spEak You're bRanes

Tom Taylor-Duxbury is a giant twat regularly found all over the internet’s varied public repositories of utter shit and swivel-eyed lunacy.

Here he is on Times Online talking about some volcano somewhere in Iceland. Notice how his sardonic wit seamlessly combines unrelated events that happened in the same country into a weak suggestion that Iceland is the leading cause of the world’s problems, and how he does that because he’s a prick.

More fallout from Iceland?

Now can we have some data on global cooling (SO2 & dust) and CO2 from volcanoes please, much more impact than the plane flights I’d wager.
Tom Taylor-Duxbury

Absolutely. That’s what scientists do for half their time, now that global warming has been proven to be the goldmine of a conspiracy everyone knew it was – they sit around reading comments on the internet, waiting for you to tell them what to do. Of course, the other half of the working day they’re sitting on solid gold dildos wanking onto £50 notes, so they can’t dedicate all their time to tending to your partially digested brain farts.

Oh, wait! Excuse my sarcasm, Tom, because I just had word from a leading climatologist who does eagerly read comments on news articles looking for pearls of wisdom. Apparently, after brilliance just like yours put him out of a job throwing hockey sticks into volcanoes to make the planet heat up a bit faster, he’s a bit light on stuff to do. He assures me he’ll get right on it, because he doesn’t think anything like that has ever been studied before, ever. Because you came up with the idea, can you spare time for a double-blind study?

In case you didn’t know, that’s the kind where you get beaten around the head until both your retinas detach by someone who subscribed to the new Times website and paid £30 for the privilege of reading your shit.

A great big dose of Thankceptin to Kathryn for finding surgeon-professor Doctor Douglas Grenfell Ph.D (fellow of the Tit Doctors Institute) in one of TimesOnline’s ongoing series of misapplications of niche oncological research results. Apparently, today pregnancy causes prevents cancer.

This all sounds fine, as long as the females concerned take precautions, ie do allow their breasts to develop milk, not take a pill to stop the milk developing. Also the biggest cause of breast cancer is the males who are too aggresive when handling a female breast, squeezing too hard and also pulling on the tissue, all cause damage to the insides of the breast which does develop into cancer. Thye huge amount of toxins ingested by everybody every day in food encourages cancers and should be reduced, also excessive slimming does not help either. It is about time Cancer UK etc openly promoted prevention rather than spend all the money they raise solely on cures.
Douglas Grenfell

I have a few suggestions for ways Cancer UK etc can promote prevention:

The “Gentle Gauntlet” is a steel glove which the man wears during any contact with the bristol. Small actuators in the knuckle joints detect when the amount of pressure being applied to the boozoomier borders on the dangerous cancer-causing range (or the “death squeeze” as we nork researchers prefer to call it) and won’t allow the fingers to grasp the Daily Mail Gossip Columnist any tighter, thereby protecting the precious puppy’s nose.

The “Milkcebo” is a pill designed to mimic the many, many lactation prevention products on the market. Obviously in such a crowded marketplace the Milkcebo will need heavy promotion to compete with the many other milk suppression products which do exist. However the difference is, the Milkcebo actually doubles the amount of milk production in the pink trifle, producing enough for accredited funbag expert Douglas Grenfell to have a lovely dairy shower in.

Finally the “GP” is a service to which women can go for actual health advice based on evidential studies and up-to-date research, rather than relying on knocker-obsessed weirdoes who regurgitate tabloid cancer scares filtered through their own ignorant, top-bollock-focused lens.

In what is definitely and without a shadow of a doubt two separate and unrelated incidents that have nothing to do with each other and are entirely separate, ‘BNP’ and a swastika have been carved into a Mosque door in Mansfield. BNP associations with Nazism? Johnny Kwango smells a liblabcon rat.

Johnny_Kwango
I sense an election coming so a Swastika here and there will be beneficial for all parties concerned

An election you say? A bold claim to be making just on a hunch.

Thanks to Tim. On the salaries of the stars of the BBC. One poster has managed to get his head round homosexuals not being able to reproduce, but seems to have misunderstood the term ‘clone’ and concluded that they’re all made in a big factory. Probably run by the Liberal Democrats in a field just outside San Francisco.

blastarrbxiii

And it isn’t like it’s a natural sex obsession either.
All part of the ‘drip drip’ perversity of the multi billion pound faggot industry.

I don’t think watersports get quite the audience you think, oatibix.

The gnomes have just become aware of the shocking idea that the Falkland Islands might have real economic and political significance.

If there is oil in the Falklands Argentina is most likely to want to put in a claim. After all, they went to war over a few sheep the last time round.
Bill, Southampton

You know that bit in a sci-fi thingy where they’ve got the “knowledge of the ancients in a techno-cube” or maybe the “memories of the entire Zargoid high-council stored in a brain-laser”? Or maybe just “37 exabytes of furry pr0n”. And you know how they’re always trying to download it into someone’s head but the geezer operating the brain-laser/techno-cube is worried that “the human mind is too primitive” to cope with that much information? I reckon Bill’s family feel the same way about “The One Show”.

Our old friend BC/CB is back on Twitter again. This is as much as I got before I couldn’t be arsed with him clogging up my feed any more and stopped following him. It’s worth a look though. You see, while his fiction is wide-ranging and his HYS posts are limited to specific topics, on twitter, flickr and his own website, he can really get to grips with his true passion – the environment.

Remember 40 degrees.. That is what the temperature will be when you will start to think …Is there somethind awfully wrong?

I’m not sure I’m warm enough to understand what this means.

You can always keep warm, but it is very difficult to keep cool is it not? Do not think for a minute that i am a doom monger rabbiting on.

It’s very illuminating though. Cuger sounds like how climate change sceptics must imagine the rest of us think. It’s like looking in a pig-headed, gullible mirror that keeps wanting to yell at science.

At this point in my personal crusade, I must confess, I just feel, what the heck, get on with it! If it was not for my children I would…

Just let things exponentially evolve and try and survive when most of the population are dying from heat exhaustion..

Yes it is cold, but. Remember those childhood summers of blue skies, white clouds, the seaside..ect..WELL..Forget them!

Mediterranean summers, Mediterranean fruits growing in our English countryside, vineyards galore… Forget them….

Pestilence, disease, immigrants running from desolate equatorial countries, to descend upon us will be the new Garden of Eden.

Don’t believe me? Happy with your hedonistic little lives? You all have a new beginning awaiting..

See, this is really handy. I reckon if we want to win round the fucknut right to this whole “stop making the world warmer before we break it and die in a stinky frozen-methane fireball” thing, we just need to threaten them with a few boatfuls of Africans. Oh yeah, SYB shout-out coming up!

By the way. Stop slagging off my books! Especially when you have not read them (worst, have not bought one). You sycophantic blog followers!

See you next time!!

Pleasure to know you’re a fan Bruce. I’m guessing you self-googled your way here.

Thanks to Samantha for finding this chap, who seems a little bitter about being dumped. I reckon he should count his blessings. At least he got his winkle wet once or twice. Chances of finding anyone stupid/desperate enough to let him have another go are minimal.

Ha! There’s no such thing as equality in the UK.

Split up from your partner? Got kids? You’re the father? Sorry, you have no rights to see them. You’re the mother? Feel free to use them as a pawn.

Are you an unemployed white British male? Sorry, we can’t help. You’ll have to scrounge the bins to survive. An unemployed ethnic minority immigrant who’s never worked in this country? Here’s a house. Take all these benefits too! Is there anything else you need, Sir?
[FubarBritain]

It’s a disgrace. I was down the pub the other night, right, and I heard about this one chap, from Africa I expect, who had only applied for a library card but the council sent him a set of free ear-muffs, a year’s supply of mango chutney, half-price cinema tickets, a lifetime subscription to Grazia, a voucher for a ride on a tiger, 14 different kinds of shoe, an apache gunship full of organic cider with a personalised number plate, a technicolor dreamcoat, a life peerage, some woolly mittens knitted by Eva fucking Perón, a 3-Megawatt mining laser and docking computer, a fart-grill, three french hens and a FUCKING CLOUD IN A JAR. A REAL LIVE FUCKING FLOATY CLOUD. In a jar.

“What are your memories of the tsunami?” was refreshingly free of inane self-obsessed grumbling, idiotic pet theories or attempts to hammer the Nick Griffin into every possible debate. Still, there’s always good old surreal weirdness.

Please note that there is a technology to create and/or enhance any kind of “natural” disaster…

Tibor TK, Neuss

It’s like a hand-blender, but nuclear. You just stick it in the sea or the Earth’s molten core and you’re away.

I watched that ugly incident live on the screen and it has left me with a strong belief that the world is about to come to an end. I don’t think anybody is safe with that kind catastrophy similar to that which prompted Noah to build an ARK.

wodgot, uk

It’s a scary thought, but you know what’s scarier? Just the other day, I was watching David Attenborough and I saw a fucking COBRA on the screen. What if God sends a massive cobra to destroy the world this time? Best you build a giant wooden mongoose as well, just to be sure.

It certainly cut down on the amount of piracy in the south China seas area for a while. Sad that so many innocents died along with the pirates.

Paul, Sapcote

Like they say, every cloud has a silver lining. Maybe you should give Tibor a ring and the two of you could get yourselves down to Somalia with his gadget. Sorted.

I think Betrand Russell might just fit into every category we have except ‘miscellaneous prats’ and ‘normal people’. I found him grumbling about pregnant women. Turns out he also feels rather strongly about global warming:

Some say the world is warming, some say the world is cooling. Does it really matter?

Betrand Russell

It does to me. I need to know whether to ask for flip-flops for Christmas or save up to buy a duffel coat this summer.

I am interesed in global warming and science fiction, which are linked, so I have given myself a series of names as a tribute to my heroes. Does this make me, what the kids nowadays call ‘a geek?’

Betrand Russell

I must confess, I’m not down with the lingo. Is ‘geek’ like ‘credulous self-aggrandising gobshite who skim-read one book, agreed with a bit of it and decided he wanted to ride around the thickest regions of internet on the coat-tails of the great philosophers’? If it is, you’re pulling off that “geek-chic” thing fabulously.

Hasn’t history told us again and again that religious intolerance never works?!

Cindy Chaplin, Coggeshall

I agree. I’m off to build a Catholic cathedral in Karachi. I am sure they will be very tolerant there.

Betrand Russell

Good point. Off you go. But I warn you, the local Archbishop don’t like no competition, so don’t come crying to me when the St Patrick’s mob kneecap you and take your grey lego bricks.

Do you know how many refugees the UK accepted last year?

It was 697.

Is all this HYS anger and paranoia really justified?

Col, uk

Why is it that they all appear to be living in my street? Why do people believe the figures of this government?

Betrand Russell

It’s an optical illusion Bettie. The same Somali passes you on the street and says ‘good morning’ several times a week, but it looks like lots because it happens at different times in different places and he’s wearing different clothes.

Anyway, on the basis of this last comment, I think I’ve managed to diagnose Betrand Russell. You see, he’s naturally sceptical of any kind of authority. Facts, statistics, massive buildings right there in front of you, however incontrovertible they may seem, if the pro-government, BBC-run forces of Scientific Consensus want you to believe it, it follows ergo QED that the opposite must be true. Like, for example, the Hollywood Establishment will tell you it was “just an actor”, that they used “special effects” and that he might recently have “died” of “cancer”, but do they really think you’re too stupid to see through that?

Patrick Swayze will live forever as his character in ‘Ghost.’

Betrand Russell

Unless they shoot him for his views on Anthropogenic Global Warming, that is.

I found the “Should respectable middle-class parents be allowed to cheat the system so their gifted children don’t have to mix with oiks and foreigners?” debate and thought it would be a good hunting ground, but then I lost it. Thanks to Alex for helping me find it again. I didn’t realise it would be this fertile. Typical offering:

This country is run by lunatics!

I dont blame ANY parent who attempts to cheat the system if it’s in the best intrest for their child!

When we dont have major problems with crime, illegal wars, illegal immigrants, anti social behaviour, a broken justice system, lack of prisons, bent politicians and banks widdling our money away THEN and only then will I worry it! Somone who wants the best for their child shouldnt have to face this “idiocracy”.

Adam Stasiak, Darlington

Yeah BBC, before you go laying into parents for illegally trying to set their kids up for a better life, why not sort out lawbreakers, all those MPs and bankers fiddling the system, and all those foreigners using public services they’re not entitled to. Also Adam, I’m not sure if you know what the word ‘idiocracy’ means, but I wouldn’t write it off if I were you, as ultimately it really could work in your favour.

Why wouldn’t a loving parent with the best interests of their child at heart, be prepared to scam their way into a decent school, when the corrupt government which presides over us thinks nothing of stealing millions of pounds of taxpayers cash a year without a care of retribution?

If it’s good for the pigs in Westminster, it’s good for the rest of us to be as corrupt.

Withnail Xtreme, Camden Town

Can you just give it a rest for five minutes? There is other news you know.

As working hard citizens exploided by this corrupt, champagne socialist goverment our only weapon to defend us is cheating as much as we can with the school system, with taxes, with smoking in some venues, the comunist TV license, etc. I´m cheating and I will forever until this circus full of clowns AKA NuLabour dissapears forever.

jono onos, London

Note how Alex’s find, in his rage at Britain’s government and institutions, is not just totally, utterly and furiously indifferent to the existence of a single other human being on the planet, but, with all that unrelated crap about the fag ban and the telly-tax, we also have a rare case of someone whose incoherent torrent of bile actually required a bit of padding out.

Uh Oh- I feel another nulabour draconian legislation coming on. Council officials are about to be given the power to strip search a parent and send them to jail for fifteen years after bugging their house and following them with a video camera to prove that they have committed the heinous crime of trying to give their child a better education.

[ash101437]

You’ve got a colourful imagination Ash, I’ll grant you, but you’re up against some heavyweights in the dystopian novel genre, and there’s also a lot of bantam-weight competition just on BBC Have Your Say. Do you really think you can pull this one off?