spEak You're bRanes

Ever wondered if you’re a bastard? Ever wondered if, when you leave the room, people call you a twat behind your back?

Well, fate has now designed a simple test – the asylum seekers freezing to death in a truck test.

Remember, your responses will be weighted against those of normal, reasonable people with at least three picograms of compassion.

Should have requested asylum in France.
M x

Oooh. So close, but sorry, M x, you failed. I gave you bonus points for not actually saying it’s their own fault, but I’m afraid that you lost them all again because you’re shit.

So, the “migrants, thought to be Afghans” can speak ‘broken English’, competently use a mobile ‘phone and tell a heart-rending story about a child losing consciousness.

But, they don’t realise that a refrigerated truck gets cold. How strange.

No doubt “their lives will ALL be in danger” if deported. How unusual.
Bob Smyth

Damn right. In this massive, complicated web of deception they constructed in order to get into England and steal your wheelie-bin, they were smart enough to pull this ‘nearly freezing to death’ stunt in France where the funeral costs are actually 8% lower. They’re crafty little shits and no mistake.

They are not immigrants they are economical migrants and should be called such if they where true asylum seekers then by law they should have claimed asylum in the first county they came too.

But wait the Uk is no where near there, it must be for the benefits the sooner we crack down and stop benefits to foreigners the better.

Where is the nasty Tory party Labour keeps going on about, will some one not rid us of this culture of giving everything away to foreigners and treating English people like scum?
Top Cat

They certainly are economical migrants. You can’t get travel much cheaper than locking yourself in the back of a freezer truck, can you?

By the way, you all failed the test. Your punishment is to be locked in the back of a refrigerated lorry and driven to a country where you barely speak the language or understand the culture. England, for example.

Thanks to thetastysoup for finding these on the subject of swanky new bacteria with synthesised DNA.

You can’t control evolution.
It only takes one of these bacteria to mate with another and you have serious and posibly extinction problems.
Not a good idea.
Hairy Dog

It’s alright, they’ve genetically engineered these ones to be homosexual bacteria-boys. They can hump each other til they’re blue in the membrane and never create anything more terrifying than that episode of Doctor Who where Bernard Cribbins kept bursting into tears and trying to tell The Doctor how much he loved him.

I love this next comment for the sheer exuberance with which Chezobarth7 throws unrelated sentences together.

Before this study continues we need to be sure that the “bacteria” doesn’t mutate like all other organisms in this world do. We all know computers have flaws. This scientist is just in way over his head and he needs to slow down. This could do more harm than good. This could be a step toward ending global warming or it could be a step towards mind control. Watch out it is 1984 all over again.
Chebozarth7

It absolutely, definitely is 1984 all over again. That’s the one where Dr Frankenstein tries to reverse climate change by making a mind-control hat and Richard Attenborough builds an amusement park full of microbes, right?

Dear Sirs,
As a physician, scientist, molecular geneticist and molecular biologist, I am deeply concerned about the implications of this endeavor. The multiple potential benefits of this experiment can instantly vanish by a single unforeseen catastrophic event.
AMMDO, MD, PhD
AndreUSP6

Thanks to Peter for introducing us to gereatricgeorge1932. Here are some choice cuts…

How far should undercover reporting go?

these newspapers are beyong the joke? does the word entrapment come to mind? they do anything to get headlines? never bothering about the damage they do to people’s lives? and remember she done nothing illegal? but of course it.s damaging for someone in her position? pity she never got the £500000 that would of taught the news of world a lesson? but i doubt it they seem to have pot’s of money at hand to write there sleaze?
gereatricgeorge1932

Who would make the best Labour Party leader?

gordon brown? 00ps sorry a labour supporter all my 78 years? david milliband? or let the deputy primeminister have a go? ladies get a fair chance in the labour party? or get a liberal? there always swapping about he he “bye”
gereatricgeorge1932

Gordon Brown resigns: Your reaction

i am not happy? yes im’e a labour voter? it seem’s a vote for the liberal’s is a vote for a tory? with the daily mirror only backing labour?sky and murdoch backing mr cameron plus £12000000+ pounds it all seems a waste of time and money? plus nothing to help our debts? i feel proportional reprpresentation is the only fair way to vote for the country’s goverment? % i will be very wary of any liberal from now on? and i definatly think there will be another election in less than 18 months? the differences between tory and liberals are to great?
gereatricgeorge1932

I like gereatricgeorge1932, who rises effortlessly above the omni-expert pomposity of the average HYSer thanks to his innovative approach to punctuation. Not only does it drain his pronouncements of all authority, it also modestly imbues them with a tone of incredulity, as if he can’t quite believe his own thoughts, like an alcoholic staring into the mirror, vomit-flecked and remorseful, as memories of the previous night come back to him through the piss-fog: “I ate a spider? I’m barred from A&E? I crashed the euro?”

For those who are interested in the court case I mentioned the other day, Kirk was convicted, given a conditional discharge and ordered to pay costs.

A few kind people expressed an interest in making a donation towards the costs. If you’d like to do so, please go here.

Thanks to everyone for the comments and emails.

You might also be interested to learn that the two owners of small-arms manufacturer Heckler & Koch are currently being sued by a group of investors who allege that they took €130 million out of the company and blew it on yachts, jets, helicopters and mansions. It’s gratifying to see these bastards facing a massive, whirling shitstorm of trouble but I can’t help approving of the idea that someone might take a truckload of money designated for helping an arms company, and piss it all up the wall instead.

Thanks to Sophia for these (from the Daily Mail I think).

The last two major plane crashes (this one and Tripoli) have both involved early morning landings, and the Polish president was also killed in a morning (although not early) landing
Could there be a common denominator?
Maybe something the authorities should take a look at.

RIP to all that died.
- Graham, Torrevieja Spain, 22/5/2010 11:28

You probably all heard about that plane crash in India and, like me, your first instinct was to start investigating it immediately. You most likely left yourself a message stuck to the fridge saying “Remember to think very hard about what causes plane crashes“. You didn’t do anything about it though did you? No. But Graham did. He was all over that shit while you lazy fuckers were sat there in your knickers, eating crumpets and swigging champagne. Not only that, but he also found the time to send a brief message of support to the dead.

Kind of puts your efforts in perspective doesn’t it? Think on.

why are there so many plane crashes these days?
and i do hope they find survivors, its a shame to not see your loved ones again.
- jack, scotland, 22/5/2010 12:28

What do you mean “why”? Did you even read Graham’s report??? They’re caused by MORNINGS you prick.

You’re right though, it is a shame.

Visit Openbook for all your facebook-status-to-yell-at-the-world needs. Liberal Conspiracy tried out “I’m not racist but…“. I tried it with “not racist but” and ‘paki’*.

POLICE ARE GOING AROUND CLUBS AND PUBS SAYING WE CAN’T WEAR OUR ENGLAND TOPS FOR THE FOOTIE AND GOTTA TAKE DOWN OUR FLAGS AS ITS UPSETTING PEOPLE THAT DON’T COME FROM HERE! NOW IM NOT RACIST BUT, THIS IS TAKING THE PISS! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY AND WE NEED 2 MAKE A STAND IF YOU DONT LIKE IT DONT BE HERE! WOULD YOU REMOVE YOUR TURBAN OR BURKHA BECAUSE IT UPSETS ME? THOUGHT NOT, IF YOU AGREE POST THIS AS YOUR STATUS. IF ANY PAKI TOLD ME TO TAKE MY ENGLAND SHIRT OFF I WOULD SPLATTER HIS PICKAXE NOSE…

It’s very easy to make fun of people who aren’t racist but, but I think we might be misinterpreting the phrase. To a layman, it seems like “I’m not racist but…” is a rubbish pre-emptive justification for saying something massively racist in an age where it’s unacceptable. But to the insider, it’s just a social formality, like “I’m fine thanks” when you’re sobbing uncontrollably and a little bit on fire. “I’m not racist but…” is probably just how racists clear their throats.

*Oh and what with prejudice being collective and everything, it works even better plural.

Not that we’ve exhausted our supply of clever and imaginative titles – we have an EU quota – it’s just that sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade. Or something.

Anyway, Olympic mascots. Bit weird, fair enough. Bit off the wall, yep. Bit of an odd stain around the groin area on one of them, okay. But I’m sure the kids are going to love them, right?

“According to Ali, aged 10, they are “weird and cool, and they remind me of aliens”. Zaynab, 11, loved the “bumps on the head that are like the Olympic podium”.”

I don’t want to appear crass or in anyway dismissive of these lads’ opinions, but isn’t it a little odd that with us being in England and all… these committees never seem to consult anyone English?
Byron Roberts

Yeah, because unless you consult people with names like Bill, or John, or Dave, or Nick, then opinions mean fuck all. Especially if they’re kids, and especially if you’re desperate to direct your ire and all the blame at someone, but you’re having difficulty finding someone brown to fit up for it. They were designed in Britain? Oh, well… hold on, Ali and Zaynab? Brown people??? How dare they go around asking brown kids what they think of decent, hard-working English stuff!

I’m guessing that when Byron reads the news, he doesn’t so much as read as scan for foreign sounding names so he can try out new ways to say racist things without sounding racist at all. I used the same trick here. See if you can spot how I did it:

“I’m not being crass or in anyway dismissive, but these kids with the foreign sounding names should fuck off back to where they came from.”

It works! That didn’t sound racist at all! Byron has much to teach us: by cleverly substituting the word “racist” in that comment that starts by declaring you’re not a racist, you can fool people into thinking that you’re crass and dismissive, instead of the racist dogfucker you are.

“I’m not into having sex with dogs, but I do think that there should be a law that requires all dogs to wear stockings, suspenders and silk knickers.”

I read that and I think the author likes having sex with dogs. But with some clever word play…

“I don’t want to sound all nanny state or anything, but I do think that there should be a law that requires all dogs to wear stockings, suspenders and silk knickers.”

Now I’m far too busy thinking that the author of that comment is in favour of the nanny state, and haven’t even thought about the second part where he suggests a law sexualising dogs!

If only someone had come up with this before the election. We could have had the BNP government we’d always dreamed of, just by swapping a few words around.

Scene: baseball game, Philadelphia. Seventeen year old runs on pitch for a larf, gives fat copper the runaround. Fat copper can’t catch seventeen year old, so pulls out a Taser and zaps the little bastard. Hilarity all round, except for the minor having a spasm about on the floor.

Knobhead on the Times applauds, loses thirty years from memory:

This is the sort of hardline approach to policing that wee need to adopt in the UK. Another example is the Times Square bomber – he’s been charged already. In the UK the police would still be gathering evidence! I live in Belfast, and if a US style police force was implemented here – the dissident paramilitaries would be a thing of the past.
Adam Leslie

Even better, send the troops in. That’ll show ‘em.

Generously-remunerated public servant decries massive base salary, suggests safeguards, stops shy of doing anything rash like giving any of massive base salary away or something. Prick replies.

Thanks to Dan.

Actually it would be fairly easy to deal with the massive debt problem in this country. Introduce conscription for the armed forces (5 year term), only allowing single people in. Dissolve the fire service and hand those duties and euipment to the armed forces. Privatise the health service, education and waste disposal services. Dissolve social security, the state pension and force public sector workers to fund there own pensions. Repeal all laws that do not tackle criminality, or hamper businesses and individuals with beaurocracy. Also ban divorce for good measure.

People will be forced to adapt and have a choice with education, health and having the family and church as a support network, not the state.

How much have I just saved the country? £430 Bn a year which after three years we’ll have have paid off the debt and could reduce taxes to about a fifth of what they are now. So pay 6% flat tax and no NI contributions anyone?
gordon beresford

I’m jumping to conclusions here, but I’m willing to bet that Gordon Beresford is married and rich, with a healthy portfolio of low-risk investments, and lives in a flame-retardant house. I bet he also runs a small business producing generic Viagra, his wife is threatening to leave him, and he’s an ugly, selfish green smear of gleet on the sofa of humanity.

When he’s not hanging around in playgrounds, he punches hamsters to death for sexual thrills, but he’s so jaded that nothing, nothing will ever again elicit even the faintest twitch in his withered, bitter dribble of a penis.

Yesterday he went to the town hall to deliver a petition demanding the closure of his local Sure Start centre, stopping on the way to steal a scratchcard off an old lady. But it didn’t win, so he kicked her. Then he took some change out of a busker’s hat, and force-fed it to a pigeon.

Except it wasn’t a pigeon, it was a baby.

Turns out, this entire blog has been an elaborate ruse to enable me to Have My Say.

This Thursday morning (20th May) a chap called Kirk will stand trial at Nottingham Magistrates’ Court. He’s been charged with aggravated trespass, for his part in a protest against an arms company (Heckler & Koch) known to sell its weapons to repressive regimes. There’s nothing unusual about arms companies doing that but Kirk’s (and his fellow protesters’) dedication in trying to stop the fuckers is depressingly rare.

Obviously, I need to have a comment from somewhere, so I’ll use this one.

We believe that one day the world will look back on the arms trade as we look back today on the slave trade, and wonder how it came about that such evil could abound in respectable society.

Bang on. We’re talking about an industry dedicated to selling devices for maiming and killing people. Our government (whoever they fuck they are this week) actively promotes this industry with public money. An industry built around selling ever increasing amounts of techno-masturbatory metallic death to anyone who’ll buy (and lets face it, the expanding markets for “devices designed to tear people apart” don’t tend to be peaceful, affluent regions). They’re dedicated to making more sales and making more money, as if they were peddling soup, sex-toys or sherbet fucking dib-dabs. This, for me, is the reason why sentences like “Why bother?” and “Do you really think you can stop the arms trade?” don’t even qualify as meaningful questions. The sane, human response to those who knowingly profit from peddling this misery and suffering should not be “considered”, “reasonable” or “balanced”. Fuck that. If you don’t feel it in your gut then you badly need to recalibrate your “giving a shit” module.

Supporters of the campaign to shutdown Heckler & Koch will be gathering outside the court on Wilford Street, Nottingham at 9:00am. Come along if you have the time and you’re nearby. Or maybe have a hunt around and find your local arms company. They’ll be skulking on an industrial estate in an unmarked unit, probably within a few minutes of where you live. Go and tell the black-hearted shits that they’re not welcome in your town.

Any journo types who are interested – please contact me. Kirk’s happy to give interviews on the phone on Wednesday or else in person outside the court before his trial.