spEak You’re bRanes

Slightly woolly from Glastonbury still. Alex has been busy though, so I’ll start publishing his fine work. Here’s one about the fucking internet.
- Nelson

Thanks to Matthew. How may the internet change to please you?

They also need to keep porn or a well known auction site out of my every search. If I want these I can search for them.
[jackmaxsam]

Exactly. Then they should make it so the words I type into the search engine mean what I meant them to mean and not the other meanings, so I only get results I want. And close down sites I don’t use to make more room. And make sure the ones I do use offer premium subscriptions for free and get updated as often as I look at them. But not too often so I have time to reread ones I like and don’t fall behind and end up confused. And put my TV programmes on when I’m IN, fuckdammit.

I would like the web to be free of pornography, specifically child pornography.
[nicebeeblebum], East Riding, United Kingdom

Odd. Most people just want pornography to be free. Though I suppose then perverts could still have wanks, so maybe your way’s better.

Are there applications that can be built on the web that you would like to see? Get rid of all Porn. Child Porn, adult porn the lot.
We The People

Google should write an application that just abolishes fucking altogether. Problem solved.

Thank God there’s a voice of reason, someone who saw that episode of Coupling with the speech about technology and women’s bottoms and learned from it:

There is a filter in google to stop you getting porn. But don’t dis the porn! If it wasn’t for porn not only would there be no interent, there would be no written word.
Sam

It’s true. The earliest known sample of writing, a tablet of Etruscan cuneiform dating back to fifteen thousand BC, translates roughly as “chubby russian teen (donkey OR goat) anal”.

Thanks to Stu. Another valiant effort to combine all society’s ills into one perverted, swarthy, benefit-guzzling scapegoat. It’s also divided into handy paragraphs, moving neatly from “largely sensible”, through “scared, angry skinflint”, to “conspiracy theory and free association”.

Posted by: ion | May 15, 2009 7:20 PM
It is obvious to see that things are very wrong at the highest level but isn’t time to start denouncing expenses and waste at a local authority level too? We pay council taxes and business rates and instead of seeing these taxes being injected into policing and infrastructure, things are degrading.
I have recently seen the most infuriating act of unjustified expenditure in my borough. A whole refugee therapy center in the center of London that not only cost approximately £2 million but also is planted right next to a school (nursery, primary). Needless to say that this very therapy center has windows overlooking the schools.
So not only money was spent by the council like there’s no tomorrow but rules must have been bent in terms of protecting children, very young children, from people that need therapy.

Thing is, if these refugees have had to leave their own children behind, the temptation to peer at photogenic, blue-eyed white kids through council-funded paedoscopes will be simply too much. And, as everyone knows, the psychological effects of torture include manic bummermania and compulsive sneakiness. As if this wasn’t bad enough, their (taxpayer funded) X-Ray Molesting Glasses have been known to cause face-cancer in normal people.

Best not take the risk and just spend the cash on “ion” next time, eh?

God knows why, maybe Bob Jackson made me want to up the stakes, but one day, I found myself wondering how our old friend [mugged_as_mp_laughs] lives, and what he actually does for a living. It wasn’t difficult, as he’s rather forthcoming about his lifestyle. In fact I think he wants us to praise and emulate him.

Thats the problem fellas.

You LET them have too much.

A womans place is looking after the home, being there for the children and pleasing her husband.

Shame they took out the bit of the marriage vows “Love, Honour and OBEY”

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

You know he’s single ladies.

I have lived on my own for 8 years now since I was 44.

Lonely ???? I LOVE IT.

ALL the time in the world to do what I want to do now I’m retired.

I suppose I am anti-social, but I find, that if you talk to anyone, you cannot help but take on their problems or end up moaning about things.

I suppose I am what you call a hermit or recluse. Who cares ? I have no interest in other human beings and their self centred problems.

Jack is alright I suppose but our ‘free’ society made me like it.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

You know I never had you down as the sociopath type. Still, it’s good you have all this time to enjoy life’s simpler pleasures, like sitting on the internet moaning about things, wanking and moaning about things some more. Do you use social networking sites by the way? I hear they’re very popular.

150 Million ?????

These children really should get out and meet real people !!!!!

Good grief !

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

If only they could see you, hunched in a fraying dressing gown and egg-stained underpants over a glowing monitor, rattling out anonymous anger to people who wouldn’t care a jot if you keeled over right now. (I mean Have Your Sayers, I for one would be grinning like a chimp for days). One look at your empty eyes, your grim frown and the self-satisfied smirk as you hit ‘Post’, and they’d be out down the Youth Club before you could say “paid mourners”. Anyway, what’s your favourite food?

I have tried them once but I still think Pizza is cheese on toast with leftovers from our dinner plates sprinkled on !!!!

Still, if you want to waste money, go right ahead.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

I shouldn’t be telling anyone this in a recession as it could destroy the last remnants of the British food industry, but cheese is actually mouldy milk and toast is just cooked bread. There, I’ve fucked the country, but it’s worth it just to sap another tiny bit of colour from your drab, grey and miserable life.

Thanks to Dave. Something about fox-hunting, not that you’d know.

I’m also fed up of animal rights groups being in charge of everything. They’ve taken over the supermarket, the petrol station, the council, the dog-track, the grocers, the butchers, the bakers, the candlestick-makers, they’re inside my computer and my coffee-grinder and they won’t stop or go away.

Will they never leave us alone!?

Freddy Flintoff, Somewhere up narth, United Kingdom

Just the other day I caught a couple in my noticeboard, pulling all the drawing pins out of pictures of animals. I’ve also found them a few times in my underpants drawer, confiscating the elastic. Oh, and remember! Always shake out your shoes before putting them on, in case animal rights groups have made their nest inside. They might be tiny, but they can deliver a powerful bite!

Thanks to everyone and his dog for sending these comments on Google Street View in, but specifically to Andrew and Sharon.

One Step too far. Privacy is a huge issue with this, effectively allowing (in a fixed slice of time) somebody to stalk another. For example, one my my colleagues is clearly visible on Street View, his face is blurred but it’s obvious who he is. What if he was walking down the street with someone else? If it was a woman, he could be in trouble with his wife (for no reason), if it was a man perhaps his boss would be wondering if it’s a recruitment agent, or the competition?
Rob Morgan, Leeds

What if he was with a man and a woman?? His boss might think he was bisexual. Or how about if he’d been walking with five people and a couple of dogs? Perhaps his friends might think he was having a party and didn’t invite them? Or his wife might think he was fucking one of the dogs. What if he was wearing a t-shirt that had “Bollock” written on it? Or a special shoe? Or shit trousers? Or a hat that made him look wank? Google certainly has a lot to answer for.

Meanwhile Neil C seems to have confused “terrorists” with “tourists”. An easy enough mistake to make after eight years of George Bush.

This worries me. This is a great way for terrorists to check out the target without actually going to the place.

Terrorists who are stalking a potential target will stand out like a saw thumb with their different clothes and their cameras and their different languages.

If my house is being cased by terrorsis I can see them from my CCTV cameras I hve around my property or when they trigger the alarms by walking on the trip wire.

yes another infringement of my personal liberties me thinks
Neil C, ENGLAND

I heard their religion forbids them from wearing normal-people clothes, even as a disguise. They’re only allowed to use oversized green cameras and they have to shout “Addis Ababa” every time they take a photo.

Thanks to Ellie for pointing me at this, and finding the last comment. The advance of technology. No need to carry a pocketful of cumbersome, jangling coins around. No more running out of the pub in the rain to find a hole in the wall, or desperately trying to get change for the vending machine. Cash gradually and naturally dies out. Surely nobody could make a paranoid dystopian fantasy around that.

One thing I like about cash – the government can’t track exactly what you spend your money on.

Linda, Oxford

I don’t know if you’ve been reading the news Linda, but the government can’t track full stop. The government can’t track laptops, CD-Roms, memory-sticks and paper reports when it’s actually holding them. Even if they cared enough to try, they’d never find out that you still buy Just 17 at the age of thirty-eight.

A cashless society would be just another facet of Gordon Brown’s Nu-liebour totalitarian Britain.
ID cards, telephone and email monitoring, satellite vehicle tracking, CCTV on every corner, overseas travel tracked, and now EVERY monetary transaction on record.

Winston Smith, Shoeburyness, England

Tread carefully Winston. The Government can see your bookshelves and know you haven’t opened your copy of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

This is the next step towards a global Orwellian state that David Icke has been predicting since 1990. A cashless society were all transactions are recorded and controlled by the ruling elite.

The next step, Human microchipping with cash credits embedded on your personalised chip. Go against the system and zap, no credit, no food and shelter, end result total control.

Wake up sheep before its too late.

[neworldorder]

Most recommended comment. My quality of life improved severalfold when I started imagining these in the voice of Dale Gribble.

Thanks to Declan for finding this pair of comments on a Guardian article about an animated film.

I must say that I have been totally offended and I will not see this movie. I don’t know if anyone caught it but in the trailer as the man is scanning they have actually put in a …PENIS being scanned. Do we have to continue to take things “to the next level” in a childrens animated movie? Two thumbs down. Very Very poor judgement from the film company to NBC to airing it!!!!
tmckib – 02 Feb 09, 2:02am

I stand corrected and apologize. Upon showing it to my wife as we reviewed it, we found that it was his elbow and the shirt on his arm is what I thought was this image. So I more than likely will still go and see it. Again I am sorry for posting the prior message.
tmckib – 02 Feb 09, 3:34am

Update: There’s not much to add to this one but eliMordino noticed “[...] the pause before ‘PENIS’. I imagine him with a handkerchief held to his mouth, pure horror on his face.”

Thanks to Thomas. “Do children have it tougher than ever?”

When I were a lad we used to play chess, football and other healthy fun games for a teenager. Nowadays it seems kids just want to get blind drunk and murder the nearest passer-by. What went wrong?
Brian, Manchester

You just have to accept that you’re getting old, Brian. Chess is out. Pissed-up murdering is in.

I found this in the same thread.

How can this be independent – its a report carried out by an organisation whose sole purpose is to improve children’s wellbeing. It would have been a little surprising if it had said ‘things are great!’. I wonder how many people to give them money would rather have their donations spent on kids really in trouble than this pointless gesture.
Tom, Bath

It’s all about “balance”. Sure, these jokers are fanatically trying to improve children’s wellbeing but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t pay attention to them. Just like it’s ok to broadcast “Children in Need” but only if we don’t take sides.

An old one about “The Golden Compass” (film version of Phillip Pullman’s “Northern Lights”).

I will most definitely boycott this film. Even if you take out the religious themes, to advocate the killing of God by a child so that they can do what they want, is tantamount to promoting anarchy. What a terrible message to portray to a child. The fact that this is a film aimed at children is the worst form of propaganda.
Tracey Petsivas, Athens, Greece

It’ll probably spawn a whole host of copycat deicides as kids everywhere starting attacking their local god. Think yourself lucky though, on this side of the world, we’ll only be stabbing a few beardy men with twinkly eyes who hate gays. Imagine if you were Hindu. Total carnage. Like “Die Hard” in a zoo.

Thanks to DoppelFrog for pointing me at a Daily Mail article about another “BBC scandal”. I ignore most Daily Mail submissions but this one is quite special for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, the “scandal” involves John Barrowman showing people his cock via the medium of radio. Seriously. Though “[...] genitalia were not actually shown, the crude comments [...] made it clear what had happened“. I can’t compete with that kind of comedy genius.

Secondly, the Daily Mail has implemented a comments recommendation system that shames the BBC’s and reveals the truth that people really AREN’T THAT AWFUL AND STUPID! They’ve improved on the HYS system by adding the crucial ability to vote a comment down as well as up. Scrolling through the list of comments, every single idiotic “OMG, END THE LICENSE TAX!” comment has, without fail, hundreds of negative votes and every “What the actual fuck are you bleating about now you stupid, prudish, overpaid, patronising, chinless journalist prick?” comment has hundreds of positive votes. On the Daily Mail site. So, for anyone still wondering about HYS, the answer is “yes, it is disproportionately affected by badly a designed recommendations system and a handful of self-absorbed cretins with too much time on their hands”.

Anyway, a couple of idiotic comments, just for fun.

The lack of moral fibre at the BBC is a symptom of todays sick and vile society. Whatever happened to good, honest broadcasting? I for one do not want to see genetalia on my radio!
- Peter Proudfoot, Berkshire

Not sure what to suggest there Peter. Perhaps you could close your eyes while you’re listening.

I wonder how many people saw Dirty Den doing something similar on a BBC webcam? Quite rightly, he was sacked. Let’s face it, if twits like John Barrowman think they can get away with such boastful behaviour once on a limited view show, then they will get more adventurous on other shows. There was always something about John Barrowman I was uneasy about, and now I know it was. He’s an exhibitionist of the most pathetic kind. Plus, he giggles shrilly and I hate that in a man, whatever his personal life might be like.
Jeanne, Southampton, 1/12/2008 12:57

Don’t tell me, you’re not racist either, but you don’t feel that brown really “works” as a skin tone?