spEak You're bRanes

I’m sorry, but I have to be the bearer of some ill tidings. They concern Doctor Who. If there are any kids in the room you might want to get them to hide behind the sofa.

For heaven’s sake…IT IS NOT REAL!!!!

Mark H, Luton, United Kingdom

That’s right, I’m afraid that Mark H has finally identified the main problem with Doctor Who: It’s not a documentary. Now I know that may come as a surprise but calm down, keep breathing and remind yourself: sometimes fiction is stranger than truth. Am I alone in suspecting that Mark H would be happier with Doctor Who if it was based on a true story, like The Da Vinci Code?

Other assorted whingers and moaners:

I do not believe this there are so many things happening around the world and the only topic of discussion the BBC can come up with is Dr Who , this beggars belief .

John Gittos, Leeds
Recommended by 70 people

So that’s 71 people who found this thread so pointless, so worthless, such a waste of their time that all they could think to do was comment in it or trawl it looking for a suitably miserable comment to recommend. Think how much improved the national mindset could be if they’d just used that time to have a wank instead.

Total Boredom – but then I haven’t watched it since Norman Hartnell was the Doctor, and the dinosaurs roamed free on the South Downs

[deanarabin], London, United Kingdom

Well why bother watching it when you can just wait for the Daily Mail to tell you whether there was something in it you can complain to OFCOM about?

The problem I have with these people is that they’re still managing to talk about Doctor Who even though they don’t like or watch it. Can’t we find someone in this thread who can be properly wide of the point? Preferably someone with sub-remedial spelling and grammar? Ah, thankyou Mare -

i think that we shood be worshipping a real life hero like Nick Griffin instade of a fictunal caractar like dr who.

he dont need yo regenerate vause hes perrfect already. go forward in time and youll see Nick will have reel power not make beleeve stuff.

True Britman

There you go. All Doctor Who needs is a wonky eye, a melted face and an affinity with the Daleks rather than Humanity, and True Britman will be delighted to barely understand the plot.

We’ve already showcased some of the more hysterical, racist and impractical suggestions for “improving” airport “security”, but what do the pants-pooing mentals think? Here’s our old chum Stephen Dawson to speak for them.

Paper-panties, cloth-gowns & slippers available TODAY in hospitals; removing ALL clothes [returned post-landing] with intimate body-search inevitable ‘price-worth-paying’

NO hand-luggage, duty-free should be allowed in the passenger-cabin; those willing to-die on-board should NOT be confused with the IRA…

Cargo-luggage should be treated as freight; collected & moved to ‘bonded-ware-house’ for examination weeks, if not months, before EVERY flight.

HomelandSecDB…; choice-of-one.
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom
RECOMMENDED BY: 4 people

Four people? FOUR PEOPLE? Four people, you are wasting your time on HYS if you can decode this into a statement that can be agreed or disagreed with. You need to be at GCHQ monitoring terrorist chatter. Four people, in a very real sense, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab made it onto that plane because of YOU.

(Also, every plane to have designated “grumble seats” where Stephen Dawson can sit in his paper panties thinking about Summer Glau.)

Just a quick one before Christmas – goodwill to all men and so on, I’m off to drink myself into a coma. Thanks to Colin for the spot. Would you watch an election debate between the main UK party leaders?

immigration,mps expences lack of prosecutions,welfare benefits for imigrants who put nothing in the system. afghanistan,why aid for other countries before british pensioners.no univercity places for british kids but student visas going abroad.high cost of living and taxes.no referendem on europe.

mick woollard

We didn’t start the fire…

Thanks to Patrick for the only HYS post in history willing to give a tea-leaf the benefit of the doubt:

How is this different to people removing metal plaques from war memorials or lead off church roofs? It may not be sold as a sign, but with metal prices as high as they are it could already be melted down and reused. As a sign it may have sentimental meaning, but it could just be an act of theft, not “a declaration of war” against the Jewish state.

Phil, London, UK

While we’re at it, why are we so sure that Auschwitz was a death camp? Maybe it was just a very poorly-run Butlins with a central heating system that wasn’t CORGI-approved. But you could get away with that before Health And Safety went mad with political correctness.

In the interest of balance, Sarah has found someone who’s perfectly happy to leap to conclusions about the thieves:

Disgusting ,and it seems with all the immigrants being let into Europe from elsewhere, as well as home grown thieves, this is what we can expected now. In the UK our Labour Government is sooooo dumb that they emply ILLEGAL immigrants as security guards. That is how dumb and incompetent the Labour Govt is.

Kia Fosdter

Kia Fosdter is Professor Emeritus of Common Sense at the University of Well It Stands To Reason Doesn’t It I Mean Are You Blind Or What. You can challenge her for tenure but unless you have a PhD in Only Saying What Everyone’s Thinking I wouldn’t rate your chances.

Silly HYS moderators, it’s still 9 days until Christmas. Why have you gone and given every bigot with internet access an early present?

Homosexuals should not be executed. But homosexuality should be recognised for what it is – a perversion of natural sexual relations. Instead in our Godless humanistic society it is almost now being given some sort of protected and elevated status.Homosexual marriage is a travesty and an abomination. As is homosexuals in leadership positions in the church. One sign of a decaying society is the legitimising and the widespread practice of homosexuality.One of the major reasons for the fall of Rome

The Rev Oik, Reading

This is a nice little comment, it’s like a Milk Race of all the standard homophobe’s arguments. Particularly nice is the way “protected and elevated” actually means “equal to everyone else.”

I believe if you asked most “straight” men they would tell you they find homosexual acts abhorrent but you would find few that would advocated executing homosexuals.

We did have legislation in this country but it was removed by parliament.

However I do think it is too much ” in your face” these days ,ably assisted by the BBC – you just have to look at some of their presenters.But I suppose diversity brownie points are the route to promotion

[prettygrumpy]

And that’s the problem with equality, isn’t it. Someone will always game the system. If you can’t take the Konnie Huq route of blacking up with Bisto, and you find wheelchairs too uncomfortable, you can always just chug down a cock or two and sail your way into BBC management.

The basic act of homosexuality may be abhorent to some, but apparently it is not this one act the constitutes homosexuality, as practioners would have you believe it is a cultural/lifestyle thing that is totally in keeping with the 21st century. It is though based solely on this one act, and doesn’t merit “rights”.
The death penalty – no. Just pay more taxes than hetros.

The Big Fish, Stockport, United Kingdom

Great idea there, The Big Fish, but what happens when they get sick of taxation without representation and refuse to pay the tariff? It starts with the Boston Bumsex Party, then they’ll have a revolutionary war, then before you know it they’ve gained independence and they’re the major economic superpower on the planet. With fabulous hair to boot.

Christmas light switch-ons are quintessentially British, aren’t they. Not in the Nick Griffin indigenous racists way, but in the sense that they’re a bit shambolic and crap and low-rent and you’re ashamed to be seen enjoying one but even so they give you a little warm glow inside. Because even if we are a nation whose influence on the world stage is waning, even if we all have to wear sacks and eat glue while the bankers get to ride us like horseys, we can still do something to make the kids smile.

I don’t know what the opposite of the word ‘excelled’ is, but Belfast certainly did that this year – with some anonymous person dressed as Bob the Builder. ‘It’s for the children,’ someone shouted when I called the City Council cheapskates – as if a 21st century child would be fooled by someone in a Bob the Builder outfit. I think a slightly larger crowd might have turned out for Jim Carrey, Mariah Carey or Alexandra Burke.
Kevin, Belfast, Northern Ireland

Yeah, Belfast council, pull your finger out! If you’re going to get Bob The Builder, get the real Bob The Builder. If they start animating him in August he could press the button right on the dot! Or better still, just get in someone that Kevin from Belfast can have a wank over.

HYS questions sometimes get phrased in a rather odd way. You get the main question – Should there be an upper limit on pay? in this case – then a series of curiously-bolded subquestions to try and make you really “think” about your answer. Does any job deserve a £1m salary? Do you earn a million pounds or more? The relentlessness of the questions coupled to the utter blandness of the subject makes it a bit like being interrogated by the W.I.

No

Finnish Viewpoint, Helsinki, Finland
Recommended by 50 people

So 50 people agree that either there shouldn’t be limits on pay, or no job deserves a £1m salary, or they don’t earn a million pounds. This is why HYS is so good at capturing the national mindset.

I dont see how anyone on the planet could possible need more than 60k maximum per year.

Valkyrie woody, Burton on Trent, United Kingdom

….you obviously haven’t met my girlfriend yet!

RYAN GRIFFITHS, SOUTHAMPTON, United Kingdom

If you have to pay her that much, technically the word “prostitute” is more accurate than “girlfriend.”

If I take my life savings and open a shop, employing lots of people, paying them wages, paying employer’s national insurance. If that shop buys things, benefiting the supplier, and then sells them and provides great service and I happen to sell a million things at a profit of £1 each, why am I not entitled to the million pounds profit?

I took the risk, I employ people, I provide work to suppliers…and I’ll be paying £400,000 in tax!

Andrew Carter, London, United Kingdom

Yeah, Andrew Carter, why not? You could get off the sofa right now and open that shop. Take your hand out of the bag of cheetos and sell those million things. Stop masturbating to This Morning and provide that great customer service! David Jason and Lynda Baron are just waiting for you to take that risk, you fiscal dynamo!

We normally don’t cover the political blogosphere for the same reason we don’t hang around fish-filled barrels holding shotguns or punch ourselves in the face until our fists bleed, but Alan has found us a gem of a comment from Guido Fawkes (Honestly, don’t even read the article itself, or if you do, don’t discuss it here).

It really is incredible – this evil man is the Devil himself.

Look at the date that Brown became the unelected Prime Minister;

27th June 2007.

The Tewkesbury floods hit a few weeks later in mid July 2007.

I was made redundant for the first time in 30 years in October….2007.

Everywhere,simply everywhere he goes,a trail of utter chaos and ruin
follows him;

Factories close,industries collapse,children’s financial future’s
dissolve,wars happen,economies shredded,bereaved mothers insulted…it
goes on and on and on.

Perhaps he will be available for an updated “The Omen” film?

Gordon Brown – The Omen.

While we’re discussing updated films, I’ll see if I can get Lars von Trier on the blower. We’ve found the perfect lead for a remake of The Idiots.

Occasionally we accuse the Have Your Say mods of not even trying any more, usually when they come up with a topic like “Do you agree with unchecked immigration?” or “Immigration: bad, or really bad?” or “Can you think of any imaginative nicknames for New Labour and/or Gordon Brown?” This time around though, they’ve pulled their fingers out. The question, “Should The Queen’s Speech Be Cancelled?” is at least one degree removed from “Fill the little white box with your impotent whinging” and requires the HYS faithful to exercise at least a little mental effort to turn it round to their favourite subject. It’s like Brain Training, but for people with the brain age of a orange.

I agree with Nick Clegg, Britain is in a hell of a mess what we do not need is more legislation, or new policies, a root and branch search for recovery should come first as Out of all Europe Britain is still in recessionand the Queens speech seems soem what irrelative.

jim evans, brighton

Yep, what government should do is get us out of this recession, but not by passing any of that difficult-to-comprehend legislation or having any of those silly policies or anything. They should think about the problem, like jim evans has.

No the Queen should still make her speech.

She should start it by saying:

“This government has totally failed Britain. I hereby dissolve Parliament until the return of democracy to Britain through proportional representation.”

Indigenous Englishman, Shoeburyness, ENGLAND.

I think she should start it with a joke. It could go, “A Chinaman, an Indian and a Somalian all walk into a bar and my husband enormously offends them all.” Props on your solution for the undemocratic resolution of democracy though.

I would rather listen to a thousand Queen’s speeches than listen to any of our political leaders even once!

Ben, Brighton

That’s our Queen that is, hardest working woman in politics. As well as all the queening, she has to think up all the forthcoming legislation for the entire year and write a speech about it all on her own, with no help from those political leaders. Good on yer, ma’am.

Thanks to Simon for finding thomas thompson.

To be honest contrary to dis-information by unseen government spectres, most of the energy now being produced by nuclear power stations “provides” secretive underground establishments with their power needs. There is not a single minister with the guts to tell the truth about “the other world beneath”. Of course therefore more power stations would enable cheaper available fuel, for us above ground users!

thomas thompson, heacham, United Kingdom

What I like is that unlike most conspiracy theorists, Thomas is able to see the underground cabal of – well, he doesn’t specify but I suspect as usual in these cases they don’t eat bacon – as a largely positive thing. They’re probably running round the inside of the Hollow Earth making baby-alien hybrids, but if we build them a few more Sizewells petrol might drop by 5p a litre.

I have undergone many cerebral changes throughout my life. changes brought about by witnessing/encountering real phenomena! Close encounters with alien-craft. Observing the awaiting arms of seraphim when I drowned in 1996. There is an almighty being, whom in christian faith is represented by god, in Islam by mohammed. And so on. However I do not believe any faiths should be “interactive” , Individualism cannot be cloned. Iamwhatiam god

thomas thompson, heacham, United Kingdom

Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe it’s not the shellfish-challenged breeding alienbabies in Shambhala. I mean, apart from completely bollocksing up one of the basic tenets of Islam, he’s a pretty inclusive and knowledgeable guy about religion. Also, I’m not sure what he means by “interactive” faith, but I hope it means Guybrush Threepwood having an insult duel with Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.