A great big dose of Thankceptin to Kathryn for finding surgeon-professor Doctor Douglas Grenfell Ph.D (fellow of the Tit Doctors Institute) in one of TimesOnline’s ongoing series of misapplications of niche oncological research results. Apparently, today pregnancy causes prevents cancer.
This all sounds fine, as long as the females concerned take precautions, ie do allow their breasts to develop milk, not take a pill to stop the milk developing. Also the biggest cause of breast cancer is the males who are too aggresive when handling a female breast, squeezing too hard and also pulling on the tissue, all cause damage to the insides of the breast which does develop into cancer. Thye huge amount of toxins ingested by everybody every day in food encourages cancers and should be reduced, also excessive slimming does not help either. It is about time Cancer UK etc openly promoted prevention rather than spend all the money they raise solely on cures.
Douglas Grenfell
I have a few suggestions for ways Cancer UK etc can promote prevention:
The “Gentle Gauntlet” is a steel glove which the man wears during any contact with the bristol. Small actuators in the knuckle joints detect when the amount of pressure being applied to the boozoomier borders on the dangerous cancer-causing range (or the “death squeeze” as we nork researchers prefer to call it) and won’t allow the fingers to grasp the Daily Mail Gossip Columnist any tighter, thereby protecting the precious puppy’s nose.
The “Milkcebo” is a pill designed to mimic the many, many lactation prevention products on the market. Obviously in such a crowded marketplace the Milkcebo will need heavy promotion to compete with the many other milk suppression products which do exist. However the difference is, the Milkcebo actually doubles the amount of milk production in the pink trifle, producing enough for accredited funbag expert Douglas Grenfell to have a lovely dairy shower in.
Finally the “GP” is a service to which women can go for actual health advice based on evidential studies and up-to-date research, rather than relying on knocker-obsessed weirdoes who regurgitate tabloid cancer scares filtered through their own ignorant, top-bollock-focused lens.
19 Responses to “Do Allow Their Breasts”
That’s it! I’m going to rush home from the office, grab my girlfriend’s chest shitters and then claim I have killed her.
This is the kind of behaviour she has come to expect.
All very well, but what about the Kadir-Buxton Tit-Punch, guaranteed to re-set the breasts and prevent cancer?
There is no evidence that damage to breast tissue causes cancer. Squeeze away!
Oh good heavens – flirting in the Times Online comments section.
Kate Clarke is literally instructing Professor Sir Douglas Grenfell BAp (Bristol) to roughly manhandle her swollen, pendulous teats.
I need to join that institute…. or at least print out a fake membership certificate.
Not enough by itself. We need research on the medical as well as the socio-cultural effects of the titwank and the pearl necklace.
Latest evidence suggests you can negate the cancer causing effects if you make a comedy hooter or horn type noise as you squeeze.
I tried that once.
Couldn’t walk straight for a week after.
We need someone to create a matrix regarding this. I remember a while back Nelson created a matrix with an entry titled “Bumming (Wistful)”, something similar could be useful.
I need to know how size of tit vs verocity of grope will increase chances of cancer. I will then nail this matrix to the door of my local Christadelphian Hall and by tried as a tosser.
I’m pretty sure that said matrix would just become an exercise in listing as many euphemisms as the author knew for the female mammary gland, and that’s the kind of lazy writing I can’t condone.
Is that like ferocity, velocity, veracity or all three?
I don’t think chips are the same without a generous dose of toxins on top, so I will take my chances with that one thank you.
@Kelvin
http://ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/2009/03/18/baconcancer-matrix/
It actually contains breast cancer references which is topical and is giving me ‘torpaedo willy’
@Ugly Newt
I meant Ferocity, but my fat fingers stumble so…
Doug ‘Doc’ Grenfell has never been hugged, as he is terrified of catching ‘full body cancer’
Petpete,
LOL’d at the archive reference. Still funny now.
I suspect more of a Venn Diagram is called for, with subsets of “sqeezing too hard”, “definitely some risk of producing some milk”, “causing cancer by eating a vitamin pill” and “exposure to French philospohers”
I think the scientific research (funded by a grant from the Tit Doctors Institute) went like this:
Findings:
1) Douglas Grenfell considers himself an aggressive lover.
2) Women will not let Douglas Grenfell touch their bumpy bits.
3) Women don’t want to get cancer.
Conclusion:
Touching women’s breasts aggressively causes cancer.
On a similarly scientific note, this comment was on the same thread.
Anyone who didn’t completely fail O-level/GCSE/back-of-a-box-of-Kellogg’s-Rice-Crispies Physics is invited to scream.
Surely that means he’s radioactive.
If you like Venn diagrams so much…
or the counter is radioactive?