Definitely not the chewing gum, then
By DizzyI was disappointed that no-one at the Times was agreeing with the idea that spending £1.4m a day for the next 20 years on something that’s never going to get used was just fucking brilliant, so I went over to HYS. Among the people sensibly discussing the real-world policy implications of such a move, I found leambloke making the only sensible argument.
Trident was a weapon and deterant of a totally different time and enermy. It does not fit in with todays enermy as they know we wouldn’t use it.
It should be kept until a more suitable deterant or weapon is developed that would scare the bejesus out of terrist like the Taliban and Al-Quieda or even some of the more unstable Middle East nation like Syria Iran etc.
Be prepared to use it as a show of intention not just keep it lockd away in the tubes of subs gathering dust and costing a small fortune to maintain.Either way, non of the current political leadership would dis-arm unilaterally as there is too much political outfall.
leambloke
See, that’s where we’re going wrong! Everyone’s complaining because they want to spend £100bn on something that’s out of date and not going to get used, but with all these people pointing out that there’s no-one to fire them at, only leambloke has managed to come up with the perfect, obvious, middle-of-the-road solution to everyone’s problems – just use the bastards anyway! Defy expectations! I’m glad leambloke is around to remind us that the option to fire nuclear missiles is always there, at least until Dr. Strangelove comes up with the Doomsday Machine.
Thanks to Dan for pointing out this next one:
A friend of mine has a painted biscuit tin hanging on a nail outside his house. He’s never been burgled. All the deterrent value of a real burglar alarm, without the expense.
So instead of wasting £80 billion on real nuclear missiles, why not just make some hollow metal shells and release lots of photos of them? They’ll never actually be put to the test anyway, so it’s a complete waste of money to make weapons that will never be fired. But if people think we have them, they’ll still work as a deterrent.
Graphis
Spot on. That rusty old tin of Peek Freans that your mate painted white and scribbled “BUGLER ALLARM” across in red marker is exactly the model of deception we’re looking for. I look forward to a nuclear defence policy that consists of sixty cardboard missiles with Geoff Hoon hiding behind them going “woosh, woosh, eeeeooooooowwwww”.
I’m not kidding, that’d be fucking awesome.
Our independent nuclear deterrent is worth much more than the 80bn pounds (upper estimate)it would cost to replace. Without nuclear weapons, we would lose our permanent seat on the UN security council (I don’t know if you’ve noticed but all the other countries are nuclear powers), lose our remaining influence in the world and become relegated to becoming a backwater European power on the same level as the Netherlands. From here, we’d lose preferential trade agreements and much of our strong negotiating position, the cost to the economy as we became more and more irrelevant would be huge. This is all quite apart from losing the industry which depends on the maintenance of nuclear weapons in this country.
Nuclear weapons are about a lot more than just causing untold destruction and it is important that people remember this before just thinking about the upfront cost of a replacement.
Anthony
Also, I heard they’re kicking us out of the Tufty Club because Gordon Brown only looked one way when he crossed the street. That’s much worse, because getting kicked out of the Security Council would only lose us our right to go first in the queue at the UN cafeteria, but getting kicked out of the Tufty Club would mean the nice policeman wouldn’t come and do his puppet show at Parliament.
67 Responses to “Definitely not the chewing gum, then”
Scrap trident. Replace it with a continuous chain of floating wind turbines surrounding the UK (it’d have to go over the land a bit in Ireland). Attach machine guns to the blades of the turbines. Neither bombs nor immigrants could swim/boat/fly past the screen of bullets. We’d be completely protected from all outside threat, and we’d be the world leader in green energy production.
Also it would cost £1bn less than keeping trident, so we’d be saving money. It’s flawless. Anyone who disagrees is a bigot and can fuck right off.
I don’t understand the relevance of the title.
“Definitely not the chewing gum, then”
@John Terry’s Mum – the new nuclear deterrent is going to be called Juicy Fruit.
Does that help at all?
So instead of wasting £80 billion on real nuclear missiles, why not just make some hollow metal shells and release lots of photos of them?
did this guy a lot of good http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JUL-l6ov10
Personally I like leambloke’s use of the word ‘bejesus’ – It makes him sound like a leprechaun.
I agree Felna; I also like the way he spells terrorist as ‘terrist’, like how George Bush pronounces it. Surprised he doesn’t spell nuclear ‘nucular’…
And what the fuck has anthony got against the Dutch?!
Nuclear weapons are about a lot more than just causing untold destruction
You tell ‘em, Anthony. It’s just typical for people to think it’s all about blowing up cities and vaporising the population, but they never make the effort to see all the good that nuclear bombs do.
Now, I know for a fucking fact that I put blockquotes into that fucking post. And I know for a fucking fact that they were fucking correct, because you don’t see things like /blockquote> in my fucking post. Yet here I am, looking even more like the cunt I am because of yet another cocksucking, nun-banging, clit-clenching blockquote fucking FAAAAAAILLLLLLLLLL.
@All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)
You used two closing blockquote tags. So it parsed them, but you failed anyway.
That was humorous, though.
Ah, er, thanks. *coughs in embarrassment, reaches for coat*
Does Graphis not suspect that we’re already using dummies, and that the billions they allegedly cost were in fact spent on limousines and hotel rooms for asylum seekers?
‘Enermy’? That’s some quality spelling.
That said, I recently wrote to my MP about Trident replacement and he replied (in one line) that he supports our nuclear ‘deterent’. Maybe he and leambloke are the same person.
Obviously, my MP is a camel’s clunge.
Anthony’s point about trade agreements is excellent. Never mind about improving our products and manufacturing methods to be competetive – we just need to say buy our stuff or we’ll nuke the fuck out of you.
Lurker in a Burkha
” the new nuclear deterrent is going to be called Juicy Fruit.
Does that help at all? ”
Eh, no.
@John Terry’s Mum
In addition to denoting long steel tubes containing rocket fuel and plutonium warheads, Trident is also the name of a popular brand of chewing gum. Replacing one of them is going to cost £1.50 per packet.
Masked Debator
He obviously meant “nuclear detergent”. If I’m whiter-than-white.
Having worked and holidayed in the Netherlands, I say the sooner we get rid of the bombs the better. Who doesn’t want to smoke a fat one after work?
Wait a minute, that’s what I do anyway – keep the bombs! no loose them! yes! no! damn it, to much pot has fried my brains – I know, bomb the Dutch!
leambloke seems to think (though it’s difficult to tell) that we should replace a weapon of mass destruction that is pretty indiscriminate with one that targets people with somewhat darker skin than him.
I suppose instead of yield selection that nukes have, it would have some sort of dial, like the ones on toasters, to specify the hue of the group to be killed.
Fantastic! Actually, i suspect that such a dial already exists on modern light-energy weapons like that laser Boeing thing. Brownness absorbs more energy than lightness, so if you set the energy of the laser correctly then Browns get toasted whilst Pasties just get warmed. Nature effectively has racism built in, which proves that Hitler was right.
In conclusion, we need lazerplanez.
[blockquote]Actually, i suspect that such a dial already exists on modern light-energy weapons like that laser Boeing thing[/blockquote]
Being a geek again, ‘Star Cops’, the long-forgotten BBC sci-fi series from the 1980s, did have laser pistols which could be set to only target certain skin pigments. It was never used, but it was mentioned.
Obviously I am able to tell the difference between fiction (such as ‘Star Cops’) and reality (such as ‘Doctor Who’)
@jpr
Finally there is someone worse at managing blockquotes than I.
On this debate in HYS, Derick wrote:
That is up there with Magritte’s Ceci n’est pas un pipe.
Just one more and then I’ll stop. Promise.
gt0808 has this to say:
Which I suppose explains why the Russkies could never manage to infiltrate them.
Except in that documentary film about magic alien skulls I saw on a plane once.
I am just imagining an army of Mean Machine Angels* going to war against the forrins. Just hope Our Boys remember their sunblock.
*Ask Neil
And on that geeky note, its POETS day.
Trident is a lost cause now, the idea is to fire it at the enemy and nuke them, but as they are all already living here, we would nuke ourselves.
Best resort to the old gun and baynot. They do not like it up them.
@SoulBoy doesn’t Dredd’s Lawgiver MK1 have a dial on it also?
@Tim
Not only did you fail to put that in blockquotes, but you failed add any comment of your own. In fact, it almost looks like you meant to post that as your own sincere comment. Did you end up here by accident while looking for HYS?
Dredd’s Lawgiver has 6 settings (according to the RPG). Mean Machine only went up to 4. That’s why Dredd beat Mean Machine.
Dredd’s Lawgiver fired six types of bullet, which were dial-selectable. Plus he could screw on a special heat-seeking bullet that was slow enough for criminals to see it coming and say something satisfyingly repentant but ultimately futile.
Mean Machine, on the other hand, had four scales of meanness, the highest of which, 4, approximated to the level of anger expressed by a typical HYS twat who votes BNP while sleeping.
That is to say, a HYS twat (who votes BNP at election time, while awake) while sleeping.
Sleep-voting eh? Just imagine the horror of waking late on polling day with the vague feeling that you’ve voted BNP in your sleep.
Is Tim’s baynot some kind of anti-herb thing?
@Loumo
Must be. Them forrins like herbs and shit in their food, so if you can find an anti-herb you’ve got them over a barrel. Slip a bit of anti-herb up them, and when it comes into contact with any herbs it will be annihilated with a huge release of energy, destroying the forrin.
A namechange to 2000ADReturnsForReal is called for here surely?
It’s an anti-bayonet. As in bay-NOT. Like a do-no card.
They’re all our poor brave troops get to use since the PC Brigade took over the army. Also, the guns have flags that pop out saying ‘bang!’ when you pull the trigger instead of bullets. All in all, it’s an improvement.
@Bugrat
Thanks, for the suggestion. Done!
The poster formerly known as All New Have Your Lurk (Now With Humour!)
Fan-fucking-tastic. It does not better better/worse than that.
Ok, I’m at work, and I posted that by accident. So leave the obvious errors alone, you’ll gain no satisfaction from it.
It should say:
“Fan-fucking tastic. It does not get better/worse than that”
Sorry to multiple post, I’ll fuck off after this one.
Yeah, because I’m sure that happens all the time. The submarines surface, after circling the UK or whatever they do, and someone goes, “fucking hell they’re a bit dusty, someone pass the Mr. Sheen.*”
*the furniture polish, not the actor
Maybe I am showing my age here, but I am sure this was a Viz top tip circa 1986.
Nah, I don’t think it was. One of the defining features of Viz Top Tips was that it was actually funny.
Back when Viz was funny. Do I win five pounds?
No, five sestertii.
@Squaxx de Thargo…
Since Prog 1, man, since Prog 1.
Mean got stuck on 4 and a half once, IIRC. Butt Frenzy. Butted his head through a wall, and broke the chains holding Dredd.
Yeah, it’s the cape with the big eagle on the back, ta…
I don’t have a biscuit tin painted white smashed to the outside of my house, and I’ve never been burgled. Although maybe that’s due to all the knives and dead animals I’ve nailed to my front door.
Tesco value detergent wipes are excellent for polishing off those dusty nukes, if anyone gives a shit about the cleanliness of our WMDs. Probably those tarts off the telly who bint on constantly about grout and mildew.
Only Cillit Bang can clean those embarrassing plutonium stains from incontinent ballistic missiles.
@ad ho
Wow, good for your kitchen, good for Chernobyl
Heh. Glad to see it occured to someone else that we don’t actually need to upgrade Trident, we just need to tell everyone that we did
MEIN FURHER! I CAN WALK!
What about benefit thieves? Will it deter them?
@john Adair’s Gerbil
D’ye still have your free space spinner?
http://www.internationalhero.co.uk/2000ad.htm
The weird thing about the Space Spinner is that it needs an atmosphere in which to work. Tried it in a vacuum once, and >hk<
I’ve never met an anthony who wasn’t a complete and utter cunt.
I submit that it is perfectly possible to be called Anthony and not be a complete and utter cunt.
I submit there’s another Anthony that ruins it for the rest of you.
Fair point, but I object to a couple of bad Anthonys ruining it for all Anthonys everywhere. What about our human rights? And where does it leave Antoinettes?
I find that Anthonies deserve all they get, especially if they shorten it to Ant, in which case they must be immediately crushed, or burnt under a magnifying glass. I imagine that the Antoinettes will also be getting in the neck, and rightly so.
But that leads me to wonder – has anyone considered replacing Trident with a giant magnifying glass, so we can just burn our enemies to death with a Big Ray? Sure, we’d need to avoid cloudy days when attacking the blackamoors/Johnny Reds/Irish/Scots, but it’s certainly nuclear-powered.
Probably harder to polish though.
As an auntie to an Anthony, I am very much anti the angsty anti-Anthony antipathy expressed therein.
Right, I’ll fuck off, shall I? Right.
Going off-topic here, but HYS is asking people what they think about the Louisiana oil spill.
Vronsky says:
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Try untangling that spaghetti meatball of cause and effect.
@Have Your Lurk
I believe that sentence should read;
‘HYS is asking people what they completely failed to think about the Louisiana oil spill.’
I would also have accepted;
‘HYS is asking people to shout like fucking halfwits about how Obama is a Kenyan socialist who caused the oil spill on purpose because he hates your family.’
A friend of mine has a painted biscuit tin hanging on a nail outside his house that says “gorilla alarm”. He’s never been attacked by gorillas. All the deterrent value of a real gorilla alarm, without the expense.
anyone seen this?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/haveyoursay/2010/05/how_should_society_work.html#P95645092
WHY WHY WHY, did they ask THAT?
“To improve this something else down the line has to suffer. Nowhere have I seen anyone tackling our appalling birth rate especially amongst single parents and the always visible ‘yummy mummys’. Nowhere have I seen that whichever party gets in at the next election a return to teaching manners might be on the cards. As a nation we have become incredibly rude, arrogant, impatient and petulant, all four traits can be observed if you take a car out for half an hour, especially around school time.”
I think his motives for driving around at school time are highly questionable.
Yes, parturition for married fuglies only. The resultant unattractive offspring, grown up, will themselves be so off-putting to future potential spouses that most will remain single and therefore not allowed to reproduce, and so the birth rate continues to fall generation after generation. Sheer genius.
"I will always choose a ‘lazy person’ to do a difficult job because, definitely he will find an easy way to do that..!" – Bill Gates
I have deep stretch marks will this help to vanish them?