spEak You're bRanes

Blah blah riots.

Thanks to Charlie.

just inmagin if we go through a national crisis like japan or food shortages or some pandemic just like nostradamus predicted humans will eat humans if anyone disagree just look at the above footage again we are becoming animals and animals becoming more civilised cant even think what it would be like if the goverment collapsed.
monjur

Right. You watch some twats mugging a kid with a bloody face, it doesn’t take a huge leap of the imagination to see them sat naked on their haunches, cocks swinging like little aubergines, chewing greedily on that same kid’s upper arms and thighs. And oh-ho, what’s this? One of them is happily lapping up his brain, holding the head like a punch bowl. See the look on the face there: a disgusting cocktail of agony, disbelief and horror, a frozen moment, like the kind of sick fuck Halloween mask you might find hanging in a weird, UV-lit, back-street novelty shop in Blackpool.

This is what happens when you take your eye, even momentarily, off the lower orders. As Nostradamus predicted: “The hooded ghost shall shatter the invisible wall / His bounty now within his grasp / Cities shall crumble and nations collapse / At his feet, clad in boxfresh Filas.”

Only the government can prevent this nightmare from becoming reality. With shrieking, reactionary politics and the kind of iron-fisted authoritarianism Michael Howard might’ve drawn the line at, they can force the revolting peasants back down where they belong, if not further. But they can’t do it without your help.

If you donate just £5 a month, we can supply the government with water cannon, baton rounds and funds for entertaining senior representatives of the tabloid press.

Together, we can deny them a future. Together, we can drain them of hope. Together, we can gang-fuck the poor.

Some of us have opinions about things like browsers. Some of us use Internet Explorer. All of us are spunking our lives away.

The interpipes briefly played host to a bit of a bukkake party last week, after reports emerged of a survey which supposedly found that the average IE user is blessed with a lower IQ than those who use Firefox, Chrome or Opera to look at tits and videos of cats in boxes.

But now we must clean up, put our trousers back on, mutter some half-hearted goodbyes and shuffle away back to our families with our eyes fixed firmly on the floor, because it turns out the whole thing was a hoax.

Look on the bright side, though – Ian’s found this wanker lingering in the basement, still trying to get hard.

I mean look, IE is the default browser on nearly all computers sold, so of course more people will use it. The higher computer literate people might switch, and are more likely to, than the average user, im afraid to say mainly women, in my experience, who just use “The internet” and hope it works. I am not saying women have lower IQ, i am not sure what the test was about exactly, but it does seem likely that the people using IE, are because they have no idea there are other browsers, or just use a computer to do internet things and nothing fancy or power user(y)
jamieostrich

You know, “The internet”. It’s the stripped-down version of the internet that comes bundled with overpriced, low-spec computers in PC World, which are sold – I’m afraid to say, though I’m going to say it anyhow, without any justification whatsoever – mainly to women.

“The internet” was developed in 2009 by Magnup Hamilto of California. While working for a popular high street ISP, Hamilto noticed that his company’s broadbands were frequently being clogged up by casual users doing frivolous things like communicating with other human beings and online banking and what have you. His answer? “The internet”, designed to draw fucken n00b5 and chicks away from the internet, freeing it up for proper users who need hella raw digital power to do hardcore high-tech shit.

Real computer guys don’t just use “The internet” and hope it works. They use the internet and hope it doesn’t work. Because real users love nothing more than wasting whole evenings configuring software just so it’ll do the job it was fucking designed to do.
Magnup Hamilto

Hamilto is now developing Internet Pro, which is a lot like the internet, except you need a £500 license to use it, plus it has a save function or something. Internet Pro will be available to super power elite users in spring 2012. Why not order your copy now?

Good news. There’s still a 60% chance you won’t get cancer. Thanks to Charlie.

More people get cancer because their parents survive cancer due to advanced medicine. So the cancer causing genes are being passed on more than ever. And the medicine/care for these cancer patients is escalating costs massively. We are hindering the Darwin Principle. If we stop cancer victims having offspring or ensure the offspring don’t have the cancer genes, this would be better for our future!
Neo

Well, I applaud Neo’s courageous stance. We’re so pathetically sentimental about the sanctity of human life that this sort of brutal rationalism feels like a breath of fresh air. I mean, we human beings are just creatures like any other, aren’t we? Mere mammals. Just one of a whole bunch of organisms pissing and shitting all over the place. Nothing special.

Except, in a way, we’re actually much worse than all the other animals. Because they have no choice but to keep it raw, whereas we have our highly developed intelligence, and thousands of years of civilisation, culture and ethics. We really have no excuse for leaving turds like Neo bobbing about on the surface of the gene pool.

In fact, it’s only thanks to our wishy-washy insistence on attaching equal value to all human life that such a wonky, broken mistake – someone so dangerously antisocial that he uses his own good health as a cosh with which to beat the sick – should be allowed to limp across the landscape of our species’ development without angry crowds of pitchfork-toting yokels following in his zigzagging wake. There’s an irony in this so beautiful that it gives me pleasure. Real, pure, untainted joy. Yes, I’m actually a happier man for Neo’s existence. And that is why I’ll always be better than him.

Now, which of you fuckheads let him out of the lab?

Ooh, you lucky pups. We have a pathetic two-man cunt parade for you today. I can’t even tell whether or not they’re taking the piss anymore. Thanks go, respectively, to dom Kaos and Tara.

Drinks firm Diageo funds pregnancy health initiative! No, it’s not a nightmare Paul Verhoeven once had, it’s a BBC News item. Click it and see.

I’ve got a much better idea. Let’s random test pregnant women like we do athletes. Anyone found to have forbidden substances in their urine would be tortured, then have their foetus / unborn child terminated. Sound ridiculous?….not as ridiculous as the Nanny State telling us something we already know…..and by the way, my solution would stop unfit parents having children.
Al

I’ve got an even betterer idea: Al; the entire pro-life lobby; big hole in the ground; maybe some huge, hungry rats for good measure; FIGHT.

Could the Mail possibly lurch any further into self-parodic cuntiness? I didn’t think so, but then I saw the words “Cameron pledges ANOTHER £814m towards vaccinating the world’s poorest children (on top of £2bn we are already going to donate)” spattered like a bitter old man’s thick, lumpy semen over the top of one of their articles.

Clearly seeing this as some kind of challenge, one reader was moved to write the following…

A mass sterilisation programme is what is needed in these places, never mind poring money into them. I am sick and tired of seeing TV reports of people unable to provide for themselves, living in poverty in squalor but manage to reproduce without an ounce of responsibility.
Reg

Should you ever need to make a case for pure, nihilistic despair, you could do worse than point to Reg. Can there really be sense and meaning in a universe that allows a man like him to not only exist, but thrive in a corner of the world in which the basic challenges of survival are so readily met, so far from his withered, acetic caper of a mind that he has the time, energy and resources to spare for looking disdainfully at images of starving brown people he doesn’t want to see, and go on the internet and fucking witter about it?

In a world of order and harmony, Reg would not even be human. He’d be a miraculous, indestructible corn crop and a cold, fresh, clean spring in the most arid part of Sudan.

Super-injunctions blah blah Imogen Thomas blah blah we’re not even sure who we’re disapproving of, to be honest blah blah oh well, here are some pictures of her arse anyway…

Thanks to Kathryn.

Surely if the ‘footballer’ thinks he was being blackmailed he should go to the police, surely if the judge thinks a crime may have been committed he should report it to the police. The judge thinks the footballer doesn’t think he was blackmailed, on what evidence does the judge think the footballer was being blackmailed or does he just think it.
kelly

Surely if ‘kelly’ thought this comment was of any use to anyone he or she should’ve gone away for a few minutes and then come back and tried reading it out loud before deleting all the words closing the browser shutting down the computer and throwing the whole fucking lot in a skip, surely if the reader thinks the comment is of any use to anyone he or she should sober up. This reader thinks kelly didn’t think at all between deciding to comment and hitting the post button, on what evidence does kelly think this wonky, half-formed skeleton of an opinion contributes anything even to what passes for debate at Mail Online or does he or she just think the internet is a big toilet built solely to receive whatever shit passes through his or her dysfunctional cognitive system at any given moment.

Careful, women. This is what can happen if you go out and enjoy yourselves.

And if that’s not enough harrumphing for you, Tara’s dug up this fucker…

These days I always avoid drunken women. Drunken men are bad enough, but drunken women are an absolute nightmare. They’re not only irrational and violent like men; but spiteful and provocative in a uniquely female way. They’re also completely uninhibited sexually, whilst staggering about with more anatomy exposed than covered. They will fawn-over and aggressively flirt with anything in trousers, committing indecent assault almost as a matter of course in the name of `fun’. And if you decline their Amazon overtures, they will either explode into a paroxysm of rage and attack you themselves, incite their boyfriends or husbands to attack on their behalf, or claim that you assaulted them and attempted/committed rape. An obsession with rights has left them with a perverted sense of absolute and self-righteous liberty. Above all things; it is drunken women who have made inner-cities into Saturday night no-go areas for the sober and the sane.
Little Ted

Little Ted, gentleman sex offender, govt_helper with a better editor. He avoids drunken women like the plague. He avoids them by walking straight towards them and dispersing them with his powerful, natural repulsiveness.

If that doesn’t work, he avoids them by getting their partners to beat him up. Then failing that, he avoids them by encouraging them to press charges.

He doesn’t want to do any of this, and he wouldn’t have to if they’d only learn to behave and let go of their silly ideas about ‘rights’ and ‘living their lives the way they see fit’ and ‘expressing their sexuality’ and ‘wearing what they feel like wearing’, because apparently it’s not enough to just stick your cock into her fanny anymore, oh no, now you’re supposed to know what you’re doing with it as well, you’re expected to ‘pleasure’ and ‘satisfy’ her, and woe betide if you don’t, I mean what happened to the good old days when women didn’t really like sex and just pretended to in order to get pregnant and stop you going out and paying for it, and they stood by their man, however revolting he was, not finding attractive men attractive, because they were after more than that, or so they said, but it turns out they aren’t are they, they do want it after all, but then they pretend they don’t want it, and I’m sorry but they’re going to have to make their minds up, do they want it or don’t they, they can’t have it both ways. They need teaching a lesson.

Plus, binge-drinking is detrimental to their health.

Iain found Paul lurking in the comments on this thing about the March 26 protests. You may be wrongfooted early on by what I’ll happily concede is a convincing impression of a reasonable human being. Beware.

I went on the big march, yet I experienced no violence of any kind, although my friend Tony was really pleased to turn up back at the flat with a policeman’s helmet (no, the head wasn’t inside it). That was Grosvenor Square, the famous ‘riot’ of 1968. The media tropes haven’t changed since then, have they? It’s always “Peaceful march ruined by mindless thugs”, followed by some new dollop of oppressive legislation to keep the Mail headline writers happy. Of course, no-one then remembers what the protest was about. One wonders, how many of those masked men kicking at windows were the famous undercover police, or fifth columnists as they used to be known. You can’t tell when they’re masked. It’s really quite alarming, what you’re not allowed to do, say or even think nowadays, how oppressive the authoritarian state has become. While radioactive iodine rains down on Glasgow, a present from @#$%ushima, even George Monbiot now thinks nuclear power is a jolly good idea. But we’re not going to have a say in the matter, are we? – we’re all well-boiled little frogs now.
paul.ingrams

But thanks to his tinfoil hat, Paul has been thinking all kinds of shit, and no motherfucker has kicked his door in and taken him away to any of them government Psi-control Centres yet. Not everyone has been so lucky, however…

“I knew something was very wrong the moment George Monbiot wandered through the back door one day, still wearing his pyjamas, with glassy eyes, flyaway hair and a wet chin.

“‘George?’ I said. ‘You look frightful, old boy. What’s the matter?’

“Staring blankly over my head into the middle distance, George spoke with a voice as flat as my kitchen table: ‘citizen. I have come to tell you about the miracle of nuclear power. Nuclear power is efficient, clean and 100% safe. Nuclear power. This message was brought to you by BNFL plc. Power to you, power to the government. Good day, fellow citizen, I have enjoyed our conversation.’ Then he simply faded into thin air. Gone.

“Well, I thought to myself, this is all very strange. So I decided to post something on the internet about it. But of course, I couldn’t get on the internet. Apparently, you need an internet connection to do that… Yes, convenient, isn’t it? So then I thought, I know! I’ll call the Times news desk, see if they’ll be interested in taking up the story. But I didn’t have a telephone, you see. Or a working line.

“Okay. Not a problem. I’ll ask to borrow a neighbour’s. I was outside before I remembered that I live alone on a tiny, windswept island in the middle of the Atlantic, with no boat or, indeed, any form of transportation.

“I can tell you that sinister forces were at work that day.”

Tinfoil Hat!
RRP £4.93

Most of us can just about deal with the fact that there are brown people in the world. Especially when so many of them are safely quarantined in oppressive regimes.

But what happens when they start clamouring for the right to self-govern? Can they be trusted with freedom? Are they ready for it? Or will they, in fact, use it to mount global jihad? I think we all know the answer to that question. jack certainly thinks he does.

He doesn’t, though, he’s a fucking moron. Thanks to Andrew for finding him.

Should we be concerned about Egypt, I am old enough to remember 1967, the Middle East War only ceased because the West bought off Egypt! An unstable or at worst an Iranian influenced Egypt will lead to one thing, WW111. WW11 was about the Jews and again WW111 will also be. Just look at Iraq when Sadam was dislodged – mayhem, the same will be the case in Egypt but magnified many times. Be careful what you wish for there are far worse things then the devil!
jack

At least, I hope he’s wrong. The world’s still reeling from WW110.

The Mail milks another corpse.

Thanks to Webby.

Your daughter is now with the Angels now, God bless. Personally, I think it is grotty accommodation they stayed in for their honeymoon.
Anon

Yes, but the young women behind the reception desk are sweet with huge, wary eyes.

“Wasn’t 2010 BRILLIANT!” shrieks Max Hastings, Middle England’s dusty mouthpiece – don’t forget to give it a wipe first! – more totem of bourgeois values than actual, live human being. For those of you wondering why, Hastings cites the following: Prince William got engaged to “a pretty girl”; about one third of England got a proper summer; Downton Abbey; and for the first time in years, we got, in David Cameron, “a proper national leader”, WOOF!

No need to bring up the months of rising public anger, or the cluster of natural disasters mainly affecting non-whites, or the fact that Hastings’ card was declined whilst he was trying to purchase his wife’s Christmas present, as it should be clear to all by now that stern old Uncle Max is greeting the new year in whimsical mood. Or at least, as close as he can get to such a thing. File under ‘Yawn’ and move on. Except, Kris has found this bloke, who seems to have had a whimsy bypass…

No, MAX! There is a great deal wrong with our country and, sadly, many people like you are acting like the proverbial camels. Here’s a list:- 1. Too many people not prepared to work, 2. Education far too left wing and cannot be described any longer as education, 3. Bilderbergers controlling the world governments, 4. Police forces out of control and responsible, complicit with many in the judiciary and the so-called Ombudsmen, of allowing appalling crimes against families to continue with children and houses stolen from individuals wrongly. 5. And , most seriously, a TREASON against our Bill of Rights and Magna Carta that has left us with no Monarch since 1972, and which the police forces up and down the country refuse to deal with thereby committing MISPRISION of TREASON themselves. This, MAX, is indeed a lawless land. Your foolish optimism (or worse?), my lad, is way off the mark.
Bring Back Law ‘N’ Order, What used to be a pleasant place

What must it be like to be absolutely wrong about everything? And not just wrong, as in ‘not right’, but so completely wide of the mark – like, 6,000 miles at 90 degrees to the mark – that people only ever look at you out the side of their heads, with panic in their eyes, while they’re slowly edging away, muttering about you to their friends. Their actual friends. People they want to spend their time with. Awful, I should think. No wonder BBL’N'O is so angry.