infinity

    Helpfully Kipling set out the complete Law of the Jungle in The Second Jungle Book. It starts as follows:

    Wash daily from nose-tip to tail-tip; drink deeply, but never too deep; And remember the night is for hunting, and forget not the day is for sleep.

    I suppose a bath and a good day’s sleep might reduce reoffending, but possibly not in the vindictive way infinity has in mind.
    It goes on to say

    Keep peace with the Lords of the Jungle — the Tiger, the Panther, the Bear; And trouble not Hathi the Silent, and mock not the Boar in his lair.

    Again, a bit more moderate than might have been expected – I mean, Hathi the silent sounds a bit, well, Moslem. And then there’s:

    When Pack meets with Pack in the Jungle, and neither will go from the trail, Lie down till the leaders have spoken — it may be fair words shall prevail.

    Hardly sentiments that would appeal to typical readers of the Daily Mail.

    Law of the Jungle? A load of liberal PC bollocks, methinks.

  56. on 25 Mar 2010 at 7:35 pm   Cab Grunter

    The Facebook/STDs thing is currenty being hunted down by Ben Goldacre on his Twitter feed. Turns out the NHS Trust responsible for the press release is refusing to release the raw data because it’ll make them look like idiots.

    Sorry, bit serious there.

    If there’s a Law of the Jungle it should be administered by Arnie “Run – get to the choppeur!!” Arnoldstacks as one of the only people ever released under paragraph 3, section d).

  57. on 25 Mar 2010 at 9:55 pm   Pirate Pete

    I got crabs last week – Facebook could have been responsible as I had used it that day, but there were about 15 other plausible sources if memory serves…

  58. on 25 Mar 2010 at 9:57 pm   Pirate Pete

    Oh, and I think Khalid might be an alien whose universal translator has gone a bit wonky – in fact that name looks suspiciously familiar…

  59. on 25 Mar 2010 at 11:33 pm   pigfrottage via Facebook

    One example: “I’m no expert but I am sure unprotected sex causes syphilis, not Facebook. Are you sure this man’s a real professor” – Jimberly

    LOL

  60. on 25 Mar 2010 at 11:46 pm   pigfrottage via Facebook

    http://www.dailyshame.co.uk/2010/03/syphilis-linked-to-worrying-rise-in-facebook-usage/

  61. on 26 Mar 2010 at 1:40 pm   john Adair's Gerbil

    If we had an actual law of the jungle, then people could go rounf to infinity’s house and nick his stuff, but only if they’re tigers.

  62. on 26 Mar 2010 at 7:46 pm   Ashley Highfield's disease-raddled bellend

    [quote]Sometimes I wonder how I keep from going under.[/quote]

    Grandmaster Flash, everybody knows, he leaves a trail of tax cuts wherever he goes…

  63. on 26 Mar 2010 at 7:46 pm   Ashley Highfield's disease-raddled bellend

    Oh bolleaux and Internet fail, that’s not how you quote :(