spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Sophia. Some shite from the Mail again.

Vanessa Redgraves grossly exaggerated curtsy was hilarious last night.
Is this the republican revolutionary of old?
She is also looking and sounding a bit doddery.
However she has lost a daughter this last year and she must be suffering inside.
That will have had a huge effect on her.
- Jennifer, Yorkshire

Nah, it’s probably just wind. Wind and Communism. Fucks me up on chilly days too.

Thanks to Generalist for this. Oh look, Jon Venables did a drawing when he was ten that isn’t of fairies and ponies like most boys’ drawings are. Quick, think of a comment that expresses how much you love all the precious kiddiwinks!

We should have hung them when they were ten. Killing children is wrong and should be punished by death.

Pritesh Hathalia, Leicester

Ideally the hangman should be eight years old so we can go after him next.

How far would you go to prevent a fuzzy outline of your genitals being one of hundreds seen every day by a bored security worker?

1 The Rapiscan is not an x-ray machine it uses “T” rays
2 No one scientifically or Medically qualified has done a study as to the effect of “T” rays on living human tissue.
3 Should I be refused permission to board my flight I will immediately strip totally naked in the security queue and show the staff and everyone that I am clean and have no impediments to boarding.
4) Having been seen naked and proved my innocence beyond doubt I will sue Manchester Airport and the British government for millions for denying me my absolute right to travel under admiralty law the highest law on the planet..

john marsh

Funnily enough I know John Marsh. I was behind him in the queue at Tesco the other day. Turns out, there’s been no study by anyone scientifically or Medically qualified on the effect of typing in your pin number to the little credit card machine. I won’t go into the details of what happened next, but suffice to say John is about to become a very rich man and it will be a while before I can bring myself to eat sausages again.

Saw an email joke recently, but it made sense. rather than scanning, have each individual traveler step into a giant bomb detonation device. If they don’t blow up, they can properly board. If they do blow up, hey, happy virgin time and we are safe

Richard king

Jesus, Richard, don’t tell us you got a joke that made sense and then keep it from us. You could have used the space where you had your exploding muslim fantasy wank to tell it.

And thanks to Louis for spotting this slightly disappointed pervert:

“but they also afford clear outlines of passengers’ genitals.” What genitals? Some women have breasts, big deal; the rest is on the inside. It’s like looking out the window: there’s nothing to see.

Phil E. Drifter

Phil, take a deep breath. Now look up and look for a green sign saying “EXIT.” Once you go through that door, you will no longer be in a modern art exhibit consisting of mannequins and empty window frames, and the world will make a lot more sense.

A man has been jailed for pushing a woman on railway tracks at Farningham Road Station just because she asked him to stop smoking. What a sad indictment of Broken Britain. These mindless thugs think they can get away with – wait, the bitch asked him to stop smoking? GIVE THAT MAN A MEDAL!

Thanks to Jo, who spotted these quotes at the time.

Good. It’s about time this Nazi behaviour induced by propaganda, lies, behavioural manipulation, poisoning and psychology…. was confronted head on and stopped now before this Government, and the one above it, lead the Lemmings over the Cliff… for a laugh! Wake Up! You are Programmed!

Rob O’Loughlin, Presteigne UK

And the only way to break that programming is to push innocent women onto live railway tracks. Damn that sinister illuminati for not wanting us to attempt murder on anyone who asks us to do things we don’t like. Don’t they know that Hitler lived by exactly the same principles?

I hope the two men never get caught, She is trying to help police society be enforcing fascist rules. The European Charter on Human Rights gives us the right to freedom of expression which smoke falls under. First the government deny us our rights with their tyrannical laws and now the people are trying to enforce them.

James Cochran, Bradford, England

It’s all about the Human Rights here. Infringe someone’s made-up right to smoke, and you’re subject to their equally made-up right to try and kill you. Similarly if an immigrant tries to deny you the freedom of expression to beat him with a stick, you can make up the right to beat him with a stick.

It’s like my grandma always said, “there’s a fine line between righteousness and self-righteousness.” Being a vigilante can lead to unpleasantness, so be sure you’re big enough to take the weight if you decide to go that way.

Azhid Madrors, California

Has anyone else seen the latest issue of Batman? It’s brilliant, first of all he uses his batarang to climb up to the 37th floor of an apartment building. Then he sneaks into the elevator shaft and waits until he hears someone flip open a zippo. Then he uses his bat-polite-voice to point out that the person’s in a shared lobby and there are no-smoking signs up. Of course, Batman was trained in tibetan martial arts so he can take that kind of risk. If you’re a woman you should probably just cower in a corner.

I can believe that people cannot see the effect that nonsensical rules and busybodies are having on the UK.
The argument started because of someone trying to enforce something that is clearly nonsensical and was allowed in this country for more than 178 years.

Farningham road station is not Oxford Circus, its in the middle of nowhere,
The risk to the railway system from someone smoking on an open platform in the middle of nowhere is zero. The platforms are made of non combustible materials and new trains manufactured to BS6853 are also impossible to burn with a cigarette.

If the smoking is offending someone they can move.

I am a non-smoker and I don´t condone what these guys have done, but there does need to be some defiance of the governments stupid rules by somebody.

Fred, Singapore

Bang on Fred. If you don’t like governments passing silly laws on what habits you can express in public, you can go somewhere nice and permissive like Singapore. Well I can’t because I work for Wrigley’s, but in principle, y’know?

As a white male, I’ve often thought, “why isn’t there more stuff for me?” You just have to walk around town – well, admittedly you have to walk quite a long way from the bit where I live, where all the curry restaurant owners have the good grace not to go outdoors in the daylight hours – to see signs proclaiming “Diwali” and “Eid” with no consideration whatsoever for the western English speaker who might not know what they are and therefore be offended by them. Similarly, as soon as you go out and buy a digital radio, scroll through the 40-odd inoffensive housewife music and sports commentary stations, and find the BBC Asian Network there, you’re assaulted by “bang-rah” music and people discussing issues that I could only care about if I wasn’t white. For now, at least.

There has NEVER been a good reason for ever having an Asian Network paid for by the TV licence payer.

An ‘Anglo Saxon’ radio station would never be tolerated, neither would a ‘White British’ channel be tolerated by the powers that be. And for goodness sake, even England doesn’t merit a radio channel of its own although Wales, Scotland and NI do! So why on earth the Asian community should be so specially treated is a mystery.

Or is it?

- Alan, Bewdley, Worcs

And you know, as a White British (not in Wales, Scotland or NI) myself I find his logic hard to escape. I can’t have a channel tailored to my interests – I mean, what kind of channel would show endless repeats of Top Gear and QI – so no-one should get a channel tailored to their interests. The BBC should identify the Average Licence Payer – Middle-Aged, About 5′ 7″, No Non-White Genes At All, Lives In Bewdley, Worcs – and make only television and radio for that person. But you can’t say that without a bunch of PC drones accusing you of being some kind of selfish white imperialist bastard.

Thanks to Emily. From the Mail. Don’t click on the link.

I HAVE NOT READ THIS ARTICLE…

Because why should I or anyone else care?

- Jo, Bournemouth, England

I went one better. Didn’t read the article, didn’t comment. Kicking myself I didn’t ignore Jo from Bournemouth as well.

Loren found the following response to some depressing gender bollocks for confused men…

This story is yet another example of feminists wanting to have their cake and eat it. On the one hand they demand a whole slew of institutional positive discrimination in their favour and to be treated as economic and political equals, but yet they still expect men to behave like they were in the 1950s in other respects. Sorry sisters – you can’t have it both ways. You have created a society in which an unwanted romantic gesture can literally be treated as a serious criminal offence. Having done that, you can hardly complain that any men with any sense are not prepared to take the risk.
abusedtaxpayer

Poor abusedtaxpayer. He was only trying to make his feelings known, now he’s on the Romantic Gesturers Register. Maybe just send her a card next year, eh? And just do writing on it. Nothing else.

Snow. Thanks to Chris…

I think spring is coming.
Christine, England with a parliament rotten at the core!

Yeearh, so’s summer an’ nex’ au’errnn too! Like all the silly skytv weather cat walk forecasters you’d be saying it’s winter ‘cos t’ weather’s turn’d cold an’ if temp above 12°C you’d be saying it’s summer, an’ if nex’ day it was rainin’ you’d say ee’ bai gum ole’ win’er’s back! Put a sock into it woman just because it snows in summer somewhere sometime one day doesn’t make it winter any more than cold weather in winter justifies the dolly girl cat walk weather forecasters telling us “wintry” weather is back. Very warm sunny weather in Feb may be described as “summer” weather but for crying out loud it’s still winter until third week in March !!!
Dennis, Geneva, Switzerland

If there’s one thing Dennis hates more than women, it’s erm… No, I’m not entirely sure. Northerners, maybe..?

I’m willing to bet he also hates conversation, other people enjoying themselves, and when the dolly girl cat walk woman in the house opposite remembers to close her curtains.

Thanks to Rebecca for finding this Times Online thing about a gun turning up at a college in Kingston.

why does the govt send these people to university they should be conscripted into chain gangs
ptere blake

An excellent suggestion but the government are unlikely to read it as they’re far too busy sending people to university.

Oh dear. And in another part of tol, it says crime has gone down massively!!! Oh no – it’s not a crime yet because a shot hasn’t been fired in this case.
joy B

You’re probably laughing at Joy right now and thinking that she’s very, very stupid indeed. Well, think again. People laughed at Melvyn Bragg when he invented quantum mechanics. Sometimes, things we take for granted and think we understand turn out to be unimaginably strange. All her life Joy has inhabited a strangely counterintuitive world where our everyday, predictable mathematics no longer applies. She can walk into a room with 1,000 people in it and, in a universe-bending twist of statistics, the average IQ will drop from 105 down to 7 or so.

Well done to the Police and the college for handling the incident. Why wasn’t he named and pictured? We don’t want to jump to conclusions as to his race: just give us the facts.
Martin P

Political correctness gone mad! By not publishing a photo of a black man called “Abdullah Tsangarai Mbimkulu”, they’re pretty much FORCING you to jump to racist conclusions all by yourself.

Here you go, I’ve drawn you a picture of a bad man from Africa. You’re not a racist now. The picture of the black man with the gun made you sad. That’s all.

We get occasional tips about The Register. If you don’t know it, think of it as being like Private Eye for the IT industry. There’s lots of worthy stuff about things that absolutely no-one could care about after the discovery of the opposite sex, but they sprinkle funny stuff around it to keep you reading.

Here’s a recent example. In brief, an Australian man has admitted to drunkenly inserting the line

DD Cup breasts, slim waist, tight twat

into the requirements of a job advertisement. He owned up to it and apologised, the ad was fixed and his boss decided to leave it at that, saying:

he got on the turps one night and it went from there. He fully understands what he has done and he’s very remorseful.

What a wonderful display of the Aussie sense of pragmatism. Wouldn’t you agree, intelligent IT professionals who like humour?

Sanity Prevails!
Good to see they saw the funny side.. And take the right attitude (nobody hurt, so it’s all good).. This, in the good ol’ days used to be called “Mischief.”. And mischief has always been seen as a great way to vent stresses and woes in a harmless way..

Yet here in the UK, this would probably have been enough to have the bloke locked away and on every database in sight, with a permanent Social Services tail to make sure he follows the party line.

Come back the days of sanity and mischief!

Juillen 1

He comes out of the traps well, straight into a nice patronising explanation of exactly what you just read in the story, but just as he’s getting into his stride whining about a situation that only exists in his head, he goes and balls it all up by ending short on a positive note. Can anyone take the ball and run with it?

Imagine if that happened in Britain
It’s nice to see this man’s boss didn’t take any action against him for posting that advert, or the Australian police didn’t arrest him, a government minister didn’t get involved, or random members of the public didn’t try to sue him for being sexist.

All of the above would no doubt take place if such a “mistake” was made in Britain.

Gary F

Gary F picks up the cross and involves both the government and the general public in a lovely little rhetorical shimmy, has a nice miserablist finish, but he just can’t put it away. Who’s in the box?

Brilliant!
no, not the planker who did it, the whole Aussie attitude!

“oops, sorry, I was pissed”. “OK, never mind, we understand”.

Compare that to what would happen here “oops sorry, I was pissed”. “Constable, add ‘using a computer while under the influence of drink or drugs’ to the charges of sexism, using offensive language in a pulic, erm, publication, and assaulting a police officer…” “But I haven’t assaul OWWWW!” “…and damaging a police table with his head. Sign this”. “What is OWWWWW!” “The sex offenders register”
Ian 54

AND HE’S DONE IT! An absolutely virtuoso display of misanthropy there from Ian 54. He’s on the end of Gary F’s lob, chesting it down with immediate disapproval of the “planker” in the story, and then dodges the defenders by showing a glimmer of appreciation for the Aussie attitude, but it’s all a feint! The approval’s only there so he can swivel on the eighteen-yard line and slam it home with a fever dream stitch-up straight from the depths of his imagination, with an assist from a decades-old episode of Not The Nine O’Clock News. What a dream goal’s come to him like a meteorite from a gift horse’s mouth. I mean, you literally could not make that up. Alan?