What’s more depressing than the Daily Mail? The Daily Mail taking the moral high ground from the BBC, that’s what.
When commentator David Mercer said something during the Wimbledon coverage about some supposed “puppy fat” on this year’s paedo’s choice Laura Robson, the Mail called him out on it. With a straight face and everything. Literally tens of people rushed to voice the same two opinions (bad Mercer/good Mercer), and Jo brought this silly prick to our attention.
Sorry but I completely AGREE with Mercer’s comments.
ALOT of the female tennis players now are carrying TOO MUCH weight! You cannot say its “puppy fat” thats an old wives tale!
I can never recall Chris Evert, Billie Jean King or Martina Navratilova carrying a spare tyre of fat around their middle??
The men done have spare tyres do they?
Sorry but the girls are not fit – hence all these little screams when hitting the ball etc…..
Samantha Jane, East Sussex
Samantha artfully tops and tails this dripping pisstowel of unpleasantness with two shining examples of the arsehole’s apology. It’s the apology that isn’t an apology, the brother of ‘not being funny, right’. What it means is: “I deeply regret doing or saying what I’m about to do or say, but not enough to actually refrain from doing or saying it. I’m basically a complete failure of a human being with an overinflated sense of entitlement; nonetheless, I shall deign to consider your pathetic feelings by prefixing the following cuntery with the word ‘sorry’, then you can all go, ‘that Samantha is harsh but unfailingly correct. And I tell you what, she’s certainly magnanimous in victory. I wish I could be more like her, rather than considerate and well-liked’.”
So female pro-tennis players: consider yourselves told, right? Fucking screaming barrels.
53 Responses to “Pennis”
This is obviously not the same Daily Mail which has been perving over the shortness of the players’ skirts. That Daily Mail would be unable to anyone else commenting on a player’s body.
Now if I were a cynical person (which I am obviously not, being a SYB reader) I would guess that Samantha Jane is a pen name for somebody called Eric (or similar). Either that or Samantha is an anorexic, failed tennis player.
In his/her defense, I would like to say that his/her deviation from the norms of English grammar and spelling was most inventive.
I like it when they grunt.
I make no apology for what I have to write. I’m sorry, but I don’t.
What is this “tennis”?
I wonder what Samantha thought when those rumours of Daniella Hantuchova being anorexic were floating around.
Does anyone know if there’s a catalogue of Daily Mail hypocrisy? I’d love to see some of their stories side-by-side. I remember a great example (perhaps found by Charlie Brooker, I can’t remember) of them reeling off their typical anti-paedo spiel just a page or two away from a photo of Hermione (Emma) Granger (Watson) with some suggestive comments underneath. It was at a time when she was particularly borderline RE: age of consent.
It’s hard to believe that they don’t do these things deliberately.
Sod tennis. Bring back kabaddi, That is a proper sport with several big advantages over other major televised sports:
1. Players have to hold their breath, so it can’t go on for three days without anybody winning.
2. You can’t complain about the players making silly noises because it is in the rules that they have to.
3. England doesn’t play it, so we can’t lose at it.
“Bitch is too fat anyway”?
Not as exhaustive as you might like, but try this.
It’s almost as though being able to run about for a while helps you to be good at tennis. You couldn’t make it up.
Where can I buy one of these dripping pisstowels?
Brimswan, this is the finest example of them all. On the right, missing-the-point-by-a-light-year outrage at Brass Eye’s Paedo Special. On the left, a ‘Phwoar, look at the size of 15 year old Charlotte Church’s tits’.
Mentioned in the article, but not shown, the Daily Mail’s reaction to ‘sick filth’ Brass Eye (again, utterly missing the point) directly opposite close-up pictures of bikini-clad Princesses Beatrice (13) and Eugenie (11).
Brimswan, also enemiesofreason.
“Sorry, but…” is a pretty reliable marker on opinion journalism as well. It says that the following piece contains some fatuous contrarianism that pretends to be brave consensus-busting but actually panders to the interests of the government or big business or some other powerful institution.
Uh, I see that my comment up there makes no fucking sense, because of my habit of omitting some of the. Oh well, you get the idea.
I’ve always read the “sorry but” opener as shorthand for “I hope to cause offence with the following; in fact, I’ll be a little disappointed it nobody is upset”.
@Brimswan: I’m a big fan of tabloid-watch.blogspot.com.
@Sheepless, Dean Cramvoid, “Sorry, but” is kind of like saying “It may not be politically-correct to say it, but…” which actually means that it is very politically-correct in that it is a statement which usually panders to some populist notion, but by starting it off that way makes it, as you said,
(I liked both your explanations, and thought they could be combined into some kind of awesome monster denunciation of the tedious, wannabe-controversialist wankers who write this kind of shit)
@Dizzy
Thanks. That’s amazing.
@773
Thanks. That’s also amazing. It even contains a quote from someone outraged about Channel 4 saying “Their double standards are totally incomprehensible”.
@Dean
Thanks. That site’s down just now, but the google cache isn’t, and it’s amazing. After reading a few I do get the impression that his cause is completely futile, especially when he expands his target to include gossip mags.
EBAYTKMAX, on “should scrounging teachers be sacked for incompetence?”. The best bit of it: ebaytkmax has left it double spaced. When we print it off, we can write our notes between the lines.
Here at the Mail, we find it DISGUSTING and voyeuristic that the BBC keeps turning the cameras to female audience members during the tennis. To help you get over your nigh inconsolable rage, have some photos that we took up Miley Cyrus’ skirt, and listen to us blather on and on about Christine Bleakley one minute, then call her a fame hungry vulture the next.
My shite laptop is broken so I’m on shite mobile internet, but has anyone mentioned Angry Mob or Daily Quail yet in regards to Mail/Express-centric websites. Quail is finished now but the archive is luvverly.
I’d link to them, but I’m sure you can handle googling it.
Will the class assessor hide in a cupboard?
@ Sheepless
After reading the first couple of sentences, I actually thought EBAYTURD was suggesting a crack commando team of under-tens to sneak into classes unnoticed and assess Miss Hodgson of Middleton Primary on her ability to mark finger painting and console them after boo-boos.
Even if such a team of crack commando under-tens is set up, the teacher might still kind of twig to it. “Hmm. I wonder who that new boy is, down at the back. The very attentive one, with the voice recorder and the book of education by-laws open in front of him.”
I was considering both those possibilities. Then I realised he’d put the comma in the wrong place. What a dalek’s dickhole.
I’m numb now to the usual bad spelling and grammar characterises most of what passes as comments online, so now my new pet hate is people who semi-randomly CAPITALISE certain words in their COMMENT in order to draw attention to what they think are the most IMPORTANT parts of their argument. They seem to think it’s clever but I find it ANNOYING.
I’m most impressed that EBAYTKMAX hasn’t managed to kill herself yet, considering the level of intelligence she shows in her posts.
It’s been mentioned, but Tabloid Watch is great for Daily Mail fails. Check out the one about Steve Jobs using Twitter.
And this is my favourite Daily mail cancer story: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1265277/Cancer-danger-night-time-trip-toilet.html
For fuck sake make sure you piss in the dark.
If nothing else, the kiddie-commandos will allow the Mail will report on the ‘plague of children’ who only attend school 7 days a year.
@Col John Matrix
If you capitalise your initial assertion then only use an exclamation mark when asserting the contrary, then surely that balances out to a finely nuanced argument?
Got to admire Emile Heskey …. had a disastrous World Cup …. comes home , puts a Strawberry frock on and wins the Women’s title at Wimbldeon!
Pat Rattigan – HYS’er on Undemocratic Speed Bump’s cancer scare story – surely demonstrates something far worse?
Unfortunately for the myth-makers, the national disease crisis has been spiralling since day-one of the “NHS” and is now the worst since records began.
Is he implying the NHS does not exist?
Sorry, but saying “Sorry, but” in your posts doesn’t, eh… brain in knots already.
@Undemocratic Speed Bump
I find a nice pot of radium tea before bedtime allows me to see where I’m pissing without risking the use of the bathroom light switch.
@Undemocratic Speed Bump, you apparently didn’t see the Mail claim, with no hint of irony, that Facebook causes cancer.
Ask EBAYTKMAX what comes after seven and he would reply 90% or just sink into a catatonic stupor. He grudgingly accepts that the numbers 1-6 are necessary to add glory to his favourite number, but shortcircuits when invited to consider one greater.
Ask Samantha James the same question and she’ll fire back: ALOT.
I’m sure this has been said before, but [Nelson: it has. Shut up.]
You might also like Kill or Cure, which lists things the Mail has said will cause cancer, will prevent cancer, and will cause and prevent cancer.
The repetition of seven in that ebaytxmax post gives it an almost biblical feel (book of Revelation, perhaps). Try reading it in Kevin Spacey’s voice for the best effect.
I’m not a medical research scientist but I have been conducting my own research on the causes of cancer. I have followed 6 cancer patients home from hospital, 4 were of mixed race, 3 lived in council accomodation and a further 5 were unemployed. I’m not racist but my research shows that non-indigenous people are more likely to catch cancer than decent white people and they are draining the resources of the NHS.
@Col John Matrix: I always ASSUMED they picked up the HABIT from reading the Sun, which does the same thing all the BLOODY time.
That, or they’re afraid their CapsLock key will stop working if it doesn’t get enough exercise.
@Bob
You are quite clearly a cunt.
Not only is this a little bit racist and misogynistic, but I consider Serena Williams to be faintly attractive, and Heskey to be a fucking ass, so this really doesn’t sit well with me (possibly my problem, but I’ll get over it).
(p.s. if this was just a fatuous attempt to plug a webiste, PockeInfo.net is shite, and you would then be more of a cunt)
@Kris
I have seen that claim from the Mail, and read many, many others, but when I catalogued and ranked them all with my homemade marking system, the Facebook one wasn’t my favourite. The pissing in the dark one was.
I prefer the Facebook spreads syphillis from The Sun, it’s more amusingly specific
This one is quite, er, gobsmacking for several reasons.
Yes, it REALLY does. All your oral sex cancer fears are justified.
Leaving aside the last line, which essentially says there’s no risk at all, why will most men not want to know this, exactly? They’re not the ones giving the oral sex, they’re getting it. (Assuming the study was conducted on heterosexuals.)
Surely this article should be screaming: “WOMEN EVERYWHERE! Stop getting down on your knees and sucking off your man’s old fellow! Not alone is it an act of SUBJUGATION and SYMBOLIC RAPE, but you’ll get THROAT CANCER and your throat will blow up or something! Yes, REALLY!”
Not to mention how the study was conducted. How do you measure something like this, exactly? Get a volunteer to keep sucking off other “volunteers” until she gets throat cancer? We could be here for some time.
@ HYL
This explains a lot about you Lurk…
I assure you, all my (hetrosexual) men give oral sex…
Ah.
Ahem.
(cough, cough)
Right. Yes, I knew that, of course I did. Ahem. Oh! Some work has just arrived, I’d better go and do it. What a shame…
I know it’s rather a low blow to go for comment from The Sun, but this is a rather good example in regards to Ronaldo’s baby who has TWO mums! EXCLUSIVE!
followed 20 minutes later by
twat. Period
I’m willing to bet Hinderancex didn’t give his ex oral sex either.
It’s not just his hand that got bitten.
Actually (puts on horn-rimmed spectacles), oral sex can result in a nasty yeast infection in the throat, something more commonly found in young babies. Your (real) doctor will then ask, when presented with this, if you have oral sex, and you’ll have to confess.
I speak from experience.
A great day to skip breakfast.
Hinderancex is a proper flesh-crevice. Let’s imagine at the next Fathers for Justice stunt, he’s issued a really crap costume – of the Dazzler, say. And let’s imagine this stunt involves scaling, oh I dunno, Nelson’s column by means of a long ladder. The guy dressed as Captain Britain only has the old-style costume with the quarterstaff which he negligently rests against the ladder while
Only because they can run faster than you.
Just popped back in because I forgot my coat earlier. That’s the one, ta.
I tried once, but they objected.
Thanks, it’s the one with the Picture of Boba Fett on the back.
I’m not being offensive, but anyone that so much as even glances at a copy of the daily fail / heil is clearly a dog rapist.
TrumpsCombOver
I resent the fact that you think I am a dog rapist just because I check the Mail on a daily basis! I need to know what colour bikini Christine Bleakley is wearing today!
And I’ll have you know I only finger my dog’s arsehole cos she loves it! I get no fucking pleasure from it at all!1111