spEak You're bRanes

What tests should immigrants face?

Question 1: Are you a Muslim?
If yes to Q1 then finish questionnaire, you are rejected, return to the Middle East, do not pass go!
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

I hope you grow a dog’s cunt where your eye should be.

Is the new car-share lane a good thing?

Update: I changed this one slightly because somebody wanted me to and I do everything I’m told.

It costs me Over £100 in road tax every year, it also costs me nearly £1000 in fuel tax per year (estimated). If I wanted to drive into London, which I don’t, there would be another £20 charge each day, there is VAT on the cost of buying the vehicle, and on services and MOT;s. I must have insurance, but the government tax that as well. So tell me now, as I pay all of this money to obtain the freedom to drive, why should I have that freedom reduced in any way?
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

Yeah! You used to be able to park for free all round town. Now you have to pay! You used to be able to drink a stimulating G&T while you were driving but then the “PC Brigade” stopped that. You used to be able to enslave black people and make them pick your cotton but now you have to STOP AT ZEBRA CROSSINGS FOR THEM!

Why should you have your freedoms reduced when you are, quite obviously, more important than other people??

Maybe it’s because you’re a poorly sheep’s cunt.

An old one from Nerys. Nearly didn’t manage to post this today because DreamHost have been utterly shite and this site’s been down (along with thousands of others). Slug slots.

Its about time all free handouts were discontinued. We have streets covered in chewing gum, municipal gardens unkept and we have a social system that gives alcoholics £20 extra per day for booze, persistant gamblers up to £60 per day to feed slot machines. What incentive is that to go out and find work. Disability claiments should have to collect their benefit from a shelf above their heads. If they can reach it they are fit enough to fill supermarket shelves which they should be by next week.
Mike Easy, Norwich

I heard that knives gangs get up to £400 an hour to sharpen their knives!!!! It’s political correctness gone mad!!!??! Having said this, I am a little worried that this is all completely made up and that I’m such a gibbering puffin’s twat that I’ll believe anything as long as it broadly corresponds with my shrill hatred of everything that doesn’t make me richer, warmer or fatter.

Thanks to Abhishek for introducing me to this hateful, sweaty, bison muff. He actually talked about his “birthright” once, a word which always makes me think about steaming turds. “Your birthright sir? Ah, yes. It’s nearly ready for you, sir. Just a moment…. NNNNNNGGGG… I had a mixed grill for .. HHrrrrng.. breakfast… NNNNG.. AHHH. There you go, sir. Shall I pop it in a bag for you?”.

We, the British people, now face the very real prospect of becoming an ethnic minority in our own country within a few decades. The only way to stop this is to vote BNP. It’s that simple.
David Owen, Newport

IT’S THAT SIMPLE.

British nationality should be about blood and ancestry, not passing some silly test.
The sooner our laws are changed to reflect this, the better, in my opinion.
David Owen, Newport

I examined your blood and ancestry. Turns out you’re a rat snatch.

“Do we really want a Nazi state?
John Anson, Camelford, United Kingdom”

If that’s what it takes to put this country back on track, John, then the answer, I’m afraid, is yes.
David Owen, Newport

I note that Dr Williams suggested that we come to “an accommodation” with the Muslim community regarding Sharia law.

I seem to remember another prominent Briton, Neville Chamberlain, using the very same terminology with regard to his dealings with the Nazi’s.

Appeasement of a dangerous ideology didn’t work in 1939, and it won’t work now.
David Owen, Newport

Watching somebody this stupid attempt to construct a coherent, internally consistent, argument is a bit like watching a gorilla try to fashion a fully functional television set out of plums and rabbit tods.

Quite simple really, anyone in favour of drinking all hours needs to do a minimum of a week with the police patrols who have to deal with the drunken mayhem that happens as a result of the unrestrained drinking and only after that can they lend their support to 24 hours drinking.

Usual hand wringing liberal tosh, “freedom this and freedom that” while living in nice safe middle class areas and nowhere near the mess this policy creates.
Chumpy, London

YES! What we need is less freedom and a more authoritarian nanny state telling us when we can drink! No, hang on, what we need is LESS nanny state! So 24 hour drinking must be good! Damn. Hang on… right, yeah, we need a more liberal government who let everybody live their own way and don’t impose their beardy human rights on the rest of us. No, wait, I’ll get it in a minute… erm, we need a LESS liberal government because my Sky+ box told me that liberals are bad. WAIT! I GOT IT. We need to impose MY views on everybody because I’m a zebra’s cunt.

Thanks to Gareth for putting me onto this confused pterodactyl twat.

Typically your average criminal sits on the inside of his five star prison refusing to be tested for DNA on the grounds of “human rights”. It’s law abiding subjects who get punished. But that’s our great country for you. I wouldn’t go back there.
[BritSoldDownTheRiver]

I do wonder why some of you people don’t abandon your lives of toil and hardship and join the gravy train. Come on, get yourself down the dole office. After a short spell of raking in £50,000 a year for doing nothing, you can send your kids to private school. After that, you only need to murder a few women (prostitutes are best for this) to earn yourself a happy retirement in a 5-star prison. All this is within your grasp. Stop whining and put some fucking effort in.

Infringement of human rights? Gay rights, women’s rights, immigrants rights. What about OUR rights?
[BritSoldDownTheRiver]

Once again, you’re just not trying hard enough. You can’t very well change your ethnicity and changing your sex is probably a little extreme. You can, however, go gay RIGHT NOW! All those human rights are there waiting for you if you’d just suck another man’s cock.

No Matter How the Vote Turns Out, Mr Chavez does not plan to Lose,. He will either Steal the Election, Ignore the Vote and Declare Victory, or Blame the USA.
As if Hundreds of Thousands of College Students opposing hIm in One Rally after another are on the Payroll of the CIA and cannot Smell a Rat trying to Sieze Unlimited Power.
America wishes only the Best for the People of Venezula, Buena Suerte, Libertad…
Ronald Dubbs, Florida, United States

Every sentence in that was not merely “complete bollocks” but “deeply ironic complete bollocks”. You should have typed the words from “It’s Raining Men” instead. It would have seemed like you were just a bit odd rather than actively trying to convince everyone that you’re an idiot. Your opinions are worthless and you’re a halibut’s cunt.

Its simple, any female getting pregnant before the age of 16 should be forably sterilised and the pregnancy aborted. Any male getting a girl under the age of 16 pregnant should be castrated. That would certainly cause a bit more care to be taken.
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

If a foreign national does not act within the law, then that person, and all of their relatives should be deported – a sort of tarring with the same brush I know, but the background of people comes from their families.

The immigration rate in this country should be capped anyway, any law aimed at artificially increasing the number of jobs for ethnic minorities and foreign jobs should be repealed as well.
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

Over the new year period, a group of dark skinned lads decided to attack me with a golf club – now I have no idea why this was, but it happened. I went to the hospital and tried to get treated. It took them 4 days to get me into a bed and an operation to fix my broken jaw. Now I need pain killers but am told that I will have to go and buy them from a chemist. They haven’t fixed my broken teeth and I will have topay for that.

Question – Why then will the NHS care for foreigners but not me?
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

It’s because you’re a walrus minge.

This was a test to see if you could still feel sorry for Stuart by the time he got round to having his teeth smashed in with a golf club. I managed a small sympathetic twinge, scoring 2.3 SI sympathy units. For those not familiar with the scale, this is about the magnitude of the sympathy you’d feel if Robert Mugabe stubbed his toe.

About that thing that squeaks at teenagers. Thanks to Gary.

Liberty once again takes to the stage for their regular display of moral dressage. These fantasists make deliberate choices to promote the rights of a smaller group to infringe on the rights of a far larger. I accept that the the privations meeted out to kids who enjoy standing outside a kebab shop annoying people in their eyes at least is far greater than the small scale privation suffered by the rest of walking past them but in aggregate the greater good is wilfully ignored by Liberty.
Gerry, London

Everybody’s got a novel in them somewhere. Except Gerry.

I heard some woman on Radio 4 doing a piece about this. She wandered into some shop that had one of these high-pitched “anti-teen devices” outside and asked the chap in there “What about the kids’ human rights?” (obviously trying to get a nice sound bite, she might as well have asked “Do you give hand-jobs to paedos?”). The chap said something like “Oh tush! Human rights!”, but a bit more working class and without any consonants. It got me wondering, are the “anti human-rights brigade” ignorant or just monumentally selfish? After all, these are the first people to complain when their conveniences are slightly infringed, let alone their rights. I concluded that they’re just everyday selfish humans. It’s just that their horizons are so narrow they can’t see the danger of denying the rights of others whilst trying to hang on to their own. Like dogs sat under the table, aware of the gluttonous feast above but waiting, patient and obedient, for a dropped chicken bone over which they can fight to the death. Bat twats.

See? I’m back with a vengeance. Comedy gold to brighten up your day.

On the subject of the McDiploma.

ba ba ba buuuurrr, we ain’t lovin it!
[GlobalTemplar], Kingston upon Thames, United Kingdom

You’re a pigeon’s quim. Not a nice, countryside pigeon. One of those fucked up scraggy ones you see in town, with one and a half legs. The ones that look like they’ve spent three days solid out on the piss, lost a fight with a bigger pigeon and then been shat on by a poorly labrador. You’re that kind of pigeon’s fetid stinky quim and a witless bore to boot.