spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Patrick W.

Remember Dennis Junior? There was a man who warmed the cockles of my heart with his detailed and conscientious responses to HYS questioning. He showed that it’s not winning the racism, it’s the taking part that counts.

Now, imagine Dennis Junior as a complete twat. That would be Toad in the Hole. He’s very much a corgi’s anus, but very thorough with it – no question gets left un-wanked on. The difference between Dennis Junior and Toad in the Hole is that mingled in with the desire to respond to every single question posed on HYS – even if he himself admittedly knows fuck all or doesn’t give a shit – is the equally strong desire to air his docile, simplistic, wanky opinions on everything he might think he knows something about.

Should stars get involved with politics?

I don’t care.
Toad in the Hole

Will the Afghanistan leaks affect security?

No idea.
Toad in the Hole

Is the TV portrayal of gay and lesbian people fair?

I don’t care.
Toad in the Hole

What impact will Argentina’s legalising of gay marriage have?

I don’t care.
Toad in the Hole

He can have an opinion, though. It’s not all apathy and mole-like vision.

Will aid help improve security?

Will aid help improve security? No.
Toad in the Hole

Which UK city would be most worthy of culture award?

None, they’re all hell holes rife with crime, drugs, gangs and Labour voters.
Toad in the Hole

Yeah, a sense of humour always helps. I’m not sure if Toad in the Hole started off as a Dennis Junior and ended up being corroded by the flecks of spit on HYS, or whether he’s just another high-functioning literalist with a laptop and a modem. But you know, at least he has a sense of irony…

Should you be anonymous online?

People who post anonymously normally have something to hide.
Toad in the Hole

But not, you eh, Toad? Or should I just call you Mr. or Mrs. Hole? Odd though, considering all that we know about you after reading through your comments on your profile, we still don’t know your name, age, gender, where you live, what you do for a living, if you’re married or if you have kids. In fact, one would assume that you’re anonymous. Or that you’re very clever and you’re being a very smart little iron, instead of a ridiculous parody of a human being.

Don’t assume though – you make a twat out of yourself. Or no, wait – you don’t do that by assuming things. You do that by saying things like this:

No matter what the religion or sexually orientation is, Britain is full. We cannot cope with the population we have now. People here today are losing their jobs, their homes and their dignity, while at the same time 1000′s of immigrants continue to arrive, why?
Toad in the Hole

I don’t know. Perhaps the next post you made can answer that tricky question – after all this, I’ve been dying to hear how you think we should contribute to society.

I Work for living, don’t scrounge off the state and don’t commit crimes nor participate in anti social activates.
Toad In The Hole

Yeah, that’d be it. It’s your job. Literally, mate, it’s your specific job. After all, in what other country could you get a job where one of the main duties is to post twenty fucking times, every single fucking day, including weekends, on every single fucking topic that appears on HYS, including stuff you know fuck all about, stuff you don’t give a shit about, and stuff you think you know about, but which, in reality, you know fuck all about?

Well, Britain. And probably Narnia. But I heard they deal with immigrants quite harshly there.

emma2001 offered up this bleak vision of the present in response to David Mitchell’s CiF piece on the burqa debate. Thanks to Giles.

When a Goverment starts telling people what they should wear we are on the road to George Orewells 1984 which is the country we now live in

But remeber today sunday we allow the Goverment to tell us that Tesco/Asda/Sainsburys can only open for 6 hours to let us shop

What hope has this country got of ever living in freedom when we allow the Goverment to tell us when to shop

Think of it

Emma
emma2001

Just think of it, when you’re trudging all the way to the corner shop at 4:01pm this Sunday. Think: “this is my Oceania. This is my war-torn totalitarian murderhole. This is my Iraq, my Zimbabwe, my Sudan. They may not be laying waste to my cultural heritage. They may not be violently suppressing dissent. They may not be dragging my family away to death camps. But they are restricting trading hours for one day of each week. Repression of basic human desires. Just as Orwell predicted. Shit, I’m like a philosopher or something. I could murder some Space Raiders.”

Tagnut of the day award on 22nd July went to gabriel100 for his standout performance on the Graun’s Ian Tomlinson article.

I’d like to count the ways gabriel100 makes everyone think he’s a bucket of mung, but it’s much easier to just post a couple of his comments and call him a twat.

Completely the correct decision.

It was wrong of the officer to push him, but really it was his lifestyle which caused his death, not a mere innocuous fall (which even a frail pensioner would have gotten up from).

Tomlison completely brought it upon himself. A group of stressed, frightened and pent-up Police Officers are trying to clear a street. Tomlinson is being needless awkward, taking baby steps, refusing to move along etc. Thus, someone lost his temper and gave him a little shove. Its all there in the video – no more to it than that.

I have zero respect for people who wrongly demonise the Police, and even less for those who like to act up to antagonise the Police, then wail like a pathetic child when they get what is coming to them.

So, the correct decision is not to prosecute and I am equally delighted for the officer as I was for Sgt Delroy Smellie, (another cop whom that digusting rabble of rioters that day had unfairly complained about – they didn’t like him hitting back after he was assaulted, it seems).
gabriel100

They had Tomlinson bang to rights, and no mistake. Not only was he on the chubby side and sold newspapers for a living – common sense tells you that’s a diet of Micro Chips and Fray Bentos – but he was walking away from the police, with his hands in his pockets! That’s antagonising behaviour if you ask me. What else do you call not running for your fucking life when you’ve got a bunch of titheads with the mist bearing down on you? Didn’t Tomlinson know that coppers and dogs work on fear? And Pedigree Chum?

gabriel100, though – this crusty thong string isn’t done. Clearly not satisfied with the general thrust of public opinion in the Guardian – that he’s a twat – he goes on to prove that not only is comment free, but it’s also really shit and depressing.

I notice that the posters who disagreed with my analysis above chose to abuse my character in response, rather than take issue with my version of events (simply a commentry of the Guardian’s own video).

I will take that as a grudging acceptance that I am right on the matter.

Some of the idiocy on this thread beggers belief. Some fool actually criticised the Police for being scared and excitable after a day of being pelted with missiles and chemicals by an army of aggressive scum, who were intent on violence from the word go.

Many other countries would have dealt with that riot by breaking out the tanks and machine guns, and yet the feeble minded contributors here bleat about kettling and a wee push in the back.

Imagine you went down the shops after work today, and someone was in your face, not allowing you to move freely, ignoring requests to let you past etc – what would you do? You might eventually lose your temper and give the person a shove. Its not right, but understandable. And all the more understandable after having fought a medieval type battle against the far left mob polluting the streets and causing violence that day,

The British Police are the best in the world. Go live in Burma or something, see how you like their Police – you would come crawling back singing the praises of our bobbies.
gabriel100

Yeah, if you hate the British police so much, why don’t you fuck off and live somewhere much worse – for example, somewhere where the police might clobber you from behind after they catch you walking down the street the wrong way? And then try living somewhere they lie about what happened until a hedge fund manager with a camera phone shows them up for the cunts they always have been. And then when you’re done living there, why don’t you try living somewhere it’s easier to get to the shops.

Honestly, we used to be a nation of shopkeepers. Now you can’t even get a packet of Rich Tea without being harrassed on the high street by a false analogy.

Wow, and just let me say that I’m glad I got through this without resorting to abusing gabriel100‘s character! It’d be a terrible world where I didn’t spend my time arguing the toss with a half-blind, sociopathic semen stain with the social awareness of a sackful of monkey abortions.

Although it looks more like a hilarious tear-soaked pillow of hubris since his invitation was rescinded, Nick Griffin’s call for things to ask the Queen at yesterday’s garden party is, in fact, a bucket of curdled pomposity. If you manage to put your hand in there without being sick, you’ll be rewarded with a fistful of semi-congealed racist throat slime.

Here’s what Chris pulled out…

Your Majesty, we have met before, remember me?…. I am the lion that stands on your crown, I am the Dragon that is the spirit of your nation, I am the sword that rose from the lake and was given to Arthur, I am the blood that runs through your nation’s veins, I am the breath that your nation breathes, I am the morning mist on the downs, I am the heather on the moors, I am the sun that shines on the Dales, I am the mountains of caledonia and Cymry, I am the white cliffs of Albion, I am the beat of the Morris man’s bells, I am the sound of the pipes over the hills, I am the snow that falls on the meadows. I am the soldier who fought for you, and you father, and your father’s father, and his, I am the Gesith that stood on Senlac field, I am the wise old man you met when you were young, I am the young man your great grandchildren will meet, I am the ghost of the past, and I am the future…. Remember me now?… Your Majesty?
Sigbrit

Sigbrit, we have met before, remember?…. I am the rapidly descending silence every time you walk into a room, I am the pretty Somali girls who laughed at you on the bus, I am the modern world that makes you shit your silly pants in fear and confusion, I am the weird smell of rotting dog food that you leave behind when you do, I am your parochial bafflement at exotic foodstuffs such as ‘sizzling beef in black bean sauce’, I am the look of disappointment glued permanently to your mother’s face, I am your grandchildren’s crippling embarrassment, I am the ghost of your past failures, and I am your dismal future…. Remember me now?… Sigbrit?

What’s more depressing than the Daily Mail? The Daily Mail taking the moral high ground from the BBC, that’s what.

When commentator David Mercer said something during the Wimbledon coverage about some supposed “puppy fat” on this year’s paedo’s choice Laura Robson, the Mail called him out on it. With a straight face and everything. Literally tens of people rushed to voice the same two opinions (bad Mercer/good Mercer), and Jo brought this silly prick to our attention.

Sorry but I completely AGREE with Mercer’s comments.
ALOT of the female tennis players now are carrying TOO MUCH weight! You cannot say its “puppy fat” thats an old wives tale!
I can never recall Chris Evert, Billie Jean King or Martina Navratilova carrying a spare tyre of fat around their middle??
The men done have spare tyres do they?
Sorry but the girls are not fit – hence all these little screams when hitting the ball etc…..
Samantha Jane, East Sussex

Samantha artfully tops and tails this dripping pisstowel of unpleasantness with two shining examples of the arsehole’s apology. It’s the apology that isn’t an apology, the brother of ‘not being funny, right’. What it means is: “I deeply regret doing or saying what I’m about to do or say, but not enough to actually refrain from doing or saying it. I’m basically a complete failure of a human being with an overinflated sense of entitlement; nonetheless, I shall deign to consider your pathetic feelings by prefixing the following cuntery with the word ‘sorry’, then you can all go, ‘that Samantha is harsh but unfailingly correct. And I tell you what, she’s certainly magnanimous in victory. I wish I could be more like her, rather than considerate and well-liked’.”

So female pro-tennis players: consider yourselves told, right? Fucking screaming barrels.

Should the drink-drive limit be cut?

Absolutely. Anyone who drives should give up drinking, after all its ok to tell smokers to give up so no problem there. Oh no, wait, what’s that I hear? The roar of double standards approaching……..
Richard

I’ve got a mental image of a noisy lion called “Double Standards”. He’s well known for his roaring. He lives in a zoo with “Political Correctness” the zebra, a termite colony known as “The Silent Majority” and a lonely, overfed walrus called “Indigenous Cock Haemorrhage”.

UK has already the lowest drink driving ofences in Europe even though the limit is higher than all the other countries. However because in the other countries the limit is lower it just catches more people and they actually have a higher number of offences.

Can I smell revenue generator?
Infowars

“Revenue Generator” the stinky giraffe? Nah mate. That’s “Double Standards” you can smell. He’s approaching.

The Japanese Prime Minister has resigned over a broken electoral promise and the BBC has asked a load of people who’d never heard of him before whether they think he did the right thing. I’ve just spent an unhappy few minutes reading through the answers in an attempt to find one that didn’t contain the word “honour”. There weren’t any. It got slightly more bearable and entertaining when I started imagining them all saying the word “honourable” in a piss-take Japanese accent. Here, try it.

Mr. Hatoyama is obviously a very decent and honourable man. By tradition Japanese culture encourages this type of behaviour. In the UK however [... goes on for some time ...]
warriorsottovoce

See?

If his resignation is over breaking an election pledge & simply that then he is a man of honour.
ian cheese

Nice one Ian! Apparently he was extremely worried about bringing shame to his famiry and had even contemprated suicide before he saw your comment. He asked me to tell you that he’s feeling “a rot better now”.

Scene: baseball game, Philadelphia. Seventeen year old runs on pitch for a larf, gives fat copper the runaround. Fat copper can’t catch seventeen year old, so pulls out a Taser and zaps the little bastard. Hilarity all round, except for the minor having a spasm about on the floor.

Knobhead on the Times applauds, loses thirty years from memory:

This is the sort of hardline approach to policing that wee need to adopt in the UK. Another example is the Times Square bomber – he’s been charged already. In the UK the police would still be gathering evidence! I live in Belfast, and if a US style police force was implemented here – the dissident paramilitaries would be a thing of the past.
Adam Leslie

Even better, send the troops in. That’ll show ‘em.

Tom Taylor-Duxbury is a giant twat regularly found all over the internet’s varied public repositories of utter shit and swivel-eyed lunacy.

Here he is on Times Online talking about some volcano somewhere in Iceland. Notice how his sardonic wit seamlessly combines unrelated events that happened in the same country into a weak suggestion that Iceland is the leading cause of the world’s problems, and how he does that because he’s a prick.

More fallout from Iceland?

Now can we have some data on global cooling (SO2 & dust) and CO2 from volcanoes please, much more impact than the plane flights I’d wager.
Tom Taylor-Duxbury

Absolutely. That’s what scientists do for half their time, now that global warming has been proven to be the goldmine of a conspiracy everyone knew it was – they sit around reading comments on the internet, waiting for you to tell them what to do. Of course, the other half of the working day they’re sitting on solid gold dildos wanking onto £50 notes, so they can’t dedicate all their time to tending to your partially digested brain farts.

Oh, wait! Excuse my sarcasm, Tom, because I just had word from a leading climatologist who does eagerly read comments on news articles looking for pearls of wisdom. Apparently, after brilliance just like yours put him out of a job throwing hockey sticks into volcanoes to make the planet heat up a bit faster, he’s a bit light on stuff to do. He assures me he’ll get right on it, because he doesn’t think anything like that has ever been studied before, ever. Because you came up with the idea, can you spare time for a double-blind study?

In case you didn’t know, that’s the kind where you get beaten around the head until both your retinas detach by someone who subscribed to the new Times website and paid £30 for the privilege of reading your shit.

Wabsnasm has kindly brought to our attention one ian cheese. I’ve been scrubbing myself raw ever since dipping into his bubbling pool of psychorrhea, but the stink will taint my nostrils until I die.

Do aliens really exist?

In order to answer this question correctly we need to know : a) the definition of existence: b) the definition of what we understand by the term ‘reality; c)are we also a form of aliens? &, if we are, to whom/what?
ian cheese

In order to answer your question correctly, cheese, I need to know: a) whether the philosophy A-level has got you laid yet; b) how many great western thinkers actually did also spend six desperate, fruitless years as car park attendants; c) do you want nuggets or fish fingers for tea? Your mum told me to ask you.

Now, I already know the answers to be: a) no; b) none; c) DON’T COME IN, MUM! DON’T COME IN! Therefore, I can tell you that: a) woah, you’ve blown all our minds, man; b) no, really, we’re proper impressed and that, mate, well done; c) she knows perfectly well what you’re up to in there.

Should politicians focus on family policies?

There should be a test for couples whether they can bring up children in a civlilsed & responsible manner i.e. to the Manor born.
ian cheese

And here’s another idea: passing the test could also win them the right to be shipped off to a Middle England utopia situated on an abandoned North Sea oil rig where they won’t bore the rest of us with their dull, heterocentric ‘family values’ i.e. Butterflies.

Prime Ministerial debate: Your reaction

Point really is: we all have to die, when we do, which should be the last image we have to put up with from these three contestants given a choice &, hopefully, none.
ian cheese

Shit, I didn’t realise we were voting for the last thing we’re ever going to see. I wonder if God blowing bubbles in pasties, sitting astride a donkey with human skin is standing in my constituency…