spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Robyn for this comment on the NHS website. I have to say this commenter is a cut above the average HYSer in terms of intelligence. Not because her post is any more rational, coherent or even readable, quite the opposite in fact, but because instead of hammering out her detailed instructions to Gordon Brown on the BBC or Times messageboards, she has actually found the time to type them into the website of a genuine arm of government and, better still, the one actually concerned with the particular thing she’s terrified of. All power to her I say.

‘debsmk’:
What is the government doing not quick enough for god sake this is serious we need the injections now and every 1 should have it regardless of age it should be given to all straight away this should have been tested years ago why is every one letting them get away with this maybe its who eerv is in space wiping us all out that will teach people who eat animals looks like its pay back time life for a life maybe don’t know action needs to be now injections need to work and it needs to be given next week to all . Come on stop people entering this country now and shut schools for 5 months and keep kids in not allowing them to spread it to every one else stop flights the french have right idea oh wyes but they havent got it have they

Too bloody right a life for a life. That must be what’s happening. You barbaric carnivores have brought swine flu upon us as karmic punishment for your cruel pork-guzzling ways. Hopefully crisis can be abated if we bite the (lettuce) bullet and let the slaughter of innocent animals stop at twenty-nine. Oh and stop immigration. That always helps, whatever the issue.

I’m having a week or two off work. The idea of spending any of my holiday sifting through that stinking mess doesn’t really appeal, so it’s all been a bit quiet. Alex has been busy though so I’ll get his work all queued up and ready to release. Like a saline drip with piss in it. Here’s the first.
- Nelson

An odd breed, the loudmouths who make up the Silent Majority, exhibiting any or all of the following symptoms: They consider themselves ordinary working people because they never did very well at school and the finest minds of their generation due to their well-paid white-collar job. They see themselves as revolutionaries for resisting every policy that might slightly alter society and as a lone voice of reason because they’re very, very angry and the whole country is behind them. Also they’re definitely, DEFINITELY not racist (only ethnics are racist these days) and are courageous champions of the working classes despite their paralysing fear of strikes and poor people. Which brings me to whatever the fuck Andy sent in:

THESE TRAIN DRIVERS ARE TAKING THE BISCUIT! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT YOU GET SUPPOSEDLY POOR WORKING CONDITIONS AND PAY “GOD WE HEAR ABOUT IT ENOUGH”…BOO HOO!!! I DONT KNOW ANYONE THAT GOD A PAYRISE ARE THESE SO CALLED PEOPLE FOR REAL! ITS A JOKE! AND ANOTHERTHING WHILST IM GETTING 6 BUSSES AND TRAINS TO WORK TOMORROW, IF I GET MUGGED BY A GROUP OF CHAVS ON A BUS (THEIR LOCAL HANG OUT) WILL THE ALMIGHTLY UNION REPS PAY ME COMPENSATION? I DONT THINK SO. SO THEY CAN STICK THIS IN THEIR PIPE AND SMOKE IT AS FAR AS IM CONCERNED!!! AND DO ONE!
Bb, romford

Don’t forget though, if they hadn’t called a strike and you’d taken the train, they’d have had to compensate the buschavs for loss of earnings. I guess it was more prudent to inconvenience you instead because you’re a self-important, whiny cock.

Thanks to Ste for finding the artificial sperm discussion. I say ‘discussion’, I imagine it’s some kind of Oulipo project to write a paranoid sapphic version of Brave New World in 500 characters without using punctuation, lower-case letters, intelligence or modesty.

“Scientists claim to have created…; “…the creation of…”; “… have been created…”. So Newton was wrong all along! Who’d have guessed?
Jean Manuforti, London

Sorry Jean, I’m baffled. You might need a few more words.

Dear Scientist:

Please Stop cloning sheep, we have loads of them. Please stop putting fish genes in out tomatoes. Please stop messing with human sperm, we have loads of humans. Please cure Cancer and HIV and Swine Flu.
Thanks,

The human race.
Chicken Little

And how do you expect Scientist to make this cure for Cancer and HIV and Swine Flu? Don’t forget there’s a global shortage of papier-maché and lolly-sticks at the moment.

Having seen some of the women in my town, waddling around in their summer attire I say bring it on. The idea of donating my sperm to any one of them makes me shiver like a Raspberry jelly. Let’s face it, this will be news, as important as the second coming, (pun intended) to lesbians around the world. We, (mankind), seem hell bent on self destruction, and this is just another nail in the coffin. I could see this as being useful only if a comet struck, or disease came making all men sterile.
Worry Wort, Sheffield, United Kingdom

Don’t worry, Wort. There’ll always be a place for your greasy seed. In that grey sock you keep under the bed.

Does it have a microchip? I mean surely we need human microchips now. Oh! maybe it has microwires? Can it be plugged in to a computer? Well at least it’s another grand step in the right direction of continued control.
tiny bin, Arun District, United Kingdom

We’ve gone over this before. You remember when you got ketchup on your shirt, and you said it meant the government was putting shirts in the ketchup, but then the shirt was much too big to fit in the sachet? Well, it’s the same with the spunk on your keyboard.

I am afraid this is not a record.

I developed sperm in a laboratory over forty years ago and I was assured at the time that I was not the first….
Clogged My Pops, Big Town

Astounding! I think your next big research project should aim to find the difference between “developed” and “leaked”.

Slightly woolly from Glastonbury still. Alex has been busy though, so I’ll start publishing his fine work. Here’s one about the fucking internet.
- Nelson

Thanks to Matthew. How may the internet change to please you?

They also need to keep porn or a well known auction site out of my every search. If I want these I can search for them.
[jackmaxsam]

Exactly. Then they should make it so the words I type into the search engine mean what I meant them to mean and not the other meanings, so I only get results I want. And close down sites I don’t use to make more room. And make sure the ones I do use offer premium subscriptions for free and get updated as often as I look at them. But not too often so I have time to reread ones I like and don’t fall behind and end up confused. And put my TV programmes on when I’m IN, fuckdammit.

I would like the web to be free of pornography, specifically child pornography.
[nicebeeblebum], East Riding, United Kingdom

Odd. Most people just want pornography to be free. Though I suppose then perverts could still have wanks, so maybe your way’s better.

Are there applications that can be built on the web that you would like to see? Get rid of all Porn. Child Porn, adult porn the lot.
We The People

Google should write an application that just abolishes fucking altogether. Problem solved.

Thank God there’s a voice of reason, someone who saw that episode of Coupling with the speech about technology and women’s bottoms and learned from it:

There is a filter in google to stop you getting porn. But don’t dis the porn! If it wasn’t for porn not only would there be no interent, there would be no written word.
Sam

It’s true. The earliest known sample of writing, a tablet of Etruscan cuneiform dating back to fifteen thousand BC, translates roughly as “chubby russian teen (donkey OR goat) anal”.

Thanks to Stu. Another valiant effort to combine all society’s ills into one perverted, swarthy, benefit-guzzling scapegoat. It’s also divided into handy paragraphs, moving neatly from “largely sensible”, through “scared, angry skinflint”, to “conspiracy theory and free association”.

Posted by: ion | May 15, 2009 7:20 PM
It is obvious to see that things are very wrong at the highest level but isn’t time to start denouncing expenses and waste at a local authority level too? We pay council taxes and business rates and instead of seeing these taxes being injected into policing and infrastructure, things are degrading.
I have recently seen the most infuriating act of unjustified expenditure in my borough. A whole refugee therapy center in the center of London that not only cost approximately £2 million but also is planted right next to a school (nursery, primary). Needless to say that this very therapy center has windows overlooking the schools.
So not only money was spent by the council like there’s no tomorrow but rules must have been bent in terms of protecting children, very young children, from people that need therapy.

Thing is, if these refugees have had to leave their own children behind, the temptation to peer at photogenic, blue-eyed white kids through council-funded paedoscopes will be simply too much. And, as everyone knows, the psychological effects of torture include manic bummermania and compulsive sneakiness. As if this wasn’t bad enough, their (taxpayer funded) X-Ray Molesting Glasses have been known to cause face-cancer in normal people.

Best not take the risk and just spend the cash on “ion” next time, eh?

God knows why, maybe Bob Jackson made me want to up the stakes, but one day, I found myself wondering how our old friend [mugged_as_mp_laughs] lives, and what he actually does for a living. It wasn’t difficult, as he’s rather forthcoming about his lifestyle. In fact I think he wants us to praise and emulate him.

Thats the problem fellas.

You LET them have too much.

A womans place is looking after the home, being there for the children and pleasing her husband.

Shame they took out the bit of the marriage vows “Love, Honour and OBEY”

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

You know he’s single ladies.

I have lived on my own for 8 years now since I was 44.

Lonely ???? I LOVE IT.

ALL the time in the world to do what I want to do now I’m retired.

I suppose I am anti-social, but I find, that if you talk to anyone, you cannot help but take on their problems or end up moaning about things.

I suppose I am what you call a hermit or recluse. Who cares ? I have no interest in other human beings and their self centred problems.

Jack is alright I suppose but our ‘free’ society made me like it.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

You know I never had you down as the sociopath type. Still, it’s good you have all this time to enjoy life’s simpler pleasures, like sitting on the internet moaning about things, wanking and moaning about things some more. Do you use social networking sites by the way? I hear they’re very popular.

150 Million ?????

These children really should get out and meet real people !!!!!

Good grief !

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

If only they could see you, hunched in a fraying dressing gown and egg-stained underpants over a glowing monitor, rattling out anonymous anger to people who wouldn’t care a jot if you keeled over right now. (I mean Have Your Sayers, I for one would be grinning like a chimp for days). One look at your empty eyes, your grim frown and the self-satisfied smirk as you hit ‘Post’, and they’d be out down the Youth Club before you could say “paid mourners”. Anyway, what’s your favourite food?

I have tried them once but I still think Pizza is cheese on toast with leftovers from our dinner plates sprinkled on !!!!

Still, if you want to waste money, go right ahead.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

I shouldn’t be telling anyone this in a recession as it could destroy the last remnants of the British food industry, but cheese is actually mouldy milk and toast is just cooked bread. There, I’ve fucked the country, but it’s worth it just to sap another tiny bit of colour from your drab, grey and miserable life.

Thanks to Dave. Something about fox-hunting, not that you’d know.

I’m also fed up of animal rights groups being in charge of everything. They’ve taken over the supermarket, the petrol station, the council, the dog-track, the grocers, the butchers, the bakers, the candlestick-makers, they’re inside my computer and my coffee-grinder and they won’t stop or go away.

Will they never leave us alone!?

Freddy Flintoff, Somewhere up narth, United Kingdom

Just the other day I caught a couple in my noticeboard, pulling all the drawing pins out of pictures of animals. I’ve also found them a few times in my underpants drawer, confiscating the elastic. Oh, and remember! Always shake out your shoes before putting them on, in case animal rights groups have made their nest inside. They might be tiny, but they can deliver a powerful bite!

Thanks to everyone and his dog for sending these comments on Google Street View in, but specifically to Andrew and Sharon.

One Step too far. Privacy is a huge issue with this, effectively allowing (in a fixed slice of time) somebody to stalk another. For example, one my my colleagues is clearly visible on Street View, his face is blurred but it’s obvious who he is. What if he was walking down the street with someone else? If it was a woman, he could be in trouble with his wife (for no reason), if it was a man perhaps his boss would be wondering if it’s a recruitment agent, or the competition?
Rob Morgan, Leeds

What if he was with a man and a woman?? His boss might think he was bisexual. Or how about if he’d been walking with five people and a couple of dogs? Perhaps his friends might think he was having a party and didn’t invite them? Or his wife might think he was fucking one of the dogs. What if he was wearing a t-shirt that had “Bollock” written on it? Or a special shoe? Or shit trousers? Or a hat that made him look wank? Google certainly has a lot to answer for.

Meanwhile Neil C seems to have confused “terrorists” with “tourists”. An easy enough mistake to make after eight years of George Bush.

This worries me. This is a great way for terrorists to check out the target without actually going to the place.

Terrorists who are stalking a potential target will stand out like a saw thumb with their different clothes and their cameras and their different languages.

If my house is being cased by terrorsis I can see them from my CCTV cameras I hve around my property or when they trigger the alarms by walking on the trip wire.

yes another infringement of my personal liberties me thinks
Neil C, ENGLAND

I heard their religion forbids them from wearing normal-people clothes, even as a disguise. They’re only allowed to use oversized green cameras and they have to shout “Addis Ababa” every time they take a photo.

Thanks to Ellie for pointing me at this, and finding the last comment. The advance of technology. No need to carry a pocketful of cumbersome, jangling coins around. No more running out of the pub in the rain to find a hole in the wall, or desperately trying to get change for the vending machine. Cash gradually and naturally dies out. Surely nobody could make a paranoid dystopian fantasy around that.

One thing I like about cash – the government can’t track exactly what you spend your money on.

Linda, Oxford

I don’t know if you’ve been reading the news Linda, but the government can’t track full stop. The government can’t track laptops, CD-Roms, memory-sticks and paper reports when it’s actually holding them. Even if they cared enough to try, they’d never find out that you still buy Just 17 at the age of thirty-eight.

A cashless society would be just another facet of Gordon Brown’s Nu-liebour totalitarian Britain.
ID cards, telephone and email monitoring, satellite vehicle tracking, CCTV on every corner, overseas travel tracked, and now EVERY monetary transaction on record.

Winston Smith, Shoeburyness, England

Tread carefully Winston. The Government can see your bookshelves and know you haven’t opened your copy of Nineteen Eighty-Four.

This is the next step towards a global Orwellian state that David Icke has been predicting since 1990. A cashless society were all transactions are recorded and controlled by the ruling elite.

The next step, Human microchipping with cash credits embedded on your personalised chip. Go against the system and zap, no credit, no food and shelter, end result total control.

Wake up sheep before its too late.

[neworldorder]

Most recommended comment. My quality of life improved severalfold when I started imagining these in the voice of Dale Gribble.

Thanks to Declan for finding this pair of comments on a Guardian article about an animated film.

I must say that I have been totally offended and I will not see this movie. I don’t know if anyone caught it but in the trailer as the man is scanning they have actually put in a …PENIS being scanned. Do we have to continue to take things “to the next level” in a childrens animated movie? Two thumbs down. Very Very poor judgement from the film company to NBC to airing it!!!!
tmckib – 02 Feb 09, 2:02am

I stand corrected and apologize. Upon showing it to my wife as we reviewed it, we found that it was his elbow and the shirt on his arm is what I thought was this image. So I more than likely will still go and see it. Again I am sorry for posting the prior message.
tmckib – 02 Feb 09, 3:34am

Update: There’s not much to add to this one but eliMordino noticed “[...] the pause before ‘PENIS’. I imagine him with a handkerchief held to his mouth, pure horror on his face.”