spEak You’re bRanes

I strongly encourage everyone to visit Bletchley Park because it’s the home of my heroes. Quiet, unassuming men like Alan Turing and Tommy Flowers who won the war for us with their wits and unstinting dedication. And then at the end of the war, they packed up the most advanced technology in the world and walked away, not to talk about it for another forty years for the good of King and Country. That’s dignity. Of course Alan Turing was a bender who never shot a jerry in his life, so what if you need a more accessible hero? Say someone who’s famous for appearing in shit adverts and bitching about the free food he shovels into his ungrateful offencehole? Thanks to Dan for finding the answer.

Mr Winner i coudn’t agree more - i am not very weathly but i will never holiday in this country, only a weekend break. Why would i want to go somewhere where the british public will be? this country has totally lost its charm. We do not understand service , the food is very poor , you will be look after !!! by a 17 year old boy or girl who really couldnt give a monkey’s if you being looked after either that or you will be served by someone who doesn’t even speak your language. It will 99% be raining so you will all ave to stay in the pub whilist every one gets drunk and of course the good old punch ups will kick off around 10pm, someone getting stabbed for good measure…….

I have just returned from Kefolonia in a little fishing village called Fiscardo, i will be going back there next year not Bognor (where that is) thanks very much.

- Charlie Fernihough, london, 31/7/2008 12:11

Dan says it best:

“The pitiful social pretension, the appalling grammar (accompanied by complaints about those who can’t speak English), the pathetic belief that it is “every one” who gets drunk and fights, and just not the fat arsed aggressive Daily Mail reading cunts who think that if they write a letter to Michael Winner they will be classy and on the telly, just like him, despite the fact that they can’t spell “Kefalonia” and apparently believe that they rowed the entirety of Fiskardo all the way back to Britain.

But to sum it all up:

What a cunt.”

Sorry Greece. Look on the bright side, when the sea level has risen enough to drown your homes at least Charlie Fernihaugh will have to find some other country to patronise.

Thanks to Sally.

From a Telegraph.co.uk article, “Dumpster diving with the freegans: Why pay for food?”.

Soon we will have dumpster wars with the Mafia taking over the prime sites and the foreign illegal immigrants controlling their pitch and having the cream de la cream and leaving only rotting garbage for the Brits to pick through
jock

You paint a truly terrifying picture of the inevitable future. By the way, who is it that’s throwing away all the food that’s in the dumpsters? Hybrid gypsy-foetuses? Gigantic metal muslim robo-clerics? Our new pterodactyl overlords?

I don’t know if anyone here’s a fan of the ‘Biased-BBC‘ blog, but I like to think of them as a specialist version of the HYS poster, only a little more sophisticated, a little more eloquent, a little more enraged and right-wing, and of course a shitload more credulous and paranoid. Anyway, they’ve published their own letter to the editor, by ANDREW MCCANN.

FOR THE ATTENTION OF THE BBC COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT

Has the American presidential election already reached its conclusion? I have to ask since the evaporation of coverage on the BBC news since the confirmation of Barack Obama as Democrat nominee has been noted by many. The British Broadcasting Corporation was quite happy to flood news bulletins with ‘Presidential’ campaign happenings during the ‘beauty’ contest between Clinton and Obama. However, now that the BBC might just have to turn its attention to a more balanced coverage of the campaign by including Republican candidate, John McCain (remember him?), it suddenly has lost all interest.

Oh, what a beauty contest the Democrat race proved to be: both candidates filled every ‘tick-box’ on the social profiling sheet of the average Guardianista. One was a woman; the other was black. ‘Whoopee’ cried the anti-Israeli, anti-American, tree hugging news teams at the BBC. What did it matter that a potential leader of the free world should have more suitably meritocratic attributes such as intelligence, political nous, first-hand experience of America’s military engagements, an appreciation of realpolitik, and integrity? The sum total of the BBC’s analysis was preoccupied with the gender of one and the ethnicity of the other. As for the Grand Old Party, they might as well have shuffled off stage-left. The BBC, like the other Left-leaning, liberal ‘luvvies’ which dominate the European media scene, want a Democrat in the White House. Why don’t you just be honest and admit it?

I like the way “every tick box” comes to two. Whatever happened to one-legged Muslim lesbians? And look at the end: the more enraged he gets, the more he alliterates.

I am a BBC licence payer (for my sins). I want to see a Republican returned to power in the United States. I certainly do not want to see someone whose paternal ancestry shares the same religion as the evil-doers who killed 3,000 people in New York City seven years ago: a man who is prepared to ‘combat’ the rise of evil terrorist Islamism by sitting down and having cosy little chats with some of its principal protagonists. When are my preferences going to be incorporated in the so-called impartial coverage your organisation is (dubiously) renowned for?

You missed a trick Andrew: not only does Obama’s paternal ancestry share the same religion as the evil-doers who killed 3,000 people in New York City seven years ago, but his surname is only one letter away from ‘Osama’ and his middle name is only one ‘Saddam’ away from SADDAM HUSSEIN! If you don’t put the effort in, they won’t give a shit for your “preferences”.

If and, as I expect, when John McCain is voted the 44th President of the United States will we be offered the sort of ethno-centric spite-laden coverage I expect? The sort which will feebly attempt to portray the American electorate as bunch of subliminal Alabamaesque red-necks who couldn’t bring themselves to vote for poor old Barack because he was black? I am prepared to bet money on it. For in the final analysis it is those of the Left who lionise on the basis of sociological labels, and it is those of us on the Right who prefer to view people on their genuine merits.

Yours truly

ANDREW MCCANN

I’m with you there. I respect people according to their actions. As long as they’re not female, black, muslim, poor, disabled, Iranian, Chinese, Korean, Iraqi, Palestinian, Syrian, French (um.. someone check that for me, are the French ok again now that Sarkozy’s up for killing some Iranians?), Lebanese, atheist or, God forbid, left-leaning liberal ‘luvvies’.

Thanks to Alex for this one. It’s from a Times piece about the reappointment of Mervyn King for a second term as Governor of the Bank of England. Yes, I’ve had it in my inbox since January.

I have been attacked today in Tesco for sending a Birthday card to my sister aged 61. The counter assistant decided it was not Jewish to celebrate birthdays and so I was weeded out. The Irish woman with IRA terror effects refused to serve me and left my card and difficult gift card unattended where anyone could have grabbed my goods as gift cards are easy fraud with no security for gift. A youth like Bhutto or orange brown skin and about 3 women than harangued me and said the woman was crying. In my life women have made me cry when younger and so it seems silly. They did not discern my need and now we face smaller and smaller populations while aliens and terror history rules our green and once pleasant land. These juveniles banned me from Tesco2 and seem to know my telephone number and address and my dire financial situation which I manage but they have a conspiracy with dentists, doctors, sport & car to block my every move as a sick intelligence as in 1984 + 3,4 wars before.
Dr MI Barton MA. MBA.PhD, Oxon., UK

It’s obviously written by someone who’s a bit poorly but it’s quite good fun trying to imagine what really happened in Tesco that day.

Thanks to Mike for pointing me at this thread over at MEN. It’s a very brief article about Hugh thingamajig who was trying to get Tesco to be nice to chickens. This is a bit like asking a handbag full of icecream to give a lecture on the role of neurotrophic factors in the growth of motor neurons. Even if it was willing, it’s just not equipped to pull it off.

The comments thread seems to have turned into a competition to see who can say the stupidest thing.

And who is going to pay for the difference in price?
alvinlwh

Indeed. Ever since the Universal Declaration of Human Rights we have all been entitled to lumps of vaguely-chicken-like white stuff for under £1 and we’re not about to give that up.

The housewife has a choice either a chicken for Sunday lunch or mash and sausages. It don’t take rocket science to know which one.
S P In exile, Tameside

So how DO you decide without a rocket scientist on hand??

Well i’m NOT gonna change;with the rising cost of food cheap chicken(and not how it was fed/killed/ slaughtered/prepared etc because I DON’T CARE AS DON’T MANY PEOPLE ON BUDGETS)is the ONLY OPTION FOR ME AND I DON’T CARE EITHER.
Anthony, Accrington,Lancashire

I’m all in favour of people like Anthony. As the oil runs out and meat prices continue to soar, idiots like him are going to be fighting over nuggets of tasteless reformed chicken-scrapings, leaving the last few tasty cow arses for the rest of us to gnaw on.

It’s only a chicken for god’s sake who cares how it lived its life?
Not me for sure
We are higher up the evolutionary ladder so we can kill and eat meat, it just a fact of life
Tezza, Tyldesley

Be careful what you wish for.

Thanks to Thomas for this one from an Evening Standard article about police violence at an anti-Bush protest in London.

The Police are wonderful, fair-minded and decent.
Unsubstantiated retarded comments from anti-establishment proletariat pseudo-Marxists and Anarchists will not sway the minds of decent law-abiding people in this country.
The frustration of the ‘demonstrators’ is only greater because the Police did such an effective job at keeping the low-life at bay. Bring on Police power. Subdue the Anarchists!
Tangomike, Kensington, London

Awww. If I’d known there was an Anti-Establishment Proletariat Pseudo-Marxists and Anarchists rally I’d have gone down. As it was I ended up at a Crypto-Communist Envirofacist Morris Dancing Festival. Heavy police presence as usual. BURN DOWN BABYLON.

Thanks to BigValen for this from the Irish Independent.

Europe planted the seeds of the great Tiger and now we the cubs have grown up and this is our thank you, by voting no? i say YES
Ireland vote YES or it really is another dustin for us
anyway China and India are catching up vote NO and our cubs will be emigrating to Xinjang and Rajasthan and the likes for work.
Musliminireland

YES. Ireland needs to water its tigers and use some sort of fungicide or else the next generation of tigers will be tiny tigers covered in potato blight and then you’d get overrun by Chinese tigers who were much bigger and better qualified and wear smart jackets. Vote NO to.. hang on. What the actual fuck are you on about?

This is a shameless plug. The consistently fantastic Cassetteboy have released another album (”Carry on Breathing”) and one of them’s written a book. I’m plugging them because they’re fucking great and because I can.

If you already know any Cassetteboy, you’ll be eager to get the latest installment. If you don’t, then you better check out the stuff on YouTube then go buy “Parker Tapes” and “Dead Horse” to catch up. Imagine if someone built a sort of Twat-O-Tron but using snippets of audio recorded from daytime television and The Archers. If you ever saw “Don’t Watch That Watch This” on BBC4 and wondered why it wasn’t better, it’s because Cassetteboy didn’t make it.

Also, Mike Bollen (one half of Cassetteboy) has just published a book called “Earth Inc”. You can read some at the publisher’s site and listen to some on MySpace.

Listen to bits, read bits, buy it all:-
http://www.spymania.com/
http://www.myspace.com/bloodycassetteboy
http://www.myspace.com/earthincbook
http://www.picnic-publishing.co.uk/earthinc/ (this site plays music as soon as you browse to it, presumably because they are trying to enrage prospective readers).

Thanks to Matt. This is from a Times Online article about a French court “anulling a muslim marriage” because the bride was not a virgin.

Good for the judge. The general principle is that all men must honour what they solemnly agree to do. If the woman deceived her groom, on a matter involving a risk that he will find himself father of bastard children or acquire disease, then in justice he should have redress.
Roger, Ipswich

Do you think the “redress” didn’t go far enough? Should it have involved blood and tits maybe? Perhaps you could show your contempt for her harlotry by having a disapproving wank.

Thanks to Daisy for this one from Times Online.

B - BUOYANT
A - ADROIT
R - REALISTIC
A - AMIABLE
C - COURAGEOUS
K - KNOWLEDGEABLE

O - OPTIMISTIC
B - BRAINY
A - ALLURING
M - MAGNETIC
A - ABLE

So stop the soap opera of Wright and let America discuss the things that matter to the common folk! Sen Kerry’s rebuke of MSNBC was fab!
Elias, Stevenage, UK

It’s a long time since we’ve had a Piss Poor Acronym Competition For Dullards. I’m awarding Elias 2nd prize (1st prize went to a Katie in Year 3: “Baboon Arse Rapists Are Carefully Kneading Our Baboon’s Auspicious Monkey Anus”).