Curtain Twitchers and Delusions of Grandeur and Hypocrites and The Regular Twats and Unfocused Rage11 Jun 2010 07:30 am
By Gainsbourg

O mankind, thy nature be thy downfall!

See, the problem with us humans is our duality and shit, the eternal raging battle between our loftier ideals and our raw, bestial urges. For every word of Baudelaire there’s at least two thousand glued-shut copies of Razzle littering the hedgerows of Lancashire alone.

And nowhere is our species’ tragic condition more evident than in these two generous slices of pungent cheese, thoughtfully cut by Randy from some HYS nonsense about some telly programme or something.

There is nothing to which television shows will not sink to attract bigger audiences: Ok, the lowest common denominator is where the action is, tells us a lot about our so-called civilisation!
ian cheese

An admirable stance, Mr cheese! But then, having spent all of three minutes drooling through his vibrating Bundy eyeballs at Corin’s norks, he gets the horn and we see his high horse bolt from under him to dry-hump a Bravissimo catalogue.

I hope the female wrestler is a lesbian & make love to the beauty queens & the dwarf will be the voyeur.
ian cheese

Christ alone knows how he managed it, but if you look at the above post in its original context, you’ll find it’s actually stained with gobs of tear-diluted jism.

68 Responses to “Skidmarx”

  1. on 11 Jun 2010 at 7:39 am Shrinky pinky

    Mr Cheese clearly just wants to be where the action is (somewhere between the lesbian and the wrestler, just south of the lower common denominator)

    Actualy sounds rather cosy, would join him if he weren’t such a puffin’s pulsating pus-filled perineum….

  2. on 11 Jun 2010 at 7:41 am Shrinky pinky

    Actually, in fact. Balls, first time nerves… be gentle with me

  3. on 11 Jun 2010 at 8:31 am Ergele the Brave

    Despite ian cheese’s issues and torn moral conflict, I just can’t argue with his wish to be between those lesbians…

    …not sure about the dwarf though…

  4. on 11 Jun 2010 at 8:56 am Pirate Pete

    Isn’t the prescribed term a ‘vertically challenged person’ these days? No political correctness marks for Mr Cheese with that post…

  5. on 11 Jun 2010 at 8:57 am Enid Wibble

    Yes, Mr Cheese’s lesbian fantasies are relatively unusual, and I am given to understand that there is a good deal of low-brow literature and moving picture material dedicated to this interest. But if he can’t get it up without being watched by a dwarf, he’s going to be in trouble. A quick internet search brings up this link

    http://www.dvdverdict.com/reviews/sinfuldwarf.php

    which I have no intention of following. Well, it takes all sorts…

  6. on 11 Jun 2010 at 9:34 am Pirate Pete

    I hope the TV show that Mr Cheese hopes to watch has “Sex Dwarf” by Soft Cell as the soundtrack. One of the most under-rated pop tracks from the early ’80s, if I’m right…

  7. on 11 Jun 2010 at 9:46 am Mal

    Six of the poems in Les Fleurs de Mal (thanks for the flowers, Charles) were banned due to their sexual content including depictions of lesbianism.

    No dwarfs involved though, if my memory serves me right.

  8. on 11 Jun 2010 at 9:59 am Lurker in a Burkha

    You clearly don’t know your Baudelaire Mal, it’s Les Fleurs du Mal, and includes the oft-overlooked classic Le petit homme et la lesbienne d’huile.

  9. on 11 Jun 2010 at 10:07 am Andy

    @Lurker in a Burkah – d’huile? What, had they run out of chocolate?

    I’m all for lesbians. Not sure about the dwarf voyeur, though.

  10. on 11 Jun 2010 at 10:25 am aria of the lesbian dwarf diaper fetishist

    Wot, no room for a onehttp://www.nytimes.com/2002/03/17/magazine/aria-of-the-lesbian-dwarf-diaper-fetishist.html then?

  11. on 11 Jun 2010 at 10:26 am aria of the lesbian dwarf diaper fetishist

    F@#ked that up royally, didn’t I:
    http://www.nytimes.com/2002/03/17/magazine/aria-of-the-lesbian-dwarf-diaper-fetishist.html

  12. on 11 Jun 2010 at 10:54 am damon green

    If your average HYSer could read french, half of them would be burning copies of les fleurs du mal, half would be wanking themselves into a stupor.

    Oddly, I think Baudelaire would be pleased by that.

    If you wanted to be controversial in a very sad and esoteric way you’d tell him he was better as an art critic than as a poet.

  13. on 11 Jun 2010 at 11:13 am That Bloke in the Corner

    @Pirate Pete, you are right.

    I am however concerned that Mr Cheese thinks he is going to see this sort of action on TV, what channel is he watching and is it in HD? Is it Pay per View? Can I access it from the red button?

  14. on 11 Jun 2010 at 11:32 am SURPRISE DWARF VOYUER'S BUM!!!

    oo

  15. on 11 Jun 2010 at 12:01 pm Loumo

    If it’s ladies with a generous attitude to exhibitionism he wants, Babestation offers a far more wank-efficient choice than Big Brother. They’re guaranteed to whap ‘em out, and there’s often two of them on screen at once. No dwarves though, as far as I know.

  16. on 11 Jun 2010 at 12:09 pm Misophist

    Your writing style is awful:

    >having spent all of three minutes
    >drooling through his eyes
    >vibrating Bundy eyeballs
    >he gets the horn
    >we see his high horse bolt
    >dry-hump
    >Bravissimo catalogue.

    That’s too much for one sentence.
    These images would be hilarious if you split them up a little. If you did that and wrote more clearly, this blog would be so much better.

  17. on 11 Jun 2010 at 12:12 pm damon green

    @ Misophist.

    show us how it’s done then, funny guy.

  18. on 11 Jun 2010 at 12:12 pm Dean Cramvoid

    Cookie-cutter cuntish curmudgeon Martnal2 has an interesting suggestion.

    I’d like to see a version of BB in my local pub. Every 15 minutes we could all vote someone out, so that by 9pm all the boring characters would have had to leave. Bliss.

    Putting aside speculation as to who would actually find himself staring mournfully in through the window from the car park first, the obvious working title for this would have to be “Martnal and I”.

  19. on 11 Jun 2010 at 12:17 pm RIPOFF BRITIAN

    I’m pretty sure there’s someone commenting in the Guardian’s CiF that goes by the moniker “SkidMarx” and that this was going to be his expose (not exposaay)

  20. on 11 Jun 2010 at 12:28 pm Col. Richard Hindrance (Mrs), VC, DSO and Bar Six, Fruit Club, KitKat

    The Mail proves once again that its readers are no slouch when it comes to the cuntiness:

    http://liberalconspiracy.org/2010/06/10/the-daily-mail-and-bongo-bongoland/

  21. on 11 Jun 2010 at 12:34 pm aria of the lesbian dwarf diaper fetishist

    @Col – get with the times granddad!… and erm, stop having such a long name, er.

  22. on 11 Jun 2010 at 1:22 pm Misophist

    @damon green
    I never said it wasn’t funny.
    I merely commented on the writing style.

    My point is that the extra information the author has provided in an attempt be funnier and mock the subject further gets in the way of real funny material.

    “But then, having spent all of three minutes drooling through his vibrating Bundy eyeballs at Corin’s norks, he gets the horn and we see his high horse bolt from under him to dry-hump a Bravissimo catalogue.”

    This is funny because the subject thinks highly of himself because of the short amount of time spent doing something high-brow, but then the subject goes and does something crude.
    That information is funny enough on its own.

    The image of the subject “drooling through his vibrating Bundy eyeballs” is also very funny, but detracts from the other image.

    It is also grammatically incorrect: “we see his high horse bolt from under him to dry-hump a Bravissimo catalogue.”
    This says that the subject’s horse dry humps the catalogue.

    I’m saying this because I enjoy reading this blog. I’m trying to offer constructive criticism.

  23. on 11 Jun 2010 at 1:29 pm driverchris

    anybody else wanna suck the very lifeforce out of something line by line?

    No?

    ah…

  24. on 11 Jun 2010 at 1:30 pm jpr

    Hi Misophist,

    You’re a cunt.

    I’m saying this because I enjoyed reading your post. I’m trying to offer constructive criticism.

  25. on 11 Jun 2010 at 1:30 pm aria of the lesbian dwarf diaper fetishist

    I’m saying this because I enjoy reading this blog. I’m trying to offer constructive criticism.

    Ooooh hark at her, thats the problem with this e-galit-arian, world, every one thinks there an intellectual. I’ll tell you whose to balme… Thatcher, on,no hold on that don’t work does it?

  26. on 11 Jun 2010 at 1:34 pm jpr

    I’ll tell you whose to balme… Thatcher

    You won’t catch me balmeing Thatcher; it sounds disgusting.

    I’m saying this because I enjoy reading your post. I’m trying to offer constructive criticism.

  27. on 11 Jun 2010 at 1:35 pm Huge Firmly-Wankingsock

    Maybe it was the horse dry-humping the catalogue!!1!!1!! LOLZ!!11!!two!!1!!

  28. on 11 Jun 2010 at 1:36 pm Misophist

    Did you mean:
    Ooooh hark at her, that’s the problem with this egalitarian world: every one thinks they’re an intellectual. I’ll tell you who’s to blame… Thatcher. Oh no, hold on that doesn’t work does it?

  29. on 11 Jun 2010 at 1:41 pm jpr

    Did you mean:
    Ooooh hark at her, that’s the problem with this egalitarian world: every one thinks they’re an intellectual. I’ll tell you who’s to blame… Thatcher. Oh no, hold on that doesn’t work does it?

    I think what he really meant to say was ‘Misophist, you appear to be a humourless chimpanzee’s Che Guevara’s vertical smile’

    If I’m right.

  30. on 11 Jun 2010 at 1:55 pm Misophist

    Can you people not understand me? I’m not talking about how funny this is, I’m saying if you write clearer and try not to cram in every single thing you can think of, regardless of relevance, then this blog will be all the better.

  31. on 11 Jun 2010 at 1:55 pm Maj. Dennis Bloodnok, formerly of The King's Own Fifth Highland Health and Safety Executives, Knight Commander of the Order of St Stanilaus the Insincere, Vice Pomme-Frite of the Titikhakan Legation, Holy Roman Roller, Consul of No Fixed Abode, DSO and B

    From Col. Hindrance’s link:
    “…Then we would be spared the ordeal of having to sit through a match between Bongo Bongoland and the Former Soviet Rebpulic of Bulimia and other meaningless events. Mike Phelps, Yeovil, Somerset”

    The small nation of Bongo-Bongoland was originally founded on an island off the coast of Essex by Lt.Col. Sir Peter Bongo-Bongo, who was shipwrecked there during a Thames estuary pleasure cruise in 1931.

    The Former Soviet Socialist Republic of Bulimia, existed between 12:38 on 22 May 1983 and approximately 6pm on the following day and comprised three semi-detached houses in the Croydon-Purley borders. At it’s height the population of the republic numbered seven adults and thus never fielded an international football side.

    It is a sad testament to the British education system that Mr Phelps can be so ignorant of well known history.

  32. on 11 Jun 2010 at 2:01 pm Nelson

    @Misophist: You’re right.

    @Gainsbourg: A tiny bit more work could have made this post 20% more gooder. SEE ME.

  33. on 11 Jun 2010 at 2:02 pm Misophist

    THANK
    YOU

  34. on 11 Jun 2010 at 2:02 pm Loumo

    Hang on. Advice about writing and a disagreement over what constitutes style? It’s you, isn’t in Cuger? Welcome back, we’ve missed you. But be careful, our aim is improving.

  35. on 11 Jun 2010 at 2:06 pm Loumo

    Aaaargh. I meant “isn’t it Cuger”, not “isn’t in Cuger”. Hopefully no-one’s in Cuger. Sorry.

  36. on 11 Jun 2010 at 2:10 pm Out of the Woodwork

    Nelson I think you missed the words “a” and “flange” when addressing Misophist
    Though I wouldn’t dream of speaking on your behalf, It feels more gooder

  37. on 11 Jun 2010 at 2:21 pm That Bloke in the Corner

    You won’t catch me balmeing Thatcher

    I don’t know about balmeing, but whe can we get round to embalming the bitch.

  38. on 11 Jun 2010 at 2:39 pm Lurker in a Burkha

    @Misophist a simple ‘Thanks’ would have sufficed, and made you look 20% less of a complete cockjob

  39. on 11 Jun 2010 at 2:47 pm Ed aka Voltaire aka BumSwine

    @Misogyphist

    So rewrite the article using your mad skillz™, and post it here. Let us enjoy the lulz.

  40. on 11 Jun 2010 at 2:57 pm Kris

    Misophist

    Can you people not understand me?

    I can, I just don’t give a fuck. My suggestion is that you carefully write all of your advice down in a letter, put it in an envelope, make sure to address it and stamp it, then shove it up your arse. Then don’t tell us about it.
    This way, you’ll come across as less of a boring fart, but your excellent criticism will still be as useful as it was here.

  41. on 11 Jun 2010 at 3:01 pm Misophist

    @Ed aka Voltaire aka BumSwine

    I might just do that. Expect it next week sometime.

  42. on 11 Jun 2010 at 3:06 pm Loumo

    I might just do that. Expect it next week some time

    .

    He said, tensionbuildingly.

  43. on 11 Jun 2010 at 4:16 pm naich

    Always the way, isn’t it? You start off Friday all virtuous like, but one trip to Speak Your Branes and you end up spending your lunchtime googling for dwarf lesbian porn.

  44. on 11 Jun 2010 at 4:46 pm Ed aka Voltaire aka BumSwine

    I might just do that. Expect it next week some time

    He confidently assured, tensionbuildingly.

    Fixed it for you.

  45. on 11 Jun 2010 at 5:53 pm Chaise Guevara

    I might just do that. Expect it next week sometime.

    So it’s going to take you about a week to make a slightly better version of something Nelson probably made up more or less on the spot? What is that going to prove?

    I don’t think you’re a cunt, or any amusingly alliterative variant thereof, but you’ve got to see that people aren’t going to get that excited when you reply to someone’s blog saying “I think you’ll find that using slightly fewer adverbs is considered funnier by 53% of lurkers”.

  46. on 11 Jun 2010 at 6:07 pm Ed aka Voltaire aka BumSwine

    Now Chaise, that’s where you’re wrong. I for one am on the edge of my seat, waiting for Misofist’s sparkling brilliance to wash away the dull unfunniness that has characterised this blog up till now.

  47. on 11 Jun 2010 at 6:16 pm Loumo

    I’m laying bets on it never turning up at all and it turning out his dog ate his laptop.

  48. on 11 Jun 2010 at 8:09 pm Richard Littlejohn's Funny Bollock

    This is nice, I’ve missed the hostility.

    Have Your Lurk just soaks it up like a insult-sponge, there’s limited satisfaction.

    @Maj Dennis etc etc

    My history is so poor. I’ll need more history on Bongo-Bongo Land to judge whether in the following 80 years there was enough population increase to field a team nowadays. Unless it was just Lt.Col. Sir Peter Bongo-Bongo who was ever living there, in which case, I guess not.

  49. on 11 Jun 2010 at 10:53 pm Randy Lahey

    @ Chaise: good effort, but it was Gainsbourg what wrote the article, not Nelson. If I’m right.

    Just sayin’…

  50. on 12 Jun 2010 at 12:14 am [NutterBrackets]

    I quite like “ian cheese”, and I have done ever since he told the internet that his slightly soiled donation to a charity shop had been rejected, the fussy fucks.

    On the other hand Mike Phelps, of Yeovil, Somerset, is a proper shitter, but perhaps not as big a shitter as the editor of the Daily Mail’s letters page (unnamed).

  51. on 12 Jun 2010 at 2:48 am new scientist

    @misophist

    You’re that dude Sheldon from ‘The Big Bang Theory’, aren’t you?

  52. on 12 Jun 2010 at 7:55 am Reprobate

    Surely Mr Ian Cheese is a master of post-modern irony, like most of the commenters on this blog?

  53. on 12 Jun 2010 at 1:28 pm BroomesWurn

    Actually, I don’t feel hostile towards Misophist at all. Why are the majority of you behaving like twats in response to his valid-but-controversial criticism? With a few exceptions, it’s not like your contributions make the blog any more amusing.

    However, Misophist, I disagree with you. I enjoy piecing together the various images in a sentence like that. I also thoroughly approve of equine humping, wet or dry.

  54. on 12 Jun 2010 at 1:44 pm Kris

    Why are the majority of you behaving like twats in response to his valid-but-controversial criticism?

    Because no one gives a fuck about his or anyone else’s opinion. Unless you’re saying ‘so-and-so is a cunt/twat/meerkat’s minge’ or making a willy joke, no one wants to know. Opinions are for HYS, taking the piss out of opinions is for us. Maybe pouring vitriol on his head is a bit much.

    To get back to the calling cunts cunts thing, here’s one of those carefully thought out responses to the scenes of violence against women in ‘The Killer Inside Me’;

    Feminists and various women’s groups are usually very keen to portray women as victims suffering at the hands of men.

    For example, all the domestic violence ads.

    Would you call this ‘misogyny’ too?

    And if not, why not?
    - John, London, 12/6/2010 6:18

    I hear you, John. You know, my girlfriend is always saying she wants to our relationship to be about equality, then when I punch her in the face she starts crying and bleeding and stuff. Fucking hypocrite.

  55. on 12 Jun 2010 at 7:43 pm Chaise Guevara

    It’s a problem all over, Chris. Last night, my girlfriend burned my dinner and then proceeded to attack my fists with her face several times.

  56. on 12 Jun 2010 at 9:44 pm Mal

    @Kris
    Yep, there’s been far too many opinions and not enough knob gags around here of late. For the confused, here is Nelson giving a short presentation regarding what this site is all about.

  57. on 12 Jun 2010 at 11:04 pm Gainsbourg

    I am chastened

  58. on 13 Jun 2010 at 10:32 am Seaman Staines

    Yep, there’s been far too many opinions and not enough knob gags around here of late.

    @Mysophyst: Ignore them, they just don’t like it up ‘em.

  59. on 13 Jun 2010 at 12:14 pm Mr Ed

    Cuger, is that you?

  60. on 13 Jun 2010 at 12:56 pm Mr Poo

    Oh my word. The murrikinz (or, more to the point, the republikinz) have latched onto the “open a web forum for the unbrained to rant on” idea.

    http://www.americaspeakingout.com

    It’s easy to bait them. *Real* easy.

  61. on 13 Jun 2010 at 1:23 pm Mr Ed

    and while you’re at it you earn badges!

  62. on 13 Jun 2010 at 2:01 pm BaymsWrine

    @Mr Poo

    I think America would be a better place if Republicans were more liberal and democratic.

    Cute.

  63. on 13 Jun 2010 at 2:04 pm BaymsWrine

    There are actually a few great ideas in there as well.

    We should tax losers. You would be in the highest bracket.

  64. on 13 Jun 2010 at 5:52 pm Chaise Guevara

    I think America would be a better place if Republicans were more liberal and democratic

    Ha. This (along with most of the other ‘ideas’ on that site) exemplifies why it’s ridiculous to get people to vote based on whether they simply agree or disagree with a statment. In this case, I can’t deny that America would be a better place if Republicans acted like Democrats, but that doesn’t change the fact that the poster is an idiot.

  65. on 13 Jun 2010 at 6:36 pm Have Your Lurk

    Have Your Lurk just soaks [hostility] up like a insult-sponge, there’s limited satisfaction.

    Thanks, Richard Littlejohn’s F.B. It’s little thoughtful comments like this one that give me a warm, sticky feeling in my Y-fronts.

    Oh, and Misophist… Here’s a little advice from someone who’s been where you are now: This is not the website for your opinions. Trust me on this. But I guess it’s better if you find this out for yourself.

  66. on 14 Jun 2010 at 5:13 am Dean Cramvoid

    This is class: World Cup organiser considers vuvuzela ban after TV complaints.

    But of couse FiFA can’t bring themselves to do the decent thing and ban it because it would be considered racist…

  67. on 14 Jun 2010 at 10:29 am Bugrat

    Yes but..but..but..

    If you don’t like it, turn the volume down or go away.

    ..responds nj99 ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivetherely

  68. on 14 Jun 2010 at 8:51 pm evilherbivore

    Oh my word. The murrikinz (or, more to the point, the republikinz) have latched onto the “open a web forum for the unbrained to rant on” idea.

    To use the argument that you want abortion to be safe, legal & rare, is akin to being back in the early 1800′s and wanting slavery to be safe, legal & rare. Slaveholders did a lot of rationalization. Today’s “pro choice” advocates keep rationalization alive and well! Your “rare, safe & legal” argument will easily slide into euthanasia where “terminating a life in the 203rd trimester” could be considered safe, legal and rare. My 94 year old mom doesn’t agree with you! Life begins when the DNA is distinctly “human”. Now, that doesn’t happen after the first breath is taken. In my mom’s case, her life will end when God calls her home to heaven.

    gems, every one, although for simplicity, in every sense, I rather like:

    “Be fruitful and muliply.” END OF STORY