spEak You're bRanes

Have Your Say is still sicking up nuggets of braingob on Tesco’s pyjama ban. Thanks, Kirsten!

At last they have made a stand. I haven’t been to Tesco for over 5 years. The last time I went I found it noisy, garish and overlit to the point that it gave me a headache. The last straw came when I found two women arguing, using the “f” word and the “c” word in front of their children, never mind the other customers. As I believe in, and practise, good manners to all, I decamped and went to Waitrose. I always leave Waitrose with a smile on my face and a feeling of wellbeing.
[joy557], devizes, United Kingdom

And fair play to [joy557] for cutting straight through to the shrivelled heart of the matter. This isn’t about pyjamas. It’s not about propriety or decorum or the arbitrary designation of items of clothing as nightwear, not be worn outdoors.

Let’s be honest: nothing could be less conducive to the consumerist experience than the sight of the poor, scattered about the place like human litter, swearing in broad accents. They’ve already got Lidl, Aldi, Poundland and Bargain Booze. Why do they have to invade our shops as well?

Thank God, then, for Waitrose, where the shoppers are appropriately dressed, verbal communication is stilted and unexpressive, and the air is suffused with nitrous oxide.

That’s Waitrose.

Something about wearing pyjamas to the shops.

I fully support Tesco’s action. It is high time that all people learned to have and show respect for others and this is just one way to do it. This attitude should prevail in schools, workplaces, actually everywhere and maybe we would then see less ASBOs and cruelty.
Dani Bertschy, Poole, United Kingdom

Yeah, that ought to do it. The crime rate would plummet if everyone took the time to put on a pair of chinos and a smart jacket. I mean, when’s the last time someone well-dressed turned out to be a lying, corrupt, selfish, racist, warmongering, mass-murdering, money-grubbing, right honourable, power-crazed fuck?

I used to live in the Dunfermline area and had cause to speak to the management of Asda.
It was a warm summers day and a man came into the store to buy items for a barbeque, he was only wearing a pair of shorts, no shoes, no top. He was a very hairy and heavy chap and was leaning over open produce counters, I found this to be completely inappropriate. I am not a prude in any sense of the word but his state of undress was suitable for the back garden or the beach NOT A FOOD HALL
Anne-Marie, Stirling

I looked up “prude” in a few online dictionaries for you and found definitions as diverse as:

• a person excessively concerned about propriety and decorum
• a person who is easily shocked by rude things, especially those of a sexual type
• someone who is overly concerned with modest or proper conduct, speech, dress, or the like

… are you absolutely, completely, 100% positive you didn’t mean “prune”?

I think Betrand Russell might just fit into every category we have except ‘miscellaneous prats’ and ‘normal people’. I found him grumbling about pregnant women. Turns out he also feels rather strongly about global warming:

Some say the world is warming, some say the world is cooling. Does it really matter?

Betrand Russell

It does to me. I need to know whether to ask for flip-flops for Christmas or save up to buy a duffel coat this summer.

I am interesed in global warming and science fiction, which are linked, so I have given myself a series of names as a tribute to my heroes. Does this make me, what the kids nowadays call ‘a geek?’

Betrand Russell

I must confess, I’m not down with the lingo. Is ‘geek’ like ‘credulous self-aggrandising gobshite who skim-read one book, agreed with a bit of it and decided he wanted to ride around the thickest regions of internet on the coat-tails of the great philosophers’? If it is, you’re pulling off that “geek-chic” thing fabulously.

Hasn’t history told us again and again that religious intolerance never works?!

Cindy Chaplin, Coggeshall

I agree. I’m off to build a Catholic cathedral in Karachi. I am sure they will be very tolerant there.

Betrand Russell

Good point. Off you go. But I warn you, the local Archbishop don’t like no competition, so don’t come crying to me when the St Patrick’s mob kneecap you and take your grey lego bricks.

Do you know how many refugees the UK accepted last year?

It was 697.

Is all this HYS anger and paranoia really justified?

Col, uk

Why is it that they all appear to be living in my street? Why do people believe the figures of this government?

Betrand Russell

It’s an optical illusion Bettie. The same Somali passes you on the street and says ‘good morning’ several times a week, but it looks like lots because it happens at different times in different places and he’s wearing different clothes.

Anyway, on the basis of this last comment, I think I’ve managed to diagnose Betrand Russell. You see, he’s naturally sceptical of any kind of authority. Facts, statistics, massive buildings right there in front of you, however incontrovertible they may seem, if the pro-government, BBC-run forces of Scientific Consensus want you to believe it, it follows ergo QED that the opposite must be true. Like, for example, the Hollywood Establishment will tell you it was “just an actor”, that they used “special effects” and that he might recently have “died” of “cancer”, but do they really think you’re too stupid to see through that?

Patrick Swayze will live forever as his character in ‘Ghost.’

Betrand Russell

Unless they shoot him for his views on Anthropogenic Global Warming, that is.

You know that guy down the road? The guy whose curtains are usually drawn, but who you know is there because the front garden is impeccable? The smaller kids run past his house, the older ones dare each other to touch the front door? Well, what do you reckon his screen name is?

In places like Croydon, where I live, the chances are that one’s neighbours speak a different language, and all of their friends will be from “their” community, not mine, a member of the indigenous English, who apparently HAVE no “community” in this city.

Croy boy, Croydon, United Kingdom

I have it on good authority that there is a thriving whites-exclusive community in Croydon. They just haven’t told you because even racists find you self-righteous, whiny and tedious.

No, I’ve made no effort to get to know my neighbours in the 6 years I’ve lived where I am now. And why should I? I don’t actually have anything in common with them other than a postcode.

Ryan B, Glasgow

You should try and befriend them. Seriously. However bad it seems at the time, I can guarantee it will hurt them far more than it hurts you.

We live in an age of Neighbours from hell. Quite apart from the young, people are, on the whole, wrapped up in their miserable little worlds, listening to iPods or chatting inanely on their mobile phones. There are no basic manners eg acknowledging one another’s presence by a simple greeting, let alone build a sense of Community.

ian cheese, london, United Kingdom

I know what you mean about neighbours from hell. Mine are just as bad. Every time I look in through their window – which is several times a day I should add – there they are, yakking away, to each other or on some kind of phone, watching TV or listening to music on headphones or through speakers. Does no-one make time for the internet in this sad day and age?

Maybe a lot of us can’t speak our neighbours language to get to know them?.

Wobblybob, Hull

From what I gather on HYS, learning a foreign language to near-native standard is piss-easy if you’re foreign and it’s English. So maybe “a lot of us” should get off his fat white arse and learn it then. Failing that, you could always resort to sign language. First point your thumb backwards at yourself, then, your fingers held flat at right-angles to your palms, stretch your arms out to the side completely, next point at your backside, and finally make a little ‘o’ sign with finger and thumb. Do that, or alternatively just show them your face, and they’ll get the message.

More from Bruce Grant, aka veteran novelist Cuger Brant. You can tell Bruce/Cuger is a novelist because he spends the whole day sitting in cafés.

All these malingerers should not get anything! When i have a coffee in the morning at the coffee shop before WORK, there are those on benifit, sitting there having their second, third cup free (take note Starbucks). Then i see them going to the local Sally army or soup kitchen for their free lunch( take note charities) after lunch they sit in weatherspoons drinking. I slept rough for a week for charity, I do know what i am talking about. It really was an eye opener!! see part two..
Cuger Brant
Bruce Grant

Imagine having a job where, when the feckless and workshy are on their second or third coffee of the day, you still haven’t started work. Imagine getting to spend all day trudging round after the unemployed or spying on them through the window. It must be great being a tortured genius.

There is scum and there is SCUM. To my mind when I see dossers collecting dole and doing what I have just previously described they are SCUM. If a blind person, a disabled person has the honour, the integrity to find and get work, why do not these fit, able bodied layabouts? Why give them any dole money? Why are they allowed to milk the system?

Oh yes, just to show i’m not too impartial, stop immigration as well! We are full up!!

Cuger Brant
Bruce Grant

Not sure what to make of the last sentence. Is Bruce Grant presenting himself as the maverick rebel, fighting the far-left forces of political impartiality? Or is he trying to tell us that, hey, he’s not just a nosey hypocrite, there’s more to him that that. He’s also an incoherent racist. Give him credit.

Thanks to David for finding this one. It’s from a Times Online article about some ex-pat American bird’s struggle to decide whether her daughter should spend more time in the English countryside (feeding horses) or over in Texas (swimming in the Gulf of Mexico). I guess there are some decisions that nobody can help you with. The comment thread is full of people trying though. They’re mostly offering spectacularly generic advice about “being yourself”. Good call.

And then there’s this.

You are lucky in that you can leave the UK and escape the opressive tyranny that is the EU. The rest of us are stuck here. Believe me, your ‘get ouf jail free’ card is well worth it. If it was up to me, I would out of here before it is too late. The comparisons with the Soviet Union are very real. Keep your eyes and ears open and be ready to move.
Anthony Farrar

I love these ones. Anthony is a short step away from turning into my absolute favourite kind of long-suffering, middle class twat by proclaiming that he’s “ready to fight”. The only thing these fat-fingered gits are likely to end up fighting over is a fucking parking space.

The Burkini. Half veil, half Victorian swimming costume. Seems a little silly, doesn’t it, especially if you give it an amusing name like that. Not so. It is in fact a very serious matter because blah blah Eurabia blah blah eroding our Western culture yadda yadda yadda Islamism. Now you would have thought the previous statement was the stupidest thing you could possibly say on the subject, but that’s not what right-wing blogs are for. It’s just a benchmark for the comments that follow it, so they know the absolute minimum level of angry idiocy they need to attain.

The burka and burkini have very little to do with religion or custom, and everything to do with a form of self inflicted apartheid, and a rejection of the culture and customs of the host nation. I have at times witnessed more women wearing burkas in Wathamstow Market, in East London, than would normally be seen in Lahore. I am unaware of the plural for several burka wearers, but a murder of crows always comes to mind.
Toboo

This is a nice example of why you get a better class of cunt on the Telegraph. Background facts: the plural of burkha wearer is in fact ‘burkha wearers’, and collective nouns are a long, pointless list of words you’ll never actually use in a sentence and the most smug, tedious and unfunny substitute for wit and eloquence the English language has to offer. By the way, did you know that the collective noun for people who comment on news sites is a “shitting bumwank” as in “Have you seen the massive shitting bumwank of racists on the Telegraph site today?”.

I saw a woman at my gym in California come into the pool area wearing one of these recently. YOu should have seen the looks she was getting.

I hate to say it, but these people are manifesting themselves en mass even out here in California now. I thought and hoped that I’dleft it all far behind in London, but no. It’s like a disease.

20 years ago, you couldn’t buy a curry in San Francisco, now there’s a pakistani place on most streets. They don’t waste time. Nightmare.
debunker

You couldn’t buy ipods 20 years ago either. Or Casablanca Special Edition DVD Boxed Sets. In fact, the more things I think of, the more scared I get. You might just have to emigrate again. In fact, if I were you, I’d move to Antarctica, cut yourself off from the world and internet and just sit, surrounded by leg-warmers, rubix cubes and Cindi Lauper tapes, pretending Charles and Di are still married.

debunker – you are so right. I was in JC Penney in Long Beach a couple of years ago, and found some muzzie bint praying to Mecca in the Men’s Levis section. I was so enraged I told her to get herself out in the parking lot if she was going to behave like some alien, and stop offending my Christian (ha-ha) principles. She gathered the hem of her sack and beat it.

They must be stopped.
45govt

You’ve done something very stupid here, 45govt. You see, if you actually type “ha-ha”, even in brackets, people will get the impression you’re joking and don’t really have Christian principles. Then we’ll naturally assume you’re only pretending to be religious as a pretext to bully brown people. Which we all know is true, but the point of pretexts is you have to keep them secret. The best thing to do is probably to spend ten minutes every morning standing in front of the mirror saying “It’s not about race, it’s about defending our culture from a backward, medieval religion”. If you can do that ten times in a row without winking, laughing sarcastically or shouting “NOT!” at the end, the BNP might finally accept your membership.

Thanks to Robyn for this comment on the NHS website. I have to say this commenter is a cut above the average HYSer in terms of intelligence. Not because her post is any more rational, coherent or even readable, quite the opposite in fact, but because instead of hammering out her detailed instructions to Gordon Brown on the BBC or Times messageboards, she has actually found the time to type them into the website of a genuine arm of government and, better still, the one actually concerned with the particular thing she’s terrified of. All power to her I say.

‘debsmk’:
What is the government doing not quick enough for god sake this is serious we need the injections now and every 1 should have it regardless of age it should be given to all straight away this should have been tested years ago why is every one letting them get away with this maybe its who eerv is in space wiping us all out that will teach people who eat animals looks like its pay back time life for a life maybe don’t know action needs to be now injections need to work and it needs to be given next week to all . Come on stop people entering this country now and shut schools for 5 months and keep kids in not allowing them to spread it to every one else stop flights the french have right idea oh wyes but they havent got it have they

Too bloody right a life for a life. That must be what’s happening. You barbaric carnivores have brought swine flu upon us as karmic punishment for your cruel pork-guzzling ways. Hopefully crisis can be abated if we bite the (lettuce) bullet and let the slaughter of innocent animals stop at twenty-nine. Oh and stop immigration. That always helps, whatever the issue.

I’m having a week or two off work. The idea of spending any of my holiday sifting through that stinking mess doesn’t really appeal, so it’s all been a bit quiet. Alex has been busy though so I’ll get his work all queued up and ready to release. Like a saline drip with piss in it. Here’s the first.
- Nelson

An odd breed, the loudmouths who make up the Silent Majority, exhibiting any or all of the following symptoms: They consider themselves ordinary working people because they never did very well at school and the finest minds of their generation due to their well-paid white-collar job. They see themselves as revolutionaries for resisting every policy that might slightly alter society and as a lone voice of reason because they’re very, very angry and the whole country is behind them. Also they’re definitely, DEFINITELY not racist (only ethnics are racist these days) and are courageous champions of the working classes despite their paralysing fear of strikes and poor people. Which brings me to whatever the fuck Andy sent in:

THESE TRAIN DRIVERS ARE TAKING THE BISCUIT! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YOU GET SUPPOSEDLY POOR WORKING CONDITIONS AND PAY “GOD WE HEAR ABOUT IT ENOUGH”…BOO HOO!!! I DONT KNOW ANYONE THAT GOD A PAYRISE ARE THESE SO CALLED PEOPLE FOR REAL! ITS A JOKE! AND ANOTHERTHING WHILST IM GETTING 6 BUSSES AND TRAINS TO WORK TOMORROW, IF I GET MUGGED BY A GROUP OF CHAVS ON A BUS (THEIR LOCAL HANG OUT) WILL THE ALMIGHTLY UNION REPS PAY ME COMPENSATION? I DONT THINK SO. SO THEY CAN STICK THIS IN THEIR PIPE AND SMOKE IT AS FAR AS IM CONCERNED!!! AND DO ONE!
Bb, romford

Don’t forget though, if they hadn’t called a strike and you’d taken the train, they’d have had to compensate the buschavs for loss of earnings. I guess it was more prudent to inconvenience you instead because you’re a self-important, whiny cock.

Thanks to Ste for finding the artificial sperm discussion. I say ‘discussion’, I imagine it’s some kind of Oulipo project to write a paranoid sapphic version of Brave New World in 500 characters without using punctuation, lower-case letters, intelligence or modesty.

“Scientists claim to have created…; “…the creation of…”; “… have been created…”. So Newton was wrong all along! Who’d have guessed?
Jean Manuforti, London

Sorry Jean, I’m baffled. You might need a few more words.

Dear Scientist:

Please Stop cloning sheep, we have loads of them. Please stop putting fish genes in out tomatoes. Please stop messing with human sperm, we have loads of humans. Please cure Cancer and HIV and Swine Flu.
Thanks,

The human race.
Chicken Little

And how do you expect Scientist to make this cure for Cancer and HIV and Swine Flu? Don’t forget there’s a global shortage of papier-maché and lolly-sticks at the moment.

Having seen some of the women in my town, waddling around in their summer attire I say bring it on. The idea of donating my sperm to any one of them makes me shiver like a Raspberry jelly. Let’s face it, this will be news, as important as the second coming, (pun intended) to lesbians around the world. We, (mankind), seem hell bent on self destruction, and this is just another nail in the coffin. I could see this as being useful only if a comet struck, or disease came making all men sterile.
Worry Wort, Sheffield, United Kingdom

Don’t worry, Wort. There’ll always be a place for your greasy seed. In that grey sock you keep under the bed.

Does it have a microchip? I mean surely we need human microchips now. Oh! maybe it has microwires? Can it be plugged in to a computer? Well at least it’s another grand step in the right direction of continued control.
tiny bin, Arun District, United Kingdom

We’ve gone over this before. You remember when you got ketchup on your shirt, and you said it meant the government was putting shirts in the ketchup, but then the shirt was much too big to fit in the sachet? Well, it’s the same with the spunk on your keyboard.

I am afraid this is not a record.

I developed sperm in a laboratory over forty years ago and I was assured at the time that I was not the first….
Clogged My Pops, Big Town

Astounding! I think your next big research project should aim to find the difference between “developed” and “leaked”.