spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Darren for introducing me to the world of scott. I’m not normally a fan of the long comments – most of the Have Your Say gnomes have already splooged their stupid within the first three sentences and it’s no fun watching them wank themselves sore for another thousand words. Scott is different. He’s not quite as cheery as Andy Kadir-Buxton, but his essays are not the self-absorbed whining typical of HYS. More often, they seem to be enthusiastically ludicrous “solutions” to the world’s problems. His brain is full of lego and numbers and exuberance and terrorists. Lots and lots of terrorists.

There’s just way too much of it to post, so I’m just going to edit together a few bits of his posts into a single incoherent mess. This might seem a little unfair but, really, it’s not. Every single word he writes is so awesomely mental that, by removing a few and taking bits out of context, I’m making him appear more coherent than he actually is.

BP never planed on filling that pipe up to stop the oil leak.
i know this, i told them 100% how to seal the leak by, making kelir air bags that explode like a cars air bag & block the leak.

sorry, kelir / kevlar is a bullet proof material. real strong & can even stop a bullet. i would say if it can stop a bullet it can handle that pressure. don’t even think a sharp knife can cut it too. so it would hold the pressure easy.

just think. if you are in a pool or spare, & stick your finger in the hole blowing out water, it will go in easy. if you try cover the whole hole with your hand, it will not go in / will be forced out.

That or freeze it with liquid nitrogen. run some thin pipes down to the junction, left & right 20 meters in. then spray out that stuff to freeze it soiled.
scott

I’m going to pause for a moment and give you a chance to bail out. The stuff above was entry-level. In a moment, we’re going to see Scott answering the question “Is there enough support for the armed forces?”. You’re probably not up to this.

Maybe go make yourself a cuppa first.

K? K… deep breath…

Taliban using civilians as shields.
Use
Heat weapons
Getting the Taliban away from the civilians

The Taliban hide within the civilians, they will walk with a group of civilians to try stop you from killing them.
So sometimes you will close in on them & they will run up to a group of civilians & walk with them, or will have them all at gun point.
Do this.
You will use heat weapons or Sound weapons to make the civilians & Taliban all move away from each other, then you can make the kill.

Try use the gun on the unmanned drone. This way when you get them 10 meters apart, the gun on the unmanned drone can kill the terrorist safely in a 7 to 15 metre radios.

Right now you just drop a bomb on them all, Instead of using a gun & using a sound weapon or heat weapon to move them apart. Well, you don’t use the gun, & if you do, you will kill the civilians. This is the way around that, heat weapon.

They will at least move them 15 to 40 meters apart in 7 – 20 seconds, that means if they are 7 to 10 meters apart, you can use the gun.
Put the same gun on the unmanned drone as the gun on the Apache helicopter. That gun fire about 6 m by 6 meters, killing anyone in the middle of that 6 meters.

Heat weapon
When they fill pain, they will run as fast as they can, that should give you at least 10 meters distains up to 40 meters. So sometimes you can use a bomb.

Try put 3 heat weapons into the unmanned drone.
Try start a easy system that the unmanned drone can use 3 heat weapons at once, & it can point them in the middle of them forcing them apart.
Even if you only use 1 heat weapon, it will still move them apart.
But if you use 3 heat weapons you could use them to move 20 people right apart.

This will allow you to separate them from each other, leaving the terrorist out in the open. Then once they are 7 – 15 meters apart, you can use the unmanned drones gun to take them out safely.
So they will be at least 9 meters apart, giving you meters apart to spray bullets at the terrorist.
I would say most of the time they would be up to 40 meters apart. Then you can use a small missile if needed.

Make the gun rotate 360 degrease on the unmanned drone.

If you use the sound weapon it would have to travel a long way/// the troops on the ground could use the sound weapon// but the unmanned drone will be very high up so it mite not work.
so you will only use the heat weapon on the unmanned drone.
I think the heat weapon can work from a massive distance.
So it would be perfect for the unmanned drone. If not fly the unmanned drone lower so it will work.
So only fly it lower if that happens.

The troops on the ground can use sound weapons or heat weapons. That will push all of the people apart.

Terrorist in houses with civilians

Use sleeping gas to flush them outside or to put them to sleep. That’s if you don’t want to use stun bombs to keep them secret for a massive war,

Use the sleeping gas to put them to sleep.
This way the terrorist will have to come out or full to sleep.
If they come outside you will have snipers that will take them out & you can use the heat weapon to move them apart.
If they stay inside they will full to sleep.
You can only use sleeping gas, normal smoke will kill them all if they don’t come out.
But sleeping gas will not kill them, it will put them to sleep.

So it said the Taliban got past your troops outpost thermal cameras sensors, by wearing thin foil sheets.

that’s easily fixed.
Start to put movement sensors around the bases / outpost.
Just like a sensor lights at your house. If a cat moves, they will go off / turn on. The smallest or slightest movement will set them off.

Even think about integrating that into inferred vision glasses / unmanned drones.

Must make new sensor to get around this Taliban tactic.

Even lasers pointed everywhere

The Taliban put check points of there own on roads,,,,

You must start to put boat style bacons at all your check points,,, so a signal that will go out..

So use your unmanned planes to fly around, when they see a check points & the signal is not there, they can blow up the Taliban fake check points ..

Iraq / Afghanistan
Check points
1.7 meter check points, NO more truck bombs killing 400 people.

WHAT DID I SAY TO DO IN IRAQ.
IF there is a area where there is more then 50 people, put check points all the way around.

No cars can be near a group of more them 30 people.

cameras at check points.
They will get death if seen letting them past knowing they have explosives in the car.

Put cameras at all check points, then see who is letting them past. Death.

Do this.

Also make 99% of check points 1.7 meter high. That will stop check point police letting them past even if they wanted too.

So only 1 road to the markets will have non 1.7 meter check points. If they try turn off, they will hit a 1.7 meter check point.
Know more truck bombs again.

thats just 3 plans that will win the war on its own. there are many more & they are all being planed right now / months ago, to be done right. thats why you think the war is lost. its only just started.

90% of my strategy’s have not even started yet.
i mean after all, i did come up with 90% of Iraq strategy minimum, & about 99% of Afghanistan.

so everyone should just wait & see. the war is over within the next 2 /3 years, & mass troops pulled out in 5 years, sending all other troops on the borders of Afghanistan, will massive strategy’s to crush anyone tying to cross the border.

i could be here for 200 hours saying every strategy. so so many, massive strategy’s. plus, don’t what to tell them may other massive ideas.
scott

Yep, massive. 7 to 10 metres.

Charlotte Church, looking all manky. It’s an opportunity to observe some of the formulaic reactions amongst the commenterati of Britain’s most absorbent newspaper.

1) “I don’t care, so much that I’m going to leave a long comment on the article telling everyone exactly why I don’t care.”

So what????? The girl does’nt even look stressed. Will she be the first woman to ever put things in the booth of a car. One must remember in this country the UK women don’t really need men as the government/authoritieshas put in place the housing progam that entitiles women to accommodation flats/houses and benefits so all one needs to do is find a sperm donor. ok? Everyday these women just make more children sometimes not even knowing who the father is but they get more money and bigger houses. Huray, huray, one of the reasons why the youths in this country is lost. No father figure; to much pack food and same sex parenting in lovely 1st world UK.
Belles, London/UK

Next, Belles shows us all how this voting thing is all bollocks by joining the BNP and getting to the polls at 7am. This will be followed by a lesson on how to care for your children while you’re at bingo by leaving them on a high shelf with a box of matches for a rattle. And some bleach in a Teletubbies cup. And arranging for Sidney Cooke to drop in to check on them.

Interesting to note how Belles believes that Charlotte Church amassed her fortune by popping out babies and claiming housing benefit, and is a lesbian. Even more interesting is how the education system doesn’t cop the blame.

2) “Famous people are just the same as everyone else. Especially me.”

Poor charlotte- she aint going to know what has hit her. It is really hard to be left with 2 young kids on your own, I know, cos it happened to me. She will really need the support of her own family and friends, as she struggles to make life seem as normal as possible for the children. But, they, like most kids, wont be fooled and she faces some awful conversations with those kids in the months and years to come, never mind the problems of Parent’s Evening at school, and the endless ddiscussions every Christmas and birthday that the kids have to split between mums family and dads family.. Even when they pass 18, it doesnt really get any easier, cos they still feel that need to please both sides of their divided family, and if either mum or dad eventually re-marry, then that brings problems of its own too. It is just too easy to give up on a relationship, as it is also so easy to bring children into the world. And, too easy to give up on it all. Very sad.
sukey, shropshire

Either the longest example of ironic warblings ever to grace the pages of the Daily Mail, or – and this is what I think is more likely – sukey thinks that Charlotte Church is famous for rooting through the specials bins at Netto and, when she was younger, hanging out by the Spar on the high street asking people to go in and get her a bottle of Diamond White and ten Regal. Not once does she realise that the kids will be able to get all the information they need from the internet, while the only thing sukey‘s kids will be able to get from the internet is a MySpace predator.

3) “My wife left me and won’t let me see the kids.”

The last time they were pictured together a month or so ago he was the one who looked down in the mouth and she was obviously wearing the trousers in the relationship.

The worm seems to have turned and told her to shove her money and her attitude where the sun don’t shine.

She’ll never find a dad for “her” kids as good as their real dad and it looks like she knows it now …… all too late.

We don’t know what we have until we lose it.
John, Stonehaven

It’s funny because it’s bitter and tragic!

4) “I’m a huge, stupid bell-end.”

If these two had brains they would be dangerous.
big phil, london england

Yes, big phil, I imagine if they had brains, they’d be really dangerous. If you added a set of brains to them, they might just have really successful careers in their respective fields, be household names (especially in their own, seven bedroomed mansion households), have multi-million pound fortunes, and have the minutae of their lives dragged through all the really classy newspapers all the fucking time. If only they had brains.

What shall we do about gangs eh?

Get their parents in to have major brain surgery to fix their inability to take responsibility for their children. Maybe when that’s fixed a more responsible child will hit the streets. In the meantime, when they’re caught for violent crimes give them a sentence that fits the crime, if they go to prison for 10 years they should do 10 years and no luxuries when they’re inside. Prison is supposed to be a punishment not a vacation, so follow monesterial practices, make them pray for foregiveness for the crime they have committed, provide them with just the bare necessities to survive.
Toothpick Harry

Brilliant! We should follow this through to it’s conclusion though. Why bother building prisons when we could just remove the bit of their brain that committed the crime and replace it with a bit of brain that thinks it’s been in prison (or a monastery) for 20 years without any luxuries? The more I think about it, the more I realise that any problem can be fixed by major brain surgery! Can’t spell “monastery” or “forgiveness”? Brain surgery! Education? Fuck that, just use brain surgery! This brain surgegry thing has really got me excitenig. It’s the bESt IDEA EVA. Unless… maybe I’ve had had major brain surgery to make nig think me what brain surgery is a goodnig idea? But how would would I know? Who cares? BRIAN SUGARY! It’s not exactly brain sugary!

From Laura, Ken and Kelly: How common are fox attacks on humans?

Right here in Woodford there are foxes who come into open kitchen doors and steal runners [trainers] shoos etc .They are as bold as brass, and very cheeky, the problem is people feed them and they come around looking for scraps. Wolves might get rid of them, but they may be a step too far.
Mr C Quinn, Ilford London England

The Reith Lectures – “What We’ll Never Know”.

Ever wondered what it’d be like if Nigel Tufnel ate Timothy Leary’s handbag and then gave a lecture on astronomy, the speed of light, information and A Very Big Number? Nor me, and yet here it is.

It is impossible for humans to know everything, we are restricted in our knowledge by time and distance.

There are infinate things that we know of but just cannot do/achieve/experience ourselves now or even by a million years into the future.

I have a little print out above my computer monitor which I scribbled a few years ago. It says-

Infinity of knowledge

Knowledge is so great that even if human knowledge was enough to fill the density of a billion worlds, it would still be significantly less than one trillionth of knowledge still to learn.

We have computers that can count numbers that most of us would just find impossible to even get a grasp of. We know of numbers that even if humans counted one by one for a trillion years it would still take a bigger/greater number of years than most people could understand.

Humans will never know so much because we are just so limited.

Most people do not know what number a “googol” is. Its a number with 1000 zeros, its impossible for a human to count up to it without the aid of technology, (the numbber 1 million just has 6 zeros in comparison). A number that is so astranomically bigger than a “googol” is a “googol plex”. A “googolplex” is so vast that we do not even know what it is so a googolplex plus one is an impossibility to know and is basically irrelevent.

To travel to outside our planetry neighbourhood would take much longer than the lifetime of one individual, hence even travelling for a million lifetimes we would not be able to reach that which we can see via telescopes etc. Which means that ALL the available knowledge of ALL that which is just in one direct linear line 1mm wide is beyond our capacity to have knowledge about, let alone 360 degrees around us.

In all things, if we were to measure our knowledge on a solar ruler in milimetres (one ruler is the distance between the sun and earth), the knowledge we have presently attained is MUCH MUCH less than 1 millionth of millimetre in comparison to knowledge that is waiting out there for humans to try and learn about.

I think the greatest knowledge we can have is that which we know about the wonderous events which led us to our existance and that knowledge which we are capable of using to maximise our continued existance for as long as humanly possible.
MrWonderfulReality

What a speech! Someone fetch this man some robes! From this day forth I shall gaze up into the cosmos with a renewed sense of wonder. Future generations of scientists will describe the day when, as young children, they ravenously devoured the words of MrWonderfulReality and first knew that they would dedicate their lives to studying… um.. massive great.. um.. stuff.. and .. well.. you know.. googolplonkers and numbers and sky-millimetres and.. like.. complicated, whirly, infinite shit.

Why are you still sat there reading this??? GO AND BUY A FUCKING TELESCOPE.

Should the drink-drive limit be cut?

Absolutely. Anyone who drives should give up drinking, after all its ok to tell smokers to give up so no problem there. Oh no, wait, what’s that I hear? The roar of double standards approaching……..
Richard

I’ve got a mental image of a noisy lion called “Double Standards”. He’s well known for his roaring. He lives in a zoo with “Political Correctness” the zebra, a termite colony known as “The Silent Majority” and a lonely, overfed walrus called “Indigenous Cock Haemorrhage”.

UK has already the lowest drink driving ofences in Europe even though the limit is higher than all the other countries. However because in the other countries the limit is lower it just catches more people and they actually have a higher number of offences.

Can I smell revenue generator?
Infowars

“Revenue Generator” the stinky giraffe? Nah mate. That’s “Double Standards” you can smell. He’s approaching.

Apparently everyone at the world cup is blowing these plastic horns called vuvuzelas and they’re making everything sound like b-flat.

If it is a constant note then surely erecting a massive speaker broadcasting the same note in reversed amplitude will counteract it and make it virtually disappear. Same prinicipal as in cockpits and noise cancelling equipment. But then all it will take is the next generation of vuvuzela, a few hundred Hz off frequency for this expensive equipment to be rendered useless… even worse this will then be heard to make a loud noise of its own with nothing to cancel it out.
Mark Dowle, Abingdon, UK

It seems so obvious but, like so many apparently brilliant ideas, it turns out to cause more problems than it solves. The “Massive Amplitude-Reversed Drone Speaker” (MARDS) was actually built just after the war, by scientists who hoped it could cancel out the sound of fascism. These boffins tuned it to an annoying frequency, and then left it droning on and on about how brilliant it is. Sadly, after a terrible calibration error, MARDS thinks it invented television, teenagers, custard, “being over 30″, tennis, “being over 40″, the printing press, talking loudly, ignoring people, “being over 50″, “being over 60″, droning, and sesame seeds. We know it now as Janet Street-Porter and nobody can work out how to turn the fucking thing off.

Thanks to Heidi and a few other peeps who squirted this one up my tube. Not sure what the subject was. Something along the lines of “The internet gives a fuck. Honest. Send advice please”.

the question should be save not spend.
I agree that the NHS should be “protected” I do not believe that government, or anybody should not allow the NHS to defend their place in the market place.
I have visited several hospitals all over, and I park myself in a strategic place for 5 minutes and write the activities going on around me. Excluding cleaning staff, in the best case 41 staff, Doctors, Nurses, Admin etc. walked past. Doing nothing but walking up and down corridors, the worst case there were 76 people of similar stature, just walking several with clip boards, doing absolutely nothing. The average of all the Hospitals together is 52.3 persons per 5 minute spell (any time but mainly daytime) that equates to 5020.8 people doing nothing in an 8 hour period. Forgive me if I seem a little too simplistic but even if you half the number 2510.4 is much to many. Take into consideration that “anything can be moved from one place to another as many times as you like and you will not add a penny value to it. surely the largest single saving can be made in hospital efficiency just pouring tax payers £ in will do nothing to improve the situation, in fact all it is paralleled to is government spending on Quangos.
weallmustvote

The latest results (from people with white coats n everything) will only add to your concerns. Lord Professor Baron Robertstache Winistroni sat in a lift for an hour and concluded that doctors and nurses spend the entire day just going up and down… up and down… up and down. Seriously. As soon as one of the fuckers got out at the top, another one would get straight back in and go all the way down again! I mean. What the actual fuck are they playing at? Even more worryingly, a squad of crack boffins (from the Smethwick Rolfe Street branch of Greggs) spent all day sat in the bog and concluded that around 15% of NHS staff are doing a poo! And the other 85% are pissing like horses! I’m going to keep a close eye on my doctor next time I see him, that’s for sure. You can keep your poo-hands where I can see them, Mr Shitty.

Anyway. Thanks for your contribution to this very important science result. This is how progress is made. Sometimes, it takes a true visionary to ask questions so obvious that nobody else bothered. Questions like “What happens in corridors?” and “Has anybody on the bus seen my shoe?”.

O mankind, thy nature be thy downfall!

See, the problem with us humans is our duality and shit, the eternal raging battle between our loftier ideals and our raw, bestial urges. For every word of Baudelaire there’s at least two thousand glued-shut copies of Razzle littering the hedgerows of Lancashire alone.

And nowhere is our species’ tragic condition more evident than in these two generous slices of pungent cheese, thoughtfully cut by Randy from some HYS nonsense about some telly programme or something.

There is nothing to which television shows will not sink to attract bigger audiences: Ok, the lowest common denominator is where the action is, tells us a lot about our so-called civilisation!
ian cheese

An admirable stance, Mr cheese! But then, having spent all of three minutes drooling through his vibrating Bundy eyeballs at Corin’s norks, he gets the horn and we see his high horse bolt from under him to dry-hump a Bravissimo catalogue.

I hope the female wrestler is a lesbian & make love to the beauty queens & the dwarf will be the voyeur.
ian cheese

Christ alone knows how he managed it, but if you look at the above post in its original context, you’ll find it’s actually stained with gobs of tear-diluted jism.

I found “Nice One Son” gamely combining ignorance with arrogance and so mistaking “stuff he doesn’t know” for “stuff nobody could possibly know”.

Think the question was something like “Can science save the planet?”.

No they can’t.

Science still cannot answer basic questions;

1. Why are we here?
2. Why do we grow old and die?
3. How can all of this have happened by chance?

Basic questions that need answers.
Nice One Son

I boggled at this for a while, and tried to work out how it had happened. I imagined myself in his shoes and everything became unclear. The shoes were shite and I didn’t know anything. Then I forgot what I was doing. Then I decided to tell the BBC what I’d done today – in case they wanted to use it on the news.