spEak You’re bRanes

Big shout out to the HYS moderators for asking the question “What philosophical quotation inspires you?“. Brilliant.

No one inspires anyone. I enjoy creating knowledge. There is no one that can inspire without the willingness of you the individual. But it is not them but you. When you read, write or simply just contemplate. You are the creator of knowledge. Not one individual is the same. Try as you will no one is the same, nothing ever means the same. What you think and what you know of life belongs to you. You can designate any place in your shelfs of thought to put it but it is you and no God else.
Lee Sanders Jr, Phenix City, AL. North America, United States

Keep creating that knowledge!

If you don’t/do then the terrorists win.
Dave, Ca, USA

Well that’s us buggered then.

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.

John Lennon. He was talking about liberals.
[chuckm51], Austin,Texas, United States

Makes sense.

I suspect that this next “philosophical quotation” may have been fabricated by a witless bell-end.

And as Gordon Brown leaves No10 for the last time……
Diesel Dog, United Kingdom

Or maybe it’s just the only phrase he knows. He probably shouts it when he comes.

And finally, a cunt:

“Treat others, as you would like them to treat you.
But if they treat you badly, treat them twice as badly.”
Publish Last, Derby, United Kingdom

Good choice. My favourite Jesus quote is “Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. Nobody? Really?? Well I’m going to stone the bitch myself then. Come on you pussies! THROW SOME FUCKING STONES. YEAH! NICE! RIGHT IN THE FACE! MAN I’M SO HARD RIGHT NOW. LET’S KICK HER IN THE TITS!”.

Thanks to Ruth.

I will humbly suggest a few things, Rafa, you said it. You did not play your match. Hit down the line more instead of cross court with the forehand most of the time especially against double handed backhands. Not down the middle, down the line. Stand closer to return serve and if you do that the returns will not drop short to allow the likes of Soderling take advantage. Improve the direction of serve and second serve. Pace is not enough. I say all this, meaning there is lots of room for improvement and yet you are 23 with 6 slams, 15 masters shields and world number one. It shows that you have many more successful years ahead and will win many more slams and French opens. Forget the crowd everywhere even those of us that love you. Play your game. Those who love you always will and those who don’t will come around and even if they do not, it doesn’t matter. You are Rafael Nadal and thats darn good enough. Happy Birthday.

Eve

As one of Britain’s leading sportsmen, Rafael Nadal is always in need of amateur coaching from internet messageboards. We can only hope he takes your advice. Meanwhile, I’ve personally written to the Dictionary and asked them to commission a portrait of you, in oils, haloed in the light of your own intellect. You are clutching a silver tennis racquet in your upper right hand, a solid gold tennis ball in your upper left, and typing out a bounty of indespensible sporting advice with the other two. They will use it, in a double-page colour plate, as their definition of ‘humbly’.

Thanks to Rob. Unusually for the internet, someone’s angry about MPs’ expenses.

Jericoa wrote:
All we need is

Joanna Lumley dressed as oliver Cromwell to deliver his famous speech when he dismissed parliament
A battle re-enactment society in full English civil war dress
A regiment of retired Gurkhas
An internet petition
A date sometime in the summer
Financial backing
A couple of famous rock bands

Next thing you know a lot of people are converging on parliament in the first instance then buckingham palace in the second instance to petition the Queen to use her powers to disolve parliament.

It could be done if people stop winging about it on here and do something about it. I have already tried to contact abattle re-enactment socisty and Rahere has kindly provided a list of influential people who may be interested in organising a re-enactment of 1643.

We get a lot of unconvincing sarky pisstakes submitted and at first I thought this was one, but by the end Jericoa actually seems to be serious. A look through further posts reveals a bit of a one-track mind, with further suggestions such as:

We could issue medals to all those willing to participate.

But then I read this:

Unfortunately I have to report I have failed in pursuading a 17th century Cromwellian battle re-enacment society to march on Westminster, then read out the roll of dishonour as sugested in post 17 followed by Cromwells famous speech when he kicked out the corrupt parlaiment ‘no longer can you be allowed to defile this sacred place’ etc.

They expressed a great deal of sympathy for the cause and gave a long list of reasons why they could not.

I felt so bad for Jericoa I decided to help. I’ve already got £160 out of the bank and bought some stick-on warts for Joanna. But I’ve been having trouble booking a band. For instance Bob Geldof didn’t consider “dissolving Parliament” a good enough cause and George Clinton told me he’d done it already in 1980. Courtney Love was very rude to me when I asked to speak to Kurt, NONE of Gorillaz are answering their mobiles and when I mentioned expenses to Bono he put me through to his tax adviser. BUT Paul McCartney said he’d ring John and get back to me, so as soon as we hear from him we’re good to go.

Oh, and Coldplay are on board of course.

Thanks to Phil and Rich for these.

Your Royal Highness Queen Elizibeth. As a loyal servent, I see your Parlimentarians have disgraced themselves and i would recomend they are all removed forthwith and new directions made to their succesors, clensing the filth that has gone unchecked for many years. I regret to inform you all,that its now time the monarchy impose their will on its subjects, in the best interests of the country/subjects towards the men who impose on you and made accountable for their self protected thieving actions
Spitfire Pilot, Low Over, United Kingdom

TO HRM Queen Elizabeth II

Please I beg you as a loyal subject of this once great nation please intervene on the behalf of your loyal citizens and end this era of greed and corruption. We need to be able to draw a line under this whole episode and move forward with confidence. The only way to achieve this is for you to dissolve parliament and order a full audit of the countries finances.
Its time for you to prove your un-doubted worth to the nation, be bold be strong be true to your people help us in our hour of need. If you act we will support you.

Love and Loyalty

WEP
WhiteEnglishProud

Thanks to Tom for this one from a Times article about some bloke who’s been denied entry to the UK.

I am putting myself on the list. I will never travel to the UK, and will boycott all British Products except salad creme. The beacon of light that was Britannia has gone out.
Carl Alfonse Mueller, Los Angeles, California, United States of America

Like we give a fuck. We got nuff salad cream, bumbaclart.

Thanks to Xander and Andy for these from an article about vocabulary.

Unfortunately, one is considered elitist if one uses words which other people cannot understand. So, in a sense, one keeps one’s knowledge well under wraps.
Berenice Mortimer, Westlock, Canada

Crafty. Nobody would ever suspect that you’re actually very clever.

When I was about 4 my parents tried to make a list of the words I knew. I think my Mum still has it. I remember it included Abominable but they stopped on A because there were too many. But that was in the Sixties when erudition was not eschewed
Steve, London, UK

I started making a list of words to describe you Steve.

• Ass-whistle

I had to stop at “ass-whistle” because you’re an ass-whistle.

Thanks to Tommie: Is it selfish to have more than two children? Busy-wombed Kirstine Berry disagrees.

I have three children. I feel it is my duty to attempt to repopulate the World with intelligent individuals in an attempt to offset Mr Porritt’s stupidity. Idiocy-offsetting, kind of like carbon offsetting, just a little more immediate.

Kirstine Berry, Bracknell

It’s a good idea in theory, and the only thing that could possibly go wrong in practice is if your offspring pick up any of your personal characteristics or inherit any of your genes.

Thanks to my namesake Alexander. Should prisoners have the right to vote?

I would say NO, they shouldn’t have the vote,but does it matter what I say or think, The European Court of Human Rights doesn’t care about my views otherwise they wouldn’t come out with this sort of ridiculous ruling

kevin ball, Plymouth- rejected by the mods for no reason, United Kingdom

It’s tragic really. Your opinions are so important and unambiguously expressed, the European Court of Human Rights would surely bow immediately to them if it only knew who you were, and then think what a beautiful place the world could be. But don’t go blaming the PC brigade or any of that nonsense. It’s just because you’ve not made a name for yourself. You should collect a cardboard box full of baby squirrels, set it on fire, and film yourself having boisterous sex with it while singing Barry White hits in a high-pitched squeaky voice. Then dress up as Bootsy Collins, turn yourself in to the police, and appeal your sentence all the way to Strasbourg. I guarantee they won’t ignore you after that.

I’ve added “hypocritical” to the list of adjectives friends use to describe me. Usually squeezed into the space between “that” and “cunt”.

139 chars there.

You can now “follow” me on Twitter. I’ve really got no fucking clue why you would but I’m not above comparing my number of “followers” to other people’s and pretending I don’t care. Perhaps I could raise an army. Mainly I’ll be just be telling you what I’m doing. Stuff like “Got a sore leg. Going to the pub”. It’s going to be bollocks.

Found this one on the “G20″ thread. At first it seems a cut above your standard HYS brainsquawk. In fact, it seems pretty rational, like it was written by a normal, but watch out for the modulation around “I will rant” where it shifts suddenly into the key of shitflap minor.

They will do nothing of substance. All of their leaderships have been damaged beyond repair. None of us can believe that none of them saw this coming. And even now, they refuse to realise that greed is out of fashion, or that they have run out of trust. One rule for them, another for us. And yes, I will rant. Just like the BBC, it’s ok for a radio 4 presenter to say today, that Gordon Brown is probably sticking pins in an effigy of Mervyn King, but I say it, and my comment is rejected.
Carol Lunn

Things are starting to look up. Carol Lunn obviously believes that “The BBC” is a small group of people who sit around discussing Carol Lunn. They probably share an office with the Bank of England, the unions, the National Lottery, Greenpeace, Google Maps and Gordon Brown.

Curiosity got the better of me at this point and I clicked through to see what fresh whinnets I could gingerly harvest from Carol’s claggy RSS feed. With my nail scissors, I clipped away a few of the less appetising nuggets until I came upon the chewy gem below. I’m speaking metaphorically of course (I think it’s the extra hour of sunlight doing stuff to my hormones). What I mean is that I scanned through a few hundred words of some bint whining on a web page and found this comment about “broken hearts” or something. This is one for the connoisseurs out there. It’s got fruity layers and is stuffed with petulance and pomposity. It’s been rolled in arrogance before being dusted with self-pity. Not the everyday arrogance and self-pity you’ve been forced to use to save money during the credit crunch, dear me no. This is the good shit. The really expensive stuff where you don’t merely think you’re better than everyone else or suffering worse than everyone else but actually fail to comprehend that there is anyone else.

My heart is broken when I see that the rules governing this site halt a bit of fun; just how politically controlled are you? a jest about chucking darts at a picture of someone who has wronged you? Has my comment rejected? Get real; maybe it is you who are plitical correctness gone mad. I shall now remove my comments to a different site, as I’ve noticed that anything which doesn’t comply with current political speak is rejected. Fainthearts; not in the English tradition.
Carol Lunn

Are you hearing this BBC? ARE YOU? I expect your apology before sunset today. If I do not receive it you shall face me in a duel at dawn! Fie! Blaggard!

Somebody fetch my horse. And a sandwich.