spEak You're bRanes

Should the drink-drive limit be cut?

Absolutely. Anyone who drives should give up drinking, after all its ok to tell smokers to give up so no problem there. Oh no, wait, what’s that I hear? The roar of double standards approaching……..
Richard

I’ve got a mental image of a noisy lion called “Double Standards”. He’s well known for his roaring. He lives in a zoo with “Political Correctness” the zebra, a termite colony known as “The Silent Majority” and a lonely, overfed walrus called “Indigenous Cock Haemorrhage”.

UK has already the lowest drink driving ofences in Europe even though the limit is higher than all the other countries. However because in the other countries the limit is lower it just catches more people and they actually have a higher number of offences.

Can I smell revenue generator?
Infowars

“Revenue Generator” the stinky giraffe? Nah mate. That’s “Double Standards” you can smell. He’s approaching.

Apparently everyone at the world cup is blowing these plastic horns called vuvuzelas and they’re making everything sound like b-flat.

If it is a constant note then surely erecting a massive speaker broadcasting the same note in reversed amplitude will counteract it and make it virtually disappear. Same prinicipal as in cockpits and noise cancelling equipment. But then all it will take is the next generation of vuvuzela, a few hundred Hz off frequency for this expensive equipment to be rendered useless… even worse this will then be heard to make a loud noise of its own with nothing to cancel it out.
Mark Dowle, Abingdon, UK

It seems so obvious but, like so many apparently brilliant ideas, it turns out to cause more problems than it solves. The “Massive Amplitude-Reversed Drone Speaker” (MARDS) was actually built just after the war, by scientists who hoped it could cancel out the sound of fascism. These boffins tuned it to an annoying frequency, and then left it droning on and on about how brilliant it is. Sadly, after a terrible calibration error, MARDS thinks it invented television, teenagers, custard, “being over 30″, tennis, “being over 40″, the printing press, talking loudly, ignoring people, “being over 50″, “being over 60″, droning, and sesame seeds. We know it now as Janet Street-Porter and nobody can work out how to turn the fucking thing off.

Thanks to Heidi and a few other peeps who squirted this one up my tube. Not sure what the subject was. Something along the lines of “The internet gives a fuck. Honest. Send advice please”.

the question should be save not spend.
I agree that the NHS should be “protected” I do not believe that government, or anybody should not allow the NHS to defend their place in the market place.
I have visited several hospitals all over, and I park myself in a strategic place for 5 minutes and write the activities going on around me. Excluding cleaning staff, in the best case 41 staff, Doctors, Nurses, Admin etc. walked past. Doing nothing but walking up and down corridors, the worst case there were 76 people of similar stature, just walking several with clip boards, doing absolutely nothing. The average of all the Hospitals together is 52.3 persons per 5 minute spell (any time but mainly daytime) that equates to 5020.8 people doing nothing in an 8 hour period. Forgive me if I seem a little too simplistic but even if you half the number 2510.4 is much to many. Take into consideration that “anything can be moved from one place to another as many times as you like and you will not add a penny value to it. surely the largest single saving can be made in hospital efficiency just pouring tax payers £ in will do nothing to improve the situation, in fact all it is paralleled to is government spending on Quangos.
weallmustvote

The latest results (from people with white coats n everything) will only add to your concerns. Lord Professor Baron Robertstache Winistroni sat in a lift for an hour and concluded that doctors and nurses spend the entire day just going up and down… up and down… up and down. Seriously. As soon as one of the fuckers got out at the top, another one would get straight back in and go all the way down again! I mean. What the actual fuck are they playing at? Even more worryingly, a squad of crack boffins (from the Smethwick Rolfe Street branch of Greggs) spent all day sat in the bog and concluded that around 15% of NHS staff are doing a poo! And the other 85% are pissing like horses! I’m going to keep a close eye on my doctor next time I see him, that’s for sure. You can keep your poo-hands where I can see them, Mr Shitty.

Anyway. Thanks for your contribution to this very important science result. This is how progress is made. Sometimes, it takes a true visionary to ask questions so obvious that nobody else bothered. Questions like “What happens in corridors?” and “Has anybody on the bus seen my shoe?”.

I found “Nice One Son” gamely combining ignorance with arrogance and so mistaking “stuff he doesn’t know” for “stuff nobody could possibly know”.

Think the question was something like “Can science save the planet?”.

No they can’t.

Science still cannot answer basic questions;

1. Why are we here?
2. Why do we grow old and die?
3. How can all of this have happened by chance?

Basic questions that need answers.
Nice One Son

I boggled at this for a while, and tried to work out how it had happened. I imagined myself in his shoes and everything became unclear. The shoes were shite and I didn’t know anything. Then I forgot what I was doing. Then I decided to tell the BBC what I’d done today – in case they wanted to use it on the news.

Thanks to Throbbe who found “anti-fraudster” nearly answering the question “How should schools teach religion?”.

I think that it should be, but that it should include a full expose ( with acute accent on the e) of the mystery religions/ occult religions practised by many of the most powerful people on the globe…e.g those who go to Bohemian Grove and spend so much time trying to persuade others towards their dark tawdry and thoroughly kitsch rituals and immorality towards others.
anti-fraudster

Mon Dieu! Vous parlez Francais? Avec un circu.. ced.. squiggle sous la “c”?

For too long now I’ve assumed that everyone on “Have Your Say” was either a halfwit or a quarterwit so coming across someone this clever really knocked me sideways. Finally, I realise that my blase (with a very cute accent on the “e”) attitude has caused me to miss some truly insightful comments (with a hairy, groaning umlaut on the “o”) .

But anti-fraudster didn’t stop there. He knows all the isms you’ve ever heard of and at least one of his own.

Hmmm …ruralwoman…darwinism? Not without some trenchant criticism on offer about social darwinism and its horrible links with eugenicism, one of the most evil and horrid beliefs out there. It might scare people so would have to be handled with care. Which is always part of the problem. While some religious beliefs e.g love God, love your neighbour, are beautiful and of highest goodness, others options: child sacrifice, puttee, suppression of women, and so on are to the vast majority abhorrent… and can cause nightmares. No use being prissily politicially correct, there is evil religion as well as good.
anti-fraudster

I’d go even further and suggest that eugenicismologists invented the halon women-suppression systems and silly puttee I’ve been having nightmares about.

As an aside, anti-fraudster has so far left around eight comments in that thread, including one where he has a dig at someone for getting the apostrophe wrong in one of their words. I thought that was pretty rich coming from somebody who can’t even get the words right.

Anyway. What’s the answer?

R.E. should get back to text. There are some really really important texts that should be part of everyone’s basic knowledge. For some the text will never come alive. This is the same for all texts.
For some inexplicable and very dumbed-down reason focussing on texts has gone out of fashion. Education without a decent amount of focussing on text breeds an unlearned and malleable generation whose idea of debate is to shout unconsidered and unvalidated slogans from different sides. My children have told me you can pass R.E exams with knowledge of one parable. Textual illiteracy unfortunately. Where are the well-read in the next generation? Who is to blame for this shocking ignorance? Many on this board have little to no knowledge of text, and just loads of prejudice. Once this question is posed in a “should we be aware of important texts?” frame the answer is stunningly obvious.
anti-fraudster

So. Is it all about really, really important texts? Are there very dumbed-down reasons for things not being textual enough any more? How can we validate our slogans? Should we listen to anti-fraudster?

I tried to emulate him and come up with a pithy answer – a different frame for the question that cuts through the bullshit and makes the answer stunningly obvious. Here is the frame I made. It’s the “You’d have to crush me to death under a pile of fossilized mastodon turds, weep remorsefully for an hour over my mangled remains, pull me out by my face, then crush me to death again under another pile of reassuringly expensive, prehistoric tods before I’d even consider paying attention to this pompous ass-hat’s content-free, pseudo-intellectual prattling for a single, interminably boring picosecond” frame.

The Japanese Prime Minister has resigned over a broken electoral promise and the BBC has asked a load of people who’d never heard of him before whether they think he did the right thing. I’ve just spent an unhappy few minutes reading through the answers in an attempt to find one that didn’t contain the word “honour”. There weren’t any. It got slightly more bearable and entertaining when I started imagining them all saying the word “honourable” in a piss-take Japanese accent. Here, try it.

Mr. Hatoyama is obviously a very decent and honourable man. By tradition Japanese culture encourages this type of behaviour. In the UK however [... goes on for some time ...]
warriorsottovoce

See?

If his resignation is over breaking an election pledge & simply that then he is a man of honour.
ian cheese

Nice one Ian! Apparently he was extremely worried about bringing shame to his famiry and had even contemprated suicide before he saw your comment. He asked me to tell you that he’s feeling “a rot better now”.

Thanks to thetastysoup for finding these on the subject of swanky new bacteria with synthesised DNA.

You can’t control evolution.
It only takes one of these bacteria to mate with another and you have serious and posibly extinction problems.
Not a good idea.
Hairy Dog

It’s alright, they’ve genetically engineered these ones to be homosexual bacteria-boys. They can hump each other til they’re blue in the membrane and never create anything more terrifying than that episode of Doctor Who where Bernard Cribbins kept bursting into tears and trying to tell The Doctor how much he loved him.

I love this next comment for the sheer exuberance with which Chezobarth7 throws unrelated sentences together.

Before this study continues we need to be sure that the “bacteria” doesn’t mutate like all other organisms in this world do. We all know computers have flaws. This scientist is just in way over his head and he needs to slow down. This could do more harm than good. This could be a step toward ending global warming or it could be a step towards mind control. Watch out it is 1984 all over again.
Chebozarth7

It absolutely, definitely is 1984 all over again. That’s the one where Dr Frankenstein tries to reverse climate change by making a mind-control hat and Richard Attenborough builds an amusement park full of microbes, right?

Dear Sirs,
As a physician, scientist, molecular geneticist and molecular biologist, I am deeply concerned about the implications of this endeavor. The multiple potential benefits of this experiment can instantly vanish by a single unforeseen catastrophic event.
AMMDO, MD, PhD
AndreUSP6

For those who are interested in the court case I mentioned the other day, Kirk was convicted, given a conditional discharge and ordered to pay costs.

A few kind people expressed an interest in making a donation towards the costs. If you’d like to do so, please go here.

Thanks to everyone for the comments and emails.

You might also be interested to learn that the two owners of small-arms manufacturer Heckler & Koch are currently being sued by a group of investors who allege that they took €130 million out of the company and blew it on yachts, jets, helicopters and mansions. It’s gratifying to see these bastards facing a massive, whirling shitstorm of trouble but I can’t help approving of the idea that someone might take a truckload of money designated for helping an arms company, and piss it all up the wall instead.

Thanks to Sophia for these (from the Daily Mail I think).

The last two major plane crashes (this one and Tripoli) have both involved early morning landings, and the Polish president was also killed in a morning (although not early) landing
Could there be a common denominator?
Maybe something the authorities should take a look at.

RIP to all that died.
- Graham, Torrevieja Spain, 22/5/2010 11:28

You probably all heard about that plane crash in India and, like me, your first instinct was to start investigating it immediately. You most likely left yourself a message stuck to the fridge saying “Remember to think very hard about what causes plane crashes“. You didn’t do anything about it though did you? No. But Graham did. He was all over that shit while you lazy fuckers were sat there in your knickers, eating crumpets and swigging champagne. Not only that, but he also found the time to send a brief message of support to the dead.

Kind of puts your efforts in perspective doesn’t it? Think on.

why are there so many plane crashes these days?
and i do hope they find survivors, its a shame to not see your loved ones again.
- jack, scotland, 22/5/2010 12:28

What do you mean “why”? Did you even read Graham’s report??? They’re caused by MORNINGS you prick.

You’re right though, it is a shame.

Turns out, this entire blog has been an elaborate ruse to enable me to Have My Say.

This Thursday morning (20th May) a chap called Kirk will stand trial at Nottingham Magistrates’ Court. He’s been charged with aggravated trespass, for his part in a protest against an arms company (Heckler & Koch) known to sell its weapons to repressive regimes. There’s nothing unusual about arms companies doing that but Kirk’s (and his fellow protesters’) dedication in trying to stop the fuckers is depressingly rare.

Obviously, I need to have a comment from somewhere, so I’ll use this one.

We believe that one day the world will look back on the arms trade as we look back today on the slave trade, and wonder how it came about that such evil could abound in respectable society.

Bang on. We’re talking about an industry dedicated to selling devices for maiming and killing people. Our government (whoever they fuck they are this week) actively promotes this industry with public money. An industry built around selling ever increasing amounts of techno-masturbatory metallic death to anyone who’ll buy (and lets face it, the expanding markets for “devices designed to tear people apart” don’t tend to be peaceful, affluent regions). They’re dedicated to making more sales and making more money, as if they were peddling soup, sex-toys or sherbet fucking dib-dabs. This, for me, is the reason why sentences like “Why bother?” and “Do you really think you can stop the arms trade?” don’t even qualify as meaningful questions. The sane, human response to those who knowingly profit from peddling this misery and suffering should not be “considered”, “reasonable” or “balanced”. Fuck that. If you don’t feel it in your gut then you badly need to recalibrate your “giving a shit” module.

Supporters of the campaign to shutdown Heckler & Koch will be gathering outside the court on Wilford Street, Nottingham at 9:00am. Come along if you have the time and you’re nearby. Or maybe have a hunt around and find your local arms company. They’ll be skulking on an industrial estate in an unmarked unit, probably within a few minutes of where you live. Go and tell the black-hearted shits that they’re not welcome in your town.

Any journo types who are interested – please contact me. Kirk’s happy to give interviews on the phone on Wednesday or else in person outside the court before his trial.