spEak You're bRanes

Something about war.

“Declaration of war by Great Britain was not followed up with any military actions against Germany. Poland was abandoned by its allies…Why do we always say that Great Britain declared the war on Germany if it sat still and did not help its friend?
Marcin, Hartford, CT”

The fact is, we could not defend Poland as it was too far away, across hostile territory and we didn’t have the means. If wishes were horses, eh?
potato lord, cardiff

You’d have shit horses.

Germany was victorious in the war declared by Britain because she inflicted more harm compared to what she incurred.
wodgot, uk

Britain lost 400,000 in WW2. Germany lost between 6-8 million. The famous Luftwaffe raid on Coventry killed 800. At Hamburg the RAF killed 40,000 and at Dresden possibly 100,000. By the end of the war every major German city was reduced to cinders and their country occupied for 50 years. Germany lost very badly indeed.
[Peter_Sym], Nottingham

I made you a t-shirt.

Jamie found this one on Afghanistan:

No modern human army, navy or air force can win this war as they are fighting animals who like chamelians can disappear at will and reappear in a different place in different numbers with full gorrilla tendencies. They are being trained in our own country and seem to have far greater resources than the British fighting forces. GB is making them go into battle with 1 arm tied behind their backs-right equipment & vehicles denied. Bring them home while we still can.
Margaret Hart, Redcar, United Kingdom

Why didn’t Bush take into account those mystic Afghans and their Taliban super-powers? Now we’re stuck fighting magical shape-shifting animals with the camouflage powers of a chameleon, the strength, tree-swinging ability and hit-and-run tactics of a gorilla, the teleportation powers of an octopus and the constantly-varying numbers of a swarm of killer bees of indeterminate size. Meanwhile our troops have the missing arm of a spider caught under a glass, and the equipment shortages of a poorly-funded wallaby. You’re right Margaret, I don’t know how we’re going to win this.

Shockingly, a court has ruled that soldiers are humans.

why dont we just bring all the troops home, and keep out of all conflicts.seems now people can join the forces so long as they dont get hurt.I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life,and I am ex RN.Soon they wont be able to shoot anybody as it will be against the enemies human rights
trev devenish, grantham

Who on earth would want to live in a world like that? This human rights legislation certainly has a lot to answer for.

Thanks to Nathan. On pirates:

meet them with overwhelming force.thats the only thing they will understand invade somalia,turn the pirate bases to lava after giving a warning to the people to leave

donald bastle, grand rapids

Call me a hand-wringing liberal, but I’m still concerned about the effect of lava on members of the civilian population who may be unable to flee, not to mention the indigenous flora and fauna. It would also damage the local economy irreparably, most likely pushing more people into piracy as it becomes their only escape from poverty. Perhaps we should just use ice magic to freeze the pirates and then levitate the civilians to safety.

Found this on the Telegraph website. Do you ever fantasise about power? Do you ever picture yourself as a God, life and death at your fingertips, as you pour boiling water on an anthill and then sprinkle a bounty of sugar for the lucky survivors? Do you imagine puny little beings cowering before your brutal justice, but not ants this time, not ants but human beings screaming with terrified awe? And then do you ever think that’s not nearly enough?

debunker
At the end of WW2 the A bomb was dropped on two japanese cities to avoid a land invasion that could have taken ww2 another 5 years or more and killed millions of soldiers in the process. It worked, and we never heard a peep out of the japanese ever again.

If ever there was a place in the world that deserved the same treatment it’s the middle east.

This got me thinking about what other regions of the world deserve what. I mean, who could argue that Latin America really deserved the strife, the death squads, the coups, the kidnappings and the union busting? On the other hand, Eastern Europe surely deserves a medal for the past sixty years. Should East Anglia get a bonus this quarter? What are we going to do about Belgium? And of course there’s – wait, just a second – HEY YOU! YES YOU! HORN OF AFRICA! Listen to me young lady, if you think you’re going out dressed like that. Jesus woman. Look at the state of you, your ass all hanging out. Put some clothes on it if you respect yourself! No I’m not joking. Look at my face, do I look like I’m joking? And you won’t get any pudding, Bavaria, unless you eat your vegetables.

Thanks to “skunkpussy”. Our old friend Joy Pattinson is still tapping away gamely at her keyboard. I’m starting to hear her posts in the voice of Ann Widdecombe.

It’s about the pirates again.

The simplest method would be to use helicopter gunships! Scare them out of the waters and with night vision attached, it should be an easy task to trace them and attack if they ignore warnings. No time should be wasted as lives are being lost of people innocently sailing. Sending warships is ridiculous as they take far too long to reach the vicinity and surprise is of the essence here.
Joy Pattinson, Switzerland

I was going to point out that posting your plan on the internet ruins the element of surprise. Then I thought about it a bit harder and realised that, if the Chief Army Generals start paying attention to the hatstand witterings of bints on the internet, the Somali pirates, along with everyone else in the world, are going to be extremely fucking surprised.

What can we do about Somali pirates? Remember that, due to a prolonged civil war, Somalia’s national government is essentially non-existent in any practical sense. So it can hardly say it’s too busy to tackle piracy, and is therefore actively supporting piracy by passively standing around being nothing. We clearly need to pull out the BIG guns, find LONG term solutions and take a HARD line on this, but, impotent in the face of political correctness, the spineless BBC is only letting through limp do-gooders’ suggestions to go soft on Somalians.

Hanging pirates and leaving their bodies on display in various seaway points seemed to do the trick last time we had this issue.

Tony Sweeting, Leicester, United Kingdom

DOES ANYONE HAVE A LARGER PENIS THAN TONY SWEETING?

Simple, draw a “line” in the sea and inform Somalia that ANY boat from there that crosses the line, will automatically be sunk.

Yes, this will be hard on the poor unfortunate fisherman, people of Somalia, etc. They have my full sympathy.

But we do not tolerate other states (e.g. North Korea) sponsoring terrorism or committing criminal behavior and we enforce actions/sanctions there without concern for the citizens, why should we do different for Somalia.

Michael Begley, Stockholm

Compromise might yield some short-term results Michael, but in the long term appeasement only makes us look weak.

Close their home ports. All of them. Then sink all of their vessels at sea or not.

Lou, Baltimore

Pussy.

So they’ve captured an American ship and a British ship?

Here is an idea, lets deploy a regiment of heavily armed SAS Troopers, a few dozen Royal Marine Commandos, a handful of Navy Seals and lets say an aircraft carrier, 3 dozen harriers and a nuclear submarine or two to the area.

Then, if they hijack our ships we should kill the lot of them and then pursue a policy of nuclear disarmament – by getting rid of our trident missiles by firing them at the pirate’s Somalian home ports.

Mark Randall, His own little world, United Kingdom

I know you mean well, but you can’t just mollycoddle pirates.

You’ve heard of NATO and you probably remember that “so ronely” chap from Team America so I reckon you’re about ready to launch your diplomatic career.

Now then, here’s an easy one to start off with. “What response to North Korea?”

The world reaction to North Korea’s provocation will be to do what it always does when tyrants provoke: speak loudly and carry a small stick.
Gary, Japan

You hear that Mr Obama? You can keep shouting all you like but nobody’s going to listen while you insist on carrying a ridiculously tiny stick. You look like Harry fucking Potter, waving that thing around.

GET A BIGGER STICK.

Japan, the US, South Korea and other concerned nations in the area should, of course, carefully watch any such launch and be prepared to deal with any erratic behavior–but they should be quiet about it. North Korea likes to seek attention, like a spoiled brat. It’s best to just ignore their proclamations and attention-seeking behavior. In other words, carry a big stick, but speak softly and close your ears. Constantly responding in angry tones to each NK action is counter-productive.
Derek Kelly, Aberdeen, United States

Now we’re getting somewhere. Soft-spoken but with a massive stick. I’m thinking maybe Yoda? He’s got a linguistic advantage too, as he speaks a bit foreign.

We have been too softly softly. now it’s time to use a big stick as these fools are just pushing the line too far …

The only way to win is to make them crumble from inside ….
[POLARIS69], Kent, United Kingdom

You’d need exactly the right kind of stick to make them crumble from the inside. So, while your idea is very good, to be honest you’re just restating the central question: “Which stick?”.

From military point of view “nuclear N Korea” is a fiddlestick – [... goes on for some time ...]
Anton Cheglov, Auckland, New Zealand

That’s the WRONG KIND OF STICK. Idiot.

hmmm.. carrots or sticks. North Koren’s want more carrots, yet use the biggest sticks in their arsenal in an atempt to get their
way.

Obama needs to tell KJ where to he can stick those carrots.
Tim Proctor

What do you mean “carrots or sticks”?? It’s fucking sticks alright???

You dick.

Jesus.

This reminds me of when adult smokers tell kids not to smoke. N. Korea’s being an immature punk, saying (with their action) “we’ll do what we wanna do”. The reality is, they shouldn’t have to explain, sure they can get away with it. But what do they actually have to say about it? Communications? We should send them a bag of balloons with a card that says “here, blow these up.” If they laugh at the joke, the courier gets to slap them in the face. This hand could be ugly, I say test them back.
Charles, Jersey City, NJ

Perhaps you’re right. We were getting a bit too obsessed with the sticks. We should send Inspector Clouseau to deliver a bomb disguised as a cake.

Thanks to Madhura.

“Did you switch off your lights?” (for “Earth Hour”).

You ever noticed that the people who want us to make-do-and-mend, put a brick in the toilet cistern, and save electricity are the same generation who grew up with rationing etc?
My theory is that they hit middle age, started pining for the “Good Old Days” of their youth, and became determined to make the rest of us share the experience, whether we want to or not!
the_historian, Stirling, UK

Well, my historian friend, you’re probably a little too young to remember when Claudius invaded but people pining for the “Good Old Days” of Roman occupation was actually one of the primary causes of WWII. And if you think the WWII lot are bad now they’ve reached middle-age, just wait until that “free love and flower power” bunch hit forty in 2025.

Madhura found this next one in “Has Obama got his Afghan strategy right?“. I’m a little worried that we, as a nation, allow minds this bright to be wasted on “Have Your Say”. I just hope that the Top General From The Army is reading this!

It works best if you imagine it as a voiceover at the start of an episode, doing the “Previously in Afghanistan…” summary.

Obama is worried that the ppl of SWAT valley support the taliban and the pak govt suports limited autonomy of taliban. outwardly zardari hates the taliban to please USA but inwardly he tolerates them. this is a dangerous game. The taliban are unworried by this, if they are killed in any mumber they are martyrs. US/UK troops describe taliban soldiers as not afraid of DEATH at all. So unless pakistan is ocupied fully or partially by USA Obama will not succeed.
ALLAM, Luton

And for a fun challenge, see how many times you have to read it before you can keep a straight face through the bit that goes “this is a dangerous game”.

Thanks to Tom.

From reading “Have Your Say” is it evident to me that most people in the world hate the US and all we stand for. Therefore, I say we withdraw our military forces from all overseas bases and deployed areas. Futhermore, we withdraw from the UN, especially all financial aid. But, our limp president is all talk. He is more concerned about wasting honest workers tax dollars than doing what is best for the people, land, and nation.
Old Soldier, TC USA

You can’t just withdraw ALL military forces overnight and expect the rest of the world to cope, you selfish shithead. Perhaps you could burn a few of their kids and leave behind some mines and unexploded cluster bombs to help them slowly aclimatise?