spEak You're bRanes

Someone’s dead.

Who?

Dave Perry, Pembroke, where sanity rules in a world that is cross wired

You wouldn’t have heard of him anyway. But maybe if you’re lucky you’ll run into one of the moderators at a bus stop in Pembroke-where-sanity-rules-in-a-world-that-is-cross-wired and they’ll be able to explain it to you.

JD who?

Dick Barton, Somewhere on page 165 just after the debate’s closed. Marxist censorship from the BBC., United Kingdom

Here’s a tip: If your paranoid, whiny, self-obsessed signature is several times longer than anything you have to say, don’t expect the mods will rush to share your brilliantly insightful location with the world every time.

I found Davidethics, the most pompously petulant bumgrape I’ve seen for quite a while. David is quite sure that he is very, very clever.

First off, I’ve collected a few of his “moderation martyr” sign-offs. He not only believes that HYS is important enough that people are trying to censor it to stop the truth getting out but that he, in particular, is one of the brave voices of dissent that they are so desperate to silence. This kind of tinpot mentalism is the essence of all the good comments. Sure, there’s endless stupidity and racism on there, but it’s the ones that really believe HYS is important that make us giggle. This is just the tip of the iceberg:

And I wish I could speak my mind on HYS on this important matter. It is like the 1930s.
So go on. Reject this.

OK. Now reject this.

For goodness sake – you cannot reject this comment.

Dear moderators – ask your bosses if they will allow you to publish this note mentioning the dolphin cull: it is an envrionmental matter.

I guess this comment will not get past the moderators. But I don’t care

Are we allowed to criticise developers on HYS? Maybe just put this comment at the end of the moderation queue eh.

Moderators have no fear I make no comment on religion; your relativism is safe.

I expect David wrote to “Jim’ll Fix It” every fucking week and only a BBC/Soviet plot prevented him from getting to meet Sebastian Coe. And don’t get him started on the national fucking lottery. Stands to reason he should have won by now if it wasn’t rigged.

I came from a poor area but went to a grammar school where the teachers laughed at our working class accents. We were taught how Britain ruled the world and how the empire would last forever, that black children were piccanninies, and that we were heading for a new ice age. We were told that everything to do with America was common and brash, and that science was for boys and literature for girls. I truanted until I was old enough to be expelled. Took A levels part time, got a first and a Phd.
[Davidethics]

You’re probably beginning to get a sense of just how clever he is and I expect you are now keen to see this great public intellectual enter the theatre of HYS debate, illuminating truth and laying waste to myth. A bit like Gandalf at the battle of Helm’s Deep.

I disagree with capital punishment. But taking the cultural relativist position which is dominant in the UK – and here on HYS -the Chinese were absolutely right to execute him, for whatever reason and for whatever standard of proof is relative to their culture.
It is pointless for politicians and the media to complain. If multiculturalism is acceptable then anyone can do what they like -anywhere – with our citizens.
Meanwhile – some of us believe in universal values.But not on BBC forums.
[Davidethics]

Woah David, slow down fella! Multiculturalism? Cultural relativisim? Universal values? This is heady stuff. But you can’t just go chucking all that shit in and expect us all to understand. Perhaps you need to go back a few steps and explain? If we’re to reject this cultural relativism thingy and work towards a set of universal values, at last uniting the planet in justice and peace, how should we go about it?

As the war on terror is likely to continue for many years we should take a long term view. Look into the possible introduction of separate air transport for certain groups of people, as identified by their passports. To save naming any ethnic group let us, for example, have separate air transport for the people of Wonderland whose deity is the Wizard.. They could have wonderland pilots too, and have wonderland insurance rates.And the rest of us would not require such stringnent controls.
[Davidethics]

Gotcha. We need to ban Pakis.

The beeb has rolled out its new Democracy Live service. Correctly realising that the problem with politics is there’s too much bullshit to listen to, it lets you search inside videos for things that were said in parliament. It’s brilliant, both technically and because never again will politicians be able to whinge that no-one listens to what gets said in the House. So wouldn’t it be ironic if someone completely ignored the topic of the post to whinge about how no-one ever listens to him?

I would like to know why moderators at the BBC often reject my comments, even though there is nothing Racial, sexual or otherwise offensive, save that that some left wing moderator doesnt like what I am saying.

So here goes. Why is it no-one will talk about unchecked immigration or the chance of the people of this country being given a vote to leave the EU, as we were decietfully lied to by both labour and Conservatives back in the 70’s.? "Oh, its just a trade thing!". Yeah, ok, look where it has got us now.

£15Bn a year worse off, not inc oncosts to business's, and meddlesome Eurocrats. Now they are wanting a president. Euro-realists predicted this over 10 years ago and no-one listened. Are they listening now?
Emzdad

Yes, why will no-one talk about these things? Why isn’t there a huge festering dunny full of comments about this, complete with an ecosystem of great big arses delivering shit, flies buzzing around surveying the shit and dung beetles proud of all the shit they’ve rolled up and sat on? Why, if Emzdad ever found such a place he’d find it so exciting he’d probably do a little poo.

Also I’m putting him in the Racists category because anyone who has to insist their comments aren’t racist probably definitely is.

Thanks to Colin. John from Bristol was the first man to pioneer the 3G phone, the first customer to review one, the first person to get a ten-letter word on Countdown and, most of all, first to comment on shill reviews. Shill reviews, apparently, are when a company or organisation deliberately skews online reviews or rating systems in favour of its own ideas or products. I can’t for the life of me understand why that might interest HYSers.

I glimpsed first-hand what a bad review might do when I was one of the first to buy a 3G phone, a few years ago. Very disappointed with it, I wrote an honest review on a website and a week later saw that 2000 people had viewed it. Assuming a large portion of those would-be customers would not have bought that phone afterward, I estimate that one review carried a potential loss of revenue upward of £180,000 – from one disgruntled customer. Power to the people!
John, Bristol

I am posting from the top-secret underground hideout I share with Salman Rushdie and the Scarlet Pimpernel, as John from Bristol is forever googling himself and I could have made a very powerful enemy.

I looked a bit further down and found this:

What this article doesn’t mention is the editorial process of moderated reviews and comments and how the bias of an organisation can be pushed through the selection of favourable comments. When comments are pre-moderated how are users to be sure of the unbiasedness of the site’s editors?

The_Reveller, London

I’m not sure what you’re saying The_Reveller. Is it something to do with Muslims?

Nick Griffin: Idiot, racist, hypocrite, idiot, Holocaust denier, drama queen, idiot. Can anyone beat that for stupidity?

How come the PC brigade keep getting away with calling Nick Griffin an idiot. Can you imagine what would happen if we dared call them idiots here, yep it wouldn’t get published
John, Salford

Best not bother then. Typical PC Mail.

Thanks to my namesake Alexander. Should prisoners have the right to vote?

I would say NO, they shouldn’t have the vote,but does it matter what I say or think, The European Court of Human Rights doesn’t care about my views otherwise they wouldn’t come out with this sort of ridiculous ruling

kevin ball, Plymouth- rejected by the mods for no reason, United Kingdom

It’s tragic really. Your opinions are so important and unambiguously expressed, the European Court of Human Rights would surely bow immediately to them if it only knew who you were, and then think what a beautiful place the world could be. But don’t go blaming the PC brigade or any of that nonsense. It’s just because you’ve not made a name for yourself. You should collect a cardboard box full of baby squirrels, set it on fire, and film yourself having boisterous sex with it while singing Barry White hits in a high-pitched squeaky voice. Then dress up as Bootsy Collins, turn yourself in to the police, and appeal your sentence all the way to Strasbourg. I guarantee they won’t ignore you after that.

Thanks to Phil for spotting Keith, who has nothing to say but has found a creatively stupid way to say it.

How should we tackle terrorism?

We’ve gotta stand up, we’ve gotta be strong
We’ve gotta hold our nerve until the job is done
And they’ve made a killing,
They don’t care about the blood that they’re spilling

9/11, 9/11, what went down with building 7?
Ever since that fateful day
our civil rights have disappeared
A global fascist state draws near
and our freedom slips away
And they don’t give a stuff
They’ve made that clear enough
So now it’s up to us to bring ‘em down

keith, bournemouth

The formatting got a bit mangled when he posted to HYS but I think I’ve recovered the original intent. I mean, I chopped it up randomly, the same way it was assembled.

In case it’s not clear what keith is getting at, he’s referring to the popular theory that a conspiracy of powerful shadowy government agents staged the 9/11 attacks in order to erode our civil liberties so that a shadowy cabal of businessmen can take over the world. Presumably because they’re tired of having to pay lobbyists to bribe politicans to run the world for them.

Found this one on the “G20″ thread. At first it seems a cut above your standard HYS brainsquawk. In fact, it seems pretty rational, like it was written by a normal, but watch out for the modulation around “I will rant” where it shifts suddenly into the key of shitflap minor.

They will do nothing of substance. All of their leaderships have been damaged beyond repair. None of us can believe that none of them saw this coming. And even now, they refuse to realise that greed is out of fashion, or that they have run out of trust. One rule for them, another for us. And yes, I will rant. Just like the BBC, it’s ok for a radio 4 presenter to say today, that Gordon Brown is probably sticking pins in an effigy of Mervyn King, but I say it, and my comment is rejected.
Carol Lunn

Things are starting to look up. Carol Lunn obviously believes that “The BBC” is a small group of people who sit around discussing Carol Lunn. They probably share an office with the Bank of England, the unions, the National Lottery, Greenpeace, Google Maps and Gordon Brown.

Curiosity got the better of me at this point and I clicked through to see what fresh whinnets I could gingerly harvest from Carol’s claggy RSS feed. With my nail scissors, I clipped away a few of the less appetising nuggets until I came upon the chewy gem below. I’m speaking metaphorically of course (I think it’s the extra hour of sunlight doing stuff to my hormones). What I mean is that I scanned through a few hundred words of some bint whining on a web page and found this comment about “broken hearts” or something. This is one for the connoisseurs out there. It’s got fruity layers and is stuffed with petulance and pomposity. It’s been rolled in arrogance before being dusted with self-pity. Not the everyday arrogance and self-pity you’ve been forced to use to save money during the credit crunch, dear me no. This is the good shit. The really expensive stuff where you don’t merely think you’re better than everyone else or suffering worse than everyone else but actually fail to comprehend that there is anyone else.

My heart is broken when I see that the rules governing this site halt a bit of fun; just how politically controlled are you? a jest about chucking darts at a picture of someone who has wronged you? Has my comment rejected? Get real; maybe it is you who are plitical correctness gone mad. I shall now remove my comments to a different site, as I’ve noticed that anything which doesn’t comply with current political speak is rejected. Fainthearts; not in the English tradition.
Carol Lunn

Are you hearing this BBC? ARE YOU? I expect your apology before sunset today. If I do not receive it you shall face me in a duel at dawn! Fie! Blaggard!

Somebody fetch my horse. And a sandwich.

Thanks to Fay for finding Ian Jempson, despite attempts to silence him. Probably because he’s a “racist”:

i think you will find we are all Mixed race if you look at the gene pool from every person in the world , however religion and politics would stop me from ecouraging it, i’m english and like english things , i dont like africa as they are always fighting and for this reason alone would not want to have an african wife to produce a mixed race child.

ian jempson, Revoloutionsville

I had an African wife once. Said she was from Bournemouth, but you know how you can’t trust them. Anyway, African she was, always on the genocide. Couldn’t stop herself. Terrible show. Mind you it’s the kids I feel sorry for. Our youngest could never decide between Brideshead Revisited and mutilating his womenfolk with a machete. Poor wee mite.

Incidentally, try imagining that post in the voice of a child. It’s adorable.

Instead of a database containing our private movements , perhaps a more effective border police force , proper imigration checks coupled with really harsh hard punishments from the courts like hanging for planting bombs would stem the flood of crime ! Lets face it we are the dumping ground for the european criminals they are here all ready

ian jempson, Revoloutionsville

So what you’re saying is, we need to secure our borders to keep out the foreign criminals we’re already full of, and that the threat of death will deter bombers like the ones on 9/11 and 7/7?

Community service is flawed somewhat , i was assaulted by a person whilst being sat in a bar talking with friends , the attack was completely unprovoked he just walked up to me and punched me in the face, this was observed by a police officer in plain clothes who arrested the assailant , it came out in court this guy had previous for violence , firearms , burglary , He ended up being found guilty , his sentence was 200 hours community service !! Surely a prison sentence should have been given.

ian jempson, Revoloutionsville

Or a royal pardon and a packet of biscuits.

We all know the truth , Gordon Brown is as guilty as anybody in a bank for the crisis were all in now , and yes i think that jeremy clarksons remark calling mr Brown an “idiot ” was bang on . Ill be amazed if the Pro labour anti free speech agents let this post through !! The bias on here is amazing.

ian jempson, Revoloutionsville

I have to say, I’m getting really tired of making jokes about Moderation Martyrs. Blah blah you must be so oppressed, poor whitey maley heterosexualley abley-bodiedey non-Muslimey little Englishman blah blah. It’s all because of fuck knows what conspiratorial progressive liberal ideology-cum-reactionary set of religious beliefs yadda yadda JUST FUCKING LOOK AT THE THREADS. Read the most recommended comments, and thank the bounty of Not-Allah that the people whose job it is to keep BBC Have Your Say left-leaning are only working a demeaning, low-level online-media job and not keeping a nuclear power station from exploding.

Thanks to Mike for this directionless spurt of paranoia.

Actually it really is scary, it’s not a case of “if we go on like this it’ll be 1984″ it’s here already! People in trouble for insulting our “beloved” leader (remember Splitting Image? Those days of freedom are long gone!)
Infact I’ll probably get arrested for this posting (sorry, I mean i’ll get a visit from social services, maybe they’ll take my children away?). Uh oh, I think I hear the thought police knocking on the door…. BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU
Bianca Rowan, London, United Kingdom

Don’t worry Bianca. The Thought Police can’t get you if you don’t have any thoughts.