The Remote-Controusered Philanthropists
By AlexWho would you give your money to? Going to be a tricky one this. For obvious reasons ‘friends’ and ‘loved ones’ aren’t feasible, and ‘strangers’ might turn out either poor, foreign or both. So who then? Straight in first, setting the bar high from the outset, is our shiny new friend Toad in the Hole.
Toad In The Hole wrote:
Who would you give your money to? Future me.
Future you? That feckless arse? Never does a stroke of work, just sits there pretending to be over sixty-five, sponging off past and present you. Probably best you ram a butternut squash or two up your now-jacksie, wreck the lazy fucker’s bowels for him. Revenge is sweet.
D G Cullum wrote:
I give my money to me as I have very little to live on like many people how many billionaires do I know none but I will give them my address if they wish to send me a few thousand dollars. Any money they give they get back in taxes and it will not get them into heaven any quicker than anyone else. Why allow the media to make a big deal out of it its to much many anyway and the one that has made it sees it different than the kids who get to really spend it. Money is nothing it what you do with it so give it all away those rich people spend it on others and be generous about it after all you can not take it with you when you go and maybe someone will remember you for soemthing else and not just for being rich.
See, you didn’t think anyone could beat “future me”, did you? Well you didn’t reckon with the “present me”/”please Mr. Buffet could I have some more?” one-two combo, did you? There’s obviously a lot of talent here, but occasionally, someone will drop the ball and slip into a sense of charity for, like, other people.
UKcerberus wrote:
As a live billionaire, the very first thing I would do is leave this country!!
I would then help as many of the victims of UK governments as much as I could, but from afar. Victims of the UK’s appalling justice (sic) system who have no redress just because they are poor would get help with legal fees. The poverty-stricken children – yes, British children – would benefit from having at least a decent meal every day. Finally, I would ensure that no British child went to bed frightened or unloved. I would do that by sponsoring a private social service – highly skilled and motivated people who would be only concerned with child welfare, and not how easy a time and how politically correct their actions are.
It’s rather a clever happy medium really. You get to show your deep love and affection for sickening, uninhabitable Britain, and heartless disdain for Other Countries, your happy new home-sweet-home. Plus the more you donate, the less chance there is you’ll spend it and accidentally contribute to the local economy. My only worry is that if you do it this way, it might be mistaken for something ghastly like overseas aid and a foreigner might get his garlicky, unshaven mitts on it. Best just stuff all your imaginary billionaire-money in a big sock then have a wank into it.
84 Responses to “The Remote-Controusered Philanthropists”
D G Cullum, you appear to have lost these (hands over shiny bag full of commas and apostrophes)
I had one eye on dip and the other on dazzle after reading that one.
If I were a billionaire, I’d invest money in the development of the remote-controuser. I can think of no situation where there they would not be useful.
You know, if I had all the money I’ve spent on drink I’d spend it on drink.
You know the ‘fuck you all’ speech that you’ve got planned for work when you win £1.2m on the lottery?
If you were a billionaire you could possibly do this to whole races. Possibly using a combination of new technology and banners on light aircraft.
Possibly.
I like the way Mr Toad says he would give money to “future me” as if he is the very first person to think of investing his spare money instead of spending it all on crap from the Innovations catalogue.
Then we have D G Cullum who didn’t even read the question properly before whining and can safely be ignored.
This brings us to UKcerberus who is genuinely a bit odd. He doesn’t say why he hates the UK so much but, given his dark muttering about political correctness, he sounds like the sort of bore who moans about the “nanny state”. So what is his dream? To run his own private nanny state with literal nannies. Hmmm.
UKcerberus should pitch to Chris Nolan. Santa Begins.
Never-been-school ballbag from the Daily Hate —
“I bet most of the money gos to ungratfull third world countrys that end up lineing the pockets of dictators and not helping the people in them countrys.”
- Dean, Gravesend, 04/8/2010 18:35
If I had billions, I’d give them to future me, to finance the development of a time machine. Then future me could travel back in time and give past me investment tips, from which past me would make billions.
Listen to all these misers! Oh, if only someone could update A Christmas Carol for all these lost souls! If they could just read such a story, and then think of it, the world would be a better place.
But I need your foreign aid money to line my pockets otherwise stuff just falls through.
“Any money they give they get back in taxes”
It’s true that Lakshmi Mittal has so far availed himself of £27million worth of free NHS dental treatment whilst shamelessly benefitting from road signage.
Is there any evidence to suggest that giving children pre-beddy-byes lovin’ (privately-sponsored or otherwise) would actually improve things? I think this plan needs some careful consideration.
He actually makes a good point. This was the topic of my uncle’s PhD. He now works in the World Bank trying to solve precisely this problem. Perhaps some collaborative research is on the cards?
This story seems like it might actually be quite nice, so I’m restraining myself from reading any comments on it.
Doesn’t stop me from gorging on Littlejohn’s latest cum splatter though. It’s actually quite amusing. He’s decided that 40 odd billionaires giving lots to charity is a great oppurtunity to have a go at big government, Gordon Brown and even trannies.
You thought I was joking. I wasn’t.
Awwww, bless.
Under Littleprick’s thesis on how big government is a stupid meanie who smells, this;
Using science, and a sample group of ONE FUCKING PERSON, Littlejohn has worked out the mean value of the British people. Applause.
Littlejohn. Another working to improve Britain’s lot “from afar”.
I think the logic goes: All forrins want to come here; therefore only the true patriot will want to piss off somewhere else.
Toad in the Hole would star in “Demento”. A man with dementia wakes up to find his bedroom walls covered in post it notes saying “YOU’RE MINTED” and “ALL YOURS (YOU’RE WELCOME)” along with polaroids of himself holding an outsize, competition-winner’s style cheque. The bulk of the movie shows his attempts to decypher the mysterious tattoo on his arse. It is his PIN number, but due to a quirk in optics he can only see it in reverse.
That sounds like the best film ever.
If you are searching for the correct word to stick in the above sentence, ‘incarnation’ is probably not it. ‘Modern Britain’ is already materially manifest so need not be incarnated.
..Unless by ‘Modern Britain’ you mean some imaginary entity swishing around the skull of a.. oh I see. Fergeddit.
If Littlejohn likes Britain so much…
that does sound suspiciously like he wants to legalise paedos.
if i’m right.
@USB
I agree. What these poor souls need to set them on the path towards spiritual fulfilment is a tale about a miserable cunt shoving his way through a crowd in a shopping centre, thinking hate-filled thoughts about them all, then hallucinating about his “past lives”. If only such a story could be told…
It would need adverbs, many adverbs. More adverbs than we alone can muster.
This is a desperate situation.
Make the call.
Cugar paced restlessly through his splendiferous house, stomping relentlessly back and forth without ‘rest’. Abruptly, the phone, rang insistently. No! It couldn’t be, the thought racing absurdly through his mind.’
‘Mr Brant?’ the voice rasped incitingingly. ‘We have a job for you.’
Ooh, I like this! Let’s write a story
I’ll continue:
Cuger wondered anticipatingly what this job could be. He darkly made himself a cup of tea, and went outside to his back yard. No! It was not Scotland Yard. He thoughtfully and hesitatingly pressed the handset to his ear nervously, and asked the caller hesitantly what he was calling about.
Some interesting quotes from the BBC CCTV HYS
The fear of being a white British Heterosexual male, a very justified fear in PC multicultural Britain indeed,
You must remember, its only racist if its a whitey doing it it like its only sexist if the woman loses out.
Oh for goodness’ sake, I thought you’d left after deciding we were all losers…
D G Cullum’s post works really well if you read it out very fast in a half-whispered, high-pitched monotone, pausing only to take a massive wheezy breath at each full stop.
Have you seen the “why is it more expensive to be single?” story.
David thinks that because he’s a horrible, self-centered cunt that nobody could ever love or want to share living space with, he should be entitled to special treatment and reduced council tax.
To continue Kris & Eleanora’s story:
“we want you to write a book”, the caller replied, speechfully. Cuger’s mind raced, full of thought. “My autobiography?”, he wondered, questioningly, as he sipped sparinly at the warmth of his tea. “Finally”, he summised, daring to crack a smile across his dry lips, “my legions of fans want to know the secrets of my exquisite story-telling!” Cuger stood up suddenly, with excited verticalness, knocking over several empty whiskey bottles with a crashing smash.
“Er, no.” responded the caller, answerfully. “We want you to write A Christmas Carol, only more… shit. See, it’s got to be simple enough for the HYSers to understand. If you could throw a bit of token racicm in there too, that’d be marvellous.”
Come and sit on my knee littel girl, it makes sense!
He’s correct, I am rather well endowed, I wonder how he knows?
Is it me, or is Dim-annoying-but-annoying channeling the personality of Bernard Manning?
[throws a copy of Rex and Moore at the little shit] – be off with you!
Storytime:
Cuger considered this thoughtfully, running the whole situation rapidly through his mind. “Well”, he thought, “who better placed than me to take on such an important task? After all, I am a being of superior intellect – I understand the subtle nuances of human interactions better than anybody else, methinks.” Cuger smiled schemingly to himself, rapidly drainig the last of his tea. After all, he had already unassumingly assumed the position of life coach and leader via his esteemed Twitter account, so he was most definitely able to instruct people on how to live a fulfilling life.
Must not feed, like all liberals, do as I say not as I do (ie just fed)
on the CCTV topic, a long way of putting it
or to sum up
Nolan completes his SYB Trilogy with The Prestooge : his most formally daring work to date and his first foray into comedy. It consists of an endless loop wherein the protagonist, referred to only as ‘The Nullity’, announces his ‘disappearing man’ trick before falling through a trapdoor into a drowning tank filled with human effluent
Double thumbs up there Mr Commode!
… and before any pedant points it out; yes there should have been a “,” between the “there” and the “Mr” … unless I was implying that he should insert two thumbs up himself….
Go figure
Tim you gerbils jizz pipe, it’s Friday afternoon mate. Shouldn’t you be off molesting livestock somewhere?
Yeah! Stop interrupting story time.
TimBulb – you should spend more time researching and writing paragraphs of racist bullshit to fill in the gaps between the formulaic HYSpooge you’re cutting and pasting. It’ll still get deleted by the Zanuliebore moderators, of course, but
I) it gives us something to laugh at on slow days
2) it’s even funnier when a really long comment gets replaced with the simple message “knob”
October) it means you’re not peddling it to anyone who might briefly believe it, or worse, act on it
Π) you might even start thinking after a while
Everyone resist the urge to respond to the self-indulgent little cunt. It’s tempting, but it’s what he wants. He can’t get his laughably small penis up unless people make him feel special and smug by giving air to the shit stains he calls jokes and opinions.
I suggest a word filter where Tim filters into ‘I am a self important dicksplash’.
Guys, guys, can we get back to the serious business of composing our Cuger-tribute-group-story?
I am a self important dicksplash
It works
Cuger’s heart was light with gaiety, but heavy with pendulous responsibility as he se out upon his serendipitously appointed quest. For a moment, doubt assailed him; was one man, even one such as he, equal to suc a momentous challenge?
He steeled his nerve with a firey nip from his hand tooled tungsten hip-flask and the though passed through his mind with electrifying speed that he should remind himself of his great achievements, in both life and literature. Such as the ability to trot out paragraph after turgid paragraph that enrich the characterisation and advance the plot not one whit.
Fiery nips? Racy stuff!
eleanora is properly into this story.
I’m engrossed, and a little turned on.
Cugar gently removed his cumbersome belt, and his trousers fell unencumbered to the floor. His already prominent, that is, ‘aroused’ manhood, quivered subversively in expectation. It was always a special experience, he mused suddenly. But this time was especially so.
With a certain trepidation, he shooed the cat out of the steamy room. He lit a couple of candles, with a lighter he had ‘found’ in the park he lit some candles, and satisfiedly he sat down.
And then, dear readers, picking up his quill, with moist care, he put it to the parchment. ‘This one,’ he thought, nipples hardening. ‘Is just for you eleanora.’
I may have gone too far.
I’m both touched and disturbed.
It has also just occurred to me that you’ve basically written Cuger porn… well, I guess that serves as further proof that Rule 34 applies without exceptions. *shudder*
@Ire
I think David M Beaton may be the most miserable, depressing cunt in existence. I keep picturing Bert Bastard from ‘Absolutely’.
V. good, he commented abbreviatingly.
What you might call a brantiose manner.
Why am I tempted to write rule 34-compliant porn about rule 34 itself? Also, about eleanora_ and Kris?
“Oooo, I like the way you type, Krissy…”
May I just point out that while typing that I was not also enacting it.
By the way, Absolutely is available on 4od (which seems to be some kind of branded Youtube doodah) here. Finally, the interwebs have a use!
If anyone cares, it seems 4od is not directly a Youtube doodah, but all the 4od content is also available on Youtube (eg here), so same difference.
Kris: just me, then?
The gift of Cuger just keeps giving. Slightly disappointed to see no emoticons in Kris and Eleanora’s – hem hem – magnum opus.
I do hope the Queen has a little something in her Honours bag for Cuger come new year. Can we petition anyone? Seriously? Yes, I told you, I work from home, get easily bored…
Actually you can nominate whoever you like, so we should start a petition.
What category do we put him into though? ‘For services to British culture’ or ‘For services to British comedy’?
Yay! Something shiny for the Cugemeister
Everyone’s away for the weekend I think, but Pete Land’s contribution to Guardian CIF at http://tinyurl.com/32mxghe can’t go unrecorded:
I think Pete’s quite new, but he’s definitely getting the idea.
Now Pete,’feminist’ wasn’t really the word you wanted there, ‘cunt’ that’s the word.
“i would dearly like to live in a world where stoning isn’t necessary”
You DO, you cunt
First time post:
Personally if the choice was between stoning one women or letting a bunch of misogynistic toss-rangers kill each other, I’d go for the latter. Especially if cunty-chops Pete was one of em. It’d be doing the world a favour at the least!
Pete Land’s wife left him because she got fed up with the beatings.
Ergo, all women are bitches and should be stoned, all men are innocent and should be worshipped.
He’s not a cunt, cunts are nice and warm and loving and tasty – he’s just a turd that even a dung beetle would refuse to touch on the grounds that there’s some things left best untouched.
What Liberals cannot understand about stoning or hand chopping off punishments is this:-
If we lived in a world where any convicted theft was punished by losing a hand, there would be very few thefts. We would be able to leave our homes unlocked, save money on insurance and burglar alarms, the would be no violent crime and therefore no victims of violent crime. the vast majority of criminals would simply not be criminals, they would not do it. Is that not a better world to live in?
The very occasional misfit would still be stupid enough to attempt it, and if them losing a hand is the price to pay for a better world, its a price worth paying.
Its no different to vaccines were vacinating the entire population against say smallpox, one person in a million dies from that vacination from an adverse effect to it, that is the price we pay.
The same goes for adultery, but unlike the arabs, should apply to men as well as women.
@j A’s G
Well,indeed. I should probably distinguish between the two senses of the word ‘cunt’
1. That part of a lady’s anatomy from which I have derive (and hopefully give) a great deal of pleasure.
2. HYS posters, Daily Mail columnists / readers &c. from which I don’t.
@Pete Tong
Apologies, sir, you seem to have mistaken this for a serious discussion website. Unfortunately you are mistaken. This is where we talk about vaginas and call people vaginas. Easy mistake to make.
I’m sure now we can all move on with our lives.
Oh Pete, (or should I say Tim?), look at the stats. Saudi Arabia (nice hand choppy country) has 13k assaults/year, 19k car thefts, nearly 60k convictions per year – not, I would suggest, a good indicator that chopping off hands reduces crime…
John, where do you get those stats from?
Tim?
Allow me to counterpoint;
WHO FUCKING CARES. This isn’t HYS. There’s already a HYS.
JFGI.
Beautifully put, if I might make so bold as to observe.
In support of the rhetorical offering made: racists and thickies, please drown yourselves immediately.
100% of fucktards who have their hands cut off don’t post on SYB. FACT!!!
I dunno, these hypotheticals can get pretty difficult. If you had a choice between stoning Melanie Phillips and letting Richard Littlejohn, Jeremy Clarkson and Nick Griffin go at one another with machetes, what would you do?
I’m gonna go with secret option number three – give Mad Mel a machete and send her into the melee and then stone to death any survivors.
Question is, which one is most likely to emerge victorious to then be stoned to death? Littlejohn is sure to go straight for Mel, she is a woman just about, but is the fat-puss-leaking twat nimble enough to take her down.
@ Pete Tong
To save you some time.
To have posted an argument on the positives of hand-chopping off and general stoning for naughty people on this thread, you have to be one of the following:
a) someone who has not read any of the thread, or the post that started it, or any of the website, but seen some words you recognise and decided you wanted to blurble some stupid opinion on stoning whilst idiotically addressing it to ‘liberals’, OR
b)attempting some sort of satire.
Now, if it’s a) then I suggest you fuck off, because you’re in the wrong place. Try here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/have_your_say/
If it’s b), you’re going to have to try a lot harder.
Yeah, you know, if you’re trying to get the blah filter turned on, then you’re going the right away about it, I reckon. Although Nelson is the one to flick the switch, and to be honest, it’s really horrible to come into the comments section on here when you’re not feeling full of the milk of human kindness or the benefit of the doubt.
But remember, if you want to ruin it for the rest of them, we don’t really care. We’ll still be at the top, calling you a cunt. The only difference is that you won’t be able to reply to me when I crack out your HYS profile…
So carry on. Because, as Chloe said in Gothika… you’re next.
No not the Blah filter! SYB is just diversifying is all No more do we have to import useless syphilitic drivel from outside sources now we have home grown shit goblins to make fun of.
Please tell us more about why dismemberment is a vital social policy
Dance Tim and Pete! Dance for our amusement.
wow, I have really rattled someones cage, i did not realise you liberals were so sensitive, then again look at the anti fascist league, make Mussolini’s mob look like a gang of boy scouts!
Badly spelled, badly capitalised, badly punctuated, badly thought out. You have performed right down to our expectations. Keep it up, thickie.
If I was a betting gerbil, I’d wager 50 sesame seeds that the IP address of Pete and Tim are the same.
Sometimes the world seems to be full of thick, hateful bastards, and to some extent it is, but it is not as bad as it seems because the thick, hateful bastards seem to be a lot more than they really are.
They shout more and louder than normal people. When they find that they have no mates they invent lots of nasty little alter-egos in the hope of making it look like there are more of them than there are. Of course, the effort of posting as multiple people on multiple sites begins to get them down (too much like work!) so they just cut and paste stuff from other sources and add a bit of boilerplate crap to the bottom.
Depressing though this is, just remember:
* No matter how many alter-egos they have they can only vote BNP once.
* Their alter-egos will never buy them a pint or have sex with them.
* They are useless twats and everybody can see it. They are fooling nobody except themselves.
Why do racists always use dogs in the horse in stable analogy? They should know that there are white, brown and black horses.