spEak You're bRanes

It’s a sad day when something ends up polluting your own safe haven. I’m not talking about Alex’s post, of course. I’m talking about NickNick, way down in the comments.

But, hey, I’m romanticising the place – let’s face facts, this place has always been a magnet for the kind of appositional dickhead who likes to think he can show us exactly how we’re wrong for thinking they’re cunts by using the kind of impenetrable logic often seen in the Red Lion’s pool room at 11pm on a Friday evening. Let’s see what the latest appositional dickhead in the grand scheme of dickheads with stupid, fallacious arguments has to say.

If a disabled person wants my help to pay their living costs, they should ask me in person – I’m fed up with money being expropriated from me, and given to any moocher who convinces a low paid, bored, incompetent bureaucrat to finance them, from my money.
NickNick

You’re right, Nick. It absolutely should work exactly like that. Every single disabled person on a benefit in the UK should have to go around to every single taxpayer and personally ask them for their share of the money they get every week. It’ll be what, about £120 a week, right? It’s only fair, and it’s only reasonable.

Let’s see… that’s £120 divided by 30,000,000 taxpayers… carry the one…

Okay! There’ll be a queue of 2 million disabled benefit claimants around in the morning asking for 0.0004p each, and 29,999,999 other taxpayers facing similar queues and calling you a burst haemorrhoid. By the way, some of those disabled people claiming some benefits might also be working and are also taxpayers, so they’ll also be kicking and/or punching you in the bollocks as their individual disabilities allow. You know, just to save time.

I know this wasn’t exactly the solution you were looking for, Nick, but it does involve maths – and isn’t something that involves dividing by a really large number much better than just comparing you to a really large sexual organ?

Thanks to Tom and Piers for spotting Professor Emeritus of Yeah, But and Ah-ha, You Didn’t Think Of That, Did You at Fucking Heidelberg, Mike Solomons. He’s just what you need when science raises its ugly head above the parapet: a man ready with a loaded gun full of impenetrable logic ready to shoot it down.

Speed in relation to what? Is the speed of light supposed to be absolute or relative to its immediate surroundings? Remember the test route is travelling in space due to movement of the earth.

Maybe the calculations need to include speed of rotation of the earth, rotation around the sun, and movement of our solar system in space.

Or maybe Einstein’s theories were incomplete.
Mike Solomons

Yes, he forgot to compensate for the Bell-End Effect. That’s where the collective drag on the rest of the universe of someone with half a shit idea slows the speed of light down so much that the observer tries to commit suicide using a drinking straw from a Capri-Sun. It’s demonstrated by measuring Nelson’s Constant – where the IQ can never be more than one – and doing something proper sciency to that until you reach the Massive Fucking Fanny Horizon, where everything you read from self-congratulating helmet cheesers on the internet just becomes one huge, coagulated mess of monkey spunk dribbling down a laptop screen.

Look, here’s the equation:

Solve for X.

Oh, dear. Something awful has happened. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, what with being trapped in your white, middle class, bubble of liberal idealism, but some serious shit’s going down right now. It’s so serious, in fact, that this cunt has taken a break from dishing out street justice in copious amounts because it’s just become far too dangerous. Luckily for us, he went and got on the internet straight away, just to make this outrageously docile comment:

I would have liked to help stop the thuggary but I did not want to get arrested, sued, breach their human rights, get fined by “no win no fee” solicitors, get a criminal record, lose my job. It looks like the law/police/goverment is on the side of the thugs, blindfolding common sence. If the the law is incapable then take away all their money including their family who shelter them.
david jones, walsall uk

Oh, fucking hell, David! Just when we needed you! Just when Commissioner Gordon was on the blower to me, asking exactly where you were, and if your Batman suit had come back from the dry cleaners yet – now you tell us that this is the point where you can’t help us any more! After all, when law and order has broken down, when the State has failed and when anarchy prevails, you’re quite rightly scared of getting sued! On contingency! These things happen. I’ve seen The Incredibles. You’d end up in kangaroo court or something, and I’ve heard they’re even more sarcastic than Judge Judy.

Just when we need David Jones where he does most good – on the streets of Walsall in rubber undies, wandering around with what the guy in the shop told him was a 12″ black rubber serrated baton – he fails us. The alternative plan of taking all their money away could work, but without David to protect us they’ll just steal all our stuff anyway! And they can do that even when they’ve had their benefits cut!

DAVID, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US??? WHO WILL SAVE US NOW!!?!

Two superheroes have been spotted in and around London over the past few days called ‘Blackman and Robbing’.
Call-me-Coconut, UK

Well, Clinical Depression Boy is about to turn up. Can he help us? Unlikely. He usually just induces catatonic foetal positions and extended absences from the internet.

TEAR GAS – RUBBER BULLETS – TASERS -STUN GUNS – CHEMICAL PARALYZING SPRAYS – HIGH AUDIO FREQUENCY BLASTERS – TRANQUILIZING ELEPHANT GUN DARTS – WATER CANNONS WITH PURIFYING ROTTING DYE – all need to be used ASAP and all we get from this home secretary is she tells us she is watching the CCTV…………………………….!!!!!!!
Roy, Essex

Oh, thank fuck for that. Our worries are over. It turns out that Roy will defend us all, weilding the massive hard-on he gets after reeling off the names of a whole bunch of fictional military technology what he did drew when it was raining. Just pray to God he doesn’t have a wank.

Anyway, never mind calling out for a hero. What we really need to know is how we can connect this to Muslims.

Here is another reason to outright BAN face coverings.
melita, ex pat

Thanks melita! And give my regards to Pat when you see him. Unless he still thinks you’re a cunt and avoids you like the plague, like everyone else.

Some of us have opinions about things like browsers. Some of us use Internet Explorer. All of us are spunking our lives away.

The interpipes briefly played host to a bit of a bukkake party last week, after reports emerged of a survey which supposedly found that the average IE user is blessed with a lower IQ than those who use Firefox, Chrome or Opera to look at tits and videos of cats in boxes.

But now we must clean up, put our trousers back on, mutter some half-hearted goodbyes and shuffle away back to our families with our eyes fixed firmly on the floor, because it turns out the whole thing was a hoax.

Look on the bright side, though – Ian’s found this wanker lingering in the basement, still trying to get hard.

I mean look, IE is the default browser on nearly all computers sold, so of course more people will use it. The higher computer literate people might switch, and are more likely to, than the average user, im afraid to say mainly women, in my experience, who just use “The internet” and hope it works. I am not saying women have lower IQ, i am not sure what the test was about exactly, but it does seem likely that the people using IE, are because they have no idea there are other browsers, or just use a computer to do internet things and nothing fancy or power user(y)
jamieostrich

You know, “The internet”. It’s the stripped-down version of the internet that comes bundled with overpriced, low-spec computers in PC World, which are sold – I’m afraid to say, though I’m going to say it anyhow, without any justification whatsoever – mainly to women.

“The internet” was developed in 2009 by Magnup Hamilto of California. While working for a popular high street ISP, Hamilto noticed that his company’s broadbands were frequently being clogged up by casual users doing frivolous things like communicating with other human beings and online banking and what have you. His answer? “The internet”, designed to draw fucken n00b5 and chicks away from the internet, freeing it up for proper users who need hella raw digital power to do hardcore high-tech shit.

Real computer guys don’t just use “The internet” and hope it works. They use the internet and hope it doesn’t work. Because real users love nothing more than wasting whole evenings configuring software just so it’ll do the job it was fucking designed to do.
Magnup Hamilto

Hamilto is now developing Internet Pro, which is a lot like the internet, except you need a £500 license to use it, plus it has a save function or something. Internet Pro will be available to super power elite users in spring 2012. Why not order your copy now?

We have Justin to thank for FirstAdvisor. Thanks Justin.

Justin says that “Pretty much anything FirstAdvisor has to say” marks him out for being a grade A tagnut. Actually, I added the tagnut bit, but you can have a go at completing Justin’s sentence for him as well. Pretty much anything derogatory toward FirstAdvisor is going to be right. Favourites around here right now are “anal polyp”, “rotting elephant period” and “just some kind of cunt.”

I probably shouldn’t say cunt. After all, there’s enough undereducated, idiotic misogyny worthy of a 1950s sitcom going around without me contributing to it. Isn’t there.

The whole idea of females working outside the typical occupations of teaching, nursing, agriculture, clerking, retail, and so on is wildly impractical and unrealistic. The percentage of exceptional females in a field of typical males just isn’t high enough to make any significant influence in any national economy. The major importance of females is as consumers, mindlessly keeping the economy rolling along by buying worthless garbage like makeup and 10 pairs of shoes.
FirstAdvisor

So we take some exceptional females – albeit a massively high percentage of them – put them in a field with some typical males and then the economy grows? I’m confused. Why are they in a field? I know people are trying to ‘grow’ the economy, but I don’t think they mean it in the agricultural sense. Besides, how is exceptional females standing around in a field supposed to help? Is it the agricultural skills? Does it keep them away from shoes and makeup? Is that the plan? We’re going to take exceptional females and surround them with men in a field so they stop thiking about shoes and makeup and concentrate on agricultural skills? But don’t shoes and makeup grow the economy? Oh, wait, no. We put the exceptional ones in a field with some men, plough some shit up, earn some money that way, and then the typical females stand in a street with exceptional males and Bob’s your uncle, something wonderful happens, like they use the money from the exceptional females working in the field to buy shoes while the exceptional males stand around with clipboards and do some research proving that once and for all, you’re some kind of cunt.

Sorry, I think I called him a cunt again. Whoops. I meant, of course, some kind of cunt.

Libyan mothers crying? Only for the cameras. Muslims are incapable of human feelings (being zombie-creatures, human corpses animated by demons from Hell), neither for their little terrorist-larvae nor anything else. It is your humanity which is suspect, since you seem to believe Muslims share it. Are you going to call me a Kraut now, bigot?Your comments are very dull and boring. Nearly everyone on the forum is far smarter and more educated than you are. You write like a 70-year-old farmer.As I have already explained, if you had the IQ to understand the concept, no American is going to tell the truth to a stranger over the phone who knows their full family name and home address, when the American is asked his opinion of Jews. Anyone with an IQ of 70, the legal retardate level, would know this without being told, because he would be born and raised in the US, surrounded by Jews all his life. The American would know to keep his mouth shut about what he honestly thought, and just tell the pollster whatever the pollster wanted to hear. The Gallup poll is pure propaganda, worse than worthless as factual evidence, and everyone in the world knows it. Except you, apparently, because of your low IQ. It’s not surprising that you don’t even know what the word ‘bigot’ means, or that you are one.
FirstAdvisor

You couldn’t make it up. Well, you could, but people would point at you and say things like “You’re making it up!” and wouldn’t ever believe that Rudolf Hoess survived a hanging.

I don’t think we need men with clipboards to conclude this research successfully.

Big up to Simon.

About ten years ago, the only people who read The Economist were people who were willing to splash out a fiver for the privilege, and the only people who wrote to The Economist were people in business and completely batshit people who really wanted the editors to know about their latest crackpot theory on something they’d studied hard for a really long time in the previous issue of The Economist. Often they were the same people, but at least most of them weren’t published.

Now, thanks to the miracle of the technological age, we get to read them all. And thanks to the miracle of this blog, so do you – because misery loves company, and I hate everyone.

It’s interesting to note that you don’t actually have to read the article in order to get the general gist of this prick’s argument. In fact, it helps if you don’t read the article, because at least then you’ll approach it from the same perspective as he does, i.e. knowing fuck all about it.

Samkaie, say hello to the nice people.

I wonder what matters more in this, highly capitalistic society, profit or the joy of sex discrimination?

If I were an employer, I would have paid my employees based on the returns they earn for me, regardless of their sexual orientation. Heck, I would have hired a bunch of gays(I don’t mean to be offensive)if they earned me more money than any other class.

Arguing less payments, promotions based on one’s sexuality is equivalent to a baby “whining” for what it wants.
Nonetheless, courts seem to be more “tolerable and patient” than parents .

It’s obvious, women have all types of problems at work. And as the world has it, men are more productive(on average) than women.

More women are hired in the prostitution/massage/etc. industry because they’re wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more productive than men.
Men on the other hand, are hired as strategists, technicians etc., because that’s where they outdo their female counterparts.

It’s pointless to argue and “whine” about not getting paid well/etc., when you’re not doing well.
I really doubt Walmart would refuse promoting a woman who would earn the company an equivalent amount to that of 10 men collectively.

Nonetheless, after having improved women rights, they just seem to be wanting evermore.

You get treated the way you treat others, you get paid the way you earn for others.
Samkaie

Awesome. It’s good to know that Samkaie doesn’t mean to be offensive – he just is. He can’t help it, just like women can’t help being less productive and much stupider, and just like gay people can’t help being fundamentally different from ordinary, inoffensive, heterosexual people like Samkaie. But if you gays out there can take some solace from being a different class of person, then it’s that if Samkaie owned a business, he’d totally hire you if you were better than straight people. And he’d probably make you very proud of working for him, bringing visitors around the office to show everyone just how hard-working and productive all his gays are, all the time while completely failing to offend anyone because he doesn’t mean it. Hell, he’d probably put glory holes in the men’s bogs, just for you – if it’d help you be productive, that is.

Good news for women, too! Even though you may not be the genius strategists that men are, and even though you’ll never run first world economies and multi-billion dollar business interests, at least you’re great at wanking men off. That’s an area in which most men are sorely lacking in experience, so it’s good to know that as soon as your boss hears about Samkaie’s research and fires you for being lazy and having periods and vaginas and stuff like that, at least you’ll be able to get a job giving massages with happy endings.

And you’d be so productive at that, you could probably get through ten sweaty, sad losers like Samkaie in about 20 minutes.

Think of the tips, girls. Pun not intended.

Notable American diplomat Richard Holbrooke is dead. Luckily I saw Scotty1694 before he fell foul of the moderators and managed to memorise his comment.

1. At 11:35am on 14 Dec 2010, scotty1694 wrote:
Who?

We’ve all seen these before, I know, but come on. Before anyone else could even blink, Scotty’s in there, letting everybody know how vitally important his complete and utter lack of anything at all to say is. Proudly, completely and pointlessly ignorant. No thought. No intelligence. Not a whiff of awareness of anything in the fucking world. Just pure, determined, tiny-cocked speed. This guy comments like Richard Hammond drives. POW!

Have Your Say is changing. Again. And the natives are not happy. Change? What? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. I LIKE THINGS WHEN THEY STAY THE SAME.

They’re adding comment to the bottom of news stories. Whereas at one time you could go and read the news on the BBC website without having some foetid ballache forcing their rancid, shitty, poorly thought out opinion at you, now you won’t be able to escape depressing, awful bollocks because it’ll be right at the bottom of every depressing, awful news story. Just like the Guardian. And don’t we all just strive to have comments of Guardian quality on our news stories?

It’s just too much for some people, and the revolution has started. And what do you know, it turns out the revolution will not be televised. It’ll be taking place on the internet, where no-one can find it.

Sorry, but this will be my last post. I’m going to start my own ‘unmoderated’ forum if anyone’s interested under my other pseudonym Lewis Jones.
Gruffydd ap Llywelyn

I’m up for it! Let’s go! This place is just too quiet lately, anyway. Shit, all we’ve got left in the comments is some hardcore regular visitors discussing bollocks with agoraphobic racists. We need more action. Where do I sign up?

Where please? Can we all come?
ruffled_feathers

That’s two! Remember, two’s company, three is the magic number…

What are the google keywords to find your blog?
I tried “lewis jones” “blog”, but irrelevant links showed up
Mustafa Yorumcu

Well, that’s three, but we’re shit at using the internet, or at least we’re shit at searching for what could be one of the most popular names in the English language, plus “blog”. I also tried using quotes around all my words, but for some reason a bunch of other people have the same pseudonym. More help!

Give me a chance to create the blog. And without too much advertising, join the two words together and add dot com LOL And yes, everyone can participate all I ask is that you mind your language
Gruffydd ap Llywelyn

You heard it here second, folks. No, Have Your Say is not the be-all and end-all of discussion on the internet. Apparently there’s other places you can go to air your racist, borderline insane, actually insane, phenomenally stupid and utterly depressing views. And everyone can join in. Lewisjones.comlol. It’s like Martin Luther King, only the dream is a reality.

To Alex Gubbay:

Your new ‘game plan’ appears to be all about you, the Editor, the BBC. It will be boring and predictable. Editor’s Pick – who cares???

HYS was interesting and more often than not entertaining, due to poster’s views. There was ‘some’ freedom there which made it so. I will miss these posters and hope to meet up with them again perhaps at Lewis Jones. Good luck to MORERAM and others.
beammeup

You’re right. All we can do now is get over to Lewis Jones’ new ‘unmoderated’ discussion area, where the hot topic of the day is…

…the new BBC Have Your Say format.

Fuck it, wasted my time again. Sorry about that. Here’s some barking mad, borderline racist with a thinly-veiled conspiracy theory about the extinction of white British culture, followed by the tantalising possibility of a vaguely witty comment.

Lets face it BBC, you are really not interested in what people have to say, unless of course it agrees with yourselves. I subscribe to many national newspaper comment sections which are far less restricted then HYS, and at least allow people to have a view. I really do hate political correctness, and lets face it, the BBC is extremely politically correct. Being the voice of the political Liberal Left will always rule the BBC, and anyone who doesn’t agree with your views will always be excluded. It is a sad show of democracy when our national broadcasting company is so undemocratic, but unfortunately the state of our big brother society which tells all UK citizens what they should believe, how they should be anti-Christian, pro Europe, anti British culture because we MUST fit in with our immigrant population and not fly any British flags, must call Christmas, Winter Festival, must not use Christian prayer for anyone, I mean heaven help us all if we believe in God, we are considered freaks. I feel extremely sad that the BBC has become what they are today….slaves to the popular policially correct society, instead of actually having a mind of their own. Thankfully, there are still organisations out there, including many national newspapers, who still have some guts and stand up for the people
KnightShift

Yeah, thank God all you have to represent you is every single newspaper except the Guardian. Otherwise you might end up going crazy.

Every wondered why people hate humanities students?

Most of us don’t really bring up what we did at university in polite conversation, because we know that lines like “Well, actually, I don’t see how you could read a book without knowing Freud” in the pub marked us out for cunts then, and that’d go quadruple now. We have to be relatively quiet about knowing this stuff.

So why do people think we’re all useless, pretentious cunts? Enter jnsteele – the kind of person who talks about what they do in class.

These hikes will only transform the academic landscape into ‘a disparative space’, if there is such a term, with only the rich and the poor being able to attend a University institution. It is thus the penalising of the middle class and a condemning of the middle/working class youth by the condem government. There is a condemnation of the youth, which reflects the British landscape; since we are currently in Britain a CONservative liberal DEMocrats NATION. I’m sure the ‘condem’ (Conversative-Lib Dem joke has already been coined elsewhere, if not I shall take some credit).

I’ve also written a short blog of my experience of the student protest at my institution at http://culturalzeitgeist.blogspot.com
jnsteele

No, there’s no such term as ‘disparative space’, and just because you’re the first one to come up with it, that doesn’t mean it’s indicative of genius or anyone wants to hear it. There wasn’t anything known as the ‘shit hedgehog’ until I ate 14 Weetabix covered with All-Bran and stuck toothpicks in the result – but that doesn’t mean my wife was happy when I gave it to her for her birthday. Not even when I told her it had a name.

I’m some kind of glutton for punishment, though, because I went to her blog and found this. It’s interesting to note that the observation of the protests and the genesis of the ‘disparative space’ theorem involved six years of university, getting pissed up before you start and being a smug cunt, albeit a smug cunt who keeps the warm, smug, superior feeling inside where it can’t get you kicked repeatedly in the tits. No actual protests involved, or indeed work, except on my part when I drilled a disparative space in the base of my skull as the only appropriate antitdote to this horseshit.

Perhaps realising that there’s more fun to be had in bitter flame wars, the Guardian and the Mail have apparently been running some kind of exchange scheme. While many of the comments on the former’s website have got progressively dafter and more batshit rightwing, the Mail’s very own Marie Antoinette figure, pensioner-mugging professional train-wreck Liz Jones can’t even lecture the poor on the benefits of a 13-day working week without being lectured in turn by a load of bloody hand-wringing lefty types.

But Lindsay still managed to find this tucked in amongst all that reasonable drivel:

We should bring back domestic service.
Full employment and self-worth and self-esteem for the servants (rather than relying on benefits), and their employers would have more free time to spend on worth-while occupations which require more intellectual creativity, such as politics, finance, etc, so benefiting the country as a whole.
alibongo, Dorset, UK

It is problematic, isn’t it, when the lower orders find themselves with rather too much leisure time, whilst the wealthy have so much on their plates they’re unable to focus on those areas of intellectual creativity – such as politics, finance, etc – to which they’re naturally more suited, having instead to think about dressing themselves and loading their own dishwashers and what have you.

Goodness, I’ve been pestered, I can think of no better word for it, I have been quite simply pestered by Mervyn King, asking – nay! begging – for a solution to all this economic crisis business.

“Dear Mervyn,” I tell him: “dearest, dearest Mervyn. I am sure that your task is every bit as bothersome as you say. However, I am quite unable to help as my mental resources are, at this moment, entirely focused on the hoovering.

“If only that grotty little man Gordon Brown had not rashly forbidden domestic service. The poor knew their place in the days before that ban. They were chirpy and good-natured, occasionally cheeky, but above all, pliant, and always grateful for a chance to address their social betters. ‘Cor blimey, half a crown!’ they would cry. ‘Fanks, guv’nor!’

“Now they belch and scowl and say things like: ‘GIVE ME YER FUCKIN WATCH NOW YOU POSH TWAT OR I’LL FUCKIN CUNT YER DICK UP YER ARSE!’

“I should wager a good twelve hours scrubbing the various congealed fluids from my breeches would soon bring them back to earth.”