spEak You're bRanes

Many thanks to Jo, again, who sent us two pieces of shit for the price of one email.

What do you think when someone’s been sentenced to be stoned to death for adultery? Well, if you’re a suspicious yellow gusset stain like The Original Ray, then you think this:

Adultery SHOULD be punished although that seems pretty harsh.

Look at the mess our society is in. Seventy five percent of families break up because the woman decides she wants a different bloke and, in the West, this is rewarded by the state because she ends up with the home, the kids and a large proportion of the father’s income while the father is left to grin and bear it, or banged up if he doesn’t comply. (Never heard a feminist go on about that little imbalance.) Opposite ends of the spectrum is my point.

If you live under that sort of regime, as this woman does, and you know what you are in for if you cheat on your husband then more fool you. Its not like Sharia has just been invented.
The Original Ray, Liverpool

Yeah, Sharia has been around for ages, so she must have heard of it. Ray has, after all. He even thinks Sharia has some merits. That is, as long as it’s doing awful (and entirely proportionate) things to people who’ve done something similar to the bitch who did something awful to him. They all deserve it. They’re all the same. She knew the risks when she took the job. It’s not misogynism, it’s common sense.

Mind you, Ray, pretty harsh? You need to read the article again, mate – it clearly says that when they do the stoning, women get buried up to their necks so they don’t get whacked in the tits. That seems fair enough to me. If we’re going to implement any kind of punishment for adultery in the UK – only for women who deserve it, of course – then we should be very careful that at no point do women get whacked in the tits. And that’s being nice, what with all the houses and the money they’ve been getting for centuries and shit.

Frankly, Sharia would help deal with that seventy-five percent of broken families thanks to women. Something’s amiss in the West, and it’s nothing to do with the fact that Ray is a miserable, bitter, twisted, flaky old ringpiece. No ma’am sirree. We need positive solutions to the problems that aren’t caused by Ray being a stringy piece of knob cheddar, and Sharia sounds like one – a system where men get everything and women get fuck all, and where men can rely on the fact that they’re men to make up any old shit and get all these fucking cheating women swanning around the place like they’re fucking people or something put to death. As long as they don’t get whacked in the tits. That’s the line.

In fact, I heard that seventy-five percent of women stoned to death deserve it. And I’m honestly not just making this shit up because I hate women.

What shall we do about gangs eh?

Get their parents in to have major brain surgery to fix their inability to take responsibility for their children. Maybe when that’s fixed a more responsible child will hit the streets. In the meantime, when they’re caught for violent crimes give them a sentence that fits the crime, if they go to prison for 10 years they should do 10 years and no luxuries when they’re inside. Prison is supposed to be a punishment not a vacation, so follow monesterial practices, make them pray for foregiveness for the crime they have committed, provide them with just the bare necessities to survive.
Toothpick Harry

Brilliant! We should follow this through to it’s conclusion though. Why bother building prisons when we could just remove the bit of their brain that committed the crime and replace it with a bit of brain that thinks it’s been in prison (or a monastery) for 20 years without any luxuries? The more I think about it, the more I realise that any problem can be fixed by major brain surgery! Can’t spell “monastery” or “forgiveness”? Brain surgery! Education? Fuck that, just use brain surgery! This brain surgegry thing has really got me excitenig. It’s the bESt IDEA EVA. Unless… maybe I’ve had had major brain surgery to make nig think me what brain surgery is a goodnig idea? But how would would I know? Who cares? BRIAN SUGARY! It’s not exactly brain sugary!

Thanks to thetastysoup for finding these on the subject of swanky new bacteria with synthesised DNA.

You can’t control evolution.
It only takes one of these bacteria to mate with another and you have serious and posibly extinction problems.
Not a good idea.
Hairy Dog

It’s alright, they’ve genetically engineered these ones to be homosexual bacteria-boys. They can hump each other til they’re blue in the membrane and never create anything more terrifying than that episode of Doctor Who where Bernard Cribbins kept bursting into tears and trying to tell The Doctor how much he loved him.

I love this next comment for the sheer exuberance with which Chezobarth7 throws unrelated sentences together.

Before this study continues we need to be sure that the “bacteria” doesn’t mutate like all other organisms in this world do. We all know computers have flaws. This scientist is just in way over his head and he needs to slow down. This could do more harm than good. This could be a step toward ending global warming or it could be a step towards mind control. Watch out it is 1984 all over again.
Chebozarth7

It absolutely, definitely is 1984 all over again. That’s the one where Dr Frankenstein tries to reverse climate change by making a mind-control hat and Richard Attenborough builds an amusement park full of microbes, right?

Dear Sirs,
As a physician, scientist, molecular geneticist and molecular biologist, I am deeply concerned about the implications of this endeavor. The multiple potential benefits of this experiment can instantly vanish by a single unforeseen catastrophic event.
AMMDO, MD, PhD
AndreUSP6

Tom Taylor-Duxbury is a giant twat regularly found all over the internet’s varied public repositories of utter shit and swivel-eyed lunacy.

Here he is on Times Online talking about some volcano somewhere in Iceland. Notice how his sardonic wit seamlessly combines unrelated events that happened in the same country into a weak suggestion that Iceland is the leading cause of the world’s problems, and how he does that because he’s a prick.

More fallout from Iceland?

Now can we have some data on global cooling (SO2 & dust) and CO2 from volcanoes please, much more impact than the plane flights I’d wager.
Tom Taylor-Duxbury

Absolutely. That’s what scientists do for half their time, now that global warming has been proven to be the goldmine of a conspiracy everyone knew it was – they sit around reading comments on the internet, waiting for you to tell them what to do. Of course, the other half of the working day they’re sitting on solid gold dildos wanking onto £50 notes, so they can’t dedicate all their time to tending to your partially digested brain farts.

Oh, wait! Excuse my sarcasm, Tom, because I just had word from a leading climatologist who does eagerly read comments on news articles looking for pearls of wisdom. Apparently, after brilliance just like yours put him out of a job throwing hockey sticks into volcanoes to make the planet heat up a bit faster, he’s a bit light on stuff to do. He assures me he’ll get right on it, because he doesn’t think anything like that has ever been studied before, ever. Because you came up with the idea, can you spare time for a double-blind study?

In case you didn’t know, that’s the kind where you get beaten around the head until both your retinas detach by someone who subscribed to the new Times website and paid £30 for the privilege of reading your shit.

A great big dose of Thankceptin to Kathryn for finding surgeon-professor Doctor Douglas Grenfell Ph.D (fellow of the Tit Doctors Institute) in one of TimesOnline’s ongoing series of misapplications of niche oncological research results. Apparently, today pregnancy causes prevents cancer.

This all sounds fine, as long as the females concerned take precautions, ie do allow their breasts to develop milk, not take a pill to stop the milk developing. Also the biggest cause of breast cancer is the males who are too aggresive when handling a female breast, squeezing too hard and also pulling on the tissue, all cause damage to the insides of the breast which does develop into cancer. Thye huge amount of toxins ingested by everybody every day in food encourages cancers and should be reduced, also excessive slimming does not help either. It is about time Cancer UK etc openly promoted prevention rather than spend all the money they raise solely on cures.
Douglas Grenfell

I have a few suggestions for ways Cancer UK etc can promote prevention:

The “Gentle Gauntlet” is a steel glove which the man wears during any contact with the bristol. Small actuators in the knuckle joints detect when the amount of pressure being applied to the boozoomier borders on the dangerous cancer-causing range (or the “death squeeze” as we nork researchers prefer to call it) and won’t allow the fingers to grasp the Daily Mail Gossip Columnist any tighter, thereby protecting the precious puppy’s nose.

The “Milkcebo” is a pill designed to mimic the many, many lactation prevention products on the market. Obviously in such a crowded marketplace the Milkcebo will need heavy promotion to compete with the many other milk suppression products which do exist. However the difference is, the Milkcebo actually doubles the amount of milk production in the pink trifle, producing enough for accredited funbag expert Douglas Grenfell to have a lovely dairy shower in.

Finally the “GP” is a service to which women can go for actual health advice based on evidential studies and up-to-date research, rather than relying on knocker-obsessed weirdoes who regurgitate tabloid cancer scares filtered through their own ignorant, top-bollock-focused lens.

In what is definitely and without a shadow of a doubt two separate and unrelated incidents that have nothing to do with each other and are entirely separate, ‘BNP’ and a swastika have been carved into a Mosque door in Mansfield. BNP associations with Nazism? Johnny Kwango smells a liblabcon rat.

Johnny_Kwango
I sense an election coming so a Swastika here and there will be beneficial for all parties concerned

An election you say? A bold claim to be making just on a hunch.

Thanks to Tim. On the salaries of the stars of the BBC. One poster has managed to get his head round homosexuals not being able to reproduce, but seems to have misunderstood the term ‘clone’ and concluded that they’re all made in a big factory. Probably run by the Liberal Democrats in a field just outside San Francisco.

blastarrbxiii

And it isn’t like it’s a natural sex obsession either.
All part of the ‘drip drip’ perversity of the multi billion pound faggot industry.

I don’t think watersports get quite the audience you think, oatibix.

The gnomes have just become aware of the shocking idea that the Falkland Islands might have real economic and political significance.

If there is oil in the Falklands Argentina is most likely to want to put in a claim. After all, they went to war over a few sheep the last time round.
Bill, Southampton

You know that bit in a sci-fi thingy where they’ve got the “knowledge of the ancients in a techno-cube” or maybe the “memories of the entire Zargoid high-council stored in a brain-laser”? Or maybe just “37 exabytes of furry pr0n”. And you know how they’re always trying to download it into someone’s head but the geezer operating the brain-laser/techno-cube is worried that “the human mind is too primitive” to cope with that much information? I reckon Bill’s family feel the same way about “The One Show”.

Our old friend BC/CB is back on Twitter again. This is as much as I got before I couldn’t be arsed with him clogging up my feed any more and stopped following him. It’s worth a look though. You see, while his fiction is wide-ranging and his HYS posts are limited to specific topics, on twitter, flickr and his own website, he can really get to grips with his true passion – the environment.

Remember 40 degrees.. That is what the temperature will be when you will start to think …Is there somethind awfully wrong?

I’m not sure I’m warm enough to understand what this means.

You can always keep warm, but it is very difficult to keep cool is it not? Do not think for a minute that i am a doom monger rabbiting on.

It’s very illuminating though. Cuger sounds like how climate change sceptics must imagine the rest of us think. It’s like looking in a pig-headed, gullible mirror that keeps wanting to yell at science.

At this point in my personal crusade, I must confess, I just feel, what the heck, get on with it! If it was not for my children I would…

Just let things exponentially evolve and try and survive when most of the population are dying from heat exhaustion..

Yes it is cold, but. Remember those childhood summers of blue skies, white clouds, the seaside..ect..WELL..Forget them!

Mediterranean summers, Mediterranean fruits growing in our English countryside, vineyards galore… Forget them….

Pestilence, disease, immigrants running from desolate equatorial countries, to descend upon us will be the new Garden of Eden.

Don’t believe me? Happy with your hedonistic little lives? You all have a new beginning awaiting..

See, this is really handy. I reckon if we want to win round the fucknut right to this whole “stop making the world warmer before we break it and die in a stinky frozen-methane fireball” thing, we just need to threaten them with a few boatfuls of Africans. Oh yeah, SYB shout-out coming up!

By the way. Stop slagging off my books! Especially when you have not read them (worst, have not bought one). You sycophantic blog followers!

See you next time!!

Pleasure to know you’re a fan Bruce. I’m guessing you self-googled your way here.

Thanks to Samantha for finding this chap, who seems a little bitter about being dumped. I reckon he should count his blessings. At least he got his winkle wet once or twice. Chances of finding anyone stupid/desperate enough to let him have another go are minimal.

Ha! There’s no such thing as equality in the UK.

Split up from your partner? Got kids? You’re the father? Sorry, you have no rights to see them. You’re the mother? Feel free to use them as a pawn.

Are you an unemployed white British male? Sorry, we can’t help. You’ll have to scrounge the bins to survive. An unemployed ethnic minority immigrant who’s never worked in this country? Here’s a house. Take all these benefits too! Is there anything else you need, Sir?
[FubarBritain]

It’s a disgrace. I was down the pub the other night, right, and I heard about this one chap, from Africa I expect, who had only applied for a library card but the council sent him a set of free ear-muffs, a year’s supply of mango chutney, half-price cinema tickets, a lifetime subscription to Grazia, a voucher for a ride on a tiger, 14 different kinds of shoe, an apache gunship full of organic cider with a personalised number plate, a technicolor dreamcoat, a life peerage, some woolly mittens knitted by Eva fucking Perón, a 3-Megawatt mining laser and docking computer, a fart-grill, three french hens and a FUCKING CLOUD IN A JAR. A REAL LIVE FUCKING FLOATY CLOUD. In a jar.