Hey, kids. Remember the 1980s revival a few years back? Well, here it is again, this time with added social realism. Just as George Osborne is getting ready to make 1.3 million people unemployed, the government is going to sew up disability benefits so tightly that only limbless, headless torsos and brains in jars will qualify. Honestly, it’s like punk only just happened!
But what do the spluttering breadheads at This Is Money think? Go on, guess.
Thanks to Ken.
Quite right too.
Recently I followed a couple of people after they had signed on for their job seekers dole and found that 5 of them were actually working,one guy as a betting shop manager only yards from the dole office he uses.Time to stop these spongers.
R Markson, Manchester
Ladies. Can you make out that figure over there, crouching in the bushes outside your house? That’s R Markson. But don’t worry! He’s only making sure you don’t commit any benefit fraud or anything. Just act like he’s not there. Don’t you normally do some stretches about this time?
The labour party paid out beefits willy nilly only to buy votes
Mike, Penzance
I remember when the Labour party came round offering me beefits concealed in a discreet brown envelope. But I was smart. I told them I couldn’t promise to vote for them, although I might after a little more persuasion. Well, they were dropping by twice a week after that, right up to polling day. Now I can’t move for fucking beefits. They’re making my life hell. Please help me.
It’s interesting that people say there aren’t enough jobs to go round, yet half a million Poles showed up here a couple of years back and found work immediately – for example working in the chicken factory in Llanelli, or picking cabbages in Essex. When I was chucked out of a high-paying job twenty-five years ago I spent 3 months driving trucks, stacking paint in warehouses, and shifting furniture for LESS than I would have got on the rock’n'roll (since I had a wife and two kids). At the end of that period I still couldn’t find a job so I started my own business, working out of the back bedroom.
That’s where the jobs come from, chaps. Once you go on benefits, you’ll never get off again – starter jobs always pay less.
Jim Blythe, Cardiff
Yeah, scumbags, that’s where the jobs come from – Jim’s back bedroom, where you’ll find a low-resolution video camera, three barrels of vegetable oil and a pile of beefits that goes all the way up to the ceiling. Apply in writing, with photo. No time wasters.
Is it me or have i started seeing things,since the chancellor anounced he is going to start cutting incapacity benefit, there has has been a sudden surge in wheelchairs and walking sticks? from people who look like they do not need them ?? two words spring to mind – CON ARTISTS..
Michael, lancs
Personally, Michael, I think you’re fucking cracked. But it would be a suspicious coincidence, wouldn’t it? The Treasury announces a crackdown on benefit fraud, so naturally a load of people go out and commit benefit fraud. It makes perfect sense when you don’t think about it.
yeah bring it on, but i don’t think it will happen, there isn’t any jobs anyway,unless we send all immigrant s home that wouldn’t b a bad thing,british jobs for english workers
N Thatcher, bath
Nargaret is going all-out imperialistic on us. British jobs for English workers. So fuck you, the Scottish! Get out, Welshers, this call centre is ours now! Nice restaurant you’ve got here, Irish. Be a terrible shame if it suddenly got taken over by the English. Whoops, butterfingers!
Don’t just cut benefits, reduce the number of benefits there are – housing benefit/local housing allowance should be combined with jobseekers allowance instead of administered separately. If people can’t be trusted to pay their rent themselves, that’s their problem.
Privatise Jobcentre Plus, and make its staff behave like recruitment consultants driven by targets – and scrap the useless Pathways to Work scheme – there is nothing that they can’t do that can’t be done by jobclubs.
Merge or shut down most universities (especially ex-polytechnics) and make companies take on apprentices. One family friend started work as an articled clerk and retired as a circuit judge – we need to return to that instead of lumbering people with student debts for useless degrees.
Jobseeker, South London
I can see what Jobseeker did here. Having demanded an unworkable oversimplification of our complex system of benefits, and called for Jobcentre staff to effectively retrain as recruitment consultants – because we need more of them in the world – Jobseeker (who I’m going to assume is a man because I’m a dreadful misandrist) read back his post and, being an utter fucking cockslap, thought to himself, “no, this is far too reasonable. What can I do to make myself seem even more insanely rightwing and stupid? Ah, I know: ‘shut down most universities.’ High five!”