spEak You’re bRanes

Thanks to Andy.

Unfortunately our children do not go out on their own anymore. There are a number of pedos in the area that we have been unable to find any details on. Maybe these pedos were introduced to scare us mothers into looking after our kids better.
Densie Satchell, Stevenage

I know exactly how you feel. There are a number of enchanted ducks and fire-breathing cod around here (living off discarded wine gums) but, when I looked on the google internets AND wrote to Esther Rantzen, I found NO DETAILS ABOUT THEM WHATSOEVER. Every time I see a duck (or cod), I have to run around a church widdershins to stop him pulling me down to hell by my winky.

If you love your children at all, you’ll sedate them heavily and keep them in a safety-dungeon.

Oh, and make sure your safety-dungeon has a panic-room, just in case you turn paedo yourself and your kids need to get away from you. TRUST NO-ONE.

Thanks to Matt. These are about AIDS.

Sexual deviations, sex outside the marriage, unprotected sex and reckless blood transfusions enlarge the reach of this disaster. More funds is not the singular magic wand that can arrest this modern plague. Even when the most educated fall prey to the tentacles of this malady, one can well imagine the plight of ignorant fools who easily falter in the heat of the moment. It is a world disaster that overlooks race, religion, colour or creed. A multi-pronged attack is overdue in the now or never.
Aziz Merchant, Fremont, United States

I was quite taken with the idea of “reckless blood transfusions”. I expect they’re performed, just for the hell of it, up a stepladder in a cage full of randy hippos.

Sadly this disaster needs to kill even more and we need a few more massive disasters as well if this planet is to survuive mankind. there are too many of us so we need thinning out. It is either natural disaster or the crusades (christine v muslim) go full scale (not just Iraq) and we wipe loads of us out and include china & india in this too. Sad but true
Mad Max 4, St Annes

Poor Christine.

It is a disaster which is a shame because it all could have been prevented 25 years ago. Our governments knew and tracked the small group of promiscuous people who first began spreading the disease they contracted from chimpanzee populations in Africa. Had these people been removed from the population countless lives would have been saved. It exposes the failure of indecisiveness and political correctness.
Patricia Henley UK

If only there were more researchers like you working on this. I look forward to seeing your findings published in the “Keith Chegwin Journal Of Immunology & TV Schedules”.

Gone a bit sporadic I’m afraid. I have a long queue of stuff to post but no time to post it. Should have a bit more time next week.

In the mean time, thanks to Joanne for this from the debate on closing/improving schools.

Clos e the school and do what with the kids? Dump them on our streets to get into more gangs and commuitt more crimes?? They cant read or wright anyway and the schools arent alowed to beat them when their badso whats the piont of even having schools like this anyway

Closing these worthless schools wont help, we need to bring back old fashioned standards and have total discpline against bad kids and no more do gooders lecturing us about yobs “rights”. Are you listening Mr. Brown? Off course not
Mark Patriot, S Island, Scotland

Total discipline! Full spectrum dominance! Beat the children! Did you come in your pants again?

Never mind. If you move to another country, you might last a few years before they discover you and put you on their “register”.

From the vaults. Thanks to Phillip for this one.

first things first,should these discs have fallen into peodophiles hands,my daughter is at risk,i have taught her about strangers but what if someone goes up to her and says her name?! should anything happen to me,my bank or my daughter i will be holding GB and whatever idiot this buck finally comes down to PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE and I mean PERSONALLY!
This is one mess up too many! get rid of Gb and bring in David Cameron. Who ever voted Labour needs to realise we are all being had here!
louise, surrey

Hey Louise. Did you know that, whenever you use the internet (even the BBC), a paedophile or muslim can track your IP address? Every time you post on the “Tiffany Lampshade Forum” you’re basically condoning child abuse and supporting terrorists.

Thanks to Chris.

When they start adding fluoride to mains water, I will definately be drinking bottled water.
the nazis added fluoride to the drinking water in concentration camps, it was not their teeth they were concerned with.
john Adair, Hull, United Kingdom

As if these early attempts at execution by fluoridation weren’t terrifying enough, they later began to use Zyklon B, reducing the median survival time from 46 years to about 4 minutes.

Another one from months ago. Thanks to Mark for this one concerning HMRC’s lost disks.

I am just as concerned as everyone else regarding the identity theft side of things. But what worries me most is that my childs name, sex, and address are on those details.If those details fall into the hands of a paedophile they have all they need to target a child of there choice in their own home! Or they could target them when they leave the house/ after school. They will also know the childs parents & siblings names. Perfect if they want to impersonate a friend! I am furious about this!
Jason, Bristol

Totally. I’m a horrible paedo but I only fancy kids called “Milton” and it’s a bastard finding them. This list is already proving a real boon.

Apparently, Radio 1 have edited the word “faggot” out of “Fairytale of New York”. This seems to have caused a massive stir which proves that either:
1) Some people actually DO listen to that hysterical twittering pre-teen shitcast
or
2) Everyone commenting on it is just bored/stupid/angry.

I shall be having pork ‘fagg*ts’ in gravy for my tea tonight, before washing my dishes in ‘fairy’ liquid. Then I shall relax in my reclining chair with my feet up on a leather ‘pouf’ whilst admiring my vase of ‘tulips’. I shall have a ‘gay’ old time with ‘nancy’ unless I come over all ‘queer’.

Seriously though, it’s rubbish. I have a mate who is a Para and is homosexual. You can call him p**fter, nancy, queer and he couldn’t care less. Call him gay and you will need a good dentist.
andy williams, Holyhead

He’s not gay alright? He’s a poofter with a parachute.

Censorship or no censorship, who cares? I just find the christmas songs on Radio 1 a nice refreshing break from the chart rubbish they play over and over again everyday, I’m sure there is about 20 songs that are played all day. Radio 1 is poor, i listen to Chris Moyles in the morning as i find him and his team funny, but the music is truely awful. Moyles actually seems to have good taste in music but unfortunately is forced by his bosses to play rubbish all morning. Shame.
Andy, Northampton

Who’d have thought that “The cunt who likes to hear christmas songs all fucking day” and “The cunt who likes Chris fucking Moyles” would actually turn out to be the same cunt?

In the Dambusters there’s a black dog with a name so offensive I can’t get this website to accept it. It spoils the film for me, but I don’t know what to do about it, I really don’t. If this website won’t tolerate the word, correctly in my view, why should the film? The use of the word in any context is encouragement or incitement.
Diane, Sutton

I too live in fear of ever hearing the word “nigger” in case it triggers a load of slavery. It’s almost completely spoiled my enjoyment of hip-hop due to the frequent occurrence of the word “nigger”. I’ve had to avoid all half-decent music and listen to that lame-ass “gangsta” shit they drop on the radio because at least they censor out the word “nigger”. Niggers oughta realize.

Are Nativity plays out of date?

We will soon be getting taught the Koran at school and the bible will be banned.
[Liberal_left_bias]

As if God would let that happen! Silly.

I wonder how long it will be before the pragmatic neo-Left-wing PC brigade condescend to claim that the age-old British Christmas pantomime is now out of date?
The Grumpy Old Man, Cymru am Byth… Cadw Cymru Dacluso, United Kingdom

Neo-Left-Wing PC Brigade??? What planet are you on? I think you’ll find it’s the Crypto-Liberal Enviro-Fascist Taleban who are protesting against pantomimes. I just phoned the Neo-Left-Wing PC Brigade and apparently they are trying to ban mashed potato because they heard that you like it and they think you’re a cunt.

Mel found ReallyWorried.com. It’s a site where people can share their worries. Seems to consist of people asking for and receiving advice about things like health and money. In a stroke of lunatic genius, however, they’ve added a “Current Affairs” section. I think we know what comes next.

Really Worried about Ulrika Jonsson
She is pregnant (once again) with her fourth child. Her other three children are from three different fathers.
karlo - written 29 days ago

Really Worried about Amy Winehouse
She is always in the papers for drink, drugs and self harming. Her husband is currently remanded in custody.
jan59 - written 6 days ago

I’ve been worrying about Frodo Baggins in that scene from that film where Frodo Baggins gets into danger. You know the bit where he’s on the horse with that bloke from Aerosmith’s daughter and she’s riding along and Frodo is all blue and flopping about and you’re clutching the sofa and screaming “OI ARWEN! YOUR HOBBIT’S GONE WABBY!” and you worry that he might die? Damn. I barely slept a wink last night.

Entertainingly, it appears that the chap who runs the site showed up commenting on the “About” page. He says “I don’t get what you are saying about the site. Please explain”. Can it possibly be that he doesn’t find some of the worries hilariously, arse-bendingly daft? Either that, or he’s just trying to generate a bit more traffic. Here you go chap.

Also, he’s the absolute spit of Harry Hill. Gaze upon the face of Richard Rubin. Quality.

This disturbing comment was submitted by both Becca and Kat. Should women be doing more exercise? Not if they know what’s good for them.

Women are becoming fatter - maybe there is a deep-rooted reason for this. Too many rapists out there, illegal criminals let out of prison, rape law against women in favour of men, one of the reasons why I put on weight, for protection.
Caroline, UK

Finally, a use for the word “unrapeable”.