Thanks to Throbbe who found “anti-fraudster” nearly answering the question “How should schools teach religion?”.
I think that it should be, but that it should include a full expose ( with acute accent on the e) of the mystery religions/ occult religions practised by many of the most powerful people on the globe…e.g those who go to Bohemian Grove and spend so much time trying to persuade others towards their dark tawdry and thoroughly kitsch rituals and immorality towards others.
anti-fraudster
Mon Dieu! Vous parlez Francais? Avec un circu.. ced.. squiggle sous la “c”?
For too long now I’ve assumed that everyone on “Have Your Say” was either a halfwit or a quarterwit so coming across someone this clever really knocked me sideways. Finally, I realise that my blase (with a very cute accent on the “e”) attitude has caused me to miss some truly insightful comments (with a hairy, groaning umlaut on the “o”) .
But anti-fraudster didn’t stop there. He knows all the isms you’ve ever heard of and at least one of his own.
Hmmm …ruralwoman…darwinism? Not without some trenchant criticism on offer about social darwinism and its horrible links with eugenicism, one of the most evil and horrid beliefs out there. It might scare people so would have to be handled with care. Which is always part of the problem. While some religious beliefs e.g love God, love your neighbour, are beautiful and of highest goodness, others options: child sacrifice, puttee, suppression of women, and so on are to the vast majority abhorrent… and can cause nightmares. No use being prissily politicially correct, there is evil religion as well as good.
anti-fraudster
I’d go even further and suggest that eugenicismologists invented the halon women-suppression systems and silly puttee I’ve been having nightmares about.
As an aside, anti-fraudster has so far left around eight comments in that thread, including one where he has a dig at someone for getting the apostrophe wrong in one of their words. I thought that was pretty rich coming from somebody who can’t even get the words right.
Anyway. What’s the answer?
R.E. should get back to text. There are some really really important texts that should be part of everyone’s basic knowledge. For some the text will never come alive. This is the same for all texts.
For some inexplicable and very dumbed-down reason focussing on texts has gone out of fashion. Education without a decent amount of focussing on text breeds an unlearned and malleable generation whose idea of debate is to shout unconsidered and unvalidated slogans from different sides. My children have told me you can pass R.E exams with knowledge of one parable. Textual illiteracy unfortunately. Where are the well-read in the next generation? Who is to blame for this shocking ignorance? Many on this board have little to no knowledge of text, and just loads of prejudice. Once this question is posed in a “should we be aware of important texts?” frame the answer is stunningly obvious.
anti-fraudster
So. Is it all about really, really important texts? Are there very dumbed-down reasons for things not being textual enough any more? How can we validate our slogans? Should we listen to anti-fraudster?
I tried to emulate him and come up with a pithy answer – a different frame for the question that cuts through the bullshit and makes the answer stunningly obvious. Here is the frame I made. It’s the “You’d have to crush me to death under a pile of fossilized mastodon turds, weep remorsefully for an hour over my mangled remains, pull me out by my face, then crush me to death again under another pile of reassuringly expensive, prehistoric tods before I’d even consider paying attention to this pompous ass-hat’s content-free, pseudo-intellectual prattling for a single, interminably boring picosecond” frame.
65 Responses to “With A Cute Accent”
I was wondering whether anti-fraudster used unvalidated ironically (since there is no such word) or if he is just a complete cock.
While we’re on religion there are some mighty fine examples of ‘if you like it so much’ here – http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article7145784.ece, in regard to prisoners converting to Islam ‘for the perks’. Now prisoners you understand, have never done anything in order to get around prison rules or regulations before, as all those will know, who, like me whose opinion of life in jail is informed by Porridge and living next to Durham nick as a student.
Nice and to the point, but there are a number of other fucked up and deprived Muslim countries we should send them to Mart, let’s not discriminate. Chris from London has the right idea
Chris from London wrote:
Send them all to serve their time in a Pakistani or Bangaldeshi jail. Good luck to them.
Come now border burg, we should surely transport a few of them, the Bloody assizes ended some weeks ago now.
You almost made it Paul, next time tattoo the note to self on your cock. You’ll find it handy when you wank yourself into an imaginary shariah law frenzy.
Salaam Alaikum Godber
I think he means suttee…
…unless he’s correct and religion also presents the very real danger of wrapping cloth round your lower legs.
Je suis plus cleveréééé de vous.
Isn’t that a perfectly valid use of a fully productive English prefix? Just sayin’ (with an apostrophe in place of the ‘g’)
@Mr Ed
After a job here, are you?
Wilbuuuuur…
That second quote from anti-fraudster gave me an orgism.
The sad fact is that it is possible to be educated enough to know a lot of long words, and even have a vague idea of what some of them mean, and still be a complete and utter twat.
The religious teaching “debate” is another one of those wonderfully polarised issues where factions like to bite lumps off eachother (and the carpets) without realising that they are really all the same species of twat. Sure, they disagree about what religious views children should be taught but they all insist that children should be educated to conform to their personal prejudices rather in a way that gives the kids an impartial overview of the subject that they can then form their own opinions on.
Anyway, having established that intelligence and education have little bearing on being a twat, it seems unfair that the less educated/intelligent/literate twats are disadvantaged on HYS by having to type intelligible sentences, after all their opinions are just as invalid.
The whole thing could be done in multiple choice format with little tickboxes to keep each faction happy (plus a few wildcards for the zany bastards). This would be perfect for twats with iPads as they wouldn’t need a keyboard. The important thing is to include at least one racist option in each question for total inclusivity. So…
Religion:
[ ] Jesus and the Pope
[ ] Jesus and not the Pope
[ ] Mohammed and Isa
[ ] Vishnu and as many of his avatars as you can remember in 2 minutes
[ ] Dawkins and Hitchens
[ ] White Atlanteans and Nazi Valkyries
[ ] Tom Cruise and the Space God Xenu
Mastication:
[ ] Foxes chewing left over kebabs
[ ] Foxes chewing babies
[ ] Hounds chewing foxes
[ ] Koreans chewing hounds
[ ] Hippies chewing tofu
[ ] HYSers chewing carpets
You see how it goes? With a little imagination we can keep the fuckers harmlessly occupied indefinitely.
It can’t be that powerful, it’s taken years for Ant&Dec to get a BAFTA.
The one with the occult markings on the hem, please.
oh oh oh! There’s an actual real life ‘If you don’t like it’ on there now. Granted it appears to be directed at Communists, but they’re everyone’s second favourite naval baddies this week, and it’s difficult to bash the israelis and islam at the same time.
@twatbasket
That word’s great, right, because whichever way you pronounce it it’s still correct…see? A-ha!
When I get that feeling, I need textual healing
[quote]My children have told me you can pass R.E exams with knowledge of one parable.[/quote]
Fucks sake, he’s bred.
It’s like someone gave the Twat-O-Tron acid. Lots of near nowtrage but not one semantically coherent sentence. Or is anti-fraudster Professor Stanley Unwin’s love-child?
On a lighter note: I got RE O level and it was piss easy. It’s been a great help in irritating irritating little Christians.
What’s all this about RE exams anyway? When I was at school it was called Religious Studies and there was no exam. The teacher would conduct an unstructured debate on religious, moral or philosophical issues (i.e any old arse) with those pupils that gave a shit and the rest were allowed get on with some homework or amuse themselves quietly.
Q1. Discuss the likely effects on the development Christianity if, instead of fishes and loaves, Jesus only had a frying pan and half a dead otter. [10 points]
Prisoners have been ‘converting’ to Islam for years, as the food’s supposed to be a bit better than the usual slop. Suddenly it’s a big deal?
Which half?
Reliable source there. Still, he believes they’re his kids, too…
Religious discourse normally is more concerned with splitting hares but in this case the otter is split straight down the middle.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that it is, or rather was, male.
Can’t even get the words right? Oh come on, that was one letter off. Pretty damn good for foreign words. And there’s the close semantic similarity of wrapping cloth round yourself or throwing yourself on a pyre. I think someone who can do accents should be allowed to get away with one piddly letter.
@BaymsWrine
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you…
I was often asked by people in the street if I’ve read the Bible. Then I went out with a Christian fundamentalist person, and I read the Bible out of curiosity. This meant that the next time I was asked in the street if I’d read the Bible, I got to hear the next part of their marketing script.
Christian Fundamentalist: Excuse me, have you ever read the Bible?
Me: Yes.
CF: (doesn’t miss a beat) Have you tried living by it?
Me: That would be hard.
CF: (misses a beat, becomes thoughtful) Ye-es… it is…
Lurk, most of your life experience seems to come from going out with people from different walks of life. I can’t help but imagine you bumbling from relationship to relationship with no idea how you got there. Throw in a quiet, librarian dominatrix and you’ve got yourself a spot on Thursday night telly.
If my sad, pathetic existence can provide a few minutes’ transient entertainment for the rest of you, then my life will not have been in vain!
Oh no, they put up the “How should government spend your taxes?” thread.
One look at the shit maths, the abuse of the capslock and something vaguely resembling the English language and I haven’t even found a really good piece of brain hemorrhage. Am I jaded?
You’re not trying hard enough Winnie. There’s at least one call for the reintroduction of the poll tax, the nationalisation of tesco and that massive savings could be made by charging Royals for helicopter trips.
I personally like the “stop translations except Welsh cos it’s a proper British language”, “hooray for the Spanish cost cutting measures”, “hanging is cheaper than jails” and this:
If you search for ‘eugenicism’ on Google, (What! It’s OK to not know what it means), SYB is the second result.
…just saying, it’s not all bad.
Rules being cleverer #1:
use: utiliseNext time I’m hungry, I want someone to order me to set about that fetid ferret faecal flume with an axe. A blunt one.
I can’t help imagining this ‘sayer dressed only in a trilby and shirtcollar like a character in a Hannah Barbera cartoon.
This sounds like the sort of theory that has been floated in here before, but maybe the BBC have an internal, unofficial competition to see which moderator can elicit the stupidest fuckwittery by means of a HYS debate?
I can see them now, enjoying an after-work drink in the pub.
HYS moderator 1: Well, lads, how about my debate today, eh? How should the government spend your taxes! I think that’s worth a round or two of pub crisps.
HYS moderator 2: You think that’s good? What about my debate a few weeks ago about the fantasy cabinet? Christ, the suggestions we had.
HYS moderator 3: Look, lads. What we need is a debate that brings together the state of Israel, taxes, immigration, New Labour, ConDemNation, England, offending minorities, defense spending, and hating the Yanks. Any ideas?
All: Ummm…
HYS moderator 1: What about: “Should the Queen wear a burkha when receiving the Iranian president if the Middle East peace talks are held in London to coincide with the Olympics?”
It’s the perfect way to start getting our country back on track; the slaughter of thousands of people.
Yeah, let’s hang 100,000 or so people. That’ll show the NuLiabour IslamoFascists how we behave in a civilised country.
Executive Summary:
~~~
From The Times Muslim prisoners discussion, in case you hadn’t guessed:
This invites a mental image of a pig using an Armitage Shanks white porcelain convenience, taking care to flush it carefully after him. I’d respect a pig for that.
… is surely just a slightly more elaborate “I’m not racist but…”
@Huge Firmly-Wankingsock (loving the name by the way)
Absolutely. It puts me in mind of Not the Nine O’Clock News. ‘A lot of immigrants are from India. Now, I LIKE curry! But now that we’ve got the recipes . . .’
Another handy debating trick that HYS has taught me, as well as I’m not racist but…, As an unassailable higher authority I believe that…, is the ever-popular “My ancestor didn’t perform an action in the historical event in which Britain jolly well showed ‘em how it’s done so that (thing the speaker hates)”.
As in: “My grandfather didn’t fight in the war so that a darkie called Mohammed could dare to open a corner shop on my street!”
Or: “My great-aunt Edith didn’t pee on the football for good luck before the World Cup Final in 1966 so that we could import terrorist suicide bomber children from Afghanistan!”
Etc., etc.
You can’t even use the word ‘invalid’ any more in case it offends the lamé.
They just get dumber by the day. There is going to be an official public consultation on this FFS!
The Government will shortly be inviting people (although probably not otters) to submit their opinions through official channels. This is exactly what the twatterati have waited all their lives for! The Government actually wants their opinions and may even pretend to take them seriously.
So, are they drafting their submissions and waiting to be told how to submit them? No, they are just blathering away on the web as normal. By the time the actual consultation opens the twats will have blown their load and lost interest. They will be ranting about something else by then, probably how unfair it is that foreign teams are allowed to beat England in the World Cup. As a result, they will miss the consultation, fail to make a submission (Thank fuck for that!) and then, when/if they realise what happened, start moaning that the government doesn’t listen to people like them, only to the ponces who made valid and timely submissions. The fact that BBC HYS was never one of the official channels, and that their ejaculations were premature anyway, will be lost on them. It will be seen as yet another conspiracy to ignore the opinions of thick people.
So, tw@basket, according to your argument, HYS actually serves a useful social function…
True.
Every twat talking big on HYS is a twat who isn’t out wasting time and money by arguing with some poor council official, parking attendant, bus driver, tax inspector or binman, isn’t making racist remarks in a physical public place where it might actually lead to a breach of the peace, isn’t out walking his ghastly pit bull and letting it shit on the pavement, in short, isn’t actually engaging with the real world at all.
If they are wanking they are not fucking, and that’s about all we can hope for.
That’s actually quite a heartening thought.
So, the only thing HYS is missing is a big warning on the front page, saying “Here be cunts.”
“Puttee, what the fuck? Surely this ah, with the greatest of respect, “umlauted circumflex” of a HYSer must mean, “suttee.” If you were to chuck your worn out shagged puttees on a pyre no one would give a …oops no one would give a dead rat’s arse.
As a useless aside. On some Windoze computer systems the program, “character map” will allow you to post words peppered with all manner of exciting lettered accents, such as this gibberish, I cut and pasted in earlier. ä č Ù ġ Ě Õ ĉ ī.
On the ‘curry, now we’ve got the recipes…’ issue, I’m afraid that theory doesn’t hold water.
Trust me on this one – never, ever, ever eat a curry in Northern Ireland, even if you could kill for a chicken tikka. No-one from the Indian subcontinent has ever been within a 100 miles of any of those vile concoctions, and as a consequence you’d have a more satisfying experience eating your own shit, believe me…
As long as we’re talking about important religious texts which should be part of everyone’s knowledge, I suggest that RE should concentrate on Lord Rama. He had a monkey army, you know. How cool is that? Did Yahweh have a monkey army? I think not. Also, he was blue, which would teach kids an important lesson about not judging people by the colour of their skin.
“the third most intelligent animal after chimpanzees and dolphins”
They’re certainly way out in front of the human who wrote that wank.
So it’s nice he ‘respects’ them (though oddly not enough to stop eating them).
Surely, the question should be an attempt to put to conflicting hypotheses HSYers have into one question? Along the lines of,
“In Saudi Arabia, a muslim country, some crimes are punished through amputation. Should such a policy be implemented in Britain?”
Hahahaha! As a French speaker, I greatly appreciate this. Though (pedant alert!) it would actually be: ‘Vous parlez français?’ since having the capital F technically means ‘You speak Frenchman?’
Also, I agree with Sheepless. Though I am not a Hindu, Krishna is also a lot of fun. Give me the tales of his childhood over the doom and gloom of the Bible any day.
Masked Debator: Nick Griffin actually said what you just quoted from Not The Nine O’Clock News (which I have sadly not seen because I am too young)!:
Do you think he was quoting from the show?
HYS, home of the aßinine and a Þ in the side of reason.
Pretentious? Moi? Eu começ meu revestimento.
(cracks fingers in style of gunslinger about to impress the local sheriff with his sharpshooting skills in the saloon)
Io direi, se ti piace così tanto, perché non andarci a vivere?
Addendum: so that the average HYSer won’t be able to understand this, the warning should of course be “Hic sunt vaginae”.
@KJB – what? Seriously? That is beyond fucked up.
D’où je viens, manger quelqu’un est un acte de grand respect.
Eu vou pegar meu revestimento, surely?
tw@.basket.com
Enjoyed ‘twatterati’.
Does this mean that they belong to the twattering classes?
I think R.E. should be practical, like science and home ec. . You should be marked on how well you perform miracles and on whether you can retrieve the message your teacher has given God for you via prayer.
Being consistent I suppose this does mean that you’ll have to start your own fascist political party in Hist. and in Media Studies you’ll need to destroy the BBC…
KJB> that should really be “Parlez-vous français?”. si je ne me trompe pas.
ma veste, s’il vous plait. celle avec le petit robert dans la poche.
hehehe, petits roberts.
hehehehehehe, poche. de clown.
Mon dieu, GV, je suis glad no one respects me…
Mais qu’est-ce que c’est aujourd’hui, une forume pour des polyglottes? Je ne le peut stander plus. Je suggest que nous retournerons* à parler en anglais.
*use of the future to avoid having to learn the subjunctive, old trick I learned in school
Masked Debator: I know!
ligne:
Tu as raison, cela devrait être ‘Parlez-vous français?’ mais je ne voulais pas être trop pédante.
Also, your comment made me laugh.
dirigible:
Fuck Niall Ferguson, you should be advising on the national curriculum! This is genius. There could be a tie-in with Food Tech, getting pupils to make Jesus wafers, and build churches in Woodwork (or whatever DT is called nowadays).
I hear reports from Texas that science ties in with R.E. quite nicely.
Dearest Nelson, please can we slag off THIS gen-u-ine DM reader’s letter for our next scornfest? I would’ve emailed it as a submish but I am too rubbish. Cheers.
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