spEak You're bRanes

The HYS forum has changed recently. They’ve got rid of the recommendations and paging and I think maybe raised the character limit, resulting in extremely long pages of unreadable bollocks. It’s a massive improvement and hopefully means nobody will ever try to read any of it ever again.

They also got rid of the RSS feeds of user posts. Now I have to scan through, looking for good shit, instead of simply subscribing to the feeds of the most amusingly self-important bellends. It’s not massively rewarding.

I’m going through old ones I saved but never got round to posting. Sometimes, it’s never too late.

If a victim is being physically attacked, the victim can use self defence to protect himself. That is the law of the land, and it should be no different in the classroom.

To those who are shocked with this statement, believing that children should not be taught that violence is the answer to violence. Well remember this: bullying is easy when the victim can’t retaliate; and sometimes, it’s never too early to learn about the real world.
Lloyd Belle, Nottingham, United Kingdom

Good call, Lloyd. Sometimes, the only way to stop bullying is to batter the fuck out of someone much smaller than you.

Thanks to Emily. From the Mail. Don’t click on the link.

I HAVE NOT READ THIS ARTICLE…

Because why should I or anyone else care?

- Jo, Bournemouth, England

I went one better. Didn’t read the article, didn’t comment. Kicking myself I didn’t ignore Jo from Bournemouth as well.

I have to thank whoever made the decision to ask the gnomes “What should Britain’s defense strategy be?”. It just keeps on giving.

It really brought out the very best in them. Many of them appear to have been patiently formulating military strategies and collecting important-sounding acronyms for years. They’ve beavered away in secret, reading about war, thinking about war, fantasising about war and masturbating about Lynda Bellingham. Finally, the little white box has asked them what the army should do. This is their chance to make a difference.

Expand support for special forces, specifically the SFSG, and look to expand SF aswell . Satelitte technology

Correctly equip regular forces with everything ground commanders recommend and unhindered by budget and cost saving

Ditch Trident, make a more mobile rapid response force, split into self sufficent units of 1500 strong supported by helo’s, Littoral combat ships and other defensive counter-measures .

There arent enough words available to be able to describe everything needed .
[BigHitter]

Aw, come on. Cheer up lad. Sure, it’s easy to become despondent when you realise that nobody gives an elasticated wank-nappy about your plan for Afghanistan. Don’t give up and don’t let it get you down! Try and forget that you’ve pissed a substantial portion of your life away patiently shoveling lorry-loads of arseblubber into the internet. Forget that you believed, for no reason that the rest of us can fathom, that this was worth doing. Abandon your conviction that important men with moustaches were leafing through your penetrating observations with grudging approval. Bravely ignore the fact that everyone has actually been shitting themselves laughing at you.

The clues you need are already on HYS. Look, here’s our old friend Ron C, putting you all straight.

…….I`m certainly not amongst them……….
Darkseid Jones,

Like all our hys`s they will always like your`s get lost in the “dark”. The mandarins in the MOD, won`t even bother to read them either, try writing direct. You still don`t get it. Why do you bother posting, its`s only all a bit of fun. lighten up.
Ron C, Northwest, United Kingdom

I think you’ve got the right attitude, Ron. The trick is to lighten up and remember that the only person who actually pays any attention to what you write is me. And I think you’re a lonely bollock.

Domestic defence security is vital with less committment overseas.The new aircraft carriers are a must, as this in turn will bolster our air defences, we also should rethink our nuclear strategy and slim back on this, and consider strengthening the army ground fores with emphasis placed on fast efficient reaction well trained and equipped units. Do something worthwhile about the terrible state of army accommodation and increase pay that its`s well above the highest parking ticket zealet`s pay.
Ron C, Northwest, United Kingdom

Ron? Can you hear me? You need to lighten up, Ron. RON? IT’S ONLY A BIT OF FUN. RON???

Thanks to Void for these submissions from the gobshite goldmine. What I found interesting about these three is that they’ve all decided how everything should be run to fit their petty preferences and personal prejudices, and just want a chance to test them out on a plane. For example, Sven Goonson would like Gordon Brown to stop being such a Nazi and do some proper racism.

Oh for god’s sake, what a typical BBC discussion – the answer is obviously no. I suppose the Beeb doesn’t have to suffer the turmoil that us silent majority have to face waiting hours on end in airports packed like sardine cans.

All we need is racial profiling to keep an eye on the people that are most likely to be terrorists, though I suppose Führer Brown wouldn’t dream of being oh so un-PC.

I heard that they even check people in wheelchairs at security. Utter farce.

Sven Goonson, ZaNuLab free zone, United Kingdom

Meanwhile George has a more difficult conundrum: he needs to come up with a way to prevent bombings, but all he can ever think of is bombs.

No. the problem is th US is a wimp now. If a terrorist blows a bomb up in Iraq, we should carpet bomb that neighborhood. that sends the message to the local people to stop terrorists or their block will be destroyed. It a terrorist attempts or succeds in using a bomb on a plane, no more flights in or out of that country for 10 years to the US.
BUt I am sure Obama thinks that is “cruel”.

George, Stuart

It’s harsh, but what patriotic British terrorist would ever risk such consequences?

At least Paul here has a less genocidal axe to grind, and I think we should be kind and take him at his word and assume he’s NOT RACIST IN THE SLIGHTEST and ONLY hates Pakis for their funny names.

I’m sorry , but people with long names ,double barreled or just plain time wastingly long should have to pass through a special desk for checking .Can i say this without being accused of sounding racist (which i’m not), he wasn’t called Jim Smith was he ? I have to spell out even my common name quite often…how long it must take some people to have their names checked i dread to think.. (if indeed they are) Strip search with light refreshments provided is the only way!

PAUL WILLIAMS, MANCHESTER, United Kingdom

Of course, there’s an ulterior motive at work here. For all his feigned concern, Paul really just wants to get anally fingered then given tea and biscuits.

SS isn’t pleased, and gives us a fascinating insight into the mind of the Have Your Sayer, (Well, the Daily Mail equivalent, it could be any idiot comment monkey on the internet). What happens when you’re long-term unemployed, and were the thickest in a thick workplace before that? How can you possibly convince yourself of your superiority to the rest of the pathetic human race? Simple: just take the only thing you’re good at in the whole wide world, and judge everyone else solely against that one yardstick. Please note: this may require extensive scraping in the lower regions of the barrel.

Why do they let these idiots on these programmes and waste our airtime? They should thoroughly test the contestants to make sure they are intelligent enough. Whenever I answer the Mastermind questions at home I always get the vast majority of them correct. The same goes for all the daytime quiz shows.

The standard of education has slipped too far in this country. We have ended up with a low IQ workforce or at least it was 10 years ago when I was made redundant.

- SS, London

Perhaps I was too harsh with SS. He/she does have more than one talent. Inadvertently confessing feckless stupidity to the internet, for one thing. Plus, I’ll wager SS wanks and eats Pringles with more skill and finesse than any of us ill-educated pond-scum could ever conceive.

I found the “Should respectable middle-class parents be allowed to cheat the system so their gifted children don’t have to mix with oiks and foreigners?” debate and thought it would be a good hunting ground, but then I lost it. Thanks to Alex for helping me find it again. I didn’t realise it would be this fertile. Typical offering:

This country is run by lunatics!

I dont blame ANY parent who attempts to cheat the system if it’s in the best intrest for their child!

When we dont have major problems with crime, illegal wars, illegal immigrants, anti social behaviour, a broken justice system, lack of prisons, bent politicians and banks widdling our money away THEN and only then will I worry it! Somone who wants the best for their child shouldnt have to face this “idiocracy”.

Adam Stasiak, Darlington

Yeah BBC, before you go laying into parents for illegally trying to set their kids up for a better life, why not sort out lawbreakers, all those MPs and bankers fiddling the system, and all those foreigners using public services they’re not entitled to. Also Adam, I’m not sure if you know what the word ‘idiocracy’ means, but I wouldn’t write it off if I were you, as ultimately it really could work in your favour.

Why wouldn’t a loving parent with the best interests of their child at heart, be prepared to scam their way into a decent school, when the corrupt government which presides over us thinks nothing of stealing millions of pounds of taxpayers cash a year without a care of retribution?

If it’s good for the pigs in Westminster, it’s good for the rest of us to be as corrupt.

Withnail Xtreme, Camden Town

Can you just give it a rest for five minutes? There is other news you know.

As working hard citizens exploided by this corrupt, champagne socialist goverment our only weapon to defend us is cheating as much as we can with the school system, with taxes, with smoking in some venues, the comunist TV license, etc. I´m cheating and I will forever until this circus full of clowns AKA NuLabour dissapears forever.

jono onos, London

Note how Alex’s find, in his rage at Britain’s government and institutions, is not just totally, utterly and furiously indifferent to the existence of a single other human being on the planet, but, with all that unrelated crap about the fag ban and the telly-tax, we also have a rare case of someone whose incoherent torrent of bile actually required a bit of padding out.

Uh Oh- I feel another nulabour draconian legislation coming on. Council officials are about to be given the power to strip search a parent and send them to jail for fifteen years after bugging their house and following them with a video camera to prove that they have committed the heinous crime of trying to give their child a better education.

[ash101437]

You’ve got a colourful imagination Ash, I’ll grant you, but you’re up against some heavyweights in the dystopian novel genre, and there’s also a lot of bantam-weight competition just on BBC Have Your Say. Do you really think you can pull this one off?

Thanks to Liz for pointing me at the BNP Question Time thread. It’s actually rather reassuring, to see a party almost unanimously inducing massive, racist erections in HYSers, when we know only a fraction of the population would ever actually vote for them. It’s almost as if they’re just a small group making a lot of noise, who the majority of us disagree with, but stay silent because we don’t think they’re worth bothering with.

This is why I think they’re so impressed with Nick Griffin. These are people who spend all day in an environment where almost everyone has the same opinion, twice an hour, and the ones who don’t either get no recommendations, or give up on the fucking place and come here. Granted, it’s the ultra-left BBC, but it’s safe, sanitised, and everyone is either just like you or invisible. We find them here and not in the real world because differences of opinion and the idea of having to rethink their position actually rather frighten them. Meanwhile, Nick Griffin musters the courage to go on a BBC programme where everyone thinks he’s a racist twat, has seen videos of him being a Nazi and planning to lie about it, and is a lot cleverer than him. It’s as if there’s a thunderstorm and he’s actually peeped outside, while this lot are still quivering under the bed.

To the guy who called Nick Griffin “D*** Griffin” and people who cheered him.
We are British
We say Good Morning, Hello and thank you
We stand in a queue
We give up out seats for elderly and disabled
We respect other…
We are a polite nation
By calling him and cheering to the call you sank below his level….
Shame on you…

Emil LeBlues, London, United Kingdom

You can’t even compare a pudgy Fascist toff to a man’s frontal danglies these days without the PC brigade jumping down your throat. I don’t recognise my country any more.

My wife and I think Nick Griffin is the most courageous man in UK politics. He was very brave to go on this show to speak in what was always going to be a hostile environment.

We are English, hard working people who can see that this country has an unsustainable population rise and a crippling level of debt. We also see many imigrant arriving to exploit our generosity yet not respecting our culture. Nick Griffin speaks sense. We are being invaded whilst our boys are dying abroad, its wrong.

Richard, Norwich

For some reason, I’m now picturing your wife. Small, mousey, quite pretty, but tired-looking. Most of her conversation with others consists of standing next to you saying “yes”, “he’s right you know” and “that’s true dear”. Smiles and nods a lot. Secretly, she thinks you’re a bit dim and sometimes borderline racist, but she loves how proud you look when you get to be Official Marriage Spokesman.

It was very biased against Nick Griffin. The audience was about 85% multicultural and the panel were hypocrites, one minute saying that the Daily Mail had freedom of speech and the next they were denouncing an elected political party for it’s views!
Where were the supporters of the BNP in this audience? Not allowed in, I suspect. It was a totally one-sided affair and even though I woul not vote BNP, I think the man had a lot of guts for coming on the show in the first place.

Rebecca Dwyer, Wakefield, United Kingdom

I feel quite sorry for Rebecca Dwyer. She obviously really wants to be clever and understand politics and stuff, but it’s always that half-inch away from her grasp. So she can never work out why the fat Scottish man and the young man with the long face and posh accent are always shouting at each other. And this is where bad euphemisms come back to bite the English language in the arse. Poor Rebecca’s clearly heard “freedom of speech” and “multiculturalism” used so often for “don’t criticise my opinions” and “wogs, assorted” that she genuinely thinks that’s what they mean.

Here’s Liz’s find. You remember back in GCSE English, when you had to read all those books, and, though you never admitted it at the time, there were a couple you quite liked. Obviously, it’s been years since then and you can’t really remember what they were about, but you had the same pencil-case right through to the end of your A-Levels, and will never forget the quotes you scratched inside the lid to get you through the day.

In the famous book “to kill a mockingbird” Atticus Finch tells his kids, bravery is not a man with a gun in his hand, but someone who knows they are going to be beaten before they start, but still goes ahead. Nick Griffin knew he wouldn’t get a fair hearing and would be raked over the coals. But he went ahead and aired his views, that makes him brave in my eyes and thats why I am voting BNP next election

Atticus Finch, Mockingbird town

At least it’s a change from ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’.

Shock confession from our old friend [mugged_as_mp_laughs].

Well, I realised the importance of education, got my GCE ‘A’ levels, got several good telecomms jobs (because I had a ‘brain’), bought my modest house, saved a lot for the future and retired at 51.

Keep working ? You’re having a laugh.

Keep LEARNING more like.

Now when I wake up each day, I say to myself, ‘What shall I buy today ? or ‘which holiday shall I book ?’.

Best of all, I contribute ZERO income tax to this broken country.

Life is good.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

Golden rule of tax bores. Never, ever, EVER admit you don’t actually pay taxes. It really, really fucks your shit up. Observe:

Ms Lane Fox, the UK’s Digital Inclusion Champion

Who ?????

How much am I paying for this waste of space ?

Did we elect her ?

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

Nothing. You don’t pay income tax, remember? Assuming you leave your house long enough to walk on the pavement and use a pelican crossing, you’re most likely a net drain on the public purse, albeit a middle-class one who can spell. This “waste of space”, unlike you, actually puts into the kitty and does something mildly productive with her time. The real question is how much she is paying for you. Because the poor woman’s clearly getting ripped off.

Man that felt good. Shall we have another one?

Actually. the Tunnel AND Bridge were FULLY paid for by us years ago, and I believe ALL the toll fees now go to benefit Essex and Kent County Councils.

So when it is sold, it will be a double whammy for them.

So much for helping the people.

Brown is such a child when it comes to Business.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

Did you know Tagalog has two forms of ‘we’; one including the listener and one not? Well [mugged_as_mp_laughs] has gone even further and developed a form of ‘us’ that doesn’t include the speaker.

And from just where does the UK Gov’t obtain it’s funding?

[lorderkules], Leeds .

Actually, It’s ME !!!!!

One of the millions of hard working mugs who are forced to pay taxes to prop up this pathetic third world country.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

This “ME !!!!!”… It’s a long shot maybe, but it wouldn’t, by any chance, mean “other people” would it?

Well, thats another 57 MILLION pounds (the cost of setting it up) of OUR money gone then.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

Excuse me, I’m sorry, whose money?

Personally, I don’t feel it is a UK Government responsibility to give OUR money to any foreign country.

If someone came to my house and demanded money to give to Oxfam, I would soon tell them where to get off.

I choose to give my money to UK Animal charities.

How DARE the Government deign to decide for me what to do with my charitable disposable income ?

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

You should try withholding income tax, like Noam Chomsky. You’d probably adjust to it quite easily.

State Pension at 66 in 2016 ?????

Well that’s everybody’s vote under the age of 59 lost then.

They’ve certainly lost mine.

I thought the Tories were going to help working single people.

Oh and STOP child benefit. What the heck is that for ?

Surely if you have a child, you have already planned its financing until 18 years of age.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

I’m not sure that’s how having children works. Incidentally, what do you care about working single people? None of them are you.

I am literally itching waiting for this guy to use “hard-working taxpayers” as if he actually is one. ‘Cos you know it’ll happen. Man that’ll be good.

More from Bruce Grant, aka veteran novelist Cuger Brant. You can tell Bruce/Cuger is a novelist because he spends the whole day sitting in cafés.

All these malingerers should not get anything! When i have a coffee in the morning at the coffee shop before WORK, there are those on benifit, sitting there having their second, third cup free (take note Starbucks). Then i see them going to the local Sally army or soup kitchen for their free lunch( take note charities) after lunch they sit in weatherspoons drinking. I slept rough for a week for charity, I do know what i am talking about. It really was an eye opener!! see part two..
Cuger Brant
Bruce Grant

Imagine having a job where, when the feckless and workshy are on their second or third coffee of the day, you still haven’t started work. Imagine getting to spend all day trudging round after the unemployed or spying on them through the window. It must be great being a tortured genius.

There is scum and there is SCUM. To my mind when I see dossers collecting dole and doing what I have just previously described they are SCUM. If a blind person, a disabled person has the honour, the integrity to find and get work, why do not these fit, able bodied layabouts? Why give them any dole money? Why are they allowed to milk the system?

Oh yes, just to show i’m not too impartial, stop immigration as well! We are full up!!

Cuger Brant
Bruce Grant

Not sure what to make of the last sentence. Is Bruce Grant presenting himself as the maverick rebel, fighting the far-left forces of political impartiality? Or is he trying to tell us that, hey, he’s not just a nosey hypocrite, there’s more to him that that. He’s also an incoherent racist. Give him credit.

You know what, we’ve not had an good old straight-up racist fucknut-magnet thread for a while. Should the EU welcome more refugees? One of the more unorthodox answers comes from Glen Thomas, who I assume is transforming into some kind of white supremacist werewolf.

AAAARRRRGGGHHHH NNNOOOOOO!!!!

Glen Thomas

But rather than just roar, some HYSers have decided to use this topic to try out their dry, cutting wit, and that’s what we’re going to be learning about today.

What an absolutely splendid idea. Cut the number of illegal immigrants by allowing them to come over legally.

Could we please extend this to other crimes. The murder rate would be cut drastically if we made it legal to kill and the number of thefts slashed if we made it legal to help yourself to other peoples property.

Phil, Liverpool

You’ve made a bit of a mistake here Phil. You’ve gone and opened your sarcastic tirade with a very reasonable idea, one that we already do anyway by allowing any immigration at all. Then you’ve made a massive jump to something completely different. Doing that doesn’t make the idea look stupid, it makes you look stupid, and that’s not what you want from sarcasm. Let an expert show you: I see where you’re going with this. While we’re at it, let’s eradicate a terrible disease by cutting the cancer quota to zero and bring in an Australian-style points system for rape.

See? Much better. You could also try something like this, if you don’t mind being a cunt.

”They often rely on human traffickers and risk their lives as they try to enter the EU on rickety boats.”

Oh, my heart bleeds for them, sniff…

peter paxton

Some competent sarcasm there. But what a cunt. Somehow though, straight insults aren’t enough for me. I wanted to work out exactly how one achieves such world-beating sarky cuntishness, and I think I’ve got it. These two actually think immigration is a crime. Not just illegal immigration, all of it. They actually think that what basically amounts to moving house is a heinous act in and of itself. All that stuff about visas is just the government going a bit soft. From that viewpoint, there’s a delicious irony to immigrants drowning on their way to Europe. Poetic justice! You wanted to flood our green and pleasant land with yourselves, but now it is your own lungs which are flooding! Hoist by your own petard! Live by the boat, die by the boat! Peter Paxton, you’ve passed both sarcasm and irony with flying colours, simply by failing as a human being. You cunt.

Unfortunately these next two weren’t up to sarcasm and could only manage unintentional irony:

Right now, people all over Europe are remembering the 70th. Anniversary of the outbreak of WW2 – a monumental struggle to free Europe (and elsewhere) from the yoke of unbearable tyranny. And now along comes the “EU” with this notion.

Remind me – what did so many die in WW2 for?

The “EU” must be stopped. Now. No ifs, buts nor maybes. Abolished. Thrown into the dustbin of History. Period.

[NewsMonitor]

You’ve got to admit he does it well though. I can’t help but admire anyone who can wax lyrical about how noble it was of us to fight Hitler and then call an ineffective trading bureaucracy that lets people flee to Britain “unbearable tyranny”. It just goes to show, nothing helps you with unintentional irony like having absolutely no sense of perspective whatsoever. Though he’ll never quite be the mack daddy of the discipline:

No, the UK should not welcome more refugees.

Queue the swivel eyed leftys and their personal attacks, devoid of an argument.
g mitchell, kent

Good point. An internet discussion forum is no place for unjustified assertions, straw-man arguments and hypocritical ad hominem attacks.