spEak You’re bRanes

Thanks to Joe and Jonny and possibly other people for this first one. From the thread about the “Heinz Gay Kiss“.

I also did a double take when I saw this advert. Having grown up in the era where homosexuality is regularly shown on screen even I thought this was a step too far. It is not only unnecessary and confusing for young children, but also serves to emasculate the man even further. He is essentially ordered to kiss the “Deli Chef” which he does full on the lips. This emasculation of the male character within household adverts is insidious with many adverts of today, now showing men being bullied into homosexual acts in their own kitchens is taking it to a new extreme.
Andy, Stourbridge

I can’t imagine anything more extreme. Unless it involved erect cocks, arseholes, tongues, strawberries and a man wearing nothing but socks, tied to the radiator, with someone else’s ballsack in his mouth.

I found these in the same thread:

A cynical publicity stunt by Heinz. I hope their shock tactics fail miserably. Heinz have offended both homosexual militants and normal people, albeit for opposite reasons. Now everyone can boycott Heinz to protest at their inconsiderate behaviour.
Andy, London

I wonder whether Andy classes himself as a “homosexual militant” or a “normal”?

The real question is - “Is homosexuality legally acceptable as a lifestyle in Britain?” If the answer is no then ban away. If the answer is yes, then you are submitting the censorship laws to the often biased/bigoted views of the non-homosexual majority. The larger question might be: “Should we fully inform children that there are both heterosexual and homosexual alternatives and let them see role models and examples of each in the media?” If we are not going to inform them thus, aren’t we simply saying that heterosexuality is the default position - heterosexuality is the only OK form of sexuality to show to children? Is not this a meta-prejudice demonstrating that all other alternatives are inferior, subordinate and morally suspicious?
Nigel McBain, Kingston upon Thames, England

Cheers Nigel. It’s good to see someone standing up and saying… um.. whatever you said. You are teh intellechule uber-librul.

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this next one before. Someone’s probably sent it to me already. Sorry, I forget everything.

I was appalled at the advert. Having young children calling a man “mum” was sad, confusing, and so very wrong. Seeing same sex kissing is stomach-churning to most people who are not homosexual. Please keep adverts to appeal to the majority. I feel this was possibly deliberate to get discussion going and to brain wash people into eventually seeing these things as normal. What a sad reflection on life today.
Joan Bailie, Grimsby, Lincs, UK

It’s all part of the Heinz agenda to turn our kids gay. Everyone knows gayz buyz beanz.

Give thanks for the latest installment. I’m still sat on a pile of these. Quality.

RADIO 2
“Why is the BBC using Fahrenheit instead of Celsius? It is political propaganda in my opinion.”

“In this country legislation forbids the use of meters for distance. The use of the word ‘meters’ on the programme during the coverage of the earthquake in China really irritates me as a result.”

Shhhh. We’re lulling them into a false sense of security. Then Sebastian Coe is going to win the Olympics by running 400 yards instead of 400 meters. He’ll be wearing union-jack knickerbockers and an admiral’s hat.

RADIO 4
“There was very childish humour on the programme. All the talk of bums and tits was not funny and encourages bad language in children.”

It’s the only thing that makes “Go For It!” bearable.

NEWS AT 10
Re. Chinese Earthquake: “The BBC News is focusing on Schools. If an earthquake hits any part of Britain. We would have calamity on an enormous scale. Why are the BBC focusing on Schools. There are other public buildings that have been badly affected as well.”

Too right. Let’s get the library up and running first, or the kids will have nowhere to borrow books from when we’ve dug them out from under 5 meters of collapsed concrete.

THE ONE SHOW
“Neil Oliver said that potatoes used to cost a farthing a stone but I think it was actually one and four pence a stone.”

I’m pretty sure it was one and five pence. We can’t ALL be right.

READY STEADY COOK
Feels that Ainsley Harriott is a poor presenter. “His personal hygiene is disgusting. He never washes his hands before preparing food and has no consideration for the people who are eating his dishes.”

You’ve achieved something that I thought was impossible and made me want to defend that gurning nincompoop.

Thanks to Karin.

Low energy bulbs do not, in any case, save as much energy as claimed. This is because unlike conventional bulbs they produce very little heat. Therefore in a house using low energy bulbs the central heating system will have to work harder to make up the difference. Thus assuming one’s central heating system is on for 6 months per year, the actual energy saving is only half what is claimed. Ask any physicist.
Tim Beechey-Newman, Reading

I went one better. I did the calculations myself and then designed you an energy-efficient home that’ll have those environMENTALists eating their words.

Thanks to Mike for pointing me at this thread over at MEN. It’s a very brief article about Hugh thingamajig who was trying to get Tesco to be nice to chickens. This is a bit like asking a handbag full of icecream to give a lecture on the role of neurotrophic factors in the growth of motor neurons. Even if it was willing, it’s just not equipped to pull it off.

The comments thread seems to have turned into a competition to see who can say the stupidest thing.

And who is going to pay for the difference in price?
alvinlwh

Indeed. Ever since the Universal Declaration of Human Rights we have all been entitled to lumps of vaguely-chicken-like white stuff for under £1 and we’re not about to give that up.

The housewife has a choice either a chicken for Sunday lunch or mash and sausages. It don’t take rocket science to know which one.
S P In exile, Tameside

So how DO you decide without a rocket scientist on hand??

Well i’m NOT gonna change;with the rising cost of food cheap chicken(and not how it was fed/killed/ slaughtered/prepared etc because I DON’T CARE AS DON’T MANY PEOPLE ON BUDGETS)is the ONLY OPTION FOR ME AND I DON’T CARE EITHER.
Anthony, Accrington,Lancashire

I’m all in favour of people like Anthony. As the oil runs out and meat prices continue to soar, idiots like him are going to be fighting over nuggets of tasteless reformed chicken-scrapings, leaving the last few tasty cow arses for the rest of us to gnaw on.

It’s only a chicken for god’s sake who cares how it lived its life?
Not me for sure
We are higher up the evolutionary ladder so we can kill and eat meat, it just a fact of life
Tezza, Tyldesley

Be careful what you wish for.

I used to think that, for every debate, ignorant HYSers would decide whether to post a disgusting and ignorant opinion, or to make sure everyone knew that they had absolutely no interest or opinion at all. Congratulations to Peter Allen. He manages to have no opinion and still be a prick.

Are my clothes ethically made?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

Peter Allen

Complaints log again. Thanks!

RADIO 4 - FRONT ROW
“It was disgusting that someone said ’show me yours and I’ll show you mine’, during the programme.”

I bet you had yours out before you remembered that, even if Mark Lawson kept up his half of the bargain, you still wouldn’t be able to see it.

RADIO 4 - AFTERNOON PLAY: BEIJING’S SLOWEST ELEVATOR
“I was unhappy that the play featured China. I believe the Chinese eat dogs and cats and skin them alive for their fur and so the play shouldn’t have mentioned the country for this reason.”

Perhaps, if you close your eyes and rip a few pages out of your atlas, a billion Chinese people will wink out of existence.

RADIO 4 - IN OUR TIME
“I think the presenter should not break the programme into small segments.”

Maybe you could make your own program with NO GAPS AT ALL! Start right now! We’ll tell you when you can stop.

NEWS GENERAL
“I believe the BBC is biased when it comes to reporting on Zimbabwe. Robert Mugabe is constantly attacked, but I believe the BBC is trying to undermine him because of its out of date, colonial attitude.”

RIGHT ON! Let’s march on Broadcasting House!

COLDPLAY AT THE BBC
“I am very annoyed that this concert was funded by the BBC licence fee. It seemed that the main beneficiaries were the BBC staff who were watching from the balcony.”

You’re not the only person with a telly you know. Millions of us really enjoyed it. While you and the poor fuckers on the balcony were listening to their excruciatingly twee GCSE music coursework, we were all in the pub.

WEATHER GENERAL
“I have noticed that parts of Warwickshire are not even covered by the weather map used on the programme. I live in Rugby, and it is nowhere to be seen.”

RADIO 4 - THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
“The programme seemed to advocate homosexual marriage, which many millions would find repellent. I find it comparable to being thumped in the face by a fascist.”

That’s great news for millions of unmarried homosexuals who’d like to thump you in the face.

Thanks to Thomas for this one from an Evening Standard article about police violence at an anti-Bush protest in London.

The Police are wonderful, fair-minded and decent.
Unsubstantiated retarded comments from anti-establishment proletariat pseudo-Marxists and Anarchists will not sway the minds of decent law-abiding people in this country.
The frustration of the ‘demonstrators’ is only greater because the Police did such an effective job at keeping the low-life at bay. Bring on Police power. Subdue the Anarchists!
Tangomike, Kensington, London

Awww. If I’d known there was an Anti-Establishment Proletariat Pseudo-Marxists and Anarchists rally I’d have gone down. As it was I ended up at a Crypto-Communist Envirofacist Morris Dancing Festival. Heavy police presence as usual. BURN DOWN BABYLON.

Complaints log again. Thanks once again.

RADIO 4 - PM
Re. Item on shortage of public toilets: “It annoys me that lavatories are often called ‘toilets’ on the BBC. I really don’t understand this.”

Whatever next?! Negroes presenting the news??!!?

BBC NEWS CHANNEL
“It seems common place on the BBC that if someone is talking in a foreign language they use a voiceover. When they do this we don’t really know if what the voiceover is saying is true.”

Good point. At the end of the piece, they should get the foreign speaker to confirm, via the translator, that the translation was ok.

BBC NEWS GENERAL
Re. Knife attacks: “I would like to see the BBC comparing the danger of violent attacks for young people living in the UK with the dangers of being a soldier in Afghanistan or Iraq. I suspect it might be more dangerous to live in the UK than to be in combat in these warzones.”

If you like warzones so much…

COAST
“Neil Oliver has to be got rid of. He is revolting.”

I don’t know who Neil Oliver is but there’s every chance you’re right.

EASTENDERS
Feels that the programme contains too much violence. “It doesn’t make for wholesome family viewing. I would like to see more comedy in the script.”

And maybe finish off with a musical number every week.

FRIDAY NIGHT WITH JONATHAN ROSS
Feels that the programme is of a poor quality. “I want a reduction on my licence as I never watch this programme.”

I’m not sure how many people work there answering the phones but I think you bunch of pointless, whinnying fartshowers should have to pay at least twice as much as the rest of us who settle for throwing our shoes at the telly.

SCHEDULING GENERAL
“The APPRENTICE: THE FINAL FIVE programme was due to start at 22:45. The time is now 46 minutes past.”

It’s just more EU and government propaganda. They’re trying to provoke rioting.

What’s the point in commenting?

Probability is, you people won’t bother to process the comments.

You accept comments and then bin them on a whim without publishing them.

Such is HYS.

Go to hell.

Colin, London

The trouble, Colin, with writing a post bemoaning the fact that it will never be published is that when you’re right, no one will ever know but when you’re wrong… Well, you just end up looking like a cock.

Thanks to Bob.

The EU is the corrupt organisation, attracting failed politicians, which disrespects and misrepresents the world’s most civilized people. It is my love of Europeans, and Europe itself, which makes me vote AGAINST the EU.
As the world begins naturally separating into its orginal nationhoods, the EU now provides the cause of future conflict, by stealing our democratic ways and bucking the trend.
Can someone please tell me the difference between the (failed) Soviet Union and the European Union?
Damo Altozanero

No idea mate. I’m still trying to work out the difference between “Coronation Street” and “Coronation Chicken”.