spEak You're bRanes

“Millions are families are hit by higher taxes from a wasteful Labour government and now we have Brown pledging to spend a further 200 million pound on Africa. WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO PUTTING UK first?”

Steve Tea – Cheshire

It was actually £100 million, but you’re right Steve, trying to save the lives of brown people you’ve never even met, who live in far away Bongo Bongo land is a shit idea. My weekend’s fucked without the £1.60 this reckless government initiative has personally cost me. I was hoping to have a posh wank tonight, but now it’ll have to be a straight up and downer.

This from our man in the sticks on the question “Is the world facing a food crisis?”:

Of course, and plans to use arable land for the production of ‘bio-fuels’ is only going to make this worse.

We in Britain are going to be particularly vunerable as we have decimated our farms, and the continued influx of immigrants increases the pressure on all resources.

David Smith, Scunthorpe

Wise words David, it’s cause and effect. Just yesterday my super market had run out of sun dried tomatoes and then I saw four black people and two Indian looking people at the check out. What other conclusion could I possibly reach?

The Strike does affect my bussiness but their are other forms of communication that can be used i.e email paying monies by bank draft if it is an issue to wait, Their are other courier companies which should be competative with Royal mail, as we should have choice, and Royal mail should be competative to make them an option, If Striking is the only way to be heard then it has to be done.

Kate Brown, Bedale

No disrespect, Kate, but I doubt the postal strike will make one iota of difference to your life. If the sub-cretinal levels of spelling in your post are a guide to your general level of literacy, you’ll still be running your finger along last week’s letter from Aunty Doris, by the time the strike finishes.

Stop it at the source – don’t let obese/unfit parents have kids, simple no?

Egnite, Aberdeen, United Kingdom

Excellent idea, have them all neutered, along with yobs, chavs, benifit louts, alcos, druggies, prostitutes, the homeless, the disabled, the mentally ill, the royals..

eezyweed, Belfast, United Kingdom

…and wankers who refer to themselves as eezyweed or Egnite. I’m ALMOST with you on the royals, mind.

I had a sneaky feeling that the subject of a DNA database would kick off a turdfest of epic proportions on HYS. Boy, was I right:

I would also like to see tracking implants enforced for all UK citizens: many crimes such as burglaries and kidnapping would be eradicated.

Chris Taylor, Birkenhead

I’m not sure the tracking map of you going round and round in circles in a rubber room will be much use, but I like the idea, Chris.

Meanwhile, Stella explains how we’ve had the wool pulled over our eyes:

Why were DNA tests not performed on Lord Levy and Ruth Turner when they were arrested in the cash-for-peerages investigation? It seems there is one law for New Labour goons, and another for the SILENCED Majority.

Stella Maru, Brighton, United Kingdom

That’s right Stella. Match up Levy’s DNA to the DNA traces on the loot, stashed in the safe at Labour Party HQ, and we’d have our man. THEY just didn’t want to do it. CONSPIRACY.

I am rather ashamed to admit this, but I was so desperate to get money to pay off all my other debts, I lied to get a loan. When I received a letter from my bank saying I could apply for a £25,000 loan, I thought what the heck, I will give it a go. I never thought they would say yes! They asked me what my occupation was and how much I was making, to which I replied £23,000 a year – a lie. I am angry now that they let me take out that loan because if they had checked my bank statements they would see that I was on income support, and that my bank account at that time was well overdrawn. And I have been left to struggle to pay back £427 a month back! I am still on benefits and I hardly have any money left at all.
Susan, London

I’m welling up here, I really am, this is going to keep me awake at night, or maybe I’m lying as well?

Bigmaxy musters all his comedic energies into a single, cuttingly ironic, observation on the state of TV today. I still don’t quite get what he’s done here, too clever by exactly half.

What’s wrong with How-to-Be-a-Ten-Years-Younger-Shipwrecked-Celebrity-Wife-Swapping-Property-Developer-Kitchen-Nightmare-Get-Me-Out-of-Here? I quite like that show.

bigmaxy, London, United Kingdom

I’ve heard ITV are in the process of commissioning a new reality show: “I’m a witless bellend, please may I be drowned in a barrel of horse piss?”.

Generally i think i am quite liberal. However I can not think of a punishment fitting for the asornist involved in this mass murder. All summer i have raved that the fires in greece will eventualy claim lives, but how to make it stop? My inital reaction was to burn them all (i live close enough to smell the smoke) but I admit to prefering the idea to make them work.
After some environmental duty, they should be slaves to the famillies they have destroyed

Aliland

Generally, Aliland, I think you’re an illiterate mentalist. I’m glad, however, that your liberal sensitivities mean we can move from burning criminals alive to simply enslaving them for life. That feels like real progress to me. Rave on.

The media should be the ones who change the world. Gangs are shown in films so much more often than, eg., chess clubs. People aren’t supposed to think that crime is cool, and yet every image that a young black boy sees on TV is of someone who wears what he wears, and lives on a steet just like his, so he thinks “maybe I am like that”, and the cycle is not broken but extended. Therefore, stop portraying the chess club as geeks, and stop making kids think they have something to prove.

Jenny Bartle, Colchester, United Kingdom

Hmmm, maybe Jenny is onto something. A remake of 8 Mile, with Nigel Short as a chess hustler, down on his luck, and with one last chance to shine? It’ll be massive. The hoodies will lap it up and we’ll all be one step closer to the land of milk and honey.

Iain from Doncaster applies Darwins theory of natural selection to the question of house price affordability:

I believe that most people are like hamsters, in our own little hamsterworld cages trundling the wheel of commercial life round & round in ignorance till we drop off. But our evolvment from whereever we began includes a variety of animals which is why when it comes to buying houses & most other things the donkey side of us shows & we grab at carrots. Various animal instincts are such a part of us which is why various instincts are targeted by businesses, politicians & religions past & present. Many instincts & behaviours are unrealised by most as we try to distance ourselves from the animal world but our human behaviours ARE governed by what we actually are & not just what we want to be.

Iain Connochie, Doncaster

In the future, boffins will be able to modify our DNA and remove the donkey elements that cause us to speculate on the housing market.

I have a horrible vision of Iain showing us his “donkey side”.