spEak You're bRanes

Blah blah riots.

Thanks to Charlie.

just inmagin if we go through a national crisis like japan or food shortages or some pandemic just like nostradamus predicted humans will eat humans if anyone disagree just look at the above footage again we are becoming animals and animals becoming more civilised cant even think what it would be like if the goverment collapsed.
monjur

Right. You watch some twats mugging a kid with a bloody face, it doesn’t take a huge leap of the imagination to see them sat naked on their haunches, cocks swinging like little aubergines, chewing greedily on that same kid’s upper arms and thighs. And oh-ho, what’s this? One of them is happily lapping up his brain, holding the head like a punch bowl. See the look on the face there: a disgusting cocktail of agony, disbelief and horror, a frozen moment, like the kind of sick fuck Halloween mask you might find hanging in a weird, UV-lit, back-street novelty shop in Blackpool.

This is what happens when you take your eye, even momentarily, off the lower orders. As Nostradamus predicted: “The hooded ghost shall shatter the invisible wall / His bounty now within his grasp / Cities shall crumble and nations collapse / At his feet, clad in boxfresh Filas.”

Only the government can prevent this nightmare from becoming reality. With shrieking, reactionary politics and the kind of iron-fisted authoritarianism Michael Howard might’ve drawn the line at, they can force the revolting peasants back down where they belong, if not further. But they can’t do it without your help.

If you donate just £5 a month, we can supply the government with water cannon, baton rounds and funds for entertaining senior representatives of the tabloid press.

Together, we can deny them a future. Together, we can drain them of hope. Together, we can gang-fuck the poor.

Ooh, you lucky pups. We have a pathetic two-man cunt parade for you today. I can’t even tell whether or not they’re taking the piss anymore. Thanks go, respectively, to dom Kaos and Tara.

Drinks firm Diageo funds pregnancy health initiative! No, it’s not a nightmare Paul Verhoeven once had, it’s a BBC News item. Click it and see.

I’ve got a much better idea. Let’s random test pregnant women like we do athletes. Anyone found to have forbidden substances in their urine would be tortured, then have their foetus / unborn child terminated. Sound ridiculous?….not as ridiculous as the Nanny State telling us something we already know…..and by the way, my solution would stop unfit parents having children.
Al

I’ve got an even betterer idea: Al; the entire pro-life lobby; big hole in the ground; maybe some huge, hungry rats for good measure; FIGHT.

Could the Mail possibly lurch any further into self-parodic cuntiness? I didn’t think so, but then I saw the words “Cameron pledges ANOTHER £814m towards vaccinating the world’s poorest children (on top of £2bn we are already going to donate)” spattered like a bitter old man’s thick, lumpy semen over the top of one of their articles.

Clearly seeing this as some kind of challenge, one reader was moved to write the following…

A mass sterilisation programme is what is needed in these places, never mind poring money into them. I am sick and tired of seeing TV reports of people unable to provide for themselves, living in poverty in squalor but manage to reproduce without an ounce of responsibility.
Reg

Should you ever need to make a case for pure, nihilistic despair, you could do worse than point to Reg. Can there really be sense and meaning in a universe that allows a man like him to not only exist, but thrive in a corner of the world in which the basic challenges of survival are so readily met, so far from his withered, acetic caper of a mind that he has the time, energy and resources to spare for looking disdainfully at images of starving brown people he doesn’t want to see, and go on the internet and fucking witter about it?

In a world of order and harmony, Reg would not even be human. He’d be a miraculous, indestructible corn crop and a cold, fresh, clean spring in the most arid part of Sudan.

Careful, women. This is what can happen if you go out and enjoy yourselves.

And if that’s not enough harrumphing for you, Tara’s dug up this fucker…

These days I always avoid drunken women. Drunken men are bad enough, but drunken women are an absolute nightmare. They’re not only irrational and violent like men; but spiteful and provocative in a uniquely female way. They’re also completely uninhibited sexually, whilst staggering about with more anatomy exposed than covered. They will fawn-over and aggressively flirt with anything in trousers, committing indecent assault almost as a matter of course in the name of `fun’. And if you decline their Amazon overtures, they will either explode into a paroxysm of rage and attack you themselves, incite their boyfriends or husbands to attack on their behalf, or claim that you assaulted them and attempted/committed rape. An obsession with rights has left them with a perverted sense of absolute and self-righteous liberty. Above all things; it is drunken women who have made inner-cities into Saturday night no-go areas for the sober and the sane.
Little Ted

Little Ted, gentleman sex offender, govt_helper with a better editor. He avoids drunken women like the plague. He avoids them by walking straight towards them and dispersing them with his powerful, natural repulsiveness.

If that doesn’t work, he avoids them by getting their partners to beat him up. Then failing that, he avoids them by encouraging them to press charges.

He doesn’t want to do any of this, and he wouldn’t have to if they’d only learn to behave and let go of their silly ideas about ‘rights’ and ‘living their lives the way they see fit’ and ‘expressing their sexuality’ and ‘wearing what they feel like wearing’, because apparently it’s not enough to just stick your cock into her fanny anymore, oh no, now you’re supposed to know what you’re doing with it as well, you’re expected to ‘pleasure’ and ‘satisfy’ her, and woe betide if you don’t, I mean what happened to the good old days when women didn’t really like sex and just pretended to in order to get pregnant and stop you going out and paying for it, and they stood by their man, however revolting he was, not finding attractive men attractive, because they were after more than that, or so they said, but it turns out they aren’t are they, they do want it after all, but then they pretend they don’t want it, and I’m sorry but they’re going to have to make their minds up, do they want it or don’t they, they can’t have it both ways. They need teaching a lesson.

Plus, binge-drinking is detrimental to their health.

Crikey found this story on the Daily Record website, concerning one “tragic businesswoman” who’d jumped to her death from the fourth floor of an Edinburgh hotel. That this tragic businesswoman chose to take her own life at rush-hour, the Record considers to be a very important detail. So let’s not forget that. Ever. On her headstone should be engraved:

Tragic Businesswoman, b. 1980 ~ d. rush-hour 2010

People often wonder what’s a decent length of time before it’s acceptable to start being honest about the dead. With suicide, you can safely bypass all that. It’s the point at which a life may be reduced to an inconvenience, and the usual rules are suspended. Your ignorant squawks of disapproval will generally be tolerated, sometimes applauded, even before rigor mortis has set in. And if anyone doesn’t like it you can lean on the mantlepiece, wagging finger aloft, and go: “blah blah selfish waffle waffle cowardly blah blah 3-mile tailback.” Others will sit around in plush armchairs, nodding sagely and occasionally harrumphing. An ornate Georgian clock will tick in the background.

None of this will make you any less of a cunt, but at least you’ll believe that you’ve claimed the moral high ground and eventually die with a clear conscience. And on that score at least, you’ll have won.

You’ll have fucking won.

i don’t get it why do people take their own lives

no matter how bad or dire your life is you need to say to yourself its going to get better

my heart goes out to the family
3inarowithinkno

Just remember that, when you’re standing on the edge of existence, deafened by the screams of a tormented world, nothing but bleak plains of sorrow sprawling endlessly before you, and behind you, the cracked shell of your own soul. Remember: it’s going to get better.

Goodness, what came over me? Sorry about that, vicar. Another slice of parkin?

im sorry, i have been severely depressed and considered suicide myself, but i would never have dreamed of doing so in a way that others are involved. i cant bring myself to feel sorry for the woman, who would put people in that situation to have to witness that??? what about the poor kids that would have been subjected to that??? or the poor people she may have took out with her??? sorry to her family, but im terribly sorry, she not getting my simpathy vote
amber78

There’s a certain breed of human being whose first instinct, when faced with a tragedy of some kind, is to start snuffling round for reasons not to give a shit. amber78 is a fine example. Even with the supposed ability to view the event through the prism of shared experience, she’s more than happy to toss that prism aside and say, “nope, I refuse to let this ruin one second of my day! And here’s why: blah blah selfish, etc.”

Perhaps they fear the weight of empathy will overwhelm them, and are trying to convince themselves more than they are the rest of us. Perhaps they’re too unimaginative to see such complex and emotive issues in anything other than purely binary terms. Perhaps they’re just arseholes. Whatever. They fill me with equal parts boredom and despair, and I wish they’d keep their opinions to themselves.

There was a bit of natter last week after an Ofsted review concluded that half of all children considered by their schools to have special educational needs may have been misidentified. And understandably, for there’s a fine line between a child who genuinely needs specialist intervention, and a relatively mainstream child who requires a particular approach from their teacher.

But that’s the fucking woolly liberal pansy way of looking at it. Enter AtillaIsBack, who weighed in several times on a CiF debate with an agenda all of his very own. That agenda? Try to demonise as many Middle England bugbears as possible, without resorting to evidence, reason or intellect.

Thanks, Tony!

It seems to me that none of these children have special educational needs. Their brains appear to be capable of functionning perfectly. All this SEN stuff is a load of gobbledygook, to disguise the fact that they have not been raised properly by their parents. Basically their parents probably did not talk to them and play with them in the way normal parents do. In that sense the Cons are correct.

So what is the solution? First thing stop giving single mums houses. The first mum sounds like a perfect example of bad women being able to breed because it is all handed to a plate on them, whilst responsible people are barely able to afford rent let alone a family. Let them live with their parents.

Second restore discipline. They’ll soon learn, without the expense of paying for all these extra staff members. If they know that you can make their lives hell and physically restrain them if they misbehave/ act violently/ or disrupt classes, then they’ll soon sit quietly. Once they sit quietly they will learn quickly.

Another tool, would be to force naughty children to do daily PE if they misbehave. Tiredness is the best way to make children sit quietly. The exercise would do them good.

Another point I would like to add is how many of these SEN children come from immigrant families. If it is a lot, which would not suprise me, then it shows yet another reason why immigration is just a massive expense to the taxpayer, requiring “multiagency professional” where none were needed when every pupil was from the British Isles.
AtillaIsBack

Textbook. Jab an accusing finger at single mothers and the poor, and then insist the way to salvation lies in approaches both completely nebulous, like ‘restoring discipline’, and depressingly prosaic, such as ‘beating the shit out of the poor sods’.

But wait! Can immigrants also be shoe-horned into this? Fuck, yes. You’ll find Atilla bending over backwards to oblige there, in just about the most laboured way imaginable: “I have no idea at all if x is responsible for y, but if I find out it is… ooh!”

And another thing…

Also how can 1 out of 5 people have special needs? That seems far too high to me. If that is the case we need to change our whole economy, because these people are not likely to be productive unless we restore maunfacturing or stop letting poles take all the trades jobs.

Hence I think the true causes are bad parenting, poor discipline and teaching, and no doubt lots of pupils who can not speak English properly. There must be millions of immigrant children and children of immigrants in UK schools. But the government can not admit to the absolute millstone they are around other pupils’ necks so comes out with all the SEN guff. The same goes for what I call the children of the welfare state. Children of drug addicts and the like. Labour would not dare admit that the wlefare state is collectively lowering our intelligence.
AtillaIsBack

Labour? Check. Welfare state? Check.

I wonder who else we can implicate in this whole sorry mess?

Feminism and neo-liberalism together are to blame for this situation.
AtillaIsBack

House!

Nation gripped by scandal, Juicy Jenni, Coleen, football, blah blah. Slave to its nature, as a dog eats its own sick, the Mail tackled Juicy Jenigate last week in typical fashion, by publishing a bunch of ‘racy’ pictures accompanied by a bit of hand-wringing and finger-wagging. Which, you’ll note, required the talents of four writers.

But it’s the readers we’re interested in. And in equally typical fashion, their comments run the full gamut from patronising armchair psychology, through sanctimonious prickery, all the way to utter batshit mentalism. Some (most, probably) are simply horny. But almost all agree on one thing: ‘Juicy’ Jennifer Thompson’s most unforgivable crime is being, in their considered opinion, less attractive than Coleen Rooney.

Thanks go to Kris. Commence the unpleasantness.

Its the Beyonce generation ie do anything for money!!
Paul

Does Paul know something about Beyoncé that I don’t, or are his cultural references just very limited? Who knows? Who cares? I don’t. Next…

I hope she’s going to pay tax on that.
With the country’s finances as they are, earnings are earnings, and as her advertised ‘client’ probably avoids heavy taxes by using offshore accounts, it’s only fair she should contribute.
As she would be self-employed (sounds somehow wrong said that way), I suppose she should be able to charge for the pill, or whatever contraceptive measures she uses, BUT she should pay for the medical checkups to make sure she hasn’t caught any sexual diseases.
PeterH

Here we go. Practical advice from PeterH for any budding escorts out there, alongside an apparent suggestion that the service sector pick up any slack left by its wealthier customers’ creative accounting. Which is a great idea. Say next time Bob Diamond pops into the newsagents for some Red Mill, an HMRC official rushes in as soon as the transaction is complete and slaps a big old fuckin’ tax bill on the counter, as Diamond strolls out laughing with bits of corn snack fluttering from his mouth like golden snow. The government gets to pursue those unpaid receipts as aggressively as they like without scaring off the rich people, and the less rich get crushed in the process. Osborne’ll love it.

From the dawn of humanity, women have been the corruptors of men. Everybody remembers it was Eve who ate the apple and began the descent of humanity.
Jeremy Tapsill

Mrs Tapsill find the receipts again, did she?

Lets be honest if it wasn’t for his money he would have to pay to sleep with someone ironically …
Chris Butler

It’s true. I earn a pittance, and prostitutes only ever give me ironic sex.

Women must realise that men like both steak and burger. This escort is Wayne’s greasy cheap burger. Us men like greasy burgers once in a while but we always prefer the steak waiting at home.
Matty Hayes

If this comment isn’t bad enough by itself, you’ll shit when I tell you that Matty is really talking about an actual steak. He’s married to a steak.

The sick fuck.

how do the newspapers get all these pictures off facebook?
tom

Lust = anger
Jeff

tom, presumably, is after tips, but seems fairly harmless compared to Jeff, who I’m a bit concerned about, to be honest. If he isn’t already on some sort of register, can we please get him on one? Before it’s too late.

She has an exotic sexy look about her, but she is definitely not pretty or English looking,-maybe she realizes this and that’s why 1.)she feels the need to sell herself, despite not needing the money, and 2.) is obsessed with her appearance.

Shame on her, poor Colleen.
Miss B

And with unnerving clarity, Miss B has identified the real tragedy of Jennifer Thompson. Loveless childhood? Please! If there is a single, definable root to Thompson’s issues, it’s not looking English enough. If only she’d been born a bit less exotic and sexy, she could’ve had everything by now. Marriage, children, a £400,000 house of her very own husband’s own in which to pace back and forth, trapped, getting ever drunker and more desperate, scratching away at the paintwork until bittersweet freedom arrives in the shape of death or divorce… all of these things could’ve been hers. Damn that exotic, sexy look.

Some people just get dealt a bad hand.

Thanks to Laura for discovering the splendidly named grumpovian, a proper, old-fashioned, mean-spirited bastard who, for reasons that remain unclear, was compelled to answer when HYS asked, how concerned are you about your sexual health?

Cease sex education immediately. What a lot of absolute tosh! In this world full of left wing do-gooder, liberal pansies, what do we need this nonsense for. We never had such a waste of time when we were at school, 50 or so years ago, and we found out what to do, as did the early cave men! We will be telling them how to use toilet paper next! Teenagers deserve what they get, as they have no moral scruples whatsoever, following in the footsteps of their parents. Don’t treat them on the NHS, but let them pay privately for their disease. Why should precious resources be diverted from real, and genuine sickness, to deal with the likes of some teenagers who, with their “sex education”, should know better!
grumpovian

Has grumpovian misunderstood the point of sex education, mistaking it for a simple how-to guide for youths so far out of touch with their essential natures in a digital age that they require step-by-step instructions in order to perform the most basic biological functions? Or is the raw, bleeding truth that he/she/it (I’m going to go with ‘it’) knows full well what sex education is, and simply wishes AIDS on the young?

If I wasn’t in a generous mood (and, as luck would have it, I’m not), I’d say the latter.

Look, I’m going to level with you. I don’t like people. I think they’re brutal, selfish and stupid. Nevertheless, I sometimes wake up in the morning with the sun shining on my face, feeling almost at peace with the world, and in those moments I question myself. I think, am I the problem? Am I the one who needs to change?

Then I get up and take a look at HYS (currently asking: would you step in to help a child?) and BAM! Top two comments, pair of cunts.

You only need to read the ‘Sarahs law’ HYS to see why people are fearful!

I found a 4 year old wandering the streets near my old flat with no shoes on, in mid winter with snow on the ground. I had to stand on the pavement waiting for 20 minutes for the police to show up because I was so terrified of the implications of taking a half dressed kid inside to warm up. The kid nearly froze as a result.
Peter_Sym

No, I wouldn’t help. And yes I am concerned they would be abusive.

The problem nowadays, is that an adult is considered a threat to a child despite the adults good intentions.

Personally, I’d walk away, and if the child was hurt or abducted, then sorry, but not my fault. Blame the parents, government, society as a whole.
martin622

So the first two people we encounter on this thread are: a man who’s such a coward that he’d have watched a toddler freeze to death before risking any course of action with ‘implications’; and a complete monster who wouldn’t lose any sleep if he abandoned a child to some horrific fate, purely to make a point.

Extrapolate this result across the rest of our species. I feel vindicated. Equilibrium is restored.

Thanks to Malcolm. Some tedious bell-end, this time in the Derby Evening Telegraph, flogging the old bend-the-struggle-against-Hitler-round-to-fit-racism horse again.

RECENTLY, we commemorated the 70th anniversary of the Dunkirk evacuation.

For many veterans, the memories of the carnage have been difficult ones. A number of veterans said that, had the invasion not been repelled, Great Britain would be speaking German today.

No disrespect to our war dead, but I am now finding it increasingly difficult to understand the many foreign languages now spoken in Derby.

Dennis Monk

I bet not many of them are German though, are they? I love how these idiots always imagine the worst thing about living under the iron grip of National Socialism would have been having to do a relatively easy language in school. Yeah, so a few people get enslaved, tortured and gassed but I have to spend an hour or two a day clearing my throat. Who’s the real victim?

Plus think how many other ways we’re disrespecting the war dead. They gave their lives for our freedom not to be a racist batty-crease, but Dennis Monk is still a racist batty-crease. I’m sure someone somewhere once gave their life for our freedom not to push racist batty-creases from Derby into wheat threshers, but if there was one and Dennis Monk was looking the other way, I’d still be sorely tempted. Makes me sick thinking about it. Hypocrites.

Thanks to Ste for finding “growingtomp456″, who has got all wet-knickered over the idea that France might make it illegal to wear strings of onions a burka or niqab. He goes on a bit so I’ve edited him down through judicious use of the words “blah”, “barble”, “massive” and “turdgobbler”.

Well done France for [... blah blah barble blah blah ...] If the Muslims don’t like it they can go back to countries that have Muslim as their traditional [... blah barble blah massive turdgobbler ...]

Another reason why I think this new law is great. It will help with the terrorism issue. Many terrorists these days are Muslim. Furthermore, it will also help to get rid of the sick people which will cover their face in a veil, pretending to be a Muslim when really they are a peadophile. [... barble barble blah ...]
growingtomp456

Fucking paedo terror-fiddlers with their fucking paedo wank-curtains. Where will this end?? Am I safe just because I’m over 18? Must I live in permanent fear of slot-eyed burkapedes and jiggly-cassocked priests?? How can I trust anyone whose penis I can’t see??!?

Might have to go for a lie down. I’ll leave my cock out so you can check I’m not masturbating furiously.