spEak You're bRanes

Someone’s dead.

Who?

Dave Perry, Pembroke, where sanity rules in a world that is cross wired

You wouldn’t have heard of him anyway. But maybe if you’re lucky you’ll run into one of the moderators at a bus stop in Pembroke-where-sanity-rules-in-a-world-that-is-cross-wired and they’ll be able to explain it to you.

JD who?

Dick Barton, Somewhere on page 165 just after the debate’s closed. Marxist censorship from the BBC., United Kingdom

Here’s a tip: If your paranoid, whiny, self-obsessed signature is several times longer than anything you have to say, don’t expect the mods will rush to share your brilliantly insightful location with the world every time.

Thanks to Schroduck for finding this one and for penning the perfect response to it.

Most recommended comment on the J.D. Salinger RIP thread:

Who cares. He has no importance in my life because I’ve never heard of him. I’m sure I’m not alone on this.
[RockingTheJoint]

[RockingTheJoint] takes empty-box-filling solipsism to new heights here. Not only has he never heard of the guy, nor, by induction, has anyone else in the world.

On the plus side, he’s accidentally just written his obituary.

“What are your memories of the tsunami?” was refreshingly free of inane self-obsessed grumbling, idiotic pet theories or attempts to hammer the Nick Griffin into every possible debate. Still, there’s always good old surreal weirdness.

Please note that there is a technology to create and/or enhance any kind of “natural” disaster…

Tibor TK, Neuss

It’s like a hand-blender, but nuclear. You just stick it in the sea or the Earth’s molten core and you’re away.

I watched that ugly incident live on the screen and it has left me with a strong belief that the world is about to come to an end. I don’t think anybody is safe with that kind catastrophy similar to that which prompted Noah to build an ARK.

wodgot, uk

It’s a scary thought, but you know what’s scarier? Just the other day, I was watching David Attenborough and I saw a fucking COBRA on the screen. What if God sends a massive cobra to destroy the world this time? Best you build a giant wooden mongoose as well, just to be sure.

It certainly cut down on the amount of piracy in the south China seas area for a while. Sad that so many innocents died along with the pirates.

Paul, Sapcote

Like they say, every cloud has a silver lining. Maybe you should give Tibor a ring and the two of you could get yourselves down to Somalia with his gadget. Sorted.

Thanks to the missus for finding this.

According to the Empire forum stats, warneford87 joined in April 2006 but didn’t have anything to say until Brittany Murphy died. This is currently his/her only post.

R.I.P Brittany Murphy Bless you poem

You were in Sin City,
I thought you were pretty,
Just Married was a flop,
It wasn’t much cop,
6 Mile was about rap,
You certainly were not crap,
So why did you have to die?
To make movies in the sky?
Why why why why why why why??????????
One less house for santa this year,
One less house of christmas cheer,
Now you are with the king of pop
In the section of heaven where hearts have stopped,
Are you an angel now?
Did you get your wings somehow,
Every time a bell rings,
An angel gets it’s wings,
I hope for you that bell ring a ding dings,
Bless You.
xx
warneford87

That’s lovely. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if she comes back from the fucking dead, just to say thanks.

The death toll in Afghanistan has hit the sad milestone of 204. The death toll of people we actually care about I mean.

The rising death toll among british forces is horrendous. What does me is there seems to be an air of acceptance among the british people. I dont mind saying this but i wept last night. How many more soldiers are going to have to be sacrificed. How many are going to come home with shattered bodies and minds. How long is going to before the british get angry and demand the end to this carnage. RIP to the 380. You will always be in my thoughts.

steve orton, loughborough, United Kingdom

“I don’t mind saying this but I wept last night”? Ok so it’s good you’re man enough to admit it but what? YOU CALL THAT FUCKING GRIEF? You’ve ballooned the figure to nearly double and you STILL can’t do better than “I wept last night”. Do you even care about the troops, or are you just another tool of George Bush and the Taliban? Show him how it’s done, [philpeacerob]:

I WEEP for the families who have lost loved ones,I cry in ANGER when I hear Gordon Brown say we are fighting to keep Britain safer,and I cry in ANGER when I hear the Bob Ainsworth use the word ‘THEATER’ , His he ashamed to admit that it is a war zone, and his government are sending are troops into the killing fields, If he and any other MP are committed to the Afghan course, I suggest they go into ‘THEATER ‘
I will WEEP for joy when our boys are home, and this government is laid to rest

[philpeacerob], birmingham, United Kingdom

That’s more fucking like it! This guy blubs at established phrases like “theatre of war”. Beat THAT. Come on you fuckers! CRY FOR THE TROOPS! Do you love the Queen? Do you love Winston Churchill? Well then let’s see some fucking TEARS you PUSSIES! Yeah!

But it’s not all about raw emotion. Sometimes you need to take the rational approach.

I am a reasonably intelligent adult. I do not understand what we are doing in Afghanistan.

Bring the soldiers home.

AA

Well AA, all I can say is, keep using that brain-training thing your aunt got you for Christmas. When you make it up to “actually intelligent” it’ll all seem obvious.

I know I should leave Biased BBC alone, but to be honest, if you’re going to use painfully obvious song-title puns to complain about the ethnics on your telly, you’re pretty much asking for it.

If it “makes no difference if you’re black or white” why has the BBC wheeled one black artiste on after another to tell us how important MJ was?

As you no doubt guessed, we at SYB are in league with the BBC, and out of curiosity we forwarded your complaint to the Head of Leftist Activism. We received this statement by return of post:

Dear Speak Your Brains [sic],

Jackson does not dictate policy and, here at the BBC, impartiality guidelines are quite clear about just such controversial assertions. ‘Stand by Me’ must be put on alongside ‘Don’t Stand so Close to Me’, and ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking for’ may not be played unless equal airtime is given to the skiffle standard ‘Blow Me Down, It Was in My Pocket All Along’. As such, the BBC gave, as required, equal consideration to the prospect that it does matter if you’re black or white.

Yours Faithfully,

Vladimir P.C. Al-Jihad

Controller of Political Bias, Broadcasting House, Londonistan

An old one from the thread when Wendy Richards died.

She wasnt what you would call a “great” actress, but could hold her own against many who were thought to be and was able to emote more than most actresses in soaps do in a lifetime.
She will be missed, but leaves a legacy of work that will long be fondly remembered.
[andie99uk]

Thanks for that.

It reminded me a bit of Jeremy Paxman desperately trying to dredge up a plausible opposing position and keep things “balanced” when he can blatantly see, along with everyone watching, that one of the guests in his “debate” is making some kind of sense while the other is talking freshly-squeezed horseshit.

Found on the Daily Mail site. Too easy, Ian, way too easy.

This is truly saddening.
I propose that – to commemorate Jade Goody, her inspirational life and her brave battle with cancer – we rename Mothers Day to “Jade Goody Remembrance day” so that she will never be forgotten, and so that she may serve as an inspiration to future generations in the fight against cancer.
My daughter recently discovered she had breast cancer because of Jade Goody. I know she must be looking down upon us now. and to her I say thank you, Jade, from the depths of my heart.
Jason McDonald, Reading

My mate Steve suggested naming a cancer after her. Then she’d be remembered forever in phrases such as “I’m afraid your fanny is riddled with Goody” or “I’m sorry to inform you that you have malignant Goody in your nutsack. Very malignant indeed. You’ve got about 2 weeks and, frankly, I’d be surprised if it didn’t take out a few innocent bystanders as well”.

I wonder if the BBC shouldn’t run some kind of opt-out scheme where celebrities can sign a form that reads “In the event of my untimely death, please, under no circumstances should the BBC invite everycunt to share their half-formed opinions of me (after googling me to work out who the fuck they think I was) or tell desperately tenuous stories about how they once took a photo of me while I was looking at a helmet in the Jorvik Viking Centre. Thanks”.

Thanks to Jon for finding this first one.

i think her organs should have been harvested
pym, usa

As usual, much of the thread is full of self-important teeth-gnashing masquerading as concern. There’s a surprising amount of giddy bumwank about ski helmets and the usual collection of cockends who’ve never heard of her and are angry that anyone else has.

I like this one. I’m not sure if it’s a message of condolence or simply a set of instructions on “how to ski”.

It looks like the UK is having its Sony Bono moment. These celebrity skiing deaths happen occasionally. Michael Kennedy had died a week before Bono. at the end of 1997. Skiing is dangerous: one is trying to balance on a slick surface, going down a steep slope–all while having to constantly shift one’s position in order to execute turns. A helmet might well have helped prevent the injury. It is important to bear in mind the one is likely to fall–and that the packed snow can be very hard.
Arthur Pomar, Milwaukee, WI, United States

But my favourite so far is this one from a chap who arrived late to the griefathon and, despite forgetting his P.E kit, gamely agreed to join the grieving in his underwear.

I have never heard of Natasha Richardson Before, but it seems many people have, and like them, I think that any death, particularly any death that results from such a minor incident, is indeed a tragedy.
steve

I just came across HaaHaa HeeHee.

On the death of Tony Hart:

He was a lovely man and I’m sure he must have inspired millions to be more creative. An example of quality and innocence on TV.

There are so many well loved TV personalities reaching the vulnerable ages that BBC should create a searchable condolences section separate from the HYS forums to allow people to express their sorrow as a “permanent” tribute.
HaaHaa HeeHee, United Kingdom

Searchable?

I did find myself wondering if HaaHaa HeeHee is taking the piss. If only there were some kind of universal barometer of cluelessness that would let us know for sure.

There isn’t a shred of credible scientific evidence to support the idea that species evolve into other species. There is no plausible theory as to how life/matter/energy came to be out of nothing.

Evolution is as scientifically unproven as creationism or any other “ism”. It is interesting to consider all the theories but it is time to stop the presenting evolution as “scientific fact”.

Darwin is the author of questions and not scientific advance.
HaaHaa HeeHee, United Kingdom

Ah.