Not that we’ve exhausted our supply of clever and imaginative titles – we have an EU quota – it’s just that sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade. Or something.
Anyway, Olympic mascots. Bit weird, fair enough. Bit off the wall, yep. Bit of an odd stain around the groin area on one of them, okay. But I’m sure the kids are going to love them, right?
“According to Ali, aged 10, they are “weird and cool, and they remind me of aliens”. Zaynab, 11, loved the “bumps on the head that are like the Olympic podium”.”
I don’t want to appear crass or in anyway dismissive of these lads’ opinions, but isn’t it a little odd that with us being in England and all… these committees never seem to consult anyone English?
Byron Roberts
Yeah, because unless you consult people with names like Bill, or John, or Dave, or Nick, then opinions mean fuck all. Especially if they’re kids, and especially if you’re desperate to direct your ire and all the blame at someone, but you’re having difficulty finding someone brown to fit up for it. They were designed in Britain? Oh, well… hold on, Ali and Zaynab? Brown people??? How dare they go around asking brown kids what they think of decent, hard-working English stuff!
I’m guessing that when Byron reads the news, he doesn’t so much as read as scan for foreign sounding names so he can try out new ways to say racist things without sounding racist at all. I used the same trick here. See if you can spot how I did it:
“I’m not being crass or in anyway dismissive, but these kids with the foreign sounding names should fuck off back to where they came from.”
It works! That didn’t sound racist at all! Byron has much to teach us: by cleverly substituting the word “racist” in that comment that starts by declaring you’re not a racist, you can fool people into thinking that you’re crass and dismissive, instead of the racist dogfucker you are.
“I’m not into having sex with dogs, but I do think that there should be a law that requires all dogs to wear stockings, suspenders and silk knickers.”
I read that and I think the author likes having sex with dogs. But with some clever word play…
“I don’t want to sound all nanny state or anything, but I do think that there should be a law that requires all dogs to wear stockings, suspenders and silk knickers.”
Now I’m far too busy thinking that the author of that comment is in favour of the nanny state, and haven’t even thought about the second part where he suggests a law sexualising dogs!
If only someone had come up with this before the election. We could have had the BNP government we’d always dreamed of, just by swapping a few words around.
144 Responses to “Racist Twat”
The resignation of Gordon Clown has left a vacancy in the Aunt Sally department. No white people need apply.
Ali, of course, is no longer short for Alistair, Alison or any other English (not British) names beginning with Ali. For which, equally of course, we can blame teh Mozlims.
Brilliant. What a twat! And his name means ‘from the cowshed’ in Old English- a warning down the centuries from our predecessors.
Fans of the olympics mascot debate would do well to fill their boots here http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/rogermosey/2010/05/london_2012_mascots_whats_your.html
I even bookmarked some favourite contributors like politethinktank, who’s interesting in an anthropological sense.
and Pete C, who may be the real-life Patrick Bateman
I’m totally in favour of sexualising dogs. Some of them bitches is hot.
I don’t want to say that Byron Roberts is a cunt or anything, but… actually, that’s a lie. I do. I do want to say he’s a cunt. Byron Roberts is a cunt. There, I did it.
Has anyone come across Openbook yet? It is designed to highlight the changes in privacy settings on Facebook but why bother searching for “new mobile number” or “my kids at bath time” when you can instead participate in the admittedly shooting fish in a barrel sport of hunt the fucknugget.
Lots on this search following The Sun rehashing the old chestnut about banning our shirts/flags during the World Cup -
http://youropenbook.org/?q=%22i%27m+not+racist+but%22&gender=male&gender=female
This search http://youropenbook.org/?q=%22send+them+back%22&gender=female&x=37&y=12 threw up Julie Archer -
[blockquote]Anyone can be British but only English can be English I say a bullet would be cheaper than benefits [/blockquote]
Have any of the belms on Have Your Say noticed that the mascots are wearing the bangles so beloved by kids these days? Mandeville’s only a flasher, but Wenlock’s a slapper, it’s flashed snogged, gobbled, fucked and had anal. Assuming it’s got an arse of course.
Good find.
Now I can understand not knowing that Stoke Mandeville in Bucks, England (not Britain) was the birthplace of the paralympics but did Sir Jim’ll run all those marathons in vain?
I can’t remember where I saw it but yesterday I read a comment that said:
Incredible work.
Arsebiscuits…
- I fixed your blockquotes. You were the beneficiary of my random act of kindness for 2010. Don’t tell my missus. I’m going back to being a total shit until 2011 now – Nelson.
If “Ali” turns out to short for Alistair or Allison, does that mean Byron Roberts will automatically become a fan of the mascots?
Bugger, I somehow missed Great Uncle Napoleon’s comment.
Time to throw myself under the hooves of a stampeding Wenlock!
http://www.religiondispatches.org/dispatches/husseinrashid/2641/introducing_%E2%80%98draw_muhammad_day%E2%80%99/
Look! I genuine IFLISMWDGYLT!
belms. I know that word *secret handshake*
It sure is, in all senses of the word incredible.
I was wondering where he got the lower case “n” from but then I realised that all you need to do is mirror and then rotate one of the “2″s. I mean, that has to prove something, doesn’t it, even if it works better in some fonts than others? Woo! It certainly puts conventional numerology to shame.
I’m not racist, but.
I’ve just realised you can end that phrase with a full stop. Glaswegians do it all the time. E.g. “Fuck off, but.”
So, if you say, “I’m not racist, but.” in a void, are you still racist? There may be no clarifying context. You can just come right out with it and say, “I’m not racist, but.”
Google search Byron Roberts to get this guy: http://www.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=16492164
Who I initially thought was the same fella, until I noticed the level of grammar from the HYS prick, compared to the Bebo Byron who drops his g’s (this is not hip-hop terminology) and writes ‘my’ as ‘ma’.
@Soulboy
For the love of…I just had a look at Julie ‘Executions for Foriegners are better than Benefits (2 people like this)’ Archer’s profile. Sigh. She’s a parody, right? Please say it is so.
I just had a quick peek at Lord Byron’s bebo page. He may not be the specific HYS cunt we’re laughing at here, but still. Ha ha ha, I say laughingly (thanks, Cuger, for the tip on using adverbials).
What is it about people that makes them want to dress up their facebook pages (or even have a fucking facebook page in the first place) in their favourite team colours, liberally splurged with pictures of their 2000 imaginary friends and a couple of prominently displayed in-jokes that nobody except their hamsters and their mothers will understand? Do they not realise that they just look idiotic, at best? If I was an employer and I saw that a candidate even had a facebook page I’d just cross his or her name off my list faster than a snot off a hot buttered shovel (Sorry, am I being a twat? Please tick this box if the answer’s yes: [ ]).
End of rant.
SoulBoy: Good spot on openbook, definite time-wasting potential there. I searched for IYLISMWDYGLT, and although nobody used the exact phrase,the delgithful Delia Perfect (no, really) came out with this corker:
I don’t really know what to say, I’m in awe.
Oh wow, nice spot SoulBoy. I saw “I’m not racist but” in the Recent Searches. Wow, it was like a Generation Game conveyor belt of stupid. Except no-one was cheering.
That Julie bird is probably for real. Facebook is full of ‘em. Neo-Nazis use it as a tool to spread their foul opinions to the masses. The BNP are quite fond of it too – Nick Griffin once sent a memo to all BNP members begging them to get a Facebook profile and use it to promote his disgusting politics. His idea is that if he can create the illusion of a large BNP presence on the interwebs, people will start to see their policies and ideas as mainstream and popular. That’s why half the fucktards who get on SYB have posted random racist shit about an innocent topic – it’s all part of the conditioning of the population. Or something. Shudder.
From the BBC Olympic Mascot thread -
Thank god that Usain Bolt got the boring running bit out of the way so quickly so we could all get back to watching a bloke in a bear suit.
Have Your Say
What impact will synthetic life have?
“What if a bug designed to ‘eat’ greenhouse gases evolves after a few years into something with a taste for oxygen?”
What if a bug designed to cure racist twats evolves after a few years into something that gives me great head and can go like a train all night?
Well, that’d be quite cool, actually, now that I think about it…
I wonder if Byron is named after THE Byron – Lord Byron – who was Scottish (not British), fought with Italian revolutionaries and in the Greek war of independence, was a big fan of the Luddites and is famous for his numerous illicit knobbings.
I hope so – and I hope that he is so named because Byron’s parents got him mixed up with that bloke what wrote ‘Daffodils’.
The question he’s not asking is: “what is the matrix”?
@Wavy Davy Chicken Gravy:
I laughed out loud but then I realised I have no idea what these bangles are or where I can get them from especially the 3rd and 5th options.
PS yes, i am a cunt
Speaking of the Cuge-ster – anyone been reading his Twatter posts? Very shit. And he’s registered as LinkedIn as an “Independent Publishing Professional (his capitals)… no connections.
@CFC, yes. In the middle of the 18 consecutive posts that he produced yesterday, there’s this:
How could he possibly type that without feeling that something was wrong? HOW?
Also, check out the bio. Hilariously,
# , between your toes when you have
Classic Cuger, in three tweets
Oh hello, formatting nightmare there.
That’s better. Wouldn’t want to make Cuger incoherent
Top marks to oh canada for the phrase:
Where was he when I was trying to think of names for my children.
I love that something that might potentially sound a bit deep is undercut by “foreign parts”, which makes him sound like a Little Englander who thinks the Isle of Wight is more than exotic enough.
I think his name is actually ‘Brian’ but the cunt’s too thick to spell his own name
Byron Roberts strikes me as the type of bloke who if he found out that ‘Zaynab’ is a female name – which it is – then his sentence would start:
I’m not sexist but…
He can probably just about connect with “these lads” even if they aren’t “English” like him (hey, Byron – you ever thought they might be British? Seeing as it’s Team GB not Team England) but I bet the concept of a girl having an opinion is totally alien to him.
The twat.
@Dave Website,
Or his name is Ron, and he’s telling us his post is ‘By Ron Roberts’, and the cunt’s too thick to use a space bar.
Either way, he’s a thick cunt and no mistake.
My favourite comment on the mascots.
I was watching Teletubbies the other day, and it was clearly made to appeal to the ‘yoof’ market. Where’s the violence? Where’s the fucking? Scandalous.
I was the victim of an attempted friending by an old schooltw*t who’s now the BNP representative in my home town.
Won’t surprise anyone to know he had a rep for being a nutter, and once terrorised someones party with a machete.
[Every day in every way I thank Dawkins God that I don't have to deal with South Wales anymore]
That’s better.
[Please be better]
I also like how many of the comments claim that the kidz don’t want things where you can’t tell what they are, the kidz want a nice furry animal like a lion or a bulldog.
This would explain why Teletubbies, In The Night Garden, Pokemon, and that fking weird thing on ITV flopped so painfully, clearly.
That openbook search is brilliant! Props and all that.
Anyway this corker has just come through the wires:
For those who haven’t read the article, here is where it describes how they got people’s feedback for the mascots:
Byron has confused this process with the entirely separate process of interviewing people at an event in order to write a newspaper article.
I like the ones where people have not been able to cut ‘n paste it to their status page (due to lack of opposable thumbs perhaps), and so have decided to just type it in again with additional spelling and grammatical errors best.
Cuger Brant. I’d buy his books just to encourage the man for entertainment purposes, if he didn’t charge something like 15 quid for a book that contains just enough paper to go all the way around a packet of fags.
What would happen if Cuger ever met Andy Kadir-Buxton? You know, like in those Marvel crossovers? Superman vs. Batman plus She-Hulk, Wonder Woman and Galactus’s pet poodle thrown in would cause but a tenth of the cultural destruction that would be wrought by such a meeting.
@High Speed Vomit – Duck My Sick!
Dammit, now I have permanent marker on my screen!
Man, he must have really hated Avatar. I wonder how the wholesale rejection of everything with three dimensions is going to work in the medium to long term.
One dimension offers more than enough confusion for Borkan. Perhaps if we removed the other three he’d have a chance of figuring out what was going on around him.
Well, not so much ‘around’ as just ‘in front and behind’.
” I wonder how the wholesale rejection of everything with three dimensions is going to work in the medium to long term”
Well, it would help their longevity chances if they decided to actually make any 3D films that weren’t shite*.
*Yeah, I watched two 3D films, didn’t like them much, wrote off the entire medium. Cos that’s the kinda guy I am.
Apologies being slightly serious for a moment, but Dizzy’s point in the original post about the attempt these poor fools make to deflect attention from their vile prejudices is a very acute observation.
For example, I might say, “I don’t want to appear rational, but reading Byron’s comment makes me want to push knives into him,” and you would rightly conclude without hesitation that I am rational. So instead, I should say “I don’t want to appear before a panel of ornithologists unicycling wearing only a leather hat and a shy smile, but reading Byron’s comment…”, and you would be fooled into thinking…
You see the point? Another important aspect of this is that, if you change all the letters and don’t expect too much, “Byron Roberts” is actually an anagram of “festering guillemot’s clunge”.
Love to all.
A clarification: in the above post I should have made it clear that it is I who am unicycling, and not the ornithologists. But if you prefer to imagine birdwatchers performing a circus act, I would raise no objection.
@Loumo
In fairness most Pokemon are recognisably based on existing/mythological animals (Pikachu – mouse ; Squirtle -turtle ; Jinx – prostitute) and quite a few are furry, Pikachu himself for example appears to have fur; in the series Ash is sometimes seen to ruffle it, and his rival in his first World Tournament has a pikachu called Sparky that clearly has a tuft of fur poking out Alfalfa style.
It’s really warm out, I don’t think I’ll need a coat thanks.
@Chaise Guevara
You obviously missed “Hard Candy”. Jon Holmes. 3-D.
3d is the win.
I’m not a demented racist but “Ali” is too difficult for me to remember so i’ll just go ahead and call him Hajj.
What?
I can’t be bothered to scroll up to see who it was, but the unicycling leather circus act or whatever really made my night. We have friends over and I’m hiding in the toilet checking out syb to get away from them, boring racist cunts that they are (except my wife, who’s a boring racist prick).
Thank you, whoever you are!
Byron Roberts Anagrams
The relevant one first:
Snobby Terror
Now some childish insults:
Try Rob’s boner
Sorry, Rob — bent
Born. *sob* Retry!
The anagram generator that gave me the first, magical one also turned up “Obey Brr Snort,” which I like because it reminds me of the pig from Animal Farm.
“You obviously missed “Hard Candy”. Jon Holmes. 3-D.
3d is the win”
OK. This is going on the necessarily over-dramatised trailer, and the report I got from the one person who saw it, but I got the impression that the Hard Candy concept was “Hey, let’s spend two hours watching this guy get tortured, and it’ll be funny ‘cos he’s a fucking paedo. In fact, I might get a bit of a stiffy myself watching him suffer.”
I’m cool with gore and violence, but the whole ‘torture porn’ thing turns me off. Especially when you’re supposed to enjoy the fact that the guy’s getting tortured. However, I may have missed the point entirely. I’m sure the next inevitable Philip K. Dick film will be 3D and I’ll be immediately converted.
“The anagram generator that gave me the first, magical one also turned up “Obey Brr Snort,” which I like because it reminds me of the pig from Animal Farm.”
And the animals looked from Bryon Roberts to Atom John, and from Atom John to Bryon Roberts again, and could no longer decide which was more of a cunt.
Third post in a row, probably. So much for ettiquette.
“Apologies being slightly serious for a moment, but Dizzy’s point in the original post about the attempt these poor fools make to deflect attention from their vile prejudices is a very acute observation.”
Yes, I agree. It’s probably another one of those fallacies, but I can’t be arsed to decide which one. A sort of pre-emptive goalpost-shifting, mebbe.
And it’s not far from the trick where you say “I know I’m going to hear the same boring comments about racism, but we need to wake up to the fact that white Britons will be in the minority within 50 years.” Cleverly anticipating the people who might wish to point out that a) that’s probably bollocks, b) if true it relies on dividing the world into ‘whites’ and ‘ethnics/coloureds/wogs’, and c) even if the above two were horseshit, it would still only be a problem in the eyes of a racist fuckwit who was scared of his own head-hair.
And of course, when some good soul does point this out, you can act weary, roll your eyes and say “Didn’t I warn you?”
Look, I’ll have a go myself: “Of COURSE we’ll hear this nonsense about my post being hypocritical becuase judging people based on their haircut is analogous to racism…”
Thanks a bunch for Openbook. Now how am I going to go to work, feed children, converse with wife?
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Fraaze Jason Derulo Robsonn:
Pure.
Ms Angie Leggett:
I’m thinking she’s right. We should all have tax discs on our foreheads. That’s actually a brilliant idea.
And finally (promise), Mr Joe Sanders:
That will upset bilingual Christians as well, Joe. What you’ve done there is write ‘GOD IS A CUNT’ but with the first word in Arabic for some reason. Not that you actually did that with your flag. I bet you haven’t even hung one out, because you’re a gullible thick racist shit who believes all the crap about the police taking them down.
And according to his profile, he was in the Army.
What a smug prick I am.
Wow. Is that true, that Muslims have complained about England flags in England, and people have been forced to take them down? Since I don’t live in the UK I haven’t heard about this. I’m a pretty left-leaning liberal tree-huggin’ racial-minority-lovin’ type and all that, but it does seem fairly reasonable to me for an England supporter to hang out an England flag, in England, in the run up to a match in which England are playing, without causing offence. What, who, where, when, WTF etc.?
Whoo, see what I did there? I used “Today’s Debating Trick”! By starting my question with “I’m a pretty left-leaning liberal tree-huggin’ racial-minority-lovin’ type and all that, but…” I can then go on to say something like, “I hate all gay, one-legged, black, Muslim, ethnic, candy-striped, fox-hunting gyppo imigrunts” and there’s nothing the other guy can do about it, because I’ve entirely demasculated him with my amazing debating skills. If only Khruschev could talk like me. There wouldn’t have been any need for shoe-banging in the UN way back in the Cold War, I can tell you.
All right, who took my coat? Who the fuck was it? Come on, own up…
“Wow. Is that true, that Muslims have complained about England flags in England, and people have been forced to take them down?”
Nah, it’s bollocks:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/west_midlands/8697240.stm
Basically, it’s one of those blatantly untrue stories that people believe because they want an excuse to act all self-righteous and offended.
So many people take it as gospel though. Their combination of gullibility (will believe any old shit) and racism (predisposed particularly to believing shit about minorities) creates a perfect storm of twatbasketry.
I must have done something right on FB, my profile isn’t showing on OB. Hooray for me!
Facebook, schmacebook. Having grown up with the internet, it has been good for one thing at least: I know a method for wasting time when I see it.
@Chaise, thanks for the link. I’m feeling quite chuffed actually, that I brought my critical thinking skills to bear on the type of story that HYS cunts generally get worked up about and thought, “Hang on, that doesn’t make sense.” Is the position for Smuggest Twat In The World still open, I wonder?
Oh! THERE’s my coat! Thanks.
@HSV-DMS
Not while I’ve got my strength.
“So many people take it as gospel though. Their combination of gullibility (will believe any old shit) and racism (predisposed particularly to believing shit about minorities) creates a perfect storm of twatbasketry.”
Bleak, ain’t it? And this is why people believe that you literally get given extra benefits just for being non-White.
It’s like the whole Winterval/Festivus thing. A rumor goes around (helped by the Mail) that some council or other has banned Christmas. Most people would think “Hang on, banned Christmas? What does that entail, exactly? If the council are actually going into people’s homes, tearing down their Christmas trees and stamping on their figgy puddings to put them out, wouldn’t that have provoked civil unrest? And since when do councils have the power to do that, and why would they want to? Nah, I bet they’ve just decided to put up secular Christmas lights this year or something.”
Sadly, a few misguided souls (read: first-class fucking morons) don’t bother with this analysis, seeing as there’s a risk that it might prevent them from getting upset, and just thing “OMG THEYVE BANNED XMAS WHERES TEH BABIE JEBUS GOIN TO GO 4 HIS BIRFDAY NOW??????!!!!!”. And spend the rest of their lives voting BNP.
I know. Their whole world seems to be divided into two categories: Things that should be banned; and things that the PC brigade is trying to ban. It’s part of a general obsession with bans.
We’re all SOOOO much better than them!
I’ve got one arm in my coat as I speak, just in case, but – while I would distance myself from Chaise’sfirst-class fucking morons, I do kind of think that Christmas should be called Christmas. Or, at a stretch, Yuletide. (And I am pretty sure that the average candy-striped one-legged gay Muslim imigrunt doesn’t really give a toss what it’s called, as long as it’s not actually renamed Mohammed by deed poll.)
Have I just permanently consigned myself to First Class Fucking Moron Land? Shee, it’s so hard if you happen to agree with racist cunts these days on one small thing while utterly rejecting everything else they say. I mean, I’d like Christmas to be called Christmas. That doesn’t mean I’d like to deport all Muslims and roast their first-born children over an open fire.
From Wikipedia:
And on that double-blockquoted note, no more serious from me.
Holy mother of fuck. So it’s actually a cynical rebranding exercise, and nothing to do with not offending candystriped guests from other cultures.
I haven’t been this shocked since I discovered Santa Claus doesn’t exist.
So, this begs a question. Are racist cunts ever right about anything? Is there any recorded instance of a racist cunt saying something like, “The government should not allow convicted murderers to immigrate to the UK regardless of race”, for example?
“Holy mother of fuck. So it’s actually a cynical rebranding exercise, and nothing to do with not offending candystriped guests from other cultures.
I haven’t been this shocked since I discovered Santa Claus doesn’t exist.”
On the same note, Festivus (for the rest of us!) takes place on 23/12, not 25/12, and as such is not an attempt to rebrand Christmas but simply another holiday. You can celebrate both (you can celebrate whatever the fuck you want, in point of fact). There would certainly be no logic in replacing Christmas decorations (which is apparently what people mean when they talk about Christmas being cancelled) with Festivus ones. I think it’s more anti-commercialism than anything else.
Of course, there are a few Muslim pricks who demand that any overtly Christian displays should be taken down to avoid offending their own invisible friend, but very few people listen to twats like that.
So no, you’re nowhere near being a moron. You’ve just taken something deliberately mistold by the papers more or less on faith, which pretty much all of us do every day.
@Mireluck
Checking Fraaze Jason Derulo Robsonn’s FB, I believe him to be little more than a jumped up little twat who appears to be about 13 years old and has a serious capitalisation problem.
His “about me”: YO SEXY
IM A SEX FREAK
WANNA TAKE IT TO THE MAX LIKE PEPSI
Says it all really, as does his choice of groups, such as “LSMMTUAFIMC – Laughing So Much My Turban Unravels And Falls Into My Curry”.
Well, to that group I LIADKOWALWLFIHLIH – Laughed In A Despairing Kind Of Way And Lost What Little Faith I Had Left In Humanity
@Bramswune (so many posts ago)…
One dimension offers more than enough confusion for Borkan. Perhaps if we removed the other three he’d have a chance of figuring out what was going on around him.
Well, not so much ‘around’ as just ‘in front and behind’.
(pushes glasses up, and affects a smug air)… A single dimension can have no position, having a single dimension means that there is no ‘in front’ or ‘behind’. A singular dimensional being would have no concept of anything other then themselves, hence the badger’s ball-ache that is Borkan.
bollocks
On the subject of blockquotes, I’m wondering if I can nest five blockquotes. Here goes:
As in, “Get your coat, you’re pulled”, you mean? No? Just “Get your coat”? Erm, right.
We think of the head of a pin as having a single dimension, even though it doesn’t really. And a CD is the same shape as a paperclip. Think about it. Yeah.
Really, 3D films should be marketed as 4D, because time passes in them.
It’s funny you should make the CD-paperclip comparison, because to open a stuck CD drive you need a folded-out paperclip, amazingly. So the paperclip sort of goes from two dimensions to just one, in order to rescue another two-dimensional object.
On the subject of 3D films, I’ve seen practically all of them that have come out so far. One I would recommend is Up (Pixar movie). For just about every other film including Avatar the 3D is a gimmick but I think the guys who did Up actually thought about the possibilities of 3D beyond chucking things at the audience. I just can’t wait until they make a 3D porn movie. (Real-life, I mean, not Pixar.)
That’s always bothered me, as has lazy sci-fi dialogue when people say things like “we’re going into the fifth dimension!” I mean, what? If there’s a fifth dimension, you are presumably already in it.
What’s even worse is when a newspaper writes an article about sci-fi or astrophysics and decides it’d be clever to shoehorn loads of ‘spacey’ words in, inevitably resulting in the phrase “light-years from now”. Aside from the obvious, thinking light-years are a measurement specifically relevant to space is weird.
Okay, from my ignorant rant about science to an ignorant rant about science, from the HYS thread titled “Does the creation of synthetic life mean that giant, world-eating radioactive spiders will be growing in vats any day now?” Spot the flaw in the logic, kids:
Hey, I like this. Feeling that a lot of the magic has gone out of Christmas since I was a kid (which has obviously nothing to do with me getting older and less gullible, requiring more than a promise of supernaturally-delivered Lego to get me excited), I think that making an exclamation mark part of the official name could revitalise the holiday. Christmas! shopping, Christmas! trees, Christmas! fights with your brother-in-law: don’t you feel festive already? The downside is that we’d probably have to pay royalties to Noddy Holder.
“And a CD is the same shape as a paperclip. Think about it.”
I don’t see how, unless you stretch the paperclip out and ignore its length. Thinking about it is doing me any good, either.
“which has obviously nothing to do with me getting older and less gullible, requiring more than a promise of supernaturally-delivered Lego to get me excited”
Of course it doesn’t. I’ve noticed that, as I’ve grown up, the world has contained fewer and fewer tall-looking people. I suspect the government puts something in the water to keep us all small and suppressible.
You know how people say “people are forgetting the true meaning of Christmas”? Commercialism IS the true meaning of Christmas in modern society. Kids, the people who care most about Christmas, don’t get excited because Jesus’s birthday is coming up, they get excited, as you say, by Lego.
Of course, no modern kid would be happy with a gift of Lego THESE days, the greedy, lazy fuckers want Xboxes and iPhones. Why should a kid get something for Christmas that I never got because it hadn’t been invented when I were a lad? Why do people other than me get to benefit from progress? I WANT ANSWERS
I doubt that Borkan is a keen follower of athletics who conducts much of his business in London. I don’t doubt he is a 2-dimensional ptarmigan’s twat (hopefully depicted below).
||
||
||
Are you out of your Borkan mind?
Just noticed that when a twat form is reduced to 2 dimensions, it is divided into discrete regions. A process of Borkanization.
I wonder if the Borkanization effect happens when the ptarmigan’s ptwat is lying down seductively:
___
___
That’s amazing. The Borkanization effect happens in one direction only! That sort of boosts the Bork’s a One Dimensional Stupid Fucking Moron camp.
Openbook, like irritable bowel syndrome, is a gift that keeps on giving. A search for “muslins” turned up a lot of brain-dead yanks, but also this prize gem:
[blockquote]I THINK WE SHOULD BRING BACK OUR TROOPS BACK FROM AFGHANISTAN. GET RID OF OUR POLICE FORCE OR LEAVE THEM PLAYING ON THE MOTOR WAYS CHASING CARS. PUT OUR SOLDIERS ON THE STREETS OF BRITIAN TO PROTECT US FROM MUSLINS AND THE REST. FOR WHICH THEY ARE TRAINED TO DO WE GOT THE BEST FORCES IN THE WORLD AND WE LIVE IN FEAR OF TERRORIST ECT ECT THEN WE CAN PUT GREAT BACK IN TO GREAT BRITIAN.[/blockquote]
I do wonder what “the rest” refers to in this context: perhaps other, equally dangerous, fabrics.
Fuck. I have no idea how quotes work here, clearly.
Barbara Welch:
And another charming Yankee doodle lady, whose name is lost in my system cache ‘cos I just closed the browser window by mistake:
Sometimes I kind of envy racists. For them, the world is so simple. Important issues of the day are “black and white”, if you will.
@High Speed Vomit
That’s one slutty ptarmigan.
@Southern Ponce
I thought he was calling for some electroshock therapy so he could finish his sentence.
I suppose it wouldn’t help to suggest that muslin is a very useful fabric. You can use it to make borscht and garam massala.
I forgot to comment on Ms. Welch. “THE INTESTINAL FORTITUDE TO IMPEACH THIS WORTHLESS PIECE OF PIG POOP” kind of lends a new slant to politics. I think this might be the irritable bowel syndrome that Southern Ponce was talking about.
@High Speed Vomit
Piety forbids Babs Welch from using words like “guts” and “shit” – but she’d pay to see a person’s entrails being spilled on the floor and talks shit all the time.
Jihasta la vista, baby.
People have the right to express themselves and their ideas. But IF ITS ALL IN BalDY SPELD block CaPS, well, I think the PROPUR ENGLISH wanting protection from thin cloths should learn how to read and write English.
Even the Americans.
Innit.
@Chaise: We think of a CD being a two-dimensional circle, and a paperclip being a one-dimensional line twisted into a paperclip shape. Actually, both are cylinders. The CD has a very small depth and the paperclip wire has a very small diameter, but they are both the same shape.
Look who swallowed Steven Pinker’s The Stuff Of Thought.
Now, back to feeding my baby, with a Muslim cloth draped around his neck.
Introducing The Rule;
Hear ‘political correctness’, think ‘lie’.
This also works.
Read newspaper, think ‘lies’.
I hope that helps.
I also hope the HTML italics tag works on here.
Sweet! Now I can emphasise any work I like without having to use CAPITALS and look (that is, read) like a twat.
Also, on a topic somewhat related to that of the original post, I was trawling the Mail Online site out of sheer lack-of-anything-to-do-on-a-Saturday-night-except-watch-Doctor-Who-and-try-to-think-about-something-other-than-marrying-Amy-Pond boredom and saw an article about the Ashes to Ashes finale and (after thinking for a while about marrying Keeley Hawes – I’m not lonely or anything!) I thought I’d find out what the reaction of the Mailites was.
Turns out mostly positive, other than the dinosaurs still talking about The Sweeney, but I did find this comment that proves once and for all that some people really do have one track minds.
Consumer Warning; may contain vast traces of smug superiority and overt racism.
Ha ha, yeah, those 2 black guys in 5 series were ridiculous. You expect us to believe there were TWO black people back then? Fuck off were there.
My favourite bit was when in Life On Mars Tyler’s mentor shows up as a young new recruit, and he’s black (PC madness again!) and everyone makes racist jokes!
The PC point they were trying to make was how awful it was then when people who were a different colour were treated like shit and people made monkey noises at them; little did they know we at home were chuckling merrily! What larks!
Funny how the yanks’ 101st Keyboard Brigade still cling to the idea of American invincibility. You’d think they might notice that the war in Afganistan continues, and is not going so well for them. Meanwhile, in Iraq, car bombs are still going off in the capital city. It’s a shame that real life isn’t more like the movies, isn’t it, anonymous American lady?
Kris,
Why not both Amy Pond and Keeley Whoever on a sort of timeshare basis, with a few episodes of Dr. Who thrown in just to appease the Muslin hordes? You’d need a unicycle and a twitcher.
Sorry, I’ve been at the toilet duck again. I say! Cloakroom! Cloakroom, there!
I don’t know about that. There is something in their shrill and desperate tone which makes me think that part of them knows that they are wrong and they have to keep shouting and ranting in order to drown out the part of themselves that is having doubts. They remind me of Daleks, constantly raving that they are the superior beings despite all evidence being to the contrary.
I suspect that some people simply have a different relationship with “right” and “wrong” than the rest of us do. Take the religious, for example: they have “faith”, another “way of knowing” which boils down to wishing really really hard for something to be true, and poof! it is! Then there are conspiracy theorists: reading their guff, I often get the feeling that reality is essentially a game for them, with “truth” being whatever hypothesis is most exciting. Contemporary English (not British) racism of the HYS/BNP/Daily Mail variety seems to be more fantasy: an assertion of superiority by markedly inferior people (shouldn’t the master race be able to spell?), an underdog narrative to add dramatic tension and explain under-achievement (I have a crap job because forrins get all the good ones, not because I’m thick and lazy), and revisionist history to hide any problems with their vision for the future. I think a lot of them genuinely believe, because for them belief is contingent on their personal needs, and believing their crap is preferable to accepting that they’re throwbacks being left behind by progress.
Shit, that’s all a bit po-faced, eh? Anyway, saw that Amy Pond tonight for the first time. She’s an appealing young lass, isn’t she? Don’t care much for that floppy-haired git in the bow tie, though.
Perhaps Zaynab’s a tranny, and Byron knows, hence the use of ‘lads’.
Although you wonder how he knows, of course.
You couldn’t make it up.
Am I?
Just a point of interest, we recently had just some charming Americans offering British drug addicts to be sterilized for £200. This action has been reported to the police, who have said that any other sightings of this should be reported.
Prepare yourselves… this is going to be good… as we all know…
On the English flag thing… anyone who will stick up an English or British flag ought to be hounded for some reason, good on the muslims for getting pissy about it.
what the fuck is Note to site talking about?
Stupidity is no respecter of class, as we know, but I bet Jeremy Irons’s friends are feeling a bit embarrassed for him right now. In today’s Sunday Times:
I love the way the Times adds “the actor” at the end. Subtle. You can just hear the slight lowering of the narrator’s voice, reminding us that Mr. Irons is not actually a qualified environmental scientist, but someone who gets paid for pretending to be other people.
I’m aware of the criticisms of Michael Moore, but I wasn’t aware that being silly was one of them.
“Something”, eh? Like, er, what exactly?
Holy shit, if I were a qualified environment scientist I’d stay well the fuck away from this project.
The Times… I love it. Now, Co. Cork is actually my home county, but I can’t recall Mr. Irons’s castle being pink the last time I drove past there. In my Prius.
Ladies and gentlemen, proof that:
1. Mr Irons does not know how cars work, and
2. Mr Irons does not know how car companies work.
Something tells me that Irons has a local man who keeps his Range Rover on the road for him by replacing half the parts every year, and Jeremy is under the basic impression that cars last forever if you don’t actually crash them.
@ HSV – DMS!
Actually very old cars work fine, so says the Daily Mail http://www.dailymail.co.uk/motoring/article-1261950/Rare-Austin-stood-garage-50-years-discovered–starts-time.html
If by ‘work’ you mean ‘don’t work’. As the fella in the article states: “I didn’t try to start her up in case I did any damage but I’m sure it would go.”
Cheers Daily Mail, for raising my hopes with miracle headlines before dashing them on bloody rocks. Speculative journalism from the best. Maybe they could sponsor Jemery Irons’ new movie.
My car is 40 years old. Anyone who calls a 13-year-old car “very old” is an idiot.
If anyone wants to know more about the 2012/Zion thing, last time I looked at the forum of the David Icke website (protective tinfoil millinery optional but recommended), there was loads of shit about it on there.
The Olympic opening ceremony is going to usher in a new world order with Prince William as the supreme leader of everything, and the stadium is situated on energy lines or some shit, which means we’re all going to die or something.
@Richard Littlejohn’s Funny Bone
Not as good as the time when they ran a whole article about a woman who had kept the same toaster for 70 years or something utterly unremarkable like that, with the implication that todays toasters, which are covered in features like wi fi and blu-ray, are not made to last.
No one could accuse the Mail of rose tinted nostalgia though; perish the thought.
What are energy lines? Perhaps like they are confused with power lines. Some of them were moved into tunnels to avoid having pylons running over the site.
The site was a toxic dump, so no change there then.
http://www.clubplan.org/CMS/page.asp?org=2673&id=385
There is nothing quite so irritating as when morons get their hands on a reasonable idea and then run with it in the wrong direction or just try to push it too far. Yes, things should be built to a decent quality and, yes, we shouldn’t throw away perfectly good stuff just because it is a year or two old, but the reasonable lifecycle of a product varies depending on what it is and not everybody can afford to buy the highest quality products all the time.
The last thing we need is snooty, upper middle class, greener-than-thou morons with Agas boasting about how the design of their piece of crap stove is unchanged since when it was first invented (by an moron) and missing the point that it always was a monstrously energy inefficient piece of crap. They might also like to ruminate on the fact that the ludicrously heavy Le Creuset cookware they force their poor staff to use soaks up vast quantities of heat most of which gets wasted while us slobs who cook up our slop in an old plastic Pot Noodle pot* in a microwave are about as energy efficient as it gets. Ha!
Shit! I put an asterisk in and then forgot to add the footnote. It wasn’t a very good footnote anyway. I am sure that anything you can make up for yourselves will be better than what I was going to put.
The environmental damage of manufacturing and delivering a car is supposed to be pretty high compared to the environmental damage of running it for its lifetime, so making them last longer would almost certainly make them more environmentally friendly.
Who gives a crap how car companies – or other manufacturers for that matter – work? Is our purpose here really to help make companies more profitable? Fuck the car companies, I think the environment/conserving the world’s resources is a little bit more important.
That said, please do not think for a moment I am siding with Mr. Irons. Giving out austerity lessons to the masses when you run multiple cars, from the luzury of one of your multiple houses or castle (pink or otherwise – but if it was pink, that would be worse) is always going to be a good way to mark yourself out as a hypocritical prick.
At least he’s not one of the ones advocating some sort of restriction on having children. You know, that policy that nearly everyone seems to want to enforce on everyone except themselves.
“Who gives a crap how car companies – or other manufacturers for that matter – work?”
I don’t give a crap how car companies work, particularly, but I kind of do give a crap that all companies in the West work in the same way. I’m with Churchill on this one: capitalism is the “least worst system” developed so far.
And capitalism kind of requires car companies to keep making cars, I’m afraid. Can you imagine what a mass-produced car with a planned forty-year lifetime would look like? You’d have to paint the fucking thing every few years, no? What environmental impact would that have? Plus you’d have to re-upholster the seats when your kids wear a hole in them, or at least cover the hole with an iron-on patch (yeah, I can see that working – the Jeremy Irons “Iron-Man” Car Seat Iron-On Patch featuring environmentally-friendly scenes from Brideshead Revisited). It would basically look like a run-down, horse-drawn coach with an engine. Which is how cars looked originally, actually. I’m not entirely sure Jeremy has thought this one through. Or thought at all, for that matter.
Not intended as a criticism, One of the Eds. If anything, I’m just twisting the knife in Jeremy Irons’s self-inflicted wound.
And yet, if I saw footage of Jeremy Irons actually saying all this I would start nodding and agreeing. Curse his acting powers!
I thought it was democracy that Churchill said was the worst form of government except all others tried. The capitalist model we use relies on ever greater consumption of resources in order to improve our quality of life. I’m all in favour of quality of life, but if a small increase in our quality of life is offset by a reduction in the quality of life by people in poorer countries, or future generations, or both, it’s not really fair.
I read somewhere that for the current population of earth to enjoy western-levels of “quality of life” that it would take, like, 3 earths. Something like that anyway. If that’s true, then either our quality of life is too high, or the world population is too high, or both, to be sustainable. So I hope it’s not! As a starting point, i’d be willing to accept a shabby-looking car.
I reckon the environmental cost of a coat of paint, if required, would be rather less that the cost of a new car.
I used to buy into all that make-do-with-less sustainability shit as well when I was younger. Now I am not so sure. The more we consume, the fewer children we have, because it “costs so much to have kids these days”. The less we consume, the less there is to consume, and the less wealth is created (and the less wealth we need, I suppose?) and the more children we have so as to support us in our old age (not just in terms of money but as carers).
Not wishing to give the idea that I don’t give a flying fuck about the environment; I do. I am strongly in favour of pollution control and policing – the BP disaster is a fucking scandal, for example, simply because it was 100% preventable. It’s just that I have grown suspicious of the “let’s consume less and be more sustainable” conventional wisdom. I especially don’t fucking believe it when I see Jeremy Irons with his seven houses or whatever pontificating about consuming less and having less and so on and so forth.
Plus, er, “I read somewhere… that we’d need three earths” sounds a bit like one of those factoids that tree-huggers pluck out of the air, frankly. Quite apart from the fact that the actual figure would be something like 2.87653812 earths, it is what The Economist calls “Malthusian bosh”. Malthus was right, incidentally – the population of the earth at the time he was writing would have collapsed from starvation, BUT then loads of agricultural developments were made, which Malthus didn’t know would happen.
Michael Crichton once made a good point about this. In 1900 the population of New York was approximately half a million. (I might be inaccurate in my memory.) If you told the people of NY then than by 2000 there would be eight million people living in the same area, their first reaction would be, “How will they handle all the horse shit?”
Er, that was Churchill on Democracy not Capitalism!
Capitalism kind of requires tobacco companies to keep on selling cigarettes. It doesn’t make it a good thing.
Capitalism isn’t an absolute that has to be supported or opposed in monolithic terms. It is up to people to decide how much Capitalism we want. Opinions vary but “Enough to make us all reasonably rich but not enough to destroy the planet and kill us all” could turn out to be quite a popular compromise.
I would like to think that the petrol/diesel driven private car doesn’t have another 40 years life in it anyway but approaching it from an engineering perspective this is perfectly possible. The car would have to be designed to be easily disassembled, repaired/refurbished/upgraded and reassembled. Buses and trains are designed in this way and they manage in-service lives of up to 50 years even though they get a lot more use than any private car. That said, 40 years probably is pushing it a bit.
Surely no more than painting the new car that would otherwise replace it, never mind actually making it and shipping it? Repainting cars might be a little labour intensive but it actually sounds like a decent industry creating lots of locally based jobs all over the world. You see, even the old Capitalists can make money out of this, provided they accept that things have to change and get into the new industries that will replace the old ones. If not, new Capitalists will.
Er, yes, you would. Or you could pay someone else to do it for you. I don’t see the problem.
Careful, you’re channelling a different Jeremy now…
In the future, nobody will care if your car looks a little less than pristine. They will have far bigger problems.
Nonsense. Like a well maintained bus, train or classic car, it could look exactly the same as it did when it was brand new, if that is what the owner wants, or it could be substantially upgraded within the scope of its modular design.
What we have to get away from is cars being treated as fashion accessories, penis substitutes and big toys for big berks. It may drive car sales but it also drives excessive car replacement and sales of pointlessly large and powerful cars to twats. Quite apart from the environmental cost, this is knackering our balance of payments.
Of course not. He is just a pompous git (like we all are) regurgitating other people’s opinions and trying to sound clever (like we all do most of the time). That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have a reasonably valid point, albeit a recycled one, in this instance.
Even a stopped clock…
I am someone who has worked in the car industry.
You would not believe the number of miles travelled by all the components that go into a car these days. Half of the components are made by “disposable people” in China,India and Mexico to drive down costs. Health and saftey requirements are seen as “overhead” and all the work goes to the lowest bidder. This is capitalism at work. The folk in the poorer countries get more wealth and we lose our semi skilled manufacturing to lower cost countries.
I’m not saying I’m a big tree hugging hippy or anything, and I drive to work.
I like the idea of fairness and like the idea of having a planet to leave to my kids. Is it possible there is a better way?
Bad sandwich – white ice cream magnum and cajun chicken.
tw@basket.com seems to be on the same page.
“Enough to make us all reasonably rich but not enough to destroy the planet and kill us all” could turn out to be quite a popular compromise.
That works for me.
Okay. Fair points about the long-life vehicles. (e.g. trains, buses etc., glossing over the fact that these can cost millions). Fair points about repainting, refitting &c creating local jobs. Fair points.
I simply do not accept that in the future people “will have far bigger problems”. I think that is conventional, received wisdom with no actual basis in fact. Whatever problems we will have in future are utterly, utterly unpredictable now and future generations will slap their thighs laughing at our arrogance in thinking we can predict them.
I have a big problem with one class of people telling another class of people how much they should have. I have a very big problem with that.
Just got the memo: We are supposed to be making up imaginative names for animal genitalia… Sorry to go off topic.
My contribution:
Moonpig’s mangled manhole
Shit, pigfrottage is right. Thanks.
Mountain gorilla’s man-sized minge.
Agreed.
Er, warthog’s wilted willy? Have we had that already?
When I said “man-sized” earlier, I meant, “of a size that would admit a man. (All of said man.)”
‘tarded tradigrade’s tarpit?
I’m not sure I should risk insulting tradigrades though. They may well end up ruling the earth.
Chaffinch’s half-inch linchpin-winch?
Has anyone noticed that the Ubuntu releases are all called after animal fannies? Well, almost.
I think it’s actually spelled ‘tardigrade’, which goes much more nicely with ‘tarded’… so, yeah, no, I really have nothing more worthwhile to contribute today.
Well, apart from -
Pestilent Pangolin’s Pus-bag
Sorry for being right. Won’t happen again.
What a bluetit batty.
This is the first time I’ve seen a building argument defused by all parties unilaterally deciding to enter a contest to come up with the best vaginal reference possible.
And I like it.
Could this be a blueprint for settling international differences? Remember folks, you read it here first.
I can just imagine North and South Korea arguing about whether “gaping grasshopper gash” is superior to “mangled marmoset minge”.
Might stop them torpedoeing each other.
I was on holiday in Mexico once and I actually saw a gaping grasshopper gash. (Don’t laugh, I’m not making this up.) The locust in question was sitting peacably on the windowsill of the departures lounge at Cancun Airport. It was big enough to easily beat most UK garden birds in a fair fight. A robin, thrush, nuthatch etc. would not have lasted ten seconds in the ring with this beastie, nossir. It had the length and wingspan of an adult blackbird. And wouldn’t you know it, but of course your intrepid reporter peeked around the back and, hey! There it was. One grasshopper’s gaping gash. In Mexico they probably have insectiality laws. (Hold off the insulting comments on the size of my wedding tackle, which is 100% normal thank you very much.)
It reminds me of those old I-Spy books that were around when I was younger. You know, like the “I Spy book of Animal Fannies”. If you ticked them all off and sent in the book to the publishers, they got one of the secretaries to sign it pretending to be the I-Spy Red Indian Chief (yes, really. Although now he’s probably called the All-Inclusive Al Qaeda Candystriped Chief Terrorist Suicide Bomber or something).
do you think those “energy lines” give you cancer? i think someone should notify the mail, just in case.
Fuck dem blockquotes