Armchair Generals and Retired Colonels and Self-appointed Sages23 Apr 2010 09:41 am
By Dizzy

A bunch of retired generals have written to The Times, saying that Britain needs to rethink replacing Trident. I think it’s safe to say that generals know fuck all, so I just dive right into the comments for my commonsenses and standstoreasons. There’s just so much wisdom there that I didn’t think I’d fit it all in before I felt a compulsion to throw myself under a bus.

No one should be surprised that some of our generals want to get rid of our nuclear deterrent.None of them have had experience of working with nuclear weapons or looking at other state’s nuclear, chemical or biological capabilities and their Army Staff College training will have taught them nothing about nuclear strategy – a subject which still isn’t taught in any depth in the current modern Joint Staff Courses.

The cavalry generals were arguing the same thing to get more tanks in the Cold War – even when all their tanks and 30-40 million of their countrymen could die in minutes without a credible nuclear deterrent. Now its the infantry generals arguing for more money and lives to be spent fighting far away gro-
David Davies

I had to stop David there, because it goes on for a while and he’s a massive twat. You could go and look at the article to find his comment, but I guarantee there’s nothing interesting in the rest of it, and he’s a massive twat. He also posted this at 1.42am, so he’s probably also either a jobless and gormless massive twat, or taking a break from his job playing with his winkie while watching war documentaries on the History Channel and National Geographic – which is probably where he learned everything he knows about the military and which, incidentally, would also make him a massive twat.

Speaking of massive twats…

If it is Britain’s future to be dominated/controlled by the EEC… then Britain is finished. Britain will have no future: A glance at History will tell us that Britain MUST stand on her own two feet. That will require British brains, British confidence…British guts. Sometimes I wonder if we have lost it all.

It is truly amazing how quickly the lessons of History are forgotten in Britain today. Those who forget the past…are doomed!
ANTHONY GUMBS

Lost it all? Jesus Christ, Anthony! That’s not the Dunkirk Spirit! That’s not what won the war for us! We will fight them on the beaches! We will fight them on the streets! We will fight them by the swimming pools, especially if those Kraut bastards try and sneak down first thing in the morning and put their filthy European towels on the sunbeds while we’re having a good British lie-in! For fuck’s sake, Anthony! Nearly seventy cocking years gone by, seventy years of reinforcing that the British won a British war with British guts and British confidence, not to mention British brains spread liberally all over British fields in British France, and you’re wondering if we’ve lost it all?

Don’t worry, Anthony. We haven’t lost it, not if your example is anything to go by – your example of posting about twenty fucking times on the same fucking article with hard-up patriotic bollocks referring to abstract qualities every country in the world claims for their brave boys in uniform. That still says to me that if there’s something utterly pointless and shit to do, then there’ll always be a British man ready to step up and be shit at it while failing to realise it’s all utterly pointless.

This wouldn’t happen to have anything to with the Generals wanting the Army to have a higher proportion of defenence spending?

Talk of a silo based system by the Liberal Democrats also shows them to be unfit to govern. Such a system would:

- Make the UK homeland a target
- Place a strong incentive on an enemy of the UK to launch a first strike
- Be highly vulnerable

A bomber launched system have the same disadvantages but would also require the huge cost of buying or developing a fleet of strategic bombers.
Andre Deutsch

I know for a fact that:

- Our very real enemies currently have plans to fire missiles randomly into the ocean in the hope they’ll hit a Trident submarine, instead of at the places where all the people live
- The locations of the missile silos will all be on Google Maps, along with the nearest hotels with prayer rooms and roadside cafes that don’t sell bacon
- I can’t think of a third one, so I’ll just make something up that seems slightly plausible, because all the really great arguments always make their points in threes

Well the £80 billion is the total system cost of its like, about 25 years.
So £80 billion divided by 25 equals £320 million per year. Given parliament costs about £500 billion per year, and one could also ask to what use I don’t think that is a bad price to pay to dissuade some nutter who might decide to launch a nuke at us one day.
Jack Black

Personally, I think the money could be better spent on remedial maths classes for adults. But then, what do I know. Apart from basic maths.

106 Responses to “Not the chewing gum, right?”

  1. on 23 Apr 2010 at 9:59 am Felna

    But Dizzy, you’re forgetting that when you are using the statistical system of ‘pulling random numbers out of the air’ remedial maths just isn’t necessary.

    Perhaps Jack thinks we could raise the remaining 2.9 Billion by advertising on the sides of the missiles – a well placed burkini advert would distract the Muslims, while the missile comes in I’m sure…

  2. on 23 Apr 2010 at 10:10 am christonabike

    Not his fault. It all started when he was showing his mother his first erection. Gazing down on his pitiful pinenut of a peen, the constant questioning in her ears “It’s six inches right?”, “This is six inches right?”, what was a mother to do but lie? I’d bet a trillion dollars (HALF of an MP’s salary BEFORE EXPENSES!!!) it fucked up his spatial reasoning and basic mathemomatical abilties for life.

  3. on 23 Apr 2010 at 11:04 am Rotwatcher

    I wasn’t really struck by the comments themselves – this is the sort of Stygian stupidity that you really owe it to yourself to avoid reading, and it can be much more safely imagined with more or less exactly the same relation to reality. I was, however, intrigued by the names of the writers. First, there was a professional working-class ex-SAS (TA) Tory MP. Next, someone who wants to be the serial killer in a book by Thomas Harris, closely followed by the corpse of a dead publisher, and finishing with a gurning allegedly comic actor. Interesting that they can take time out from their real jobs (trying to get re-elected, finding a victim, decomposing, and failing dismally to make me laugh) to leave comments on the shittest broadsheet newspaper they can find.

  4. on 23 Apr 2010 at 11:17 am Dizzy

    Rotwatcher

    on the shittest broadsheet newspaper they can find.

    Let’s be fair – this isn’t the Telegraph. As far as I know, James Delingpole and Christopher Booker haven’t ever appeared in The Times.

  5. on 23 Apr 2010 at 11:54 am Rod Wrongnob

    William Kent wrote:
    Without a huge nuclear deterrent Britain will become less important than Israel or Pakistan.

    Now that’s a nightmare scenario. We must be at least as important as Israel and Pakistan!

    More from Anthony Gumbs, reaching the vinegar strokes:

    What would Churchill say?

    “Help! Someone let me out of this box!”
    (Bad-a-boom-tish)

  6. on 23 Apr 2010 at 11:54 am Andy

    The more I read this site, the more I think Nick Clegg was right when he said that the British public had ‘A misplaced sense of superiority, sustained by delusions of grandeur and a tenacious obsession with the last war’. Perhaps he’s been moonlighting as a HYS mod?

  7. on 23 Apr 2010 at 12:12 pm Schroduck

    This site is a welcome respite from Facebook and it’s soical media ilk right now, which seem to have been entirely given over to grainy mobile phone photos of English (not British) flags and misspelled exhortations that “Were ENGLISH here an we do things the ENGLISH way! If u dunt like it den leave!”

    I’m pretty sure HYS must have a “How will you celebrate St. George’s Day (and how boorishly can you whine that it’s not a national holiday)?” thread but I don’t have the strength to look right now.

  8. on 23 Apr 2010 at 12:16 pm Where the nearest recruitment office?

    “if there’s something utterly pointless and shit to do, then there’ll always be a British man ready to step up and be shit at it while failing to realise it’s all utterly pointless.”

    I’m desperate to do my bit for the country: friendly fire; improperly equipped; drowning in mud; in the wrong place altogether. Just as long as I look good uniform!

  9. on 23 Apr 2010 at 12:28 pm ad ho

    A glance at History will tell us that Britain MUST stand on her own two feet. That will require British brains, British confidence…British guts.

    Anthony you dolt, you forgot to add BRITISH FEET.
    Now stop pretending your fingers are pilot’s goggles and buck your ideas up.

  10. on 23 Apr 2010 at 12:30 pm dashizzle

    “I’m pretty sure HYS must have a “How will you celebrate St. George’s Day (and how boorishly can you whine that it’s not a national holiday)?” thread but I don’t have the strength to look right now.”

    Ah yes, St George’s Day. When the English celebrate a man who was born in Palestine, died in Turkey, with no visit to England in between.

    Wonder how many HYSers are aware he’s also the patron saint of Lebanon, Russia, herpes, sheep, butchers and syphilis.

  11. on 23 Apr 2010 at 12:49 pm unpatriotic nick

    Sorry, this is totally unrelated to St George’s Day, but I wouldn’t want you to miss it: today’s Kadir-Buxton sighting is in these comments, offering the Method to victims of priestly abuse. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article7105692.ece

  12. on 23 Apr 2010 at 12:54 pm Dizzy

    unpatriotic nick

    Sorry, this is totally unrelated to St George’s Day, but I wouldn’t want you to miss it: today’s Kadir-Buxton sighting is in these comments, offering the Method to victims of priestly abuse. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article7105692.ece

    Anyone with any shred of decency and with any respect for AKB, The Method or the victims of the Catholic Church’s atrocities will get over to that article and recommend the fuck out of that comment.

  13. on 23 Apr 2010 at 1:27 pm simon

    Not sure really what can be expected from HYSers when they are being fed rot like this:
    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/election_2010/parties_and_issues/8636879.stm

  14. on 23 Apr 2010 at 1:33 pm Mal

    And just above the AKB comment is this statement from Bo Hanka – it’s so perfect it almost makes me cry.

    If I were a Catholic I, for one, would no longer be one.

  15. on 23 Apr 2010 at 1:49 pm Rotwatcher

    @Dizzy

    Rotwatcher

    on the shittest broadsheet newspaper they can find.
    Let’s be fair – this isn’t the Telegraph. As far as I know, James Delingpole and Christopher Booker haven’t ever appeared in The Times.

    Fair point, though they do have Liddle, Gill, Clarkson, Wanklestain and Aaronovitch. Actually, I meant to refer to the website itself, where the Times spectacularly takes the prize for the crappest of the crap. Still and all, the Telegraph does have one thing that the Times doesn’t – it’s not owned by Rupert Fucking Murdoch – which is yet another reason to consider voting for Clegg, the only serious leader who isn’t (yet) Murdoch’s creature.

  16. on 23 Apr 2010 at 1:56 pm Ugly Newt

    British brains spread liberally

    Oi! We True Brits aren’t liberal. Or brainy.

  17. on 23 Apr 2010 at 1:57 pm Philbert

    Fair point, though they do have Liddle, Gill, Clarkson, Wanklestain and Aaronovitch. Actually, I meant to refer to the website itself, where the Times spectacularly takes the prize for the crappest of the crap. Still and all, the Telegraph does have one thing that the Times doesn’t – it’s not owned by Rupert Fucking Murdoch – which is yet another reason to consider voting for Clegg, the only serious leader who isn’t (yet) Murdoch’s creature.

    Don’t worry, the Times website will soon be safely locked up behind a paywall where it belongs.

  18. on 23 Apr 2010 at 2:21 pm Dizzy

    Rotwatcher

    Wanklestain

    I actually like Finkelstein, aside from the fact that he’s a failed Tory. He’s like The Little Train That Could – what other occupation could you possibly find for someone who went from being in one of the shittest political parties ever, to running one of the shittest governments ever, to failing to be a politician by a margin three times greater than any politician in that seat in recent history?

    “I think I can, I know I can, I think I can, I kno- oh, shit, I can’t. I know, I’ll go and edit the Times’ Comment section.”

  19. on 23 Apr 2010 at 2:21 pm brown town

    If it is Britain’s future to be dominated/controlled by the EEC… then Britain is finished

    It might be my dyslexia but I though Mr. Gums was talking about Ikea here:

    “If it is Britain’s furniture to be dominated/controlled by the EEC… then Britain is furnished”

    Which I think means he likes cheap beds and wonky wardrobes

  20. on 23 Apr 2010 at 2:22 pm brown town

    curse you blockquotes

  21. on 23 Apr 2010 at 2:53 pm Schroduck

    Ah yes, St George’s Day. When the English celebrate a man who was born in Palestine, died in Turkey, with no visit to England in between.

    And he was a mixed race half-Arab, son of an immigrant, who was killed by a bigot for refusing to follow the majority religion.

    The hypocrisy is almost blinding.

  22. on 23 Apr 2010 at 3:17 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    That Kadir-Buxton comment was recommended by 55 people- fifty-fucking-five!!!

  23. on 23 Apr 2010 at 3:36 pm Throbbe

    In the sixties now. Nice to see another appearance from Roger Boyes on this topic too.

  24. on 23 Apr 2010 at 3:41 pm Schroduck

    @That Bloke in the Corner: I think 52 of them were from here. The other 3 were Andy, his wife, and his nurse.

  25. on 23 Apr 2010 at 4:11 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bone

    I recommended the Kadir-Buxton comment and it jumped by 5, so either they know exactly how strongly I feel about The Method, or there’s a lot of support from the SYBers.

    @brown town

    I agree about the dyslexia of Gumbs. He clearly means,

    “Those who forget the pasta…are doomed!”

    It’s the only way any of his inane ramblings makes any sense. I know how he feels, forget to bring the tagliatelle in my house and you’re in for some pain.

  26. on 23 Apr 2010 at 4:39 pm RIPOFF BRITIAN

    How come has no one -NOT ONE!- pointed out that Andre Deutsch has a kraut-y name; and as we all know, deceit and treason is in the blood of all Germans without exception and his opinion should therefore go unheeded.

    Also because his opinion is shit and because he is a cunt.

  27. on 23 Apr 2010 at 4:40 pm marnarama

    AKB is now on 72, long kive the Kadir-Buxton Method!

  28. on 23 Apr 2010 at 7:24 pm Dave

    Don’t they understand that if we scrap Trident the money will end up being squandered on the NHS or Education it WILL NOT end up remaining in Defence.

    And that’s bad thing?

  29. on 23 Apr 2010 at 8:53 pm Sheepless

    If it is Britain’s future to be dominated/controlled by the EEC… then Britain is finished. Britain will have no future: A glance at History will tell us that Britain MUST stand on her own two feet. That will require British brains, British confidence…British guts.

    …and American weapons. What, you thought Trident was British, or fully under British control? As for the EEC, I suspect that an organisation which ceased to exist 17 years ago doesn’t pose much of a threat to our future.

  30. on 24 Apr 2010 at 12:37 am Dizzy

    104 recommendations for the AKB Method.

    If this isn’t a wholehearted approval from the British public, I don’t know what is.

  31. on 24 Apr 2010 at 5:42 pm random punter

    I am a bad person. I was responsible for both the 98th and the 123rd recommendation for AKB. However, I think that his selfless devotion to bettering the human lot deserves it.

    He’s been active in the Independent livejournal recently: http://opinion.independentminds.livejournal.com/1913762.html

    Interviews with the Resurrected
    redroseandy wrote:
    Wednesday, 21 April 2010 at 04:31 am (UTC)
    Science has recently stated that seeing a light at the end of a tunnel is due to excess C02 levels in the blood, according to Zalika Klemenc-Ketis from the University of Maribor, Slovenia.

    As long as people are only dead for a few minutes and skilled staff get to the scene on time defibrillators, adrenaline, and vasopressin are commonly used. A low tech and superior alternative is available in the Kadir-Buxton Jump Start (formerly Buxton Jump Start). Visitors to Royal grounds in the UK will find that they have found a great place to die. Staff members have been using this method of resuscitation for decades, and I have personally resuscitated someone after twenty six minutes, which is far longer than conventional methods. Christians that have been resurrected in this way say that they have been talking to Jesus Christ, while Jews say that they have been talking to one of the Prophets. We get a better look at Heaven from my invention than can be got from going to a Church. And I still say that the best way of getting to Heaven is by giving all your wealth to the poor.

    The guy’s a saint. I’m thinking he’s seeing a potential power-vacuum in the Catholic church and that he’s engaged in a positioning exercise so that he can swoop in and immediately avail himself of a billion followers. Then we’ll see The Method get the attention it deserves.

  32. on 24 Apr 2010 at 7:28 pm Obamooslim

    @ Mal

    I did actually cry at that. One perfect tear fell from each eye and I laughed my buttocks to the floor.

    Thanks.

  33. on 24 Apr 2010 at 7:36 pm Ed aka Lurkshire Bubble-Hunt

    However, I think that his selfless devotion to bettering the human lot deserves it.

    Am I a bad person for reading that as his “selfless devotion to battering the human bot”?

  34. on 25 Apr 2010 at 12:08 am Dizzy

    Ed aka Lurkshire Bubble-Hunt

    Am I a bad person for reading that as his “selfless devotion to battering the human bot”?

    Yes, you are – it’s clear that AKB is most interested in both the head and the vadge. He correctly views the bottom as an essential function, but doesn’t turn his professional interest toward it. Thank fuck.

  35. on 25 Apr 2010 at 1:50 am Pirate Pete

    AKB now has 131 recommended marks against his comment – that’ll be us and the Facebook group then – happy days :)

  36. on 25 Apr 2010 at 11:38 am Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bone

    Kadir-Buxtonology deems that to get closer to God, you have to kill yourself, and then after twenty-minutes of being dead, get someone to resuscitate / resurrect you by boxing you really hard around the head.

    TO which I say, count me in. Sounds better than the Harvest Festival.

  37. on 25 Apr 2010 at 11:38 am Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bone

    I definitely did not capitalize the “TO” in that entry. No way, wasn’t me.

  38. on 25 Apr 2010 at 12:18 pm Mr Ed

    THis piece in the Times generates some Grade A fuckwittery.

    http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article7107598.ece

    I’d definitely use my collection of fake documents to obtain a real drtiving licence, yes sir.

    Frank Taylor wrote:
    I wonder what the real number is? Looking around any of the main population centres suggests a lot more than 1m.

    who needs statistics when you can simply look aroundtown centres for forruns. Do they wear a convenient badge? It’d be much easier if they did wouldn’t it Frank

    But, fortunately, I’ve found a teacher for the remedial maths class

    derek bevan wrote:
    The population in 1900 was 50m,in 2000 it was 60m,(1m a year)2010(Just 10 years later)it was another 10m,= 70m, by 2020 80m,unstantainable.

  39. on 25 Apr 2010 at 1:33 pm ad ho

    Ed aka Lurkshire Bubble-Hunt

    Am I a bad person for reading that as his “selfless devotion to battering the human bot”?

    Dizzy
    Yes, you are – it’s clear that AKB is most interested in both the head and the vadge. He correctly views the bottom as an essential function, but doesn’t turn his professional interest toward it. Thank fuck.

    You don’t have to be a bad person to get a KB-bum-battering
    but it helps.

  40. on 25 Apr 2010 at 4:12 pm random punter

    Paraplegics who cannot have sex also find Post Sex to be a great invention. A simple arm lock from a consenting friend is enough to make life enjoyable. It is interesting that paraplegics are able to feel their whole bodies during Post Sex.
    Post Sex will have many spin offs including brightening the day of HIV sufferers.
    Post Sex can be used for recreational purposes but it is not an alternative to contraception as the sexual act is also far more fun.
    The length of unconciousness depends on how hard the strike is and the ability to judge comes with practice.

    Try reading that extract with the appropriate Scottish accent and suddenly all becomes clear. AKB is actually Frankie Boyle’s pen-name. Fact.

  41. on 25 Apr 2010 at 8:32 pm Jones

    Kadir-Buxtonology deems that to get closer to God, you have to kill yourself, and then after twenty-minutes of being dead, get someone to resuscitate / resurrect you by boxing you really hard around the head.

    That’s the remake of Flatliners the world’s been waiting for. Now what leading actress would I like to AKB to treat?

  42. on 25 Apr 2010 at 10:05 pm truBritUK1066no2euliebore

    St. George Eh?
    Bloody immigrants, coming over here, killing our dragons…

  43. on 25 Apr 2010 at 11:00 pm Kris

    Bloody immigrants, coming over here, killing our dragons…

    You coodern makk ityup !!!11one1

  44. on 26 Apr 2010 at 8:49 am All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    On the Kadir-Buxton Jump Start:

    Visitors to Royal grounds in the UK will find that they have found a great place to die. Staff members have been using this method of resuscitation for decades, and I have personally resuscitated someone after twenty six minutes, which is far longer than conventional methods.

    “George, I say, old boy, could you pop down to the Queen’s kitchen garden and resuscitate a poor old dear who’s collapsed and died?”

    “Can’t, I’m on my coffee break. Union rules.”

    “Oh, that’s all right, then. Your break finishes in fifteen minutes, so you’ll still have plenty of time to resuscitate her with the Kadir-Buxton Jump Start (formerly Buxton Jump Start). After all, Andy himself did it after twenty-six minutes. Take your time, old chap. More coffee?”

  45. on 26 Apr 2010 at 8:54 am All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    @ad ho

    You don’t have to be a bad person to get a KB-bum-battering but it helps.

    Thank you so much, ad ho. From the link:

    Whilst my attacker was incapacitated on the floor by this martial arts technique I gave the person a bruising slap round the buttocks. When the attacker came to it was said that the experience was even better than sex.

    It’s the “it was said” here that has me ROTFLing in the aisles. I can just picture future historians recounting the event and saying how according to legend, it was said that the experience was even better than sex.

  46. on 26 Apr 2010 at 9:57 am Mal

    When the attacker came too it was said that the experience was even better than sex.

    Fixed.

  47. on 26 Apr 2010 at 1:31 pm random punter

    on 26 Apr 2010 at 9:57 am Mal

    When the attacker came too it was said that the experience was even better than sex.
    Fixed.

    Pedant. (But it did make me chuckle!)

  48. on 26 Apr 2010 at 2:23 pm not a twat

    Whoever or whatever posted this,I lost interest in whatever you were getting at when you wrote
    He also posted this at 1.42am, so he’s probably also either a jobless and gormless
    I decided at this point that you are a MASSIVE TWAT
    and not half as dissimilar to the daily mail reading twats you like to imagine you are superior to.MASSIVE TWAT!

    I have no job and my winkie is very small.

  49. on 26 Apr 2010 at 4:03 pm Ceannair

    Q”not a twat”

    Beg to differ my friend, beg to differ.

  50. on 26 Apr 2010 at 4:16 pm still not a twat

    Differ all you like,Clannad or Runrig or Ryanair or whatever the fuck your handle is meant to be.You don’t need to beg my permission.I have a Flann O’Brien book and this proves I am not prejudiced.

  51. on 26 Apr 2010 at 4:30 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    He also posted this at 1.42am, so he’s probably also either a jobless and gormless
    I decided at this point that you are a MASSIVE TWAT
    and not half as dissimilar to the daily mail reading twats you like to imagine you are superior to.MASSIVE TWAT!

    still not a twat, but he may have been working nights

  52. on 26 Apr 2010 at 4:39 pm Ed aka Lurkshire Bubble-Hunt

    Whilst my attacker was incapacitated on the floor by this martial arts technique I gave the person a bruising slap round the buttocks. When the attacker came to it was said that the experience was even better than sex.

    It’s the “it was said” here that has me ROTFLing in the aisles. I can just picture future historians recounting the event and saying how according to legend, it was said that the experience was even better than sex.

    Mr K-B was trying ham-fistedly to conceal the gender of his “attacker”, who obviously was female. He jammed his finger into the throat of a woman, then bashed her when she was down. Not as hilarious or cuddly as he used to seem, eh?

  53. on 26 Apr 2010 at 4:52 pm not a twat

    Indeed,he may have been working nights.Or had a late start the next day.Or works part-time.Or is a student.Or maybe even unemployed,god forbid,like 2 million others.Because being unemployed automatically makes one gormless,does it not? Dizzy PumPum Claat is a sneering gobshite.

  54. on 26 Apr 2010 at 4:58 pm All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    @not a twat

    Dizzy was actually making the point that army generals might know a tad more about nuclear deterrents than Joe Citizen.

    Oh, and there’s a “not” in your name that shouldn’t be there. Just FYI.

  55. on 26 Apr 2010 at 5:31 pm that's not a point it's an opinion

    Dickhead,the peace camp women were just Joe Citizens,if you trust people with places in bunkers over them you’re insane.
    You seem to think that I’m in agreement with the doltish ‘david davies’- listen,fellow “Joe Citizen”,suppose the generals who know so much more than you about so-called nuclear deterrents wanted to nuke Paris-obviously you would defer to their superior judgement-you’ve said as much.Dickhead!

  56. on 26 Apr 2010 at 5:43 pm My name is Godwin

    Hey,I’m sure the Generals of the Third Reich might know a tad more than any Joe Citizens regarding these wild accusations of a deliberate policy of genocide! These Joe Citizens who claim to have survived Dachau,Auschwitz and so on are just Joe Citizens after all! They’re not even Generals! Trust whatever the Generals Say!
    Because they are Generals!

  57. on 26 Apr 2010 at 6:04 pm All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    Q. When is not a twat a twat?
    A. When he thinks that generals rule the country and can decide to nuke Paris independently of the elected executive. Just, you know, because. Alternatively, not a twat is a twat when he thinks that UK generals would nuke Paris over, say, Iran or North Korea. And so on. Not to mention the amazing way he has of winning friends and influencing people.

    What a troll’s twanging twat.

  58. on 26 Apr 2010 at 6:07 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bone

    I assume “not a twat” is a wind-up, considering no one would be that dumbfuck stupid to choose the name “not a twat” in the first place.

    So I think it’s time someone owned up. Although, you could kept it going, it’s pretty funny. I must say you’ve mastered that thing where the typist appears to have an aversion to the space bar, grammar, punctuation, coherence, making an intelligent point, humour, the correct use of capitals, the correct use of quotation marks, the correct use of speech marks and the correct use of hyphens.

    As an aside, which Flann O’Brien book is it? I enjoyed The Third Policeman , but found The Dalkey Archive hard work.

    @ Ed

    I’ve never spotted that before, but I think you might be right. It was probably his wife. His house must be a wierd place to live.

  59. on 26 Apr 2010 at 6:20 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bone

    Ohh, look at that rogue comma. But it’s okay, a lone one doesn’t make me a twat. Doesn’t. Nope.

  60. on 26 Apr 2010 at 6:27 pm All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    @RJ’s Funny Bone

    Ah. Hadn’t thought of that. Fell right into the troll’s trap, there. Bugger it anyway. Thanks for pulling me out.

  61. on 26 Apr 2010 at 6:49 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bone

    I’m essaying writing, just to explain why I’m posting too often. But I thought I would share this comment, from Richard Littlejohn’s latest article:

    THANK YOU LITTLEJOHN FOR TELLING PEOPLE THAT WHEN THE GOVERMENT ARE DISAPOINTED OR TRY TO OVER TURN A COURT RULEING BY ALLOWING THE CRAP OF THE WORLD TO RESIDE HERE IT’S BECAUSE THEY SIGNED UP FOR THOSE “HUMAN RIGHTS” AND MAKE A BIG SHOW WHEN THEY NO BLOODY WELL THAT NOTHING SHORT OF ROGERING THE QUEEN WILL GET THEM DEPORTED AND EVEN THEN I THINK SOMEONE WOULD HAVE A GOOD EXCUSE TO KEEP THEM HERE.
    YOU CAN ONLY GET DEPORTED IF YOU ARE ENGLISH AND HAVE NOT PAID FOR A SWEET IN POLAND THEN YOU CAN EXPECT THE FULL WEIGHT OF BRITISH JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    - M Walsh, Radstock Somerset, 23/4/2010 19:07

    Ten recommendations, you’ll be pleased to hear.

    And this (I can’t be arsed to find the original commentator), is just great:

    And xenophobe is an anagram of phonebox. Isn`t that just spiffing!

  62. on 26 Apr 2010 at 6:52 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bone

    First time blockquoter! Popping that cherry was better than the cherry popping related to sexual intercourse.

    Right, I’m done posting, this left-liberal university essay bollocks won’t write itself

  63. on 26 Apr 2010 at 6:53 pm All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    @RJ’s FB

    Well, I’m working (I might even post at 1:42 AM, you never know). Hence multiple posts as well. I’m actually sort of hoping that not-a-twat ups the trolling ante a bit, there’s nothing like an easy target to distract one from work.

  64. on 26 Apr 2010 at 6:57 pm All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    Well, if you feed not-a-twat the right cues, (s)he’ll probably write most of that essay for you…

  65. on 26 Apr 2010 at 7:15 pm denial of twathood

    This is no laughing matter.Those generals aren’t joking.
    Which Flann O’Brien book? The Poor Mouth,in the english translation.It’s funny.Apparently it’s a parody of ‘nationalist’ or ‘Irish revival’ literature.
    What’s the essay about?
    Wankology?I could help you with it.
    Listen,I’m not a troll,really.I’m just tired,that’s all.It makes me sad that you two guys are feeling all butthurt,just because I dazzled you a bit,and you got pwned and all.don’t worry.Stop acting all butthurt!

  66. on 26 Apr 2010 at 7:29 pm All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    @denial of trollhood

    I can’t speak for RJ’s FB, but I’m not all butthurt, whatever the fuck that means. Post here for a while and you learn to get an extreeeeeeemely thick skin.
    YES, we know the generals aren’t joking. However, if it’s in here, then it is a laughing matter. Really, it is. We especially like laughing at people blowing up and, erm, over-reacting…

  67. on 26 Apr 2010 at 8:02 pm trollocaust denier

    @All New Lurker
    Well,it’s good to know that here at least a person can comment without fear of being ‘moderated’ or having his door kicked down by the PC Brigade.
    Re:Butthurt

    If you look up Encyclopedia Dramatica you will find a helpful explanation of this all important psychotherapeutic term,and lots of other interesting stuff besides..
    here is a sample cut&pasted

    from Polish Lollercaust
    The date is 4/10, the air is crisp and the hum of the propellers droning dimly in the background is complimented by the soft snores of your second in command. You are the president of Poland and life is good, you are finally getting over the whole Polandball incident and may even one day into space. You have been out celebrating the 70th anniversary of a huge massacre in which thousands of Polish intellectuals and prisoners of war were owned hard by the Ruskies, and you are currently flying over the dastardly commie bastards with some sweet Elton John blasting out of the radio, not to mention your country has recently stumbled upon a huge reserve of valuable natural gas. All is going well, you are making good time when OMG, the attack happens!

    it gets more tasteful as it goes on.

  68. on 26 Apr 2010 at 9:20 pm Kris

    I wouldn’t mind all the people trolling SYB with their unwanted opinions if they weren’t so fucking boring. Just when you think N**l C***g has gone for good some other dull fuck shows up and tries to make some kind of point.

  69. on 26 Apr 2010 at 9:42 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bone

    @trollocaust denier, denial of twathood etc etc

    See, I thought we were all going to be lovely internet thread friends, and then you used the phrase “having his door kicked down by the PC Brigade”, in what appears to be a serious tone and it made me sad.

    I hope I’m wrong in this instance, and I am simply not very receptive to your drollness. But if not…..well, nothing will happen. I’ll just remain sad, and ‘butthurt. Can’t say your post made it much clearer on what that means

    Oh, and someone look at the ‘xenophobe / phonebox’ anagram thing above, it’s funny, honest.

  70. on 27 Apr 2010 at 7:04 am All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    @RJ’s FB
    That xenophobe thing is excellent!

    @gigatwatt

    Well,it’s good to know that here at least a person can comment without fear of being ‘moderated’ or having his door kicked down by the PC Brigade.

    Hee, hee, hee. Hee, hee, hee. Kelvin, are you out there? Got a job for you! (Rubs hands in anticipatory glee)

  71. on 27 Apr 2010 at 8:00 am That Bloke in the Corner

    mmmmm, butthurt, sounds a bit American to me. Has SYB ‘cracked’ the States now? It’s the British (not Ingerlish) Irony Invasion.

  72. on 27 Apr 2010 at 8:13 am All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    Just when you think N**l C***g has gone for good some other dull fuck shows up and tries to make some kind of point.

    Ah, that takes me back, that does. I tried making a point in here, once. *wallows in nostalgia for lost innocence*

  73. on 27 Apr 2010 at 8:42 am Molehill

    …or having his door kicked down by the PC Brigade.

    If it takes a whole PC brigade to kick down a door, why does everyone fear them so much? You only need one SAS squad, or a single K-B handslap to do the job properly.

  74. on 27 Apr 2010 at 8:58 am Ceannair

    @”not” (sic) a twat

    Runrig are Scottish you thick possums penis pouch!

    By the way all, he’s not read Flann O’Brien, he just heard The Third Policeman when wanking over Lost.

  75. on 27 Apr 2010 at 9:09 am Bugrat

    I wouldn’t mind all the people trolling SYB with their unwanted opinions if they weren’t so fucking boring. Just when you think N**l C***g has gone for good some other dull fuck shows up and tries to make some kind of point.

    It’s Google. They search up their own usernames, only to find themselves getting the piss ripped out of their pearls of twatdom here. It rankles. Then they fail to understand that getting all huffy makes it worse (i.e. more fun).

  76. on 27 Apr 2010 at 9:29 am Ugly Newt

    mmmmm, butthurt, sounds a bit American to me

    It could also be an Englander (not Brit) who learned all their slang from US-centric websites because nobody’d speak to them in the playground. That might be preferable – I don’t know whether Nelson’s leet tracking skills stretch to US “cellphones”, or if they’ll be affected by the timezones.

  77. on 27 Apr 2010 at 9:32 am A GUMBS, Rise Yorkshire, Rise!

    A glance at History will tell us that Yorkshire MUST stand on her own two feet. That will require Yorkshire brains, Yorkshire confidence… Yorkshire guts. Sometimes I wonder if we have lost it all.

    It is truly amazing how quickly the lessons of History are forgotten in Yorkshire today. Those who forget the past…are doomed!

  78. on 27 Apr 2010 at 9:52 am Mr Moth

    If they are quoting Encyclopedia Dramatica then there is a vet real possibility that they’re related to 4Ch*n and must be exterminated immediately, lest the rest of their kind invade the comments and render the site unreadably annoying. It will be like the blah filter is on… only it isn’t.

  79. on 27 Apr 2010 at 10:14 am All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    I just had a look at gigatwatt’s pet project, Encyclopedia Dramatica.

    Can I just say that gigatwatt is a cunt? I mean, heck, I’m a cunt, but he’s a cunt’s cunt.

    Hey,I’m sure the Generals of the Third Reich might know a tad more than any Joe Citizens regarding these wild accusations of a deliberate policy of genocide! These Joe Citizens who claim to have survived Dachau,Auschwitz and so on are just Joe Citizens after all! They’re not even Generals! Trust whatever the Generals Say!
    Because they are Generals!

    Trust a cunt to bring a straw-man argument to a nuclear exchange debate…

  80. on 27 Apr 2010 at 10:44 am Masked Debator

    @Kris

    Just when you think N**l C***g has gone for good . . .

    I’m so punch-drunk from all the election coverage I thought for a moment you were talking about Nick Clegg, and I’d missed an important news bulletin. Politics is exhausting.

  81. on 27 Apr 2010 at 10:55 am Rotwatcher

    Whoever or whatever posted this,I lost interest in whatever you were getting at when you wrote
    He also posted this at 1.42am, so he’s probably also either a jobless and gormlessblockquote>

    I know I’m being thick because loads of you have responded to this, but I don’t know what he’s on about, nor who he is. Who posted what and where? Is he Gumbs, Deutsch or Black and if so, which? And how does anyone know? Please tell me I don’t have to trawl through the comments on that Times article – I’d rather rinse my eyes in bleach.

  82. on 27 Apr 2010 at 10:56 am Rotwatcher

    Fucking blockquote fail.

    Whoever or whatever posted this,I lost interest in whatever you were getting at when you wrote
    He also posted this at 1.42am, so he’s probably also either a jobless and gormless

    I know I’m being thick because loads of you have responded to this, but I don’t know what he’s on about, nor who he is. Who posted what and where? Is he Gumbs, Deutsch or Black and if so, which? And how does anyone know? Please tell me I don’t have to trawl through the comments on that Times article – I’d rather rinse my eyes in bleach.

  83. on 27 Apr 2010 at 10:57 am Rotwatcher

    Come on, you dozy cunt, see if you can get it right the third time.

    Whoever or whatever posted this,I lost interest in whatever you were getting at when you wrote
    He also posted this at 1.42am, so he’s probably also either a jobless and gormless

    I know I’m being thick because loads of you have responded to this, but I don’t know what he’s on about, nor who he is. Who posted what and where? Is he Gumbs, Deutsch or Black and if so, which? And how does anyone know? Please tell me I don’t have to trawl through the comments on that Times article – I’d rather rinse my eyes in bleach.

  84. on 27 Apr 2010 at 10:59 am Goldstein

    I thought that too. It can’t be Clegg though because you’ve already guessed the ‘g’ and only got one.

  85. on 27 Apr 2010 at 11:01 am Oaf

    I’d rather rinse my eyes in bleach.

    I have some ammonium ferricyanide you can use.

  86. on 27 Apr 2010 at 11:42 am All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    @Rotwatcher

    A troll decided he didn’t agree with the Most Sacred Point of View of SYB and that therefore Dizzy was a twat. (Also, I’m a dickhead and Ceannair is from Scotland, both incorrect.)

    Said troll then posted repeatedly under different names, mostly saying that “the generals aren’t joking” and “this is serious”. Which is kind of patronising, really – I would never have guessed that the generals weren’t joking, although now that I come to think of it, I’ve never seen a general on open mike night at my local comedy club.

    Current opinion is that the troll is probably not a troll, and is probably not a SYB regular pretending to be a troll, but is definitely a twat. Ha, see, that’s the problem with bandying around the word “twat” on this site so much. The word loses its value. Along comes an actual, real twat, and there’s just no satisfaction in labelling him as such. I even call myself a twat, but next to this guy I’m as squeaky-clean as a ten-foot mural of Hello Kitty sucking off the Care Bears.

  87. on 27 Apr 2010 at 12:06 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bone

    @ Ceannair

    By the way all, he’s not read Flann O’Brien, he just heard The Third Policeman when wanking over Lost.

    I can’t speak for Twat etc., but personally, I discovered Flann O’Brien after reading James Joyce and savouring the delights of Irish satire. I found O’Brien delightfully subverted Joyce and the Modernist metafiction was an alluring – no, you’re right, I found it whilst wanking over Lost.

    By the way, to even know The Third Policeman is referenced in Lost, I think you may have been doing some masturbatory activity over Sky 1 yourself. Or at least dry-humping something..

  88. on 27 Apr 2010 at 12:08 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bone

    That first bit was supposed to be in blockqoutes, like this:

    By the way all, he’s not read Flann O’Brien, he just heard The Third Policeman when wanking over Lost.

    They’re fickle them blockquotes.

  89. on 27 Apr 2010 at 12:22 pm All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    Essay going well, is it? :-)

  90. on 27 Apr 2010 at 12:27 pm All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    Why anyone would wank over Lost beats me. Shannon was killed off in the first series, and Kate never put on Shannon’s bikini. That leaves Hurley, and, em… that’s Lost lost right there. (See what I did there?)

  91. on 27 Apr 2010 at 12:31 pm My Pockers Hurt

    a ten-foot mural of Hello Kitty sucking off the Care Bears

    That’s my mother’s birthday present sorted.

    Cheers.

  92. on 27 Apr 2010 at 12:40 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bone

    @ All New Have Your Lurk

    Who said it was to do with the women? I wank over the narrative structure, timing the climax to coincide with the inevitable twist / cliffhanger in the end of every single episode.

    Yeah, I’ll leave. Need some fresh air anyway.

  93. on 27 Apr 2010 at 1:01 pm All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)

    There’s a narrative structure in Lost? News to me… After finishing the second series, I got fed up and just read the episode summaries on the web, and imagined the main characters standing around talking on the beach. Saved tons of time! Now I’m just waiting for the smoke monster action figure to come out.

  94. on 27 Apr 2010 at 1:47 pm Ugly Newt

    Now I’m just waiting for the smoke monster action figure to come out.

    You’ll have to get it on import – the UK version will be covered in mandatory health warnings, with detailed pictures of what your hands and genitals will look like after all that wanking over literary references.

  95. on 27 Apr 2010 at 2:06 pm Kris

    Goldstein

    I thought that too. It can’t be Clegg though because you’ve already guessed the ‘g’ and only got one.

    You win this round, Goldstein, but I’ll be back!!!

  96. on 27 Apr 2010 at 2:50 pm SoulBoy

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/election/article-1268822/Nurses-bear-brunt-NHS-cuts-thousands-face-sack-election.html#

    60% of NHS staff are fatcat managers on £300K a year…

    And all they want to do is make cuts below themselves!!!

    SICK & GREEDY.
    - John, Sunny Donny, 26/4/2010 6:44

    Currently the second most highly recommended comment. I’d be interested to see Johnny Donny’s proof of those stats. I suspect he worked them out on the back of the same fag packet that Jack Black used in the original post.

  97. on 27 Apr 2010 at 2:53 pm gigatwot

    You guys are like,soooo butthurt.

  98. on 27 Apr 2010 at 3:22 pm Ceannair

    <blockquote?By the way, to even know The Third Policeman is referenced in Lost, I think you may have been doing some masturbatory activity over Sky 1 yourself. Or at least dry-humping something..

    Yep – Prison Break, Bones and reruns of Angel.

  99. on 27 Apr 2010 at 3:22 pm Ceannair

    Damn you blockquotes!!!!!

    By the way, to even know The Third Policeman is referenced in Lost, I think you may have been doing some masturbatory activity over Sky 1 yourself. Or at least dry-humping something..

    Yep – Prison Break, Bones and reruns of Angel.

  100. on 27 Apr 2010 at 3:23 pm Lurker in a Burkha

    You’re telling me, my proctologist has hands the size of shovels and the touch of a rapist.

  101. on 27 Apr 2010 at 5:32 pm Sergeant MacCruiskeen

    I’ve not seen Lost, is it about a bicycle?

  102. on 28 Apr 2010 at 12:12 am Bugrat

    I’ve never watched Lost.

    ..and I don’t know Catherine Oliver (using any interpretation of the word, ‘know’).

    I read At Swim-Two-Birds in 1966 and The Third Policeman in the mid-70s; do I win the golden hurley stick?

  103. on 28 Apr 2010 at 12:34 am Dizzy

    @not a twat

    Look, I only managed to get up the energy to hilariously edit one of your posts – because you just churn out depressingly familiar ill-formed bollocks – but let’s just agree with my central, long-held premise:

    anyone who thinks that churning out largely incorrect diatribes on military history and strategy at 1.42am on Times Online overrides any knowledge that a few 90 year old generals who served through several wars have is a massive twat.

    Get a fucking job, eh?

  104. on 28 Apr 2010 at 4:14 pm not a twat

    If it’s largely incorrect it will still be incorrect at 4.37pm won’t it Dizzy?
    WTF does the employment status of said twat have to do with anything? Paul Dacre-he’s gainfully employed. Fred West-hardworking self employed builder.

  105. on 28 Apr 2010 at 4:21 pm not a twat

    Or how about Vlad The Impaler? Hardworking ummm,impaler.

  106. on 29 Apr 2010 at 12:03 am Dizzy

    Arguing with you, sir, is like arguing with a giant twat on the internet. Because if I did it, then that’s exactly what I’d be doing. Please, leave the depressing arguments for CiF, and also get a job.