spEak You're bRanes

Update: In case it wasn’t clear, these are from the BBC complaints log.

Thanks once again to the renegade poster. D for damager. Power to the people. Not these people though. These people are a bunch of baggy hippo cunts.

RADIO 2 – CHRIS EVANS
“The show has been promoting European propaganda. The show used the term ‘metres’ in reference to height. This is E.U policy that does not exist within the UK.”

And they’re making garlic dildos and sauerkraut compulsory for pensioners.

A TASTE OF MY LIFE
“The chef on the programme stated that ‘a bog standard sponge would do’. He used the term ‘B.O.G standard’ incorrectly. ‘B.O.G standards’ means British or German standard, this goes back to WWI. Such errors should not be made on BBC programmes.”

Aha. This makes a lot of sense because British and German stuff was pretty much interchangeable at that time.

BBC NEWS CHANNEL
“I feel the BBC logo at the bottom of the screen on this channel could cause ‘screen burn’.”

And bedsores.

THE ONE SHOW
“Lloyd Grossman is a terrible guest to have on this programme. I have no interest in watching an item about food at 19:00 in the evening.”

Perhaps you should phone in your schedule in advance then? They’re not fucking psychic you know.

NEWSNIGHT REVIEW
“I think Kirsty Wark should have worn tights and her shoes did not match her dress.”

I think she should wear clown shoes, a wizard’s hat and some of those leather trousers with the arse missing.

I’ve got a raft of entries from this hilarious pig snatch. Although he (male I think) is a racist prick there’s also plenty of tragic comedy to be had in his consistently moronic posts. It all got even funnier when he mentioned that he’s 27 and suddenly my imagination dressed him in a bow-tie and had him listening to the musicals of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Here’s a first batch, concerning communism.

The UK should be very cautious of its ties with china until they abandon their archaic hold onto Communism (China, that is! Hard to tell who I mean with Labour in power, I know!) and continue to try and acquire Western military technology/data by surreptitious means.

I also will not listen to one more hypocritical word from this shower of a government with regards to “protecting the environment” and “green taxes” while they continue to encourage manufacturing in China.
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

I love the idea of those sneaky Chinese peasants (with their bamboo trousers and hats made of rice) trying to sneakily steal all our brilliant technology and data. Any day now they’ll acquire the recipe for gun powder and THEN WHERE WILL WE BE?

But how slender does your grasp of politics and history have to be in order to think our government is communist? I guess it’s possible that he actually has a really solid grasp but has had his head wedged in some railings since 1993 and gets all his news third hand from his mum. She feeds him mashed up banana with a spoon and then tells him stories about the evil red threat and how it’s safest if he stays here, wedged between the bars with mummy, until Elrond has defeated Gordon Brown.

“Mr Brown should be ashamed that he has allowed his position as PM of this country to be used by a ruthless communist regeime.
Mark, Hednesford“

As I have been saying for many years now, the Labour party are merely Communists in disguise.
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

It’s a VERY fucking good disguise.

Is this the beginnings of Cold War 2? Let’s hope so… it’s just the shake-up that Britain needs.

A call to arms will soon sort the wheat from the chaff. Or should I say the willing from the chavs?
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

What sort of hippo’s cock actually thinks a war would be good way to have a “shake-up”? The sort of startlingly misinformed Young Conservative who thinks the Cold War was actually a war, that’s who. We should round up all these sabre rattling idiots, give them guns and put them on opposite sides of a big field and shout “Go!”. Part of me hopes that they’d kill each other but it seems more likely that they’d hide in a ditch and wet themselves instead (to be fair, this is by far the sanest response and I suspect a great deal of army training is based around overcoming this instinct).

I’ve got loads more from him. Most of these prats post 10 boring racist rants for every comedy gem but this cunt is accidentally hilarious almost every time.

What tests should immigrants face?

Question 1: Are you a Muslim?
If yes to Q1 then finish questionnaire, you are rejected, return to the Middle East, do not pass go!
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

I hope you grow a dog’s cunt where your eye should be.

Is the new car-share lane a good thing?

Update: I changed this one slightly because somebody wanted me to and I do everything I’m told.

It costs me Over £100 in road tax every year, it also costs me nearly £1000 in fuel tax per year (estimated). If I wanted to drive into London, which I don’t, there would be another £20 charge each day, there is VAT on the cost of buying the vehicle, and on services and MOT;s. I must have insurance, but the government tax that as well. So tell me now, as I pay all of this money to obtain the freedom to drive, why should I have that freedom reduced in any way?
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

Yeah! You used to be able to park for free all round town. Now you have to pay! You used to be able to drink a stimulating G&T while you were driving but then the “PC Brigade” stopped that. You used to be able to enslave black people and make them pick your cotton but now you have to STOP AT ZEBRA CROSSINGS FOR THEM!

Why should you have your freedoms reduced when you are, quite obviously, more important than other people??

Maybe it’s because you’re a poorly sheep’s cunt.

An old one from Nerys. Nearly didn’t manage to post this today because DreamHost have been utterly shite and this site’s been down (along with thousands of others). Slug slots.

Its about time all free handouts were discontinued. We have streets covered in chewing gum, municipal gardens unkept and we have a social system that gives alcoholics £20 extra per day for booze, persistant gamblers up to £60 per day to feed slot machines. What incentive is that to go out and find work. Disability claiments should have to collect their benefit from a shelf above their heads. If they can reach it they are fit enough to fill supermarket shelves which they should be by next week.
Mike Easy, Norwich

I heard that knives gangs get up to £400 an hour to sharpen their knives!!!! It’s political correctness gone mad!!!??! Having said this, I am a little worried that this is all completely made up and that I’m such a gibbering puffin’s twat that I’ll believe anything as long as it broadly corresponds with my shrill hatred of everything that doesn’t make me richer, warmer or fatter.

Thanks to Abhishek for introducing me to this hateful, sweaty, bison muff. He actually talked about his “birthright” once, a word which always makes me think about steaming turds. “Your birthright sir? Ah, yes. It’s nearly ready for you, sir. Just a moment…. NNNNNNGGGG… I had a mixed grill for .. HHrrrrng.. breakfast… NNNNG.. AHHH. There you go, sir. Shall I pop it in a bag for you?”.

We, the British people, now face the very real prospect of becoming an ethnic minority in our own country within a few decades. The only way to stop this is to vote BNP. It’s that simple.
David Owen, Newport

IT’S THAT SIMPLE.

British nationality should be about blood and ancestry, not passing some silly test.
The sooner our laws are changed to reflect this, the better, in my opinion.
David Owen, Newport

I examined your blood and ancestry. Turns out you’re a rat snatch.

“Do we really want a Nazi state?
John Anson, Camelford, United Kingdom”

If that’s what it takes to put this country back on track, John, then the answer, I’m afraid, is yes.
David Owen, Newport

I note that Dr Williams suggested that we come to “an accommodation” with the Muslim community regarding Sharia law.

I seem to remember another prominent Briton, Neville Chamberlain, using the very same terminology with regard to his dealings with the Nazi’s.

Appeasement of a dangerous ideology didn’t work in 1939, and it won’t work now.
David Owen, Newport

Watching somebody this stupid attempt to construct a coherent, internally consistent, argument is a bit like watching a gorilla try to fashion a fully functional television set out of plums and rabbit tods.

Quite simple really, anyone in favour of drinking all hours needs to do a minimum of a week with the police patrols who have to deal with the drunken mayhem that happens as a result of the unrestrained drinking and only after that can they lend their support to 24 hours drinking.

Usual hand wringing liberal tosh, “freedom this and freedom that” while living in nice safe middle class areas and nowhere near the mess this policy creates.
Chumpy, London

YES! What we need is less freedom and a more authoritarian nanny state telling us when we can drink! No, hang on, what we need is LESS nanny state! So 24 hour drinking must be good! Damn. Hang on… right, yeah, we need a more liberal government who let everybody live their own way and don’t impose their beardy human rights on the rest of us. No, wait, I’ll get it in a minute… erm, we need a LESS liberal government because my Sky+ box told me that liberals are bad. WAIT! I GOT IT. We need to impose MY views on everybody because I’m a zebra’s cunt.

Thanks to Gareth for putting me onto this confused pterodactyl twat.

Typically your average criminal sits on the inside of his five star prison refusing to be tested for DNA on the grounds of “human rights”. It’s law abiding subjects who get punished. But that’s our great country for you. I wouldn’t go back there.
[BritSoldDownTheRiver]

I do wonder why some of you people don’t abandon your lives of toil and hardship and join the gravy train. Come on, get yourself down the dole office. After a short spell of raking in £50,000 a year for doing nothing, you can send your kids to private school. After that, you only need to murder a few women (prostitutes are best for this) to earn yourself a happy retirement in a 5-star prison. All this is within your grasp. Stop whining and put some fucking effort in.

Infringement of human rights? Gay rights, women’s rights, immigrants rights. What about OUR rights?
[BritSoldDownTheRiver]

Once again, you’re just not trying hard enough. You can’t very well change your ethnicity and changing your sex is probably a little extreme. You can, however, go gay RIGHT NOW! All those human rights are there waiting for you if you’d just suck another man’s cock.

No Matter How the Vote Turns Out, Mr Chavez does not plan to Lose,. He will either Steal the Election, Ignore the Vote and Declare Victory, or Blame the USA.
As if Hundreds of Thousands of College Students opposing hIm in One Rally after another are on the Payroll of the CIA and cannot Smell a Rat trying to Sieze Unlimited Power.
America wishes only the Best for the People of Venezula, Buena Suerte, Libertad…
Ronald Dubbs, Florida, United States

Every sentence in that was not merely “complete bollocks” but “deeply ironic complete bollocks”. You should have typed the words from “It’s Raining Men” instead. It would have seemed like you were just a bit odd rather than actively trying to convince everyone that you’re an idiot. Your opinions are worthless and you’re a halibut’s cunt.

Its simple, any female getting pregnant before the age of 16 should be forably sterilised and the pregnancy aborted. Any male getting a girl under the age of 16 pregnant should be castrated. That would certainly cause a bit more care to be taken.
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

If a foreign national does not act within the law, then that person, and all of their relatives should be deported – a sort of tarring with the same brush I know, but the background of people comes from their families.

The immigration rate in this country should be capped anyway, any law aimed at artificially increasing the number of jobs for ethnic minorities and foreign jobs should be repealed as well.
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

Over the new year period, a group of dark skinned lads decided to attack me with a golf club – now I have no idea why this was, but it happened. I went to the hospital and tried to get treated. It took them 4 days to get me into a bed and an operation to fix my broken jaw. Now I need pain killers but am told that I will have to go and buy them from a chemist. They haven’t fixed my broken teeth and I will have topay for that.

Question – Why then will the NHS care for foreigners but not me?
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

It’s because you’re a walrus minge.

This was a test to see if you could still feel sorry for Stuart by the time he got round to having his teeth smashed in with a golf club. I managed a small sympathetic twinge, scoring 2.3 SI sympathy units. For those not familiar with the scale, this is about the magnitude of the sympathy you’d feel if Robert Mugabe stubbed his toe.