spEak You're bRanes

Talkin’ ’bout washroom facilities.

I don’t find it acceptable to refer to the toilet as “washroom facilities” in a British newspaper.
wobinidan

My word, no. “Washroom facilities”? In a British newspaper? How dare you bring your crass Americanisms over here to our fair sceptred isle! This green and pleasant land, this land of hope and glory, of the Dunkirk spirit, Drake’s children, lion-hearted paragons of morality and truth, whenceforth did come the spirit – nay, freedom! – of the evacuation of one’s bowels and the damn near perfect British right to refer to the entire bathroom simply by referring to one of the features in said room! The toilet – the place where you go, curiously enough, not only to take a dump, but also the place you’ll go to wash your hands and have a quick Uncle Doug over the good old British page three stunnas in The Fucking Sun, For Fuck’s Sake. And allow any truly British person to be aghast, astounded and indignant should anyone try and not call it the toilet! For the way of the toilet – that is our British way!

I am aghast and astounded and highly indignant! Aghast, astounded, indignant and thoroughly ashamed that I managed to read that entire article and wasn’t nearly enough of an anally retentive, narrow-viewed, pedantically minded, jingoistic prick to notice that someone referred to the toilet as washroom facilities. Or, would you believe, not possessed of a brain so utterly dulled by a diet of Micro Chips, EastEnders and Simon Cowell brand orange pop that I decide to engage in an argument over the proper British terminology. Is is the toilet, or do we call it the lavatory? It’s so confusing! What’s the etiquette?

Clearly, I’m not British enough for our newspapers if I’m going to let such a gross slur on our national identity get by without remonstration, or even allow the remonstration to go without remonstration. As for the remonstration of the remonstration of the remonstration – well, I’m simply not man enough to go for the requisite eight weeks of continuous Typhoo enemas and intravenous Mr Kipling to get to that level of Britishness. And when you can’t imagine taking eight almond slices in the femoral artery, you know it’s time to move somewhere foreign and try to start again there.

There was a law voted in in Italy in 1988 initiated by the Communists guaranteeing free and unrestricted access to all the bogs in bars in Rome.

The result: all the bogs in bars in Rome suddenly had “Out Of Order” notices on them; the keys kept behind the bar for ‘valued customers.’

The moral of this story? Marxism cannot be introduced through social democracy.

( And the Italians are wily sods )
Gordonbnt

No, I think the moral of the story is that no matter how mundane and ordinary the discussion, there’s always going to be some cunt hanging around capable of reducing even the slowest and most banal of conversations to a geological pace with a demonstrative life story that makes all good and decent people want to kill their own children to save them growing up in the same world as that person. And the ancillary moral is that no matter where you go to escape there’ll always be someone ready to tell you why communism failed and why you’re stupid for not thinking of it

If anyone needs me, I’ll be outside standing in the rain, scrubbing myself vigorously with a toilet brush and singing Land of Hope and Glory until my skin bleeds steak and kidney pudding and I end up the right shade of pasty-white bovine spongiform British to actually be able to participate in the discussion. Cheerio.

Thanks to Erik.

Who would have thought that a Britney Spears concert would be shit? Well, the Telegraph obviously took time out to review it, as befits its status as a major piece of cultural history and a turning point in 21st century musical…

…no, who am I kidding. I can’t even be ironic about it. It’s all just shit. Not everyone thinks so, though.

You can tell a man wrote this!!

Britney has done an amazing job with her comeback, there’s not many people out there that could’ve done the same!

Lets be fair….. anyone with human emotions would look a little ‘unsure’ of themselves when on stage in front of thousands of people if they were bullied and hounded by the media like Brit is!!

And the reason Rhianna’s gig sold so many……well, personally I think that white people are becoming a minority in this country…..enough said!!!
Jessica Hulme

Yes, it’s the gender of the author that really distinguishes taste. After all, if this had been written by someone with a vagina, you could put your house on a very favourable review. Britney’s struggles with being an alcoholic, dope fiend, terrible parent and remote controlled pop wank are very much something all females can relate to, especially if said females are utter cretins that buy the fucking magazines that pay the photographers and journalists to bully and hound her. But I bet you’re not one of them, are you, Jess?

And enough said about the reasons Rhianna sold so many tickets – it’s all those black people taking over the Great White Britain, stupid! I know Jess didn’t say it as such, but her clumsy attempt at disguising her inherent bitter racism raises interesting philosophical questions. For instance, can you be white and like Rihanna? If the races mustn’t mix, where do we stand on Ricky Martin? Are the chances that you’re a groundlessly snobby piece of racist white trash wallowing in some suburban hole significantly higher if you admire Britney Spears? If a rancid fartbubble with an attitude problem and a false sense of smug superiority mutters racist comments behind the backs of their co-workers and there’s no-one around to hear it, does HR make a sound?

Oh, Jess. I feel like I know you. In the sense that I’ve known many people who make trashy, snide comments behind people’s backs and who feel the internet is some kind of safe refuge, some magical land where they can use their Twitter account to comment on Telegraph articles, without realising that their real name appears on it and they can’t delete it.

erm, I went to the Rihanna gig at the 02. Was mostly white. I’m confused about what you’re implying?
Diva Devotee

She’s implying she’s a massive racist. Or am I inferring that? No, I don’t think it’s an inference when someone’s just done the internet equivalent of nudging you in the ribs ten times with an elbow and an exaggerated wink. Also, I don’t think you’re confused – I think you’re being polite. Just call a spade a spade. Jess does.

I don’t know why but I have a strange relationship with Britney. There is a sweetness and vulnerability that will always make me root for her like I do no one else. I would probably even go and watch her if she decided to come out on a wheel chair and mime to her hits.

The problem I have is that many of the decisions in her life- including being on tour- don’t seem to be her choice. I was horrified to read that she doesn’t even have control over her own money, due to her mental state, but they seem to think it’s okay to trot her out on tour.

All is obviously not well in camp Britney and I actually feel guilty parting with money that may lead to the prolongation of this painful puppet show. However, Britney could make not spending money on her a whole lot easier for me if she stopped releasing albums that are just so damn addictive (ie. everything after, and including the Blackout album) .

Get well soon Brit. I’m rooting for you!
Diva Devotee

Yes, if only she wouldn’t carry on releasing those albums and doing those shows you’ve just said she’s being forced to do. Then you wouldn’t have to go and see them. Not that you have the power of independent choice or anything. No, it’s okay. You just keep knowingly contributing to the downfall of someone you consider sweet and vulnerable, and give us a frank admission that you’d continue to do so way beyond the point of farce. It’s not like it’s a complete tragedy and an indictment on the way we elevate and destroy celebrity status with some kind of bizarre, insect-like mass behaviour. Not when you get to dance around the front room to her CD for 20 minutes on the weekend.

On second thought, I think Jess did confuse you, didn’t she?

Thanks to Nik. Thank you, Nik, for the aneurysm.

Why is it that my ears prick up when I hear a story about the possible extinction of the human race?

It would have landed but word has got around the Universe about speed cameras, parking charges, clampers and road tax. However the little critters that live on it were quite happy about the ability to enter the U.K. without the correct papers !!!
Christopher P

Ah. Yes, that’ll be why. It’ll be because it’s stacked with helmet cheesers of absolutely epic proportions who, astoundingly, would probably go to some lengths to argue exactly how they’re actually quite correct, erudite and amusingly astute, when the reality is that they’re actually just helmet cheesers of even bigger proportions than previously thought. And worse still, not only are they all keen to hand over their shitty, barely thought out opinions, but someone, somewhere, decided that it should all be interactive and we should all have the option of hearing them. Well done, someone, somewhere. You complete cunt.

Slowly, The old man managed to free his trapped leg, He was in what appeared to be a small cave, dust was gently landing on his sore head, a crack of light hit his right eye like a white lazer, he managed to crawl towards the beconing light, Silence was all around, Stifiling was the air, Bruied and battered he approached the #$%$ of light, As his eyes adjusted to the incoming light, It was with a Painful reality he saw utter Desolation, chaos, Destruction,… all was gone, all he had known, gone, What was that noise behind him? another Survivor?…Twisting his body around he Crawled towards the sound,…Whats that, a Face? Yes, I can see a Man’s face, With all his might he moved ever closer to the man at last, at Last Dust ever flowed down onto the old man, not now, surely he won’t die here in this hole,… Closer,…Closer he moved on his elbows toward the man. the man, was a Mirror……I Thank you x
Justice

Oh, fuck off.

I’m going to go out on a limb here: there is no reason for the people commenting on this article to exist. At all. Not just the comments – the actual people. I’m absolutely serious. No sarcasm, irony, no belittling someone’s level of education or the rabid nonsense pouring out of their feebly constructed ego – just to say that if there ever was an acute example of the pointlessness of human existence, it can be found right on that Yahoo webpage. Really, for once in my life I’m not trying to be funny. I’m just Having My Say. Look at these cunts:

Shame it cant be guided towards the middle east
Englishguy1

Well at least let a few bits of that asteroid hit Pakistan — Any Middle-eastern countries
Richardo Stallmanu

Come on asteroid, give us ya best shot! C’mon, right in the mush,…. right there! *points to cheek*,…. Ha! Can’t do it can ya?!! I’ll be long dead when, (if), you do hit in the future. Pity really as I’d quite like to see it happen. Hope it lands right in the middle of the middle east. Do us all a favour.
Chris

Yes. Do us all a favour. There’s three comments, all saying exactly the same nonsensical, ridiculous thing, intended to be funny but which, in reality, just leaves a taste in your mouth like a cat piss hangover. And on each of these insanely bigoted, poorly thought out, grammatically incorrect and badly spelled comments, there’s at least two other people in the world who agreed with the content of the post – at least in principle.

294 people agreed with the following comment, with some people even taking the time out to reply to tell Fred how fucking funny he was:

good job it is moving so fast or our goverment would have put a tax on it
Fred

Yes, Fred. That’s literally hilarious. That’s exactly the kind of joke that gets them rolling about on the floor when they’re watching My Family, misusing words like ‘literally’ and ‘hilarious’. Because the government taxes everything, including trees, rivers, individual blades of grass, dark matter, squirrels, thinking, pubes and especially bits of rock, free floating or otherwise attached to planetary bodies. But not books, children’s clothes or non-luxury food items.

Meanwhile, further down that thread – and for the sake of my own health, that’s the last time I ever go to Yahoo in any form, ever again, probably – there’s people who are arguing the toss with these people. On Yahoo. With these people. On Yahoo.

That’s right. On Yahoo. And now, I charge, these people are guilty of the worst crime of all – enabling. And it is they who shall be first against the wall when I go round to their houses and line them up against a wall. Because, and here’s the final conclusion to the first intentionally unfunny post I’ve ever made here: they encourage them. And you should never encourage insane people in their delusions. Not unless they’ve got a gun against your head.

Don’t reply. Don’t get into the arguments. I know it’s ultimately very tempting to take someone to account on their bare-naked stupidity, lack of reason, outright bigotry or any other negative human quality that people seem to think that the internet was created to let out – but don’t. Just say no. Because you look worse than they do, and you’ll waste your time. Send them to us instead. Or me, seeing as everyone else has died or got real jobs or something. At least until the domain expires because Nelson doesn’t give a shit (and why should he?) I’ll be here… because if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s making people sound like cunts. Especially myself.