spEak You’re bRanes

If I were a rock star and finally got my break …I wouldnt like it if my music was being shared illegally over the net !!!
deja vu

Your music will never be shared illegally over the internet.

Thanks to Jo. These are from a thread about that Serbian chap who’s going to be tried for war crimes. Many on HYS are obediently joining in the Two Minute Hate and frothing with rage at the chap they’d never heard of until yesterday, but others are more considered. Examples to us all.

Great news! Now - and this is important - make sure he gets a fair trial. We have to start standing for something again. If he’s truly the butcher they say he is (and I’m sure he is - but don’t convict him on my word) there should be no trouble trying him for his crimes. The world doesn’t need vengeance, we need justice. Make sure we get it and nothing less.
[Scott_From_Columbus], Columbus, United States

It’s all very well adding “don’t convict him on my word”, but you’ve already gone and let the world know what Scott from Columbus thinks. How do you expect him to get a fair trial now?

I haven’t been able to go through all the comments, but hasn’t anyone questioned why this person wasn’t recognized by his voice before now? He was the LEADER for heavens sake. He was on television and radio all the time. I could recognize Tony Blair or George W when they spoke, even if they had bags over their head.
[Allitnil], Coquitlam, Canada

Serious? NOBODY questioned that?? I suspect it’s a cover up. Or perhaps he spoke through a kazoo for the last few years.

Now he’ll get the overdue justice medicine he truly deserves…. it’s complementary & also complimentary…& all his victims now hope… he enjoys his “JUST DESSERTS”!

PS. I forgot to say there will be plenty enough for his old friend & perpetrator Ratko Mladic as well.
Jaker, London & Dublin

Thanks for reminding us that war crimes don’t have to be all “DOOM AND GLOOM”!

You just know when someone chooses to style themselves “LoonyLeft andThick” that they’re going to be a fount of hilarity, in the same way that you know someone calling themselves “Cunning Linguist” on a dating site is going to have plenty of lonely nights ahead. I’m never trying that again.

What would your Gladiator name be?

Clown Brown

Just think of all the boos and hisses as your name’s announced to the audience… Priceless!!
LoonyLeftandThick

Actually it probably is a good bet that 90% of the Gladiators audience is made up of HYS halfwits.

Have Europeans lost faith in the EU?

I never had faith in the EU/EEC in the first place.
Mr Clown and his merry socialist chums refuses to give us, in the UK, an EU referendum proves the point!!
LoonyLeftandThick

You’re answering the wrong question here. The one titled “Have pigshit thick little Englanders always had a sneering cowardice towards other cultures?” is over there. Still, nice reuse of the Clown joke.

Should there be access to cross-border healthcare?

This idea is utter madness!
I can just imagine masses and masses of eastern Europeans flooding to our hospitals for treatment that, in the end, we’ll be paying for.Another foolish idea from that totally undemocratic bunch the EU. Why are we paying National Insurance?
No wonder Clown and fools won’t provide a referendum on Europe in the UK….
LoonyLeftandThick

Yeah. Fuckers. How dare they get access to our healthcare and expect their own governments to pay for it? That reminds me, I must pick up form E111 before I hop off to Spain on Easyjet. Good to see you’re sticking with the Clown theme though. It was a tough pun to come up with, there’s plenty of mileage left in it yet.

What has the David Davis by-election result achieved?

It doesn’t matter who leads the Conservatives, they will hammer your useless socialist fools in 2010! I’m going to enjoy every last minute of NuLab’s demise- and yours…..Ha Ha!
LoonyLeftandThick

Points away for forgetting to squeeze the “Clown” joke in there again, but extra kudos for somehow confusing your political allegiances with those of Ernst Stavro Blofeld.

Go on then, give us another laugh. Got any jokes about things that aren’t NuLab?

What were your Glastonbury highlights?

The chemical loos!!
LoonyLeftandThick

Brilliant.

Have your sayers seem to be jealous of maternity leave.

Oh for heavens sake!

‘Wimmin’ are at it again. ‘We want, we want, we want……’

Children are a privilege, not a right. YOU want them, YOU bring them up. Instead YOU palm them off elsewhere & spoil them when you can be bothered to spend time with them and guess what? Society has hit the skids.

If you want kids, stay at home and raise them. If you can’t afford it, don’t have them.

I am a mum. I am self employed & work from home. I bring my son up.

Sylvia, westcliff

Wimmin = Knifecrime. You liberal do-gooders would do well to remember that.

If I were an employer I would give women the bodyswerve whenever possible. I work for the council and the women here are never off the phone about or to their kids, they take Mondays off, they need special holidays. If one of them comes back they seem to show up with their baby a week before and suddenly every women stops working for half an hour. It’s a joke.. You either have kids and stay at home looking after them making sure they don’t turn into neds or work full time all the time. Choose…
Ian, Aberdeen

If only one of these women would let you give them the ‘bodyswerve’. You’d probably hate them a little less.

Of you go again girls moan moan moan equal opportunities moan moan moan want the same as the men moan moan moan. Well listen up!

I’d love the chance to have 6 months off on full pay to be with my new born baby- and women who choose not to have kids would love this time off too i’m sure but this is not how the world works. You can’t have everything. Of course your career is delayed- if I had 6 months off away from the office mine would be too.

Get over it!
Cor Blimey Guv

Being with a baby? You know what that means, don’t you? Paedo! Paedo!

A thread on Doctor Who brought us the HYSers unique brand of hilariously politically incorrect humour:

What do you think will happen in tonight’s Dr Who?

They’ll go out on the lash, have a kebab and a fight.

Bert Trautmann

Ha ha! Great!

He should marry his latest companion, then when they split up she gets to keep his Tardis, and he spends all eternity in a bedsit struggling to pay the CSA.

john Adair, England Not Britain, Virgin Islands (UK)

Wa-HEY!

A darlek should reveal he is really his father & that the woman he loves is his sister.

NineteenEightyFour ReturnsForReal, This Planet, Not Theirs, United Kingdom

Haha! Wow! Just like in Star Wars!

The series is finally taken off the air because the Doctor cannot afford the crippling time travel tax and stargate congestion charge levied on the Tardis to save the cosmos by the politically correct Time Lords.

[Penworthy], Cornwall

Oooh! Little bit of politics there!

Davros should exterminate the labour government.

gnomes haverights

Edgy!

The clever money says Doctor Who will run off with a gay dalek, and that’s the last we’ll see of either of them for a while.

Wiggy Davies, Scafell

Let me guess, your boss is just like David Brent.

The Doctor and the Daleks join forces and march on Downing Street to protest about the rising cost of Inter-Galatic fuel and the soaring cost of oil for the Daleks working parts.

Alistair Darling is taken hostage by the Daleks and is forced to lower the price of both.

The Daleks then clone Gordon Brown into Mr Bean and jettison him into hyper space never to be seen on Earth ever again.

Cue closing music and credits !!

Heliboy nine one one, Olde Balham Londonia, United Kingdom

Isn’t the entire point of cloning that it’s the same person? But seriously, you’re ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!!!! Nights out with you must be WELL MENTAL!!!!!!!!

I really must congratulate HYS for raising Doctor Who into a thread, and giving me, via the various top recommended comments, the best laugh I’ve had all day.

The British sense of humour is not dead, and that’s official.

Andrew Hill, Grantham, Lincs

Dear God I wish it was.

Are our children globally illiterate?

The more important question is why indiginous children know so much more about foreign cultures than they do about ther own. There is already too much diversity and muticultural brainwashing, it’s destroyed real education.

New government please !

Matt Munro, Bristol, Uk

You know, just the other day I was having a most enlightening conversation with a White, Indigenous, BRITISH child about the prosody of Goethe and Baudelaire, when I happened to mention Shakespeare. “Shake-speer? Who’s that squire?” came the reply. Astonishing.

An education charity claims children aren’t getting enough of something? Wow! Actually that’s what charities do: identify a lack.

Stage 2 is to ask for more of whatever it is.

Stage 3 is to demand extra funding.

Excuse me but how much does education in this country cost the taxpayer? And why, when I visit the library, is it empty? And isn’t broadband cheap enough now for everyone to have it at home? Stop pretending kids are lacking anything that common sense alone can’t sort out.

Colin, London

Mum says not to go to the library where the strange man is.

I’ve made the “I’ll cry if I want to” joke and wondered if it’s April 1st. Now I need a real opinion. But I haven’t read the story (about a Swedish boy’s birthday party). I know! I’ll take absolutely everything I know about Sweden and mix it with absolutely everything I know about politics. That should just about get me up to five lines.

Last time I looked Sweden was a socialist, leftist nation. Need I say more??

keith l

I’d go with less.

It’s okay, he’s Swedish.

The anguish will live within him for another 20 years, at which point he’ll drive his Volvo into Stockholm harbour, while listening to a particularly morbid Abba song.

Possibly.

[TheMaskedMarvel]

What a bunch of whining mamby pambys. How Orwellian. This has to be a direct result of the severe alcoholism problems in Sweden. Does this mean that had I lived in Sweden I must buy a Saab AND a Volvo so neither is put off!?

Gemma Keates, Cambridge, United Kingdom

You forgot the porn and the lovely blonde ladies.

Does that mean that if a Swedish girl sleeps with one person in her school, she’s got to sleep with the whole bloody school? Teachers included?

Just Someone

And you forgot everything else. Thus is balance restored.

Another good reason for the human rights act to be abolished, as it’s plainly open to abuse.

bob, uk

We have a winner! Congratulations Bob. You forgot it was Sweden. First prize!

Thanks to Joe and Jonny and possibly other people for this first one. From the thread about the “Heinz Gay Kiss“.

I also did a double take when I saw this advert. Having grown up in the era where homosexuality is regularly shown on screen even I thought this was a step too far. It is not only unnecessary and confusing for young children, but also serves to emasculate the man even further. He is essentially ordered to kiss the “Deli Chef” which he does full on the lips. This emasculation of the male character within household adverts is insidious with many adverts of today, now showing men being bullied into homosexual acts in their own kitchens is taking it to a new extreme.
Andy, Stourbridge

I can’t imagine anything more extreme. Unless it involved erect cocks, arseholes, tongues, strawberries and a man wearing nothing but socks, tied to the radiator, with someone else’s ballsack in his mouth.

I found these in the same thread:

A cynical publicity stunt by Heinz. I hope their shock tactics fail miserably. Heinz have offended both homosexual militants and normal people, albeit for opposite reasons. Now everyone can boycott Heinz to protest at their inconsiderate behaviour.
Andy, London

I wonder whether Andy classes himself as a “homosexual militant” or a “normal”?

The real question is - “Is homosexuality legally acceptable as a lifestyle in Britain?” If the answer is no then ban away. If the answer is yes, then you are submitting the censorship laws to the often biased/bigoted views of the non-homosexual majority. The larger question might be: “Should we fully inform children that there are both heterosexual and homosexual alternatives and let them see role models and examples of each in the media?” If we are not going to inform them thus, aren’t we simply saying that heterosexuality is the default position - heterosexuality is the only OK form of sexuality to show to children? Is not this a meta-prejudice demonstrating that all other alternatives are inferior, subordinate and morally suspicious?
Nigel McBain, Kingston upon Thames, England

Cheers Nigel. It’s good to see someone standing up and saying… um.. whatever you said. You are teh intellechule uber-librul.

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this next one before. Someone’s probably sent it to me already. Sorry, I forget everything.

I was appalled at the advert. Having young children calling a man “mum” was sad, confusing, and so very wrong. Seeing same sex kissing is stomach-churning to most people who are not homosexual. Please keep adverts to appeal to the majority. I feel this was possibly deliberate to get discussion going and to brain wash people into eventually seeing these things as normal. What a sad reflection on life today.
Joan Bailie, Grimsby, Lincs, UK

It’s all part of the Heinz agenda to turn our kids gay. Everyone knows gayz buyz beanz.

Give thanks for the latest installment. I’m still sat on a pile of these. Quality.

RADIO 2
“Why is the BBC using Fahrenheit instead of Celsius? It is political propaganda in my opinion.”

“In this country legislation forbids the use of meters for distance. The use of the word ‘meters’ on the programme during the coverage of the earthquake in China really irritates me as a result.”

Shhhh. We’re lulling them into a false sense of security. Then Sebastian Coe is going to win the Olympics by running 400 yards instead of 400 meters. He’ll be wearing union-jack knickerbockers and an admiral’s hat.

RADIO 4
“There was very childish humour on the programme. All the talk of bums and tits was not funny and encourages bad language in children.”

It’s the only thing that makes “Go For It!” bearable.

NEWS AT 10
Re. Chinese Earthquake: “The BBC News is focusing on Schools. If an earthquake hits any part of Britain. We would have calamity on an enormous scale. Why are the BBC focusing on Schools. There are other public buildings that have been badly affected as well.”

Too right. Let’s get the library up and running first, or the kids will have nowhere to borrow books from when we’ve dug them out from under 5 meters of collapsed concrete.

THE ONE SHOW
“Neil Oliver said that potatoes used to cost a farthing a stone but I think it was actually one and four pence a stone.”

I’m pretty sure it was one and five pence. We can’t ALL be right.

READY STEADY COOK
Feels that Ainsley Harriott is a poor presenter. “His personal hygiene is disgusting. He never washes his hands before preparing food and has no consideration for the people who are eating his dishes.”

You’ve achieved something that I thought was impossible and made me want to defend that gurning nincompoop.

Thanks to Karin.

Low energy bulbs do not, in any case, save as much energy as claimed. This is because unlike conventional bulbs they produce very little heat. Therefore in a house using low energy bulbs the central heating system will have to work harder to make up the difference. Thus assuming one’s central heating system is on for 6 months per year, the actual energy saving is only half what is claimed. Ask any physicist.
Tim Beechey-Newman, Reading

I went one better. I did the calculations myself and then designed you an energy-efficient home that’ll have those environMENTALists eating their words.