spEak You're bRanes

Snow. Thanks to Chris…

I think spring is coming.
Christine, England with a parliament rotten at the core!

Yeearh, so’s summer an’ nex’ au’errnn too! Like all the silly skytv weather cat walk forecasters you’d be saying it’s winter ‘cos t’ weather’s turn’d cold an’ if temp above 12°C you’d be saying it’s summer, an’ if nex’ day it was rainin’ you’d say ee’ bai gum ole’ win’er’s back! Put a sock into it woman just because it snows in summer somewhere sometime one day doesn’t make it winter any more than cold weather in winter justifies the dolly girl cat walk weather forecasters telling us “wintry” weather is back. Very warm sunny weather in Feb may be described as “summer” weather but for crying out loud it’s still winter until third week in March !!!
Dennis, Geneva, Switzerland

If there’s one thing Dennis hates more than women, it’s erm… No, I’m not entirely sure. Northerners, maybe..?

I’m willing to bet he also hates conversation, other people enjoying themselves, and when the dolly girl cat walk woman in the house opposite remembers to close her curtains.

Something about the economy or something.

For heaven’s sake, BBC, stop peddling the ‘recession over’ line and talking about our economic problems as if they were in the past. This is all part of the Clown/Starling conspiracy to try to make us feel better before the election, whereas those of us who live in the real world know only too well that our problems are far from over. We won’t even be making a start on the road to recovery until 7th May; until then, please stop your government-driven propaganda.

Douglas Lee, London

Starling? Who the fucking cock is fucking Starling? Is it some kind of sideways reference to Josef Stalin, Soviet leader 1878-1953, but with an ‘r’ and a ‘g’ jammed in there so it’s an entirely different word? Is it the bird? I don’t know that much about birds. Are starlings like magpies, but for taxes instead of shiny stuff? Are they notorious as the absolute worst bird at overseeing a national economy? Or is it, as I suspect, that tedious moron Douglas Lee is physically incapable of either calling a politician by their real name or thinking up an even slightly witty substitute for ‘Darling’?

I’m just fed up with this. I sometimes assume Harriet’s surname means ’son of Harper’ before realising that if that actually was her name I wouldn’t ever get to read it. Every time I summon up the masocourage to look at a right-wing blog and see if I’ve not been wrong all along, I have to waste twenty minutes of my precious life ploughing through the sixty-two latest hilarious incarnations of Comrade (Has-)Bean Jocksky Bottler McLeonidBrezhnev Tartantits One-Eyed Idiot Barry “Bagpipe” Soetero Haggisface until I finally get to some lazy variation on “McBroon” and work out it must be the Prime Minister.

Though I suppose they’re just as stumped when they read ‘Gordon Brown’.

I dared to hope that a series of pictures of a man being stoned for adultery in Somalia wouldn’t provoke much hilarity in a sane world. And it doesn’t. Not even in the insane world of the Daily Mail, where light relief is attempted in the form of the same Tiger Woods joke repeated 872 times.

Filter out those and all the BNP propaganda, and you’re pretty much left with the following…

(No thanks to Graham.)

Funny how it’s considered repulsive to stone a man to death for adultery yet acceptable in “more civilized” societies for people to cheat on their spouses.

Hmm… If only this was standard punishment for all adulterers.
Posole, Los Angeles, California

Yeah, that is strange, now you mention it. Yet again, it’s one rule for adulterers, another for murderous thugs burying people up to their necks in the ground and throwing stones at them.

When my ex-husband had an affair, I would have loved to throw stones at his head. Stupid human right laws.
Liz, Washington

Remember the days – simpler, happier days – when we could brutally kill our cheating partners without any sandal-wearing, mung bean-eating, busybody New Liebour thought-police bastards whining at us about our partners’ right not to be slowly bludgeoned to death with rocks? But what about us? What about our right not to be cheated on? Are you listening, Gordon Brown?

At least he didn’t get ‘community service’ like the scumbags here get.

The state of our world continues to sicken me.
Katy, Buckingham

Katy neatly sums up all of our frustrations re: the previous scenario. Not only is it forbidden to take the punishment of philandering partners into our own hands; to make matters worse, the law in the UK is too feeble to impose upon them any sentence harsher than a few hours covering up graffiti on a flyover.

We’re all fucked.

This sort of action could stop the spread of aids??
CJ, Ireland

Hello, is that Médecins Sans Frontières? Sack the condoms off, we’ve got a better idea… One the Pope might even like!

I know, it’s vile and cruel for someone to have to go through something like that. On the other hand, however, why wasn’t the woman involved stoned to death? I can understand why, to an extent, but I personally think both parties involved should have the SAME sentence, as adultery is a very wrong thing to do. Not punishable by a very…ah… painful death, but most certainly something painful. It’s also quite humiliating for the poor man who was stoned to death to have photos taken of him while it happened. In my opinion, those photos shouldn’t have been taken.
Charlotte Delooze, Ashton, Manchester.

It’s bad enough to see a man suffer a slow, agonishing death for the crime of having sexual intercourse out of wedlock. But not seeing a woman get the same treatment is just taking the piss.

A bit harsh for adultery (Cheetah Woods must be glad he is not African).
Good idea for murder, rape and paedophilia (No apologies to the PC Liberal Brigade)

Lighten up a bit, think of the Stoning Scene in “Life of Brian”
Any women here, are you sure?
Arkley Barnet, Still here

Yeah, cheer up, for fuck’s sake, will you? He’s only black. And anyway, this humanity angle is clouding the real issue. Let’s boil this whole sorry thing down to one single objective truth. A truth I’m sure we can all agree on…

Excellant photography,pictures are so clear.
kc, scotland

From me bruv.

It must be difficult for Northerners to understand the disruption caused by the snow, because the disruption is primarily being caused to people with jobs.
Greg

That is brilliant and so true. We were all sat around in Sheffield today trying to decide how to spend t’giros you tax-paying southern ponces keep sending us when someone read your HYS comment on the Yorkshire Internet Computer. We spent a while trying to think of a similarly brilliant retort but then t’bullock escaped from t’lower Wakefield paddock again and t’village elders sent us all out into t’fields to t’get it t’back t’again. T’wat.

HYS questions sometimes get phrased in a rather odd way. You get the main question – Should there be an upper limit on pay? in this case – then a series of curiously-bolded subquestions to try and make you really “think” about your answer. Does any job deserve a £1m salary? Do you earn a million pounds or more? The relentlessness of the questions coupled to the utter blandness of the subject makes it a bit like being interrogated by the W.I.

No

Finnish Viewpoint, Helsinki, Finland
Recommended by 50 people

So 50 people agree that either there shouldn’t be limits on pay, or no job deserves a £1m salary, or they don’t earn a million pounds. This is why HYS is so good at capturing the national mindset.

I dont see how anyone on the planet could possible need more than 60k maximum per year.

Valkyrie woody, Burton on Trent, United Kingdom

….you obviously haven’t met my girlfriend yet!

RYAN GRIFFITHS, SOUTHAMPTON, United Kingdom

If you have to pay her that much, technically the word “prostitute” is more accurate than “girlfriend.”

If I take my life savings and open a shop, employing lots of people, paying them wages, paying employer’s national insurance. If that shop buys things, benefiting the supplier, and then sells them and provides great service and I happen to sell a million things at a profit of £1 each, why am I not entitled to the million pounds profit?

I took the risk, I employ people, I provide work to suppliers…and I’ll be paying £400,000 in tax!

Andrew Carter, London, United Kingdom

Yeah, Andrew Carter, why not? You could get off the sofa right now and open that shop. Take your hand out of the bag of cheetos and sell those million things. Stop masturbating to This Morning and provide that great customer service! David Jason and Lynda Baron are just waiting for you to take that risk, you fiscal dynamo!

Sometimes it gets hard to laugh at their giddy bumwank. Other times you barely have to try, it’s already pure, understated comedy genius.

What does Armistice Day mean to you?

50 million dead.
Lions led by donkeys.
A lost generation.
Maintenance of the status quo.
Forgotten pensioners.
The loss of innocence.
Drongo Umbongo, in the, Congo

Junkers for goalposts?

The starkest lesson to learn from WWI; the most significant thing we’ve given titled to unite the ‘World’ – mankind – was a WAR! The most horrific & casual loss of life we’ve ever known.

People of all backgrounds jumped to defend a nation & that generation is now passed, not merely in the flesh.

We owe an unimaginable debt for our ‘freedom’ to those who gave their lives for our country.

Thousands of people still jump to the chance to defend our freedom, that should NEVER be forgotten!

Oliver Westall, Somewhere in England, United Kingdom

Jump up, jump up and get down.

I’m not a reasonable man. Even so, if a friend told me that he’d had the zany idea of spending the winter months on Eastern Mediterranean Time, I’d probably just think: whatever floats your boat, mate. You fucking loon.

But when the Telegraph’s Charlie Brooks announced that he was doing just that, he was met with pages of vitriol.

Well, vitriol and this… whatever it is (thanks to Katherine)…

What a dysfunctional, miserable, rotten, hate filled, paranoid, fearful country this has become.

There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING, that British administration and attitudes cannot make even worse than it already is/was.

Examples are so numerous that they are beginning to rival the spread of some virulent viral pandemic.

The current disastrous state of this benighted land politically, economically, socially and culturally cannot be overstated.

We are ruled by persons who apparently hate us and have betrayed our very national soul, we are inhabited by persons who hate each other, we cannot agree on anything.

Not that the majority are allowed a deciding voice mind (even though they are forced to fund this malevolent extravagance), that is the perogative of our political/administrative masters.

Who in turn appear to be in thrall to either the EU, sinister banking elites, Common Purpose, Frankfurt School adherents, multi-cultural fanatacists, perhaps all of these or indeed anything and everything that is inimical to Britain’s interests and needs.

I have long, long since given up on believing that this is ever going to be addressed by anybody in charge (sic).

Personally I blame the socialists for most of it during my lifetime but to be even handed it cannot be denied that Britain is also suffering from hubris.

The end result of a several hundreds years of treating the general populace as cannon fodder, drones and willing victims allied to cap doffing deference and no choice otherwise.

Unless you were one of the minority who were already privileged, could rise above it via education and hard work or were very lucky.

Those who could not put their trust in those (the socialists) who promised what they could never, ever deliver.

The proverbial silk purse from a sow’s ear as has been irrefutably proven over and over again.

All this against a background of fiscal decline, rising crime, unemployment, non-education and increasing taxation to further impoverish and trap us into submission, with booze, drugs and sex replacing bread and circuses.

Welcome to Dystopia Central formerly known as Great Britain.
Paul (1)

Paul (1) later writes:

I use this bullet style presentation to make my points clear, unambiguous and easy to read.

Stick to Greenwich Mean Time, kids.

On whatever Gate it is where Professor David Nutt got sacked.

From my observations on web messageboard conversations, scientists have been heavily censored from political participation in UK & the US.

This isn’t democracy as I understand it.

Edwina TS, High Wycombe, United Kingdom

Let’s just hope you finish your cutting-edge research before they shoot you in the back of the head.

I found Bruce Grant happily blathering away in every thread ever.

Should patent theft be criminalised?

Methinks plagiarism should be a criminal offence, let alone inventions. After all, stories are personal ideas and inventions akin to scientific ones. What say you?
Cuger Brant
Bruce Grant

Bruce says “methinks” a lot. He also says “QED” at the end of quite a lot of his posts. You might start to wonder whether he’s some kind of insufferably pompous wanker but, rest assured, there’s another explanation: Bruce is actually better known as the author “Cuger Brant”! Like all great authors, Bruce cannot help but sprinkle his prose with shit like “dear reader” and “what say you?”.

Bruce is more than just an author though, he’s also a publisher and has published several works by the author “Cuger Brant”! I urge you to go check them out on Amazon. You can even do the “Look Inside” thing and read a few pages. They’re mainly about the environment and technology and are bursting with prophetic warnings.

I think my favourite is “Something Wicked This Way Comes” which features a terrifying vision of what can happen when nanotech goes horribly, horribly wrong. Bruce rejects the usual “grey goo” scenario and imagines medical nanobots taking over the body of a man called David. They start off in his leg but soon they take over his brain! The new entity calls itself “The David”. Then a bit of The David’s nanotech jiz goes right up his girlfriend and converts her into a nanotech thingy too. Then they make loads more clones and they all get jobs (”mostly clerical IT-oriented”) and The David decides they need a bigger house. Seriously. It’s fucking brilliant.

I’ll leave the last word to Bruce. Have you got anything really useful you can tell us, Bruce? Life-changing advice that you’ve picked up over the years? Another thought-provoking vision of a dystopian future? Or, if you’re a bit busy, how about the sort of generic Esther Rantzen-style advice that you might get from a fucking vending machine?

So there may be a postal strike. OK lets use this to our advantage. Instead of sending those christmas cards because you feel guilty about not contacting friends or family, ring them. Have a chat, talk about old times, communicate, wish them a merry christmas with sincerity. Both you and they, will be all the better for it.
Bruce Grant

Yeah, man. Them’s the goods right there. Thanks Bruce. Methinks.

Where now for the Sugababes?

They should get Lemmie from Mortorhead in the line up , now he would make it interesting. With his music writing abilities , years of experience in the industry, could teach them how to live rock n roll & do it For real !! They could change the band name to Sugg’a Daddy then ?? Least the music might sound better. Maybe their ace of hearts would compliment his ace O’ spades ??
Now that wud be sweet !!

Simon Joe Brown, Pontefract, United Kingdom

I look forward to hearing your views on the future of the Church of England.