Credulous Nincompoops and Miscellaneous Prats and Outsiders and Permanently Bewildered28 Jul 2011 09:59 am

Princess of Farts

By Dizzy

Thanks to Jo. The original comment has disappeared and left only foul smelling footprints all over the internet, but forward-thinking Jo has helpfully pasted it over for us (hint, hint). The original article about Rebekah Brooks getting fired, is here, but like the majority of things in Comment is Free, it’s a depressingly obvious piece of self-indulgent tripe written by a confirmed moron. So get on over there and read it, because it’s right up there in terms of CiF quality.

@Savale

“Are you a Daily Mail columnist?

If so watch out – we’ll be onto your lot next!”

What a horrible bilesome comment.

What’s going on here? A strong woman made a couple of mistakes. I’m sure that Rebekah would admit this.

She shouldn’t have hacked Milly Dowlers phone, but I’m sure it was done for the right reasons. Besides which, remember this girl was already dead ok? Tragic but true.

It that the sole community who are coming out in support of Rebekah are the gay community. Just like when Princess Diana was victim of a wtich hunt. We now know that Diana was a beautiful person, some dayn we’ll know the same about Rebekah I’m sure.
JaneKnowels

Yep. She’s a saint, alright. A big, ginger saint. And strong, too – strong enough to rip the sack from a man’s oysters if he even thought about crossing her. I hope Rusbridger’s got his chastity belt at the ready.

She’s incredible, really – she started off shagging Grant from Eastenders and ended up playing polo with David Cameron,* presumably using George Osborne as the stick and Grant’s left clanker as the ball. And I’m sure that just like Princess Diana, everyone is very keen to see Rebekah closely involved with about 10,000,000 landmines, and would pay quite a lot of money to see her in the middle of a minefield in Afghanistan.**

At least now we know they’ve expanded the definitition of saintly behaviour. Before JaneKnowels started this degenerate harpy’s canonisation process, I was convinced it was either a lifetime’s selfless dedication to the poor, starving and downtrodden, or it was spending your life giving sex advice when the nearest you’d got to sex was wanking into the Archbishop of Liverpool’s mitre while he was prostrating himself somewhere very holy.

So in the list of acts that will get you giving God a Dirty Sanchez for all eternity, we can now include the very necessary and absolutely defensible act of illegally accessing a dead girl’s voicemail so you can get some inside information on her family, and then using that to get an interview that sells more copies of the News of the World. After all, to deny Rupert the opportunity to buy another small municipality to stuff into Wendi Deng’s knickers would be practically criminal. There’s right reasons for everything, and making sure the scrotal-headed one’s garbage empire has its shares knocked up a billionth of a penny is the rightest of right reasons.

And it’s okay. Milly Dowler was dead. And that means nobody got hurt at all, and Rebekah Brooks will ascend into heaven on a cloud of cinnamon scented farts for everything she’s done for humanity.***

Amen, JaneKnowels…

…you massive lump of cock-cheese.

* I don’t know if this is true, but I’m taking my lead from a fucking saint, alright?
** Or dying a painful, lingering death in an underpass.
*** And if you don’t like cinnamon, they’ll smell like justice for the victims of paedophiles, just for you.

43 Responses to “Princess of Farts”

  1. on 28 Jul 2011 at 11:00 am   Have Your Lurk

    Furst!

  2. on 28 Jul 2011 at 11:32 am   Ugly Newt

    Besides which, remember this girl was already dead ok?

    Are people naturally that good at missing the point, or do they have to train?

  3. on 28 Jul 2011 at 11:44 am   Dirty McSquirty

    giving God a Dirty Sanchez for all eternity

    now there’s an image that will stay with me forever…pesumably he would shave his beard off first otherwise it would get REALLY messy? Or maybe God doesn’t have a beard. Maybe she is clean shaven. With ginger hair probably, according to JaneKnowels.

  4. on 28 Jul 2011 at 12:26 pm   Mal

    Poe

  5. on 28 Jul 2011 at 12:34 pm   Have Your Lurk

    After much thought, I’ve decided I don’t want to know what a Dirty Sanchez is. Something tells me I’d regret knowing.

    Not Poe… a Poe-ster would have enough intelligence to know what sarcasm is, etc., and therefore would not belittle Milly Dowler’s memory like this cum-encrusted shitspout has.

  6. on 28 Jul 2011 at 2:29 pm   Dedeiax

    “It that the sole community who are coming out in support of Rebekah are the gay community.” (I won’t humiliate myself by trying/failing to use blockquotes)

    Um the gay community have been coming out support to support her – When did this happen?

    Maybe JaneKnowels… got her mixed up with Kylie or Lady Gaga?

  7. on 28 Jul 2011 at 4:18 pm   dirigible

    “she started off shagging Grant from Eastenders”

    When did this become a euphemism for alleged assault?

  8. on 28 Jul 2011 at 4:55 pm   gravematter

    So, she’s a woman with a good job. She must therefore be a “strong woman”, and therefore everything she does is right. Is the implication that anyone that criticises her is sexist? I just don’t understand.

  9. on 28 Jul 2011 at 5:37 pm   The Pacifist

    “It that the sole community who are coming out in support of Rebekah are the gay community.”

    Really? I’m gay, and Rebekah Brooks can fuck right off.

  10. on 28 Jul 2011 at 6:28 pm   Ugeine

    As a prominent member in the sole community, I’d just like to confirm that we don’t support Rebeckah Brooks either.

    JaneKnowels probably meant flounders, as they’re conniving little bastards.

  11. on 28 Jul 2011 at 7:54 pm   Have Your Lurk

    I’m a sole trader, that’s a sort of fishy slave dealer, and Rebekah Brooks can suck my big black cock.

  12. on 28 Jul 2011 at 8:42 pm   Mal

    Sole community? Is that foot fetishists then?

  13. on 28 Jul 2011 at 9:35 pm   Aretha

    I think she meant Soul community. You know, how we should give Brooks and Diana a little respect and all that.

  14. on 28 Jul 2011 at 9:51 pm   Gobbler The Oral Sex Alsatian

    gobble gobble gobble
    ginge ginge ginge
    woof woof woof
    slurp slurp slurp

  15. on 28 Jul 2011 at 11:38 pm   Obamooslim

    Gobbler appears to have returned For Real!

  16. on 29 Jul 2011 at 4:12 am   Sir Alf Ramsey's Porn Dungeon

    giving God a Dirty Sanchez for all eternity

    now there’s an image that will stay with me forever…pesumably he would shave his beard off first otherwise it would get REALLY messy?

    That’ll be a Marmite Toothbrush then!

  17. on 29 Jul 2011 at 8:45 am   Oaf

    she started off shagging Grant from Eastenders and ended up playing polo with David Cameron

    Is this like one of those adventure days people with no imagination buy for their relatives?

    Drive a Formula One car, Bungee jump without a cord, Shag a B list soap opera actor and play polo with a B list politician.

  18. on 29 Jul 2011 at 8:46 am   Oaf

    I would like to offer my most sincere apologies. That B in Bungee should have been lower case.

  19. on 29 Jul 2011 at 9:06 am   Have Your Lurk

    I wonder if you can get a box set of an Adventure Day plus a cock wig…

  20. on 29 Jul 2011 at 11:01 am   Sid Vicious K'nid

    Since eGrantfromEastenders’ once called her a homophobic

  21. on 29 Jul 2011 at 11:18 am   Sid Vicious K'nid

    Sorry, posted too soon there – how embarrassing!

    What I meant to say was, since Mitchell-bothering, troop-supporting, foxhole-crouching* GrantfromEastenders called her a homophobic cow for a remark to a fellow party guest about Clapham Common & given the number of outings & negative stories Need International have done on gay celebs I’d say she & her paper are as popular with gay people as with scousers.

    *not a euphemism

  22. on 29 Jul 2011 at 11:19 am   RIPOFF BRITIAN

    JaneKnowels

    Surely her surname is Knowles? Cunt.

  23. on 29 Jul 2011 at 12:51 pm   Dirty McSquirty

    I bumped into the foxhole croucher very late one night back in April at the Radisson hotel in Glasgow. I was getting some drinks in and had to stand next to him at the bar. He was well pissed.

    Grant: Where you been tonight?

    Me: Out for a Chinese meal

    Grant: Oh very nice – a Chinese. Don’t get too many of those where I have just been…..

    Me: …………….

    (after a long awkward pause)

    Grant: …….Afghanistan. (sarcastically) Yep don’t get too many nice middle class meals out there, that’s for sure.

    Me: ………………..

    Grant: Yeah, I’m filming a series on warrior spirit, that’s why I’m here

    Me:………………..

    Grant: with the SF. Know what SF means?

    Me: Nope

    Grant: Special Forces. Look it up

    Me: I can’t see that happening.

    He looked quite upset. All the time he was talking, the only thing I could think of was “don’t act fucking hard, you’ve been beaten up by a girl”.
    Not sure why he was filming in Galsgow. Probably doing a 2 hour special on airport baggage handlers.

  24. on 29 Jul 2011 at 1:02 pm   Dirty McSquirty

    and Rebekah Brooks can suck my big black cock.

    I think an Afro cock wig would suit you nicely Lurk

  25. on 29 Jul 2011 at 1:16 pm   Have Your Lurk

    Hold on a fucking minute. According to Wikipedia, Grant Mitchell is a fictional character. So, Dirty McSquirty, j’accuse!

  26. on 29 Jul 2011 at 3:24 pm   Mad Dog

    Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
    Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak, unless lo, I have been yonder given a Marmite Toothbrush by one of my children. Verily.

    Amen

  27. on 29 Jul 2011 at 4:11 pm   Dirty McSquirty

    Dirty McSquirty, j’accuse!

    Ya got me Lurk. I have a pathological need to make up mundane stories and post them as truth on t’internet. I should have put his real life name of Russ Kamp and then you would have been none the wiser.

    Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit,

    Mad Dog – you missed out the line about applying the Dirty Sanchez of deviancy. And why copy from an American bible? You should copy from an Ingerlish (not British) bible.

  28. on 29 Jul 2011 at 7:43 pm   Celia

    It that the sole community who are coming out in support of Rebekah are the gay community.

    Someone missed out several words in their eagerness to praise Ms. Brooks there. And mistook the employees-and-former-employees-of-NI community for the gay community. There’s not, I don’t think, a great deal of overlap there.

  29. on 29 Jul 2011 at 9:23 pm   helen_s

    “The gay community has been coming out to support her? When did this happen?”

    Go to gayness.org.uk for full details. They’ve got a statement signed by every single gay person in Britain*, who all think she’s been given an awful hard time of it.
    *even Chris Bryant

  30. on 29 Jul 2011 at 10:54 pm   Dizzy

    @Dirty McSquirty

    Sorted that right out for you, mate.

  31. on 31 Jul 2011 at 9:18 pm   Ugeine

    I think you mean gayness.net, Helen. Gayness.org is the blog chronicling the LGBT community at Loch Ness.

  32. on 31 Jul 2011 at 9:59 pm   helen_s

    Oops, sorry. Of course they’ll probably have a similar statement at gayness.org, seeing as they obviously all support her.

  33. on 01 Aug 2011 at 7:39 am   Have Your Lurk

    I always thought Loch Ness was straight. Looks straight on the map, anyway.

  34. on 01 Aug 2011 at 11:54 am   Dirty McSquirty

    Loch Ness is so suspiciously straight that I have my doubts about it. But if you want an unequivocally gay loch then try
    here

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benderloch

  35. on 01 Aug 2011 at 11:57 am   Dirty McSquirty

    Loch Ness is so suspiciously straight that I have my doubts about it. But if you want an unequivocally gay loch, try
    here

  36. on 01 Aug 2011 at 11:59 am   Dirty McSquirty

    Cock wigs! Bastard html link fail…

  37. on 01 Aug 2011 at 5:04 pm   Ugeine

    Anybody ever been in a Samuel Smith pub? There’s a great one called the Angel in Leeds. Anyhow, in one of their pubs in Durham, a group of morris dancers got kicked out, because of they have a ‘no music’ policy, rather than for romanticising the bored folk traditions of a bunch of bumpkins that lived in field roughly 12,000,000 years ago.

    you guys are having your traditions removed daily by this crazy political correctness eh? such a shame traditions like morris dancing are removed in case foreigners are offended! I’d say you should refuse to leave the pub, it’s a public place, so you can do what you like in it!

    - hank, USA, 1/8/2011 15:00

    See how there doesn’t even have to be a remotely tenuous link before they get all ‘pc gone mad!’ these days?

    I’ve heard it’s now illegal to drive faster then 30 miles an hour in residential areas because it offends Muslims.

    Oy! I come from West Yorkshire (before I moved down here), but I find nowt wrong with Morris Dancers (apart from when I’m to late to see them in the local town). Funny how most pubs are crying out for custom then you get an idiot like this throwing them out. I hope she’s sacked for being stupid. – Pete, Lincs, 1/8/2011 15:50

    Why stop there? These poor victims had to go for literally minutes without alcohol. Been refused entry to a drinking etablishment is a crime so horrific and unique (and definitely doesn’t happen to thousands of people across the UK every Saturday), I hope this woman is sacked, and then re-hired and sacked again, and then repeatedly punched in the kidneys.

    Yes, after that damned Norwegian managed to find yet ANOTHER way for liberals to demonise rightful thinking patriots, a story like this really gets them all on the same page again.

    Problem is, it doesn’t have everthing. What happens if you can’t find any references to the people you hate? Well, an insignificant detail such as what the story is actually about shouldn’t get in the way of your humourless bile:

    Give that Barmaid a Job at the council as a trainee jobsworth. What total and utter stupidity from the bar staff

    - Mark, Bangkok, 1/8/2011 16:03

    Can’t they say it is part of their religion? It works for some!!

    - kerry livermore, London, England

    …I have been forced to go on many of these nonsensical courses, in the past ten years, to have multiculturalism and political correctness rammed down my throat – now it is time for a reversal, a celebration of all things English. Three cheers for the English nation and English culture. Count the times I have mentioned English in this post.

    - A. Thompson, Belfast Northern Ireland,

  38. on 01 Aug 2011 at 8:00 pm   Have Your Lurk

    Three times hath he mentioned English in this post, yet I tell thee, verily he shall deny England three times before my big black PC cock is rammed down his throat. With an Afro wig.

    Nice one, Ugeine.

  39. on 02 Aug 2011 at 1:03 am   PC Cock

    Nah then, nah then…just get yerself off home before the sergeant comes along.

    And take that bloody wig off..

  40. on 02 Aug 2011 at 12:00 pm   Doctor F.

    “Besides which, remember this girl was already dead ok? Tragic but true.”

    What part of perverting the course of justice do you not understand?

  41. on 02 Aug 2011 at 1:43 pm   Unexecptional Female

    @Ugeine – which pub in Durham? That’s where I’m from and in my experience they’re lucky they weren’t beaten to death by the same badgers bilious ballbags hailing them as saviours of Ingerlish (not British) culture. Not known for their tolerance of anything different, the folk of Durham!

  42. on 02 Aug 2011 at 1:45 pm   Unexceptional Female

    Balls – spelling fail in my own name, I shall don my morris dancing garb and head to Durham for a much deserved beating by the locals. Mine’s the coat with the bells and ribbons on

  43. on 02 Aug 2011 at 4:53 pm   Have Your Lurk

    Doctor F., I think she only really understands the word ‘pervert’.