This is an outrage. Every time I come on here to politely suggest that someone be hanged or stoned to death, my post gets removed.

This is political discrimination ngone wrong. Not happy.
Terry (& June), Falling off a sunbed

Au contraire, Terry. They remove your posts because when you talk politely about stonings and being tanned, they assume you’re a muslim favouring sharia law. Which I think you’ll find is political discrimination ngone exactly the way you want it to. Try being more self-absorbed, angry and patronising. That way they’ll know you’re really an ineffectual white middle class Travis Bickle wannabe.

On the bright side, Barnardo Millionaire has discovered some promising evidence that it might just be the former:

As soon as the Times agree to the exciting proposition of paying me for my comments, I will start paying them for an online subscription.

Either the “exciting proposition” of paying works for all online content – their copyright newspaper material and my copyright commentary material – or we will have a tremendously unfair situation where businesses are allowed to exploit copyright but individuals are not.
hubert huzzah

But don’t you see, Hubert? The whole reason News International has to charge for access is to make enough money to pay for your valuable insight! Whereas a free site like us will just infringe your copyright, and call you a chozzler to boot.

This all sounds fine, as long as the females concerned take precautions, ie do allow their breasts to develop milk, not take a pill to stop the milk developing. Also the biggest cause of breast cancer is the males who are too aggresive when handling a female breast, squeezing too hard and also pulling on the tissue, all cause damage to the insides of the breast which does develop into cancer. Thye huge amount of toxins ingested by everybody every day in food encourages cancers and should be reduced, also excessive slimming does not help either. It is about time Cancer UK etc openly promoted prevention rather than spend all the money they raise solely on cures.
Douglas Grenfell

I have a few suggestions for ways Cancer UK etc can promote prevention:

The “Gentle Gauntlet” is a steel glove which the man wears during any contact with the bristol. Small actuators in the knuckle joints detect when the amount of pressure being applied to the boozoomier borders on the dangerous cancer-causing range (or the “death squeeze” as we nork researchers prefer to call it) and won’t allow the fingers to grasp the Daily Mail Gossip Columnist any tighter, thereby protecting the precious puppy’s nose.

The “Milkcebo” is a pill designed to mimic the many, many lactation prevention products on the market. Obviously in such a crowded marketplace the Milkcebo will need heavy promotion to compete with the many other milk suppression products which do exist. However the difference is, the Milkcebo actually doubles the amount of milk production in the pink trifle, producing enough for accredited funbag expert Douglas Grenfell to have a lovely dairy shower in.

Finally the “GP” is a service to which women can go for actual health advice based on evidential studies and up-to-date research, rather than relying on knocker-obsessed weirdoes who regurgitate tabloid cancer scares filtered through their own ignorant, top-bollock-focused lens.

But yes, I completely agree we need to kick things up a notch for the second series. So I’ve been working up some ideas for the new series with my writing partner Ed. Now, think about it: where would Morse be without his Lewis? Bodie without his Doyle? Tosh Lynes without his bottle of whisky in a brown paper bag? Taggart without his coffin? So I propose to give susman a crime-fighting partner all of his own. Let me show you a sample scene:

DAY. EXT. The courtyard of a large church.

Andy Kadir-Buxton: Yes! Using the Buxton Handclap Method! Now, I've filled my super soaker with lemonade. Bags I deal with the nuns!

Now, I know you haven’t greenlit the second series yet, but I think with such a powerful format reboot we could easily be looking at viewing figures on a par with Horne & Corden. I know four insomniacs in Swansea who are very excited at the prospect.

We should have hung them when they were ten. Killing children is wrong and should be punished by death.

Pritesh Hathalia, Leicester

Ideally the hangman should be eight years old so we can go after him next.

1 The Rapiscan is not an x-ray machine it uses “T” rays
2 No one scientifically or Medically qualified has done a study as to the effect of “T” rays on living human tissue.
3 Should I be refused permission to board my flight I will immediately strip totally naked in the security queue and show the staff and everyone that I am clean and have no impediments to boarding.
4) Having been seen naked and proved my innocence beyond doubt I will sue Manchester Airport and the British government for millions for denying me my absolute right to travel under admiralty law the highest law on the planet..

john marsh

Funnily enough I know John Marsh. I was behind him in the queue at Tesco the other day. Turns out, there’s been no study by anyone scientifically or Medically qualified on the effect of typing in your pin number to the little credit card machine. I won’t go into the details of what happened next, but suffice to say John is about to become a very rich man and it will be a while before I can bring myself to eat sausages again.

Saw an email joke recently, but it made sense. rather than scanning, have each individual traveler step into a giant bomb detonation device. If they don’t blow up, they can properly board. If they do blow up, hey, happy virgin time and we are safe

Richard king

Jesus, Richard, don’t tell us you got a joke that made sense and then keep it from us. You could have used the space where you had your exploding muslim fantasy wank to tell it.

And thanks to Louis for spotting this slightly disappointed pervert:

“but they also afford clear outlines of passengers’ genitals.” What genitals? Some women have breasts, big deal; the rest is on the inside. It’s like looking out the window: there’s nothing to see.

Phil E. Drifter

Phil, take a deep breath. Now look up and look for a green sign saying “EXIT.” Once you go through that door, you will no longer be in a modern art exhibit consisting of mannequins and empty window frames, and the world will make a lot more sense.

Thanks to Jo, who spotted these quotes at the time.

Good. It’s about time this Nazi behaviour induced by propaganda, lies, behavioural manipulation, poisoning and psychology…. was confronted head on and stopped now before this Government, and the one above it, lead the Lemmings over the Cliff… for a laugh! Wake Up! You are Programmed!

Rob O’Loughlin, Presteigne UK

And the only way to break that programming is to push innocent women onto live railway tracks. Damn that sinister illuminati for not wanting us to attempt murder on anyone who asks us to do things we don’t like. Don’t they know that Hitler lived by exactly the same principles?

I hope the two men never get caught, She is trying to help police society be enforcing fascist rules. The European Charter on Human Rights gives us the right to freedom of expression which smoke falls under. First the government deny us our rights with their tyrannical laws and now the people are trying to enforce them.

James Cochran, Bradford, England

It’s all about the Human Rights here. Infringe someone’s made-up right to smoke, and you’re subject to their equally made-up right to try and kill you. Similarly if an immigrant tries to deny you the freedom of expression to beat him with a stick, you can make up the right to beat him with a stick.

It’s like my grandma always said, “there’s a fine line between righteousness and self-righteousness.” Being a vigilante can lead to unpleasantness, so be sure you’re big enough to take the weight if you decide to go that way.

Azhid Madrors, California

Has anyone else seen the latest issue of Batman? It’s brilliant, first of all he uses his batarang to climb up to the 37th floor of an apartment building. Then he sneaks into the elevator shaft and waits until he hears someone flip open a zippo. Then he uses his bat-polite-voice to point out that the person’s in a shared lobby and there are no-smoking signs up. Of course, Batman was trained in tibetan martial arts so he can take that kind of risk. If you’re a woman you should probably just cower in a corner.

I can believe that people cannot see the effect that nonsensical rules and busybodies are having on the UK.
The argument started because of someone trying to enforce something that is clearly nonsensical and was allowed in this country for more than 178 years.

Farningham road station is not Oxford Circus, its in the middle of nowhere,
The risk to the railway system from someone smoking on an open platform in the middle of nowhere is zero. The platforms are made of non combustible materials and new trains manufactured to BS6853 are also impossible to burn with a cigarette.

If the smoking is offending someone they can move.

I am a non-smoker and I don´t condone what these guys have done, but there does need to be some defiance of the governments stupid rules by somebody.

Fred, Singapore

Bang on Fred. If you don’t like governments passing silly laws on what habits you can express in public, you can go somewhere nice and permissive like Singapore. Well I can’t because I work for Wrigley’s, but in principle, y’know?

There has NEVER been a good reason for ever having an Asian Network paid for by the TV licence payer.

An ‘Anglo Saxon’ radio station would never be tolerated, neither would a ‘White British’ channel be tolerated by the powers that be. And for goodness sake, even England doesn’t merit a radio channel of its own although Wales, Scotland and NI do! So why on earth the Asian community should be so specially treated is a mystery.

Or is it?

- Alan, Bewdley, Worcs

And you know, as a White British (not in Wales, Scotland or NI) myself I find his logic hard to escape. I can’t have a channel tailored to my interests – I mean, what kind of channel would show endless repeats of Top Gear and QI – so no-one should get a channel tailored to their interests. The BBC should identify the Average Licence Payer – Middle-Aged, About 5′ 7″, No Non-White Genes At All, Lives In Bewdley, Worcs – and make only television and radio for that person. But you can’t say that without a bunch of PC drones accusing you of being some kind of selfish white imperialist bastard.

Here’s a recent example. In brief, an Australian man has admitted to drunkenly inserting the line

DD Cup breasts, slim waist, tight twat

into the requirements of a job advertisement. He owned up to it and apologised, the ad was fixed and his boss decided to leave it at that, saying:

he got on the turps one night and it went from there. He fully understands what he has done and he’s very remorseful.

What a wonderful display of the Aussie sense of pragmatism. Wouldn’t you agree, intelligent IT professionals who like humour?

Sanity Prevails!
Good to see they saw the funny side.. And take the right attitude (nobody hurt, so it’s all good).. This, in the good ol’ days used to be called “Mischief.”. And mischief has always been seen as a great way to vent stresses and woes in a harmless way..

Yet here in the UK, this would probably have been enough to have the bloke locked away and on every database in sight, with a permanent Social Services tail to make sure he follows the party line.

Come back the days of sanity and mischief!

Juillen 1

He comes out of the traps well, straight into a nice patronising explanation of exactly what you just read in the story, but just as he’s getting into his stride whining about a situation that only exists in his head, he goes and balls it all up by ending short on a positive note. Can anyone take the ball and run with it?

Imagine if that happened in Britain
It’s nice to see this man’s boss didn’t take any action against him for posting that advert, or the Australian police didn’t arrest him, a government minister didn’t get involved, or random members of the public didn’t try to sue him for being sexist.

All of the above would no doubt take place if such a “mistake” was made in Britain.

Gary F

Gary F picks up the cross and involves both the government and the general public in a lovely little rhetorical shimmy, has a nice miserablist finish, but he just can’t put it away. Who’s in the box?

Brilliant!
no, not the planker who did it, the whole Aussie attitude!

“oops, sorry, I was pissed”. “OK, never mind, we understand”.

Compare that to what would happen here “oops sorry, I was pissed”. “Constable, add ‘using a computer while under the influence of drink or drugs’ to the charges of sexism, using offensive language in a pulic, erm, publication, and assaulting a police officer…” “But I haven’t assaul OWWWW!” “…and damaging a police table with his head. Sign this”. “What is OWWWWW!” “The sex offenders register”
Ian 54

AND HE’S DONE IT! An absolutely virtuoso display of misanthropy there from Ian 54. He’s on the end of Gary F’s lob, chesting it down with immediate disapproval of the “planker” in the story, and then dodges the defenders by showing a glimmer of appreciation for the Aussie attitude, but it’s all a feint! The approval’s only there so he can swivel on the eighteen-yard line and slam it home with a fever dream stitch-up straight from the depths of his imagination, with an assist from a decades-old episode of Not The Nine O’Clock News. What a dream goal’s come to him like a meteorite from a gift horse’s mouth. I mean, you literally could not make that up. Alan?

Coldest winter in a generation, eh? Bet all the global warmalists are feeling stupid now! Because it’s like, really cold, see, and they’re all saying the world’s getting warmer! But it’s not, because it’s cold! See how clever I am, noticing that a cold winter is the opposite of a warmer planet?

Some cunt, Swirling Around In The Shitting Bumwank

Now you could argue with these people – I mean, you could argue with a dachshund if you wanted to lose an equal amount of your precious life in a pointless, one-sided debate – but don’t. Just smile the smile of a man imagining his interlocutor smugly raising his finger to denounce Science from the middle of a fridge-sized ice cube. Maybe being used as a sledge by some Tongans.