Delusions of Grandeur and Permanently Bewildered and Self-appointed Sages09 Jun 2010 10:01 am
By Nelson

I found “Nice One Son” gamely combining ignorance with arrogance and so mistaking “stuff he doesn’t know” for “stuff nobody could possibly know”.

Think the question was something like “Can science save the planet?”.

No they can’t.

Science still cannot answer basic questions;

1. Why are we here?
2. Why do we grow old and die?
3. How can all of this have happened by chance?

Basic questions that need answers.
Nice One Son

I boggled at this for a while, and tried to work out how it had happened. I imagined myself in his shoes and everything became unclear. The shoes were shite and I didn’t know anything. Then I forgot what I was doing. Then I decided to tell the BBC what I’d done today – in case they wanted to use it on the news.

100 Responses to “Solipcyst”

  1. on 09 Jun 2010 at 10:19 am Huge Firmly-Wankingsock

    This week I have been mostly… pondering existential philosophy.

  2. on 09 Jun 2010 at 10:25 am Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bollock

    A)

    1. Big bang and that.

    2. Ageing.

    3. Because.

    If I’m right.

  3. on 09 Jun 2010 at 10:26 am RIPOFF BRITIAN

    Nice on son has chosen this nickname in order to congratulate himself after every single tedious post.

    His parents most probably never did. They most definitely always thought he’s a thick cunt.

    I’ll change my nickname to NiceOneMate, because i have no friends, and i will then be re-reading my post in my mind, and read “Nice one mate” in the voice of someone else, and for a few seconds i’ll believe that i won’t die alone because everyone in the world thinks i’m a thick boring cunt…

    Nice one mate.

    (yeeeah…)

  4. on 09 Jun 2010 at 11:05 am Philbert

    I take it that by “basic”, he actually means “tremendously complicated”. As for saving the Earth, I think Flash Gordon gets a go before science steps in.

  5. on 09 Jun 2010 at 11:09 am Its our tax money pays for science

    All questions in the universe should be put in order and no-one should be able to answer any until all the preceding ones have been answered… ITS LOGICAL PEOPLEQ!!@

  6. on 09 Jun 2010 at 11:13 am Nice One Son's Sister

    Nice on son has chosen this nickname in order to congratulate himself after every single tedious post.

    His parents most probably never did.

    It’s true, he was mainly known as ‘Oi U’

  7. on 09 Jun 2010 at 11:14 am Charles Exford, Oxton

    1. Where else would we be?
    2. Cars go rusty.
    3. Yes.

  8. on 09 Jun 2010 at 11:14 am Jones

    I think you’ll find Flash Gordon is science (fiction).

    My coat’s the one with the feather shoulder pads, thanks.

  9. on 09 Jun 2010 at 11:28 am damon green

    I expect his real name is Cyril. Though this does not excuse anything

  10. on 09 Jun 2010 at 11:34 am Have Your Lurk - Unplugged!

    My dad was an accountant. If anyone ever got even remotely philosophical in conversation, his response was, “If you want to know who you are and why you’re here, call the Inland Revenue. They will tell you exactly who you are, and why you’re here.”

    Sì, è lui, quello con i logotipi di Hello Kitty. Grazie.

  11. on 09 Jun 2010 at 11:55 am Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Ooooh, Miss! MISS! I know, I know! Is the answer to no. 2 ‘because thick cunts like you suck the will to live out of the rest of us’?

  12. on 09 Jun 2010 at 11:55 am Jim

    Erm, science can explain why we grow old and die…..

  13. on 09 Jun 2010 at 11:59 am Col John Matrix

    I find it’s best if at the end of his post you take “Nice One Son” to be read very sarcastically. Like “Yeah, nice one son, you fucking fungi’s fannyflaps”.

  14. on 09 Jun 2010 at 12:31 pm Turd Hammer

    Erm, science can explain why we grow old and die…..

    No it cannot. “Science” cannot explain right now, to me right now, why we grow old and die. C’mon science, explain to me, right this minute, here and now why we grow old and die….

    Yeah thought so.

  15. on 09 Jun 2010 at 12:39 pm Wayne

    telomere degredation

  16. on 09 Jun 2010 at 12:50 pm Science

    C’mon science, explain to me, right this minute, here and now why we grow old and die…

    We grow old and die because everything tends to chaos. While it is possible for a collection of molecules that has attained consciousness to be perpetuated indefinitely, the third law of thermodynamics means that if this were the case, the entire universe would eventually become a single living being with a consciousness. There are some, of course, who believe that this has already happened.

  17. on 09 Jun 2010 at 12:55 pm One of the Eds

    2. Cars go rusty.

    That explains why people in biblical times were able to live for so long: no cars

  18. on 09 Jun 2010 at 1:28 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    Why hasn’t Nice One Son grown old and died?
    Then leave his obese body to science so we can find out why HYS twats are twats

  19. on 09 Jun 2010 at 1:47 pm christonabike

    I assume he’s hoping in relation to 1) that he was placed on this earth to make assinine comments on HYS, because if it isn’t then it could turn out he was simultaneously wasting his life and publicly humiliating himself.

    If it is his true calling, then other questions that science can’t answer- like “Why is the sky blue?” and “Why does my car engine roar to life when I turn the little key?”- remain woefully underasked.

  20. on 09 Jun 2010 at 1:54 pm Mal

    Is the answer that we were put on this Earth to suffer and die for God’s sadistic wanking pleasure?

    I’m going to Hell aren’t I?

  21. on 09 Jun 2010 at 2:01 pm Have Your Lurk

    Science still cannot answer basic questions;

    1. Why are we here?
    2. Why do we grow old and die?
    3. How can all of this have happened by chance?

    Actually, these are not basic questions at all. These are absolutely humunguous fucking huge bloody questions with great big knobs on them. Take a fucking philosophy class, Nice One Son! Then you can learn to ask true conversation-stoppers, like “Why do we say Why in questions like Why are we here?” and “Who can answer? Who has the right to be able to the answer?” “What do I mean by who?” “Why am I even asking this shit?” Etc., etc.

    I’ve often thought that everyone should do a little philosophy, but only a little. The first philosophy book you read contains Great Truths. But after that philosophy basically descends into navel-gazing and becomes the study of the totally fucking obvious.

  22. on 09 Jun 2010 at 2:15 pm dirigible

    And then there’s Twentieth Century philosophy, which contains statements of the otiosely batshit badly translated from the original French by people whose forewords are (suspiciously) just as unreadable as the “difficult” original text.

    How can all of this have happened by chance

    The gibbering terror of contingency that made Kierkergaard and Nietzsche such bores lives on…

  23. on 09 Jun 2010 at 2:21 pm t'otherone

    I’m disapointed not to find a HYS poster answering the original question:

    ‘Can science save the planet?’

    with

    ‘No. Only Nick Griffin can save the planet.’

    This is more amusing when you imagine Griffin in a Buck Rogers-esque costume and pose. Possibly.

  24. on 09 Jun 2010 at 2:25 pm Have Your Lurk

    We’re all mugs. I’ve just realised that the question as posed by the BBC HYS takes for granted that the planet is in danger.

    So, if I were a climactic skeptic (snigger, snigger) worth my salt, the answer to “Can science save the planet?” would be “Planet doesn’t need saving, thanks.”

  25. on 09 Jun 2010 at 2:28 pm Ed aka Voltaire aka BumSwine

    2. Disposable soma.

  26. on 09 Jun 2010 at 2:33 pm Turd Mannerism

    While it is possible for a collection of molecules that has attained consciousness to be perpetuated indefinitely

    Shit, I have never come across this. Do you have a source for that?

  27. on 09 Jun 2010 at 2:35 pm mr ed

    I rather enjoyed the other answers of ‘sort of’, it depends’ and ‘could go either way’

    Cuger’s on the case in that thread as well by the way. Some elliptical bollocks about abolishing IVF since it’s as bad as hanging an innocent man.

    Now you work that little dilemma out.

  28. on 09 Jun 2010 at 2:39 pm Have Your Lurk

    @mr ed
    Cuger’s in there? Post it here right now!

    @Turd Mannerism
    Er, I made it up on the spur of the moment. I should have said “While it is PHYSICALLY possible…” (Do I win a chocolate Nobel Prize?)

  29. on 09 Jun 2010 at 2:44 pm mr ed

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/radio4/2010/06/reith_lectures_2010_surviving_century.html

    At 7:54pm on 08 Jun 2010, Bruce Grant wrote:

    So all the loony scientists will cure the problem will they?
    From nutty geo-engineers to Climate Change computer modelists.
    The only things that will ease the rise in climatatic temperature is; stop exponential population growth, stop exponential manurfacturing to substain it, and stop using fossil fuels. Flippin twits!! Cuger Brant.

    9:08pm on 08 Jun 2010, Bruce Grant wrote:

    Every child bearing woman has the god given right to have children.
    No one has the right to IVF and then have an abortion because of cold feet. (80-per year in this country).
    There are those who argue that if one man was hung by mistake, then the death penalty was justifiably withdrawn.
    So should not by the same logic IVF be withdrawn?
    No one has a right to an abortion because of their contempt for life and lack of belief in the almighty either.
    The most precious thing in life is our children, their upbringing and future.
    If our interpretation of ‘sustainability’ means: I want, I need, I must have (artifacts) then we have no chance of stopping climate change.

    Now you work that little dilemma out.
    Cuger Brant.

    He’s confused his alter ego and his real name nicely as well..

  30. on 09 Jun 2010 at 2:44 pm Have Your Lurk

    Bugger. Forgot to post that under my pseudonym of “Science”, thus flushing any potential credibility down the shithole.

  31. on 09 Jun 2010 at 2:54 pm Have Your Lurk

    Thank you, mr ed!

    The identity problem fits in quite nicely with Cuger’s schizophrenia, I think. We can all squeeze out as many kids as we like, but unless we put a stop to overpopulation the planet’s going to hell in a handbasket. (Pretty big handbasket, I’d say.)

    As an unassailable higher authority*, I think Cuger Brant is not racist but his grandfather didn’t win WW2 single-handed to see third-world countries breeding like lemmings and threatening HIS PRECIOUS SUSTAINABLE LIFESTYLE, dammit.

    *Higher than Cuger Brant**, anyway
    **By 2 inches at least

  32. on 09 Jun 2010 at 3:36 pm Turd Customs

    Ah, not bad…

    Er, I made it up on the spur of the moment. I should have said “While it is PHYSICALLY possible…” (Do I win a chocolate Nobel Prize?)

    You say that, check out this guy…

    http://www.amazon.com/Self-Aware-Universe-Amit-Goswami/dp/0874777984

    I wondered about the Third Law of Thermodynamics right enough, and wanted to see what tenious connection was being made. It sounded plausible enough, I have heard similar theories. I have not found any reputable sources though.

  33. on 09 Jun 2010 at 4:03 pm Have Your Lurk

    Oh, come on! You can see from the cover of that book that it’s clearly an Avatar tie-in.

  34. on 09 Jun 2010 at 4:14 pm t'otherone

    Off topic but oh-so-wank…

    From the ‘How would you cut public services thread’:

    At 09:27am on 08 Jun 2010, weallmustvote wrote:
    the question should be save not spend.
    I agree that the NHS should be “protected” I do not believe that government, or anybody should not allow the NHS to defend their place in the market place.
    I have visited several hospitals all over, and I park myself in a strategic place for 5 minutes and write the activities going on around me. Excluding cleaning staff, in the best case 41 staff, Doctors, Nurses, Admin etc. walked past. Doing nothing but walking up and down corridors, the worst case there were 76 people of similar stature, just walking several with clip boards, doing absolutely nothing. The average of all the Hospitals together is 52.3 persons per 5 minute spell (any time but mainly daytime) that equates to 5020.8 people doing nothing in an 8 hour period. Forgive me if I seem a little too simplistic but even if you half the number 2510.4 is much to many. Take into consideration that “anything can be moved from one place to another as many times as you like and you will not add a penny value to it. surely the largest single saving can be made in hospital efficiency just pouring tax payers £ in will do nothing to improve the situation, in fact all it is paralleled to is government spending on Quangos.

    For “I park myself in a strategic place for 5 minutes and write the activities going on around me” read “I sit in the waiting room and take pictures of unknowing nurses in their black stockings and senisble shoes, so I can later wank myself into a frenzy in the house I share with my mother.”

  35. on 09 Jun 2010 at 4:31 pm Yes, we have no bananas!

    Some HYS moderator clearly fancies himself as a bit of a journalist.

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/us_and_canada/10268979.stm

    There are two sad things about this article: the HYS monsters will believe that their solutions to the ever-expanding oil spill will have been taken seriously now that they’ve been published, and the science-man they’ve recruited to counter such measures as ‘chuck a nuclear bomb into the sea, that’ll stop the oil’ is called Prof Iraj Ershaghi. Ain’t no way an HYS will believe him, poor dear. In fact, those damn terrorists probably paid him to make such lefty-loony statements.

  36. on 09 Jun 2010 at 4:34 pm t'otherone

    An example:

    EPOXY WARHEAD
    “Epoxy might be a better top kill method than mud, and in any case a heavier solid is needed – try bismuth and/or iron shot. Delivering the resin and catalyst into the well requires two tubes, though an intermediate pulse of isopropyl alcohol may have a chance or separating the two liquids in a single feed tube, there’d be a risk of simply clogging the feed tube before it reached the well.
    “Another alternative plug is a torpedo, wire-guided, with a low speed mode (or restrictor) for manoeuvring into place, and an extended warhead holding just enough charge to split containers of epoxy monomer and catalyst.” – Jeremy, New Jersey, US
    EXPERT VIEW
    Prof Ershaghi says: “A torpedo or any warhead entering the casing would have made this a major catastrophe as the loss of casing integrity would have resulted in a crater with continuous and uncontrollable oil flow for the next 30-40 years depending on the amount of oil in the reservoir.”

    Conclusion:

    Firing a warhead into the well not wise

    PS. La Spesh, nice to see you back!

  37. on 09 Jun 2010 at 4:39 pm Soulboy

    Cugar has been making up words again

    exponential manurfacturing

    Can anyone define this phrase for me?

  38. on 09 Jun 2010 at 4:43 pm ligne

    79. At 06:51am on 09 Jun 2010, James wrote:

    We could try to harness the hot air that continues to pour forth from Nu-Labor.

    poor james, the change of government has really hit him hard. but he’s struggling on, bless him.

  39. on 09 Jun 2010 at 4:47 pm Andy

    mr ed:

    He’s confused his alter ego and his real name nicely as well..

    I’m convinced that “cuger brant” isn’t his name he’s signing off with, but instead some kind of blessing/greeting/general sig. You know, like “Namaste” or “god be with you” or “f@@k off and die”.

    If I’m right.

    spongiform encephalopathy

  40. on 09 Jun 2010 at 4:48 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bollock

    @t’otherone

    What, in the almighty name of fuck, is weallmustvote talking about?

    “Doing nothing but walking up and down corridors”

    So if this bell-end had his way, nurses would change IVs whilst on the move and surgeons would conduct appendectomies whilst on their way to have a sandwich.

    Forgive me if I’m being too simplistic, but it would appear that weallmustvote is a stupendous dipshit who has wasted 67.4% of his life.

  41. on 09 Jun 2010 at 4:49 pm Have Your Lurk

    “anything can be moved from one place to another as many times as you like and you will not add a penny value to it”

    Mmm. How true. Oil, for example. Worthless whether it’s under the seabed or in my central heating tank. Or indeed hospital patients. What possible benefit could there be in moving them from the hospital carpark to nice, clean rooms that could be better used for counting doctors and nurses in? What a load of useless wank. Doctors shouldn’t be allowed to go into corridors for any reason whatever. If they need to have a crap, they can just shit into their patients. Fucking patients are under anaesthetic anyway, so they won’t notice if the doc cuts into their bowels and makes an urgent deposit of brown goods halfway through the operation. As long as he stitches it up again when he’s finished it’ll be OK. Bloody government, paying our doctors to walk from A to B when they could be saving lives.

  42. on 09 Jun 2010 at 4:50 pm Andy

    Soulboy:

    exponential manurfacturing

    The tendency of bullshit to be created in a increasing manner, based on natural logarithms, as more bullshit-makers get together.

  43. on 09 Jun 2010 at 5:02 pm ligne

    The average of all the Hospitals together is 52.3 persons per 5 minute spell (any time but mainly daytime) that equates to 5020.8 people doing nothing in an 8 hour period.

    over the course of an 8 hour shift, your average medic will spawn a new person every 5 minutes, without fail.

    either that, or this guy doesn’t understand how numbers work. could be either, really.

  44. on 09 Jun 2010 at 5:02 pm [NutterBrackets]

    “Basic questions that need answers” sounds like the marketing slogan for the driving theory test examination board.

  45. on 09 Jun 2010 at 5:03 pm t'otherone

    @Richard Littlejohn’s Funny Bollock

    The more I read that post the more I am concerned about the safety of people visiting hospital in case weallmustvote is around:

    there were 76 people of similar stature

    Not only is he tracking movements, he’s noting down vital statistics.

  46. on 09 Jun 2010 at 5:11 pm Mal

    I’m pretty much down with my main man Wittgenstein regarding the meaninglessness of metaphysical questions

    For a doubt can exist only where a question exists, a question only where an answer exists and an answer only where something can be said. (Tractatus 6.51)

    and

    The difficulty is to recognise the groundlessness of our beliefs.(On Certainty #166)

    and the biggie for HYS posters

    Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. (Tractatus 7)

  47. on 09 Jun 2010 at 6:06 pm Kris

    This is genuinely brilliant.

    On a story about Hitler and his bird being played by Indian actors in a Bollywood film.

    Well i don`t know about Hitler but Eva was Braun ( Brown) .
    - derek, durham, 09/6/2010 16:16

    Two peanuts walked into a bar, one was a-salted ( assaulted) .

  48. on 09 Jun 2010 at 6:20 pm Mal

    Just as a aside, would any of us* be able to maintain Charlie Brooker’s façade of being a miserable misanthropic bastard if we were shagging Konnie Huq?

    *Those of us who’s sexual orientation is primarily towards women anyway.

  49. on 09 Jun 2010 at 6:24 pm Kris

    @Mal

    Cue HYL telling us how he ‘almost got off with an asian bird once’.

  50. on 09 Jun 2010 at 6:32 pm BroomesWurn

    if we were shagging Konnie Huq

    Several years ago she Blew (my) Peter (sucked my penis)

    Yours in Chortles,
    Juan Liner

  51. on 09 Jun 2010 at 6:52 pm Mal

    @Kris
    ‘almost got off with an Asian bird once’ = wanks over “Asian Babes”.

    @BroomesWurm
    You’re not related to Derek in Durham, perchance?

  52. on 09 Jun 2010 at 7:10 pm Sheepless

    exponential manurfacturing

    Can anyone define this phrase for me?

    Explosive diarrhoea.

    I’m appalled to hear that Charlie Brooker now has a reason to be happy. This could have a disastrous effect on his output.

  53. on 09 Jun 2010 at 7:58 pm Bugrat

    The average of all the Hospitals together is 52.3 persons per 5 minute spell (any time but mainly daytime) that equates to 5020.8 people doing nothing in an 8 hour period.

    This guy thinks that if it takes 3 minutes to soft-boil one egg, then having three eggs in the pan will require 9 minutes.

  54. on 09 Jun 2010 at 9:29 pm t'otherone

    @Kris

    But did she look like Sandra Bullock?

  55. on 09 Jun 2010 at 9:55 pm Soulboy

    The average of all the Hospitals together is 52.3 persons per 5 minute spell (any time but mainly daytime) that equates to 5020.8 people doing nothing in an 8 hour period.

    If they are all of the same stature where does the .3 and .8 come in? Perhaps this is the .3 of a doctor – http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/little-couple/

  56. on 10 Jun 2010 at 12:24 am Bugrat

    I have visited several hospitals all over, and I park myself in a strategic place for 5 minutes and write the activities going on around me. Excluding cleaning staff, in the best case 41 staff, Doctors, Nurses, Admin etc. walked past…etc..etc..fucking etc.

    weallmustvote just has to be a patient in a secure hospital ward, who thinks he’s Mr Logic from Viz, and is given a toy pocket calculator (no sharp or detachable parts) to amuse himself with.

  57. on 10 Jun 2010 at 1:22 am Pirate Pete

    I submit into evidence ‘Symphony of Science’ (google it) – I guarantee that it will give you a lovely fuzzy feeling about what science might actually be able to accomplish. ‘We Are All Connected’ is the best one in my opinion. I admit to having had a teenage crush on Carl Sagan…

  58. on 10 Jun 2010 at 6:32 am Sir Alf Ramsey's Porn Dungeon

    Over on:
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/haveyoursay/2010/06/are_immigration_rules_fair.html

    13. At 11:54am on 09 Jun 2010, Confuciousfred wrote:

    Will we apply the same rules for students on visas? I think this restriction would be unpopular amongst ethnic groups where arranged marriages are customary. Also, if other countries imposed similar rules it would be a barrier to us exporting goods and services.

    I do not think this is such a good idea. It would be better to allow spouses in on temporary visas, say two years, to avail the opportunity of learning the language.

    Do you get the feeling that Confuciousfred mail order bride has just picked up enough English to call him a tool?

  59. on 10 Jun 2010 at 8:19 am Have Your Lurk (He Nearly Slept With One Once)

    Right now I’m humming “Feelings… nothing more than feelings…” to myself…

  60. on 10 Jun 2010 at 10:44 am Oaf

    From that ‘immigrants coming over here to get married need to speak English (not British)’ thread:

    The government should NEVER put the immigrants wants and needs ahead of the people who have lived here for thousands of years.

    Do we have a new record for the world’s oldest person?

  61. on 10 Jun 2010 at 11:02 am Mr Ed

    Indeed, I can see no reason why the needs of, say, a 17 year old from the former soviet states who’s been trafficked and forced into prostitutng herself to fat balding middle class white blokes should EVER be put ahead of said fat balding cunt.

  62. on 10 Jun 2010 at 11:06 am BroomesWurn

    Oaf, I hate to be pedantic but I’m afraid there’s a small punctuation error in that quote. An additional apostrophe is required here:

    immigrants’ wants

    I find it difficult to understand exactly what the commenter is saying when it lacks correctly positioned punctuation. Please relay this to the author of the quote (I would do it myself but I’m not exactly sure how to contact him or her).

    Thanks in advance,
    Boney Muffins

  63. on 10 Jun 2010 at 11:36 am Oaf

    Oaf, I hate to be pedantic but I’m afraid there’s a small punctuation error in that quote.

    Never apologise for being pedantic!

    However, it wouldn’t be a quotation if I changed it.

    I would contact the originator but I doubt that he or she would understand or care.

  64. on 10 Jun 2010 at 11:38 am Oaf

    I have corrected it so it fits the normal HYS style:

    immigrants want’s and need’s ahead of the people who have lived here for thousand’s of year’s.

    Is that better?

  65. on 10 Jun 2010 at 12:28 pm christonabike

    @t’otherone good god, the man conducts his own independent audits- and what does he see? Receptionists just sitting there behind the reception desks and doctors wandering around writing things on charts! This is a hospital not a writing class!

  66. on 10 Jun 2010 at 1:23 pm Kris

    Keep it together Lurk.

    If you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to look over this Mail story about a nurse flashing her bra at a Google Maps camera.

    *takes sip of tea*

    Send the little ones out to play on the front lawn in the nude – and then sue Google for transmitting kiddie porn!

    *tea just…everywhere*

  67. on 10 Jun 2010 at 1:40 pm nick

    While we’re on the subject of science, have a listen to this Onion report which appears to confirm the efficacy of the Kadir-Buxton method!
    http://www.theonion.com/audio/doctors-have-cure-for-headbonk-amnesia,13974/

  68. on 10 Jun 2010 at 1:42 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    if we were shagging Konnie Huq

    We? What? All of us?
    She must be a most accommodating young lady, no wonder Brooker looks miserable, he’s probably at the back of the queue.

  69. on 10 Jun 2010 at 2:00 pm damon green

    At least it solves the mystery of his new hairstyle. It’s the kind that a girlfriend would suggest.

  70. on 10 Jun 2010 at 2:01 pm Mouse

    Off topic a bit but this lunch time I have really enjoyed reading the HYS thread on ‘What has Big Brother taught us about human nature?’

    I can’t do block quotes, however my favourite so far has to be John H who wrote:

    “Never watched, never would, ever, I have a brain that stops me watching purile rubbish such as this and the soaps.

    And before anyone says that I’m out of date, kill joy etc. I will ask this, as I do to everyone who goes on, and on, and on, about this drivel.

    What did you do today?

    Did you do what I did? That is, get up, get dressed, have something to eat, did something, talked to someone, did some more things, eat some more food, talked to more people. Then got undressed and went to bed.

    It’s what we all do, every day”.

    Come on John, be honest. The things you did were just posting on HYS, the people you spoke to were other rabid ringworms’ ringpieces like you who post on HYS and the other things you did were stare into a pit of despair at the fact your mum, and not your brain, stops you watching Big Brother and the soaps because you’re a colossal twat.

    If I’m right.

  71. on 10 Jun 2010 at 2:17 pm Have Your Lurk

    If you like the Big Brother house so much, why don’t you go live there?

  72. on 10 Jun 2010 at 2:38 pm Kris

    John seems to have glazed over all the furious masturbating.

  73. on 10 Jun 2010 at 3:20 pm Have Your Lurk

    Colourless green ideas sleep furiously.

  74. on 10 Jun 2010 at 3:43 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bollock

    Anyone get Bongo Bongoland or the Former Soviet Republic of Bulimia in their World Cup sweepstakes?

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/mediamonkeyblog/2010/jun/10/world-cup-foreigners-daily-mail

  75. on 10 Jun 2010 at 3:49 pm Have Your Lurk

    They’re already entered in the finals, no? I remember that, because it’s to avoid them feeling discrimined against. If I’m right. You couldn’t make it up.

  76. on 10 Jun 2010 at 4:06 pm t'otherone

    Bongo Bongoland v. the Former Soviet Republic of Bulimia would doubtless be a more absorbing match than England v. Japan.

  77. on 10 Jun 2010 at 4:20 pm Have Your Lurk

    Well, yes. Imagine the post-goal celebrations of a bunch of weedy stick insects*. Assuming they could get one past a goalkeeper sporting an enormous pair of bongoes, that is.

    *I might be getting Bulimia mixed up with the former soviet republic of Anorexia here

  78. on 10 Jun 2010 at 4:39 pm Loumo

    Re weallmustvote. If we gave all the nurses them little scooter things, would that make things better or worse? They’d spend less time in transit but they’d probably whizz past the pillock more often. But at least he’d get less chance to stare at their statistics.

    And, incidentally, girlfriends do not go round suggesting haircuts all over the place. We may suggest that a haircut is required on occasion, but we don’t generally define what type, and particularly not a crap one (unless we’re bored and in need of a cheap laugh). If he’s got paranoid enough to think he ought to smarten himself up if he’s to keep a top-drawer bird like Konnie, that’s his own fault, not hers.

  79. on 10 Jun 2010 at 4:50 pm ad ho

    The average of all the Hospitals together is 52.3 persons per 5 minute spell (any time but mainly daytime) that equates to 5020.8 people doing nothing in an 8 hour period.

    weallmustvote is just the sort of citizen we need in the Big Society. Thanks to his work as volunteer hospital hall-monitor, now everyone has at their fingertips the knowledge that it takes him about 6 seconds to note down someone’s height and their clipboard-carrying status.

    Perhaps for his next assignment he can monitor the spike in work-rate that occurs when a pissed-off security guard, of outlandish stature, has an extremely productive one-to-one meeting over by the biowaste containment facilities.

  80. on 10 Jun 2010 at 4:52 pm damon green

    you agree then that the haircut is crap?

    I remind you that you are under oath

  81. on 10 Jun 2010 at 4:59 pm Loumo

    I haven’t seen the haircut. I merely state we ladies only recommend crap ones for a laugh. If you Google images Charlie Brooker it offers you hair as a third word automatically so clearly it’s quite the interweb buzz topic at the mo. Is it the one where it’s all shaved off?

  82. on 10 Jun 2010 at 5:01 pm Have Your Lurk

    Better to be under oath, than to be under Oaf :-)

  83. on 10 Jun 2010 at 5:30 pm damon green

    @ loumo

    It was an election night haircut. I don’t know if this picture does his complexion justice, but it appeared to have turned the colour of fresh excrement

    http://tinyurl.com/35cs8sc

  84. on 10 Jun 2010 at 5:48 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    And, incidentally, girlfriends do not go round suggesting haircuts all over the place.

    Speak for yourself; my 3rd date with TYF was forcing him into, I mean, getting him a massive style overhaul. In my defence, he wore a beige fleece on our first date thus forfeiting all rights to any say in his own appearance ever again.

    I like Charlie Brooker’s new hair. It can’t just be me and The Huq who do, surely?

    Sidenote: how long will it take HEAT to start calling them Huqer, I wonder.

  85. on 10 Jun 2010 at 5:52 pm Loumo

    Blimey. Blimey to La Spesh and Blimey to the hair.

    Generally I subscribe to the view that you can’t polish a panfried otter’s bollock so I stop returning their calls if I disapprove of their shoes.

    The hair’s a bit flopped quiffy for my tastes, and it just doesn’t look miffed enough for him. It’s a bit Tory. Possibly deliberate for electin night, but even so.

  86. on 10 Jun 2010 at 5:53 pm Have Your Lurk

    I was feeling a little down so I went and read Cuger’s website.

    An exponetial event sometime, in the very near future, will make all of you will realise: WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE, even if you have an IQ of <100.

    So, uh… the stupid will not inherit the Earth.

    The simplest way to explain all this gobbledygook is; Imagine living in a land of perpetual budgets. What you give with one hand, someone else will take with the other.

    All I want is to get back control of my other hand.

    The chain, the circle of life that had held in harmony all living things on planet Earth, had been broken, broken by another species of the planet. It had been broken by a vain, self-pleasing, self-gratifying, conceited species called Homo erectus.

    According to Wikipedia, Homo Erectus became extinct about 1.3 million years ago.

    Right, that’s enough Cuger-baiting for now.

  87. on 10 Jun 2010 at 6:24 pm ad ho

    What you give with one hand, someone else will take with the other.

    Exceptional.

  88. on 10 Jun 2010 at 7:13 pm Mal

    I think it must be a Zen thing and if we meditate on the nature of “the other hand that takes” we shall achieve Enlightenment. Most likely this Enlightenment will be the realisation that Cugar Brant is indeed King of the Twatbaskets rather than anything more profound but you never know.

  89. on 10 Jun 2010 at 7:24 pm Sheepless

    What you give with one hand, someone else will take with the other.

    Right, so I just need to avoid left-handed people? I do that already.

  90. on 10 Jun 2010 at 7:43 pm Chaise Guevara

    “Right, so I just need to avoid left-handed people? I do that already.”

    Hey!

    I’m left-handed, and we of the sinister persuasion are fed up with you smarmy normal righter-than-right types giving us grief about our way of life. I swear, if I hear one more crack about le- *hand flails malcoordinatedly from keyboard and breaks writer’s nose*

  91. on 10 Jun 2010 at 8:13 pm ad ho

    I think he’s saying that what Cuger loses in publishing fees gets negatively recouped by Bruce’s marketing work, leaving them both out of pocket and out of hands.

    And speaking as a left-hander, I make it a rule to avoid them like a plague of dirty bombs in a sewage plant.

    Now there’s a little enigma for you readers to grapple with!!!!!

  92. on 10 Jun 2010 at 8:13 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    Because I am a massive twat (notice: AM) I accidentally posted this on the previous thread:

    Dearest Nelson, please can we slag off THIS gen-u-ine DM reader’s letter for our next scornfest? I would’ve emailed it as a submish but I am too rubbish. Cheers.

    http://twitpic.com/1vic82

    Slinking away in shame now…

  93. on 10 Jun 2010 at 9:57 pm Kris

    Loumo

    And, incidentally, girlfriends do not go round suggesting haircuts all over the place.

    No, that’d be too bloody simple wouldn’t it. Instead it’s dozens of snide comments, sneers and suggestions so subtle they can barely be said to have occured at all.

    I’m not one to generalise, but all women are crazy bitches. Not that I’m prejudiced or anything, some of my best friends are tarts.

  94. on 10 Jun 2010 at 10:10 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bollock

    Oi! La Spesh, scroll upwards, it’s already been done. Keep up.

    We’ve discussed Mike Phelps’ (the twat, not the swimmer) opinion. Although I do think a thread dedicated to him is certainly worthy.

  95. on 10 Jun 2010 at 10:15 pm Mal

    And, incidentally, girlfriends do not go round suggesting haircuts all over the place.

    Truth. When I a) had hair and b) had a girlfriend she would mostly limit the location of any suggested haircut to my head.

  96. on 10 Jun 2010 at 10:51 pm Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    @RLFB – well, I DID say I am a massive twat. I have read the whole thread, so how did I miss it? I shall slink off even more shamefully now. In my defence, have been in hospital recently and am still slightly monged out from the drugs (man).

    PS @Kris – I’m not subtle at making suggestions about TYF needing a haircut. I’ve spent all week telling him he looks like a date-rapist footballer from the 70s, although truth be told, it’s more like Peppermint Patty.

  97. on 10 Jun 2010 at 11:27 pm jpr

    If he’s got paranoid enough to think he ought to smarten himself up if he’s to keep a top-drawer bird like Konnie, that’s his own fault, not hers.

    I smartened myself up for her, and she still didn’t even know I existed.

    One day, perhaps …

  98. on 11 Jun 2010 at 1:22 am Kris

    Spesh

    I’m not subtle at making suggestions about TYF needing a haircut.

    I expect you’re actually a muff-diver or something.

    Don’t worry, all this sexism is going under the ‘Jimmy Carr Irony Umbrella’ so it’s alright.

  99. on 11 Jun 2010 at 9:57 am Bit Special AKA La Spesh

    @Kris – under the umbrella and riiiiiiiiiiiiiight back out again into the hood of the Jo Brand Sneering At Unoriginal Sexism Pac-a-Mac. Am not a lesbian; I just go for men who can actually make proper jokes.

  100. on 13 Jun 2010 at 6:17 pm Doc Wrong

    Hang on, weallmustvote puts himself ‘strategic place’ so he’s either blocking part of an important thoroghfare or the other option is he’s gone onto a ward for no fucking reason and is eavesdropping on confidential info. Plus he spends time collating info on people with clipboards… presumably on a clipboard?
    He is a rectal tumour,a syphilitic cock, a colostomy bag of a half-man