spEak You're bRanes

I was disappointed that no-one at the Times was agreeing with the idea that spending £1.4m a day for the next 20 years on something that’s never going to get used was just fucking brilliant, so I went over to HYS. Among the people sensibly discussing the real-world policy implications of such a move, I found leambloke making the only sensible argument.

Trident was a weapon and deterant of a totally different time and enermy. It does not fit in with todays enermy as they know we wouldn’t use it.
It should be kept until a more suitable deterant or weapon is developed that would scare the bejesus out of terrist like the Taliban and Al-Quieda or even some of the more unstable Middle East nation like Syria Iran etc.
Be prepared to use it as a show of intention not just keep it lockd away in the tubes of subs gathering dust and costing a small fortune to maintain.

Either way, non of the current political leadership would dis-arm unilaterally as there is too much political outfall.
leambloke

See, that’s where we’re going wrong! Everyone’s complaining because they want to spend £100bn on something that’s out of date and not going to get used, but with all these people pointing out that there’s no-one to fire them at, only leambloke has managed to come up with the perfect, obvious, middle-of-the-road solution to everyone’s problems – just use the bastards anyway! Defy expectations! I’m glad leambloke is around to remind us that the option to fire nuclear missiles is always there, at least until Dr. Strangelove comes up with the Doomsday Machine.

Thanks to Dan for pointing out this next one:

A friend of mine has a painted biscuit tin hanging on a nail outside his house. He’s never been burgled. All the deterrent value of a real burglar alarm, without the expense.
So instead of wasting £80 billion on real nuclear missiles, why not just make some hollow metal shells and release lots of photos of them? They’ll never actually be put to the test anyway, so it’s a complete waste of money to make weapons that will never be fired. But if people think we have them, they’ll still work as a deterrent.
Graphis

Spot on. That rusty old tin of Peek Freans that your mate painted white and scribbled “BUGLER ALLARM” across in red marker is exactly the model of deception we’re looking for. I look forward to a nuclear defence policy that consists of sixty cardboard missiles with Geoff Hoon hiding behind them going “woosh, woosh, eeeeooooooowwwww”.

I’m not kidding, that’d be fucking awesome.

Our independent nuclear deterrent is worth much more than the 80bn pounds (upper estimate)it would cost to replace. Without nuclear weapons, we would lose our permanent seat on the UN security council (I don’t know if you’ve noticed but all the other countries are nuclear powers), lose our remaining influence in the world and become relegated to becoming a backwater European power on the same level as the Netherlands. From here, we’d lose preferential trade agreements and much of our strong negotiating position, the cost to the economy as we became more and more irrelevant would be huge. This is all quite apart from losing the industry which depends on the maintenance of nuclear weapons in this country.
Nuclear weapons are about a lot more than just causing untold destruction and it is important that people remember this before just thinking about the upfront cost of a replacement.
Anthony

Also, I heard they’re kicking us out of the Tufty Club because Gordon Brown only looked one way when he crossed the street. That’s much worse, because getting kicked out of the Security Council would only lose us our right to go first in the queue at the UN cafeteria, but getting kicked out of the Tufty Club would mean the nice policeman wouldn’t come and do his puppet show at Parliament.

Should the rules for Scrabble be changed?

357. At 5:33pm on 07 Apr 2010, Raymond Hopkins wrote:
Swear word with a Z? As it happens, I know five of them, although one should really only be counted as a gross insult. Ah, the benefits of a broad education!

Cuntzip?

Trying to summon up some enthusiasm for sifting through this fucking shit. Christ.

Anyways road up. A while back the Have Your Say mods made a page with the title “Should smoking be banned in cars?” I printed it out and took it on a train with me. Big mistake. Since then I have mainly been weeping.

1. At 04:52am on 24 Mar 2010, DtheT wrote:
There are absolutely no figures for second hand smoking related diseases to engender blanket knee jerk bans like this. Far more pollution is caused by the cars themselves (in the region of times 10 plus). One celeb dies of what could be passsive smoking (most people with a mouth his shape smoke large cigars… so was he a non-smoker?) and the knee jerk nannies blame the rest of the society he chose to spend his time with for the nations’ ills. I too have spent some forty years in the same smoke filled rooms and none the casualties I know have died of passive smoking. Lets ban the KJNannies and learn how to have fun again.

Some quality shit in there. Note the obsession with the phrase “knee-jerk” and the attempt to popularise the abbreviation “KJNannies“. I don’t see how this meme can fail to set the internet alight. It’s right up there with such inescapable mindgum as the number 343382.44444 and the phrase “yeah, pop it down just there, nah, past that.. nah.. hang on… watch yourself… wait there, I’ll move the bucket.. yeah… that’s it, just next to the shed. Thanks“. You’ll be humming it all week.

I’m also pretty curious about which celebrity died of “what could be passive smoking”. Luckily we’ve been given a description of his mouth (it’s shaped like a large cigar-holder), so I drew up one of them artist’s impression thingies. Anyone know who it is?

I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to track this fucker down. Though he probably looks a bit different now, being dead n that. Hang on, I’ll update the thingy.

Keep your eyes peeled eh? Nicely.

A bunch of retired generals have written to The Times, saying that Britain needs to rethink replacing Trident. I think it’s safe to say that generals know fuck all, so I just dive right into the comments for my commonsenses and standstoreasons. There’s just so much wisdom there that I didn’t think I’d fit it all in before I felt a compulsion to throw myself under a bus.

No one should be surprised that some of our generals want to get rid of our nuclear deterrent.None of them have had experience of working with nuclear weapons or looking at other state’s nuclear, chemical or biological capabilities and their Army Staff College training will have taught them nothing about nuclear strategy – a subject which still isn’t taught in any depth in the current modern Joint Staff Courses.

The cavalry generals were arguing the same thing to get more tanks in the Cold War – even when all their tanks and 30-40 million of their countrymen could die in minutes without a credible nuclear deterrent. Now its the infantry generals arguing for more money and lives to be spent fighting far away gro-
David Davies

I had to stop David there, because it goes on for a while and he’s a massive twat. You could go and look at the article to find his comment, but I guarantee there’s nothing interesting in the rest of it, and he’s a massive twat. He also posted this at 1.42am, so he’s probably also either a jobless and gormless massive twat, or taking a break from his job playing with his winkie while watching war documentaries on the History Channel and National Geographic – which is probably where he learned everything he knows about the military and which, incidentally, would also make him a massive twat.

Speaking of massive twats…

If it is Britain’s future to be dominated/controlled by the EEC… then Britain is finished. Britain will have no future: A glance at History will tell us that Britain MUST stand on her own two feet. That will require British brains, British confidence…British guts. Sometimes I wonder if we have lost it all.

It is truly amazing how quickly the lessons of History are forgotten in Britain today. Those who forget the past…are doomed!
ANTHONY GUMBS

Lost it all? Jesus Christ, Anthony! That’s not the Dunkirk Spirit! That’s not what won the war for us! We will fight them on the beaches! We will fight them on the streets! We will fight them by the swimming pools, especially if those Kraut bastards try and sneak down first thing in the morning and put their filthy European towels on the sunbeds while we’re having a good British lie-in! For fuck’s sake, Anthony! Nearly seventy cocking years gone by, seventy years of reinforcing that the British won a British war with British guts and British confidence, not to mention British brains spread liberally all over British fields in British France, and you’re wondering if we’ve lost it all?

Don’t worry, Anthony. We haven’t lost it, not if your example is anything to go by – your example of posting about twenty fucking times on the same fucking article with hard-up patriotic bollocks referring to abstract qualities every country in the world claims for their brave boys in uniform. That still says to me that if there’s something utterly pointless and shit to do, then there’ll always be a British man ready to step up and be shit at it while failing to realise it’s all utterly pointless.

This wouldn’t happen to have anything to with the Generals wanting the Army to have a higher proportion of defenence spending?

Talk of a silo based system by the Liberal Democrats also shows them to be unfit to govern. Such a system would:

- Make the UK homeland a target
- Place a strong incentive on an enemy of the UK to launch a first strike
- Be highly vulnerable

A bomber launched system have the same disadvantages but would also require the huge cost of buying or developing a fleet of strategic bombers.
Andre Deutsch

I know for a fact that:

- Our very real enemies currently have plans to fire missiles randomly into the ocean in the hope they’ll hit a Trident submarine, instead of at the places where all the people live
- The locations of the missile silos will all be on Google Maps, along with the nearest hotels with prayer rooms and roadside cafes that don’t sell bacon
- I can’t think of a third one, so I’ll just make something up that seems slightly plausible, because all the really great arguments always make their points in threes

Well the £80 billion is the total system cost of its like, about 25 years.
So £80 billion divided by 25 equals £320 million per year. Given parliament costs about £500 billion per year, and one could also ask to what use I don’t think that is a bad price to pay to dissuade some nutter who might decide to launch a nuke at us one day.
Jack Black

Personally, I think the money could be better spent on remedial maths classes for adults. But then, what do I know. Apart from basic maths.

Thanks to Zoe. Yet another online literary critic. John Parker has worked out who’s behind it all.

John Parker wrote:
The myth of any superstition about “Macbeth” is female propaganda, and females have always caused all the troubles in putting on the play. Female school teachers tell their students the theme of “Macbeth” is the danger of excessive ambition. This is female nonsense, of course. The theme of “Macbeth” is the danger of ever listening to any female, especially the fatal folly of any man ever listening to his wife.

Narcissistic females don’t like this theme, naturally, and consider it unrealistic in their delusional vanity. Thus they invented this old wife’s tale about the play being unlucky, in a senseless bid to prevent it from being performed. They didn’t need to waste their energy. Any male over 12 knows better than to listen to any female, whether he’s seen “Macbeth” or not.

I don’t like jumping to conclusions, but it’s probably safe to surmise that ‘gullible’ is in the dictionary and Mrs. Parker wasn’t really working late.

They’re changing the rules of Scrabble.

Fucking hell. NO! NOT SCRABBLE! RUN FOR THE HILLS! SAVE YOURSELVES! WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST! Quickly followed by a bunch of puffy knobheads.

Yet another example of: (chose at least one from list below)
-Political Correctness gone mad
-Broken Britain
-Falling education standards
Fade ‘n’ Die (No Relation to Shake ‘n’ Vac)

You forgot “You couldn’t make it up”, “All the more reason to vote BNP” and “Mattel is an American company.” Never mind though, at least you’re still resolutely Anglo-centric, like Miss Terri Poster:

In my household, the word MATTEL will not be allowed in any game.

It would never have happened when J W SPEAR & SONS PLC was [English] guardian of the game…
Miss Terri Poster

Absolutely. Those were the days, eh? Those halcyon days of yore, when men were men and women were women, when gay meant happy and you could rape your wife. Ah, yes, back in the 50s, when being English was a state of mind and it didn’t matter if you were a German-American Jew – you could still be English, too! Well, it’s either that lovely multicultural vision of inclusivity, or we have to face the prospect that Miss Terri Poster is just a puffed-up fartbubble who’s just all too ready to blurt out crap on the basis of “it stands to reason” and “common sense”. And like changing the Scrabble rules, I’m just not ready to accept that.

I don’t think Miss Terri Poster should worry – after all, she’ll still be able to rigidly control what words her children put down, while insisting that strict adherence to the rules is “all part of the fun”. And she’ll still be able to “accidentally” knock the board and ruin the game when someone gets a triple word score with a Z. After all, that stuff isn’t in the rules, but it’s in the English spirit of things – just like storming out in a huff when your eleven year old finds jobation in the OED after you’ve sat there for five minutes blocking dictionary access while insisting that’s not possibly a word, lamenting the standards of education in today’s society and how all these exams are just getting easier, and what exactly do you learn in Gordon Brown’s education system, how to cheat your way through your exams…

Well, at least no-one could divert a discussion on Scrabble to suggest that Islam is going to rise up and take over the world, and do it in a manner that barely conceals the author’s petulant racism.

The makers of the game should ban the word pachyderm as it contains the prefix “pachy” which is insulting to our beloved masters in the new mother country.
varnayfan

Oh.

Thanks to Rob, David and Loren, who all spotted the massive cock ring John Wren.

Should we befriend sex offenders?

No matter how much time is spent talking to these sex offenders they will always revert to type. They have the instincts of a predatory animal, and possibly even less self control. Castration at birth is the only solution that I can see, but, as this is not possible, issue them with a permanent facial mark so that they can be identified in public places.
John Wren, Norwich

Yes, John, but would castration at birth really work? You’d have to do a detailed cost-benefit analysis – first there’s the cost of mutating the precogs, a whole new Department of Precrime, chlorine for the swimming pool, and then the taxpayer has to foot the bill for Tom Cruise to run around shouting “WHERE IS MY MINORITY REPORT???” Before you know it, Michael J. Fox has turned up in a flying DeLorean and flown them back to before they were found out and they’re molesting you in your cot. And I heard if that happens, you become one of them. Like vampires or something.

Is that what you really want, John? Time travelling vampire paedos? Really? Because that’s exactly what’ll happen.

Thanks to PY. On the Big Swiss Apocalypse Donut.

Posted by: Trevor on March 30, 2010 9:00 AM

I wish these people wouldstop “experimenting” with things they admit they don’t understand. Nobody knows what the consequences might be if those beams are made to cross.

But of course that’s what they’re going to do, Trevor. Abhorrent as it sounds, the four-eyed eccentric science professors at the LHC actually want the beams to cross. Timid, bookish nerds with glasses look out for their own, and if it means Sigourney Weaver might stick her tongue down Rick Moranis’ throat, they don’t give two shits if a dirty great marshmallow eats New York.

Gordon Brown + immigration + The Times = bloated stinking corpse of the Enlightenment.

James Jones wrote:
” San Toi wrote:
It makes me laugh when I read people say they are going to vote BNP to save Britain. ”

I agree, it’s a horrendous risk.

It is clear though that recent governments and oppositions have been taking their own horrendous risks without consultation. There seems no alternative if my message that unfettered immigration (including self-evidently undesirable religious extremists) is unacceptable to me is to be transmitted in any reasonable timescale.

We have had something like a decade of a surruptitious, unmandated, culture-altering policy. I think that a mandate is needed RIGHT NOW.

I plan to vote BNP.

I hope that the BNP don’t end up with all that much influence. I hope that the elected government takes notice so that I don’t have to do it again.

I follows his logic exactly. I went and read the comments on the Times website because I didn’t want to read self-evidently flatulent nonsense by a vacuous tit called James Jones. And as everyone knows, returning officers always stand there and read from a list of imaginary, hare-brained grievances from individual voters, just so the government of the day knows why you’re voting for a bunch of racists you don’t think should have any influence.

On the plus side, James is probably avoiding lung cancer, obesity and road traffic accidents by eating cigarettes and lard, smoking carrier bags through a benzene-filled bong and cycling, blindfolded, the wrong way up the M1.

Language is undoubtedly the single most important development in the history of our species. Without it, there would be no society, no civilisation, end of. We use it to share thoughts, feelings, ideas; form concepts so abstract they could never have existed otherwise. Some of us, on the other hand, simply use it for its own fucking sake, flap their mouths about, spurt stinking piss-streams of phonemes that may be recognised as words, but are bereft of any real value.

You’ll remember EBAYTKMAX. Well, now he’s applied his formidable insight to this bollocks about blogs and Rod Liddle. Thanks to David.

What is a BLOG? What is a FEED? And what is a THREAD? Can someone tell me in SIMPLE language? Pretend I am aged 5, explain it to me like I am that age….. Thank you
EBAYTKMAX

Thank you Megan for your quick reply, (my daughter’s middle name is Megan but I wanted it to be spelt Meghan, but thought most people wouldnt know how to say it, so its spelt the same as yours) thank you again, I understand a bit more now.
EBAYTKMAX

Do you, though? Do you really?