Generously-remunerated public servant decries massive base salary, suggests safeguards, stops shy of doing anything rash like giving any of massive base salary away or something. Prick replies.
Thanks to Dan.
Actually it would be fairly easy to deal with the massive debt problem in this country. Introduce conscription for the armed forces (5 year term), only allowing single people in. Dissolve the fire service and hand those duties and euipment to the armed forces. Privatise the health service, education and waste disposal services. Dissolve social security, the state pension and force public sector workers to fund there own pensions. Repeal all laws that do not tackle criminality, or hamper businesses and individuals with beaurocracy. Also ban divorce for good measure.
People will be forced to adapt and have a choice with education, health and having the family and church as a support network, not the state.
How much have I just saved the country? £430 Bn a year which after three years we’ll have have paid off the debt and could reduce taxes to about a fifth of what they are now. So pay 6% flat tax and no NI contributions anyone?
gordon beresford
I’m jumping to conclusions here, but I’m willing to bet that Gordon Beresford is married and rich, with a healthy portfolio of low-risk investments, and lives in a flame-retardant house. I bet he also runs a small business producing generic Viagra, his wife is threatening to leave him, and he’s an ugly, selfish green smear of gleet on the sofa of humanity.
When he’s not hanging around in playgrounds, he punches hamsters to death for sexual thrills, but he’s so jaded that nothing, nothing will ever again elicit even the faintest twitch in his withered, bitter dribble of a penis.
Yesterday he went to the town hall to deliver a petition demanding the closure of his local Sure Start centre, stopping on the way to steal a scratchcard off an old lady. But it didn’t win, so he kicked her. Then he took some change out of a busker’s hat, and force-fed it to a pigeon.
Except it wasn’t a pigeon, it was a baby.
85 Responses to “Berestard”
My day has only just started, and I read the rabid dribblings of Gordon Beresford. Thanks Gordon, you prolapsed Racoon’s rectum, you have really helped me face another day in this place, in the safe knowledge that there are twats like you out there.
I’m back off to my corner.
Whew! What with people selling guns to evil dictators and all, it’s good to know that we can still laugh at people like Gordon Beresford, the most cheerless chaffinch’s chocha in the world. Probably.
Is beaurocracy rule by dandy highwaymen? I hadn’t realised the Prince Regent was still in charge. I rather like the idea.
“he’s an ugly, selfish green smear of gleet on the sofa of humanity”
Please, sir, what’s ‘gleet’, sir? Is it that new children’s programme on Channel 4?
Also “Repeal all laws that do not tackle criminality, or hamper businesses and individuals with beaurocracy”. Does he mean (a) don’t repeal laws that hamper businesses…, in which case he’s accidentally inserted a small crumb of sanity into his putrid ramblings, or (b) either (i) repeal all laws… or (ii) hamper businesses…? In which case, I pick (ii), please. Although, if we did repeal all non-criminal laws, that would mean no controls on immigration, and when the Berestwat realised what had happened, he would probably weep bitter tears of rage. Which would be good. The cunt.
That Gordon Beresford sounds like a fucking cunt.
take a look at Mister David Warner. He says he will empty his own bin…that sounds dead dirty.
It’s like someone took [mugged_as_mp_laughs] and replaced all the smug with knowing fuck all about economics.
Christ alive, what a cunt.
What a nice chap he sounds! A throwback to the halcyon days of the 90s when we all hankered back to Victorian standards: child prostitutes, gin palaces, workhouses and consumption. Bring back the empire so that those recalcitrant ne’erdowells (the working classes) can do their bit for Queen and country. That’ll solve the problem of weapons being sold to the wrong sort of people as our fine lads will be needing them themselves to teach Johnny Foreigner some manners. See, you can combine sound economic policy with morality.
What the fuck has the concept of divorce got to do with the national debt? He might as well call for the banning of sleeping on the sofa in order to pay for Trident.
I don’t think I’d mind being conscripted if I was allowed to augment my tank’s body armour by strapping Gordon to the front.
Gordon Beresford needs to be flown to Calcutta, gang raped and left to fend for himself on the streets.
If I’m right.
Won’t banning divorce need a law as well, and enforced conscription sounds like it’d require one too. Unless of course you can simply round up the working classes and herd them towards the enemy guns. I suspect he wanks himself to sleep reading Tennyson
Has he only just learned the word ‘dissolve’ and is looking to use it at every possible opportunity? And what are the odds that ‘repeal all laws that do not tackle criminality’ refers specifically to speeding and/or smoking in public places?
I thought perhaps he wanted the French Foreign Legion to run the country.
Love the concept of “forcing people to adapt” as a means to giving them “a choice”
Perhaps he meant it in Geste
You will adapt! Adapt to what, this is what I don’t get, if you come to England (Not Briton), what is it that they are exactly adapting too? The language, fair enough, but what else. Moaning about the fucking weather, supporting Man United whilst living in Kent, getting really drunk and violent, reading The Sun from the back page first, laughing at Only Fools and Horses, voting Tory…oh yeah now I see.
Gordon also thinks adultery should be punished, so that’s another area of “criminality” he is keen on establishing.
I reckon his last wife two timed him because he was such a fucking cunt.
I love the juxtaposition of ‘conscription for all single people’ and ‘ban divorce’. A glorious future of millions trapping themselves in lifelong, loveless marriages to avoid being turned into IED fodder, wondering how the fuck they’ll fund their retirements while paying their children’s school fees – their only pleasure when the vicar pops round for a cup of tea and brings them some Calpol donated at the last harvest festival.
Gordon Beresford is the biggest cunt in the entire universe.
I’ve just had a great idea. All we have to do is imprison every human being in a Matrix-style pod, sort out their basic biological needs through a series of machines, and let them scream out the rest of their lives.
Hey presto, no crime ever again.
I genuinely think I would have Gordon Beresford’s support in this proposal.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/election-2010/7692564/General-Election-2010-David-Cameron-has-had-this-coming-to-him.html
Turns out he lives in Canada. And fantasises about bending david cameron over a table.
Kill me now. Please. I’m sorry.
Well done Mrs Beresford Senior and it wasn’t as if abortion was illegal! You selfish cunt!
Gordon is a moron.
Basically what Gordon wants is an anarchy overseen by a religious/military dictatorship – well, good luck with that then.
I’m also surprised to hear that public sector workers don’t fund their own pensions – certainly the council I work for take a large chunk of my money each month and mark it as ‘Pension’. Maybe I should ask for this back and to be paid out of the large pot that Gordon has discovered instead.
I would really love to see Gordon’s Excel file where he’s worked out that he’ll save 430 billion a year and end up charging 6% flat tax. It probably has formulas in it like, IF(A2=IMMIGRANT LESBIAN BLACK MUSLIM SINGLE MOTHER)THEN(DEPORT(A2)) or something. Seriously, he just plucked these figures out of his head and bungs ‘em in to the white box on the screen and expects to be taken seriously? What a daft dingo’s ding-dong in a wallaby’s wagina.
My pay slip has had a large reduction on it marked as “pension” for years. I had assumed that I was buying a small holiday apartment somewhere in Greece without my knowledge. I was looking forward to visiting it, until Felna ruined everything above.
Come on Baby, let’s eat the rich.
These cunts will never stop moaning until Thatcher is back and kicking our sorry poor arses. Even this government isn’t enough for them, they will moan and fucking moan until Clarkson is PM and Littlejohn is Queen. You would think they would be happy that they got Cameron in, but no, they aren’t. Fucking moaners the lot of them. Its almost fun seeing them weeping because Nick Clegg has said something nice about Europeans or Human Rights. Jesus H Christ! It almost makes me want to vote for the LibDems…but only almost.
I am reading this as “Mrs Beresford should not be allowed to kick me out and take all of my hard earned pension and half my income, and move that young long haired layabout boyfriend into my pristine mock tudor 3 bed Semi in Croydon, where all the neighbours are laughing at her you know, and who’s going to co-ordinate the neighbourhood watch now I am not there? who’s going to keep the re-cycling police on their toes eh? eh? it’s all political correctness gone mad.’ Gordon, you are a twat.
Gordon can piss right off back into his shed to play with his recently-divorced rodent’s rectum.
How much have I just saved the country? £700,000,000
So the fire service will be run by the armed forces? And the armed forces will be run by slaves? And the slaves will be the ones expected to put out the Palace of Westminster when somebody sets it on fire? And these slaves will also have access to mobile water canons in the form of fire engines as well as ladders, protective clothing and gas masks, cutting equipment, radios, infra red imaging systems and priority access to the phone network?
I can sense a small flaw in this plan but I can’t quite put my finger on it…
I think if the slaves are in the army he’ll have more than cutting gear and water cannons to worry about.
Mind you, if we’re getting shot of all non-criminal laws that presumably means no more libel so at least we can besmirch his name with our vile calumnies. We can’t really do that now, can we?
Ah. Oh. Hmmm.
“Couldn’t agree more. All they have to do is outlaw divorce and punish adultery”
If he loves Iran so much…
‘Dissolve the fire service and hand those duties and equipment to the armed forces.’
Not remotely original, Mr Beresfuck. Sapurmurat ‘Turkmenbashi’ Niyazov, the irredeemably loopy nutjob of Turkmenistan already tried that one:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/3522855.stm
…well, ok not quite, but in targetting those annoying, whinging, unionised essential workers, the Turkmen despot had a suspiciously similar M.O. to Mr Beresfuck (Niyazov’s apparently deceased, but I ain’t seen no corpse…)
jack’s comment is priceless:
The State has intentionally created this mess, in order to consolidate its Leftist power base. In the latest poll, some 30% of voters say they will still vote Labour. On one hand, this is as shocking as saying that 30% will vote for Satan himself, but on the other hand this is not surprising, seeing as 30% of voters today now live in cloud cookoo land, either working for the State or living off benefits, or both.
The Welfare State and State bureaucracy both need to be drastically cut, and people literally thrown into the streets. Then people will actually become normal again, once they’ve detoxed from their benefits addiction.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/6686407/Nuclear-family-is-broken-warns-parents-group.html
With this country now looking into the abbys of national bankruptcy, this almighty detox is on it’s way…
harsh but fair? No, just a blistered cat anus.
Gordon, Gordon Gordon, you big tit. I’m procrastinating, so here goes:
Brilliant. Remove a large part of the economic workforce and put them in the armed forces. What they’re doing in the mean time? Putting out fires. And probably protecting the borders of England (not Britain) against foreigners.
Yeah, fucking pensioners. I for one would like to see them dragging their own wheelies bins down to the tip on a weekly basis, because they couldn’t get a job during their lifetime, as they had their education provided by Kellogs and their health service provided by Lucozade.
Ah, the principal foundations of “Neo-Beresfordian” definition: bullshit from an inane, narrow-minded, tight-fisted, right-wing cunt.
Count me in, he has all the best tunes.
Right, I’m going to get some fresh air after this, but a couple of things.
A google search of “Gordon Beresford” brings up SYB third, here’s hoping he tracks us down and engages in some reasoned debate.
And, is there anyway of telling which is the worst site for coma-inducing bullshit? HYS is tough, but I’m not sure if matches up to the sheer mind-bending heights of MSN news.
From a story on the knife attacks in China: http://news.uk.msn.com/world/articles.aspx?cp-documentid=153441030
And Ed the First’s devastating response?
There’s nothing I can add to this to make him look more foolish than he has already managed on his own.
The No. 10 collection of rejected petitions has got to be in anyone’s top five HYS-inspired sites. Just strim out all the pisstakes, and pretty much everything that is left is produced by a camel’s crinkly cluttered cunt.
CUNT!CUNT!CUNT!CUNT!CUNT!CUNT! I hate him so much, and to think there is probably more then one of him.
If being wrong on the internet was an Olympic event, gordon beresford would snatch a podium place every fucking time.
Hopefully one day gordon beresford will google himself and read this page, the cretinous fat shit.
A rich adult, with execrable writing like that? Nah, he’s a 17-year old at public school who’s just discovered Ayn Rand and (“ugh-ugh”) Libertarianism.
He wants conscription *for himself* because the military would never take him as a volunteer, not with his skin condition and wonky foot and all, but he knows wearing a uniform and carrying a deadly weapon is the only way he’ll ever get a girl to pay any attention to him.
Yup, non-christian orphans can fuck right off.
Hmm, maybe it’s just me but I think I’m sensing just a teeny hint of cuntishness about him. Has anyone else noticed it?
Can anyone see the flaw in this plan? Armed Forces full of ugly misfits like Gordon as everyone else remotely normal get married to avoid the draft.
Think this National Service of Gordo’s needs a name though. The People’s Conscripts Brigade? Got a nice ring to it, abbreviates well, he’s sure to go for that.
Nice idea Loumo, and it does have a certain ring to it, but I fear it will sound too Stalinist for Gordo, I fear he is thinking more along the lines of the Imperial British White Volunteers.
Why isn’t there “Bring back hanging while you’re at it” in Gordon Beresford’s list?
Which leads me to believe, i wager, methinks, that there is someone out there, who ALSO wants criminals hanging from lamposts, and considers Gordon Beresford, Cunt, a tree-hugger.
So who is that person? I think we ought to be told.
Will nobody think of the poor motorist? If you literally throw people into the streets, I’m likely to literally run them over. Job Centres are often on busy high streets: the resulting delays could be terrible.
@RIPOFF BRITIAN, that will be John Adair, the leader of the Empire of Hull.
He’s a hybrid of many kinds of cunt. A clustercunt covered in syphilitic welts that are also cunts.
Oh fuck i had forgotten about John Adair.
Also congratulations are in order for associating in Google “Gordon Beresford” and “force-feeding change to a baby”. For ever and ever.
Euuurgh, there is no one more worthy of a brick in the face than a teenage ‘objectivist’. To quote ‘Gin and Tacos’;
I think with a little ingenuity, we can apply that quote to Gordon.
Is it more retarded to not know what an objectivist is, or to be one? Educate me, please. I never did philosophy (never had the Latin).
No, Cameron got 36% of the vote.
@Loumo
Think hardcore free market individualists mixed with a weird sci-fi religion vibe.
From the horses mouth;
Basically it’s being really fucking obsessed with yourself in the way that only a spoilt rich public school boy can truly achieve, then trying to form society around that self obsession.
Pseudo-intellectual bullshit for preppy half wits, derived from a couple of truly, truly awful novels by Ayn Rand.
@Schroduck
I object to that. When I voted Tory* I voted not for Cameron, but purely and only so that Eric Pickles could get a seat(s).
*Disclaimer: This did not happen.
From the HYS on the proposed reforms or some shit, I don’t know I can’t bring myself to read the news today.
No David. It’s isn’t.
Ah. Thanks. Should’ve guessed it was a selfish gitbag thing. You can always tell those because they’ve got a self-justifying name involving words like “objective” or “liberty”.
Generally true when encountering evangelical Randroids, but I can’t bring myself to dislike Steve Ditko. I even like his later output, which are sometimes like HYS posts with pictures.
And the continued existence of Wikipedia as a non-monetized site for collective production is a complete paradox to me.
> Please, sir, what’s ‘gleet’, sir?
“The discharge produced by one’s genitalia as a result of an advanced case of an STD, particularly gonorrhea.”
The weird thing is, if you read all this and pretend you didn’t read the original post, it just sounds like another day on HYS:
“Basically what Gordon wants is an anarchy overseen by a religious/military dictatorship – well, good luck with that then.”
Not that this makes the poster or any of you fine fellows HYS-like at all: it’s just the name. After all, the above describes Gordon Fucktrousers or whatever his name is perfectly, because it’s an accurate description of the opinion of a cunt.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/6686407/Nuclear-family-is-broken-warns-parents-group.html
Good find, pigfrottage. One guy sums up the Telegraph commentor position perfectly:
“It is clear that most of the experts and some politicians have lost the plot. ”
That’s Tim Norton. Mighty Tim Norton, who knows more than ‘most of the experts’ and whose knee-jerk assessment of a situation is always right. Let’s play Guess What Tim Norton Thinks About Global Warming and Evolution!
He also mentions the New Testament, the “maintenance of civilisation” and “our peril”.
what with this and the Governments planned taxed breaks for married couples I can see a rise in Thai brides and therefore MORE immigration!
Gordon didn’t think of that did he? You couldn’t make it up! FACT! NEXT!
“what with this and the Governments planned taxed breaks for married couples I can see a rise in Thai brides and therefore MORE immigration!”
U no whats worse than taht Welsh BOy? The Goverment r actully goin to pay u MOAR if UR a mixedrace cupple! its true, my freind in teh pub told me!!!!!! Its PC gone MADE!!!!!! wheres my gin?
Objectivism is hardly philosophy, it’s just what Ayn Rand called her arse dribble. Life’s too short to know or care more than that about it.
Note to self: refresh screen before posting replies otherwise you look a complete twat.
I don’t think that Gordon is a teenaged libertarian. I mean his terrible economic ideas are indeed the kind of thing that they fondle themselves to sleep over. His stuff about marriage and family, however just screams boorish middle aged cuntcasket with a wife and children that loathe and fear him in equal measure.
Either way I hope that someone knocks some sense into him because he’s currently an unbearable squirrel’s quim.
And on that subject, I found this one, which I don’t understand. And neither did the petition people. It’s obviously a rant about immigrunts, and I think he’s trying to say that the UK wouldn’t need charities if it wasn’t for forrins, but still, see if you can work it out:
this one’s rather a perfect storm of sdickishness as well. Even the URL is good
http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Politicalcorr/
And if you’d like to see the contributions of the Rev. Denis G Beedie, please check here.
Notice how Rev. Beedie creates petitions in order to chastise staff for rejecting his previous petitions.
By the way, there’s already a site dedicated to these cuntbubbles. It’s just as depressing as this one.
The best thing about that Number 10 site is that a lot of the time, the people trying to set up the petitions are… how can I put this tactfully… thicker than a thick pig fucking another thick pig in a great big pile of thick shit.
They must have seen other people’s petitions, the sensible, boring ones, which invariably begin with a verb. But it doesn’t register, they don’t realise why this might be.
So they go ahead and create their petition and have a little wank and they still mustn’t twig, even though the title of their life’s work now reads, for example: ‘We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to PRISONS’ or ‘We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to diesel fuel tax less than petrol’ or ‘We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to Keith Hammond’.
The last of these is quite a common phenomenon – people who put their name instead of the name of the petition.
Yup, it’s the e-numbers Richard.
I was happy with my dinner last night as well, but then i saw what happened this morning.
ahahahaha. Cunt.
THese and many more at the times story about the olympic mascots.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/olympics/article7131093.ece
I like this comment on the Olympic mascots:
In fairness, the mascots do look pretty shit. It’s as if the committee’s remit was, “Design a mascot that will elicit the maximum amount of criticism from those arseholes who post on HYS about nanny states, political correctness gone mad and ZaNuLiarBorealis. Oh, and offend people with one eye.”
@Dizzy – Thanks for the link to But, Sir… Another work-avoidance scheme I can totally buy into.
@Mr. Ed
Thanks for the tips about the mascots. They are massively shit. Go well with the logo for an event that may still be cancelled due to lack of cash.
[quote]
“Puppet Rights Commission.”
[/quote]
ho ho ho – no detention without trial for Sooty or Andy Pandy, whatever despicable mischief they get up to.
Oh, Gordon Beresford is still a cunt.
BTW. I’d like to update the twat-o-tron’s vocabulary which is still in a 2007 time warp and missing so much top-notch gleet that HYSers, Mailers and Timers have produced since then. Contact the editors here if you can be even slightly bothered in helping, ta.
Yeah, the Olympic mascots are indeed shit, but, be honest, didn’t we all expect them to be? Makes my heart fair swell with English (not British) pride, it does, that we continue to be so crap at promotion. Wouldn’t want to be mistaken for Americans.
The twatterati carry on about it as if it really matters, as always, but who even remembers mascots from past olympics?
Is there a special less tedious more weird Ann Summers that Liz Brown has been going to? And where is it?
Anybody who thinks those mascots are bad should look up Coggsley and Sprinx the alleged “Timekeepers of the Millennium” which were mascots for the Millennium Dome. They were really shit. They had people dressed up as them at the dome. They were supposed to be a hit with the kids but on the day I went there (on a company outing) there were no kids and Coggsley and Sprinx, or rather the bored students playing them, were amusing themselves by pretending to murder eachother in the car park. That was actually the most entertaining thing at the whole dome.
http://www.dome2000.com/timekeepers/
Actually it would have probably looked like a mutilated penis.
I dont know, i think Mr Beresford has a point, why should all the working class scum who became even poorer and scummier when Mr Beresfords mates closed down all the private sector jobs, benefit from the civil service?
They should all be in workhouses, being managed by polish and muslim overseers, yeah that will teach em
ahhh….Cuntopia.
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