spEak You're bRanes

“What are your memories of the tsunami?” was refreshingly free of inane self-obsessed grumbling, idiotic pet theories or attempts to hammer the Nick Griffin into every possible debate. Still, there’s always good old surreal weirdness.

Please note that there is a technology to create and/or enhance any kind of “natural” disaster…

Tibor TK, Neuss

It’s like a hand-blender, but nuclear. You just stick it in the sea or the Earth’s molten core and you’re away.

I watched that ugly incident live on the screen and it has left me with a strong belief that the world is about to come to an end. I don’t think anybody is safe with that kind catastrophy similar to that which prompted Noah to build an ARK.

wodgot, uk

It’s a scary thought, but you know what’s scarier? Just the other day, I was watching David Attenborough and I saw a fucking COBRA on the screen. What if God sends a massive cobra to destroy the world this time? Best you build a giant wooden mongoose as well, just to be sure.

It certainly cut down on the amount of piracy in the south China seas area for a while. Sad that so many innocents died along with the pirates.

Paul, Sapcote

Like they say, every cloud has a silver lining. Maybe you should give Tibor a ring and the two of you could get yourselves down to Somalia with his gadget. Sorted.

Now then. What with all this “news” and shit going on, some of you may have missed Richard Thomspon’s decision to appoint Richard Thompson as the American Ambassador to Have Your Say.

The way everyone’s going all up in a tissy over some inches of snow, one would think the four horsemen of the Apocalypse are wreaking havoc over Europe. And these are the same people that lectured us how we couldn’t handle something as powerful as hurricane Katrina?
Richard Thompson, Cape Coral, United States

Yeah, those people! Those damn people who lectured you about Katrina! Bah! I’m imagining them right now. They really are the worst imaginary fuckers I’ve ever imagined. One of them has got a very dirty bottom. Gah.

As I’m sure you’re aware, an American Ambassador’s job mainly involves “explaining WWII” to Europe. Thompson certainly doesn’t shirk this duty.

“Europe is a safer place without the US.”
ste, liverpool

Every time the US left Europe fend for herself, a world war broke out. That’s some safe place.
Richard Thompson, Cape Coral, United States

“Special relationship??? Do me a favour. They only joined WW2 when they got attacked, and then made us re-pay for the next 60+ years for “helping us out”. Some friend eh???”
Mark, Leigh, Lancs

You could be my best friend in the whole wide world, but if I lend you money so that you get out of a big mess, I expect you to pay me back. “Some friend” should apply to those who whine to pay back what they BORROWED. We are not a charity and we didn’t twist your arm to sign lend lease program.
Richard Thompson, Cape Coral, United States

You’re good at this Ambassador stuff. I do wonder if you’re really speaking on behalf of Americans though.

“Dear BBC,
I am so sorry for the death of Senator Edward Kennedy of the USA. I extend my Sympathy to the American Government for the death of that great hero.”
Bob G. Smith, Buchanan, Liberia

My deepest thanks to you and everyone else for your kind words on behalf of Americans.

And to some of our “friends and allies” here speaking ill of the dead, what a classless sad bunch of venomous snakes you are.

*My apologies to venomous snakes everywhere for the insult.
Richard Thompson, Cape Coral, United States

Oh. Apparently you are speaking on behalf of Americans. Sorry Richard, I stand corrected. I hadn’t realised that all 300 million of you were rubbish cocks*.

*My apologies to rubbish cocks everywhere for the insult.

I’m beginning to think that your diplomatic skills are wasted on mere Ambassadology. Perhaps it’s time you started thinking about your next role? Everyone’s awful confused about climate change right now and Have Your Say sorely needs a straight-taking Massive Chief Scientist who’ll share his inklings about that shit.

We’ve decided to divvy up the gay execution thread, just because there is so much fail of so many sorts to go round.

These people are just human beings like any other. The only difference is they choose to live a different kind of life. We should not discriminate them from others. They have the same rights like every body else. Such laws are very retrogresive and create acrimony for nothing. We should learn to have respect and appreciate other persons lifestyle. We can not all have the same lifestyle. The way we differ in appearance is the same way we differ in thinking.

AUBREY CHINDEFU, LUSAKA ZAMBIA

Aside from minor typos and the fact that it’d do as much good to the world if Aubrey Chindefu had drawn a picture of a walrus on the screen in marker pen, this is an intelligent, reasoned and eloquent comment. I even had to look up ‘acrimony’ and I’m like, really clever. It reminds us, if we needed reminding, that Africa is a huge and diverse place, and the gulfs of opinion can be as wide between two next-door neighbours as they can between Cape Town and Tripoli. Of course, at the close of play, this had all of 3 recommendations because, on the subject of whether Africans should be killing Africans for having the wrong bum-sex with Africans, HYSers aren’t really interested in the African perspective. Not when they could be telling savage, childlike foreigners what to do, anyway.

Are they serious? Seriously? When the rest of the world is trying so hard to recognise Africa as civilized, why do they have to shoot themselves in the foot like this?

licoriceallsorts, candyland

You fucking idiot Africa.

What a barbaric and ignorant proposition. If Africa wants help from the west then I see no reason why we should not attatch some cultural conditions to that aid.

Killing someone because of a personal and private choice is medieval and reflects the emotional immaturity of African socieities. The West needs to stand firm against rubbish like this. If Ugandans want to oppress minorities with death threats then they can ask the Chinese for billions in aid instead, and see how far they get.

A shocked gay man, uk

I understand you’re shocked, shocked gay man, but do you really think stopping Africa’s pocket money will help? With something as extreme as executing gays it should be a simple case of “grow up or get a smacked botty”.

“Nations do not have a right to execute homosexuals,”

Yes they do. They can kill whoever they want. Fortunately we have bigger guns than them, and should currently be sabre rattling.

Matt, Manchester

Hang on Matt, surely a sabre’s a bit excessive. Maybe just pull Uganda’s pants down and use the flat of your hand. Or bomb it from the skies a bit, whichever works for you.

This is a difficult situation to comment on because, as a white person, I know I should be polite when I talk about black people, mindful of 100s of years of European oppression.

But, while generally respecting black people as a race and a culture, I can only describe the Ugandan politicians who are supporting this bill as primitive, superstitious barbarians.

I hope all the decent Ugandans do not allow their country to become synonymous with violent stupidity. Reject this bill

Rocket Scientist

Congratulations. You’re like, the least racist person on HYS. In fact, I’ve made you a special plaque in the form of a very small swastika.

I’m going to end on another sensible comment because we need to remain positive in the face of such massive, massive bollocks. It works best if you picture Ibraheem Hameed as the scatty but amiable vicar of a small country parish, haring into the church and vaulting onto the pulpit to gabble this short comment at breakneck speed, before dashing off to be somewhere else ten minutes ago and leaving his glasses behind.

Death penalty or whichever kind of sanction it may be for homosexual act, the poor masses suffer from it. It is not an act of murder or it like therefore, let them do what they think is good for them. For all of us are sinners.

Ibraheem Hameed, Khartoum

Cast first stone. Forgiveness. Amen. A sermon for the twitter generation.

You’re the captain of a Royal Navy tanker. You see a British couple being kidnapped by Somali pirates. You crew isn’t trained for such a situation, and wouldn’t be able to attack anyway without putting the couple in danger. What do you do? According to the comments on this MSN thread, you KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL!

And, with the same cavalier disregard for relevance as you’d have for the safety of the innocent, you might also sieze the opportunity to do yet another stream-of-consciousness belch about Everything That Is Wrong With This Country, right in the internet’s face. Thanks to Pete.

Like the rest of this country under Gordon Brown the Royal Navy is hide bound by stupid health and safety regulations. Bring back Vian and the cry ‘The Navy’s here’ when they boarded the Altmark in Norwegian waters to rescue the British prisoners held aboard her.
Phil Adwick

Fucking Gordon Brown, can’t stop messing around with the Royal Navy, constantly wandering into their headquarters at three in the morning, naked but for a pair of socks and a floral hat, waving around pieces of paper with yet more stupid health and safety regulations on them, stupid health and safety regulations such as:

• Don’t fire on civilians!
• Try not to endanger the lives of civilians!
• Don’t kill civilians! Especially when trying to rescue them!

Something must be done to halt these blatant acts of piracy. As an ex military man my response would be to destroy every craft on the Somali shoreline and every craft on the South Yemen shoreline if they support these criminals. If that proves insufficient then level Somalia to glass, leave nothing. They think life is cheap….then let us make theirs so.
Lurcher

That dishonourable discharge still rankles, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately the lawyers run the asylum, where people in authority know it is better to play safe than act. Nobody will sack the captain (teacher, policeman, doctor, electrician) for doing nothing. It’s doing something which leaves you vulnerable to the blood sucking lawyers and the judges. Judges who claim their judgements seem ridiculous but ‘their hands are tied’. Kids sue teachers, yobs sue anyone who intervenes, burglars sue the home owner. Captains of Navy ships would rather see an old couple be dragged off by ruthless pirates than risk making a mistake. And I’d have done the same. Britain is in a hell of a mess, getting worse each generation.
wshrtbe

I think washitterbee must keep this comment on a text file somewhere, and just copies it into any thread he/she/it blunders into, with some token reference to the actual topic clumsily stapled to its balls.

But there’s an interesting twist. Check out the admisson that: “I’d have done the same”. I think this basically translates as: “this country is a massive shitbasket of cowardice and opportunism, and I’m as much to blame as anybody. When is someone else going to come and make it better again?”

Well, we were waiting for you to sort it, wooshtibrubber. But you let us down and now we want blood. You might’ve heard a knock at the door just now – that’s the Royal Navy come to blow your face off with a massive battleship on wheels. Apparently you’re exempt under the stupid health and safety regulations.

Blah blah missile defence.

Those of you who bash the US constantly for being “warmongers” would be wise to remember the last two times our country was asked to step in a save your bacon. The kind of resentment seen from some in Europe resembles that of a spoiled child who hates Daddy, even though all the child has, in some way or another, he owes to Daddy’s sacrifices in the past. War is never going to end – it is an unfortunate part of human nature. So show some respect to those who have the power to rescue you…
Dave, Pittsburgh

Right, I’m off on holiday for a couple of weeks. Bye.

Something about war.

“Declaration of war by Great Britain was not followed up with any military actions against Germany. Poland was abandoned by its allies…Why do we always say that Great Britain declared the war on Germany if it sat still and did not help its friend?
Marcin, Hartford, CT”

The fact is, we could not defend Poland as it was too far away, across hostile territory and we didn’t have the means. If wishes were horses, eh?
potato lord, cardiff

You’d have shit horses.

Germany was victorious in the war declared by Britain because she inflicted more harm compared to what she incurred.
wodgot, uk

Britain lost 400,000 in WW2. Germany lost between 6-8 million. The famous Luftwaffe raid on Coventry killed 800. At Hamburg the RAF killed 40,000 and at Dresden possibly 100,000. By the end of the war every major German city was reduced to cinders and their country occupied for 50 years. Germany lost very badly indeed.
[Peter_Sym], Nottingham

I made you a t-shirt.

Jamie found this one on Afghanistan:

No modern human army, navy or air force can win this war as they are fighting animals who like chamelians can disappear at will and reappear in a different place in different numbers with full gorrilla tendencies. They are being trained in our own country and seem to have far greater resources than the British fighting forces. GB is making them go into battle with 1 arm tied behind their backs-right equipment & vehicles denied. Bring them home while we still can.
Margaret Hart, Redcar, United Kingdom

Why didn’t Bush take into account those mystic Afghans and their Taliban super-powers? Now we’re stuck fighting magical shape-shifting animals with the camouflage powers of a chameleon, the strength, tree-swinging ability and hit-and-run tactics of a gorilla, the teleportation powers of an octopus and the constantly-varying numbers of a swarm of killer bees of indeterminate size. Meanwhile our troops have the missing arm of a spider caught under a glass, and the equipment shortages of a poorly-funded wallaby. You’re right Margaret, I don’t know how we’re going to win this.

Shockingly, a court has ruled that soldiers are humans.

why dont we just bring all the troops home, and keep out of all conflicts.seems now people can join the forces so long as they dont get hurt.I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life,and I am ex RN.Soon they wont be able to shoot anybody as it will be against the enemies human rights
trev devenish, grantham

Who on earth would want to live in a world like that? This human rights legislation certainly has a lot to answer for.

Thanks to Nathan. On pirates:

meet them with overwhelming force.thats the only thing they will understand invade somalia,turn the pirate bases to lava after giving a warning to the people to leave

donald bastle, grand rapids

Call me a hand-wringing liberal, but I’m still concerned about the effect of lava on members of the civilian population who may be unable to flee, not to mention the indigenous flora and fauna. It would also damage the local economy irreparably, most likely pushing more people into piracy as it becomes their only escape from poverty. Perhaps we should just use ice magic to freeze the pirates and then levitate the civilians to safety.

Found this on the Telegraph website. Do you ever fantasise about power? Do you ever picture yourself as a God, life and death at your fingertips, as you pour boiling water on an anthill and then sprinkle a bounty of sugar for the lucky survivors? Do you imagine puny little beings cowering before your brutal justice, but not ants this time, not ants but human beings screaming with terrified awe? And then do you ever think that’s not nearly enough?

debunker
At the end of WW2 the A bomb was dropped on two japanese cities to avoid a land invasion that could have taken ww2 another 5 years or more and killed millions of soldiers in the process. It worked, and we never heard a peep out of the japanese ever again.

If ever there was a place in the world that deserved the same treatment it’s the middle east.

This got me thinking about what other regions of the world deserve what. I mean, who could argue that Latin America really deserved the strife, the death squads, the coups, the kidnappings and the union busting? On the other hand, Eastern Europe surely deserves a medal for the past sixty years. Should East Anglia get a bonus this quarter? What are we going to do about Belgium? And of course there’s – wait, just a second – HEY YOU! YES YOU! HORN OF AFRICA! Listen to me young lady, if you think you’re going out dressed like that. Jesus woman. Look at the state of you, your ass all hanging out. Put some clothes on it if you respect yourself! No I’m not joking. Look at my face, do I look like I’m joking? And you won’t get any pudding, Bavaria, unless you eat your vegetables.