spEak You're bRanes

The death toll in Afghanistan has hit the sad milestone of 204. The death toll of people we actually care about I mean.

The rising death toll among british forces is horrendous. What does me is there seems to be an air of acceptance among the british people. I dont mind saying this but i wept last night. How many more soldiers are going to have to be sacrificed. How many are going to come home with shattered bodies and minds. How long is going to before the british get angry and demand the end to this carnage. RIP to the 380. You will always be in my thoughts.

steve orton, loughborough, United Kingdom

“I don’t mind saying this but I wept last night”? Ok so it’s good you’re man enough to admit it but what? YOU CALL THAT FUCKING GRIEF? You’ve ballooned the figure to nearly double and you STILL can’t do better than “I wept last night”. Do you even care about the troops, or are you just another tool of George Bush and the Taliban? Show him how it’s done, [philpeacerob]:

I WEEP for the families who have lost loved ones,I cry in ANGER when I hear Gordon Brown say we are fighting to keep Britain safer,and I cry in ANGER when I hear the Bob Ainsworth use the word ‘THEATER’ , His he ashamed to admit that it is a war zone, and his government are sending are troops into the killing fields, If he and any other MP are committed to the Afghan course, I suggest they go into ‘THEATER ‘
I will WEEP for joy when our boys are home, and this government is laid to rest

[philpeacerob], birmingham, United Kingdom

That’s more fucking like it! This guy blubs at established phrases like “theatre of war”. Beat THAT. Come on you fuckers! CRY FOR THE TROOPS! Do you love the Queen? Do you love Winston Churchill? Well then let’s see some fucking TEARS you PUSSIES! Yeah!

But it’s not all about raw emotion. Sometimes you need to take the rational approach.

I am a reasonably intelligent adult. I do not understand what we are doing in Afghanistan.

Bring the soldiers home.

AA

Well AA, all I can say is, keep using that brain-training thing your aunt got you for Christmas. When you make it up to “actually intelligent” it’ll all seem obvious.

I know I should leave Biased BBC alone, but to be honest, if you’re going to use painfully obvious song-title puns to complain about the ethnics on your telly, you’re pretty much asking for it.

If it “makes no difference if you’re black or white” why has the BBC wheeled one black artiste on after another to tell us how important MJ was?

As you no doubt guessed, we at SYB are in league with the BBC, and out of curiosity we forwarded your complaint to the Head of Leftist Activism. We received this statement by return of post:

Dear Speak Your Brains [sic],

Jackson does not dictate policy and, here at the BBC, impartiality guidelines are quite clear about just such controversial assertions. ‘Stand by Me’ must be put on alongside ‘Don’t Stand so Close to Me’, and ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking for’ may not be played unless equal airtime is given to the skiffle standard ‘Blow Me Down, It Was in My Pocket All Along’. As such, the BBC gave, as required, equal consideration to the prospect that it does matter if you’re black or white.

Yours Faithfully,

Vladimir P.C. Al-Jihad

Controller of Political Bias, Broadcasting House, Londonistan

An old one from the thread when Wendy Richards died.

She wasnt what you would call a “great” actress, but could hold her own against many who were thought to be and was able to emote more than most actresses in soaps do in a lifetime.
She will be missed, but leaves a legacy of work that will long be fondly remembered.
[andie99uk]

Thanks for that.

It reminded me a bit of Jeremy Paxman desperately trying to dredge up a plausible opposing position and keep things “balanced” when he can blatantly see, along with everyone watching, that one of the guests in his “debate” is making some kind of sense while the other is talking freshly-squeezed horseshit.

Found on the Daily Mail site. Too easy, Ian, way too easy.

This is truly saddening.
I propose that – to commemorate Jade Goody, her inspirational life and her brave battle with cancer – we rename Mothers Day to “Jade Goody Remembrance day” so that she will never be forgotten, and so that she may serve as an inspiration to future generations in the fight against cancer.
My daughter recently discovered she had breast cancer because of Jade Goody. I know she must be looking down upon us now. and to her I say thank you, Jade, from the depths of my heart.
Jason McDonald, Reading

My mate Steve suggested naming a cancer after her. Then she’d be remembered forever in phrases such as “I’m afraid your fanny is riddled with Goody” or “I’m sorry to inform you that you have malignant Goody in your nutsack. Very malignant indeed. You’ve got about 2 weeks and, frankly, I’d be surprised if it didn’t take out a few innocent bystanders as well”.

I wonder if the BBC shouldn’t run some kind of opt-out scheme where celebrities can sign a form that reads “In the event of my untimely death, please, under no circumstances should the BBC invite everycunt to share their half-formed opinions of me (after googling me to work out who the fuck they think I was) or tell desperately tenuous stories about how they once took a photo of me while I was looking at a helmet in the Jorvik Viking Centre. Thanks”.

Thanks to Jon for finding this first one.

i think her organs should have been harvested
pym, usa

As usual, much of the thread is full of self-important teeth-gnashing masquerading as concern. There’s a surprising amount of giddy bumwank about ski helmets and the usual collection of cockends who’ve never heard of her and are angry that anyone else has.

I like this one. I’m not sure if it’s a message of condolence or simply a set of instructions on “how to ski”.

It looks like the UK is having its Sony Bono moment. These celebrity skiing deaths happen occasionally. Michael Kennedy had died a week before Bono. at the end of 1997. Skiing is dangerous: one is trying to balance on a slick surface, going down a steep slope–all while having to constantly shift one’s position in order to execute turns. A helmet might well have helped prevent the injury. It is important to bear in mind the one is likely to fall–and that the packed snow can be very hard.
Arthur Pomar, Milwaukee, WI, United States

But my favourite so far is this one from a chap who arrived late to the griefathon and, despite forgetting his P.E kit, gamely agreed to join the grieving in his underwear.

I have never heard of Natasha Richardson Before, but it seems many people have, and like them, I think that any death, particularly any death that results from such a minor incident, is indeed a tragedy.
steve

I just came across HaaHaa HeeHee.

On the death of Tony Hart:

He was a lovely man and I’m sure he must have inspired millions to be more creative. An example of quality and innocence on TV.

There are so many well loved TV personalities reaching the vulnerable ages that BBC should create a searchable condolences section separate from the HYS forums to allow people to express their sorrow as a “permanent” tribute.
HaaHaa HeeHee, United Kingdom

Searchable?

I did find myself wondering if HaaHaa HeeHee is taking the piss. If only there were some kind of universal barometer of cluelessness that would let us know for sure.

There isn’t a shred of credible scientific evidence to support the idea that species evolve into other species. There is no plausible theory as to how life/matter/energy came to be out of nothing.

Evolution is as scientifically unproven as creationism or any other “ism”. It is interesting to consider all the theories but it is time to stop the presenting evolution as “scientific fact”.

Darwin is the author of questions and not scientific advance.
HaaHaa HeeHee, United Kingdom

Ah.

From one of the “ZOMG!! SAINT BABY P U R IN HEVAN NOW! SOLIDER! LOL!!!” Facebook pages.

Where do i start ? Little Peter – You brave , brave little boy. After all the pain & misery you still managed a smile. They couldn’t beat you down. Let down by all those who should have loved you or who could have saved you. You will always be in my heart little fella. I wish i could have been there to take you away from that hell on earth.
To the 3 vile bastards : The fat , stinking whore of a ‘mother’ & the 2 insane , sadistic filthy ‘brothers’ . Your fate is sealed. You will burn in hell for eternity , but not before you meet an untimely , fear-filled & painful end. You showed the little guy no mercy & the same will be afforded to you. I look forward to hearing the news of your grisly deaths. Cunts.
RIP little soldier xxxx ( see you up there one day to give you a big hug)
Ray Whelan

The thing that originally made me laugh about Ray’s comically moronic tragiblurt was that third sentence: “After all the pain & misery you still managed a smile”. Presumably, typed while staring at an image, on a website, of a TV showing an image of the famous photo of the child, taken before all the pain and misery.

The stuff that’s made me cry laughing, though, is the “poetry”. You know how, sometimes, only poetry can adequately express your emotion? When you’ve shouted “GRAAAARG!” at the television for hours, shat yourself, banged some things on the ground for a bit, texted “OMG I CANT BELEVE DEY DID DAT?!?!” to everyone in your phone book, banged some more stuff and then shouted “GRAAAARG!” again? When the only things you have left are Coldplay and poetry? Yeah man, we’ve all been there.

There’s a few predictably nauseating poems from “loving mothers” (the kind of smothering, needy “love” that’s extended only to those who need mummy’s help when they have a poo). Most of them seem to be taking time out from their day jobs writing birthday card greetings, but my favourite is this chap, below. I’m fairly sure he’s taking the piss, but it fits in so seamlessly with the rest of the grunting and squawking that nobody on there seems to have noticed.

An African singer I’d never heard of apart from briefly on Wikipedia tragically passed away. Naturally I didn’t have much to contribute to the obituary thread so limited myself to two posts per hour.

Does anyone outside Africa actually know who this person is???
[aNonnaMoose], Stratford upon Avon, United Kingdom

Of course not. No-one has heard of anything you don’t know about.

Never even heard of her. Somehow I doubt all these have your Sayers’ have either.
Chris, us

At least you’re not a hypocrite though.

I have never heard of her which is really rather rare for musical performers. I guess that I am not old enough to be aware of her political work against apartheid. Sadly this illustrates that we all grow old and the battles of our day are forgotten. It is always sad to lose musicians as they amongst all entertainers are the bringers of the greatest joy to most peoples lives.
jeremy slawson, plymouth, United Kingdom

It’s so sad that she never lived to be recognised by your genius.

Public Enemy did more for the black rights movement, I mean, I’ve barely heard of Miriam Makeba and knowing music is part of my job and I’m also black. Just type in Public Enemy then Miriam Makeba into Google and Public Enemy comes up with more than 10 times the amount of results than Miriam Makeba.
Mr Boobjangles, Nottingham, United Kingdom

Hi, this is Chuck D. Just calling to say I read…SHUT UP GUYS!…I just read your post on Have Your Say and…STOP LAUGHING!…and yeah I’d like you to come on tour with us since you know so much about music and Public Enemy and Google and stuff…SERIOUSLY GUYS!…You can be a roadie or something and come on stage and Flava Flav says you can wear his clock.

Who is our countries equivalent.Who sings about how beautiful and united we the british people are and recieves full coverage in the media.?no? neither can i.
I wonder why???
[AnotherAngryMan], Tyne and Wear, United Kingdom

Are we meant to blame Muslims, immigrants or self-hating anti-British Guardianistas for this one? Please be more specific.

Thanks (I think) to Rob. I get a lot of submissions from people pointing me at Facebook Hate Groups but they are generally aren’t very funny. This one isn’t either but it’s quite instructive. I’d been wondering, like almost everyone else in the country, how the fuck three people could end up committing such stomach-churning crimes as have been endlessly and salaciously described by the media in the “Baby P” case. The fact that there were three of them makes it more confusing. You can’t quite grasp why none of them stopped it. The more I read the Facebook group of vengeful hate, the more I begin to understand. Having three of them in it together made it easier not harder for them to commit the crime. All that’s needed to turn normal people into monsters is a few other people all acting like this is normal. Witness the terrible power of groupthink, anger and stupidity:

But the evil bitch will b segregated,so other lags cant touch,she ought to b slowly tortured by decent mums like us
Tracey Hall (West Midlands)

If she was talking about anything else it’d be piss funny. I think it’s also quite interesting that you often hear politicians, journalists etc talking about “decent people” but, unlike Tracey, they’re slightly too smart to add that crucial “like us” on the end that lets you see that what they really mean. You can see it in the response to the leak of the BNP membership too. The “decent, like us” are gathering all over the internet and discussing what they should do to hurt the “indecent, like them”. It’s Saturday morning and I’m here to tell you that, as a species, we’re completely fucked.

Incidentally, I’m fairly sure that somebody, somewhere, makes a USB keyboard that has two fist sized buttons on it: a blue one (for the daddies) labelled “REST IN PEACE LITTLE MAN!!!” and a pink one (for the mummies) labelled “NOBODY CAN HURT YOU NOW LITTLE ANGLE!!!! XXX”.

Michael Crichton died.

Its a strange world where a man who created so much pleasure for others writing medical fiction is struck down by cancer at a ridiculously early age. Makes no sense.
keith l

It’s almost as if the cancer-fairy has stopped means-testing and started sticking pins, randomly, in the phone book.

Jurassic Park was such an amazing book. Who knows, one day we may bring Michael back.. well we can wish.

Rest in peace.
Mr South, time for a vote of no confidence!, United Kingdom

All we need is a mosquito that ate some Michael Crichton. Or maybe a handy Michael Crichton egg. Let’s just pray that he doesn’t start reproducing asexually and then take over the island.

Coma (directed by Crichton) created a great visualisation of human greed wherein young healthy people were deliberately placed in a comatose state & their organs stolen for sale in the black market.

Fact or Fiction? It HAS happened & IS happening!!

Jurassic Park highlighted the vulnerability of technology 2 unexpected iterations as the DNA used 2 fill gaps in the reconstruction of dinosaurs created hermaphrodites which led 2 reproduction in a female ONLY population!

Great alert again!!!
[MaxMaxmilianMaximusI], Indian Caesar in, Singapore

Think of all the priceless knowledge we might have lost though! I know of at least 5 frog/dinosaur cross-breeding projects that had to be abandoned because of this kind of scare-mongering. What if The Cure For Cancer™ happens to be hidden 13 inches up a hermaphrodite stegosaurus’s arsehole?