So a Parrot can learn Urdu as well as English while a bloke in Pakistan gets his wife to sue the British Government because HE refuses to learn English, and unless he does we won’t let him migrate here. It sort of puts things in perspective dosn’t it!
Marshian, Romney Marsh

Yep, sure does. For instance, I’m a long way away from you right now, but even from here I can tell that your brain is very, very small. Incidentally, the parrot can also bark like a dog, so you can expect him to start making comments on the Daily Mail website any day now.

are you crackers? it’s a PARROT!
rosy bertram, essex

That was quick! Also, hilarious.

@Savale

“Are you a Daily Mail columnist?

If so watch out – we’ll be onto your lot next!”

What a horrible bilesome comment.

What’s going on here? A strong woman made a couple of mistakes. I’m sure that Rebekah would admit this.

She shouldn’t have hacked Milly Dowlers phone, but I’m sure it was done for the right reasons. Besides which, remember this girl was already dead ok? Tragic but true.

It that the sole community who are coming out in support of Rebekah are the gay community. Just like when Princess Diana was victim of a wtich hunt. We now know that Diana was a beautiful person, some dayn we’ll know the same about Rebekah I’m sure.
JaneKnowels

Yep. She’s a saint, alright. A big, ginger saint. And strong, too – strong enough to rip the sack from a man’s oysters if he even thought about crossing her. I hope Rusbridger’s got his chastity belt at the ready.

She’s incredible, really – she started off shagging Grant from Eastenders and ended up playing polo with David Cameron,* presumably using George Osborne as the stick and Grant’s left clanker as the ball. And I’m sure that just like Princess Diana, everyone is very keen to see Rebekah closely involved with about 10,000,000 landmines, and would pay quite a lot of money to see her in the middle of a minefield in Afghanistan.**

At least now we know they’ve expanded the definitition of saintly behaviour. Before JaneKnowels started this degenerate harpy’s canonisation process, I was convinced it was either a lifetime’s selfless dedication to the poor, starving and downtrodden, or it was spending your life giving sex advice when the nearest you’d got to sex was wanking into the Archbishop of Liverpool’s mitre while he was prostrating himself somewhere very holy.

So in the list of acts that will get you giving God a Dirty Sanchez for all eternity, we can now include the very necessary and absolutely defensible act of illegally accessing a dead girl’s voicemail so you can get some inside information on her family, and then using that to get an interview that sells more copies of the News of the World. After all, to deny Rupert the opportunity to buy another small municipality to stuff into Wendi Deng’s knickers would be practically criminal. There’s right reasons for everything, and making sure the scrotal-headed one’s garbage empire has its shares knocked up a billionth of a penny is the rightest of right reasons.

And it’s okay. Milly Dowler was dead. And that means nobody got hurt at all, and Rebekah Brooks will ascend into heaven on a cloud of cinnamon scented farts for everything she’s done for humanity.***

Amen, JaneKnowels…

…you massive lump of cock-cheese.

* I don’t know if this is true, but I’m taking my lead from a fucking saint, alright?
** Or dying a painful, lingering death in an underpass.
*** And if you don’t like cinnamon, they’ll smell like justice for the victims of paedophiles, just for you.

Justin says that “Pretty much anything FirstAdvisor has to say” marks him out for being a grade A tagnut. Actually, I added the tagnut bit, but you can have a go at completing Justin’s sentence for him as well. Pretty much anything derogatory toward FirstAdvisor is going to be right. Favourites around here right now are “anal polyp”, “rotting elephant period” and “just some kind of cunt.”

I probably shouldn’t say cunt. After all, there’s enough undereducated, idiotic misogyny worthy of a 1950s sitcom going around without me contributing to it. Isn’t there.

The whole idea of females working outside the typical occupations of teaching, nursing, agriculture, clerking, retail, and so on is wildly impractical and unrealistic. The percentage of exceptional females in a field of typical males just isn’t high enough to make any significant influence in any national economy. The major importance of females is as consumers, mindlessly keeping the economy rolling along by buying worthless garbage like makeup and 10 pairs of shoes.
FirstAdvisor

So we take some exceptional females – albeit a massively high percentage of them – put them in a field with some typical males and then the economy grows? I’m confused. Why are they in a field? I know people are trying to ‘grow’ the economy, but I don’t think they mean it in the agricultural sense. Besides, how is exceptional females standing around in a field supposed to help? Is it the agricultural skills? Does it keep them away from shoes and makeup? Is that the plan? We’re going to take exceptional females and surround them with men in a field so they stop thiking about shoes and makeup and concentrate on agricultural skills? But don’t shoes and makeup grow the economy? Oh, wait, no. We put the exceptional ones in a field with some men, plough some shit up, earn some money that way, and then the typical females stand in a street with exceptional males and Bob’s your uncle, something wonderful happens, like they use the money from the exceptional females working in the field to buy shoes while the exceptional males stand around with clipboards and do some research proving that once and for all, you’re some kind of cunt.

Sorry, I think I called him a cunt again. Whoops. I meant, of course, some kind of cunt.

Libyan mothers crying? Only for the cameras. Muslims are incapable of human feelings (being zombie-creatures, human corpses animated by demons from Hell), neither for their little terrorist-larvae nor anything else. It is your humanity which is suspect, since you seem to believe Muslims share it. Are you going to call me a Kraut now, bigot?Your comments are very dull and boring. Nearly everyone on the forum is far smarter and more educated than you are. You write like a 70-year-old farmer.As I have already explained, if you had the IQ to understand the concept, no American is going to tell the truth to a stranger over the phone who knows their full family name and home address, when the American is asked his opinion of Jews. Anyone with an IQ of 70, the legal retardate level, would know this without being told, because he would be born and raised in the US, surrounded by Jews all his life. The American would know to keep his mouth shut about what he honestly thought, and just tell the pollster whatever the pollster wanted to hear. The Gallup poll is pure propaganda, worse than worthless as factual evidence, and everyone in the world knows it. Except you, apparently, because of your low IQ. It’s not surprising that you don’t even know what the word ‘bigot’ means, or that you are one.
FirstAdvisor

You couldn’t make it up. Well, you could, but people would point at you and say things like “You’re making it up!” and wouldn’t ever believe that Rudolf Hoess survived a hanging.

I don’t think we need men with clipboards to conclude this research successfully.

And if that’s not enough harrumphing for you, Tara’s dug up this fucker…

These days I always avoid drunken women. Drunken men are bad enough, but drunken women are an absolute nightmare. They’re not only irrational and violent like men; but spiteful and provocative in a uniquely female way. They’re also completely uninhibited sexually, whilst staggering about with more anatomy exposed than covered. They will fawn-over and aggressively flirt with anything in trousers, committing indecent assault almost as a matter of course in the name of `fun’. And if you decline their Amazon overtures, they will either explode into a paroxysm of rage and attack you themselves, incite their boyfriends or husbands to attack on their behalf, or claim that you assaulted them and attempted/committed rape. An obsession with rights has left them with a perverted sense of absolute and self-righteous liberty. Above all things; it is drunken women who have made inner-cities into Saturday night no-go areas for the sober and the sane.
Little Ted

Little Ted, gentleman sex offender, govt_helper with a better editor. He avoids drunken women like the plague. He avoids them by walking straight towards them and dispersing them with his powerful, natural repulsiveness.

If that doesn’t work, he avoids them by getting their partners to beat him up. Then failing that, he avoids them by encouraging them to press charges.

He doesn’t want to do any of this, and he wouldn’t have to if they’d only learn to behave and let go of their silly ideas about ‘rights’ and ‘living their lives the way they see fit’ and ‘expressing their sexuality’ and ‘wearing what they feel like wearing’, because apparently it’s not enough to just stick your cock into her fanny anymore, oh no, now you’re supposed to know what you’re doing with it as well, you’re expected to ‘pleasure’ and ‘satisfy’ her, and woe betide if you don’t, I mean what happened to the good old days when women didn’t really like sex and just pretended to in order to get pregnant and stop you going out and paying for it, and they stood by their man, however revolting he was, not finding attractive men attractive, because they were after more than that, or so they said, but it turns out they aren’t are they, they do want it after all, but then they pretend they don’t want it, and I’m sorry but they’re going to have to make their minds up, do they want it or don’t they, they can’t have it both ways. They need teaching a lesson.

Plus, binge-drinking is detrimental to their health.

I went on the big march, yet I experienced no violence of any kind, although my friend Tony was really pleased to turn up back at the flat with a policeman’s helmet (no, the head wasn’t inside it). That was Grosvenor Square, the famous ‘riot’ of 1968. The media tropes haven’t changed since then, have they? It’s always “Peaceful march ruined by mindless thugs”, followed by some new dollop of oppressive legislation to keep the Mail headline writers happy. Of course, no-one then remembers what the protest was about. One wonders, how many of those masked men kicking at windows were the famous undercover police, or fifth columnists as they used to be known. You can’t tell when they’re masked. It’s really quite alarming, what you’re not allowed to do, say or even think nowadays, how oppressive the authoritarian state has become. While radioactive iodine rains down on Glasgow, a present from @#$%ushima, even George Monbiot now thinks nuclear power is a jolly good idea. But we’re not going to have a say in the matter, are we? – we’re all well-boiled little frogs now.
paul.ingrams

But thanks to his tinfoil hat, Paul has been thinking all kinds of shit, and no motherfucker has kicked his door in and taken him away to any of them government Psi-control Centres yet. Not everyone has been so lucky, however…

“I knew something was very wrong the moment George Monbiot wandered through the back door one day, still wearing his pyjamas, with glassy eyes, flyaway hair and a wet chin.

“‘George?’ I said. ‘You look frightful, old boy. What’s the matter?’

“Staring blankly over my head into the middle distance, George spoke with a voice as flat as my kitchen table: ‘citizen. I have come to tell you about the miracle of nuclear power. Nuclear power is efficient, clean and 100% safe. Nuclear power. This message was brought to you by BNFL plc. Power to you, power to the government. Good day, fellow citizen, I have enjoyed our conversation.’ Then he simply faded into thin air. Gone.

“Well, I thought to myself, this is all very strange. So I decided to post something on the internet about it. But of course, I couldn’t get on the internet. Apparently, you need an internet connection to do that… Yes, convenient, isn’t it? So then I thought, I know! I’ll call the Times news desk, see if they’ll be interested in taking up the story. But I didn’t have a telephone, you see. Or a working line.

“Okay. Not a problem. I’ll ask to borrow a neighbour’s. I was outside before I remembered that I live alone on a tiny, windswept island in the middle of the Atlantic, with no boat or, indeed, any form of transportation.

“I can tell you that sinister forces were at work that day.”

Tinfoil Hat!
RRP £4.93

They’re adding comment to the bottom of news stories. Whereas at one time you could go and read the news on the BBC website without having some foetid ballache forcing their rancid, shitty, poorly thought out opinion at you, now you won’t be able to escape depressing, awful bollocks because it’ll be right at the bottom of every depressing, awful news story. Just like the Guardian. And don’t we all just strive to have comments of Guardian quality on our news stories?

It’s just too much for some people, and the revolution has started. And what do you know, it turns out the revolution will not be televised. It’ll be taking place on the internet, where no-one can find it.

Sorry, but this will be my last post. I’m going to start my own ‘unmoderated’ forum if anyone’s interested under my other pseudonym Lewis Jones.
Gruffydd ap Llywelyn

I’m up for it! Let’s go! This place is just too quiet lately, anyway. Shit, all we’ve got left in the comments is some hardcore regular visitors discussing bollocks with agoraphobic racists. We need more action. Where do I sign up?

Where please? Can we all come?
ruffled_feathers

That’s two! Remember, two’s company, three is the magic number…

What are the google keywords to find your blog?
I tried “lewis jones” “blog”, but irrelevant links showed up
Mustafa Yorumcu

Well, that’s three, but we’re shit at using the internet, or at least we’re shit at searching for what could be one of the most popular names in the English language, plus “blog”. I also tried using quotes around all my words, but for some reason a bunch of other people have the same pseudonym. More help!

Give me a chance to create the blog. And without too much advertising, join the two words together and add dot com LOL And yes, everyone can participate all I ask is that you mind your language
Gruffydd ap Llywelyn

You heard it here second, folks. No, Have Your Say is not the be-all and end-all of discussion on the internet. Apparently there’s other places you can go to air your racist, borderline insane, actually insane, phenomenally stupid and utterly depressing views. And everyone can join in. Lewisjones.comlol. It’s like Martin Luther King, only the dream is a reality.

To Alex Gubbay:

Your new ‘game plan’ appears to be all about you, the Editor, the BBC. It will be boring and predictable. Editor’s Pick – who cares???

HYS was interesting and more often than not entertaining, due to poster’s views. There was ‘some’ freedom there which made it so. I will miss these posters and hope to meet up with them again perhaps at Lewis Jones. Good luck to MORERAM and others.
beammeup

You’re right. All we can do now is get over to Lewis Jones’ new ‘unmoderated’ discussion area, where the hot topic of the day is…

…the new BBC Have Your Say format.

Fuck it, wasted my time again. Sorry about that. Here’s some barking mad, borderline racist with a thinly-veiled conspiracy theory about the extinction of white British culture, followed by the tantalising possibility of a vaguely witty comment.

Lets face it BBC, you are really not interested in what people have to say, unless of course it agrees with yourselves. I subscribe to many national newspaper comment sections which are far less restricted then HYS, and at least allow people to have a view. I really do hate political correctness, and lets face it, the BBC is extremely politically correct. Being the voice of the political Liberal Left will always rule the BBC, and anyone who doesn’t agree with your views will always be excluded. It is a sad show of democracy when our national broadcasting company is so undemocratic, but unfortunately the state of our big brother society which tells all UK citizens what they should believe, how they should be anti-Christian, pro Europe, anti British culture because we MUST fit in with our immigrant population and not fly any British flags, must call Christmas, Winter Festival, must not use Christian prayer for anyone, I mean heaven help us all if we believe in God, we are considered freaks. I feel extremely sad that the BBC has become what they are today….slaves to the popular policially correct society, instead of actually having a mind of their own. Thankfully, there are still organisations out there, including many national newspapers, who still have some guts and stand up for the people
KnightShift

Yeah, thank God all you have to represent you is every single newspaper except the Guardian. Otherwise you might end up going crazy.

No need to bring up the months of rising public anger, or the cluster of natural disasters mainly affecting non-whites, or the fact that Hastings’ card was declined whilst he was trying to purchase his wife’s Christmas present, as it should be clear to all by now that stern old Uncle Max is greeting the new year in whimsical mood. Or at least, as close as he can get to such a thing. File under ‘Yawn’ and move on. Except, Kris has found this bloke, who seems to have had a whimsy bypass…

No, MAX! There is a great deal wrong with our country and, sadly, many people like you are acting like the proverbial camels. Here’s a list:- 1. Too many people not prepared to work, 2. Education far too left wing and cannot be described any longer as education, 3. Bilderbergers controlling the world governments, 4. Police forces out of control and responsible, complicit with many in the judiciary and the so-called Ombudsmen, of allowing appalling crimes against families to continue with children and houses stolen from individuals wrongly. 5. And , most seriously, a TREASON against our Bill of Rights and Magna Carta that has left us with no Monarch since 1972, and which the police forces up and down the country refuse to deal with thereby committing MISPRISION of TREASON themselves. This, MAX, is indeed a lawless land. Your foolish optimism (or worse?), my lad, is way off the mark.
Bring Back Law ‘N’ Order, What used to be a pleasant place

What must it be like to be absolutely wrong about everything? And not just wrong, as in ‘not right’, but so completely wide of the mark – like, 6,000 miles at 90 degrees to the mark – that people only ever look at you out the side of their heads, with panic in their eyes, while they’re slowly edging away, muttering about you to their friends. Their actual friends. People they want to spend their time with. Awful, I should think. No wonder BBL’N'O is so angry.

Ah, the Pope. Making it okay to hate large groups of people since… well, since the last one died. Have you noticed that he’s not quite as adorable and cuddly-looking as the old one? I have. But for expert opinion, don’t ask some acidic, anonymous gobshite on the internet – just ask David Jones. Or his grandma, if you fancy grabbing a spade and doing a bit of digging.

My grandmother made a small fortune on the stock market by looking, not at the figures in the company’s annual report, but by studyint photographs of members of the board of directors.

She looked at the photos and asked herself “Can I trust this person?”

When I look into the eyes of Pope John Paul II, in every photograph/video over every stage of the long years of his papacy I see eyes showing warmth. genuine compassion, love of humanity, humility and grace.

But when I look into the eyes of Pope Benedict XVI, I see the cunning eyes of a politician who would betray his grandmother if the price was right and swear blind that black was white. His every expression is less than saint-like

Am I the only one who feels this way?
David Jones, Burton on Trent

No. You’re not. Before, you knew the Pope meant well when he said that condoms spread AIDS, or that honestly, he didn’t know about priests abusing kids in their care, or he decided that it was his job to villify and help persecute ten percent of society based on their sexual orientation. I personally preferred it when the Pope was old and senile, and he didn’t look like Dr. Klopek from The ‘burbs. I could just about handle being Catholic when he looked a bit like Stuart Hall – in my head, I could add silly laughs to the end of his mass! Now when I look at this Benedict bloke, all I can think of is Tom Hanks in his undercrackers being chased by the Pope with a chainsaw. Or, ironically, Jake and Elwood Blues being chased by Nazis in a station wagon.

Yeah, I think Catholicism is done for me. It’s just far too easy to be reminded of horrible stuff now I can’t get a tingly groin looking at the Pope.

But it’s the readers we’re interested in. And in equally typical fashion, their comments run the full gamut from patronising armchair psychology, through sanctimonious prickery, all the way to utter batshit mentalism. Some (most, probably) are simply horny. But almost all agree on one thing: ‘Juicy’ Jennifer Thompson’s most unforgivable crime is being, in their considered opinion, less attractive than Coleen Rooney.

Thanks go to Kris. Commence the unpleasantness.

Its the Beyonce generation ie do anything for money!!
Paul

Does Paul know something about Beyoncé that I don’t, or are his cultural references just very limited? Who knows? Who cares? I don’t. Next…

I hope she’s going to pay tax on that.
With the country’s finances as they are, earnings are earnings, and as her advertised ‘client’ probably avoids heavy taxes by using offshore accounts, it’s only fair she should contribute.
As she would be self-employed (sounds somehow wrong said that way), I suppose she should be able to charge for the pill, or whatever contraceptive measures she uses, BUT she should pay for the medical checkups to make sure she hasn’t caught any sexual diseases.
PeterH

Here we go. Practical advice from PeterH for any budding escorts out there, alongside an apparent suggestion that the service sector pick up any slack left by its wealthier customers’ creative accounting. Which is a great idea. Say next time Bob Diamond pops into the newsagents for some Red Mill, an HMRC official rushes in as soon as the transaction is complete and slaps a big old fuckin’ tax bill on the counter, as Diamond strolls out laughing with bits of corn snack fluttering from his mouth like golden snow. The government gets to pursue those unpaid receipts as aggressively as they like without scaring off the rich people, and the less rich get crushed in the process. Osborne’ll love it.

From the dawn of humanity, women have been the corruptors of men. Everybody remembers it was Eve who ate the apple and began the descent of humanity.
Jeremy Tapsill

Mrs Tapsill find the receipts again, did she?

Lets be honest if it wasn’t for his money he would have to pay to sleep with someone ironically …
Chris Butler

It’s true. I earn a pittance, and prostitutes only ever give me ironic sex.

Women must realise that men like both steak and burger. This escort is Wayne’s greasy cheap burger. Us men like greasy burgers once in a while but we always prefer the steak waiting at home.
Matty Hayes

If this comment isn’t bad enough by itself, you’ll shit when I tell you that Matty is really talking about an actual steak. He’s married to a steak.

The sick fuck.

how do the newspapers get all these pictures off facebook?
tom

Lust = anger
Jeff

tom, presumably, is after tips, but seems fairly harmless compared to Jeff, who I’m a bit concerned about, to be honest. If he isn’t already on some sort of register, can we please get him on one? Before it’s too late.

She has an exotic sexy look about her, but she is definitely not pretty or English looking,-maybe she realizes this and that’s why 1.)she feels the need to sell herself, despite not needing the money, and 2.) is obsessed with her appearance.

Shame on her, poor Colleen.
Miss B

And with unnerving clarity, Miss B has identified the real tragedy of Jennifer Thompson. Loveless childhood? Please! If there is a single, definable root to Thompson’s issues, it’s not looking English enough. If only she’d been born a bit less exotic and sexy, she could’ve had everything by now. Marriage, children, a £400,000 house of her very own husband’s own in which to pace back and forth, trapped, getting ever drunker and more desperate, scratching away at the paintwork until bittersweet freedom arrives in the shape of death or divorce… all of these things could’ve been hers. Damn that exotic, sexy look.

Some people just get dealt a bad hand.

The indie professor responds cautiously. Outwardly, the indie scene might be less macho than others, but wankers get everywhere, and remain wankers even if they listen to fey guitar music. And just because one of them has swapped his pink Ben Sherman for a bootleg Dirty Projectors tour shirt, his raging cock issues won’t magically resolve themselves.

Another reader – SexyLikeLemmy, apparently – isn’t at all happy with this assessment. Not that he particularly disagrees with it. No, it’s more that he’s sick of journalists sullying the purity of his musical experience with their ‘political ideology’, such as that of expecting not to get sexually assaulted.

Thanks to Nicholas.

This is infuriating! Why am I surprised that a music writer would write an article completely void of anything to do with actual music. Why? Why do music writers always do this? What compels you to apply your own vision of how you think the world should be on every one else?

What is it with you fucking people? Why must you try to enforce some ignorant orthodoxy of your own on every scene that comes down the road? Why? Why can’t you just see music for music? Why must you always try to attach some political ideology to everything? It’s asinine and it makes YOU the only one running around trying to be the equality hall monitor.

Is that what it is? Where all music writers hall monitors when you were kids? Miss the power over the other kids?

Let me let you in on how it REALLY works out here in indie-heaven. Whenever a group of guys gets together to build a band they always have to take into consideration that they’ll get slagged off in the press if they don’t find some way to live up to indie expectations. Get it? Whose the real cultural enforcer? YOU PEOPLE!

Think about it, you got 2 guys trying to put together a band, they know damn well they BEST get at least one girl, if they can’t find one, they better get a gay friend in there some how. Who cares if they know how to play? That’s not important. What’s important is getting treated fairly. You don’t stand a chance in the press if you don’t play there little game. Fine, find some girl and stick her on the bass, just turn the fucking amp down live so she won’t screw everything up!

You writers know fuck all about music, what you do know about it thrusting your orthodoxy on everyone else.
SexyLikeLemmy

So there you go. The truth, if you can handle it, is that Kim Deal was only there so the Pixies could call themselves an equal opportunities employer, and Vivian Girls are probably some sort of bloody PC local government initiative.

But take heart, girls in bands. Because as useless as you are, you are at least marginally preferable to benders.