spEak You're bRanes

I’m digging into my percy stash here peeps. The last few bits from from the defunct RSS feeds.

Remember when the beeb asked the gnomes “Should sportsmen be role models off the pitch?”. BigHitter decided it was time to wheel out the word “moot”. He had obviously been deeply impressed by someone who used it once and had been practising at home, in front of the mirror, ever since. “The point is moot!” he’d say, waggling his eyebrows. Sometimes he’d hold a finger in the air and pause for effect before letting rip with the full force of his weighty moot. “The point, Sir” (significant waggle) “is moot!”. And then he’d fling his coat over his arm and stalk out of the room, feeling like a Massive Professor of Opinions ‘N’ Shit.

So, practice over, here he is, giving it a go in public. Be kind, this is his first time.

They dont glean any respect from me, so the point is moot.

But, they should be insiprational to youngsters, after all , they are all adults who never grew up but alas they have been developed inside a pandering , narcissist bubble all of their adult life , subsequently know very little of the real world

Ridiculous wages for what amounts to very little achievement
[BigHitter]

Shit at sport, eh?

Anyway, my advice is that you take “moot” along to a few open mic nights before you try another proper gig with it. Hone your skills in front of a friendly crowd. Also, and sorry if I’m doing you a disservice here, but you strike me as the sort of cunt who might start riffing on shit like “ergo”, “methinks” and “QED”. This is the equivalent of launching into a twenty minute acappella of “Hallelujah” and then, just as everyone is about to glass themselves in the tits, asking them to “join in if you know the words”. Trust me, you can’t pull this off. You’re WORSE at this than you were at sport.

The HYS forum has changed recently. They’ve got rid of the recommendations and paging and I think maybe raised the character limit, resulting in extremely long pages of unreadable bollocks. It’s a massive improvement and hopefully means nobody will ever try to read any of it ever again.

They also got rid of the RSS feeds of user posts. Now I have to scan through, looking for good shit, instead of simply subscribing to the feeds of the most amusingly self-important bellends. It’s not massively rewarding.

I’m going through old ones I saved but never got round to posting. Sometimes, it’s never too late.

If a victim is being physically attacked, the victim can use self defence to protect himself. That is the law of the land, and it should be no different in the classroom.

To those who are shocked with this statement, believing that children should not be taught that violence is the answer to violence. Well remember this: bullying is easy when the victim can’t retaliate; and sometimes, it’s never too early to learn about the real world.
Lloyd Belle, Nottingham, United Kingdom

Good call, Lloyd. Sometimes, the only way to stop bullying is to batter the fuck out of someone much smaller than you.

The gnomes have just become aware of the shocking idea that the Falkland Islands might have real economic and political significance.

If there is oil in the Falklands Argentina is most likely to want to put in a claim. After all, they went to war over a few sheep the last time round.
Bill, Southampton

You know that bit in a sci-fi thingy where they’ve got the “knowledge of the ancients in a techno-cube” or maybe the “memories of the entire Zargoid high-council stored in a brain-laser”? Or maybe just “37 exabytes of furry pr0n”. And you know how they’re always trying to download it into someone’s head but the geezer operating the brain-laser/techno-cube is worried that “the human mind is too primitive” to cope with that much information? I reckon Bill’s family feel the same way about “The One Show”.

Do you fancy 30% more beard? How about 50% more unconditional love for people you deem to have met the necessary conditions? Are you up for loving your neighbour but think that anyone who lives further away than that can get fucked? You know, like that foreign guy two doors down who listens to weird music. You’d happily stand over him, smashing your hammer into his face again and again and again and again until he stops screaming and then you’d watch the pool of steaming blood expand around his head while the light of life fades from his horrid, savage, different face, wouldn’t you? Also, would you like to see a bit more God on the telly?

Let’s open with a bit of charming American naivety.

any one who does not believe in God should leave britain & go live under communist China.
tyson, USA

Bless.

Anyone who still thinks that Britain is a Christian nation only has to read the comments on this HYS to realise that Christianity has been marginalised to the extent that Christians must suffer hate-filled abuse on a daily basis. What’s worse is that this attitude is encouraged by the government and our national institutions. We have become a nation of small-minded, intolerant bigots, and it’s very, very sad.
Douglas Lee, London

I reckon you’re aiming too high. Let’s face it, religion is bollocks and even the Archbishop of Canterbury has the decency to look a bit embarrassed about it. If you keep aiming for “respect” you’re bound to fall short and hit “abuse”. Why not go for “pity” instead? Check out this next guy.

It’s not the amount of programming that’s an issue, it’s the quality of it. Maybe if there were some better informative programmes about religion on the television, then contributors to HYS would understand religion a bit better and would stop spouting the poorly-informed anti-religious drivel that this kind of question invariably invokes (and the BBC secretly enjoys).
[TheisticEvolutionist]

That’s how it’s done.

I can’t help but imagine this poor fucker forlornly wandering the streets, trying to spread the Word and asking people: “Have you heard Jesus’s message to all of God’s people? Oh.. you have? Um.. are you sure? Right. Um. Cos I’ve got some bang up to date stuff about bankers n that? What about the time when Jesus swept the moneylenders out of… oh… heard that one too? Hang on! Don’t worry, I’ve got, like, a whole BOOK of these! Wait a sec. There’s bound to be one you’ve not heard before… what about that bit with the meek and the inheriting n that? … Oh…. really? ALL of it? Seriously??? Wow. Um. And you don’t believe in… ? Riiiight. None of it eh? Um. You’re SURE you read the right book??? Yeah, that’s the fella. Wow. Um… OK… sorry, I’ll let you get on with your shopping then”.

Thanks to Robert for finding [MrWonderfulReality] telling us how he’d like to keep children safe on the internet.

I’d just use plain & simple common sense, but unfortunately, although it is commonly available to all, many would not recognise it unless it was packaged up & sold in £1 shops or Primark or came with tomatoe ketchup on top.
[MrWonderfulReality]

Robert says: “I believe MrWonderfulReality has confused ‘common sense’ with a pair of socks and a burger”.

Thanks to Angel for finding David Grime commenting about religion on telly.

I do wish folks would define religion correctly. Religion is man reaching up to God. Christianity is God reaching down to man through Christ. Therefore, Christianity is not a religion. Judging by some of the comments made to date it is not religion that is needed. The Nation appears to be largely ignorant of what Christianity really is. Programmes putting this right would be most welcome. Unfortunately I cannot see the main stream Churches doing it as they do not seem to know either.
David Grime, Kendal

I totally get what you mean. The mainstream churches are just, like, peddling sell-out, homogenised God-substitute to the ignorant masses. What’s the point of joining a church where you don’t get persecuted because nobody gives a fuck about it? You gotta join one of those indie, queer-basher churches and get right up in peoples faces, acting like a sanctimonious, bigoted, tightly-puckered, badly-knitted anus until they appreciate just how radical you are and start persecuting you properly. And maybe you should get an earring.

I have to thank whoever made the decision to ask the gnomes “What should Britain’s defense strategy be?”. It just keeps on giving.

It really brought out the very best in them. Many of them appear to have been patiently formulating military strategies and collecting important-sounding acronyms for years. They’ve beavered away in secret, reading about war, thinking about war, fantasising about war and masturbating about Lynda Bellingham. Finally, the little white box has asked them what the army should do. This is their chance to make a difference.

Expand support for special forces, specifically the SFSG, and look to expand SF aswell . Satelitte technology

Correctly equip regular forces with everything ground commanders recommend and unhindered by budget and cost saving

Ditch Trident, make a more mobile rapid response force, split into self sufficent units of 1500 strong supported by helo’s, Littoral combat ships and other defensive counter-measures .

There arent enough words available to be able to describe everything needed .
[BigHitter]

Aw, come on. Cheer up lad. Sure, it’s easy to become despondent when you realise that nobody gives an elasticated wank-nappy about your plan for Afghanistan. Don’t give up and don’t let it get you down! Try and forget that you’ve pissed a substantial portion of your life away patiently shoveling lorry-loads of arseblubber into the internet. Forget that you believed, for no reason that the rest of us can fathom, that this was worth doing. Abandon your conviction that important men with moustaches were leafing through your penetrating observations with grudging approval. Bravely ignore the fact that everyone has actually been shitting themselves laughing at you.

The clues you need are already on HYS. Look, here’s our old friend Ron C, putting you all straight.

…….I`m certainly not amongst them……….
Darkseid Jones,

Like all our hys`s they will always like your`s get lost in the “dark”. The mandarins in the MOD, won`t even bother to read them either, try writing direct. You still don`t get it. Why do you bother posting, its`s only all a bit of fun. lighten up.
Ron C, Northwest, United Kingdom

I think you’ve got the right attitude, Ron. The trick is to lighten up and remember that the only person who actually pays any attention to what you write is me. And I think you’re a lonely bollock.

Domestic defence security is vital with less committment overseas.The new aircraft carriers are a must, as this in turn will bolster our air defences, we also should rethink our nuclear strategy and slim back on this, and consider strengthening the army ground fores with emphasis placed on fast efficient reaction well trained and equipped units. Do something worthwhile about the terrible state of army accommodation and increase pay that its`s well above the highest parking ticket zealet`s pay.
Ron C, Northwest, United Kingdom

Ron? Can you hear me? You need to lighten up, Ron. RON? IT’S ONLY A BIT OF FUN. RON???

It must be tiring, logging into Have Your Say every day and trying to somehow twist the subject round to war. Imagine that you’re very, very good at fighting and love to chat about it (not that you fight very much, you understand… in fact, you never fight, but I bet you could… well, you could if you met someone reasonably short and unarmed.. who was quite tired… and you were half a mile away with a massive gun). Imagine you know a lot about battles, can name 12 kinds of tanks and have possibly painted upwards of 1,000 miniature soldiers (in the RIGHT colours for the period!). You’re going to want to tell the world a thing or two about warships and armies aren’t you? The last thing you need is another discussion about cervical cancer, A-level results or Susan Boyle isn’t it?

Well it seems that the HYS mods have taken pity on horny young war-lovers everywhere and created a thread where they can get it all off their bravely puffed-out chests. Come on little fellas. It’s your chance to shine.

A massive expansion of our Armed forces, this will create Jobs in high tech industries, with good export potential, bring in conscription for 18 year olds, 1 years service to learn self worth, discipline and a worth while trade, be it Cook, Medical, Electronics etc.
Enough resources to allow us to engage in to Regional Wars plus enough reserves for a 3rd emergency response.
Nuclear Deterrent based on SSN’s firing Cruise Missiles, similar to the converted US Ohio Class (SSGN)
Crusader, London

You had me at “massive expansion”.

1. stop fighting America’s wars, we had no help from THEM during the Falklands conflict, why should we care about their interests.

NOT TRUE: The US supplied us with the newest version of the Sidewinder AAM (AIM-9) that gave us an edge over the Argentinian AIM-7, also an Amphibious Assault Ship was put at our disposal incase one of our Capital ships was sunk or damaged.
Iraq & Afghan are the Western Worlds wars, or do you relish the thought of becoming a Shiara muslim State.
Jake, London

Dammit Jake. I was standing proud for a moment there, surface-to air, nearly ready to fire and then you had to go and bring forruns into it. Fucker. Now I’m looking down, somewhat wistfully, at a launch site suitable for a surface-to-surface attack at best.

The people who say we should never fight abroad are viewing the world through rose-tinted glasses. It is an absolutely excellent policy to fight your wars on someone else’s soil. Waiting until the enemy is coming up the beaches is far far too late! We nearly got caught out that way before. Defence sometimes does mean offence. How many lives would have been saved if Hitler had been stopped sooner? It’s easy to be all touchy feely when your protected, but don’t ignore human reality or history.
[numenius], England, United Kingdom

And let’s not forget the exciting world of espionage. We need to get spies in there stealing their secret chocolate recipes before they steal ours.

‘Scrap Trident.’
Jacques Cartier

Without Trident, our country would have no deterrent against invasion or nuclear annihilation. Scrapping Trident is NOT an option.
Paul

Eggsfuckingxactly. The Channel and the army might be able to save us from frenchy fuckers like Jacques, with his “kissing” and “garlic”, but if Godzilla turns up we’re gonna need nukes.

Thanks to Charys.

My question is a rather simple one, which is what are the first signs of dementia?
Kevin, London

I’m willing to bet that asking Have Your Say for mental health advice is fairly high up the list.

Thanks to Rebecca for finding this Times Online thing about a gun turning up at a college in Kingston.

why does the govt send these people to university they should be conscripted into chain gangs
ptere blake

An excellent suggestion but the government are unlikely to read it as they’re far too busy sending people to university.

Oh dear. And in another part of tol, it says crime has gone down massively!!! Oh no – it’s not a crime yet because a shot hasn’t been fired in this case.
joy B

You’re probably laughing at Joy right now and thinking that she’s very, very stupid indeed. Well, think again. People laughed at Melvyn Bragg when he invented quantum mechanics. Sometimes, things we take for granted and think we understand turn out to be unimaginably strange. All her life Joy has inhabited a strangely counterintuitive world where our everyday, predictable mathematics no longer applies. She can walk into a room with 1,000 people in it and, in a universe-bending twist of statistics, the average IQ will drop from 105 down to 7 or so.

Well done to the Police and the college for handling the incident. Why wasn’t he named and pictured? We don’t want to jump to conclusions as to his race: just give us the facts.
Martin P

Political correctness gone mad! By not publishing a photo of a black man called “Abdullah Tsangarai Mbimkulu”, they’re pretty much FORCING you to jump to racist conclusions all by yourself.

Here you go, I’ve drawn you a picture of a bad man from Africa. You’re not a racist now. The picture of the black man with the gun made you sad. That’s all.