spEak You're bRanes

Its simple, any female getting pregnant before the age of 16 should be forably sterilised and the pregnancy aborted. Any male getting a girl under the age of 16 pregnant should be castrated. That would certainly cause a bit more care to be taken.
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

If a foreign national does not act within the law, then that person, and all of their relatives should be deported – a sort of tarring with the same brush I know, but the background of people comes from their families.

The immigration rate in this country should be capped anyway, any law aimed at artificially increasing the number of jobs for ethnic minorities and foreign jobs should be repealed as well.
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

Over the new year period, a group of dark skinned lads decided to attack me with a golf club – now I have no idea why this was, but it happened. I went to the hospital and tried to get treated. It took them 4 days to get me into a bed and an operation to fix my broken jaw. Now I need pain killers but am told that I will have to go and buy them from a chemist. They haven’t fixed my broken teeth and I will have topay for that.

Question – Why then will the NHS care for foreigners but not me?
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

It’s because you’re a walrus minge.

This was a test to see if you could still feel sorry for Stuart by the time he got round to having his teeth smashed in with a golf club. I managed a small sympathetic twinge, scoring 2.3 SI sympathy units. For those not familiar with the scale, this is about the magnitude of the sympathy you’d feel if Robert Mugabe stubbed his toe.

About that thing that squeaks at teenagers. Thanks to Gary.

Liberty once again takes to the stage for their regular display of moral dressage. These fantasists make deliberate choices to promote the rights of a smaller group to infringe on the rights of a far larger. I accept that the the privations meeted out to kids who enjoy standing outside a kebab shop annoying people in their eyes at least is far greater than the small scale privation suffered by the rest of walking past them but in aggregate the greater good is wilfully ignored by Liberty.
Gerry, London

Everybody’s got a novel in them somewhere. Except Gerry.

I heard some woman on Radio 4 doing a piece about this. She wandered into some shop that had one of these high-pitched “anti-teen devices” outside and asked the chap in there “What about the kids’ human rights?” (obviously trying to get a nice sound bite, she might as well have asked “Do you give hand-jobs to paedos?”). The chap said something like “Oh tush! Human rights!”, but a bit more working class and without any consonants. It got me wondering, are the “anti human-rights brigade” ignorant or just monumentally selfish? After all, these are the first people to complain when their conveniences are slightly infringed, let alone their rights. I concluded that they’re just everyday selfish humans. It’s just that their horizons are so narrow they can’t see the danger of denying the rights of others whilst trying to hang on to their own. Like dogs sat under the table, aware of the gluttonous feast above but waiting, patient and obedient, for a dropped chicken bone over which they can fight to the death. Bat twats.

See? I’m back with a vengeance. Comedy gold to brighten up your day.

On the subject of the McDiploma.

ba ba ba buuuurrr, we ain’t lovin it!
[GlobalTemplar], Kingston upon Thames, United Kingdom

You’re a pigeon’s quim. Not a nice, countryside pigeon. One of those fucked up scraggy ones you see in town, with one and a half legs. The ones that look like they’ve spent three days solid out on the piss, lost a fight with a bigger pigeon and then been shat on by a poorly labrador. You’re that kind of pigeon’s fetid stinky quim and a witless bore to boot.

Is the army overloaded?

The armed forces are currently smaller than they have been for several hundered years.

The armed forces overseas commitments are currently larger than they have been for many years.

What do you think?
[UglyJohn]

I think you’re a seagull’s minge.

Yet another round of self adoration and mutual congratulation.

Unfortunately, this rodomontade will keep a decent programme off the television.
Atom John, Derby

Got a new thesaurus? You’re a cat’s cunt.

I’ve decided to introduce a new regular feature. I’m calling it “Animal Fanny Tuesday”. I expect I’ll also include gonads and penises at some point. Maybe even later today.

No worthwhile directorships for anyone likely at Farepak last year.
This time around it is a bank – and a non-executive post at a bank would be a nice little earner.
Am I a cynic?
Lord Zakspade of Elbonia

No. You’re a horse’s vagina.