Plain Weird and Unfocused Rage16 Aug 2011 08:40 am
By Dizzy

Thanks to Ros, who found Asquith going on about… well, I don’t know. But apparently it’s riot related.

If the army is sent in, that in itself will be a national humiliation.

Its important to remember that women (the Base Unit) are programmed to measure men by social status (Alpha, Beta, Omega), which means that men, who are little more than USB Flash Drives that are plugged into women, have no reason or purpose to live without their “functionality.”

Human Beings basically do Three Things:

1. Create
2. Fuck
3. Destroy

If a man cannot do 1 or 2, then many will turn to 3.

Don’t forget the lack of male teachers, too.Only role models for boys are thick footballers and idiot rappers.
Asquith

Oooh, I don’t know mate. I’m sure you could be a decent male role model. After all, what society really needs right now is men who can turn everything into a diatribe about their inability to form or maintain relationships with the opposite sex, taking their own failures and extrapolating them into the root cause of big, complicated issues because it’s just common sense.

Not that I’m comfortable with these dangerous assumptions, you understand. But if the cap fits – and preferably has a slogan on it about how everything is the fault of women – then, well, you should probably wear it. And then march in the street holding a big placard that says something like, “UNDERVALUED BECAUSE I HAVE A PENIS” or “I AM NOT JUST A PENIS, BASE UNIT”.

You could even riot. I note that the vast majority of the rioters consisted of socially retarded single males who got sick of watching too much internet porn and making shit up, the closest they got to fucking and creating. Well, actually, I just assumed it because of the blinding glare off the surface of the pasty-white crowd when they got close to the bits of society that were burning to the ground.

Please don’t blame me for this, ladies. It’s not really my fault, this tendency to assume things. The missus unplugged me without clicking the ‘safely remove hardware’ button first.

20 Responses to “Universal Serial Bell-end”

  1. on 16 Aug 2011 at 8:52 am SuperTim

    Notwithstanding the fact that there were a lot of “base units” looting such fine establishments as Poundland and Primark. Shouldn’t they be busy measuring males by their status (alpha, beta and the ultimately getting knocked up by the ratty omega male who then kills their hamster).

    Still, at least I am able to do 1 and 2 the list of only three possible things a human can do. After all that 1-ing and 2-ing I am literally too tired to three anything at all.

  2. on 16 Aug 2011 at 9:57 am Sorry, mummy

    In the midst of all the insanity there is truth. Or maybe I’m just going Mail? The guy seems to have soaked up some of the recent theories about the purpose of gender but I don’t think he really quite understands them. Well, he is an idiot, of course, but still doing quite well in the non-sequitur championship.

    Unfortunately, I think his observations in the last paragraph are right: boys, particularly in lower socioeconomic groups do seem to struggle in schools where they are not allowed to live out their natural competitive aggression which is where the dicking about to get status comes from, apparently. I’ve even read something about female teachers tending to favour girls and the lack of constructive role models is also well understood. Not that any of these facts, if indeed they are, tell us much.

    Oh fuck it! Time to make myself a STOP THE GUSH – SOFT COCK PORN t-shirt before I take a hammer to the guy at the bus stop who keeps looking at me in a funny way.

  3. on 16 Aug 2011 at 11:12 am Vaper

    I have to say that I haven’t been feeling any urges to 3 recently. And that’s despite the fact that I’m not a very 1′ive person and I certainly havent been getting much 2 lately. Perhaps there is an unknown 4 that social scientists (such as Asquith) are yet to discover which is being fulfilled for me without me realising it?

  4. on 16 Aug 2011 at 11:22 am Mal

    4 is obviously ‘posting shit on the internet.’

  5. on 16 Aug 2011 at 1:06 pm Andy

    @Mal – I’d've thought that would’ve come under #1….

    Nah. Who am I kidding?

  6. on 16 Aug 2011 at 2:16 pm Dirty McSquirty

    Asquith, you soft old romantic, you.

    Brings back fond memories of the first time I connected with a Base Unit and blew my data right up it’s port. Happy days indeed.

    You’ve made an old USB stick very happy. God bless you son.

  7. on 16 Aug 2011 at 2:23 pm SuperTim

    “Brings back fond memories of the first time I connected with a Base Unit and blew my data right up it’s port. Happy days indeed.”

    Was that the quick access front port, or the tricky-to-reach rear port? My base unit has been in use for so long that my only connection appears to be a remote one now :(

  8. on 16 Aug 2011 at 2:47 pm Smiffy

    As Charlie Brooker said – If you need a role model, you’re a dick.

  9. on 16 Aug 2011 at 3:35 pm Have Your Lurk

    Only role models for boys are thick footballers and idiot rappers. Sorry, role models for girls, you aren’t thick footballers or idiot rappers. By definition.

  10. on 16 Aug 2011 at 4:29 pm Johnny Paedo

    I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS

    I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS I HAVE A SMALL PENIS

  11. on 16 Aug 2011 at 7:10 pm Sheepless

    I suspect Asquith has got one of those really tiny USB connectors.

  12. on 17 Aug 2011 at 10:47 am Ugly Newt

    The guy seems to have soaked up some of the recent
    theories about the purpose of gender but I don’t think he really quite
    understands them.

    Translating from his computer metaphors back to social sciences jargon, he’s grasped that people can be socialized or conditioned to rate certain behaviours above others – especially traditionally “manly” actions like thinking with your genitals or blowing shit up.

    His view of women as the default human, and men as accessories that are only there for sex, is a refreshing reversal of the common narrative – but his talk of men suffering by going without their “functionality” is a return to a more problematic and widely-held worldview: That women control an unlimited supply of sex, and can gain power from men by offering or denying it. It’s not a huge step from that to believing that women somehow run the world despite most of the positions of power being occupied by men.

    In short, he may try to think outside the box, but he’s still a spunkstick.

  13. on 17 Aug 2011 at 10:59 am Johnny Paedo

    My cat’s breath smells of catfood.

  14. on 18 Aug 2011 at 1:06 am Celia

    So, by his logic, if men cannot get a shag then they will need to create something to stop them going on a rampage of destruction. Obviously, the solution is knitting. Knitting will save Britain with the power of creative endeavour and everyone will have a scarf this winter.

  15. on 18 Aug 2011 at 8:29 am Has anyone seen my watch?

    For 2′s sake! Asquith is a fine example of a total 2ing 2er.

    And THAT’S 2ing swearing! Where do 2ers like him actually 2ing COME from?

    See what I did there? I really should stick my head into this large pan of chip oil. I promise I will, guyth, just as soon as it’s up to temperature…

  16. on 18 Aug 2011 at 4:54 pm Puppy Sandwich

    Wait….”Alpha, beta and omega”….?

    Is he talking about Jesus?

  17. on 19 Aug 2011 at 12:59 am Turd-Tester

    Don’t forget the lack of male teachers, too.Only role models for boys are thick footballers and idiot rappers.

    When I was younger I thought most middle-aged men were massive shit-for-brains twats, and thus turned to petty acts of vandalism for entertainment. I had no role models. All this talk of role models have made me fear for our youth. No longer will they can they play chicken with a car, make prank phone calls, develop an array of weaponry to fire vegetables over long distances, swim in polluted streams, vandalise public property, cause unnecessary, but hilarious disturbances, throw things at buses and generally discover the immense joy that comes with irritating people like Asquith. What has happened to this country? Multicultural ZanuLiebor, that’s what.

  18. on 22 Aug 2011 at 11:43 am HYS vs CiF

    He’s probably talking Star Trek. Everyone knows that the Omega Particle is extremely dangerous and unstable.

  19. on 23 Aug 2011 at 1:17 am Matt Adàmski

    As the famous Russian anarchist Bakunin said, “The urge to 3. is also a 1. urge.”

  20. on 23 Aug 2011 at 1:42 am Ed aka KILL ALL THE FAKE EDS

    That guy was a 2er.

    ps Solitary sister, isn’t there a part of you that wants to live?