Thanks to Rob, David and Loren, who all spotted the massive cock ring John Wren.
Should we befriend sex offenders?
No matter how much time is spent talking to these sex offenders they will always revert to type. They have the instincts of a predatory animal, and possibly even less self control. Castration at birth is the only solution that I can see, but, as this is not possible, issue them with a permanent facial mark so that they can be identified in public places.
John Wren, Norwich
Yes, John, but would castration at birth really work? You’d have to do a detailed cost-benefit analysis – first there’s the cost of mutating the precogs, a whole new Department of Precrime, chlorine for the swimming pool, and then the taxpayer has to foot the bill for Tom Cruise to run around shouting “WHERE IS MY MINORITY REPORT???” Before you know it, Michael J. Fox has turned up in a flying DeLorean and flown them back to before they were found out and they’re molesting you in your cot. And I heard if that happens, you become one of them. Like vampires or something.
Is that what you really want, John? Time travelling vampire paedos? Really? Because that’s exactly what’ll happen.
41 Responses to “Silent Majority Report”
The only solution? Castrating their parents at birth would be more effective. If necessary, go back a few more generations. Or are you soft on paedos, you paedo-loving small brown bird?
I’ve been visiting this site a while, and that is definitely the most moronic post that’s been on here. Kudos John.
Considering the only options that John can possibly begin to consider require either seeing into the future (which to be fair, he has noted is a flawed idea), or Nazi-style branding, I can safely say that his parents were brother and sister.
Having said that, I’m all for this facial mark on sex offenders, as long as John Wren also has TWAT branded across his forehead.
God, I’d paid good money to see that shit instead of the fucking Twilight series.
By the way, John Cock Wreng (see what I did there?) isn’t being as stupid as it seems: we could work out which children are going to grow up to be paedos by simply finding out which children fancy other children. Then we can string ‘em up. It’s obvious when you think about it.
I think I’ve made my latest tinfoil hat a bit too tight.
Wait, why can’t we just castrate them later in life, before/after/instead of branding them? I must confess, John Wren’s superior logic has lost me.
WTF the BBC is slowly building up its questions towards “What would YOU like to see done to a sex offender by ex-SAS masked torturers armed with a screwdriver, a blowtorch, [etc]??? HMMMM? TELL ME!!”
And do they plan a live show in the future after having built the public’s concern into a maniacal frenzy?
I think we ought to know.
Kill them all.
And their parents for allowing their genes to cause half of this.
And their lovely old grandparents, for allowing their genes to cause a quarter of this.
And any siblings of the aforementioned.
Just in case.
It’s the only way to be sure.
Of course, given that the great majority of child sexual abuse happens within the family – FACT (as in, it’s a fact, I’m not just making this shit up), then we should execute or brand anybody who has kids, because they’re just being bred to satisfy their parents’ evil carnal desires.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? THE DESTRUCTION OF THE FAMILY!!! COME ON DAILY MAIL, HAVE YOU SOLD OUT TO ZANULABRIER?
Note to self: don’t read this site after beer. It will only make me angry at people.
It’s all a tad harsh, especially if you are branded by mistake.
How about convicted paedos (like convicted beyond all reasonable doubt) branded outside of their local town hall on a Saturday afternoon, then entered into a national paedo league, with a monthly final televised live from Wembley on a Saturday night.
We could all vote for our favourite paedo and then the winner is castrated live. The losers are simply flogged to within an inch of their lives and then dumped on a remote hebridean island to fend for themselves.
I have often thought we could do this for chavs as well. Could be called Simply Castrating.
I think I may have been reading too much Mail on Sunday at the in-laws.
A facial tattoo is pretty useless, if the object is to make a convicted sex offender instantly recognisable, even from behind or some distance away. It would be better if convicted paedophiles had to dress as the pope 24×7, while people convicted of indecent exposure could be legally compelled to go around stark naked, even in winter.
“Ooooh, look what I can see! A duck! SSSsshhh! Look, A duck just sitting there, half asleep. And, I’m pretty sure it’s wing’s broken. This is a perfect gift for predatory weasels like us! A lame duck! I’m going to Kill it! Let’s kill it now!”
“Hey, now hang on. Let’s think for a second. We ate pretty well this morning, didn’t we? And I’m pretty sure we can get some eggs from the chicken farm tonight. Maybe we should show some self control? Yeah, we should. Let’s leave it. We don’t NEED this duck. We’re predators, but we’re not just brainless killers, are we? I’m sure there’ll be plenty of other opportunities to find our next meal. Come on.”
“Oh, ok; you’re right.”
Norfolk is going to be a very facially colourful place if John gets his way.
Yeah, I really really loved Inglorious Basterds, too. It was great the way the good guys won, wasn’t it? Fuck them dickhead Nazees!
‘Now I’m gonna give you something you can’t take off’
‘Y’know, Lieutenant, I think this is your masterpiece’
Brilliant film.
But, Re Peados, John, I think burning their faces will be just too strong for our ridiculous Elf ‘n’ Safety brigade. So maybe we could make them wear some sort of armband or something?
Won’t the time traveling paedo vampires be identifiable by their sparkle?
I’m hoping for Trueblood, or at the very least, Underworld-type vampires to be honest – you know, the genuinely ‘piss your pants in abject terror’ sort…
My coat’s hanging next to the garlic wreath. Yes that one, but mind the stakes in the pockets with “If I ever see another sparkly vampire I am literally going to explode in righteous indignation” carved into them
I was trying to get Peter Jackson to option it, but he’s more interested in building gold plated moats around his isolated fortified compound than my original story about Sidney Cooke being the chief vampaedo of a bunch of young paedophiles in a remote Yorkshire town. I was going to call it The Lost Boys, but apparently that’s been taken, so I went for Uncle Sid’s Yorkshire Moors Funtime Buggery Sanctuary.
For some reason, Disney haven’t written back, not even to tell me they don’t take unsolicited scripts.
Obviously it’s the yorkshire element that’s causing problems. Yorkshire has been oh-so-passé since “American Werewolf”. I’d suggest “sexing up” the location, maybe somewhere like Turin.
“Time-Travelling Transylvanian Turdpipe Terrorists in Turin” has a nice “ring” to it, don’t you think?
Why not jump in a time machine, leap back 200 000 years to find mitochondrial eve’s husband (husband of the first human, according to evolutionary biology), and castrate HIM. Eve dies a spinster, no homo sapiens. Problem solved.
Brilliant.
Branding paedos may sound like a great idea, but how long before Tesco starts selling a generic variety?
Sorry I can’t find the ticket but it’s a sort of light green anorak with…yeah that’s it, great thanks.
Is a preference for IM over Skype really such a crime?
“Castration at birth is the only solution that I can see, but, as this is not possible,”
Bit harsh to take the piss given he says it isn’t possible.
Dizzy, ‘vampaedos’ is genius. And clearly the latest trend in supernatural hokum we can look forward to now that Hollywood has seemingly exhausted the stories it can churn out about Zombies, Werewolves and boring old standard Vampires.
Lose the glasses, fork out for a spot of CGI and Rose West could make a passable Elvira.
Hey this might work – think about it, how many 11 year old want to shag that gormless plansk from Twilight ?
Now they could, they’d be his type!
There’s money in this people!!
Btw, plansk is clearly the old Irish (not invading force British) for “plank”.
No coat, rarely enough its a gorgeous spring day here !
…….and then it will be the value range, which doesn’t even fully interfere with you properly
Try reading a Green party campaign leaflet at them instead.
I forgot to mention a great part of the time-travelling theme – it’s set in Ashfordly and Aidensfield, home of Heartbeat.
Take that, BBC.
Gary G, saw what you did there.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/haveyoursay/2010/04/should_mars_be_the_main_missio.html
You first Simon. You’re definitely one of the right people for the job.
Being bored yesterday, I did some research, which suggests that convicted sex offenders have a very low recidivism rate, around 15%, which is a lot lower than your “decent” criminals, who re-offend about 50% of the time.
http://www.scotland.gov.uk/Publications/2002/11/15729/12633
S’pose this means that if you keep talking to them they will start their deviant activities right in front of you. He’s revealed the Loony Left’s secret agenda for live paedo shows!
Peterborough portly paedo Porphyric Paradox?
I can See Michael bay optioning it
This is from a previous thread.
@ Dizzy.
Yes, yes it does.
@Doc Wrong
That’d sell. At least around Peterborough. You might want to add an incest angle, though.
Yes, now you mention it, I was brought up on the fens, in a village not far from Peterborough where everyone has the same surname.
He doesn’t say why it isn’t possible. I read it as meaning that it couldn’t be done on account of the lily-livered ‘elf ‘n’ safety brigade, not because it was temporally absurd. Otherwise why mention it – if it’s possible to predict who the paedos will be at birth, why not arm their future victims with rusty pliers? But no, Boredoom McClown or the EU, or The Guardian wouldn’t allow that, the paedo-loving noncehags.
Naughty Norfolk Nosferatu Nonces in ‘The Castrato’?
Don’t make him sing, you wouldn’t like him when he sings…..
I think I went there on my holidays once.
To be fair, when I encounter problems my first recourse is to a bunch of solutions that aren’t only impossible, but also downright ridiculous and that contravene all known laws of physics.
The laws of physics are ridiculous and outdated!
I stopped living my life by them years ago and things have never been better.
http://yfrog.com/5gbadadvicecat34338244444j
Actually that number’s pretty catchy Nelson.
You might just have started something big..