Wabsnasm has kindly brought to our attention one ian cheese. I’ve been scrubbing myself raw ever since dipping into his bubbling pool of psychorrhea, but the stink will taint my nostrils until I die.
In order to answer this question correctly we need to know : a) the definition of existence: b) the definition of what we understand by the term ‘reality; c)are we also a form of aliens? &, if we are, to whom/what?
ian cheese
In order to answer your question correctly, cheese, I need to know: a) whether the philosophy A-level has got you laid yet; b) how many great western thinkers actually did also spend six desperate, fruitless years as car park attendants; c) do you want nuggets or fish fingers for tea? Your mum told me to ask you.
Now, I already know the answers to be: a) no; b) none; c) DON’T COME IN, MUM! DON’T COME IN! Therefore, I can tell you that: a) woah, you’ve blown all our minds, man; b) no, really, we’re proper impressed and that, mate, well done; c) she knows perfectly well what you’re up to in there.
Should politicians focus on family policies?
There should be a test for couples whether they can bring up children in a civlilsed & responsible manner i.e. to the Manor born.
ian cheese
And here’s another idea: passing the test could also win them the right to be shipped off to a Middle England utopia situated on an abandoned North Sea oil rig where they won’t bore the rest of us with their dull, heterocentric ‘family values’ i.e. Butterflies.
Prime Ministerial debate: Your reaction
Point really is: we all have to die, when we do, which should be the last image we have to put up with from these three contestants given a choice &, hopefully, none.
ian cheese
Shit, I didn’t realise we were voting for the last thing we’re ever going to see. I wonder if God blowing bubbles in pasties, sitting astride a donkey with human skin is standing in my constituency…
79 Responses to “Thinky Cheeses”
Difficult to type this post through the coffee apurted all over my monitor just now…
Spurted.
You would think with a surname like Cheese, Ian would keep quiet, but no being the masochist that he is he keeps on typing a shouting a loud yah boo sucks to world.
http://tinyurl.com/2uktdpp
Devon Dialect / Glossary
United Kingdom [UK]
A vocabulary containing, for the most part, such provincial words as are current among the common people of Devonshire.
Word: apurt
Translation:
sullen
Meaning:
sullen
Am I the only one not to see a title on Gainsbourg’s post?
The real tragedy is he thinks he’s being ever so clever.
So the right to have children is to be based on your knowledge of rubbish 80s sitcoms?
OK, when I said we should talk about cheese instead of politics, I didn’t really have ian in mind.
He forgot to put a title, ar. I titled it.
This is the sort of drivel that gives cod philosophy a bad name. I am sure he thinks he comes across as an alienated intellectual maverick but all I can think of is Monty Python:
“Lets pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere out in space ’cause there’s bugger all down here on Earth.”
Were you to slightly broaden the parameters, and this is a thought that will haunt you all, Richard Littlejohn would be the most virile man in Bri… Florida. Barely a week passes without an hilarious parody of Only Fools And Horses, Dad’s Army or Fawlty Towers in his column.
@Gainsbourg
Just curious, but why is:
the last thing you want to see? I could list several things that would brighten my last moments on Earth, e.g. Sandra Bullock naked, the Care Bears felching Hello Kitty, Stephen Hawking being forced to read HYS posts etc. etc. Just wondering what it is about God and the donkey.
Now I’m going to spend all day thinking of Sandra Bullock naked and will get no work done……..
Can we do a hilarious reference to Samuel Johnson’s refutation of Bishop Berkeley’s solipsism by kicking the cheese, hard and often?
You can actually enjoy a family-friendly version of Sandra Bullock naked in her film The Proposal, which came out a couple of years ago.
Here’s a foretaste.
http://theblemish.com/images/2009/07/sandra-bullock-the-proposal-01-500×334.jpg
Try getting any work done after that…
Urrgh! Nothing worse than drool on the keyboad.
*keyboard….damn!
Ten quid says it’s not drool.
mmm… I always had a suspicion that Penelope Keith was a crypto-fascist. But it takes a radical free-thinker like Mr. Cheese to transform an unvoiced nagging doubt into a clearly expressed idea. He’s a unique talent, in a manner of speaking.
(p.s. is ‘Thinky Cheeses’ suppossed to be a play on ‘Stinky Cheeses’? Or is that just a linguistic coincidence?)
Erm, I’m sorry, I was looking for amusing banter and I seem to have accidentally found a chat room for 14 year olds.
And I got in so much trouble last time that happened.
Great. Now I don’t know if I want fish fingers or not.
I’m thinking that A) We all die but then b) given that we’re simply a collection of particles are we ‘alive’ in the first place? and c) that makes us more analogous to a wave in the sea, made up of temporary configurations of particles BUT if waves liked to eat fish there’d be no fish fingers in the first place so I think I’ll have the chicken nuggets please.
@TheViolentMajority
Banter, is it? By all means, please provide some.
Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Ordinary language philosophy just will not die. Somebody needs their genitals slamming in a copy of Philosophische Untersuchungen until they work out the difference between use and meaning.
@ Dirigible.
You can’t find love in the dictionary.
(A ‘deepity’ blatantly stolen from Dan Dennett’s lecture on ‘Use/Mention’ errors)
The precedent set by fish fingers suggests that any battered or breaded fingular product should be named a ” finger”, where denotes the common name of the matter which makes up the majority of the internal section of the product. I am therefore disappointed and distressed when I am unable to order or purchase chicken fingers, being forced instead to refer to these objects as chicken goujons or, occasionally, chicken strips. Why can’t we all just call a spade a spade, a trunk a boot and a bread-or-batter-coated-meat-slurry-rod-containing-at-a-minimum-fifty-one-percent-chicken-or-chicken-derived-matter a chicken finger?
HTML makes me loose.
And sloppy.
Someone mentioned Penelope Keith…
Forget Sandra Bullock, imagine Penelope’s ripe top-bollocks? Go on, do it.
It’s a powerful image – redolent with spunk!
Somebody needs their genitals slamming in a copy of Philosophische Untersuchungen
How do you do that if you’re a lady philosopher, exactly? I imagine there’s a Kindle involved in the equation somewhere.
Ha. Now, see, there’s a reason why my blockquote failed there. Trying to be funny, I put “bollockquote” instead of “blockquote” between the Anglo-Saxon brackets. And what do you know, but anything in angly brackets gets interpreted as a HTML tag.
Still, counts as a bollockquote FAAAAAAAAAAAAIL.
I fail your pain, lurk. You’re not alone.
Well, fuck off back to Dave then.
Same as for the gentleman thinker. Remove your undergarments, achieve a state of excitement (intellectual or otherwise), aim carefully, and beware paper cuts.
What do you mean “I see you’ve thought this through”?
I don’t know who this Dan Dennett chap is, but he’s a fucking liar. It’s on page 823 of mine.
Hmm. That rules out the Kindle with vibro-alert, then. (Although it does protect against paper cuts.)
I’ll stick with God and the donkey with human skin, ta.
@Lurker in a Burkha
What does it say? I’m trying to learn how to simulate human emotions, this ‘love’ thing sounds interesting.
@Kris:
A score of zero in tennis or squash
I see my identity is crisising between Now With Humour and Aged 14 3/4 & bit.
Sorry.
By the way, I think you can actually find love in the dictionary, if you slam said dictionary closed upon your Philosophical Percy and then think of Sandra Bullock naked. Or perhaps it’s the udder way round.
@Lurker in a Burkha
I am now simulating the human emotion known as ‘grudgingly amused rage’.
Time to bring back the Blah filter?
@Ire
Hint taken, I voluntarily blah-filter myself.
‘Bye all, and let’s keep it real intellectual now, y’hear?
‘The Cheese’ is pretty much one of the Regular Twats by now.
On “do animals deserve privacy?”, he says
It’s almost as if he wants to be compared to a chipmunk’s cheesy choad.
Way back before I dropped biology we regularly had to invade the privacy of frogs. Using scalpels. I’m not sure if it made me love them any more.
Sorry, couldn’t stay away.
I really like the way Cheese superciliously questions the nature of reality, the nature of existence et cetera, while taking HYS as a philosophical given.
And being a penguin’s putty-spurting penis, of course.
Brilliant idea. I pledge to blah filter all my comments, starting now.
Anyone who knows what Perl is can use my handy script to avoid the blah-bias which often occurs with manual filtering:
http://www.syb-blah-filter.codetrunk.com/f57a8eac
@ Soulboy
Richard Littlejohn makes references to 80s sitcoms and generally unfunny bullshit every single column because I, his funny bone, have not been in close proximity to him for a very long time. Perhaps ever. It’s about time the man did us all a favour and fucked off.
@Lurker in a Burkha.
Haha. Brilliant.
@ the actual point of the post.
I’m beginning to think I’ve reached my saturation point with this shit now. I think I’m going to just read the comments.They give me some amusement. Well, up until the likes of The Violent Majority spew their idiot-words everywhere at least.
Right, here goes with the blah filter. The following is one of my incredibly witty posts, after being put through BroomesWurn’s blah filter:
@ Have Your Lurk
A side view of a surfboard?
blah blah blah that blah blahdy blah blah you. blah blahdy blah deliberately blah? When blah blah blah blah blah blah blahdy blah blah tell.
H’m. We’ll try that again, shall we?
Shit. First my amazing “bollockquote” scheme comes unstuck and leaves my keyboard strewn with cum, then my attempt to have a great big empty blockquote containing nothing at all, thereby signifying the utter blahness of everything I say, goes belly-up as well.
That leaves my third and final plan for SYB, which is the Sandra Bullockquote. Will I try it, he wondered?
If anyone is attempting to hone their deep despair about the state of the human race, comments on MSN ‘news’ is always a good place to start.
Not many on this story, but a couple are cracking: http://news.uk.msn.com/world/articles.aspx?ucpg=1&cp-documentid=153267246#uc2Lst
I like the one that says this:
Where to start, where to start…
Not kidding, that’s a genuine Bullockquote. Really.
Actually, I’m kind of getting into the whole Sandra Bullock mindset. There’s so much Zen wisdom locked up in that lovely head.
Precious jewels, every one.
Lord Rant on the HYS “debate” about “How shoud society work?”:
As RJFB says, where to start…
@Have Your Lurk,
talking of precious jewels of Zen-like wisdom, I have always liked this one…
If you catch my drift.
Fuck, I’ve done it again…
Point taken.
blah,
blah a few blahdy blahdy blah blah blah as blah blah, blah, nubile blah blah all blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah blah I blah to learn blah this blah blah.
In the name of balance, is there not a site were loonie muslims/forrins/’socialists’ post vile comments?
I can imagine a mirror universe SYB where ‘witty’ nazis comment on the comments
Shh! It’s a cunning plan. We sell off all our industries (how much does a steel industry cost on today’s market, anyway?) to other countries, then let in enough Injuns, Yankees, Chinks and whatever the fuck the racist name for Spaniards until we’ve built up a 51% holding in each one.
That way, we have loadsa money, loadsa manypower fuckloadsa industries, AND an empire again! Anyone for tennis in Bombay?
Sorry there was no title, everyone. The dog ate it
…Missing comma, missing ‘is’, ‘manypower’ for ‘manpower’…
Bollocks.
@Philby
That website will never exist, because there is literally no one who is both right wing and funny. This is not an attack on them, it’s just a fact (FACT!!!). Their idea of funny is shoe horning a ZaNuLiebour ‘joke’ into every conversation, no matter how little Labour have to do with the topic.
For more information, please see the Mail Online comments sections, where amateur comedians give new meaning to the word amateur.
Consumer warning; Mail Online contains masses of unbridled fuckwittery, and may contain traces of BNP cunts.
Oh yeah, and Gainsbourg, you are forgiven, simply because the title Nelson came up with in your stead is just…well, it’s art.
I miss Kelvin
talking of peadophiles in positions of moral authority (prob’ly)… if you want a BIG leftie grin… click
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN002ejgC6I
I dunno. At first hearing it sounds extreme, but if I suggest starting with that bloke who draws the Marmaduke cartoons, it starts to seem more reasonable, doesn’t it?
@funny peculiar
I liked the bit with swearing.
@Sheepless,
Leave Marmaduke alone! I’d start with Bristow
Well, yeah. I mean, don’t kid yourself that HYS is just stuffed full of right wingers. It’s just that no-one trying to make a valid point on there that has a slice of reason anywhere in it, well, they may not be that smart – arguing on the internet is a clue, although arguing on the internet is also done by those not used to the kind of people you get on the internet – but they’re just not that funny.
AKB and Cogent Bunce are great examples of people who’d be called the loony left and socialist scumbags, and there’s someone on TimesOnline called Jayil who manages to be remarkably stupid about things you’d consider the realm of moderates.
Agree about AK-B, but hasn’t Cogent banged on about immigrants, typical HYS/Mail stylee, on occasions?
The evidence..
http://ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/2009/10/19/just-to-be-unbalanced/
My favourite bit is this:
Because he’s clearly narratively sound
Chaise Guevara:
Spic? (Well, actually for any Hispanic or Latino person, but I’m sure it suffices.)
Blah
(Am keeping my fingers crossed for a perfect blockquote…)
Andy:
Considered it, but wanted to be specific to make up for labelling Indians as Injuns. Suppose I could put that one down to Neanderthal pronunciation, though.
Jammin’ blockquoting there, BTW.
Chaise Guevara,
Ta chuck! I’m pretty pleased with the blockquote myself!
Well, I suppose if you’re going for specifics, paella-eater, perhaps? Though, of course, by definition that’s a slur on anyone who likes Rick Stein. It’s a pity “Dago” has been hijacked by the illiterate idiots who think “Italian” hasn’t got its own racial slur (“Wop” is so passe, apparently) and that you can link all the Mediterranean countries together. You know, the “being a racist cunt” movement really does need to set some intellectual standards… Oh, wait…
Personally, I think calling Arabs (and anyone who looks a bit Arab) ‘sand-niggers’ probably sets the bar for Laziest Racist Remark Ever.
Ian Cheese is the comedy creation of a friend of mine. He’s a character from a fictional 80s sitcom called ‘Chalk and Cheese’, following the everyday travails of frenemies/neighbours Ian Chalk, a left-wing teacher, and Ian Cheese, a right-wing grocer. I think he may even have written a script; it’s a shame he’s been transmogrified into a HYS loon.