spEak You're bRanes

On that Whitfield chap. Nestled away amongst people saying they didn’t know who he was, and people who’ve confused Spartacus with reality, was found this:

I shake my head in wonder and sadness at our readiness to sacrifice our beautiful and precious talent on the alter of political correctness that will not allow even the mention of alternative cancer treatments in the public venue, in spite of the overwhelming scientific evidence that some of them work very well.
think

Hollywood has a severe lack of proponents of weird health alternatives, yes. Why don’t you grind up your computer into a poultice, cram a quart of bee stingers up your pooper, cut all your fingers off, drink a bottle of rat piss and fuck off over there on a public awareness campaign? I’m not saying it’ll cure cancer, but it’ll certainly put you out of my gradually expanding misery. Which is probably better than curing cancer, in a lot of respects.*

*The ones that involve me.

Notable American diplomat Richard Holbrooke is dead. Luckily I saw Scotty1694 before he fell foul of the moderators and managed to memorise his comment.

1. At 11:35am on 14 Dec 2010, scotty1694 wrote:
Who?

We’ve all seen these before, I know, but come on. Before anyone else could even blink, Scotty’s in there, letting everybody know how vitally important his complete and utter lack of anything at all to say is. Proudly, completely and pointlessly ignorant. No thought. No intelligence. Not a whiff of awareness of anything in the fucking world. Just pure, determined, tiny-cocked speed. This guy comments like Richard Hammond drives. POW!

The Mail milks another corpse.

Thanks to Webby.

Your daughter is now with the Angels now, God bless. Personally, I think it is grotty accommodation they stayed in for their honeymoon.
Anon

Yes, but the young women behind the reception desk are sweet with huge, wary eyes.

Crikey found this story on the Daily Record website, concerning one “tragic businesswoman” who’d jumped to her death from the fourth floor of an Edinburgh hotel. That this tragic businesswoman chose to take her own life at rush-hour, the Record considers to be a very important detail. So let’s not forget that. Ever. On her headstone should be engraved:

Tragic Businesswoman, b. 1980 ~ d. rush-hour 2010

People often wonder what’s a decent length of time before it’s acceptable to start being honest about the dead. With suicide, you can safely bypass all that. It’s the point at which a life may be reduced to an inconvenience, and the usual rules are suspended. Your ignorant squawks of disapproval will generally be tolerated, sometimes applauded, even before rigor mortis has set in. And if anyone doesn’t like it you can lean on the mantlepiece, wagging finger aloft, and go: “blah blah selfish waffle waffle cowardly blah blah 3-mile tailback.” Others will sit around in plush armchairs, nodding sagely and occasionally harrumphing. An ornate Georgian clock will tick in the background.

None of this will make you any less of a cunt, but at least you’ll believe that you’ve claimed the moral high ground and eventually die with a clear conscience. And on that score at least, you’ll have won.

You’ll have fucking won.

i don’t get it why do people take their own lives

no matter how bad or dire your life is you need to say to yourself its going to get better

my heart goes out to the family
3inarowithinkno

Just remember that, when you’re standing on the edge of existence, deafened by the screams of a tormented world, nothing but bleak plains of sorrow sprawling endlessly before you, and behind you, the cracked shell of your own soul. Remember: it’s going to get better.

Goodness, what came over me? Sorry about that, vicar. Another slice of parkin?

im sorry, i have been severely depressed and considered suicide myself, but i would never have dreamed of doing so in a way that others are involved. i cant bring myself to feel sorry for the woman, who would put people in that situation to have to witness that??? what about the poor kids that would have been subjected to that??? or the poor people she may have took out with her??? sorry to her family, but im terribly sorry, she not getting my simpathy vote
amber78

There’s a certain breed of human being whose first instinct, when faced with a tragedy of some kind, is to start snuffling round for reasons not to give a shit. amber78 is a fine example. Even with the supposed ability to view the event through the prism of shared experience, she’s more than happy to toss that prism aside and say, “nope, I refuse to let this ruin one second of my day! And here’s why: blah blah selfish, etc.”

Perhaps they fear the weight of empathy will overwhelm them, and are trying to convince themselves more than they are the rest of us. Perhaps they’re too unimaginative to see such complex and emotive issues in anything other than purely binary terms. Perhaps they’re just arseholes. Whatever. They fill me with equal parts boredom and despair, and I wish they’d keep their opinions to themselves.

Thanks to Sophia for these (from the Daily Mail I think).

The last two major plane crashes (this one and Tripoli) have both involved early morning landings, and the Polish president was also killed in a morning (although not early) landing
Could there be a common denominator?
Maybe something the authorities should take a look at.

RIP to all that died.
- Graham, Torrevieja Spain, 22/5/2010 11:28

You probably all heard about that plane crash in India and, like me, your first instinct was to start investigating it immediately. You most likely left yourself a message stuck to the fridge saying “Remember to think very hard about what causes plane crashes“. You didn’t do anything about it though did you? No. But Graham did. He was all over that shit while you lazy fuckers were sat there in your knickers, eating crumpets and swigging champagne. Not only that, but he also found the time to send a brief message of support to the dead.

Kind of puts your efforts in perspective doesn’t it? Think on.

why are there so many plane crashes these days?
and i do hope they find survivors, its a shame to not see your loved ones again.
- jack, scotland, 22/5/2010 12:28

What do you mean “why”? Did you even read Graham’s report??? They’re caused by MORNINGS you prick.

You’re right though, it is a shame.

Thanks to Generalist for this. Oh look, Jon Venables did a drawing when he was ten that isn’t of fairies and ponies like most boys’ drawings are. Quick, think of a comment that expresses how much you love all the precious kiddiwinks!

We should have hung them when they were ten. Killing children is wrong and should be punished by death.

Pritesh Hathalia, Leicester

Ideally the hangman should be eight years old so we can go after him next.

Someone’s dead.

Who?

Dave Perry, Pembroke, where sanity rules in a world that is cross wired

You wouldn’t have heard of him anyway. But maybe if you’re lucky you’ll run into one of the moderators at a bus stop in Pembroke-where-sanity-rules-in-a-world-that-is-cross-wired and they’ll be able to explain it to you.

JD who?

Dick Barton, Somewhere on page 165 just after the debate’s closed. Marxist censorship from the BBC., United Kingdom

Here’s a tip: If your paranoid, whiny, self-obsessed signature is several times longer than anything you have to say, don’t expect the mods will rush to share your brilliantly insightful location with the world every time.

Thanks to Schroduck for finding this one and for penning the perfect response to it.

Most recommended comment on the J.D. Salinger RIP thread:

Who cares. He has no importance in my life because I’ve never heard of him. I’m sure I’m not alone on this.
[RockingTheJoint]

[RockingTheJoint] takes empty-box-filling solipsism to new heights here. Not only has he never heard of the guy, nor, by induction, has anyone else in the world.

On the plus side, he’s accidentally just written his obituary.

“What are your memories of the tsunami?” was refreshingly free of inane self-obsessed grumbling, idiotic pet theories or attempts to hammer the Nick Griffin into every possible debate. Still, there’s always good old surreal weirdness.

Please note that there is a technology to create and/or enhance any kind of “natural” disaster…

Tibor TK, Neuss

It’s like a hand-blender, but nuclear. You just stick it in the sea or the Earth’s molten core and you’re away.

I watched that ugly incident live on the screen and it has left me with a strong belief that the world is about to come to an end. I don’t think anybody is safe with that kind catastrophy similar to that which prompted Noah to build an ARK.

wodgot, uk

It’s a scary thought, but you know what’s scarier? Just the other day, I was watching David Attenborough and I saw a fucking COBRA on the screen. What if God sends a massive cobra to destroy the world this time? Best you build a giant wooden mongoose as well, just to be sure.

It certainly cut down on the amount of piracy in the south China seas area for a while. Sad that so many innocents died along with the pirates.

Paul, Sapcote

Like they say, every cloud has a silver lining. Maybe you should give Tibor a ring and the two of you could get yourselves down to Somalia with his gadget. Sorted.

Thanks to the missus for finding this.

According to the Empire forum stats, warneford87 joined in April 2006 but didn’t have anything to say until Brittany Murphy died. This is currently his/her only post.

R.I.P Brittany Murphy Bless you poem

You were in Sin City,
I thought you were pretty,
Just Married was a flop,
It wasn’t much cop,
6 Mile was about rap,
You certainly were not crap,
So why did you have to die?
To make movies in the sky?
Why why why why why why why??????????
One less house for santa this year,
One less house of christmas cheer,
Now you are with the king of pop
In the section of heaven where hearts have stopped,
Are you an angel now?
Did you get your wings somehow,
Every time a bell rings,
An angel gets it’s wings,
I hope for you that bell ring a ding dings,
Bless You.
xx
warneford87

That’s lovely. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if she comes back from the fucking dead, just to say thanks.