Alasdair found this comment on the Sky News website, about that very young man who climbed that very tall mountain. Someone wasn’t impressed.
I know its a great achievement and well done and all that but why isn’t he at school. If i tried to take my lad out of school to climb everest i’d have the school fining me and the social services arresting me for putting him in danger. Not that my lad would want to climb a mountain but you see my point. Never the less well done to him.
muddy90
In a strange parallel world, where social services have the power of arrest and the internet is a roadside cafe just off the North Circular, muddy90 sits alone in the corner, drinking from a chipped mug. He looks a bit like Charlie from Eastenders, but thicker. His childhood dreams of conquering the earth’s highest peak remain unfulfilled, and his son is unwilling to live them out for him, being more interested – as boys are these days – in his Nintendo Megabox, and his Power Rangers, and filming spit-roasts and stabbings on his phone.
A tear rolls down his cheek, falls into his mug. He looks down. His mug’s full of sick. He’s been drinking sick.
127 Responses to “Winners Don’t Climb Mountains”
I notice that the Cooper’s Hill Cheese Rolling took place yesterday despite the best attempts of the authorities to stop it.
Hmmm. That gives me a great idea:
[drum roll...]
Cheese Rolling off Mount Everest!
[fanfare]
[gasps of amazement]
[thunderous applause]
[interest from the International Olympic Committee]
Remember, any sport with less than a 100% fatality rate is obviously for wimps.
Whoah. whoah. whoah.
I can’t tell if that first post is sarcastic and scathing or not and I’m confused. Can we not have a link provided to the Conservativehome blog unless it is saracastic and scathing, thank you.
Just loading the page made me feel like I’d been drinking some of muddy90‘s sick.
Especially since: http://tabloid-watch.blogspot.com/2010/03/mail-creates-new-health-and-safety-myth.html
Finally, I wish I had a Nintendo Megabox. I’ve only just saved up enough for a second controller for my SNES.
Extreme Cheese Rolling… Love it.
Before watching the Sky News report, I knew nothing of cheese rolling and I imagined it to be people rolling huge, wheel-sized cheeses down a hill. (Rather like curling, but faster and with no Canadians.) Imagine my surprise, etc. etc., when it turned out to be people rolling down a hill after a cheese. Is it allowed to use grass skis at this event?
And I think this would be the perfect UK demonstration sport for the London Olympics. (That, and cowpat throwing.)
Back on topic, isn’t that climbing kid Beckham’s son?
@ Barmswin
Nope.
Also i’ve just learned that schools can issue fines.
SCHOOL CAN FINE YOU!
I hope someone starts a facebook group of people refusing to pay these stalinist fines issued by LIEBORE’s PC-agitprop GULAG-schools, ’cause i’m too busy posting shit on every article i can find to have the time to do so.
Oh why won’t someone start a group!
Also, it’s TYPICAL that a kid with a SPANISH surname gets ALL THE TIME OFF SCHOOL HE LIKES, while MY born and bread ENGLISH kids etc etc god i want to punch myself in the dick
Stop me if I’m being controversial… but I think the vomit-quaffing bellend may be on to something.
If people want to climb Everest or ski to the North pole or sail round the world in a tall ship on their gap year, that’s fine. But I’m not sure that rich-kid-has-expensive-adventure-on-gap-year gives me a warm glow of admiration any more.
What a lovely little anecdote. It made me feel like I was in his seat in the cafe, drinking vomit and having sexual thoughts about Nick Griffin.
Also, muddy90 is a whale’s wang.
@damon
That’s very cynical. If he was that rich he wouldn’t be taking $500 donations to fund the expedition.
Cheese Rolling just gets better and better! Not only is it dangerous to do it, it is dangerous just to turn up and watch it. I really hope that they decide on Mount Everest for next year’s venue. It is the only way this could get any more sublime.
@Barmswin
“I think Jordan’s very marketable,” says Drew Simmons, owner of Pale Morning Media, a public relations agency that advises outdoor recreation businesses. Romero, he says, is an attractive, popular teenager with a huge potential to cash in on his adventures.
“He’s young. He’s fresh. As far as the outdoor industry’s concerned, he’s really hit the nail on the head with this active youth message that his ostensible goal is to convince other kids to get off the couch and set their own goals,” said Simmons.
It’s not the kid’s fault. Looks like he has pushy parents determined to have a famous child.
How about Anne Frank? She stayed at home for 2 years without attending school. Don’t the Dutch have any law requiring kids to be educated?
If the UK was occupied by the Nazi’s you can be damn sure my grandmother would have been reprimanded by the authorities if she had kept my dad at home.
Drew Simmons; further proof that people who work in PR aren’t really people.
`About as much use as Anne Frank’s drumkit.’
My favourite simile
One of mine as well. I love the little pang of PC guilt I get when I use it. Again. And again.
Can I make a pun about Everest being a near-homophone of ‘Ave a Rest, and muddy90 thinking that he’s, eh… fuck it, never mind.
Oh, and that just could be High Speed Vomit he’s drinking.
My own favourite simile is “About as useful as an interpreter with Tourette’s syndrome”. Beats an ashtray on a motorbike any day.
Possible nicknames the boy will receive upon returning to school:
Everpest
Sherpa Titzing
Frosty Cock
Gay Boy
I’d go with “Insufferable Cunt” myself. Can you imagine being a schoolboy and competing with that?
(two boys are trying to impress a girl)
“Last night I scored 2 million points in Tekken 2!”
“Oh, really? I’ve scaled Everest.”
(pause)
“With or without oxygen?”
(but it’s too late, the girl is already in Insufferable Cunt’s arms)
I sort of like “Insufferable Cunt”. Since my previous identity change has been rumbled, I think I’ll use that one from now on.
Unless teenage girls have changed radically in the 18 years since I gave up being one, I don’t think climbing Everest is going to pull the babes. Unless his newly weatherbeaten face and adventurer beard (he must have one, you’re not allowed to climb Everest if you haven’t got a beard) allow him to purchase alcohol without ID. Then he’ll get the babes. Babes don’t like stories about frostbite, they like booze.
Girls like boys who are popular with other girls. As far as I can tell. I have no direct experience
I’m going out on a limb here, but maybe a boy who has actually scaled Everest might raise his sights just a teeny weeny bit higher than babes who can drink four flagons of scrumpy. That is to say, he will be going after the chicks with PROSPECTS. Beautiful anorexic heiresses who can pay for his mountaineering habit.
You know it makes sense.
Who says he has a choice? Seems to me that his hothousing control freak parents will have a big say.
Who’s to say that he’s not an actual child prodigy? Although to be a mountain-climbing prodigy you would theoretically have to be dead by the time you’re twenty, preferably while you’re actually scaling the 14th and final eight-thousander.
Isn’t it precisely “the rich” who would expect others to pay for their adventures and who could afford to invest in the fundraising infrastructure so that they turn a profit and some other mug ends up forking out.
Same as why the rich pay less tax than anyone else and give away less of their income than anyone else.
It’s the character failure that makes them rich in the first place.
Sorry to drag things off topic but just spotted this on the Daily Mail website in relation to civil servants’ salaries.
Currently the third highest rated reply, over 200 people either didn’t read the post properly or just really, really want a free bear
@eye of a needle – it’s also the rich who would ask for donations of a minimum of $100. If this was a poor kid he’d be going round his neighbourhood collecting the odd 50 cents. He’d probably get enough, as well, because he’d be supported by a community instead of an outdoor pursuits conglomerate.
@eye
You can assume that most of the stuff you read here (certainly everything I’ve ever posted) was written with a cheekful of tongue.
The website screams ‘slick PR’. I’m sure they could have funded it entirely from press coverage and sponsorship. Their cause seems novel but not entirely worthy…I’d send my $100 elsewhere, if I had it lying around in the first place.
I’m a little puzzled by
How? Isn’t this the opposite of how tax works? It’s certainly the opposite of what the Office of National Statistics says.
Character is relative. Perhaps your not-richness is due to character failure?
@SoulBoy
norm, Bulgaria couldn’t ever have been an EO – you have to have met certain educational standards, such as English above remedial level.
Fuck me mixing a metaphor is one thing, but this dick manages to mangle it in to complete gibberish.
I think norm needs to understand that Rome wasn’t built on a brass monkey before it hatched.
Or something.
Or something.
Ah, it takes me back to 1982.
“Yesterday I cudent evn spel executiv. Now I are wun.”
Do you know something, if I were 13 and had just returned from scaling Everest and then I Googled myself to see what people were saying about it, because, like, I’m only 13, and I found this page, well… I’d be a bit gobsmacked.
So, I for one elect to lay off the poor guy, pausing only to say: There’s more to life than freezing your nuts off on the roof of the world, kid. Go out and buy some cheap lager and enjoy some fine rutting with a couple of cheapass babes, man.
@Insufferable Cunt
`lay off’ him? What are you, the fairness police?
The worst that’s been said is that he has pushy parents. Which seems pretty self-evident, wouldn’t you say?
Fairness Police? No, I’m an insufferable cunt.
But I’ll get my coat now. It might be late spring, but there could still be a cold snap in the evenings, you know. Ya, it’s the Hello Kitty and Friends leather jacket, thanks.
It’s an amazing achievement – that goes without saying. I almost certainly couldn’t have climbed Everest at 14, let alone 13.
Apparently you need to budget £29,000 per person to climb Everest. It’s about the same to trek to the north Pole; and about the same to sail a Tall Ship round the world. But if you do that they recommend you take £6,000 in *pocket money.*
Personally I am full of admiration for these brave young adventurers.
He has plenty of proper press coverage so SYB would probably not rank highly in a web search, particularly as we don’t mention him my name. He would be more likely to come across the Sky coverage and see muddy90′s inane comment. Even if he did end up here he would see that he isn’t the butt of the joke.
The HYSers who Google themselves and end up here do so because nobody else in the world gives the proverbial pan fried otter bollock about them or their stupid opinions. Imagine pouring out whatever you have in place of a soul into HYS and the only ripple you make in the ocean of public opinion is to be denounced as a twat on here. That must hurt.
“Pan fried otter bollock.” Why do those four words so capture the zeitgeist of animal fanniness? Compare with, for example, deep fried stoat nut, or lightly chargrilled weasel ball. They just don’t have the same effect. Nelson, old chap, it appears you have made your contribution to the English language.
Or, indeed, sautéed ferret marble.
Personally I couldn’t give a fuck. Where have the funnies gone?
Bloody hell, Brimswem/damon green – time for a circle jerk? Of course it is an acheivement he can, and clearly is, proud of… but….
I can safely say if I knew this kid at school I would not have liked him. From the evidence available he sounds and acts like a pretty extreme sycophant. Maybe it was his parents doing, but that is even worse. At fourteen you should have told your parents to ******* themselves with ****** ***** at least three times.
This kid faces interviews for the next couple years that everyone – even news junkies – will be made aware of. Bear that in mind before we all start falling over each other to ‘admire’ this kid.
I liked the tradition in our part of the world where every 1st of June we used to take smug middle-class parents and their ghastly precocious children and roll them down a steep mountain. But now, of course, it’s banned. Health and Safety gone MAD. I’m not voting for them next time, whoever they are.
I too like ‘pan-fried otter bollock’ best. Especially in a dijon mustard sauce. Num num num.
Kisses to you all.
If you’re going to climb Everest, pushy parents are the last thing you want.
brr bit chilly, innit.
I apologise sincerely for the mistaken impression that I give a shit about this clunge.
If anyone else wants to have a go at being sarcastic about a 13-year old kid forced to climb the world’s highest mountain by his ghastly Munchhausen’s-by-proxy parents, be my fucking guest.
I wish I could do that thing with the quotes.
Which proverb includes a pan fried otter bollock?
@damon
[blockquote]you do quotes like this, but use the pointy bracket things above the comma and full stop on your keyboard instead of square brackets[/blockquote]
I’m sure Everest is a very tall mountain and all that, but HAVE YOU SEEN THE GOODIES YOU GET FOR SUPPORTING HIM?
The sheer narcissism aside (the first 20 people to join get “a Jordan approved cool pair of Smith sunglasses”, apparently), kindly note the constant repetition of his full name to accentuate the brand. It’s like those corporate sponsorship things: “Get fit with the McDonaldsTM Get Fit CampaignTM! Under the McDonaldsTM Get Fit CampaignTM, every quadruple-bypass burger gets you three McDonaldsTM Get Fit CampaignTM tokens that your school can use to buy McDonaldsTM Get Fit CampaignTM gym equipment!” And so on.
For my part, I apologise for giving the impression I cared about the 13-year-old. If your ego is big enough to take you to Everest, then your id should be able to take a pan-fried otter bollocking.
Monsters! Monsters from the id!
@Enquiring mind
A rolling pan-fried otter bollock gathers no moss.
So, where is this brewery and is there a limit to the number of free bears to which I might help myself?
@Bugrat
Too bloody right. If people want to share their tedious opinions with the world there’s Have Your Say for that. Now let’s get back to pointing out assorted fucktards and laughing at them.
@Enquiring mind
A rolling pan-fried otter bollock is banned by ZANULIEBORE HEALTH AND SAYFTIE NAZIS!!!!11one
Ah, Forbidden Planet (the film, not N**l Cr**g’s shop).
Luke 9:13 But he said unto them, Give ye them to eat. And they said, We have no more but five loaves, two fishes and a solitary pan fried otter bollock; except we should go and buy meat for all this people.
… which is a parable and not a proverb, arse!
@ Brimswen
I think Eye is probably talking about the tax avoiding, richest 1-2%, not the highest-earning 20%. Those statistics you linked to probably only include people who are domiciled in the UK for tax purposes anyway.
Apologies for the superfluous comma in that first sentence there. I removed some unnecessary, if satisfying, adjectives from my comment before posting, but forgot to remove the accompanying punctuation.
A pan-fried otter bollock in the hand is worth two in the otter’s bollock-sack?
Too many pan-fried otter bollocks spoil the broth?
But that second one isn’t true. I love to see a good helping of delicious crispy PFOBs bobbing around in my soup.
There’s a crock of pan-fried otter bollocks at the end of every rainbow. Yum!
@Reverand Alf Ramsey’s Porn Dungeon
‘Tis neither a parable nor a proverb. ‘Tis a gospel.
On the theme of not being able to make an omelette without breaking eggs:
You can’t make a pan-fried otter bollock without ripping open the poor otter’s ballsack.
Holy shit, three posts in a row (four, now). Anyone would think I was Have Your Lurk and High Speed Vomit combined.
Yes, it’s the Hello Kitty motorcycle jacket, thanks.
A pan-fried otter bollock cannot change its spots, Insufferable Cunt
I, too, apologise for my little bit of self-righteous angry leftyism. Old habits die hard.
A pan-fried otter bollock in the hand is worth two in the otter’s ballsack.
Oh fuck, I’ve done it again. Bollocks (otter or otherwise).
A poor otter always blames his pan-fried bollocks, Masked Debator
Right I’ll stop it now. After all, too many pan-fried otter bollocks spoil the broth.
It’s not rocket surgery is it?
Look, you are all missing the point. Be vary careful when discussing all this mountaineering stuff that you don’t start talking about how high those mountains are in the wrong units!
“If you must use metric measurements which are against the English code, please allow tghose of us, and we are many, to understand by using imperial notation eg. feet.
Thank you.
- Roger Welsh, Bridestowe, UK, 1/6/2010
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1283113/UK-Everest-climber-Peter-Kinloch-turns-blind-dies-conquering-peak.html#ixzz0pgeDUuHW“
… I think you’ve all got it covered. I’ll take the rest of the day off.
This kid climbed Everest – with his Dad and Step ‘mom’. Who are both ‘adventure racers’. So basically, they wanted to do stuff, thought, how are we going to pay for this shit? I know, we’ll drag a child along with us. No one is going to sponsor two middle-aged twats to travel the world, but they’d love to pay $500 to help a 13-year-old scale Everest.
He also climbed Kilamanjiro when he was 9. Well, pffft. I climbed Snowden with Cub Scouts when I was 9, and I payed to go myself, out of my pocket money. I might write a fucking blog about it.
Finally, this tit commenting on Richard Littlejohn’s latest drivel (check it out, he clearly has gay dreams that man), made me laugh:
Oaf, your last comment made me laugh out loud. A pan-fried otter bollock will be winging its way to you as a thank-you. After all, a pan-fried otter bollock a day keeps the doctor away.
I would have thought that a pan-fried otter bollock a day keeps the otter away. Far, far fucking away.
Just claim it’s religious observance. Then they’ll only arrest you if it’s a Christian thing. FACT!!1
Give a man a pan-fried otter bollock and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to pan-fry otter bollocks, and the bastard will be roaming our English (not British) waterways castrating OUR wildlife and sending pan-fried otter bollocks back home for his hundreds of wives to make into otter bollock curry.
If I’m right.
Could you make that a Quorn otter bollock as I’m vegetarian? I’m sure they make them.
God, shut up!
I will not!
Once an otter bollock, always an otter bollock.
Anyone else read this with a “while” between “me” and “mixing”?
{blockquote}[blockquote]you do quotes like this, but use the pointy bracket things above the comma and full stop on your keyboard instead of square brackets[/blockquote]{/blockquote}
jesus, i am so shit
Kenneth Keane, of course, knows better than to imagine that anyone is interested in HIM. Such self-awareness is rare indeed.
SUCCESS!!!!!!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Posters on HYS
Are pan-fried otter bollocks.
Great Moments in Punctuation, vol. 1.
The smiley:
The frowney:
The pan-fried otter bollock: .
Haaaaaa. SMILEY AND FROWNEY FAAAAAAAAAAAIL.
The “Smiley” and “Frowney” work fine from where I’m sat, although you are coming across more and more autistic as this thread goes on.
This isn’t a problem, I just thought I’d mention it.
<blockquote>
Anyone? No?
Um, artistic has an ‘r’ in it, Richard Littlejohn’s Funny Bollock…
imminent
Yeah, you’re right…. And i notice in a previous post I wrote “payed” instead of “paid”.
Being in Littlejohn’s groinal area instead of his humourless area is clearly getting to me.
It’s called Otterly Bollocky, if I’m right (or am I thinking of, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Bollocks?)..
A pan-fried otter bollock in time saves me from having to pan-fry an entire riverbank of otters’ testicular arrangements.
Never mind the Sex Pistols, here’s the pan fried otters bollocks.
A stunning fusion of mid 70′s punk and Heston Blumenthal’s leftovers.
“Take two otters in to the shower? I just ferret and go.”
Every pan-friend otter bollock has a silver lining.
True fact.
Pan friend? Jesus Christ. I demand an edit function, or alternatively a functioning brain.
I wish I could meet Sandra Bullock. Few things would be as satisfying as offering her a pan-fried otter Bullock.
“jesus, i am so shit”
Actually, you were pretty much there, but you used the weird pointless wavy brackets instead of the pointy ones. The pointy ones that are actually greater-than and lower-than signs, if you remember those halycon days of maths lessons. I’ll type them out below, but it’ll probably fuck something up.
Yep. Hell. On my keyboard, the pointy brackets are what you get when you press shift + comma and shift + full stop. Any help?
Hint: He’s talking about .
You’d never think I had a degree in computer science, would you? Let’s try that again.
Hint: he’s talking about > and <.
You know, when it comes to explaining HTML, a pan-fried otter bollock is worth a thousand &s.
And an otter and its pan-fried bollock are soon parted.
A pan fried otter’s bollock in the hand is worth two up Kate Bush?
I’d say that’s the last of the funny wrung out of that particular saying..
Just spotted another armchair detective in the Graham of Torrevieja Spain class.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article7143018.ece
I’d take the piss out of Mandy for calling 30 seconds’ worth of googling “research”, but I can’t even be bothered to put the 30 seconds myself to check his facts.
(I’d much rather spend the 30 seconds explaining my apathy.)
@Dr Cocknballs
Reductio ad Bush!
@Reverand.
Ah, the spell used by lady wizards in the Harry Potter books as a less painful alternative to the bikini wax. If I’m right.
I was so bored that I did a Google image search on ‘pan fried otter bollock’.
This is the top hit:
http://lighterfootstep.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/spaghetti_with_pesto_600-590×393.jpg
(SFW. really)
I’d rather have a pan-fried otter bollock in front of me, than a weasel’s lightly grilled nut inside of me. I think.
Meanwhile over at:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article7143018.ece
I see it as a criminal failing of the RSPB, and that John is a Jilted Jaguar’s Junior Joystick
Holy shit. Man goes* on killing rampage, is obviously bonkers, even goes to hospital for treatment but is turned away, etc., etc., and obviously the fault is, by implication, ethnic minorities.
I am wondering how these people will twist something that is clearly an act of God, e.g. an asteroid crashing into the Earth. Maybe: “If we weren’t giving out so much cash in benefits maybe we could have paid for a proper anti-asteroid missile defence system”?
* Before rereading this was “Mangoes”.
D’you think the BBC have instructed radio producers not to play The Birdy Song for a while? (If indeed they were thinking of doing so).
“D’you think the BBC have instructed radio producers not to play The Birdy Song for a while?”
I’ve noticed its absence already.
So where is my free bear, you fucking cunts?
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Oooooh spam!
Are you supposed to hang up gay mobile porn over your bed?
“Best gay mobile phone porn.”
The implications of that sentence are incredible, really. It means, among about a million other possibilities, that there’s a worst landline phone service featuring straight men with their clothes on.
@Have Your Lurk
I work as an interpreter, and that is officially my new favourite simile. Fuck’s sake, I haven’t laughed this much in weeks.
Ever dealt with Microsoft telephone support?
its great stuff you got here. Had been looking for this all over. Good work