spEak You're bRanes

Hey, kids. Remember the 1980s revival a few years back? Well, here it is again, this time with added social realism. Just as George Osborne is getting ready to make 1.3 million people unemployed, the government is going to sew up disability benefits so tightly that only limbless, headless torsos and brains in jars will qualify. Honestly, it’s like punk only just happened!

But what do the spluttering breadheads at This Is Money think? Go on, guess.

Thanks to Ken.

Quite right too.
Recently I followed a couple of people after they had signed on for their job seekers dole and found that 5 of them were actually working,one guy as a betting shop manager only yards from the dole office he uses.Time to stop these spongers.
R Markson, Manchester

Ladies. Can you make out that figure over there, crouching in the bushes outside your house? That’s R Markson. But don’t worry! He’s only making sure you don’t commit any benefit fraud or anything. Just act like he’s not there. Don’t you normally do some stretches about this time?

The labour party paid out beefits willy nilly only to buy votes
Mike, Penzance

I remember when the Labour party came round offering me beefits concealed in a discreet brown envelope. But I was smart. I told them I couldn’t promise to vote for them, although I might after a little more persuasion. Well, they were dropping by twice a week after that, right up to polling day. Now I can’t move for fucking beefits. They’re making my life hell. Please help me.

It’s interesting that people say there aren’t enough jobs to go round, yet half a million Poles showed up here a couple of years back and found work immediately – for example working in the chicken factory in Llanelli, or picking cabbages in Essex. When I was chucked out of a high-paying job twenty-five years ago I spent 3 months driving trucks, stacking paint in warehouses, and shifting furniture for LESS than I would have got on the rock’n'roll (since I had a wife and two kids). At the end of that period I still couldn’t find a job so I started my own business, working out of the back bedroom.

That’s where the jobs come from, chaps. Once you go on benefits, you’ll never get off again – starter jobs always pay less.
Jim Blythe, Cardiff

Yeah, scumbags, that’s where the jobs come from – Jim’s back bedroom, where you’ll find a low-resolution video camera, three barrels of vegetable oil and a pile of beefits that goes all the way up to the ceiling. Apply in writing, with photo. No time wasters.

Is it me or have i started seeing things,since the chancellor anounced he is going to start cutting incapacity benefit, there has has been a sudden surge in wheelchairs and walking sticks? from people who look like they do not need them ?? two words spring to mind – CON ARTISTS..
Michael, lancs

Personally, Michael, I think you’re fucking cracked. But it would be a suspicious coincidence, wouldn’t it? The Treasury announces a crackdown on benefit fraud, so naturally a load of people go out and commit benefit fraud. It makes perfect sense when you don’t think about it.

yeah bring it on, but i don’t think it will happen, there isn’t any jobs anyway,unless we send all immigrant s home that wouldn’t b a bad thing,british jobs for english workers
N Thatcher, bath

Nargaret is going all-out imperialistic on us. British jobs for English workers. So fuck you, the Scottish! Get out, Welshers, this call centre is ours now! Nice restaurant you’ve got here, Irish. Be a terrible shame if it suddenly got taken over by the English. Whoops, butterfingers!

Don’t just cut benefits, reduce the number of benefits there are – housing benefit/local housing allowance should be combined with jobseekers allowance instead of administered separately. If people can’t be trusted to pay their rent themselves, that’s their problem.

Privatise Jobcentre Plus, and make its staff behave like recruitment consultants driven by targets – and scrap the useless Pathways to Work scheme – there is nothing that they can’t do that can’t be done by jobclubs.
Merge or shut down most universities (especially ex-polytechnics) and make companies take on apprentices. One family friend started work as an articled clerk and retired as a circuit judge – we need to return to that instead of lumbering people with student debts for useless degrees.
Jobseeker, South London

I can see what Jobseeker did here. Having demanded an unworkable oversimplification of our complex system of benefits, and called for Jobcentre staff to effectively retrain as recruitment consultants – because we need more of them in the world – Jobseeker (who I’m going to assume is a man because I’m a dreadful misandrist) read back his post and, being an utter fucking cockslap, thought to himself, “no, this is far too reasonable. What can I do to make myself seem even more insanely rightwing and stupid? Ah, I know: ‘shut down most universities.’ High five!”

O mankind, thy nature be thy downfall!

See, the problem with us humans is our duality and shit, the eternal raging battle between our loftier ideals and our raw, bestial urges. For every word of Baudelaire there’s at least two thousand glued-shut copies of Razzle littering the hedgerows of Lancashire alone.

And nowhere is our species’ tragic condition more evident than in these two generous slices of pungent cheese, thoughtfully cut by Randy from some HYS nonsense about some telly programme or something.

There is nothing to which television shows will not sink to attract bigger audiences: Ok, the lowest common denominator is where the action is, tells us a lot about our so-called civilisation!
ian cheese

An admirable stance, Mr cheese! But then, having spent all of three minutes drooling through his vibrating Bundy eyeballs at Corin’s norks, he gets the horn and we see his high horse bolt from under him to dry-hump a Bravissimo catalogue.

I hope the female wrestler is a lesbian & make love to the beauty queens & the dwarf will be the voyeur.
ian cheese

Christ alone knows how he managed it, but if you look at the above post in its original context, you’ll find it’s actually stained with gobs of tear-diluted jism.

Alasdair found this comment on the Sky News website, about that very young man who climbed that very tall mountain. Someone wasn’t impressed.

I know its a great achievement and well done and all that but why isn’t he at school. If i tried to take my lad out of school to climb everest i’d have the school fining me and the social services arresting me for putting him in danger. Not that my lad would want to climb a mountain but you see my point. Never the less well done to him.
muddy90

In a strange parallel world, where social services have the power of arrest and the internet is a roadside cafe just off the North Circular, muddy90 sits alone in the corner, drinking from a chipped mug. He looks a bit like Charlie from Eastenders, but thicker. His childhood dreams of conquering the earth’s highest peak remain unfulfilled, and his son is unwilling to live them out for him, being more interested – as boys are these days – in his Nintendo Megabox, and his Power Rangers, and filming spit-roasts and stabbings on his phone.

A tear rolls down his cheek, falls into his mug. He looks down. His mug’s full of sick. He’s been drinking sick.

Thanks to PY. On the Big Swiss Apocalypse Donut.

Posted by: Trevor on March 30, 2010 9:00 AM

I wish these people wouldstop “experimenting” with things they admit they don’t understand. Nobody knows what the consequences might be if those beams are made to cross.

But of course that’s what they’re going to do, Trevor. Abhorrent as it sounds, the four-eyed eccentric science professors at the LHC actually want the beams to cross. Timid, bookish nerds with glasses look out for their own, and if it means Sigourney Weaver might stick her tongue down Rick Moranis’ throat, they don’t give two shits if a dirty great marshmallow eats New York.

About something called mephedrone or some such. Never heard of it myself, of course. I don’t move in such circles.

I was under the impression that Ministers where supposed to govern the country and not rely on advisers. It is quite simple a Minister stands up and says its banned until such time the awaited report is produced when a further decision will be taken. Those that want to embroil children into the shady world of drugs and supply plant food to them can then have the option of going to court and ask for a Judical Review of the Minister’s decision. I’ve got a pound that says they wont go to court. I’ve got another pound that says there isn’t a minister in this government that’s brave enough to take the decision.
Phil Davies

Fuck it, why not just ban everything in the world until someone can present a watertight case for it not being illegal? Just to be on the safe side.

The case against shouting at squirrels:

• Noise pollution
• Squirrel distress
• Sore throat

The case for shouting at squirrels:

• Erm

Based on the evidence put before the court, shouting at squirrels shall remain an offence. Now we’ll hear the Crown versus Lightly Tickling The Inside Of One’s Own Forearm.

Thanks to Generalist for this. Oh look, Jon Venables did a drawing when he was ten that isn’t of fairies and ponies like most boys’ drawings are. Quick, think of a comment that expresses how much you love all the precious kiddiwinks!

We should have hung them when they were ten. Killing children is wrong and should be punished by death.

Pritesh Hathalia, Leicester

Ideally the hangman should be eight years old so we can go after him next.

How far would you go to prevent a fuzzy outline of your genitals being one of hundreds seen every day by a bored security worker?

1 The Rapiscan is not an x-ray machine it uses “T” rays
2 No one scientifically or Medically qualified has done a study as to the effect of “T” rays on living human tissue.
3 Should I be refused permission to board my flight I will immediately strip totally naked in the security queue and show the staff and everyone that I am clean and have no impediments to boarding.
4) Having been seen naked and proved my innocence beyond doubt I will sue Manchester Airport and the British government for millions for denying me my absolute right to travel under admiralty law the highest law on the planet..

john marsh

Funnily enough I know John Marsh. I was behind him in the queue at Tesco the other day. Turns out, there’s been no study by anyone scientifically or Medically qualified on the effect of typing in your pin number to the little credit card machine. I won’t go into the details of what happened next, but suffice to say John is about to become a very rich man and it will be a while before I can bring myself to eat sausages again.

Saw an email joke recently, but it made sense. rather than scanning, have each individual traveler step into a giant bomb detonation device. If they don’t blow up, they can properly board. If they do blow up, hey, happy virgin time and we are safe

Richard king

Jesus, Richard, don’t tell us you got a joke that made sense and then keep it from us. You could have used the space where you had your exploding muslim fantasy wank to tell it.

And thanks to Louis for spotting this slightly disappointed pervert:

“but they also afford clear outlines of passengers’ genitals.” What genitals? Some women have breasts, big deal; the rest is on the inside. It’s like looking out the window: there’s nothing to see.

Phil E. Drifter

Phil, take a deep breath. Now look up and look for a green sign saying “EXIT.” Once you go through that door, you will no longer be in a modern art exhibit consisting of mannequins and empty window frames, and the world will make a lot more sense.

A man has been jailed for pushing a woman on railway tracks at Farningham Road Station just because she asked him to stop smoking. What a sad indictment of Broken Britain. These mindless thugs think they can get away with – wait, the bitch asked him to stop smoking? GIVE THAT MAN A MEDAL!

Thanks to Jo, who spotted these quotes at the time.

Good. It’s about time this Nazi behaviour induced by propaganda, lies, behavioural manipulation, poisoning and psychology…. was confronted head on and stopped now before this Government, and the one above it, lead the Lemmings over the Cliff… for a laugh! Wake Up! You are Programmed!

Rob O’Loughlin, Presteigne UK

And the only way to break that programming is to push innocent women onto live railway tracks. Damn that sinister illuminati for not wanting us to attempt murder on anyone who asks us to do things we don’t like. Don’t they know that Hitler lived by exactly the same principles?

I hope the two men never get caught, She is trying to help police society be enforcing fascist rules. The European Charter on Human Rights gives us the right to freedom of expression which smoke falls under. First the government deny us our rights with their tyrannical laws and now the people are trying to enforce them.

James Cochran, Bradford, England

It’s all about the Human Rights here. Infringe someone’s made-up right to smoke, and you’re subject to their equally made-up right to try and kill you. Similarly if an immigrant tries to deny you the freedom of expression to beat him with a stick, you can make up the right to beat him with a stick.

It’s like my grandma always said, “there’s a fine line between righteousness and self-righteousness.” Being a vigilante can lead to unpleasantness, so be sure you’re big enough to take the weight if you decide to go that way.

Azhid Madrors, California

Has anyone else seen the latest issue of Batman? It’s brilliant, first of all he uses his batarang to climb up to the 37th floor of an apartment building. Then he sneaks into the elevator shaft and waits until he hears someone flip open a zippo. Then he uses his bat-polite-voice to point out that the person’s in a shared lobby and there are no-smoking signs up. Of course, Batman was trained in tibetan martial arts so he can take that kind of risk. If you’re a woman you should probably just cower in a corner.

I can believe that people cannot see the effect that nonsensical rules and busybodies are having on the UK.
The argument started because of someone trying to enforce something that is clearly nonsensical and was allowed in this country for more than 178 years.

Farningham road station is not Oxford Circus, its in the middle of nowhere,
The risk to the railway system from someone smoking on an open platform in the middle of nowhere is zero. The platforms are made of non combustible materials and new trains manufactured to BS6853 are also impossible to burn with a cigarette.

If the smoking is offending someone they can move.

I am a non-smoker and I don´t condone what these guys have done, but there does need to be some defiance of the governments stupid rules by somebody.

Fred, Singapore

Bang on Fred. If you don’t like governments passing silly laws on what habits you can express in public, you can go somewhere nice and permissive like Singapore. Well I can’t because I work for Wrigley’s, but in principle, y’know?

Have Your Say is still sicking up nuggets of braingob on Tesco’s pyjama ban. Thanks, Kirsten!

At last they have made a stand. I haven’t been to Tesco for over 5 years. The last time I went I found it noisy, garish and overlit to the point that it gave me a headache. The last straw came when I found two women arguing, using the “f” word and the “c” word in front of their children, never mind the other customers. As I believe in, and practise, good manners to all, I decamped and went to Waitrose. I always leave Waitrose with a smile on my face and a feeling of wellbeing.
[joy557], devizes, United Kingdom

And fair play to [joy557] for cutting straight through to the shrivelled heart of the matter. This isn’t about pyjamas. It’s not about propriety or decorum or the arbitrary designation of items of clothing as nightwear, not be worn outdoors.

Let’s be honest: nothing could be less conducive to the consumerist experience than the sight of the poor, scattered about the place like human litter, swearing in broad accents. They’ve already got Lidl, Aldi, Poundland and Bargain Booze. Why do they have to invade our shops as well?

Thank God, then, for Waitrose, where the shoppers are appropriately dressed, verbal communication is stilted and unexpressive, and the air is suffused with nitrous oxide.

That’s Waitrose.

Something about wearing pyjamas to the shops.

I fully support Tesco’s action. It is high time that all people learned to have and show respect for others and this is just one way to do it. This attitude should prevail in schools, workplaces, actually everywhere and maybe we would then see less ASBOs and cruelty.
Dani Bertschy, Poole, United Kingdom

Yeah, that ought to do it. The crime rate would plummet if everyone took the time to put on a pair of chinos and a smart jacket. I mean, when’s the last time someone well-dressed turned out to be a lying, corrupt, selfish, racist, warmongering, mass-murdering, money-grubbing, right honourable, power-crazed fuck?

I used to live in the Dunfermline area and had cause to speak to the management of Asda.
It was a warm summers day and a man came into the store to buy items for a barbeque, he was only wearing a pair of shorts, no shoes, no top. He was a very hairy and heavy chap and was leaning over open produce counters, I found this to be completely inappropriate. I am not a prude in any sense of the word but his state of undress was suitable for the back garden or the beach NOT A FOOD HALL
Anne-Marie, Stirling

I looked up “prude” in a few online dictionaries for you and found definitions as diverse as:

• a person excessively concerned about propriety and decorum
• a person who is easily shocked by rude things, especially those of a sexual type
• someone who is overly concerned with modest or proper conduct, speech, dress, or the like

… are you absolutely, completely, 100% positive you didn’t mean “prune”?