Hey, kids. Remember the 1980s revival a few years back? Well, here it is again, this time with added social realism. Just as George Osborne is getting ready to make 1.3 million people unemployed, the government is going to sew up disability benefits so tightly that only limbless, headless torsos and brains in jars will qualify. Honestly, it’s like punk only just happened!
But what do the spluttering breadheads at This Is Money think? Go on, guess.
Thanks to Ken.
Quite right too.
Recently I followed a couple of people after they had signed on for their job seekers dole and found that 5 of them were actually working,one guy as a betting shop manager only yards from the dole office he uses.Time to stop these spongers.
R Markson, Manchester
Ladies. Can you make out that figure over there, crouching in the bushes outside your house? That’s R Markson. But don’t worry! He’s only making sure you don’t commit any benefit fraud or anything. Just act like he’s not there. Don’t you normally do some stretches about this time?
The labour party paid out beefits willy nilly only to buy votes
Mike, Penzance
I remember when the Labour party came round offering me beefits concealed in a discreet brown envelope. But I was smart. I told them I couldn’t promise to vote for them, although I might after a little more persuasion. Well, they were dropping by twice a week after that, right up to polling day. Now I can’t move for fucking beefits. They’re making my life hell. Please help me.
It’s interesting that people say there aren’t enough jobs to go round, yet half a million Poles showed up here a couple of years back and found work immediately – for example working in the chicken factory in Llanelli, or picking cabbages in Essex. When I was chucked out of a high-paying job twenty-five years ago I spent 3 months driving trucks, stacking paint in warehouses, and shifting furniture for LESS than I would have got on the rock’n'roll (since I had a wife and two kids). At the end of that period I still couldn’t find a job so I started my own business, working out of the back bedroom.
That’s where the jobs come from, chaps. Once you go on benefits, you’ll never get off again – starter jobs always pay less.
Jim Blythe, Cardiff
Yeah, scumbags, that’s where the jobs come from – Jim’s back bedroom, where you’ll find a low-resolution video camera, three barrels of vegetable oil and a pile of beefits that goes all the way up to the ceiling. Apply in writing, with photo. No time wasters.
Is it me or have i started seeing things,since the chancellor anounced he is going to start cutting incapacity benefit, there has has been a sudden surge in wheelchairs and walking sticks? from people who look like they do not need them ?? two words spring to mind – CON ARTISTS..
Michael, lancs
Personally, Michael, I think you’re fucking cracked. But it would be a suspicious coincidence, wouldn’t it? The Treasury announces a crackdown on benefit fraud, so naturally a load of people go out and commit benefit fraud. It makes perfect sense when you don’t think about it.
yeah bring it on, but i don’t think it will happen, there isn’t any jobs anyway,unless we send all immigrant s home that wouldn’t b a bad thing,british jobs for english workers
N Thatcher, bath
Nargaret is going all-out imperialistic on us. British jobs for English workers. So fuck you, the Scottish! Get out, Welshers, this call centre is ours now! Nice restaurant you’ve got here, Irish. Be a terrible shame if it suddenly got taken over by the English. Whoops, butterfingers!
Don’t just cut benefits, reduce the number of benefits there are – housing benefit/local housing allowance should be combined with jobseekers allowance instead of administered separately. If people can’t be trusted to pay their rent themselves, that’s their problem.
Privatise Jobcentre Plus, and make its staff behave like recruitment consultants driven by targets – and scrap the useless Pathways to Work scheme – there is nothing that they can’t do that can’t be done by jobclubs.
Merge or shut down most universities (especially ex-polytechnics) and make companies take on apprentices. One family friend started work as an articled clerk and retired as a circuit judge – we need to return to that instead of lumbering people with student debts for useless degrees.
Jobseeker, South London
I can see what Jobseeker did here. Having demanded an unworkable oversimplification of our complex system of benefits, and called for Jobcentre staff to effectively retrain as recruitment consultants – because we need more of them in the world – Jobseeker (who I’m going to assume is a man because I’m a dreadful misandrist) read back his post and, being an utter fucking cockslap, thought to himself, “no, this is far too reasonable. What can I do to make myself seem even more insanely rightwing and stupid? Ah, I know: ‘shut down most universities.’ High five!”
85 Responses to “Stalking For A Fairer Britain”
To give credit to our friend Michael from Lancashire, he does begin his wordspunk by saying “Is it me or am I seeing things” implying that he acknowledges he’s a stark raving mentaller and that the “sudden surge in wheelchairs and walking sticks” is indeed his brain projecting a terrifying image of sentient disability-devices marching on his heavily protected fortress (read: semi-detached home with a pointless gate) a la “The Wall”…
How many of those fucking mouth breathers work themselves I wonder.
I’m pretty sure that would have made the news. Half a million Poles marching about in formation and all descending at once upon a chicken factory to do some simple manual labour would hardly pass unnoticed. Plus I imagine there isn’t a single cabbage left in Essex.
When I was a lad I served a term as “office boy” to an attorney’s firm. I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor, and then I was made redundant.
R Markson has unwittingly uncovered an eeeeevil scheme by these eeeeeevil dole scroungers, but failed to notice the true extent of the horror. He began watching two people, then discovered that five of the two were actually working. That means that 250% of people on benefits are cheating the system and/or can clone themselves at will. (Lucky Will).
@ Any Rand will do
I Lolled out loud because I got that straight away.
and then I felt very sad for knowing it so well…
Are beefits like Chewits, only made out of cows?
“british jobs for english workers”
English bastards, coming over here and stealing our jobs and our wimmen!
I liked Jobseeker’s plan to shut down most universities and make all these unemployed students and staff members get proper jobs. Where are these hundreds of thousands of jobs going to appear from? Fucking Narnia?
At this point I was no longer able to pretend I was reading serious work-related stuff.
Jobseeker may actually be very cleverly subverting the dribblers’ discourse by nodding and dribbling in time so he can quietly slip in a sentence that isn’t complete poo (apprentices). On the other hand he may be a fan of the telly show “The Apprentice” likes the idea of lots of little Alan Sugars being raised in corporate breeding dens. (I’ve just made myself ill by writing that). Or maybe just his nappy needs changing?
@ Have your lurk – Essex is still full of cabbages (brassica waynus), and slugs (gastropodus traceya); the Poles are smart enough not to touch them.
Wiser than you’s vision for a Better britain:
Jesus.
13. Complimentary and compulsory euthanasia for HYS commenters with dangerously retarded ideas.
Good grief! Wiser than you’s cuntishness is so massive it must be visible from space.
I love JobSeekers analogy about the Circuit Judge as he sadly misses the point that the at the very least the Judge would have had a high 2.1 in Law. Salt of the earth he was!!! No poncy degree for him.
I am all for reducing waste so lets see if we can get that bloated list of 12 points consolidated down a bit:
1. Abolish all taxes that I pay, or rather abolish all taxes that I wish I was rich enough to pay, because my finances don’t actually match up to my delusional aspirations.
2. Increase taxes on everybody else but particularly poor people and other people I have a grudge against.
3. Sack public servants like that bastard social worker who sent me to my bastard GP who referred me to a bastard psychiatrist who diagnosed me, ME!, as a delusional, psychopathic piss pipe.
See? That’s a 75% rationalisation. At this rate we will have the national debt paid off in no time.
So, it was boat bacons yesterday and beefits today. I see through you, Catholic Church. I never believed you really went away. Well, we shall our lentil-powered revenge.
http://yourfreedom.hmg.gov.uk/repealing-unnecessary-laws/all_ideas?b_start:int=30&-C=
The pointy-heads are starting to circle…
@ tw@tbasket.com
A psychopathic penguin’s putrid piss pipe, surely.
I’m usually a mere lurker on here, but ‘Wiser than you’ has brought me out from under my rock.
I want to find this man and plunge a screwdriver into his shitty little neck, taunting him as he gargles blood, until the last thing he sees is my perversely happy-angry-teethgrinding face.
Anyway, must dash, toodle-oo all.
“5. Trebling of duties on booze and fags; reduction of fuel duties.”
Looks like I’m going to have to start drinking petrol, then.
Hang on…you don’t mean…IT’S 1984 ALL OVER AGAIN?
If this is going to be the 1980′s returning for real then I’ve got no problem with:
(a) Shitting myself;
(b) Sucking on Duplo;
(c) Having a sexual attraction to Danger Mouse
Happy Days
@Natch
I’m undecided about this. On the one hand, as long as you can vote ideas down as well as up, I think it’s quite a good idea. However, I suspect that the only people who will actually participate will be the HYS crowd and freshly-rallied Daily Mail readers.
What do you think? Will you be participating?
Jobseeker is totally right. We absolutely should “make” companies take on an apprentice. And then “make” would-be poly graduates dream of becoming a judge while they “make” the tea. It’s a fair system.
Uh oh. Well, I’m rapidly becoming decided about the yourfreedom site, which is currently groaning under the strain of facilitating so much autofellatio.
From “Remove the right of councils to put obstacles in roads designed to curb speeding.”:
It’s something they put into the Gregg’s Stakebake, hormones I think, anyways he was randy before we’d could get him out of his pushchair.. played havoc with the antimacassars I can tell you..
… so he ran over a kid whilst having a wank driving through a red-light district?
Stop annoying me HYL.
Did anybody else read “wiser than you” as “considerably richer than you” (in mock brummy accent)?
The Poles post *is* quite funny. But I can imagine that for Nelson & crew, HYL’s OCD commentardism is like being followed round their house by a clingy, constantly shitting chimpanzee.
@Have Your Lurk
Nobody cares what your spouting about, now sssshhhh.
Ever seen the paperwork you have to fill out to get incapacity benefit? Being able to complete it should disqualify you.
Also, anyone bleating for everyone else to have a lower pension than them look just fill in the rest, I’m not going to insult you.
I had a packet of beefits for lunch this morning, and mighty tasty they were too.
From HM Gov’s Your Freedom -
To get to the area where people sign on, R Markson would have to show his own signing card to security. How does he know the Betting Shop Manager wasn’t visiting the Jobcentre to fill a vacancy?
I suppose picking holes is already granting him too much. But I would prefer to think he did enact some of the craziness he describes. It would put him in the scientific tradition of that bloke who sat in hospital corridors counting people; and this cunt.
So, Jobseeker, if we get rid of housing benefit, where will all the Jobseekers on Jobseeker’s Allowance live? Your house? You cunt.
And, even though I’m essentially repeating Alex’s post, there’s no such thing as ‘articled clerks’ in the legal profession any more. If I could have qualified as a solicitor without having done a degree (no arguments about ILEX please) then I would have done, but that’s not the way it works you toad’s twisted twat!
Wow, my ILEX comment totally makes me sound like a dick when I see it in the thread. Apologies for that – argue away!
@christonabike: Yeah. I was blissfully ignorant of him until after I enabled the blah filter and he sent me a weird email assuming it was because of him. “Who?”, I thought. Then looked at the comments and found out. I feel like he’s been “invoked” now. So I’m just going to delete all the weirdo obsessive stuff until he sorts his brain out.
I wasn’t around when the blah filter was enabled, so I wondered why it had been turned on. Was it sheer caprice, or was there an unwarranted outbreak of dialogue?
I have just had a trawl through the hmg website and dear fuck its depressing. Every self satified wank in the country seems to be trying to outdo every other one in an attempt to show how much of a pachyderms pendulous pudenda they are. Its crashing under the strain of twatbasketry
Yeah. In hindsight, it was naive to assume that it would be any different to Have Your Petition (which, incidentally, seems to be inactive now…perhaps the belief that you actually get to repeal something has attracted them all to Have Your Freedom?)
@Rotwatcher: I just browsed through and everything was full of fucking catchphrases and smug, rubbish in-jokes.
Like an alternative version of HYS populated exclusively by sixth-formers from a Very Nice School.
Nelson: “Like an alternative version of HYS populated exclusively by sixth-formers from a Very Nice School.”
I somehow doubt that SYB could ever manage the same levels of casual racism and arrogance.
He’s got about 10 screen names. Mother fucker’s like a chameleon. But a really shite chameleon that has Tourrettes, so always gives itself away.
@Dennis: Shit off. This place manages arrogance HYS can only dream of.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/haveyoursay/2010/07/what_laws_would_you_change.html
If I were to quote every shitnugget of fucktardery in this thread I would probably break the internet.
Enjoy crying.
Mouse, essentially Jobseeker believes that the legal system just comprises of millions and millions of forms and judges letting paedophiles and rapists win the lottery so what is needed is a plethora of under trained clerks who have “world experience” as if living independently and going through Law School presents no difficulties at all.
Earlier today that “Your Freedom” site had an autoplay vid of Dickvid Claggeron. Think it broke their pipe. Haha. Autoplay media is shitty at the best of times.
Maybe I’ll add some to the homepage here.
Just clicked on Dave the Dog’s link, and the very first thing I see, on the very first line of the very first comment, is this:
So-called by whom, precisely??
I couldn’t bear to read any further.
Don’t worry, that seems to be roughly how they’re running ESA. And the mental health questions show that they’re already highly supicious of people who claim to be both ill and literate.
I’ve been saying the same about rape whistles. They are undemocratic and stop someone from being able to break the law and suffer the consequences
As I said to the person I was mugging the other day, who tried to use self defence to stop me from acting out my democratic right to stab him in the lung and steal his Ipod:
WHAT IS THIS, COMMUNIST RUSSIA??
I don’t know what they are, what they do, or how they work, but I saw the word in the same sentence as taxes and now I want them BANNED.
I swear I’ll never cycle on the pavement again.
With this massive upswell of support, you should start your own party! With 1000 votes in a country of 65 million people, what can’t you achieve?
…except that Jobcentre Plus is already a privatized, and already runs on targets exactly like this, based on how many people they can place in employment. Of course this is not ideal if you’re an ethnic minority, over 40 or anyone else viewed as traditionally “difficult” to place. Still, I guess Jobseeker could be viewed in this regard as some what of a belated visionary. A career in management strategy awaits. Or maybe I’ll see him next week when I’m signing on.
One more to stave off the boredom.
Lewis Fitzroy, everybody. Poor chap doesn’t even know what illegal means.
Goddamnit, does this mean I’m going to have to take the locks off my front door?
Of course, R Markson has a point. It’s the same point you have when you say, “if we starve 95% of humanity to death, the 5% of survivors will have access to more food”.
Otherwise, he’s still a twatbasket.
Welcome to the brave new world of democracy driven by personality disorder.
Can someone briefly explain to me the anti have your lurk sentiment, i fail to see the issue with him, its not like he’s another Adair or a Craig is it?
IS IT??????????
Look, you’re all getting this wrong. A beefit is a special bee you get in a reinforced envelope. You put it in a fishtank and shine strobe lights in its bee eyes, and it has a seizure. It’s, like, really REALLY funny (if you’re a haver of your say).
…Until it gets BANNED by so called ‘animal rightists’ no doubt.
@Twatbasket
I actually liked him, in the way you might like Jedward or Zane Lowe; you know how annoying they are, but they’re so energetic and sincere that you find it difficult to despise them.
How does merging Housing Benefit into JSA decrease how much it costs?
Oh, and it is good to know that Michael, Lancs can diagnose someone’s mobility problems by looking at them – this is an amazing superpower and could save the NHS a fortune in pricey MRIs like the one they needed to diagnose my MS.
HYL didn’t even annoy me. Am I doing it wrong?
Except that you don’t have to fill anything in for the application, and you shouldn’t for the successor, either. It was decided that you should be doing it all over the phone to 1) decrease the amount of time taken to get your application in, 2) decrease the risk of having mistakes all over the forms, thus delaying the application, 3) streamline the process so it involves less staff at every point and 4) offer out some juicy private sector contracts while they’re at it.
By the way, this:
is the kind of sixth form knobjockery I could very much do without.
@Mim
Mim, if you’re not filled with impotent soft-left-wing rage almost at random, then yes, you’re doing it wrong.
For practice, look at this webpage, and at the bottom imagine the text for one of the checkboxes says “blah filter”. Randomly click it over and over. Feel the raw, sexual power flood your thin, watery veins.
helen_s
You’ve still got it wrong, it was a typo, he meant beeftits, he’s blaming Labour for the rise moobs.
I knew this ‘what law don’t you like’ bollocks was going to be a goldmine. From ‘joesmith’:
Please, please, PLEASE can I tell Joe Smith that the death penalty and retrospective legislation are outlawed by the Human Rights Act? PLEEEEASE?
Holy hippo’s hard-on, you can comment on them as well! See you in a year…
@Mirelurk
Don’t do it! That way lies madness, and boredom, swiftly followed by impotent despair.
I’m already mad, bored and a little bit despairing. And impotent. But I’m not actually commenting, just laughing at teh stupid who do. Once you scratch the surface, it’s not actually as good as I thought. Most people don’t know the meaning of the word ‘repeal’.
You’ve made this small, squishable amphibian slightly happier. Unfortunately, there’s another suggestion on the yourfreedom site asking not only to repeal the 19th-century law against it, but to make it compulsory – presumably from someone who drives door-to-door and has never set foot on a pavement.
It’s the apostrophe that strikes me. Allows’. It is proof of a little learning being a very bad thing. Lewis is aware that the apostrophe exists, and that it is often sighted in the wild humping the letter S, sometimes in a sort of love-sandwich thing between two Ss, plus he probably once saw someone on the bus reading Lyn Truss.
This is really rather subtle. He knows it’s important, but has not the first clue why, or what to do with it. A bit like television licences. If you’ve got an S, you need a ‘.
Tee hee
ha ha! Get me with my first block quote.
So proud
Mmm. And Nelson putting the blah filter on is preventing me from being able to act like a twat with OCD and Tourette’s* and then suffer the consequences.
*Note the correct spelling, please, whoever got this wrong above.
(Yes, Nelson, you can delete this one. Look, it’s hard to change, all right? I’ll get there eventually.)
John Adair, kicking someone called Hugh into a hole. Or kicking a hole in someone called Hugh.
From which we can deduce that the writer is an IT consultant – if you can call asking “have you tried turning it off and on again” consultancy.
What idiot decided to make the “contributions” to the law repeal consultation visible and commentable? That was obviously only going to attract a nasty little community of like-minded wankers, as you get on all websites with comments, er, except this one, obviously.
How on earth are the government’s minions meant to find the one or two serious, reasoned suggestions under all that pointless posturing and verbiage?
Still, at least the poor civil servants will have the odd laugh as they wade through the wank:
B: “Oh, I say! Come and have a look at this one Sir Humphrey.”
H: “What is it Bernard?”
B: “A ghastly oik called Adair. Apparently he thinks we can solve unemployment by deporting half of the economy and somebody called Hugh.”
H: “Oh dear. That is a choice nugget of ordure you have found. Send a copy to Nick Clegg. It should put him off any future attempts at consultation.”
B: “Yes,Sir Humphrey.”
Nelson: Don’t be surprised when you get a call from senior civil servant, or maybe even a government minister, some time in the next few days asking you to show him how the the Blah Filter works. Don’t let him give you any crap about the national debt and tight departmental budgets. Make him pay full price for consultancy. He will willingly pay whatever you ask.
Time to teach Nick Clegg a lesson and flood Have Your Freedom with content ripped from the Twat-o-Tron.
There is a tiny chance of this backfiring, and some of the Twat-o-Tron’s suggestions making it unedited into an Act of Parliament, but it is a worthwhile risk.
Pretty sure its sole purpose is to act as a lightning conductor for the brainfart brigade. If they send their drivel there, they’re less likely to be sending it to the beeb or to their local MP.
I notice that the freedom website appears to have congealed..
Reading too fast, I thought that was another of those HYS escapees who drop in to point out how smug and elitist we are.
If I were to send a Freedom of Information request asking how much the yourfreedom website cost, do you think I’d get an answer?
@sheepless: Nah, FOI is first on the “To Repeal” pile – they’re going to make it retroactive too, once they’ve invented those mind wiping things from Men In Black.
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