spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Magnus. I’m sure you all were as shocked as I was to see the horrific images of death and destruction in Haiti; the collapsed shanty towns, a product of grinding poverty unable to withstand the awesome power of nature; the feeling of impotence in the face of such terrible suffering that we can do nothing to relieve, except dig a little into our pockets and watch the carnage unfold on our TV screens. Thank God someone has a way to apply their own skills to the situation.

Patriot8384
Figure out a way to allow me to carry my arsenal with me to Haiti and i will gladly stand over the doctors and nurses to make sure they are safe while they help as many as possible. Its so easy to sit in your nice warm house and parade around like you have an idea of what they are going through but get chased around your job by a guy with a machette or an Ak-47 and let me know how willing you will be to work overtime the next day. To anyone reading this and anyone willing to Stand by my side i say lets go and protect people so the Medical response can be swift and decisive. But i wont be a victim so i REQUIRE i be allowed to bring weapons and ammunition to do the job right. The military can only do so much. This situation needs dedicated personel just for the security of these doctors. I have all the faith in the world in the Military but i know realistically they have a job to do as well.

Dear Jim’ll,

Please can you fix it so I can shoot some black people? I have LOTS OF GUNS and I am willing to do it for charity.

Yours Sincerely,

Patriot8384

Old one from “Is Pakistan losing control?”

Yes I am, and said as much on this recycled question nearly a year ago, on a now disappeared(along with my many other posts) post. However Pakistan is losing the plot and the concerted efforts of the militants is bearing fruit. Noone even in the west is taking world terrorision seriously, more resources to combat this evil is needed along with long term plans to counter theirs. We will Know all about it if Pakistan falls to these people with their brand of religious fervour going nuclear.
Ron C, Northwest, United Kingdom

Your HYS opinions have disappeared?? Tell me you kept copies Ron??? TELL ME YOU KEPT COPIES??? RON?????

From a Times Online article about G-spots. I could be imagining it but has anyone else noticed how broadsheets seem big on fanny-science but light on cock-theory? Not sure what conclusions we can draw here but maybe there’s a gap for an upmarket monthly called “About Your Dick”.

Thanks to Phil for this one.

Wonderful, the late Dr. Petruska Clarkson must be turning in her grave.

Not only did she research and document when the existence of the G-spot was edited out of anatomical drawings by puritans, she also ran training courses for men on how to find it (it is admittedly somewhat elusive as some excitement is required to make it “reachable”).

Last but not least, I have personal, practical, ergo FACTUAL evidence it exists, to great delight of those I dated (not for the neighbours, but I digress).

I am thus somewhat concerned about this research, the conclusion is as much a mismatch to the facts as the New Labour report on the effectiveness of speed cameras. Maybe this too was a second edition?
Peter Baker

That’s the single most chilling use of the word “reachable” I’ve ever seen.

I found Davidethics, the most pompously petulant bumgrape I’ve seen for quite a while. David is quite sure that he is very, very clever.

First off, I’ve collected a few of his “moderation martyr” sign-offs. He not only believes that HYS is important enough that people are trying to censor it to stop the truth getting out but that he, in particular, is one of the brave voices of dissent that they are so desperate to silence. This kind of tinpot mentalism is the essence of all the good comments. Sure, there’s endless stupidity and racism on there, but it’s the ones that really believe HYS is important that make us giggle. This is just the tip of the iceberg:

And I wish I could speak my mind on HYS on this important matter. It is like the 1930s.
So go on. Reject this.

OK. Now reject this.

For goodness sake – you cannot reject this comment.

Dear moderators – ask your bosses if they will allow you to publish this note mentioning the dolphin cull: it is an envrionmental matter.

I guess this comment will not get past the moderators. But I don’t care

Are we allowed to criticise developers on HYS? Maybe just put this comment at the end of the moderation queue eh.

Moderators have no fear I make no comment on religion; your relativism is safe.

I expect David wrote to “Jim’ll Fix It” every fucking week and only a BBC/Soviet plot prevented him from getting to meet Sebastian Coe. And don’t get him started on the national fucking lottery. Stands to reason he should have won by now if it wasn’t rigged.

I came from a poor area but went to a grammar school where the teachers laughed at our working class accents. We were taught how Britain ruled the world and how the empire would last forever, that black children were piccanninies, and that we were heading for a new ice age. We were told that everything to do with America was common and brash, and that science was for boys and literature for girls. I truanted until I was old enough to be expelled. Took A levels part time, got a first and a Phd.
[Davidethics]

You’re probably beginning to get a sense of just how clever he is and I expect you are now keen to see this great public intellectual enter the theatre of HYS debate, illuminating truth and laying waste to myth. A bit like Gandalf at the battle of Helm’s Deep.

I disagree with capital punishment. But taking the cultural relativist position which is dominant in the UK – and here on HYS -the Chinese were absolutely right to execute him, for whatever reason and for whatever standard of proof is relative to their culture.
It is pointless for politicians and the media to complain. If multiculturalism is acceptable then anyone can do what they like -anywhere – with our citizens.
Meanwhile – some of us believe in universal values.But not on BBC forums.
[Davidethics]

Woah David, slow down fella! Multiculturalism? Cultural relativisim? Universal values? This is heady stuff. But you can’t just go chucking all that shit in and expect us all to understand. Perhaps you need to go back a few steps and explain? If we’re to reject this cultural relativism thingy and work towards a set of universal values, at last uniting the planet in justice and peace, how should we go about it?

As the war on terror is likely to continue for many years we should take a long term view. Look into the possible introduction of separate air transport for certain groups of people, as identified by their passports. To save naming any ethnic group let us, for example, have separate air transport for the people of Wonderland whose deity is the Wizard.. They could have wonderland pilots too, and have wonderland insurance rates.And the rest of us would not require such stringnent controls.
[Davidethics]

Gotcha. We need to ban Pakis.

I think Betrand Russell might just fit into every category we have except ‘miscellaneous prats’ and ‘normal people’. I found him grumbling about pregnant women. Turns out he also feels rather strongly about global warming:

Some say the world is warming, some say the world is cooling. Does it really matter?

Betrand Russell

It does to me. I need to know whether to ask for flip-flops for Christmas or save up to buy a duffel coat this summer.

I am interesed in global warming and science fiction, which are linked, so I have given myself a series of names as a tribute to my heroes. Does this make me, what the kids nowadays call ‘a geek?’

Betrand Russell

I must confess, I’m not down with the lingo. Is ‘geek’ like ‘credulous self-aggrandising gobshite who skim-read one book, agreed with a bit of it and decided he wanted to ride around the thickest regions of internet on the coat-tails of the great philosophers’? If it is, you’re pulling off that “geek-chic” thing fabulously.

Hasn’t history told us again and again that religious intolerance never works?!

Cindy Chaplin, Coggeshall

I agree. I’m off to build a Catholic cathedral in Karachi. I am sure they will be very tolerant there.

Betrand Russell

Good point. Off you go. But I warn you, the local Archbishop don’t like no competition, so don’t come crying to me when the St Patrick’s mob kneecap you and take your grey lego bricks.

Do you know how many refugees the UK accepted last year?

It was 697.

Is all this HYS anger and paranoia really justified?

Col, uk

Why is it that they all appear to be living in my street? Why do people believe the figures of this government?

Betrand Russell

It’s an optical illusion Bettie. The same Somali passes you on the street and says ‘good morning’ several times a week, but it looks like lots because it happens at different times in different places and he’s wearing different clothes.

Anyway, on the basis of this last comment, I think I’ve managed to diagnose Betrand Russell. You see, he’s naturally sceptical of any kind of authority. Facts, statistics, massive buildings right there in front of you, however incontrovertible they may seem, if the pro-government, BBC-run forces of Scientific Consensus want you to believe it, it follows ergo QED that the opposite must be true. Like, for example, the Hollywood Establishment will tell you it was “just an actor”, that they used “special effects” and that he might recently have “died” of “cancer”, but do they really think you’re too stupid to see through that?

Patrick Swayze will live forever as his character in ‘Ghost.’

Betrand Russell

Unless they shoot him for his views on Anthropogenic Global Warming, that is.

Now then. What with all this “news” and shit going on, some of you may have missed Richard Thomspon’s decision to appoint Richard Thompson as the American Ambassador to Have Your Say.

The way everyone’s going all up in a tissy over some inches of snow, one would think the four horsemen of the Apocalypse are wreaking havoc over Europe. And these are the same people that lectured us how we couldn’t handle something as powerful as hurricane Katrina?
Richard Thompson, Cape Coral, United States

Yeah, those people! Those damn people who lectured you about Katrina! Bah! I’m imagining them right now. They really are the worst imaginary fuckers I’ve ever imagined. One of them has got a very dirty bottom. Gah.

As I’m sure you’re aware, an American Ambassador’s job mainly involves “explaining WWII” to Europe. Thompson certainly doesn’t shirk this duty.

“Europe is a safer place without the US.”
ste, liverpool

Every time the US left Europe fend for herself, a world war broke out. That’s some safe place.
Richard Thompson, Cape Coral, United States

“Special relationship??? Do me a favour. They only joined WW2 when they got attacked, and then made us re-pay for the next 60+ years for “helping us out”. Some friend eh???”
Mark, Leigh, Lancs

You could be my best friend in the whole wide world, but if I lend you money so that you get out of a big mess, I expect you to pay me back. “Some friend” should apply to those who whine to pay back what they BORROWED. We are not a charity and we didn’t twist your arm to sign lend lease program.
Richard Thompson, Cape Coral, United States

You’re good at this Ambassador stuff. I do wonder if you’re really speaking on behalf of Americans though.

“Dear BBC,
I am so sorry for the death of Senator Edward Kennedy of the USA. I extend my Sympathy to the American Government for the death of that great hero.”
Bob G. Smith, Buchanan, Liberia

My deepest thanks to you and everyone else for your kind words on behalf of Americans.

And to some of our “friends and allies” here speaking ill of the dead, what a classless sad bunch of venomous snakes you are.

*My apologies to venomous snakes everywhere for the insult.
Richard Thompson, Cape Coral, United States

Oh. Apparently you are speaking on behalf of Americans. Sorry Richard, I stand corrected. I hadn’t realised that all 300 million of you were rubbish cocks*.

*My apologies to rubbish cocks everywhere for the insult.

I’m beginning to think that your diplomatic skills are wasted on mere Ambassadology. Perhaps it’s time you started thinking about your next role? Everyone’s awful confused about climate change right now and Have Your Say sorely needs a straight-taking Massive Chief Scientist who’ll share his inklings about that shit.

We’ve decided to divvy up the gay execution thread, just because there is so much fail of so many sorts to go round.

These people are just human beings like any other. The only difference is they choose to live a different kind of life. We should not discriminate them from others. They have the same rights like every body else. Such laws are very retrogresive and create acrimony for nothing. We should learn to have respect and appreciate other persons lifestyle. We can not all have the same lifestyle. The way we differ in appearance is the same way we differ in thinking.

AUBREY CHINDEFU, LUSAKA ZAMBIA

Aside from minor typos and the fact that it’d do as much good to the world if Aubrey Chindefu had drawn a picture of a walrus on the screen in marker pen, this is an intelligent, reasoned and eloquent comment. I even had to look up ‘acrimony’ and I’m like, really clever. It reminds us, if we needed reminding, that Africa is a huge and diverse place, and the gulfs of opinion can be as wide between two next-door neighbours as they can between Cape Town and Tripoli. Of course, at the close of play, this had all of 3 recommendations because, on the subject of whether Africans should be killing Africans for having the wrong bum-sex with Africans, HYSers aren’t really interested in the African perspective. Not when they could be telling savage, childlike foreigners what to do, anyway.

Are they serious? Seriously? When the rest of the world is trying so hard to recognise Africa as civilized, why do they have to shoot themselves in the foot like this?

licoriceallsorts, candyland

You fucking idiot Africa.

What a barbaric and ignorant proposition. If Africa wants help from the west then I see no reason why we should not attatch some cultural conditions to that aid.

Killing someone because of a personal and private choice is medieval and reflects the emotional immaturity of African socieities. The West needs to stand firm against rubbish like this. If Ugandans want to oppress minorities with death threats then they can ask the Chinese for billions in aid instead, and see how far they get.

A shocked gay man, uk

I understand you’re shocked, shocked gay man, but do you really think stopping Africa’s pocket money will help? With something as extreme as executing gays it should be a simple case of “grow up or get a smacked botty”.

“Nations do not have a right to execute homosexuals,”

Yes they do. They can kill whoever they want. Fortunately we have bigger guns than them, and should currently be sabre rattling.

Matt, Manchester

Hang on Matt, surely a sabre’s a bit excessive. Maybe just pull Uganda’s pants down and use the flat of your hand. Or bomb it from the skies a bit, whichever works for you.

This is a difficult situation to comment on because, as a white person, I know I should be polite when I talk about black people, mindful of 100s of years of European oppression.

But, while generally respecting black people as a race and a culture, I can only describe the Ugandan politicians who are supporting this bill as primitive, superstitious barbarians.

I hope all the decent Ugandans do not allow their country to become synonymous with violent stupidity. Reject this bill

Rocket Scientist

Congratulations. You’re like, the least racist person on HYS. In fact, I’ve made you a special plaque in the form of a very small swastika.

I’m going to end on another sensible comment because we need to remain positive in the face of such massive, massive bollocks. It works best if you picture Ibraheem Hameed as the scatty but amiable vicar of a small country parish, haring into the church and vaulting onto the pulpit to gabble this short comment at breakneck speed, before dashing off to be somewhere else ten minutes ago and leaving his glasses behind.

Death penalty or whichever kind of sanction it may be for homosexual act, the poor masses suffer from it. It is not an act of murder or it like therefore, let them do what they think is good for them. For all of us are sinners.

Ibraheem Hameed, Khartoum

Cast first stone. Forgiveness. Amen. A sermon for the twitter generation.

I LIKE PARKING. I wish I could park wherever I want, but I can’t because of PC. I want to park right near the supermarket, because I am very busy and have lots of important opinions to disseminate. But I can’t, because I’m not disabled. So why should some oversized sprog-factory have it any better?

More politcally correct nonsense that will cost millions and be widely abused. Why doesn’t this government do something useful and face up to the desperate financial state they have left us in rather than come up social engineering projects like this?

Betrand Russell

You can’t be the real Bertrand Russell. The real B.R. would never use the term ’social engineering’ without mentioning the special spaces for one-legged pregnant black lesbians with small refugee children in a Muslim wheelchair.

Pregnant women are already set to raid my pay packet via the tax system, I would rather they did not take up parking spaces as well.

Maxell Fellows

It’s a good point Maxwell, but as always, isn’t the root of the problem really just other people existing in general?

Another great idea of Britains namby pamby outlook on life.Pregnency is a wonderful thing in life,not a illness,people used to say only in America,thats changed to only in the U K,pathetic.

Mark Wilson, Bracknell

Wonderful’s right! It’s that beautiful kind of “pregnant glow” they get about them, isn’t it? I know it’s only sweat, but there’s still something magical there. So it stands to reason that they’ll only get more lovely the further you make them haul the shopping.

I bet it’s the blokes who disagree ! Ever tried waddling around and manoeuvring in the last months of pregnancy ? Yes, of course they should. Be kind.
[smilingparrotfan]

Then send your partner or a friend.
Men dont have it easier than women. You wouldnt let us
wayne, lancashire

Does it feel better now? All that burning anger from reading the words ‘women’ and ‘given’, has it subsided, or will you need to punch something and have another wank?

In the mid 70’s my wife worked as a delivery driver driving one of the old style mini vans – they were small!

She was in and out of that van all the time all day long. She worked up to the week before she gave birth to our second son.

We used to laugh as she tried to get in and out from behind the wheel, but thought nothing of it.

Now children are being overly mollycoddled, let’s not start on the mothers to be.

Brown Fitz Darling, Ripoff, United Kingdom

We should be raising our pregnant women to ‘ave a sense of discipline, by ‘eck. Why, back when I were a lad I’d send me pregnant mother five miles int’ snow wi’ no shoes on just to take a book I ‘adn’t read back t’ library, then when she came back I’d punch her int’ stomach. Never did me any ‘arm.

Christmas light switch-ons are quintessentially British, aren’t they. Not in the Nick Griffin indigenous racists way, but in the sense that they’re a bit shambolic and crap and low-rent and you’re ashamed to be seen enjoying one but even so they give you a little warm glow inside. Because even if we are a nation whose influence on the world stage is waning, even if we all have to wear sacks and eat glue while the bankers get to ride us like horseys, we can still do something to make the kids smile.

I don’t know what the opposite of the word ‘excelled’ is, but Belfast certainly did that this year – with some anonymous person dressed as Bob the Builder. ‘It’s for the children,’ someone shouted when I called the City Council cheapskates – as if a 21st century child would be fooled by someone in a Bob the Builder outfit. I think a slightly larger crowd might have turned out for Jim Carrey, Mariah Carey or Alexandra Burke.
Kevin, Belfast, Northern Ireland

Yeah, Belfast council, pull your finger out! If you’re going to get Bob The Builder, get the real Bob The Builder. If they start animating him in August he could press the button right on the dot! Or better still, just get in someone that Kevin from Belfast can have a wank over.

Thanks to Kate for finding our old friend Rhys Jaggar commenting on an Independent article about shouting at your boss.

rhysjaggar:
Tuesday, 24 November 2009 at 10:08 am (UTC)

What if the boss is a sadist?

It’s all very well shouting at them.

But if they have:
i. the power to provide a rubbish reference when you try and leave;
ii. a subliminal hatred of men due to poor fathering;
iii. a deep complex of jealousy allied to a need for fawning admiration;

then it’s a brave or a foolish person who shouts at them.

And it’s a brave person who resigned the previous job to challenge a new boss in under a year. And they will know that.

This is the option for the idealist state where principled decision-making takes place.

It’s extremely dangerous in a dog-eat-dog, heartless and amoral culture where taking a stand leads to ostracism.

I’ll let you decide which society prevails in Britain right now……

I dunno Rhys. It’s dangerous to draw conclusions from anecdotal evidence, especially when there’s only one completely hypothetical anecdote about the time a completely hypothetical person (let’s call him “Thick Jagger” for now) got sacked for being a bell-end.

Last time I used one of Rhys’s comments he found it while googling himself. Then he emailed me to let me know his thoughts on the matter. Would anyone like to see the email? You would? Well, here it is, in all its deranged glory. Oh, the subject line was “Are you a human being utterly without conscience or integrity?”, which made me wonder if I’d actually met him some time. Anyway…

Dear ‘Nelson’

I write to congratulate you on your truly stupendous website, containing as it does an unending smorgasbord of derision, hatred, mirth, crass rudeness and self-certitude of your superior humanity and morality.

One wonders whether you take a plunge outside America to determine whether others share your opinions?

I am sure that you would agree that if killing Iraqis is ‘acceptable collateral damage’, then killing yours is too. Assuming any woman had been conned into marrying you before she detected your self-hatred masked by American patriotism?

I am sure that you are painfully exact in your research to determine whether my statements of monitoring in a country 3000 miles from yours are accurate or caused by ‘delusions of grandeur’. I would greatly enjoy NOT being monitored and as a scientist carried out significant experiments to determine that fact.

I am sure that if we wanted to get rid of George W Bush, that killing 100,000 of your citizens would be acceptable to you, wouldn’t it? WOULDN’T IT??

I am sure that you consider US spying on all countries to steal the hard work generated there is SITUATION NORMAL, isn’t it? Presumably you are equally laudatory of criminals who steal your life’s assets and then bung the insurance company to refuse to pay you a single cent in return??

I am sure that you run a successful humane business without exploiting anyone and that you are the first to feed beggars on the street, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU??

Perhaps you fought in Iraq and are embittered?? I engaged peacefully to try and stop that war, not because I think Saddam was acceptable, but because murdering people for oil was not the way to change it. Is that a crime??

I really don’t care who you are, but I would request that your website eliminate all reference to me and I would request that the three UK politicians this is cc’ed to might respectfully request that Mr Obama shut your site down and send you to become an international ambassador for peace in the Middle East.

Since you are clearly so superior to all those who try to engage that the whole problem would be gone in 6 months, wouldn’t it?

And the USA would be admired by the whole world, wouldn’t it?

Buddy boy…………

I didn’t notice until I got to the end bit about Mr Obama, but Rhys had actually CC’d the email to David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Hilary Benn. For real. That put the fear up me good n proper, as you can imagine. So, I packed a few basic supplies and then went into hiding for a bit. It was pretty lonely in hiding, in a hut up in the hills of North Dakota all on my own. I’d have invited the missus to come with me but I was worried that Mr Obama would use the full resources of the CIA to come and put an end to my disgraceful existence and I just didn’t want her getting mixed up in that shit. Also, they would probably have turned me into an international ambassador for peace in the Middle East and she hates international ambassadors for peace, wherever they live.

As the weeks passed, my terror began to give way to a feeling of smug satisfaction as I realised that I might have given them the slip. I began to leave my secret shelter more and more often and sometimes would stroll brazenly into town and buy a pack of mini scotch eggs or a bottle of dandelion and burdock, cackling to myself all the while. After a couple of months I reasoned that the heat might be easing up (I’d starting talking to myself using that kind of cop-show jargon, it just felt right at the time) and so I turned up back home again with a bristly face. I’d been trying to grow a beard as a disguise but, even after weeks without shaving I looked more like a hairy chicken or maybe one of those sad, wispy orangutans they’re always rescuing from forest fires. Incidentally, are there any other blokes out there over the age of 30 whose beards don’t fucking join up yet? I mean, how old do I have to get before I can grow a beard that doesn’t look like some desperate wispy attempt to prove I’m old enough to buy a drink? Anyway, I can’t give away all my secrets, just in case Rhys sets Interpol on me and I have to go back into hiding. Suffice it to say that, if you’re pretty careful about footprints and keep your DNA under your hat, even Mr Obama finds you very hard to track.

Now that I come to think about it, it occurs to me that Nick Clegg, David Cameron and Hilary Benn might simply have dismissed Rhys’s furious missive as the whirly-brained fantasies of a self-important, tinfoil mentalist. It would certainly explain why I’m still at large.